Oh Just Pick A Title

Steve had knee surgery this morning.

I am unimpressed.

Sure, I know, Woman... when pain and anguish wring the brow a ministering angel thou, but frankly I prefer to stay uncertain, coy, and hard to please. This is the FIFTH orthopedic surgery he has had since we have been married. Knee, shoulder, knee, wrist, ankle... no damn it, this the SIXTH. And it is not like he is a professional steeplechaser or anything neither (nor is he a lawyer. where did you get that idea? if Steve was a lawyer I would spend more time suing people and less time writing them strongly worded letters: "Dear Sir, You call this cantaloupe 'fresh'? How dare you. Love, Julia".)

Be that as it may, he thought I was joking when I forbade him to schedule another surgery so I had to get Steve to the hospital by 7:30 and Patrick to his final day of preschool by 9:00 and then I had to figure out how to fetch them both back again in a timely fashion (I went 85 mph and changed lanes like a race car driver, that's how. I hated the thought of either one looking forlorn and abandoned, although they both proceeded to whine all afternoon anyway so I don't even know WHY I bother being so giving and sweet). 

Hey I just learned that you need to cook brown rice like pasta. Fill up a pan with water, add some salt, bring it to a boil and dump in the rice. You have to stir it rather often but it is much more toothsome this way than the old absorption method I learned at my mother's knee. And it is faster. Start checking it after 20 minutes (bite one) but it should be ready by about 25 to 30 minutes, tops. You probably already knew this. Sorry if I am trying to teach my grandmother to suck eggs over here. 

Netflix! Bastards. We do rent actual movies through them, sometimes, but for the most part we like to watch television series (serieses? seriess?) in their entirety. Nothing so satisfying as getting to a season finale cliff-hanger and just sliding in another DVD. Immediate gratification really is the very best kind of gratification, you know.

So a few months ago we were watching Farscape and enjoying it tremendously (Ben Browder- you complete me). However, they put the first season on DVD in a weird way, so you would have episodes 1 and 8 on one disc, 2 and 5 on another... weird. This resulted in our shuffling a lot of discs back and forth to Netflix very quickly and suddenly our one day turn-around time became a week. I thought it was a glitch or something so I tried to fix the problem by upgrading our membership to five-at-a-time. At which point it became even worse. So I sent them a letter saying that I had opted to pay them more in order to get the service I wanted and in exchange they screwed me, thus encouraging me to pay them less and this was stupid (Dear Netflix, You call this cantaloupe 'fresh'? How dare you. Love, Julia). Right around this time the whole throttling thing was revealed and I said Ah-HA! I knew it! and promptly succumbed to morning sickness such that I didn't care anymore and I didn't want to watch anything anyway.

Well, we all know how that pregnancy turned out (ok, not all of us, I guess. I got this comment yesterday on my post about morning sickness from a few months back: "... be really happy because nausea means a strong healthy pregnancy." No, actually, it doesn't. Sorry to be all "keeping it real" but no. Morning sickness does not mean the pregnancy is healthy. High initial betas do not mean the pregnancy is healthy. Doubling betas, shapely sacs, no spotting, heartbeats, wiggling parts and identifiable limbs... none of these things fucking guarantee that the pregnancy is healthy, ok? But congratulations and I am sure it will be different for you.)

What, you think I have miscarried ten times without picking up a soupcon of bitterness? Hardly. I am as endive, baby - cool and crunchy and absinthian.

Where was I?

Oh, watching Netflix. Or not as the case may be, since they have mixed up our queue again and we now have the fourth season of Coupling (British. very very funny. we spent most of the first season laughing aloud. fer real.) without ever getting the third, and the second and fourth discs for Deadwood season two but not the first or third. I get that they have based their profit assumptions upon average consumer behavior patterns (hellllloooo! MmmmmmBbbbbbbbAaaaaaaa concentration in Maaaaarrkkeettting* here) BUT adding some version of pay-per-usage to their business model would serve to strengthen customer loyalty with core users. Um, like a Titanium Netflixeteers Club or something. If they had sent an email last week saying, "You are about to exceed your algorithmic limits. Would you like to upgrade your membership to Comic Book Guy Level for $1000 or do you want to spend the weekend engaging in meaningful dialogue with your spouse, possibly while doing a jigsaw puzzle?" I would have given them unto half my kingdom for just one more red envelope. Anyway, Netflix and me, we are enemies now.

