Homer Improvement

Remember when I told you that we cannot open our dishwasher and refrigerator doors at the same time because they are three feet apart and directly opposite each other? Well, this bothered Steve the way nuclear fallout bothers people who are adverse to radiation poisoning. It preyed upon his mind like Macbeth. For two years he paced the kitchen with a tape measure and an oversized pad of graph paper, sketching scribbling erasing. At night he would awaken me with his fevered slumbers and muttered oaths about "two-person cleanup impossible" and "staggering accumulated time wasted while waiting to put away leftovers until after the counter tops are cleared." I feared for his health and his sanity.

So it was with profound relief that I greeted the news that Steve had found a solution. I didn't even ask what he had designed*, I just smiled at him and offered him a spoonful of nourishing broth. 

In January he bought a lot of lumber and concrete and the house rang with the sound of his hammer. In February he had scads of dry wall delivered and the house hummed with the buzz of his drill. In March he asked a guy named Scott to tape mud and sand. In mid-March he asked if Scott would mind also putting up a primer coat of paint and laying the new tile floor while he was in there. In late-March he pointed out that as long as we were putting tile down we might as well demolish the powder room and have the tile match the new space, perhaps Scott would be willing... . Scott said yes, certainly, and absolutely. He drew up fresh extortionate quotes and we meekly agreed. What could we do at that point? After all, Steve had promised the dishwasher and the refrigerator that soon they would meet as allies, not enemies, and it was a sacred vow he intended to keep.

In April, however, rather than facilitating appliance detente, we just spent a lot of time wondering where Scott was. He would call at 11 to say he was probably not going to make it by 8am after all. He would show up at 4:30, work for twenty minutes and then tell me he had to go to the hardware store again. I am still not sure what "go to the hardware store" is a euphemism for but it must be pretty great because these trips would frequently last for days. He became like a lamented old friend, gone but not forgotten as we entered and exited through our front door since the exit to the garage was now located on the far side of a partially tiled wasteland. Scott's name was frequently on our lips as we gazed at the closet where the little bathroom used to be.      

Two weeks ago Steve either threatened to break Scott's thumbs** or the hardware store put back on its clothes. In any event, Scott showed up regularly for a whole week and finished his share of the project. The powder room looks like hell ("A touch of paint!" Steve promises) but at least the toilet works again. The new space is completed except for wee details like the fact that it has no cabinets, no counter tops and a big rectangular hole in the exterior wall where a window will go when Phase II is completed.

"Phase II?" you ask.

"PHASE TWO??" I asked.

"Oh yes!" Steve told me. "This is just the new laundry room. Once THIS is completed then I will knock out these walls and make THIS into a corridor and move THAT over here and frame a new wall THERE and put the new range HERE and then...."

Then?

"THEN I can move the refrigerator!"

And he looked so pleased with himself, too, the fucking lunatic.

Five months of construction and all we have to show for it is one and a half laundry rooms. Well, two and a half actually if you count Steve's Hunting-Clothes Only room in the basement. And you know what? I HATE laundry.

*You now think Steve is an architect. No. It's just his hobby.

**And now you have concluded that he is in the Yakuza. Nah, that's just a hobby too.

Comments

[Coralie]

Brilliant! You must meet my Justin, and the two of you can commiserate.

I have just finished our laundry room, after a measly four months. (Which sounds like an accomplishment until you realize that the bathroom has not even been started yet.)

'Maybe by Christmas...' has become my new mantra.

[liz s]

Five years ago (yes, I did say years) my husband said that for Christmas we should redo our master bathroom.

He loves to think about projects, but the "doing" part doesn't seem to be part of the project.

I love a good project, but don't know how to do everything. So I jumped at the task and ripped out the counters, pulled off the ugly wall paper, rented a dumpster and the whole thing was gutted. The we bought a great jetted tub, toilet, sink and all the fixtures.

Everything is still in the garage and the bathroom is still gutted.

There have been a few things happen in the interim that would delay the project. However, FIVE YEARS!!!!!!!!!

Hubby keeps changing the design. He talk about how he would like it but it never goes any further.

I told him that if I die before its done I would like to be buried in the tub. That way I can at least use it once.

