Resume. Resume. I Believe Both Pronunications Are Correct.

I was washing dishes when Linda Hirshman first entered the public eye last winter with her assertion that highly educated stay-at-home moms are wrecking civilization, so I missed all of the original kerfuffle. Fortunately, Steve was performing his monthly 5 hours of domestic servitude this morning so I was able to scrape the biscuit dough out of my hair long enough to catch her Op-Ed in today's Washington Post. And I am so glad I did because otherwise I might have gone to my unmarked, unlamented grave without ever reading the lines:

"...women who quit their jobs to stay home with their children were making a mistake... the tasks of housekeeping and child rearing were not worthy of the full time and talents of intelligent and educated human beings. They do not require a great intellect, they are not honored and they do not involve risks and the rewards that risk brings. Oh, and by the way, where were the dads when all this household labor was being distributed?"

Zing!

As a proud, one might almost say Xtreme, housewife with, you know, degrees, I think I should be offended by this but... meh. Not so much. If you take the time to wade through the original article without getting all shrill, I think she is actually making interesting points. Supposing one was truly committed to capital F Feminism (I am not. I consider myself more of an egalitarian humanist) you can see how frustrating it must be to have the most highly qualified women in the country declining their seats in the Star Chamber in favor of dispensing Goldfish crackers. Imagine the disappointed looks on the faces of Justice O'Connor and Maggie Thatcher when their hand-picked successors for the World Council of 12 (brilliant women, most promising) tell them they are going to have to miss the April meeting AGAIN due to swimming lessons and chronic ear infections with the new baby. It's enough to make the intelligentsia weep. I mean, if big girls cried. Which they most emphatically do not. 

My problem, however and small though it is, is with this statement: "child rearing [is] not worthy of the full time and talents of intelligent and educated human beings." As hard as I have tried to put my personal feelings for Patrick aside and look at it objectively, I just cannot get past this assertion. It makes children sound like a tomato plants. Do you know how hard it is to screw up a tomato plant? Very hard. Do you really need to just feed kids and water them and make sure no one backs over them with a mower? Isn't there more to raising a child than that or am I kidding myself? Toilets, sure. I can understand why the idea of a female PhD quitting her research position at the Mayo solely to clean bathrooms might be a societal loss, but should child-rearing and housework really be in the same sentence like that?

I like to think that I have a positive effect on Patrick. That the hours we spend together every day has had some role in creating the brilliant, polite, relaxed, funny kid that he is. More importantly, I like to think that he matters. Not just to me but in general. Would he be the same if I just sent him into the woods everyday? Did you see how hard I am trying not to slam daycare there by coming up with an absurd alternative to his being with me? Did I succeed?

I would like your views. Do you have children? If you do not but would like to, do you have a childcare plan? If you do, do you work (outside the home, I mean, jackassess. I know Mother's Work is Never Done)? Do you want to work or do you have to work or both? Do you like the childcare you use? Do you think there are ways daycare is better for the child than staying home with a parent (I can think of about ten. for both.) Do you consider yourself a feminist? Do you think women with specific training are obligated to use their skills for the greater good?

And here's another question, how long do children require full-time care? Five years? Eight, if you have more than one child? Why can't a woman take a career break and then come back? What is with the notion that once you become a Stay At Home Mother you have fallen into a bottomless pit never to return to the work force? My mother says that the nice thing about being a woman, if you play it right, is that you get to have all these different lives packed into one lifetime. Of course, my mother also says that nice girls never get so drunk they forget to take off their jewelry before collapsing face-first into bed, so what does she know? 

Added: GAK! GAK! GAK! I was not saying... I did not mean to imply... GAK! "Why can't a woman take a career break... " what I meant by that is why does Ms. Hirschman's argument center on a notion that one is EITHER a full-time doctor or a stay-at-home mother, why can't a woman do both, just at different times?

Added still later: I am feeling stupid about a couple things. First, in saying that I am not a feminist I meant... well I meant that I was not LIKE THAT. All hostile and judgemental and (one assumes) flushed with indignation. But I could have just said that. Saying I am not a Feminist in this context makes me sound like those women in the 70s who did not support the ERA because they had heard it would eliminate the possibility of alimony. I apologize.

