Obladi

I admit that I lost my sense of humor yesterday when the infection spread to my other eye. Something about stumbling blindly toward the bathroom in search of a warm compress with which to unglue my peepers seemed unpleasantly reminiscent of Tragedy. I was not amused. And since my eyes are not only gross but highly contagious I have been home since last week. Just when a person most needs a night out at a wine bar with some empathetic friends I have been stuck here moping, compulsively washing my hands and putting the towels in the wash every five minutes.

I apologized to Steve last night (not that I was taking responsibility for the miscarriage or anything weird like that, I was just sympathizing) for the whole no-sex-for-three-weeks-following-a-D&C-thing and after a long look at my swollen, leaking eyes he said, "No, really, that's ok. I mean, it's fine. Completely." It was the sincerity with which he said it that hurt the most.

So, hi.

I miscarried again. This makes ten. Ten miscarriages. What do I even say about this anymore?

I was very very relieved to learn that the fetus had died without intervention. I was practically giddy when they used the word "necrotic". Does that make sense? When we got the genetic results back I knew that ending the pregnancy was the right thing to do. I was fortunate in that we understand the problem, we were emotionally prepared for bad CVS results, and we have known for years that we will terminate under these circumstances. Still, it was HARD. I really did not want to have an abortion and I am profoundly grateful that I did not have to. Yeah, ok, it was almost a technicality but it mattered to me.

Physical: The actual D&C hurt more than usual, but that can be attributed to the clinic setting where I did not have the benefit of general anesthetic, pain medication in an IV drip and one of those dreamy hot-air blankets. After the initial Zowie!it has been fine. A few days of bleeding tapering off to spotting six days later. No cramps. My friend F pointed out that one of the advantages to having a D&C performed at an abortion clinic is the reduced risk of infection. Hospitals, she noted, are full of sick people. Sick germy people covered in germs and sickness. Abortion clinics, on the other hand, are full of... well, rather than unfairly stereotype my fellow abortion seekers, let's just say that they are full of non-virgins. Thus, the clinic is safer as 1) a lack of virginity is not an infectious condition, no matter what the nuns used to say in the 1950s; and 2) even if it was, I wouldn't take my virginity back if you gave it to me as a gift. I LIKE sex. Really.

Oh dear! It just occurred to me that there is probably a woman somewhere in the Twin Cities having a rather difficult week and wondering where the hell she picked up conjunctivitis on top of everything else. My deepest and most sincere apologies.

Emotional: I see-saw. Most of the time I feel fine. Fine but sad. Then I think about it, really think about it, and I feel sad but fine. Up and down, you see. I was pregnant (again) but now I am not (again). The chance of a second child is remote (still) but we have known that for years. I never allowed myself to get attached to the notion of THIS baby (um, very much) so the mourning has been gentle. I feel like I have already grieved so long over this situation that prolonging the sorrow seems almost wickedly self-indulgent. I KNEW this was a strong possibility and I CHOSE to try to get pregnant again. It is important to me to be accountable for that. Although I am a victim of abominable luck,  I am not the victim of my own actions. Do you know what I mean? I have written before that the only way I can justify continuing to try to have children is if we are able to lead happy and, well, normal lives in the process. I don't want to ever feel like I wasted time being angry or resentful or depressed. It is not worth it to me to try for that long-shot child if I am going to hurt all the time as a result*.

So I don't know what else to say. To be completely honest, I am a little embarrassed that I miscarried again. You must think I am a jackass to have kept trying in the first place. Can I not take a hint? What am I... simple? How many times can I write the "She's OK, Folks!" post while standing in a smoking pit surrounded by debris? I don't even have the energy to tell you that Steve has suddenly become DETERMINED to have another child, damn the torpedoes, etc. He had been, not ambivalent but certainly responsive to my wavering, but all of a sudden it is, like, "TEN! Oh. No. We. Don't! We do NOT stop after ten! Bring it on!" Then he breakdances.

In other, completely unrelated news (I DO have a life apart from recurrent pregnancy loss you know) I had the most clever idea in my quest to make new friends. I invited about a dozen local women that I know to varying degrees (and even got a few of them to invite people THEY know but I do not) to come here on May 13th for wine and popcorn and brownies and a stupid chick movie. I think it is brilliant. No pressure for me to make something, like a dinner. No pressure for me to keep conversation going, like a cocktail party. Just a casual evening with zero prep work and a chance to build some new ties.