I do believe that when both cars are paid off in the fall I will be hiring someone to get started and then I can pick up on the parts I know how to do.

Wish me luck!

[Judy]

See the wonderful thing about the urban condo is that only a select few walls can come down, and big holes letting in the elements are more then frowned upon.

That said, we (we = man we hired) did pull down the wall between our kitchen and living/dining room. And, the anticipated new cabinet delivery/install date is June 9th. The granite to finish the job off hasn't been picked out (never mind ordered), but things are moving along nicely, and I still have 1/2 a kitchen to work with in the mean time. It should all be done by the end of June, but in reality I'm thinking just in time for us to sell the condo and move to the utopian suburban cape cod in a lovely blue ribbon school district. Then we'll start remodeling all over again. Those remodels will include zoning boards, building permits, etc.. Hopefully by then I'll be a bit less courageous when it comes to pulling down walls, ripping up flooring, etc..

[Tonya]

I'll be damned if home remodel projects don't always go that way (at least they seem to in this household, unless it's MY project and mine alone). Turn my hubby loose on his own plan and it takes two to three times longer than it should. I blame the engineer genes. ;) Hoping you lose a spare laundry room and gain a remodelled kitchen soon.

[Miz S]

Shit. I wish Mizter S had Steve's vision. I am still trying to convince him that the 50-YEAR-OLD bathrooms need updating.

[Toni]

My father took out his kitchen sink April 1st of one year - and didn't replace it until June the NEXT year. My poor step mother had to clean the dishes in the mud sink - until he took THAT out. Yep - too the tub. Saint that she is, she only complained when her back hurt from cleaning in the tub after two weeks. Ugh...I would have thrown the fit on April 2nd.

We are anticipating a whole addition this summer. I'm scared. Very, very scared.

[Bethany]

Tell Scott that we're still waiting for him to return to our house. He left for the hardware store 2.5 years ago and never returned.

I will never hire another "Scott" without a contract that takes 10% off his fee for every day he calls to tell me he isn't coming.

Good luck!

[Michelle]

Contractors are a funny bunch, they always seem to be off to the "hardware store" or someplace that isn't your house. We hired a guy to put up a fence at our house a month and a half ago, and we're still trying to coordinate how to pay him. We probably won't have the actual fence until next winter at this rate.

[Melissa]

Wow. And I thought I had it bad. I am having my kitchen and master bath redone. "I" is a relative term since we live abroad in housing leased by the gov't. My landlady is a doll and agreed to a really nice kitchen upgrade. I had had it yesterday after only three and a half weeks. I bawled out the plumber because I really need my kitchen back and he'd come, stay for a few hours, take out all the working fixtures and then leave.

My kitchen is done today and it is beautiful. I guess I should count my blessings.

[JustLinda]

Can you at least send your laundry OUT for processing during this time?

I'd do almost anything to get out of laundry, including tearing up my entire home, I think.

Good luck getting through it!

[Amber]

Cracked me up! Often it is so hard to find good help...

[Erin]

I can relate, though J lacks the action that Steve has in spades. My Mother's Day 2005gift was a greenhouse, constructed by J (though he graciously promised to allow me to play with the circular saw regularly). The other day was--why, it was Mother's Day 2006. Guess what we did? We framed in the greenhouse roof. Now we have a base, which is 4 4x4's connected, two walls, and a roof. We only lack the front, the back, the windows, and the ground fill/fieldstone floor. At this rate, it should be done just in time for us to decide we've grown out of the house and need to move.

What frightens me is that he also wants to finish the basement, a major project if ever we've had one. That should be done before the next people to live here are ready to sell the house.

Who ever termed this process "home improvement"??

[Libby]

Man, Steve looks like Pierce Brosnan AND is like super Mr. Handyman?

In the immortal words of Napoleon Dynamite:

Luckyyy

[Natalee]

I dread the day I finally buy a house, because although I have a serious "home improvement bug", neither I, nor my hubby are constructionally (is that a word?) inclined. We bought a new dining room fixture several months ago, and it is still sitting, unopened, in its box, on the dining room floor.

Luckily for me, my best friend's entire familiy is full of good contractors that I can hire at a decent rate.

