Apologia

Shoot if you must this small black head but spare my Rotozip, he said*.

Apparently I can scoff at Steve's inability to, say, empathize fully with the myriad ramifications of recurrent pregnancy loss. I can banter about his terrorist sperm and merrily theorize about what they might mean, evolutionarily speaking. I can even publicly declare his beloved duvet cover to be the ugliest fucking thing ever and I can assert that the fact that he spent the mid-80s listening to Lynyrd Skynyrd just goes to prove that I am smarter than he is

BUT

when I imply that his remodeling skills are less than ept or that his project schematics are flawed... well, I have gone too far.      

Steve, icily, wishes me to set the record straight and to explain that I occasionally take liberties with The Truth in my relentless pursuit of The Funny. So, lest he go all Lysistrata*** on me just as I am emerging from post D&C funk, here it is.

The Truth is: Steve does excellent home improvements. He is creative, meticulous, knows via osmosis everything there is to know about wiring plumbing duct work carpentry and load-bearing whatsits, and he works like a man possessed. If Steve starts a project he will finish the project. The delay this time was not Steve's fault, it was Scott's fault. And there was little Steve could have done to avoid the troubles caused by Scott the Flake as 1) Scott came highly recommended (with reservations: good skills, poor reliability) by a cabinetmaker we admire and he DID do excellent work when he was actually here; and 2) Steve thought he had stymied the reliability issue by negotiating to pay Scott only half of the fee until the project was completed to his satisfaction. HALF! 50%! Steve just underestimated a man's willingness to not get paid in exchange for not doing the work but, hey, he is only mutant after all (zing! ha! get it? Steve. Genetics. Mutant. I SLAY me.)   

So my sincere apologies to my adored husband whose tireless dedication makes these completely unnecessary home projects possible.

(Seriously, I have just taken this picture of my kitchen. Isn't this a perfectly nice kitchen, as is? Certainly the nicest I have ever had. Do you know how many of my childhood kitchens could fit into this one with no exaggeration whatsoever? Six . And yet Steve is going to add a little wing to it. Just because the refrigerator and dishwasher doors touch... oh and he has developed an unholy passion for this refrigerator. He is a little insane, I think. Possibly hereditary.)

Well damn it. I sat down to write about something completely different but got distracted by Steve asking if I was posting and demanding a public apology.

And what a great apology it was, too: "I am sorry I told the internet you are a shoddy general contractor and I will rectify this by explaining that you are merely suffering from mental disease." Although I admit this is better than my usual apologies which tend to run along the lines of, "I am sorry you are such an insufferable dick."

Now I will have to post again later because I actually had something to say. Damn it. 

*"Up from the meadows rich with corn..." etc. Ode to Barbara Fritchie, I think. Who, we are informed, scratched when she was itchy**.

**And THAT was Ogden Nash. Are you sure you want citations? They kinda bog things down.

***Lysistrata. Women, displeased, withhold sex. You see where I am going with this.

Comments

[Sarah]

Holy camoley that's a gorgeous kitchen! Am jealous. I can only speak for myself, but I sensed a little, um, hyperbole in your story, so tell Steve not to worry.

[Cat, Galloping]

Is it always so sparkling clean in there? Not that I am implying that I don't have a kitchen that gleams myself, you understand.

[Lisame]

No wonder you enjoy cooking so much!

[Paula]

Loving the light fixture. And the passionately unholy fridge. And the citations!

[Meg]

Nice references -- and nice actual evasion of an apology:).

[Heather B.]

My God, the windows and the wood. That is my dream kitchen. Just gorgeous.

[Jenn]

Um, can I come over and lick your house? So big! So shiny! The windows and the wood and...I have to stop, I'm getting all drooly.

I think the first floor of our house would fit in your kitchen.

[julia]

Funny, I didn't think you were snipey about him at all in your last post. But I will be right now! If he's such a great planner, why hasn't it occurred to him to simply re-do the island, putting the dishwasher further down the line, so that it isn't directly opposite the refrigerator? Maybe switch the sink and dishwasher positions? It's hard to tell what exactly is happening there, from this angle. Sure, plumbing might have to change, and a new countertop re-cut, but it'll mean much less money and mess than tearing out and/or building walls ... and plumbing would have to change that way, too.

Just a thought. A nosy, obnoxious thought, no doubt.

Your apology made me spit out my afternoon coffee. I love reading you! (That sounds vaguely dirty.)

Your kitchen is GORGEOUS. It looks like an image out of Fine Homebuilders (magazine)!

[nate]

You would actually let people look INSIDE your fridge? Through a window? That you can't close?

You're a braver woman than I am.

