Clarified

Sorry, I gave an appalling explanation of our PGD results. I was afraid I was never going to post again if I didn't get something up and I rushed it.

The gist is that Steve and I misunderstood the PGD findings in both IVF cycles. We thought the conclusion from the testing was that generally 40-60% of the embryos we create are normal but in fact it is more like 20-30%. Nothing has changed but our understanding of our odds.

Questions Answered:

Where did I get the theory that a blighted ovum usually has genetic problems? The internet, of course. I get everything from the internet. If you google "what causes a blighted ovum" practically every page will say they are believed to be the result of chromosomal issues.

What would an IVF cycle without PGD do for us? Well, nothing apparently. We considered it when we thought that we made a significant number of normal embryos that did not survive to a five-day transfer. The logic was: we have 15 embryos, 9 of these are normal but half of them will not survive past day four. Why not just transfer a clutch untested and see what happens, freezing the rest for later? The clarification we received concerning our actual PGD results made this less appealing. If you have a small beaded evening bag into which you place twelve red M&Ms and three blue M&Ms what are you willing to bet that you will extract at least one blue M&M if you remove only three from the purse? OK, what will you bet if the red ones will kill you? What if they just sort of make you sad for awhile but each M&M costs about $1500?

You see our dilemma.

Why not do a natural FET (frozen embryo transfer)/assisted FET/Utz potato chip enhanced FET? Well I don't think it matters all that much, really. My position is that if we are going to spend X dollars and X time on a frozen cycle when there is only one embryo on ice we would be better served by incorporating that embryo into a fresh cycle, or saving it to use with another batch of frozen embryos later. In other words, if we decide to do this again I would rather not fuck around.    

Huh. I just said "if" there and yet we know we will do something with that frozen blast. I think I am being trying to be coy because I realize we have entered the realm of Those Whose Actions Mystify Others (TWAMO). From around the world the tinny cry of "Just (adopt/use donor sperm/be happy with what you have/shut up)" reaches my ears. I know, I know. I hear you.

Moving on...

I had Patrick's second preschool conference on Thursday (I know that sounds ridiculous but state law requires two conferences per year to be certified or something.) She had a folder for each child with a few art projects they had done and an brief assessment of their cognitive abilities, social skills, scissor-work, etc. Patrick had agreed to draw a self-portrait, which floored me because he usually (and by "usually" I mean "always") writes words or simple equations or (if he is feeling particularly whimsical) he will draw letters in boots or numbers wearing hats. His picture of himself was charming. He is green with an enormous head from which extends two legs and two arms. Patrick apparently has no body that he is aware of, a fact which explains a great deal about our toilet woes. Despite this he is smiling and his huge eyes have big irises in the center, a la the PowerPuff Girls. Beneath his feet there is grass and above his head twinkles a green sun. It is deliciously weird.

I was amused to see that she had given him a G+ for color and number recognition and counting, but only a G for knowing shapes and recognizing his own name. When we went to the doctor for my eyes the medical assistant asked Patrick what his name was. He said, "Patrick." Then he gave our last name. Then he spelled it for her. Finally he repeated it, slowly. When she just smiled at him he asked if she needed him to write it down. I think he knows his name, is my point.

So the cognitive stuff was all warm and fuzzy. The words "never had a three year old this smart" were offered and modestly accepted. I was just pinning the Mother of the Year badge on my lapel when we swung into less savory topics.

Apparently Patrick, my sweet unassuming Patrick, has suddenly gotten defiant. Is that the right word? He doesn't throw tantrums or anything, he just refuses to do things. The other day the teacher asked him to get his backpack and jacket and he said, "No. I don't think I will." And he did not. He has started being given warnings as a precursor to a dreaded Timeout. Seeing as how he spends most of his days pointedly ignoring what I tell him to do I cannot say I was all that surprised, but he has traditionally been so well-behaved in public... it's a pity.

When I came home I told him that his teacher had said a lot of very nice things about him but there were a few things he needed to be better about at school.

"Like not helping the other kids clean up?" he asked instantly.

"Yes," I said.      