Although I still use them.

In fact, I just upgraded again.

Which means... great, another abusive relationship.          

Oh yes, I know what you were thinking when I said Steve was determined to have another child. You were thinking, "That ANIMAL! That despicable hairy man-beast! Doesn't he realize that it is HER body? She should give him a good stabbing, that's what she should do. Fix those inappropriate procreative urges tout de suite." Or, as my mother put it, acidly, upon hearing of Steve's declaration that we should persevere, "Oh? Really?"

Personally, I think it is endearing.

But we can talk about this tomorrow. I, uh, stopped at Blockbuster after picking up Steve's prescriptions and now we need to watch Narnia before he passes out. Yes, I realize that Netflix just gave a complacent chuckle. Shut up.

*For the record I never did complete my MBA. I still have to take two Finance classes, Research and something called Core or Clump or something like that involving a Big Final Project. Which I will never ever do. Because I don't want to. But I did finish all of my marketing stuff, so I am solid on this one.

PS I tried this with short-grain brown rice, if that matters. Also, ur-hum, you know you have to drain the rice after it is done, right? Good. Just checking.

Comments

[Marsha]

I just have a plain old MBA and I was going to get all jealous that yours is "in" something. Good call on not finishing. That clump project is so not worth it.

[Marsha]

Oh. I feel like I also should have commented on l'affair des enfants but what does one say? What ever one does say, picture me saying it not acidly. Perhaps soothingly, with a sympathetic nod of the head while I refill our glasses.

[grumpygirl]

knee surgery? it's the frisbee, i'm telling you right now. and you know how i feel about the frisbee boys

[Kristen]

hmmm...I just emailed the red-envelope company about getting the 4th Season of Coupling in stock. Perhaps (perhaps, perhaps) your "local" area is more stocked then my local area.

[Sandy]

Can I just say, I get so excited when I check your site (as I do numerous times throughout the day) and see that you have posted something new? Can I? Can I say it?..well I DO!

ahhhh...I feel better..

Sucks on the Netflix, I don't even bother with them...and I hope that Steve doesn't have anymore surgeries, and if he does, I hope you both fair it well...lol...

[Sally]

Love LOVE the brown rice thing. I'm so trying that tomorrow.
...yup, that's all I got.

[Kira]

Well, I, for one, never got the impression that you were cowering at Steve's feet, whimpering, "As you will, my lord and master." You seem fully capable of handling him if you want to go another route. Especially right now, with the gimp knee.
I am more excited about the brown rice than words can say. More. Excited. I shall try it tomorrow, because I'm making jerk pork tenderloin and my children will be sneering at its hint of greenness and brown rice will soothe their souls. Thank you.

[Mir]

Wait, you have to take something called Clump in order to get an MBA? Now I understand why I never got one.

[Lena]

Hmm, where's Finalized Reproductive Agenda 712? I cannot wait to hear how it varies from the others...

Netflix has us by the balls over here too. Entourage, Lost, Alias, what have you.

[Lena]

Also, BAKE the brown rice. You'll never have rice which is tastier.

[s@bd]

love coupling - LOVE it.

that's all i have to say.

[Dee]

You have no idea how impressed I am that you used "absinthian". Truely. This is why I lurve you.

Sorry about Steve's knee and Netflix. Hope both are better, soon.

[Samantha]

I have Netflix as well, or rather, we had a fight and I'm taking a break. I was/am on the 1-at-a-time thing and even though the warehouse is literally two hours from my house, it would still take two days, which equals to roughly 1 disc per week.

Hopefully, when we get back together...they'll have realized the error of their ways. :|

[sozzled]

ah, Netflix, I used to love you. I felt the same way about Simon (what is with the bad melon?? what happened to my lovely produce?) and it took me nearly 6 months to wean myself from them (although Trader Joe's stepped in to take their place). But I am threatening the summer off of the 'Flix much to my daughters dismay. We will see if we can manage without them.

[Sheridan]

You delight me. Completely.

[Judy]

Farscape eh? I have most of the others you mentioned, so if you lived in NJ you would not be Netflix's bitch.