[Christine]

I agree - the window in the refrigerator thing is a little weird. I'd feel so self-conscious that I'd either have to buy only healthy foods or I'd have to start refusing to let Paul have anyone over. Ever. Which, actually, would be good.

I figured you were exaggerating. Or hoped, really, since I remember that some time ago you offered to send Steve to do things to our house, and in exchange I think I promised to buy him an XBox. Offer still stands.

[kimberly]

I love your kitchen! We have the circular/oval version of your dinner table with the same chairs.

[Sumo]

This is the kitchen that spawned the remodeling project?? Holy Fuck! Here I've been picturing this little 5' long, 2' wide corridor of a kitchen with 50's appliances and lead paint and soul sucking flourescent lights...

But no, it's this gorgeous fucking kitchen!? Sorry for the language, but man, there just have to be better projects to direct your husband's nervous energy towards.

[marian]

Holy Shit that's a gorgeous house, let alone kitchen. You should (show him this comment) kiss the ground that man walks on. Do you not know what you have there, woman? He earns a living AND builds you something like that? Good God!

[Carla Hinkle]

Um, please no glass-door refrigerators. I enjoy being able to close the door on the mess in there.

[Ninotchka]

It is a perfectly lovely and spacious kitchen, I give you that. But that refrigerator he is coveting? YOWSERS. I give that point to him. Impeccable taste. Who knew I could get so excited about a household appliance? Certainly, not I!

(fanning myself here)

[victoria]

I'm ridiculously well read and I didn't get any of those references except Lysistrata. Your kitchen is beeyootyfull. Don't buy a SubZero they're crap refrigerators and a waste of cash.

[Meri-ann]

I covet your kitchen.... Alas my boy is also a home renovator/handyman, with every room in my house in various stages of 'finished' *sigh* and he dare not ask me for an apology!!

[Jaz]

OMG that is a GORGEOUS kitchen. I would just-short-of-kill for a kitchen like that!

Great fridge, too!

[Rayne of Terror]

I agree about rearranging the island. Move the dishwasher to the other side of the sink.

[Heather]

I am too envious of your kitchen to say anything witty.

[Patricia]

That fridge is to die for! It is absolutely gorgeous! It will look beautiful in your fantastic kitchen!

[MomVee]

Ballad of Barbara Frietchie. I know because my grandfather used to recite it--he learned it in school. Which was odd, because he grew up in Northern Ireland, and what did they care about the rebel host or the union flag?

[Michelle]

I have total kitchen-envy right now. It's so nice!

[Lissie]

Oh wow, I want your kitchen. Actually, what I really want is for my kitchen to be as clean as your kitchen. Ain't gonna happen while we live here!

[Menita]

I am drooling over your kitchen. That is the kitchen I dream of. Will download picture to save forever, so someday...
And OF COURSE it was all Scott's fault. We all understood that, Steve.
;)

[Nancy]

That is a damn fine kitchen. I am going to go home now and cast whithering looks at my tiny NYC bowling alley set-up.

Steve, my kudos.

[bj]

Are those drawers on that subzero refrigerator? I have to whine and whine about refrigerator drawers. We replaced our subzero because we hated hated hated the drawers.

I don't have kitchen envy, but I do have husbands who build cabinet envy. My husband is also a lawyer (right, that's what Steve does for money?) but he can't build (and won't admit that he can't). But, he can integrate complicated equations (obviously a skill almost as great as buliding fantastic kitchens :-)), so I won't complain too much.

bj

PS: My husband doesn't know about these posts, or he would be standing over my shoulder demanding an apology. Did I say he won't admit that he can't build things?

[Pygmalion's Wife]

Honestly? I was waiting for this post after reading the one yesterday. I DEFINITELY got the sense that you were...hyperbolizing?...the situation for comedic effect, and please tell Steve that as a faithful reader who has followed many of his projects via your description (i.e. the excellent basement; I still think wistfully of that bathroom from time to time) I have only the best impression of his handyman skills and assumed that any deficits in...timeliness of completion (get it? completion?)...were SURELY the fault of this Scott character.
However. I was waiting for the retraction/apology because I have been in your shoes (except that none of my husband's projects around here have EVER been completed...EVER) and they NEVER see the humor inherent in such a debacle or the value in our dealing with the frustration through humor.
If it makes Steve feel any better, tell him I admire his sticktoitiveness and hope that one day my Pyg will be half the general contractor he is (although as to his unsupportiveness re: the parade of doomed mutant pregnancies? P-b-b-b-b-bt!). And that we totally took yesterday's post as satire and he shouldn't be so touchy. Because, really, he's got money, good looks, one hell of a wife, and a pretty cool kid. So what if he is mentally ill when it comes to appliances/challenged in the area of kitchen renovation DUE TO EXTERNAL FACTORS BEYOND HIS CONTROL. He shouldn't complain. The big whiner.