*Honestly, this sucks. I do hurt. But I am simultaneously grateful for every good thing that off-sets the suck. When I was a much younger woman I consistently made terrible decisions. If there was a crossroads with sunshine and rainbows to one side and a dark swamp to the other I would inevitably head toward the alligators. Then, surrounded by alligators, I would lament the decision-making process that had landed me there. "Io!" I would cry in Greek, all Hyacinthus. "Woe is me! Oh how I wish I was home in bed!"

One day, while home in bed, I remembered these frequent instances of regret and I decided to be thankful that I was where I was supposed to be, for a change. It was so pleasant, so soothing, that it became a habit.

Now I think about the truly unthinkable and I am grateful that nothing worse is happening. Patrick is healthy. Steve is healthy. I, my mother, my brother, his children... these are the things that matter. I don't understand why I have had so many miscarriages. I don't understand why we cannot have more children when we want them so very much. But if this is the very worst thing that happens to me... I am lucky. Today I am lucky and I am where I am supposed to be. 

Comments

[Menita]

You are wonderful.
About "The actual D&C hurt more than usual." I am so sorry that there was an "as usual" for you in that sentence - I cannot believe the grace and humor you continue to have after all you have been through. I am just amazed, in awe of you, and so sorry for what has happened, and so proud to know you, all at once.

[JK]

Really, you are the most amazing woman. You have the most well thought attitude. I'll just kowtow, in the very Chinese, not American sense.

[Erica77777]

I think you are such a beautiful person. Your spirit and writing are so moving. I am hoping for much sunshine and many rainbows in your near future--you certainly deserve it.

How DO you say "lo" in Greek, anyway?

Reminding me of a song called "Welcome to Where Ever You Are." It's comforted me during tough times, maybe you should give it a listen? If music helps you in such a way, that is. I'm so sorry for all your pain.

[DebbieS]

Wow...how do you even walk with balls that big? Seriously, when they handed out backbones, you got an extra one! I am just bowled over by your grace. I can't believe people aren't lined up outside your door to be your friend! Although, I would probably let you bribe me with brownies and wine if you twisted my arm ;)

Hope your plague of pustulence is over soon =)

[thalia]

Words fail me. But I can't give you a hug so I have to type something instead. I'm glad you are sad but fine and fine but sad. And lucky. That doesn't sound too bad. But it truly astonishes me that you have had to go through 10 miscarriages given what the actual odds are. There is no reason. And it sucks very very badly.

What kind of brownies are you going to make?

[vanilla_jenn]

I cried when I read your Resolution post, and all that you had to deal with. I'm not sure why, but it always seems like when we have much worse things to deal with -- "administration" screw ups, to put it mildy, interefere even more. The last thing one needs!

I really enjoy your writing, you are very talented and graceful to share your struggles with everyone. I admire your strength in these circumstances.

I have to say I am not handling things as gracefully as you!

It was interesting that today as I went to get my Beta hCG blood drawn, that the Lab Tech doing the draw was 41 and shared with me that she also had had a miscarriage, and FOUR ectopics!! Wow. FOUR. I told her how sorry I was. She said that they still did not have children, and probably wouldn't try IVF at this point. My heart always breaks a little everytime I meet someone who has also suffered losses. But, it was kind of comforting having someone who understood my sad situation drawing my blood for once!

(I miscarried twins last December, my first IVF, my first pregnancy and first miscarriage -- and we just did our first FET 2 weeks ago, which I think is negative. We'll find out for sure tomorrow)

You spoke of wondering if this is the worst things would ever be. And I'd have to say, definitely, unequivocally, yes, this IS the worst. It was something the Lab Tech had mentioned to me during the blood work that made me think of this again..... She said, "There were things much worse than miscarriages/not having children....like Cancer, for example." And I said, "Well, speaking from experience, I HAD cancer, when I was 18, and I nearly died. And has horrific as that experience was, I'd have to say that miscarrying our twins, and now this possible negative FET, is MUCH worse than cancer." I also said, "I don't think there is anything worse than losing your children, unborn or otherwise." Then she pretty much agreed with me. I have met her before actually -- I am sure she has drawn my blood before -- and she mentioned she actually recognized me and that I was "there a lot". Which is true! I always getting poked and prodded for blood samples! LOL She is such a sweet person though, and I never would have guessed she was 41, she looks so much younger -- and I'm surprised that they wouldn't try IVF even now. I hope that whatever path she has chosen though, that she is at peace with it -- which is the same I wish for you.