BTW, what we do (not exactly legal) when series come in messed up order is burn copies, so we can watch them back-to-back. We also do this when the idiot that watched the DVD before us put season 3 disk 4 in the white sleeve of season 3 disk 3. At times I can't stand the 3 days waiting + no DVDs sent on Sunday + Monday. I don't feel too bad, because we never manage to get cheap burned DVDs into cases, so they are promptly ruined by Daniel (i.e. still only provide a single viewing in this house - keeping with the spirit of the law).

BTW - your pancakes have made buttermilk a cornerstone of my weekly shopping list*. And a tip (if you choose to add it) is to use regular milk (not buttermilk) to loosen up the mix if it needs a little extra liquid in the AM, because the buttermilk container holds 4 cups (2 batches), and adding extra to the 1st batch doesn't leave enough buttermilk for the 2nd.

*By grocery list I mean the list I write at home and take to the store with Daniel. Not to be confused with a list generated online, filled and delivered by the store, and put away by the housekeeper. Sorry I'm jealous. Not of the 10 miscarriages or the cats, just the kitchen (w/o updates), grocery delivery and frequent housekeeping services. Can you try and provide that info in dribs + drabs?

[Miz S]

A marketing MBA? Get outta here with your pale, languid, absinthian self. I would have thought 19th century literature or something.

[Rebecca]

Aaaah...those Netflix woes. I feel your pain. We recently cancelled our subscription and switched to Blockbuster's mail order service. Movies come much faster (although there is still the same wait for new releases). The bonus is that they send you e-coupons for a free in store rental each week. So....when your favorite dvd is waitlisted, you can go in the store and get it. It's been working for us...hopefully it will for you too.

[Deb]

I am also Netflix's bitch! Just like you, my husband and I watch our TV series through them. The same thing happened with the out of order discs and the slowing down of shipments. We kept adding to our service, but it didn't change anything. So now we're back to the 3 out at a time. Also, our latest envelope to mail back out DVDs was addressed to the "Nearest Netflix Center" in HAWAII - and we live in INDIANA!

[Jess]

Oh! I too am watching Farscape through the great bounty of Netflix (Oh, Ben Browder!) and I was also confused when I saw that the discs were labelled as episode 1 & 8 on disc one, episodes 3 & 7 on disc 2, etc. Which seemed . . .insane. So I did some investigating, and the episodes are actually in the correct order, they are just mislabeled on the Netflix site. So it *is* actually episodes 1&2 on disc 1, for example. So. This will probably be fairly irritating news to you.

[carosgram]

I love endive! Belgian combined with the wirery kind, douced in vinegar with a little oil, salt and pepper makes a great salad. Keeps my mouth alive, just like reading your blog keeps my mind active. Hope all has calmed down at your house. Drugs help!

[Molly]

Another Blockbuster Online user popping in to say that we've been pleased with what they offer. Love having the two coupons each month for free rentals from the store, and sometimes they'll throw in coupons for a cheap (or even free) pre-viewed DVD. Good stuff.

Break the cycle of abuse, Julia. Move on.

[Paula]

Like Dee, I too am impressed with the use of 'absinthian' - I've never heard it used to describe a person OR a vegetable. Then again, I don't get out much.

[Susan in OR]

We supplement Netflix with our public library -- they have entire series in one box. True, you only get three weeks to watch an entire season of the Sopranos, but we don't have to deal with the single disk at a time problem.

Our library also allows us to put books & DVDs & VHS on hold, so we join their queue via the net; I can check how quickly we're moving up on the queue & can predict within a week or two when it will arrive. The only bad thing was when a full season of the Sopranos showed up at the same time as a full season of Sex & The City.

[Nancy]

I was downright tickled by this post. There are few things I enjoy more than writing a strongly-worded "Dear Sir:" letter. Not, god, in my lawyer-capacity, but as Consumer Nancy, Done Wrong By Incompetent Service.

Netflix. I heard a disturbing rumor yesterday that the turn-around time for loyal customers increased so as to put more resources into service to new customers -- the idea being that the loyal customers are already to entrenched to desert. Urban myth? Baseless conspiracy theory? Perhaps, but I've noticed some increased lag time whereas before my crisp little discs were delivered tout suite.

[wealhtheow]

Farscape is pure crack. I'm watching reruns on cable, because if I did the DVDs I would have to lock myself in my house and not emerge until I had watched EVERY SINGLE LAST EPISODE. My god, Ben Browder is dreamy. Also, "absinthian" is one of my favorite words.