[Charlotte]

I am weeping with envy over your kitchen. I feel a visceral ache to own it. And I entirely agree with the commenter who quailed at the thought of clear doors to the refrigerator. The evils of the world (sort of) are hidden behind mine!

[leigh]

Nice kitchen! Ever give any thought to those fabulous dishwasher drawers in lieu of the old standard pull down door model? That could put the entire remodel-part 2 on sabbatical.

[grumpygirl]

the kitchen is absolutely gorgeous. and your home is so clean it frightens me.

[Rach]

I wish you were my next door neighbor. You're cool.

[cheryl]

Your kitchen? It is indescribably beautiful. Tell your live-in general contractor that the above suggestion for dishwasher drawers (IBosch makes those, among other high end companies, I'm sure) would solve the "problem." And this is TOTAL assvice, but you might suggest that your DH look into channeling his building skills into something really necessary, like volunteer work for Habitat for Humanity.

[Sarah]

That fridge would kill me! See through doors! NONONONONONONO! Lovely kitchen--I drool for your kitchen.
Sarah

[Lala]

I wanted to say fucking amazing kitchen but everybody else said it first

[sinda]

(Julia - please pass this to Steve)

Steve,

I have never inferred anything but the utmost respect and admiration for your remodeling abilities, among your other myriad talents.

You are welcome to come add a wing to my kitchen anytime.

Sinda

[anne nahm]

lest he go all Lysistrata***

This is so my new favorite 50 cent college word!

[Becky]

Yeah, I was also expecting a tiny, weird kitchen- It is beautiful.
I called my dh in to see it because I felt so special that we have the exact same table/chairs as you! Well, different fabric, but still. In my own tiny, weird kitchen.

[Lisa]

Your kitchen is absolutely stunning. And to add some fuel to your husband's fire, we have a Sub Zero and we LOVE LOVE LOVE it. Worth every damn penny we paid for it.

[statia]

I hate you for having the most gorgeous kitchen. Ok, I don't really hate you, but I'm jealous as hell.

[jozet]

Jeepers pelt! That's a gorgeous kitchen! Please tell me that your desk sometimes has, like, a grungy coffee cup, a stack of papers and maybe a headless Power Ranger tossed on it, too. Or else I am going to weep.

Nice. Very nice.

And yes, I just got reprimanded by my husband for hyperbolizing the truth a bit for the funny. I think I'm due to write my own "what a guy!" post any day now. And he is a great guy...I just wish he had a better sense of...uh...rhetorical humor? Is that the device?

[kate]

Stunning kitchen but I agree about the see through fridge. In my house it would show wilted lettuce leaves, left overs, mouldy cheese. Not a good look. And stainless steel looks great for 30 seconds - until the 3 year old smudges his fingers all over it. But then you seem to be a bit of a domestic goddess so maybe you could deal with that. (not me). Can we have more pictures of your house (maybe Patrick's room) or is that way too presumptuous? (please?)

[DebbieS]

Your kitchen makes mne feel funny...kinda "like when I used to climb the rope in gym class.." LOL We do have almost the same lamp over our kitchen table, though. Unfortunately all resemblance ends there!

As for the fridge with the lovely glass window, I think I would like one, too, because I feel sorry for my poor moldy leftovers that never see the light of day.

[Kate]

Julia,

PLEASE, PLEASE tell me you have a team of cleaning professionals standing by at all times. Otherwise, I am feeling quite inferior. The image of your perfectly gleaming table alone could send me to therapy for 6 months...

Seriously, what is your secret? I'd love to hear how you keep such a clean house...

[Flippy]

I'm now thinking about divorcing my TiVo to marry that refrigerator. Thanks a lot, Steve. My TiVo and I were really happy together.

[Scheherazade]

I am so jealous of that kitchen and the DIY-ness that Steve has. My kitchen is tiny and my boyfriend is useless at DIY - he started repainting a room once, quit when it was less than half done and it remained that way for 9 months until I had enough and did the rest. Since then we have not done any home improvements!

[Ruth]

Gorgeous kitchen. Steve's eyebrow would develop a serious tick if he saw what we're living with over here.

We have the same table and chairs (Room & Board?), only ours are in the dining room. I love them.

[sozzled]

Steve should know that your readers understand; both his ability to do fine work, and your ability to embelish for humor. I'm sorry he had his feelings hurt. I think you ought to give the nod to that refrigerator as way of an apology and then I'll come over and gaze longingly at it. It is divine. I may even lick it.

[-Blue]

Sweet Mother of Stan Lee! I just realized how much farther up the food chain you are than I.

-Blue

[Meg]

...they get funny when we put them in blog posts, don't they?...