I admire your husband as well for being so "gung ho" to try again, and I think that is great! I wish you both all the best in the world. Take good care of yourselves!

[Jenniper]

Julia, you made me cry. Yet again. Thanks always for your beautiful and moving words.

[kathleen999]

I'm sorry that you have to go through so much. I admire you and your husband for continuing to try to have a second child. I wish you all the GOOD luck in the future. I think you have used up your share of bad luck now.

[victoria]

Wow. You blow me away. *I* am not handling your losses as well as you are, and they didn't even happen to me. And I don't even want kids. [If Steve is all of a sudden gung ho on child #2, and if he's noticed that the do-it-yourself method hasn't been working for you two, does he have another plan?]

[Trish]

I have learned that sometimes in life you have to just play the cards you are dealt. Don't get me wrong there has been many a time I have found myself practically stomping my feet and screaming like a 6 year old that I wanted a "re-deal". I am impressed with your outlook and your resolve to live a normal live while dealing with this. I know it's hard and you are hurting, but you are "playing the hand you have been dealt" and doing a wonderful job of it. Hang in there.

Trish bt 11,22
mom to Makily ubt 11,22
www.caringbridge.com/fl/makilyangel

[Crystal]

Damn. How do you do it?

I am depressed to the point where death looks good. After fighting so hard to beat cancer, that is in a word, weirdness. But I'm tired. I'm tired of fighting to get my life back. I'm plumb worn out. The evil empire has won.

So tell me your secret. I thought things were pretty spiffy in my life, and now my life is being taken away chunk by chunk. So tell me how you survive, and be ok. I used to know how, but I seem to have lost my way.

I wish you didn't have to be such a pro at it. :(

[victoria]

I'm sorry -- my comment sounded like I think Steve's "full speed ahead" attitude is dumb. I don't! I sort of wanted to ask, Is he thinking ICSI again? Is he wavering on adoption? (But I didn't want to seem disrespectful of the privacy you've maintained around Steve's feelings on this.) But I also sort of thought, Steve must notice that while Julia handles these losses gracefully, they're still hard for her. And it must be hard for him to watch her suffering through the pregnancies and miscarriages. He must want to spare her that suffering, if there's any way to do it. . . . But I know that you'll discuss Steve's views if & when you're both ready, and I respect it if you don't want to go into more detail,.

[Miz S]

I like the movie/brownies/wine plan. Which stupid chick movie will you be watching?

[Toni]

I also like the movie idea. Good popcorn can bring out the best in people.

As for all the other issues...Julia - I don't know how you do it. I had one miscarriage and it felt like my life was ending. Even almost two years later, I break down sometimes when I think about it. You continue to be one of my most admired people...not b/c of how you have suffered, but how you continue to live your life to the fullest inspite of it.

[Holly]

Julia, you're eloquence and courage in such trying times are a testament to how wonderful you are. I feel like a know you through your writing, and the women you invited over for a movie are definetly lucky for your overture of friendship. I'm sending good thoughts you're way, you deserve more.

[Sami]

First off - ick still pink eyed?? Definitely need some new drugs to fix that. I'm anti eye gook though so pink eye really just makes me want to stay home for you.

Now on the bulk of your message. Not sure what to say about Steve jumping on the proverbial wagon... I think him and my husband apparently were together at some point. Namely because as we suffer our 6th loss this year (7th total) he's all full steam ahead - lets cycle again - can we cycle now? No - wait a month wtf? In all seriousness I've taken one of your attitudes to heart. As long as my husband and I can still find the light at the end of the tunnel, love each other and still be relatively happy we'll keep trying. My hope for you is the same as it is for myself... that somehow we manage to beat the odds and end up with a baby. Now this hope is again as long as that is what you want.

Yeah for the movie party at your house... I'm slightly envious as all of my friends live far away and I haven't made the effort to meet new people where we live now other than work friends. And truthfully the work friends suck. So I hope your party on the 13th goes well and that the eye bug is gone.

[JustLinda]

I know you don't write this stuff just to get such responses, but I must comment (again) on how amazing it is the way you handle this. I hope your determination pays off - and soon. I have a friend who had six miscarriages and lost a tube in the process (one pregnancy was a tubal). She did ultimately have her daughter.

I'm keeping my fingers crossed for you.