"I don't want to do that."

"Well, you have to."

"Or else what?"

"Or your teacher will give you a timeout."

Patrick thought about it. "I would rather have a timeout than clean up."

I told him to just help clean up or else. Let me tell you how glad I am that the conversation ended there, because if he had asked "Or else what?" again I would have been stumped. I just hope the strength of my personality and the depth of Patrick's filial devotion will triumph.

Or else.

Seriously, any thoughts on how to deal with Patrick's new-found intransigence? To put it bluntly: what threats work for rather immature three year olds?

Here, I just took this from the front door (pride of landscapeship compels me to point out that the enormous dirt patches were covered by buckthorn and scrub until last summer. we haven't had a chance to get grass planted yet.) Find the baby trees. Hint: most of them are down there on the far side of the driveway. See 'em?

Yeah. We can't either. Seriously. We went out to water them yesterday and although the little pines were obvious we have no idea where we put the cherry and lilac trees. I will bet you a million dollars that Steve annihilates them all the first time he brings out the mower.

Comments

[liz s]

When my daughter was about 4, I went to parent teacher conferences. I was told that she wouldn't help out with clean up either. Her way of getting out of it was to say she was a T-Rex. Then she would pull her arms in and wiggle her hands and fingers; showing her very short T-Rex arms. Then she would tell them that a T-Rex can't clean up because its arms are too short.

That was funny for about two days and then they told her that T-Rex couldn't come to JCC preschool. The next day she was a baby and babies can't clean. When that didn't work, she was a princess and princesses didn't have to clean. I nearly lost it when I went to get her and the director could barely keep from laughing when she told me K couldn't clean up today because she was a "Jewish Princess" and that they didn't have to clean up. (She really didn't know what that meant. But the Catholic kid being the Jewish Princess was ironic)

She is thirteen and she still doesn't clean up, much. But.....she is incredibly beautiful and talented and generally gets the lead her theater group. Its little steps, I know she will one day clean her own house and that cleaning up is small in life's perspective.

My husband told his teacher that he didn't care if he couldn't color at school (because he didn't clean up) he had his own crayons at home and could color whenever he wanted.

AS for your trying again. Don't worry about people thinking you should just.... Do what works for you. If you have the $$ and energy to keep trying IVF, then go for it.

Take care.

[jill]

Mom of 3 boys weighing in here -- timeouts don't work in my house but was does work is emphasizing the positive. thus the "star chart." Make a little grid on a piece of paper - 4 boxes should work for Patrick's age. Everytime he does clean up at school he gets a star. When the grid is complete he gets a prize that you and he determine before you start filling in the chart. When he completes 4 charts, he gets a big prize of his choice, also predetermined. Motivation is always better than punishment in my book. [and to those who call it bribery, i say phooeey!] Good luck!

[Jenorama]

Another mom of three boys. My youngest is 8, and like Patrick, would rather take the Timeout. So, for my son, the Timeout was more of a reward than a deterrent. So, the alternative for us is to find something that he really likes and wants to do (whether at school or at home) and say, "Well, you don't get to do this unless you clean up at school."

We have tried the motivation and the charts that Jill suggested and they did not work for our child-- I wish they had. They worked fine, I should clarify, for my older two children. But my third? He responds best if we make what he wants to do contingent upon his cooperation. Kind of a natural consequences kind of thing.

Of course, now we are in operation, "Become alpha to Tommy," because I did not take it seriously enough when he was younger...

[Ruth]

Yeah. Sticker charts. They work pretty well for us, too. As does making something they want to do contingent on doing what they HAVE to do.

[Owlhaven]

Find out what motivates him.

If he adores school, I would be inclined to say if he wants to go to preschool he needs to follow the rules. If he's not big enough to do what the teacher says, then he needs to stay home like a little kid until he gets strong enough to obey.... would that be a motivator for him? If so, give it a try.

Another possibilty is having him practice obedience at home with you. Every time you get a negative report from the teacher, have him play 'mother, may I' with you for awhile when he gets home...explain this is to help him get strong enough to obey his teacher too.

