And Because It Is My Heart

Sometimes I just have to finish the reference, no matter how unrelated it winds up being. Stephen Crane, by the way, although Joyce Carol Oates borrowed it for her novel (can we still call it borrowing if it is never attributed?) If you are here working on a book report I will give you a hint: yellow = cowardice. Now, do the best you can and don't copy from the internet.

Hmmm, as I look at it, though, I guess it could actually stand as my cheesiest title ever. I am not a sentimental person, generally, and I am not sentimental about early pregnancy at all. I was, once, but it hurt tremendously to discover all flesh is as grass so I knocked it off. Still and all, the ultrasound was good, the whatsit was good, and my heart did grow, just a little, to see so much goodness.

The fetbryo's heartbeat was 180-something. It measured 9 weeks, 9 and 1, 8 and 5, 8 and 6... an imperfect science, this "sonography". It lurched. Wiggled. Shimmered in grayscale. It looked like a lump of gruel but an undulating, good-sized lump and thus lovely in its own way.

Part of my drive to make local friends included getting in touch with some of the old communist playgroupers. I was horrified to learn that one woman I liked tremendously has been diagnosed with breast cancer. We have had a few playdates since I got back in touch, and I hope to talk her into dinner and a movie with me next week. I don't know what else to offer but normal, so that is what I try to give. I also volunteered to help with cooking and cleaning, as she is currently in the middle of her second round of chemo. Tonight is my night to bring her family dinner and it is going to take me a while to get it together so I should go. If you have any thoughts on what else I can do to make things easier for her I would love to hear them.

Thanks for checking on me. I am beginning to think something good might be happening here.

Comments

[Vix]

Excellent news!

[uberimma]

YAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Nicole]

Happy happy!
About your friend, the offer of cooking and cleaning is most excellent. I always turn to food in times of trouble.

[Kathy B]

Huzzah, fetbryo!

[Erin]

Wahoo! I am so glad to hear that everything is perfect. You will stay in my thoughts for the CVS testing.

[Milenka]

Perfect! :-)

[nate]

First, so happy about the good u/s. Are we still calling him/her jellybean, or have we moved on?

So sorry about your friend. Can you offer to babysit when she has appts., or when she's just feeling too damn sick from the chemo?

I'm amazed that, in the middle of your not-just-morning-sickness, you're able to make dinner not just for yourself, but for another family in addition. I hope this means you're feeling a bit better yourself.

NBHHY.

[Ariella]

I am glad to hear that everything is in great shape!

When my step-mother was dying from cancer, the thing that helped my father the most (I was off at college, hating her and feeling guilty about it, all at the same time!) was when I would come home and cook dinner and help out. I think it just took some of the pressure off of him.

Maybe it would help her a little bit if you invited her child over to play with Patrick? I'm assuming she has a child because she was from the communist playgroup, and thus would need a child to "play." Other things you could do are things you're already doing: helping to cook dinner, spending time with her, and retaining normalcy.

[Cris]

I'm really excited for you - and impressed at how proactive you are about getting the 'extra' ultrasound and the CVS. I'm about 11 weeks ahead of you (husband has a BT too) and have just put my head down and pretended nothing is wrong this time. Its worked out so far - and I'm hoping it will this time for you too!

[throwingutah]

I'll go home with a smile on my face, knowing you (and so many of your readers/fans/supporters/stalkers) are so happy. I'm glad you have a way to pass the goodness on to someone else.

[Tree]

Wonderful, wonderful, wonderful!

[Cris]

Oh - one more comment. We have had a family friend and an aunt go through chemo. Its not one of those treatments that you get 'used to.' It gets progressively worse as things accumulate and wear you down - so as time goes on, helping her get some rest by having the kids at your house or doing some grocery shopping for her is of great help. As is the gift of treating her like she is normal and not somehow contagious or weird. Normal is the best gift ever.

[Kate]

And awesome again! This pregnancy of yours is really lifting my spirits, as weird as that might seem given that I've never met you, etc., etc.

[Erin]

I've spent the bulk of this week catching up on your archives and I think you're amazing. Damn, girl. You're hilarious, you have great taste, and your kid holds the world indoor record for cute.

