Vacuum

Patrick insisted on reading his own stories tonight. This was fine at first because it enabled me to sit next to him in a stupor, turning the pages like a Victorian swain and plotting what I could eat that I might possibly not regret later (answer came there none). It quickly became tedious, however, because Patrick had to say each sentence about fifty times, altering the inflection:

"Then, one day, in his own good time, Leo bloomed."

"THEN! ONE DAY! in his own good time, Leo bloomed."

"... Leo? bloomed?"

"Leo..... blooomed!"

It is like living with Meryl Streep.

I am still feeling mostly pitiful. I am still not taking the Zofran. My dear friend F pointed out that the latter requires me to shut the fuck up already about the former, so ok. Fine. Consider it done. Let us never speak of it again. (But bleh is all I am saying, bleh.)

CVS is scheduled for Friday morning. We did CVS for Patrick because the pregnancy before Patrick we opted for amnio and that wound up being the stupidest decision ever, what with the horrible genetic problems and the late termination. I don't remember much about CVS other than an all-consuming, long-thwarted need to empty my bladder and a device called the tenaculum that grips the cervix with metal teeth and enables the perinatologist to manipulate the uterus as if it were a tennis racket and the tenaculum-cervix arrangement the handle. It was... unpleasant. I hasten to add that it was also unusual and her use of the dreaded Claw was only necessitated by an awkward placement of the placenta. I no longer recall the details, but I think the placenta was in Michigan in somewhere.

The other thing that stays with me about CVS is that I was terrified. I was practically cataleptic. I had just had a completely normal looking pregnancy go awry that summer and I was certain we were cursed. When we left with an ultrasound picture of a perfect little foot I was so afraid to look at it that I threw it away. Four years later I sometimes kiss the sole of Patrick's perfect little foot, remembering that ultrasound photo and feeling fervently grateful for how lucky we are.

Right now, with this pregnancy, I feel more lucky than scared. I feel lucky to have gotten this far, lucky to have hope, lucky to have a legitimate chance at another child. I also feel sick but I am not supposed to talk about that....

Steve is back from his travels so I should be able to write again more frequently. Last week was just a complete loss on all fronts. I felt like ass, Steve was absent and Patrick woke up before 7 every day. Wait it wasn't a complete loss, I take that back. I learned that they have children's programming on cable ALL THE TIME. Did you know this? I also learned that Patrick will watch Sesame Street until Elmo's World comes on at which point he will smack off the TV. "THAT," he said between clenched teeth, "is annoying." Oh and I discovered it is infinitely less painful to give myself the Lovenox injections than to have Steve do it. Did I mention that the Lovenox is causing me to bruise less? I don't just mean that the injection sites are not bruising (they are not) but I slammed my leg into my desk the other day and it left nary a mark. And I am a peach, generally speaking. A delicate gardenia blossom who bruises when spoken to roughly. I think the Lovenox has turned my blood to pudding, a fact which I mentioned to my OB but she seemed dubious.

More later. Hope you are all well.

Comments

[christie]

You can say peach and not barf, that's something, right? I wish you well with your CVS Friday and I pray that no claw will be required. (And I think Elmo being annoying is freaking hysterical, I'm ready for Patrick to run for president!)

[Sarah]

A queasy woman, referencing blood pudding? Yech. Oh, wait, I made that association...

[AmyinMotown]

The placenta was in MICHIGAN? I thought I tripped over something...

Sorry you're still feeling like crap. And as we are currently living through a hugely guilt-inducing Elmo (or "Melmo") crush by my darling girl, thank God Patrick thinks he's annoying!

[Arwen]

I'm cringing here before giving advice, because unsolicited advice really is awful, but my doctor suggests taking 25mg of vitamin B6 thrice daily, plus doxylamine succinate: (found over-the counter in the sleep aid Unisom, pregnancy category A) one 25mg pill at night and another half in the morning. This, plus upping my protein intake, cut my nausea by at least half. I believe in it like a religion.

(I totally understand about not wanting to take the Zofran, and I think you still have the right to complain.)

[andrea]

...cracking up at patrick, "now that is annoying"...too cute and perfect. My sentiments exactly dear!
Great post, and I am so happy for YOU Julia. I can't wrap my brain around the procedure you describe so I will just say, I hope they give you lots of pain blockers.
Here is to you kissing many more stinky feet in the future!
((hugs)),
a.