Oh, and that idea? The women? Making friends? BRILLIANT. Yes, I do think you've hit on something here. I might just steal it if I can scrape together 10 women and a quiet night....

[Cat, Galloping]

Just so you know... I think often about your philosophy that you will keep going as long as you can live happy and normal lives along the way and I have tremendous respect for your ability to do so. So, no proclamations of jack-assery from me.

And wowza, 10 people plus guests?! That's a lotta people. What girly movie will you choose? I, personally, will watch any movie about a president's daughter or wife (and oh, there are many, like the one with Katie Homes, and the one with Mandy Moore and, oh, you get the picture) that happens to be on cable (and lovely TiVo keeps recording them for me over and over again).

[Anna]

I am so sorry that you are enduring this struggle. It makes me wonder if it is simply abominable luck or if there is just something about the stupid translocation that makes sperm carrying it swim faster. Stoopid genetics and their "probabilities". Gosh.

Maybe Steve needs to not lead the cheers until you have cleared the blast area, put on a new frock and started the afternoon tea.

[Jenn]

Julia your strength never ceases to amaze me. Hang in there. Gooey eyes and all.

[Lisa]

This post really moved me...I'm so sorry about your loss and I totally get why you've kept trying. I understand the embarassment of miscarriage, I've felt it too. It's a weird emotion, isn't it? I admire the balance you have with regards to the sadness/grateful for the good things in your life equation.

[lynn]

You continue to amaze me as well. I think in your shoes I would spend most of my day turning over statistical probabilities in my head: 10 miscarriages, one Patrick, semen analysis results -- How, why? Your message and outlook has helped me (and I'm sure many others) realize that it's important not to allow yourself to lose sight of what is good in life even in the midst of infertility's misery. Thank you.

[Heels]

Only you, dear Julia, could make me laugh about the possibility that some poor soul might have picked up conjunctivitis while she's already having a not great day.

Be well and take care of yourself.

[sozzled]

Considering what you've been through lately I wasn't going to ask....but I think you ought to come bowl with us next week. You can just sit there and drink, or you can bowl, or both! I'm sure pink eye isn't the worst infection Bryant/Lake bowl has ever seen ;-) I'll buy you drinks and amuse you with my bad bowling. How can you refuse??

[Adria]

As always, Julia, you come through with strength, grace and wonderful perspective. *I* feel lucky to have stumbled upon your blog...

[Lisame]

You are such a beautiful person. I grieve yet celebrate for you.

[Erin]

Your strength through this whole ordeal has amazed me. I am glad that you are able to remain a family throughout it. But ick about the pink eye.

Chick flicks always go well with popcorn, brownies, and wine. It sounds like a lovely evening, and if I lived close to you, I'd beg to be allowed to come over.

[carosgram]

Sending you lots of good wishes and hope. You seem to be doing all the right things and I have no advice to offer. Have fun at your movie party.

[Kristin H.]

Ah, Julia, you are such an inspiration. Such great writing, as usual, from the heart and with such grace (and humor too, even in these tough times). I hate that you have to deal with all this crap.

And I wish I could come to your popcorn and movie party, too...that sounds like fun. Especially because its at your house!

[Mir]

Amazing grace.

I wish I could come watch the chick flick. Not that you asked, but I want to anyway. ;)

[nate]

You are absolutely amazing.

And I'll be interested in which wine you choose to complement the brownies and popcorn!

[Alexa]

Your grace, your wit, and your level wisdom continue to astound. How can we help but hope for the very best things for you?
Have a delightful movie night--brownies, wine, and congenial conversation sound like just the thing.

[Libby]

I want to be like you when I grow up.

[meg]

I've done that movie thing, usually around Halloween with a classic horror flick. It works well.

I'm still thinking and praying for you and Steve and Patrick, and wishing you as much goodness and possible.

[Holly]

I'm wondering how many different ways I could tell you that you are amazing and that I'm praying for you, without sounding unoriginal and copycat.

Your grace through all of this is truly inspiring. I pray you continue to find peace and blessings in your family and that your happiness grows.

Still praying.

[chooksnaps]

You handle everything in your life with such grace. You are an inspiration to me.

[alice]

You're amazing. And Mir and I are going to crash your party. Mir doesn't know that I'm tagging along with her. I'm in the trunk of her car. Shhh.