[Garnigal]

See, scary works! My mother has been remodeling her cottage since January, and we asked to use it this summer, so she called her contractor and...

She says that Tom said "since it's you, Shirley..." I'm pretty sure there was an offer he couldn't refuse involved.

[SarahD]

"fresh extortionate quotes" Classic! I do have to wonder, where do they all go when they run those errands? Is there an invisible realm, like the Bermuda Triangle, that only contractors can cross over into? Maybe that's where their hardware store is and time is much slower there, so they don't know they've been gone 3 days and not 30 minutes.

It sounds farfetched but, come on, what other explanation is there?

[nate]

Sometimes I wish my husband were more into home improvement/DIY.

And then sometimes, I'm glad he's not.

!

[Marsha]

This? This is why we are now renting.

Selling one house, moving to a new state and signing a lease were the steps available to me to cease the endless "we're right in the middle of Project X" conversations that go on for *years*. Now that all manner of Project Xs are contractually off-limits I'm finally enjoying a measure of peace and am absence of tools on the floors/counters/deck/porch/stairs/wherever.

[Melissa B.]

Ah, yes, we'll just join you in this unwitting cocktail party okay?

Our hall bathroom was torn apart, to the studs, in February. I believe it is May this point, yes May, and we are pleased to announce a functional shower and toilet.

There is no door, but you're free to use this fantastic guest bathroom any time. Fun at parties, I tell ya.

[-Blue]

I oFficially love Steve!

If I ever get tired of Evil Genius Husband, can I have yours?

This is me all over. I have a dozen partially finished projects in and around my home and ... oh jeez ... don't get me started about what's 'almost done' in the barnyard.

Bad part about me is that I never hire professionals so it's just me and ... me, hammering, sanding, trying to electrocute myself. Happy days!

-Blue

[Courtney]

This story, combined with above stories, combined with the three years it took my parents to complete their own kitchen, all make me glad I rent.

When S. attempts to do ANYTHING around the condo you have to factor in when he thinks it will be complete and multiply it exponentially and assume that in some lovely alternate life it will get done...
C

[terri c]

This is hilarious. It is hilarious for *me* because I live 1000 miles away... I love the phrase about the hardware store putting clothes back on. Seriously, though, this is why the fixer-upper I bought 10 years ago is still a fixer-upper. I'm afraid of Scott!!

[bluepaolo]

sigh.

Bookshelf obsessed Architect here speaking again. For y'all who want to get things done "quickly". Remember the golden contractor rule. quickly, cheaply, well-done. You can pick two of three.
Seriously, Contractor's make their money partly by juggling the maximum amount of projects that will bring in the most money at a given time. At the start of a job and in the middle, when they can bill a lot - they will be there. At the end, when they need to just finish one or two things so you can actually use the kitchen - not so much. They would rather be at another job with more cash flow and take care of your stuff when they get a 'free' moment or they sense that your patience is really at an end and they can't milk you for future jobs/ references. If they know that you are pretty much done after one job. Good Luck seeing them for a long time. I don't blame them for this. Just pure economics. Things you can do - Definitely hold at least 10% until the end of the job. A 'bonus' for finishing early that was already part of your budget is another good idea. On your part - take all the time in the beginning to plan out the work and then don't make changes once work begins. Think of it like a symphony. Nobody wants to stop the orchestra to rewrite the adagio. Very expensive. If you can't plan it out beforehand 'until it's built' - hire a professional.

[Leslie]

Ahh!! Home improvements!! My husband started the kitchen 2 months ago with the promise that everything would be done in 2 weeks. We still don't have the floor down and I have no sink, counter or cupboards. Everything that was in the kitchen is now in the living room. I'm actually at my wit's end. Maybe it'll be done by the time I decide to divorce him:)

[Lisa S (et al, aka Stolidoli)]

I read this this morning at about six. I couldn't sleep because the contractors were coming to start digging the foundation for the "Alleged Home Addition" that we have been planning since 2002. I totally couldn't even respond when I read it this morning.

Right now there is a big hold in my yard, getting larger by the moment. I'm hoping that by paying someone ELSE to do the work, I will not end up like you. Please pray for me.