Second, I have no idea at all what I meant about how long children need full-time care. I was trying to get to the point that you can do a lot of different things in life but I wrote it badly.

OK, carry on.

Comments

[Rose]

No children here. I do plan to go back to work after having children--I would have to for financial reasons, but I imagine I will want to as well. I hope to be able to afford to take a couple of months (6 or so) off of work.

Daycare works for me. I imagine that we will have a combination of my parents, my partner's parents and a university based daycare watch the child(ren) while we are working/schooling.

I am a feminist, but it has absolutely nothing to do with whether or not a woman works after she has kids. It has more to do with the fact that the woman has the choice to work, if she so chooses, even after a long break while raising children.

I think that everyone is required to use their skills for the greater good. That might mean that one's contribution is a great child. But, I am of the view that working for the improvement of your community and the people around you is very, very important, whether or not you do it for pay, whether or not you are a parent, whether or not you have a job. (but i am a social worker, so i am obviously biased ;) ).

[Bethany]

For me, my reasons for staying home are partly selfish. I want to be here for me, almost as much as I want to be here for them.

Before I had my older daughter I thought I'd be off 12 weeks and then right back to work, but once she was born work wasn't important to me anymore. Some may argue I was never committed to it in the first place, but I don't know.

One of my dearest friends had her second child 3 weeks before my first was born. She marked days on the calendar until she could get back to work (we're both special education teachers) because staying home just made her itch.

I don't think that there's anything wrong with either of our choices and we are both very content with where we are right now, though our daily lives look very different.

That said, I have been wondering lately what I'm contributing. I like to think that I'm having a positive influence on the world around me and besides raising my girls to be curious and compassionate, I'm not doing much else and that's the part of "work" that I miss.

(That, and the paycheck.)

[Bethany]

I just have to say that Rose's comment wasn't there when I wrote my comment and I didn't read it until after I posted my own, but her last paragraph and mine touch on the same issue in an uncanny way.

[Katie]

Okay, I have not read this entire article, but now plan to do so. I completely agree with you on the notion that child rearing and house work should not be lumped together. I think that it is a great benefit to the child to have "intelligent and educated human beings" to stay at home and care for them. I find that bringing up a child is an excellence use of intellect. However, I do not stay at home with my daughter, as I am still finishing up my degree in math education. (I have also gotten similar comments about wanting to become a teacher, that this somehow is a waste of my ability and intellegence.) I send my daughter to day care on campus and feel good about my decision. I feel that the exposure to other children is good for her, the complete devotion of the staff to taking care of her, playing with her, and educating her is great. If I were to be caring for her every minute I was out of class my attention would be divided going back and forth between her and finishing school work, so I love being able to do all my work while she is in day care and give her my undivided attention the other times. Okay, so I know this is a long comment, but basically I am saying that I am sure you have a beneficial effect on Patrick that he would not get from being sent off to the woods, and that your intelligence and education is wonderful for him to be around.

[shannon]

Well, for me feminist=person who thinks women are fully human, so count me in.

I think that whether it requires intellect or not, someone should pay me for the drudge work I do at home (excluding child rearing),

And as for the importance of childrearing itslef, I have to use a somewhat circular example by telling you that the way we remind ourselves how important my work is around here is by loosely quoting you and saying I "keep the baby alive."

pretty damn important.

As for daycare, I used to teach 2 and 3 year-olds and I agree with you about the 10 ways it's better and the 10 ways it's worse. I think the two models (provided the day care is good quality) are even. After that I think a parent should decide this based on financial needs and on personal interest.

Some women are bored to tears staying home with small children. Some love it. All other things being even, decide based on that.

I am starting to miss having an "adult" (paid work) life these days. But I am carving one out by working from home (as well as in the home). That's a nice option if one has it.

[beaver girl]

I had a very nice career for 14 years and now I have a 8 month old son and am at home with him. Whenever I read about how I'm squandoring my intellect and experience and how I need to think about going back to work now or later - one phrase comes to mind. Make me.