A final idea is that you could sit down with him, explain that he MUST obey his teacher, and ask him what he thinks would help him get strong enough to obey.

(I've found boys are powerfully motivated by the thought of 'getting strong'-- thus my frequent use of it.
good luck-- one of the challenges with gifted kids is that they can be extremely strong-willed-- at least most of mine are!
Mary, mom to 4 boys

[Miz S]

Fuck if I know. But I like Owlhaven's idea about using the concept of strength. In my first-grade classroom there are a couple of boys who hate to help clean up. They suddenly need to go to the bathroom when it's clean-up time. I always tell them they can't go until clean-up time is over. They aimlessly walk around and pick up a pencil or 2 and I pretend that they have helped clean up.

[Mary Ellen]

My advice is to find what motivates him. If he doesn't help clean up or obey his teacher, then he loses access to the item/privilege.

[Marsha]

I've lived for decades in TWAMO. It can be hard to dwell amongst the "normals" but we do what we can.

About the trees, we flagged ours with those little orange pennants with which construction people mark gas lines until they got large enough to see clearly. Def. worth looking into and they're cheap, although one's lawn does take on a certain strip-mall-coming look about it for a summer.

As for the defiance. Age normal and quite typical for the cognitively advanced. What worked for us was taking away privileges that were otherwise unrelated to the issue but which would have been missed. No clean up might mean, say, no watching New Yankee Workshop with Dad on Saturday. Discipline experts say that there should be logical and natural consequences but many of them have likely never come across a three year old capable of utterly flummoxing them.

[Lisa C.]

Honestly the defiance is normal and I wouldn't make a big deal out of it. Converse with him, have him help out at home, and let him bear the consequence of the time out at school if it comes to that. When he does help you make sure to point it out and reinforce that it does help you and that you like it.

:)

[Becky]

The natural consequences thing is probably the most sustainable. Sticker charts and reward systems become problematic when you need to fade them. For instance, a relatively common natural consequence for not picking up your toys is that when it's time for the room to be vacumed or swept, the toys get taken up as well and placed in a trash bag. Hard core parents throw them out. At school, it often becomes something like, you need to clean up before snack- you don't clean, you miss snack. Some people hold out until the kid cleans- with Patrick, I would be inclined to just skip the next "fun" activity and then move on with the day. He could definately wait out the best of them. Praise of other students and praise of small behaviors can also be suprising effective. On very difficult days, I have a stash of hershey's kisses. The first kid to come anywhere near doing what I asked gets very loud, exuberant praise and a hershey's kiss dramatically plopped on their desk- a bit Pavlovian but effective. Patrick might also respond to reasonable explanations of why we help one another and having it pointed out when others help him. You might also consider putting one of Patrick's favorite items in time out instead of him. It's a little fuzzy in terms of causal relationship but Patrick is bright enough to "get" it. he might also respond reasonably well to the whole "if we all work together, we get to the fun stuff faster" thing. He may also respond to very structured goals- how many "h" toys can you pick up, beat the timer, how many bites can you swallow in a row, etc... The defiance is totally developmentally appropriate and not something to worry overmuch about but definately bears addressing.

[Robin]

I don't know if he is too young for the truth, which is that all of us make the mess, so all of us have to clean it up. And yes, there are a lot of things all of us don't want to do, but life is full of those things so get used to it buster. Mommy and all grown ups do lots of things they don't want to do either.

[~Lucy~]

Julia, three and a half year old boys are PITA's. I know, I've just reached three and three quarters, and the only thing that stopped my husband and I shipping him off to his grandma's until he's in med school was a copy of Steve Biddulph's "Raising Boys". It's an Australian publication but Amazon should stock it. Apparantly at three and a half boys have a massive testoserone surge and also learn that short of clobbering them (which of course we do not do) we actually cannot make them pick up the wretched lego.

But it gets better. Sam's 4 in August and I really feel we've turned a corner. He even picks up at preschool now (I also had a conference and received my gold star for gestating brilliance, but sadly a F- for raising obediance.)