I can't believe you live in Minnesota; sometimes I feel like this place, nice though it is, is stomping the life right out of me. I'm going on four years here, by the way, and still chipping away at the "making local friends" brick wall.

My husband, whose father had cancer while he was in college, says that the best things to do during this time are mundane picky house stuff like dishes, laundry, and vacuuming. He also says that specific offers ("How about if I come over tomorrow afternoon and do a load of whites?") are preferred to general ones ("Let me know if there's anything I can do") because they seem more manageable during an overwhelming time.

Rock on, and a tiny, faint, barely-extant, non-fate-tempting whisper of a "good luck" to you in re: the little one.

[Emily]

Super fabulous news. Way to go, Fetbryo!

[Kath]

Good. Good. Good!!!!!

As for your friend, I think cooking for her is a great idea, as is babysitting. As is buying groceries. (A friend of mine had such bad hand pain from the chemo that picking up anything was difficult.) When you make a general offer of help, make it as concrete as possible, so that she knows you mean it. "When's your next appointment? I'll be happy to babysit." "I usually go shopping on Wednesdays -- I'll be happy to pick up anything for you. I'll swing by beforehand to pick up your list." "If you feel tired from the chemo, just call and I'll pick up XY to play with Patrick." That sort of thing. And dinners that she can freeze.

Hope she makes a full and wonderful recovery. I'm glad she's got such a good friend in you.

[Sheila]

Your last line instantly brought to mind Herman's Hermits: "Something tells me I'm into something good..." and now I am smiling at both your fine ultrasound results as well as at that cheesy song. Seems appropriate, though. Oh-- and I apologize in advance if you or your legions of Internet Fans have that tune stuck in your head, as I seem to have now.

[Mir]

Woooooooooo! Awesome news!

[Rebekah]

Awesome, awesome news. I am so incredibly happy for you.

[Arwen]

Oh, I'm so glad.

[winecat]

What terrific news! I find myself holding my breath every time I check your site. Here's hoping things stay great.

[terri c]

Yes, yes, yes. Very glad to hear about a good US. HOORAY, in fact. And your communist friend is lucky to have you.

[Molly]

Something AMAZING is happening here. A million congrats!

[Just Linda]

Gruel, perhaps, but did she sort of resemble a "Linda"? it may be premature to really have the dialog, but I'm planting seeds... me, the gardner. ;)

Great news on the U/S. One day at a time blah blah. You'll probably get to relax somewhere around 38.5 weeks in, I'd think.

Very sorry for your friend. So kind of you to support her...

[kris]

Congratulations on the good news. I hope it only gets better.

When my friend had breast cancer, and went through radiation and chemo, she explained that what really helped her was being able to talk about it. Her family was afraid of the cancer, and the fact that it might take her away from them, so they really couldn't listen to her talk about it. We (a few friends) always made it a point to let her talk about the cancer and how it made her feel. She knew she didn't have to put on a "face" to talk to us, she could just be.

If you feel comfortable enough, you could ask your friend what she needs from you, to make the process go a little easier. It may be something you haven't even thought of... But my vote is just to ask.

[Sandy]

Fantastic news on the u/s!!!! Yay!!!!

[PBfish]

Yippee!!! Grow baby, grow!

[SheilaC]

Wonderful news! I'm smiling for you (cautiously of course). Hope your sickness is improving too.

Re: your friend, the hands-on help sounds great, and the evening out, and play dates with her kid(s) if that works for both of you.

I'd recommend a small book called "When Your Friend Gets Cancer - How you can help" by Amy Harwell. (ISBN 0877889341) It's written by a cancer survivor, and has lots of concrete suggestions of what is helpful and what is not.
Sooner or later we all know somebody living with cancer. This has been a great reference for me, to help move beyond shock and fear, to becoming a true friend in need.

Best wishes,

[Monica C.]

Great news, Julia - I'm am smiling a very large, genuine, heartfelt smile for you!

[Jen]

I'm so glad all went well at the ultrasound. I'm rooting like crazy for the little lump of gruel that could.

[Julia]

"Shwoo!" as my neighbor would say. And neurotic hearts are just fine, in my book.

As for your neighbor, I've nothing helpful to offer. But I think you're on the right track with a big 'ol helpin' of normal.