[Jb]

I have a son (16 mths) & am home with him. I love it and would not have it any other way. Have grad degree. I think until you have a child you really don't know what will work for you & your child. For us, we were clear I would stay home because I have trouble with the ratios in daycare at young ages. I know its 3 to 1 in Calif for infants, not sure as they get older. My son does have one babysitter he sees regularly and he interacts with kids in the park & from my moms group. where we live in the san francisco bay area I consider it a privledge to stay home. I worked before, will work again. Have a friend who became an MD while her youngest (of 4) was in middle school. She was 40 & expects to practice medicine for the next 25 years or so. She loved raising her kids - stayed home with them. She is my role model! (she got started on the baby thing a bit earlier than me is the only problem!) The bottom line is that each mom and dad need to do what works for them & their child/children. I think a miserable mom staying home because she "should" makes no sense - or a mom working because she is really really smart but wants to be home does not make sense either. I just wish we all had the options and finances to do what we are drawn to.

[Lisa V]

I have 4 children. I stayed home for 12 years. My youngest child, who is 4 goes to day care/pre-school September through May. I am a grant writer/service learning & electives cooridnator for a very cool K-8 school. This job evolved out of the years I volunteered for the school.

During the years I stayed home, I was totally convinced it was the best thing to do. I actually thought there might be daycares that were far more qualified to care for my children, but I loved being with them. And so they were raised by wolves. Namely, me.

My fourth child was unexpected. My third was entering kindergarten, I had planned to either return to work or get another useless degree (my first is liberal arts). I felt done with being home full-time. So when my son appeared on the scene I still carried on with my plans, and it's worked out well. He goes to "school" 3 to 4 days a week from 9 to 4, and I work at something I love. It's a good balance for us. However, I was a stay at home mom for so long, that I kind of view myself as a stay at home mom who happens to be working. I don't feel like a working mom.

I think whatever nugget of truth or wisdom we could glean from Hirschman gets lost in her propaganda. She is out there to sell books, so she tries to push buttons.

I am a wonderful cook, creative in my decor, and a pretty good nurturer of people - not just my children either- it's not menial work, no matter how much those who don't understand it try to make it so.

[Lisa]

Not a feminist here, but I do like being a girl and I'm all for women.

I don't have kids yet, but we're going to start trying in August. I haven't worked since mid 1999, and trust me, society isn't missing out on anything. I loathe school even though I feel like an utter loser not having a college education. I stopped working when my husband and I got married. He wanted a traditional wife since he works upwards of 16 hours a day some times. Since I didn't have a career making tons of money, I chose to become a housewife and that works for us. (and if one more person asks me "what do you do all day?", I will hit them)

My child care plan will be me raising the kids. My husband works for himself from home so he will be around to help when I need it. I am sure kids do benifit from day care, being around other kids their age, learning to share, social skills, etc. However, since I will be staying home, I have no need for day care.

I think a woman should do what she (and her partner) feel is right for them. There is no stock answer for every person on the planet. You have to do the best you can, and if that's staying home, great. If that's day care while you work, great.

[C]

The troubling thing to me is that Linda Hirshman seems to say that only one choice is valid- that there is no room for SAHM in todays world and I find that immensely insulting and limiting.

For me staying home with my son is a calling. I've wanted to do this as long as I've wanted children. It does take risk, creativity and ingenuity. It takes sacrifice, imagination and most of all a driving passion that THIS is what I want to do.

My best friend is a ECE teacher and she is beyond amazing in her field and she knows that is where she wants to be and that's a great choice too.

I support her choice and she supports mine, so I guess in the end that's what's important in my life; and Linda Hirshman? Not so much.

[Beth]

I work 4 days a week. My 6 month old son spends two days with my mom and two days at daycare. If I could afford to quit, I would have already done it. I did spend most of his first 6 months at home with him.

Yes, some days were a grind, and it's nice to talk to adults, but there are other ways to do that besides work. Maybe I would feel differently if I felt it was truly my choice to work.

And I have a problem with that statement of Hirshman's as well. So when we drop our children off at daycare, we should be leaving them in the hands of the uneducated and unintelligent? Who else, after all, would deign to take on childcare as a profession? Or is she only counting those women who spend 24 hours a day tending children? Regardless, it's a very insulting statement.