[Liv]

Six surgeries huh? Yeah, your husband really is a mutant.

I think that Blockbuster has a similar program to Netflix. I don't really keep up because we don't watch anything above a 4 year old level all of which is repeated endlessly. You lucky duck.

Have you tried cooking the rice in a microwave? I am stuck in a hotel for 2 more weeks and dying to have some food not prepared in a restaraunt. Dammit, how do you spell restaraunt??

[meg]

I'm a Netflix newbie...just a month into the relationship. We are still in the honeymoon phase, so to speak. I couldn't stand renting yet another Dora movie for 5 bucks at the big chain store when I could buy it for 11.99...but I did not want to buy yet another Dora movie. Netflix seemed like the perfect solution. Sigh. Still, maybe I will get lucky in that I will probably follow the average consusmer behavivor patterns. Sounds like me. If it involves getting a Dora video every time.

[sinda]

Netflix still likes me, because I am erratic (the Church of Scientology diagnosed me with the Glee of Insanity, but that is another story entirely). Sometimes our turn around time is one day, sometimes one month. And since my husband and I splt our queue, it's even more erratic.

I. Love. Coupling. We watched it on BBC America when it first aired, then netflixed it last year - love it, love it, love it!

Have you seen Firefly? It's a Joss Whedon, and a friend got me hooked, it was great.

Now I alternate between Sex and the City, and Veronica Mars.

Thanks for the brown rice trick - my husband just declared it impossible, after he'd failed on our electric stove so many times since we moved to this gas-forsaken house. Will have to try this.

It really is just a soupcon of bitterness, and it's absolutely appropriate.

[Grace]

Re: Netflix, I'm feeling your same pain. JUST GIVE ME MY GODDAMN GILMORE GIRLS!

Re: rice--I think the idea is that if you cook it such that all the cooking water absorbs into it, you don't lose any nutrients in the water. At least that is what my hippy cookbooks tell me. However, if you are in it for tastiness rather than nutrients, that may not matter.

[Heather B.]

"Netflix. I heard a disturbing rumor yesterday that the turn-around time for loyal customers increased so as to put more resources into service to new customers -- the idea being that the loyal customers are already to entrenched to desert. Urban myth? Baseless conspiracy theory? Perhaps, but I've noticed some increased lag time whereas before my crisp little discs were delivered tout suite."

Nancy had said this and I found it as I was about to tell you the same thing. I've heard the same but months ago, as it's happened to a few people that I know (one friend did an experiment to see if his dvds were being slowed down due to the neighborhood he lived in - Harlem - based on the rest of NY), anyway, I would say that it's probably less of a rumor and more of a reality that Netflix puts their resources into newer customers. Which is why I get my dvds at lightning speed and my brother - who has been a member for quite some time - doesn't.

[far and away the farthest]

OK. I am going to tell you a netflix deal but somebody has to watch the door and hiss if one of their stoolies is in the hall. You can split your account into two queues. One in your name, one in your spouses or imaginary playmates. Then you play them together. So, if you are getting the final disc of season 4 on one queue you order the first disc of season 5 on the other.

This does not work if they crap up the sequence of episodes on the discs themselves. What is with that, we own the whole Farscape thing and C can tell me what episode is next and who in that episode also played a grunion in the 2nd season. That is just sadistic.

[JenniF]

Weighing in on Blockbuster vs. Netflix. we've done both, never havd any problems with netflix but switched to blockbuster because it was cheaper (at the time) and you got the free coupons. They never send me anything in order which was a pain when I was trying to watch the first season of Lost. I finally took everything else but what I wanted out of my queue it get them to send me the ones I wanted!

The Library thing is a good idea too, when you just can't and they're free!

[g]

Where else can you go for a surgery update, a Netflix rant, a vocabulary lesson (excellent use of "absinthian" btw), and a cooking lesson all in one place? I'm hooked.

And also totally trying the rice thing this week. Thanks!

[victoria]

I would forgive that hairy man-beast a LOT for that freakishly beautiful kitchen. And hey, you know, I eat brown rice ALL THE TIME and I didn't know about that uber-cool tip so thank you Julia! And then comment #3: you are so so so right about the drugstore mascara! I did the test: I bought expensive Chanel mascara (flakey clumps littering my face after a few hours) and Clinique mascara (made no apparent difference to the appearance of my lashes) and threw them both out after just a few uses to go back to my CoverGirl Multiplying mascara which works SO MUCH BETTER and is SO MUCH CHEAPER. You are awesome for taking the shame out of cheap mascara for me.