Anyway, I feel your pain, and I LOVE the title to this post. How appropriate.

Please post pictures!!!

[linda]

We moved out of our house on February 10th for our 3 month remodel/additions. Remember that song, "It Never Rains in California", well, yeah, the extended title is "It Never Rains in California Until You've Moved Out of Your House for a Major Remodel". Three months and seven days later, the roof trusses are finally up and they're laying down the roofing. Now we just have to do the interior walls, the flooring, the bathrooms, the kitchen (cabinets and appliances), and the closets, then we're done. How does September sound?

[Jen A]

I am laughing so hard I'm crying. Your Steve is hilarious.

[Lisa P]

About all I can say to this one is good luck!

I hope things move more smoothly and quicker in the near future.

[Anne Glamore]

We only dream about tearing out walls, but I did paint my laundry room bright silver! It's just as hideous as it sounds, so I wouldn't advise it.

[Crystal]

Dec... decor.... decor.... dec-wha?

My husband actually had to take 4 days off work for us to unpack. Anyone who has paid attention to my life (here on this blog, that's probably a big fat goose egg, much more interesting stuff around these here parts) knows that we moved a year ago. Thanks to a visit from that little bugger known as cancer (cancer, baby... oh no... no... again flooding the floor), and the process of serving an eviction notice to said uninvited guest, unpacking never got done because a week after we moved I was otherwise occupied.

70% of what we own was still in the garage. We've got that down to 50% and shrinking, but my bed which was nearly cleared off last week is again covered in stuff.... I miss my bed. It's a nice bed as beds go.

Having spent a modest fortune in storage stuff (we're downsizing our living space by about half) we're out of discretionary funds until next week, and frankly, out of energy. Next week however husband again will be working somewhere around 75+ hours. So..... perhaps by Father's day, the domecile we have inhabited for over a year may finally be liveable, and the stuff may finally be accessible again. Amen for garages and plastic storage containers. The newer see through ones are my saving grace.

Decor will have to wait for habitability. So perhaps by the end of the decade, some style may enter our lives. Har, har, har har.....

I'm no help on the decor front, I'm a traditionalist. Early American is my passion. Beyond that... feh, I'm clueless. I've just come across tons of my Mom's Asian/South American artifacts and modern art.... She should have adopted you, you would have been a much better fit for her daughter wise, and instead of me trying to figure out where the hell to put this stuff, it would have actually matched some of your decor. I have Objets d'art just crying out to be the touch of bold color your room needs, and crying from boredom at being forced to live a bourgois life such as ours.

Blech. I'm not even average enough to be average. I try to console myself with the notion that when the kids are gone, I can shoot for that BH&G cover, but.... Right. Just after that Nobel Prize, perhaps...

[shannon]

And you're still cooking delicious and healthful meals in such a space?
Gak!
I'm sorry.

[Susan]

My sister-in-law had a house painter once who kept announcing that he had to "go out to my car for a minute." Or three hours. One morning, when he didn't return from his car, she went out to see what exactly he was doing.

And found him sitting in the back of a police car. Handcuffed.

Of course, after that he couldn't finish painting her living room because, as he would call each morning to tell her, he was in jail.

[christina]

Oh I have abundant sympathy. My husband is fairly good with tools/projects...and we've been rennovating for about 5 months too. BUT there are certainly those days where I am speechless with incredulity at whatever project he is "just" planning to complete...

[Al]

You have my sympathy. My other half has decided that my being 22 weeks pregs is an appropriate time to start knocking down walls and alcoves in out living room as well as replacing all the dry wall in the hall way to make the house 'more presentable to visitors' he is totally ignoring the fact that it will take 2-3 months and in that time I will have midwifes visiting me every 2-3 weeks!!

[bookgirl]

wives of contractors don't have it any better, my darlings. It's a classic case of the cobbler's children having no shoes. We're going to have a fabu place...someday. Currently, there are THREE gutted rooms in our house, just patiently (me, not so much) waiting to be transformed...when he's not at a client's. I don't tell him I secretly wish that the next client job won't happen so he has to stay home. Thank god I'm used to raising a family amidst construction...and "don't touch the insulation"!

delurking after many months, Julia - you're wonderful.