Lucy

[JustLinda]

Yeah, I guess he's too young for blackmail or effective bribery, huh? Keep those in your back pocket for later though, 'cause you'll need them. ;)

I'm not sure if this would work in preschool, but at home if my now-4 year old refuses to help clean up, then the next day she doesn't get to play with the toys. If the teacher makes him sit out for the next open-play session, might that help?

I keep suggesting chaining them to the furnace, but nobody around here takes me serious on that one. ;)

Good luck. So much of what is challenging at this age must simply be waited out...

[Melissa]

Some things to google:
asynchronous development
Miraca Gross

http://www.geniusdenied.com/articles/Record.aspx?NavID=13_0&rid=11452

[christie]

Ohhh....so many good ideas for the next few years of child torture at my house....

Damn I hate it when I can't outsmart 3 year olds...even obviously brilliant 3 years olds... Remember how easy life was before he could talk????

You are so screwed about 10 years from now (well, okay, in Patrick's case probably 5 weeks from now, 2 years from now, every year there after, and again 10 years from now).

[Lisa V]

Or else in my house growing up always ended in "or I'll kick your ass." It worked. Less enlightened times achieved better results.

I use or "you will pick up dog poop for a month." This is feared by all my children from 4 to 14. The smart ones, the cute ones, the artistic ones, no one likes handling the doggy sanitation.

[Cat, Galloping]

I'll bet Patrick knows where the trees are!

[Jill]

Thanks for the M&M analogy; it helped a lot. I hope you get only blue ones from now on.

re:Patrick. My youngest is very sensitive, and a talk about how the teachers would feel about him if he didn't do his share would do the trick. He is in first grade, and has been being "very silly" and off-task, according to his teacher. When I talked to him about how that made her feel about him, he straightened right up. Just a different idea.

[Leggy]

LOL- I like TWAMO. TWAMO is the story of my life. No one in our lives can understand why it took 8 years to do 4 IVFs nor why the adoption road is so complicated for us. Sometimes I wonder if I complicate my life, or if my life is just friggin complicated. Probably some of both.

All that to say- no need to justify. You have to do what works for you & Steve.

Thanks for the blighted ovum clarification- appreciate it.

[DD]

This may just go over like a turd in a punchbowl, but when X becomes a mini Atila the Hun and refuses to do as he is first asked, then told, he gets this choice: take a 4 minute time out or 4 spanks.

Yes I know, spanking is not the answer for punishments, but I guess that's why he's never chosen it, either.

[Bonnie]

God, I love Patrick. Remember when you wrote about him singing the songs from Les Miz? Well, ever since then, every time I hear the soundtrack, I think of Patrick. I took my own children to London to see Les Miz, and when I hear the music, I think of a child I don't even know. How terrible is that?!

[MFA Mama]

Give him something he LOVES. Like in the case of my oldest, an educational video game. Then hold it over his head in a manner most cruel, taking it away when his behavior is undesirable and rewarding him with new accessories for it (in our case, new educational games for it) when he does something really outstanding. The stick and the carrot, my friend.

[JustLinda]

The one thing that works for me consistently every time is if I have an IMMEDIATE 'fun' thing to do to hold over their heads. "We're going to a park for a picnic, but we CAN'T LEAVE until you clean the room." There is an imperative there - they are motivated to do it right then with no dawdling.

However, those opportunities are "the stars must be aligned" types of events and I don't think there is any way to get that to work at pre-school.

And yes, I've now commented TWICE on this post. So? You got something to say about it? hahaha (kids are asleep and my husband is at the hospital with his dad so I'm nervously surfing waiting for the phone to ring - WHY DO SO FEW PEOPLE BLOG ON SATURADY???)

[Judy]

Thank you for the clarification. It was helpful (although in the scenario you presented I would eat the M&Ms too fast as they were pulled out of my purse to notice the color), but I have another question. If you are implanted with a mixed lot (reds and greens) can/will the reds fuck things up for the greens? I know there is such a thing as vanishing twin syndrome, but does that necessarily happen when you have mixed lot.

Sorry for my nomenclature above - I have no clue how else to word it without being terribly crude (i.e. will the fucked up ones kill off the chromosomally normal ones if their implanted together).