[ceejae]

Thanks for the brown rice tip.

Speaking of the culinary arts, do you know a great recipe for a noodle salad with a sort of gingery/nutty dressing? (tahini or peanut, I don't know) The May Day Cafe (if you ever venture into Powderhorn?) makes something like this I'm trying to replicate, and the only recipe I've tried (which has tahini and sesame oil and, I don't know, some kind of vinegar) the dressing comes out kind of grainy. The one who brought us the yummy spicy shrimp pasta recipe must have an answer for this one, right?

[Kat]

That's weird. It sounds like if you cook the rice like that, it won't get super dry and stick to the bottom of the pot. How do you get your daily arm workout if you aren't madly trying to scrape crusted rice off the pot?

Despite the lack of a workout, your brown rice recipe sounds good. Thanks for the tip!

[SarahD]

Dear Netflix, You call this cantaloupe 'fresh'? How dare you. Love, Julia

Classic! BTW, if you want to catch more Ben Browder, he's playing essentially the same part on Stargate SG1 now, which plays pretty much continuously on SciFi. And when he joined the cast, so did Claudia Black, though she is in love with Daniel (aren't we all) Jackson. That is really disconcerting for a few episodes, but eventually it grows on you. They are fantastic. She'll be a series regular as of this coming season, starting in June.

[Lisa C.]

The rice thing? That's how the Iranians cook all rice. You boil the rice just until it's soft, then drain the water and steam it in the pot for about 20 minutes. I used to hate rice until I was taught this method of cooking. Also, I find that long grain rice tastes far better than short grain rice. Just my opinion, of course.

[Kel]

Just keeping it real.

This was one of your best posts! Comprehensive (knee surgery, last day of preschool, cooking tips, last pregnancy touchstone, tv viewing hints), funny, and complicated (absinthian, absinthian,absinthian).

Gosh...

Kel

[heather]

how come i just want to comment on pretty much every entry with 'i love you julia'?

oh right, cause I LOVE YOU JULIA

in a non-creepy, faithful reader/commenter kinda way, of course.

[liz]

Hey from another holder of a partial MBA! I love saying "when I was in graduate school...". Nobody ever asks me if I finished graduate school since I've been home for 16 years.

[Kathleen]

My rice cooker is my single most ugly appliance and also my most dearly beloved.

Perfect brown rice, everytime.

Love it!

[Kira]

I just wanted to check back in to let you know that the rice was perfect. Joy abounded at our table. Thank you, thank you.

[Emily]

Julia, I hope Netflix reads this and realizes that by making you displeased, they have displeased us all. Netflix, please rectify this situation, I know you are reading this.

[Elizabeth]

I clicked over here from Fancypants, and I gotta say I love it here! Recipes, snark, a little drama AND the correct use of words like "absinthian"? Plus now I know Netflix=bastards, drugstore mascara=works just as well for cheap, buttermilk=yummy pancakes and lots of boiling water=perfect brown rice. You are ALL THAT and the proverbial bag of chips! I'll be back for sure.

[anne nahm]

I am a good cook, but I suck at all rice making attempts. Now it all goes in the rice cooker, with varying degrees of success (and PS? Wild rice in the cooker? Blehh).

Is there some 'secret' which is so painfully obvious most would forget to mention it? Mine is somehow both crunchy and swimming in water. Help!

[fizz]

Buy! BUY! As the proud owner of all of both Farscape and the British version of Coupling, I can tell you that you'll want to revisit certain episodes even after you're done with the series. Or start anew, like my husband and I are attempting to do with Farscape....

[Adrienne]

"I am as endive, baby - cool and crunchy and absinthian."

Sigh. I wish I could write like you do. Please tell me that having a cleaning lady and a kitchen with pretty windows has something to do with it.

[Isabel]

Hi,

This is the South African way of cooking rice - place your rice in an appropriately sized pot(pan). Just cover with water. Bring to a boil. Once boiling, rinse with cold water (this is to get rid of all starches). Cover rinsed rice with twice the amount of water as the rice in the pot. Place back on the stove, add salt and bring to boil again. Turn the temp down to simmer and leave for 20 minutes. You will have perfectly cooked rice.