Regardless

I wrote about the Gay Agenda thing at great length yesterday. Three times actually. And somehow each long and thoughtful post got erased due to my carelessness. The third time I took it as a sign that nobody really needed to hear my views on the subject. I mean, you obviously know them already. So, in sum, and in one-three-hundredths of the time, my response to one comment from the last post:

Dear sjb, No. No you cannot "disagree" with being gay and escape being called a bigot. Either force yourself to accept that there are lots of ways to love or embrace your bigotry. Wear it on the side of your head like a rakish beret and dye your shoes to match. And stop whining when you are patronized, if not shunned, by people with more inclusive points of view. It is really your own damn fault for not trying harder to improve yourself. Finally, I am at a loss to understand what you think the acceptable alternative might be for homosexuality. Death? A vow of celibacy and a lifetime without intimate affection? How bleak. Love, Julia

Patrick made up a song yesterday that I thought was pretty good.

"P is for plane that flies in the sky/ Q is for question mark that comes after "Why?" "

Isn't that clever? Some of the lyrics were less impressive, however.

"N is for noodles that you eat at home/ O is for orange that you eat at home too, for breakfast or lunch"

I took him to an indoor playground the other day and he was a menace on the moonbounce. I was very pleased to see it because traditionally Patrick has been rather protective of his person, but he was flinging himself around and kids kept stepping on him and he was laughing his head off. And for the first time ever he refused to leave when I told him it was time to go. I actually had to crawl into the damned bouncy thing and drag him out bodily. While I disapprove of the mutiny I secretly applaud the almost age-appropriateness. Patrick has been surprisingly biddable for a long time so I like to see the independent streak emerging. Maybe in a few months he will even be willing to pull up and down his own pants. And who knows? Zippers by 2007!   

I feel like I should be giving you some sort of pregnancy assessment but I do not know what to say. For the most part I ignore it. We never discuss it. I only think as far forward as the next test. The hcg levels were good so I am optimistic that the ultrasound will be promising as well. Then I will think about the second ultrasound, etc. Stolidoli of the amazing Italian Gravy asked what a chemical pregnancy is, since I listed that separately from the five pregnancies that had low and slow rising betas. To clarify, four of the five all developed heartbeats eventually and the fifth got as far as a sac and a fetal pole. I consider a chemical to be when you get a positive pregnancy test but miscarry before anything could even be seen via ultrasound anyway. That is just me, though. I don't know what the actual medical definition is.

I know I sound rather grim and clinical but I don't feel that way. I think the best description I ever heard was proposed by Aitch a pregnancy or two ago. She thought that a positive pregnancy test for me must be like a positive OPK for most people. I thought that was absolutely perfect. I would no sooner tell an acquaintance that I am pregnant right now than I would announce that I ovulated yesterday and we had sex so I MIGHT have a baby in the due course of time. It would be tacky.

Does that make sense? I always feel so strange when I try to talk about this. How do I describe the weird blend of anticipation and detachment?