Ah, Patrick sounds like my kind of kid! Seriously though, you need to solve this problem and let me know. Daniel (only 14 months) is either a little daft or already defiant. I know I'm his mother, so I'm not at all impartial, but how idiotic do I sound when I tell the pediatrician "He answers to his name when he wants to."

BTW - I really didn't need the photo of the Julia compound. Granted I'm a stones skip from Downtown NY, but there's more grass and trees next to your driveway then in our neighborhood park!

OK, better run. I need to soak the oats in buttermilk or it's raisin bran for me in the AM!

[Erica77777]

Why do M&Ms have to be so damn expensive and potentially heartbreaking?

Sigh.

[mollie]

Stars, stickers, and rewards. I ran out of stickers so right now we are doing one where we draw a picture each time he complies with my demand du jour. Every five drawings: a minor prize, like a video. Grand prize, for twenty: trip to the rodeo (his choice).

And this: thank God my kid isn't as smart as yours. I think I'd be tempted to use the croquet mallet if he were.

xoxo

[Anna]

As a Montessori pre-school teacher myself (yep, infertile, AND surrounded all day by small children - yippee!) I have taught a lot of very gifted three, four and five year olds. I can pretty honestly say I've never come across one that didn't respond to logical/natural consequences enforced firmly and lovingly.

So, in Patrick's case, I'm guessing there are lots of things he loves to do, so what I would do is keep him with me until he was ready to do what I had asked him. No co-operation - no more activities. For bright children, hanging out with an adult who is perfectly friendly, but not interacting at all gets old pretty quickly. Also, I don't know how the room is organised, but I always give the option of a child asking a friend to help them tidy up if the task is really too big (eg. all the blocks etc).

From your post, I'm not sure if this is refusing to help at the end of the session, where everyone is cleaning up all together, or refusing to clean up his own activities. If it is an end-of-the-session type thing, I don't think that's the best way to do it, as it's not structured enough for young children. Tasks need to be specifically assigned in that case, which is the teacher's problem, not yours.

Defiance is normal, but a skilled teacher should be able to cope with it. There are lots of ways, the first being the creation of an environment which fosters helping each other and contributing to the group. I don't really think she should be bothering you with it myself, I always consider any behaviour that falls into the normal range (which Patrick's obviously does) to be my responsibility to deal with at school.

I haven't mentioned your heartbreaking M&M dilemna. There aren't any words, but I totally understand you going forward as many times as you can. With such a child as Patrick, how could you not want the chance of another?

[Sarah]

With a kid like Patrick, a bit of truth, as suggested by Robin, will likely work. I work with lots of little kids, and I've found this to be very effective--especially with the precocious ones. Furthermore, it punctures the myth that other people like to clean up--most of us have had to have that conversation with ourselves...

[heather]

"Just..." NOTHING! Just be yourself! Just do what feels best for you!
I mean, these things are obvious to you, I know.
Maybe Nike can help.. Just doooooooo eeeeeeeet. What is eeeeet? You tell us (or keep it to yourself).

This is my attempt at sounding heartfelt in giving support. But trust me, it is heartfelt.

[Anne Glamore]

I had one of those who preferred the timeout. I let his teacher know what was up, then we made it clear that if he got a timeout at school, there would be repercussions at home. As I recall at first he lost use of legos for the day, then use of bike.

I asked the teacher to let us try that for a week and it ended up working. It didn't matter what the timeout was for-- he still lost privileges at home.

Good luck!

[Michelle]

That comment about the toilet problems totally cracked me up!

As for the M&M problem, don't worry about TWAMO. It seems like most people don't have M&M-type problems, they always get a blue. For those of us still pulling reds, we'll keep doing what we feel we have to. Do whatever feels right.

[Becky]

Make it clear that the time out won't occur during clean-up, it will occur during the activity, and he won't be allowed to participate. He will, however, be required to help clean up in order to earn the privledge of participating the following day. That way he is earning the right to have fun, instead of having the fun and having no motivation to clean up because the fun has been had.