[Sandy]

After a particularly nasty experience with food poisoining last week, I've found that I love Zofran...in fact, I HEART it, very much...lol...

Still thinking good thoughts for you!....

[Rebekah]

Taking Lovenox here too. I'm glad I never asked my Dh to give me the shots. There have been a couple of times it's stung so bad, I had to stop (before i started pushing the plunger) and start over again. I think I'd want to punch him if he were doing it!

I've got nice little deep pink/purple polka dots to the right and left of my belly button. I still can't figure out why sometimes it bruises, and sometimes it doesn't. Obviously, I have absolutely no "technique", lol!

I'm wishing you all the best, Julia. I hope SO much that everything continues to go well with this pregnancy. (((HUGS)))

[Christine]

So in addition to all the delightfulness that is Patrick, the kid has good taste to boot. He is too much. You must share.

[sozzled]

ahhh, Patrick has wonderful taste! Thanks for the update, I'm getting carpal tunnel from all the refreshing I'm doing over here, waiting for news.....

[sarah]

Boo to feeling like ass but yay yay and a little more yay that all appears to be well otherwise. I love that you have a little Oscar contender at home keeping you company. There's something to be said for reading books aloud with a little more drama. :)

[Terry]

I say, if you want to talk about how crappy you feel, you should! Even without the meds or whatever(Zofran)?

I wish you all the best on Friday. You deserve it.

A delurker, sort-of. I delurked during the Steve/email from client debacle-thingy. I prefer lurking but your damned fine writing forced me out today!

[meg]

Glad to here all is well, (except for the stomach trouble and living with Meryl Streep...now THAT would be annoying...now that WOULD be annoying....now that would be ANNOYING...

Patrick is adorable.

[meg]

Glad to HEAR all is well, I meant. What a dumbass.

[Sheridan]

Phew...NBHHY

I'm still rooting for the embryo. You will tell me when to stop, yeah?

[terri c]

I heart Patrick. Patrick for ruler of the entire universe!!!! Everything crossed for Friday and hope they don't have to use the Jaws thingie. Obviously, also hope they come up with good news.

[heather]

Will you be my mommy? And then when my baby's born, it's co-mommy too?
No?

Please? I promise to only read sentences once aloud. And to worship Patrick as the Coolest Older Brother Ever.

... Can I keep reading your blog, even after I creep you out like this? :D

[jenn]

I am sorry you are still feeling sick, but also, yay for surging hormones and all that. and also, nice job working in the E.M. Delafield reference/allusion. good luck with the cvs…

[Toni]

Eek gads woman. TAKE IT. I LOVED Zofran. It was the only thing that kept me semi sane during those months of vomiting. Peer pressure to take it inserted here.

Thinking wonderful thoughts for Friday. Do you know right away? Don't know much about CVS

[Slim]

With CVS, don't you usually find out the next day, at least if it's good news? So will they call on a Saturday, or do you have to distract yourself (presumably not with Elmo) all weekend?

[Amanda]

Good luck with the CVS and the unmentionable sickness! Know that we are all thinking of you!
The worst bruising I ever had with the heparin injections was when the stupid nurse showed me how to do it (OR NOT) - she left a quasi-circular bruise about 5cm diameter and it took 3 weeks (I kid you not) to disappear completely. After that nothing I did could ever be as bad. My husband can't even watch me inject let alone do it for me - so I am the ultimate non-expert at doing it. Sometimes it bruises, sometimes it doesn't, sometimes you hit a blood vessel & spurt blood everywhere, well...you get the picture.
Oh & I have a discerning 2 year old who is very picky about what he will and won't watch - I still highly recommend the BBC's CBeebies programmes if you can get them! At least these children have taste!

[Lucy]

How cute is Patrick???!?

On something completely unrelated, did you ever find someone to make the "Silent like an e" mugs? I want one!!!

I hope you feel better.

[wheelomatic]

Hello Lady, (Princess Bride reference)

Nice to hear from you again. Glad Steve is back. Nausea sucks but it sucks worse when alone. And of course Patrick is as squeeze-worthy as ever.

We are all moving along through a totally unremarkable week to a restful and peace-filled weekend. Yes we are.