[Amie]

I just found your blog on Monday or Tuesday when I was googling stuff about losing a twin. I'm a surrogate and we're waiting to find out (in two weeks) whether we still have twins or not. Anyway, I just wanted to tell you what an amazing woman I think you are. You're stronger than anyone I know. Kudo's to you for still trying at your dream of another child despite how much has stood in your way. Just a question and please, slap me if I'm being an asshat, but have you and Steve ever discussed Surrogacy?

[Serenity Now]

You amaze me.

[karla]

Damn, I love me some Julia. You are amazing. I am constantly awed by your fortitude and your attitude. (Did that sound stalkerish and crazy?) A little? Oh. Sorry 'bout that.

[Amanda]

I guess ditto to all the above would about cover it!
You do amaze me, but then human beings are pretty amazing when you think about them. Fabulous attitude you've got there! I think you've got it right, you do what's right for you unless it's making you miserable & you and your family seem to do a pretty good job at avoiding misery, where others would go to pieces. I really admire that!
Have a fab girly evening & do let us know what film you watch - you could go all retro on us and dig out 80s Brat Pack films (that's what always comes to mind when I think of girls' nights in - my teenage years) - and brownies sound eminently sensible.
Hope the eyes clear up enough to enjoy the film!
Admiring you and your attitude (in a totally non-stalker way) from afar!

[Anne Glamore]

I needed to hear your attitude today. I'm here having a big ole pity party over some different, yet deep issues, and I need to focus on what I have to be thankful for, which IS a lot.

[DinoD]

Simple? Na-ah.
Determined? Stubborn? Sure.
I understand what you mean though. I can just feel people shaking their heads that we are in for (very nearly surely) miscarriage 5 (in a row) and I'm 43 to boot - old enough to know better.
It's up to you (and your husband) how long and hard you try for child #2 - no one else has any right to input.
Enjoy the popcorn and movie.
DinoD

[MamaChristy]

You are not "simple". Trying to have another baby is something that you and your husband desire and can afford to do. You have a right to try and a right to be sad when it doesn't work out. Perhaps it will, perhaps it won't. But everything will happen as it is supposed to; you don't need me to tell you that. You are able to look at it in a reasonable manner and if there comes a time when you decide you have had enough, then that is the decision you will make.

Me, I'm just gonna watch and hope for you that you get the ending you want.

[Kel]

Not only do I want to be like you when I grow up, but "lo" I want my children to be like you too.

I was writing in my Mom's Day Journal (I write my children a letter every year around Mom's Day to tell them about their year from my point of view and how much they mean to me - I'll give them this journal when they are 18 or so) and was writing about how much I want them to be able to see other options and know that one's perception can change any situation from hell into something, well, at least better than hell.

You exemplify what I mean.

Thank you, I'm sure there is a gaggle (what would you call a group of recurrent m/cers) of women who need, need, need this post and will find it.

I would vote for "Muriel's Wedding" as the chick flick. Funny, great performances, Abba music...what more do you need?

Kel

[Danielle]

Your "emotional" paragraph makes perfect sense to me. I recently experienced my third early pg loss (fourth if you count the twin pg in which I was lucky enough to lose one and then the other), and I couldn't stop nodding when I read that you only agree to keep going as long as you can live an otherwise normal life (despite the hurt). Amen to that. And enjoy all those lovely bits of the rest of your life.

[Mia]

You are one of those women I wish I knew personally.

I think the chick-movie party is fabulous idea - in fact, I did something similar after my miscarriage - I had all of my girlfriends over for wine and had a psychic do a 10-15 minute reading on all of them, it was so much fun and much-needed break from....thinking.

Enjoy yourself - you deserve it.

[Kara]

De-lurking. Pain is pain, and I think it would be impossible not to hurt after what you've been through. What amazes me is how you have chosen to own your pain, and accept your own role in it, not because others have foisted that role upon you through their ridiculous judgments, but because you have claimed that role for yourself.

I truly hope that you get the child(ren) that you want, and that your most recent pain is quickly eased.

[patricia]

You are amazing, truly.

This has been a rough road, and this last one - it was a doozie for all kinds of unexpected reasons. And yet seem to bounce back in such a miraculous way.

I often think the same way - how lucky I am. There was a time in the middle of it all where I started to think I was unlucky, but it was not true. And yet I don't think I could have your fortitude, and I know my husband couldn't. He's really a delicate flower under his tough exterior.

I myself had a chick poker party last weekend. I highly recommend it, even though and perhaps especially, because half of us didn't know how to play. I bought some beer and chips and hummus and we were off...