[Libby]

I know it's not exactly wonderful...but my 3 year old nephew [hereinafter known as "the felon"] is highly motivated by guilt.

We say "how do you think [offended child/teacher/auntie] feels since you wouldn't [help/stop kicking/throwing toasters at] her? Do you think they feel good or do you think you hurt their feelings?

He usually starts sobbing like sarah bernhardt and shuffles off to [clean up/apologize/put down the gun].

I know. But timeouts just create a quiet window for him to plot more destruction. He certainly doesn't mind them...just sits and dreams of Thomas the Tank Engine. We're Jewish. Guilt works.

[Menita]

Gee, I wonder if the sticker system would convince my husband to do the laundry? Must try this.

[colicmommy]

Wait, I'm confused. Why were you surprised to see that you make only 25% normal embryos? That's what genetics would predict. You'd have:

1/4 normal first and normal fourth (Patrick)
1/4 normal first and translocated first/fourth (dead)
1/4 translocated first/fourth and normal fourth (dead)
1/4 translocated first/fourth and translocated fourth/first (Steve)

I assmue for PGD that they throw out the "Steves". Those embryos might be able to live (Steve's living) but I assume they don't take chances like that. Therefore, you would expect about 1/4, or 25% of any batch to be totally normal. Which is what you've got.

Not that that makes it suck any less. I just wanted to assure you that you are no more fucked than expected. :(

You do what you need to do; don't need to explain to us.

[Adrienne]

You are raising a beautiful child in an apparently lovely outdoorsy setting. (And, if I remember correctly from previous posts, a living room much more color-coordinated than mine!) Who could blame you for trying for another child if that's what you and Steve want to do?

It's your time and your money and your family, and no one else's business, quite frankly. (Although I do enjoy pretending that it's mine. :)) I don't really understand all of the genetic bits, but it sounds like you do, which is really good enough for me... If your choice - any choice you make on this matter - is informed, I'd like to have a word with anyone who says you are "descending into TWAMO" or something along the lines of that nonsensical trash.

[cj]

I wonder what you'd think about this stuff by Alfie Kohn (maybe you've read some?) He gives a pretty elaborate, research-based argument that punishments and rewards (in the best case) only modify behavior in the short term rather than helping create the qualities people want their kids to have as they grow up. Instead he's all about discussing reasons with kids and "working with" rather than "doing to."

Gah, not a very good synopsis, but the guy makes sense to me. The caveat is, how many three-year-olds do I even know? Zero.

But it might be interesting to think about some of his stuff. One thing he recommends is asking kids for a solution. What would Patrick say if you asked him why he doesn't help clean up? Or if you asked him how to solve the problem of him not cleaning up (which it sounds like he already, in some way, recognizes is a problem). Maybe it would lead somewhere. Or at least maybe it'd make an interesting little anecdote to blog about...

About the Other Thing, I hope you figure out a next step that feels right. And I hope it works.

[Jenn]

I think that Patrick is on to something. The next time I need to clean up, I will put myself in time out instead. What is it supposed to be, one minute per year of age? "Clean the kitchen? No, I would rather sit in this chair for 29 minutes. Goodbye!"

[Moxie]

I would rather have a timeout than clean up, too.

My mother framed a note she wrote me once that said, "If you'll help me clean the bathroom I'll help you clean your room" followed by a reply in my 8-year-old handwriting: "Dear Mom, I do not want to clean at all. Thank you."

So rest assured that in 30 years this story will be charming.

Someone's got to pursue ART to the ends of the earth. And it's either you or some lady on TLC with a spiral perm. I vote for you.

[Tracey]

I remember the day I asked my daughter to pick up the playroom.. she said.. NO..
I said, You are going to go into timeout if you dont.. She said..
"Well, I will just sit in time out and not clean the play room."
She was 3.
AND now being tested to possibly skip a grade/ gifted.. blah blah blah..
Smile, the smart ones can be a bit difficult but worth EVERY minute.