But I want to know who the hell thought up the word TENACULUM??? Good Golly could that sound any worse? It conjures images of a cross between stainless steel grappling hooks and that thing in the pond outside the Gate of Moria. Like it propels itself up your cooch in search of a cervix to hug in its shiny recurved arms.

Ok! I guess the coffee has kicked in. I should really get dressed and go to work, and leave you alone, eh?

Thinking of you with NICE thoughts, really.
NBHHY

[Becky]

Being on week 9 of the puking, I totally feel your pain. I have found the chicken noodle cup of soup in those packets to be a wonderful thing. I'm not sure if it's the protein or what that helps but it does seem to stay down and the salt content is heavenly. I use 2 ofr the little pouches in a big mug. Having said this, I know from experience that you have advice running out your ears so, feel free to discard...

Also, how are you doing with hydration? I find that to be the best deciding factor for medication for me- if I haven't peed in 3 hours, it's time for a little "help."

Good luck. And, oh, how the girls will swoon for your little man in 20 years. :-)

[Lisa P]

Glad to see the update! Patrick continues to be entertaining, the pregnancy continues to seem well, and the CVS is coming soon. Here's hoping for the best on Friday . . .

[Mir]

I didn't do lovenox, I did heparin, so this may have no bearing whatsoever, but: I discovered that if I injected my stomach, I had very little bruising. The one time I injected my thigh I thought I was going to DIE, first from the lingering, stinging pain and then later from the GARGANTUAN bruise that took WEEKS to go away. Gah.

Also I too am a peach in the easily-bruised sense, but I found that as I got further into the pregnancy, the less I bruised. Which makes sense, I guess, if you assume that the blood thinners are because, you know, you clot too much while knocked up. I am not good at many things but I am a champ at clotting while pregnant. Go me! And go you! And take the freaking Zofran already!

[Moxie]

I understand your not taking the Zofran, and think you should still complain away.

How does Patrick react to Baby Beaw?

[jozet]

Tenaculum? Oh dear g...

It sounds like something used at Guatanamo.

Well, deep breaths.

And Meryl Streep, lol. You know, as an actress myself, I gott say go with it. Has he tried "I had a farm in Africa...." yet?

[nate]

A child who doesn't like Elmo? Be still my beating heart.

I've discovered morning TV the past few wkds too. In our case it's Arthur, or Madeline, or whatever video we have that week. This damned early sunrise is messing w/ her--and now we have late sunset to mess things up even further. I'm about to take a lesson from Dooce and tinfoil all the windows.

I'll be thinking of you on Friday, along w/ the rest of your fan club. Don't want to say good luck. Is break a leg appropriate here?

[Nancy]

But did you even TRY the Oysters?

The continued ailing sounds quite bleh, as you aptly put it, but hopeful and lucky seems like a nice balance. I am sincerely wishing for another perfect foot (or two) for you.

[Sheila]

OK, I had to look up E. M. Delafield. Thanks to jenn for pointing it out in her comment, and from now on (for your stupider readers--ahem-- well, for ME) could you please put an asterisk next to your literary references and then explain them at the bottom of your posts? Blog footnotes, if you will? I realize this detracts greatly from the subtle wit, but I feel I'm missing out on too much. C'mon-- you could really help to expand my horizons. You don't have much else going on right now, do you?

[Peach]

I just want to tell you that the very first book I remember my dad reading to me when I was a kid (some odd thirty years ago) was "Leo the Late BLoomer." And I loved it! I'm so glad it's been reprinted so many time over the decades and now Patrick can love it as much as I did.

[Cat, Galloping]

I cried after the amnio. It didn't hurt or anything, but the whole concept was unpleasant. So this is just to say, really, that I understand. Did I miss some directive where I'm not allowed to say good luck? Well if so, please insert appropriate similar sentiment here.

[Noelle]

Fingers still crossed... cramping, but crossed.

[Accidental Poet]

Someone else who has Met the Tenaculum! The second IUI I had, they used a tenaculum. I came home and told my husband that it was invented by a thrice-divorced man who hated his mother. And also had some women issues. I sat straight up in the stirrups and swore at the nurse - and I am a traditionally Very Well Behaved Patient.
It's no wonder that IUI didn't work - the sperm and the egg both ran as far away from the uterus as possible, muttering about what an angry angry place it was ...

[Laura K.]

Oh, good luck on Friday, Julia.