[Sarah]

Woo!!

[plum]

i am sitting at my keyboard trying not to cry! Okay!

[Lisa V]

Just a big ol fat Woo and Hoo!!!

[Libby]

Sweet!

[Becky]

You are the first person I know of, other than myself, to appreciate the poetry of Stephen Crane. Of course, you never really said you liked it...you just quoted it. Well, anyways, good news about the embryonic one.

[Sami]

Oh good news good news... I'm glad the fetbryo is jiggling and wiggling and just doing what it needs to do. I hope you are feeling a touch better.

As for your friend it sounds as if you are doing what you can which is helping where you need to. Babysitting may be the other offer you can make.

[J]

My dad was sick with cancer in our home for quite a while. Making food and bringing it over is a lovely thing to do--just make sure not to overstay your welcome, as caretakers and sick people alike are already tired.

Another thing to do is offer to go grocery shopping or pay bills. Just have them give you their credit card info or grocery list. Cleaning is great, so is just an offer to take the kids to school or pick them up one day. Running errands for someone is helpful. You could also offer to take her taxes (if she hasn't already done them) to a tax preparer.

These things can seem very immense when someone you love/or you are ill.

[Dead Bug]

Whew. And, Ahhhhhhhhh. And, Thank goodness. Good fetbryo.

You are a kind and thoughtful soul, and making dinner for your friend is a gesture both touching and practical. I know you've received lots of good advice on other ways to help, but I'll add my own, repetitive though it may be: When my good friend was battling terminal breast cancer, she said that what she wanted more than anything was to laugh and get her mind off things, to feel normal. Funny-but-engrossing books (though sometimes she was too sick to read) and videos always seemed to help, as well as gossip of mutual friends and just general, everyday talk. (And, OK, the occasional hit of green medicine from the, err, water pipe. I'm not a smoker and neither was she, but it helped a LOT with eating and keeping the food down.) And when she eventually passed away, her husband wanted basically the same things from us: distraction and normalcy, and to be able to talk about his wife comfortably, without the hushed tones and tiptoeing.

--Bugs

[Sarcomical]

oh my goodness, i'm so glad to hear it!

and that's so nice of you to help her out. good karma, babe! ;)

[Sally]

Despite threatening it repeatedly with a chunk of fat back, my cold stone (mmm...coldstone)heart would defy me and turn all mushie like when I'd see the lurching and wiggling on the screen. So happy for the good scan - let's CVS that puppy!

As for your friend, ditto on Kath's suggestion - the being strong and definite when you offer to help. People try so hard not to impose. I was just on bedrest and when people came by to help, I most appreciated them...well...leaving. I loved the dinners, I adored them for watching my child, but when they'd linger to chat I felt like I was then on entertainment duty. I just wanted to SLEEP!

[Alexa]

Hip Hip...HOORAY! Lovely news, I am so pleased.

[Marsha]

If I exhale any further I might just pass out.

Go you and your, uh, gruel!

[Beckik]

gosh, I held my breath clicking your link! I'm so relieved for you now as I'm sure you are too but still aware of the hurdles ahead. Good luck on that dinner.

[Tertia]

yay

[Jill]

Fabulous news on the embryo front.

Do you like to send cards? I send cards (yes, real paper cards through the mail) several times when someone is facing something serious. In addition to all you are doing, maybe send one or two a week to let her know you are thinking of her.

[Elin]

I'm so PROUD of you! And the bean!

I think it's wonderful that you are helping with your pal(to-be?), even when it would be so easy to get busy in your own glee.

All of the suggestions for help above are great, especially the ones that suggest specific offers, so I won't duplicate.

XOXOXO!

[Kristin H.]

Yay for the goodness of the fetbryo news! So glad to hear that! Heres to some CVS goodness in the near future as well.

[Toni]

YEAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YEAH!!!!!!!! YEAH!!!!!!!!!!!

[Erin]

Oh I'm sooo glad zippy was looking good! Yay!!!

And I think everyone above me covered most of my suggestions of what to do to help your friend...can I just say though that it makes my heart warm and fuzzy to hear of all the help her and her family is and will be getting?

Thank for being a good person Julia!