[Izabela]

My verbal and opinionated 3-year-old...
Well, I've just hoped to find in the comments something that I could use. Not much luck. We haven't tried the star chart system yet, but I'm worried that she'll laugh me out of the house. That's the most likely response.
She also decided that toilet training is not for her. 'I've decided. I prefer the change table.' and despite the chunk of chocolate waiting in the toilet, only cooperates at carefully chosen times (at 5:30am to get mummy out of bed, to delay bedtime and to get out of activities that she doesn't want).
To be honest, I'd leave Patrick's lack of cooperation in the preschool's capable hands. Heh,heh.
Izabela

[Tania]

Well with my 3 year old (girl) excuse me 3 and a half as she would say I have resorted to being a hard core parent and telling her I am throwing out her toys!! It is working. I know it sounds mean but time outs don't work, I personally don't believe in sticker charts. I have started giving her little chores to do around the house, ie. cleaning her room (I help)setting some of the table, putting her dirty clothes in the hamper and helping me cook.This also seems to be working with her being responsible for helping pick up at school.

[carosgram]

Threats never work, consequences do. Next time you tell him to do something, make sure he does it. Even if you have to help him, hand-over-hand technique. If you do this, he will soon learn that he will be doing it- 'the easy way' or 'the hard way' but he will be doing it. Do it now because it is awfully hard to do hand-over-hand with a 16 year old. And you will want your 16 year old to do as he is told, not just willing to take the 'timeout'.

[Mia]

He can't recognize his own name when written? Um, since when AT THREE YEARS OLD was this a requirement? I'm sorry, I didn't start putting letters, let alone words, together until kindergarten/1st grade and I lump someone's name into that category. Ugh, sorry - I guess you a nerve.

On a different note, I have to agree with Patrick's assessment regarding picking up toys. I'd rather have a time-out, too!

[victoria]

"No. I don't think I will."

I love it.

You can whip this gem out next time someone tells you to "just adopt/use donor sperm/be happy with the one you have."

[lb]

If he doesn't clean up at school...I see that as the school's problem. The teacher no doubt has many ideas and techniques she can use to motivate him. This is why she became a teacher!! I don't think that anything you do to try to remotely motivate him, when you aren't even in the room, is going to be very effective at anything but making him sneakier about letting you find out what he's been up to at school.

Of course if you think that cleaning up is a skill you'd like him to work on in general, then by all means do it at home.

I just hate the thought of a little kid coming home from school and having to face questioning about how well he did/did not clean up (maybe several hours previously) and then having an associated reward/punishment for it at HOME as well as whatever they did about it at school. No. I say that when Patrick comes home from school, you give him a hug, say "I missed you" and proceed NOT to grill him about his behaviour at school. Work on his behaviour at HOME, where you have more visibility and control. Let the teachers fight with him at school.

[Becca]

Find something he loves, and take it away after school that day. My 5 year old loves vacuums. Try not to laugh. But if we say he can not see them/spend time with them, it is like the end of the world. Every person has a "currency." Figure out his.

[wheelomatic]

All can say is 'Ware the weedwhacker!

Even if he carelfully mows around them, there is something about a weedwhacker, esp a GAS POWERED one that goews straight to men's brains causing all things to be weeds.

My 10 seed/saplings were reduced to 1 quivering specimen all in a swell foop of the whacker. Followed by a, "What? What? WhaddIdo? Whyrer screaming like that? Whaaaat? You WANTED those there?"

Very nice when he was the one who actually performed the labor to put them where I asked.

Definitely the fault of the whacker. Or maybe passive aggression on his part. hmmmmmmm...

[Denise]

Stickers are good... the other thing is the motivational idea. Take away what the child holds dear or what he enjoys doing the most. In all likelyhood, he'll crumble and you won't have to actually take it.

Good luck!!

[Libby]

We take away privileges. If she does not pick up her toys, then she can't play with those toys for a while. If she does not eat her food, then she can't have dessert, etc, etc. The most feared, and therefore, the one that works the best? No bedtime story. That usually does it for Sofia. I try to be all matter of fact, not angry about it. It usually works with our girl.

Praise for good behaviour (especially when she does not expect it) go a long way too.