If it helps at all, I thought that having CVS done for the 2nd time was a lot easier, mentally, at least, than the 1st. Physically it seemed that way, too. Maybe this placenta has decided to stay in the same state.

Am thinking many happy, low-nausea, thoughts. :)

Laura

[Mayberry]

Forgive me if I said this already, but I had an Rx for either Zofran or Reglan, I forget which, with my last pregnancy, and I just couldn't do it either. Something about it was worse than the nausea, which seemed impossible but there you go. So do go on, if you like.

Good luck with CVS. And Walgreens, and Rite-Aid, and...

[Tine]

Patrick cracks me up, and so do you. You deserve relief from the nausea just for being able to crack jokes while fighting the urge to hurl, my dear.

[Tine]

Oh...I also wanted to tell you: I totally get why you don't want to take the Zofran. And for what it's worth: a friend of mine with hyperemesis took it, and it didn't do a damn thing for her except constipate her so badly that she found herself at Walgreen's in the middle of the night buying an enema AND STILL BARFING! Zofran doesn't work for everyone, apparently. Tell that to the people who keep nagging you to take it when you've made it clear you don't want to.

[Susan]

I also find Elmo annoying. Good for Patrick.

Fingers still crossed for you and the fetbryo.

[Deb]

You are so inspiring, Julia. I just sit in awe of you and feel like a dork saying this.
It is going to be a beautiful CVS.

[Mary]

These pretzels are making ME thirsty.

[SarahD]

Patrick is such an old soul. I predict the following careers as options for him:
Editor
Media Critic
Anchor of Faux News Show
Blogger, like his mama

[shannon]

Well, good luck with the CVS.
I hope all is as well as it was with Patrick.

[Jb]

cvs twice in the past two years - once trans-cervically (felt just like a papsmear but with a full bladder) and once via abdomen - like amnio but slightly more painful -- both non-events, really (cramping, no bleeding etc) - the reports were the big events. the last time I did not have AS full a bladder as the first one one and it was fine for the doc & way better for me....will keep you in my thoughts friday.

[jb]

one more thing - and I am sure you know about this -- get the FISH results - so much better than waiting...

[Mary Ellen]

Hi! Several people have told me about this blog, so I decided to check it out. My husband Steve also has a balanced translocation. His is between chromosomes 1 and 6. I just started Lupron for our first IVF/PGD cycle this morning. We are very very nervous because we know that our odds aren't great, but we at least have to try.

I hope that your CVS goes well, and I hope the nausea gets better.

Have a great night!!

[Laura]

GL w/ CVS! Thanks for GUS tip. I'm 2 weeks behind ya and haunted that your '8 weeks' comment was dead on for my 8 week condition.

Lovenox? I'm no wuss, but this crap HURTS. More than the ass progesterone did last time. I lie down (and stay down) and DIY the stuff. Some days its not too bad. 31 more weeks of that? Wow. (Tho I would be thrilled to stay pregnant that long and very happy not to have another stroke, thank you.)

To try: vit B6, sea-bands & Reed's ginger brew. Seeming to help here.

Anyhow wishing you lots of amazing luck. The sicker the better, right? I keep telling myself that...

[nicole]

Is this Leo Bloomed some descendent of Joyce's Leopold Bloom? Are these children's book writers looking for a way to interject their graduate careers into our babies' brains.
I thought so.

[Boulder]

Tenaculum=sadistic invention. Gets the deed done, but I don't want to know the inner workings of the mnd that decided it was a good idea to put to use.

Thinking good thoughts for you on Friday, and that your results come back quickly letting you know that everything is perfect.

Lovenox would have a real winner of a product if they could only manage to be a sharp needle on their syringes. Such a simple thing, you'd think.

Curiousity question - why no on the zofran? It was nectar of the gods for me when I was fighting infections for 5 months in 2004. Crap insurance company would only give me 7 pills a week. A WEEK, when I was supposed to take them several times a day to help with the antibiotic/pain induced nausea. Rat bastards. Relief would sweep over me almost instantly after melting in sub-lingually.

[Midwestern Deadbeat]

I have been away from ze blogging world for a bit and checked in with you first thing to see how you were doing. I'm sorry about the nausea and even more so about the tenaculum--I underwent a couple of nightmarish encounters with that torture device--but SO glad to hear the embryo is still flourishing! Good luck with the CVS. (And I do hope the nausea subsides soon.)