[Foster]

I work in a daycare, and having done so, I will NEVER send my kids to a daycare. I guess if some v v extreme things happened, I would have to, but daycare is NOT as good as Mom or Dad, and the employees ARE raising your children whether you want to admit it or not. I know many will disagree, but if Im with your child for 9 hours a day, 5 days a week, how am I not helping to raise him/her? Exactly.

Kids under the age of 2 are in no way learning social skills at daycare. Kids this age are v self-centered and actually mean to each other. Ten kids under 2 in a class together is not a pretty site, even with three teachers.

Sometimes I think, "Well, it's not fair that a woman should have to give up her career 'just' because she had a baby," but what is more important, your work, or your kid? It's absolutely LUDACROUS (ludacris? lol) that anyone would try to make women think that raising their own children is not important.

As for women who leave the workforce: last time I checked, *I* paid for my degree, not you, so I can do with it whatever I damn well please. If I want to get my PhD and then spend all my days fishing, it's My Damn Business.

I know I got all crazy and shit, but it pisses me the fuck off when people (women, mainly) act like staying home to raise your kids is some grand waste of time. I dont care if you work and your kids will NOT be damaged in some way b/c you do, but leave stay-at-home parents the hell alone!!

[meg]

I have a bachelor's and a master's degree, and have chosen to stay home with my kids, at least until the youngest is in first grade, and then we will see from there. I am not sure if we will have more or not. I am not one of the high powered professionals she is worried about, as I was "just" an elementary school teacher before I had kids (2 boys). In a way this makes all this much easier for me. It is pretty common for teachers to re-enter the workforce after 10 years (or so) off, and if I do go back my work schedule will exactly match their school schedule, down to the 2:30 release time and random in-service days.

Do I want to work? Sometimes. If I had only my own selfish desires to consider, I would work. I liked my job, and I was good at it. I always thought I would work when I had kids, in fact. But now, I feel like I need to look at what is best for me and what is best for my family as a whole and give them (at least) the same amount of weight as I give myself. (This is not to imply that I am martyring what I want for my family. It is not that simple. Having one of us at home with the kids has enormous benefits for my family as a whole, which in turn benefits me personally, so it is all mixed together). Being at-home means more relaxing weekends for family time, as chores have (usually? sometimes?) already been done. It means less stressful mornings and evenings, and earlier bedtimes for the kids as I don't have to squeeze in quality time between dinner and bed. It means being able to use sick days and vacation days for actual sick days and vacations because I am around for emergencies and doctor appointments. It means a more organized progression of the days, as I am able to keep track of the day to day details (more dinners at home, more consistant discipline...) It means that my family and my home are calmer and happier than they would be if I was working full time.

Can working mothers do these things too? Sure, but I imagine there is a price to pay. Are there benefits to child care? Yes, but in my opinion they are not nearly so strong or numerous as the benefits of having a parent at home. Do I feel like I am wasting my potential? Somedays I do(especially when my first was a newborn...I felt like my mind was turning into oatmeal but that could have just been the lack of sleep), most days I do not. Do I feel like I am no longer working for the greater good? Absolutely not. I am raising good boys who are going to turn into good men. When I was teaching I was often struck by how little I could actually do for some kids. Parents have the strongest influence, for good or for bad. As a parent I intend to take advantage of the opportunity.

How long do children require full time care? Good question. It has occured to me that as my sons get older and enter elementary school it might still benefit my family to have me at home. (I'm sure I could find PLENTY to do while they were at school in the mornings). While I lean towards going back to work, the closer it gets the less sure I am of this. I've still got some time to decide.

Sorry so long, Julia!

[owlhaven]

I'm an RN and have 8 children, ages 1 through 18. I worked part-time the first 11 years of my marriage and have been at home for the past 8.

I enjoyed my work very much-- I worked at a birthing center coaching women one-on-one though labor. It was a tremendously satisfying job, one I may go back to some day.

But for now I am so GLAD I no longer have to split myself between the two places. Wondering if the baby was OK at home without me. Trying to get done with my work so I could hurry home. I felt SO torn. Now I am free to focus where my passion is-- my family-- as well as indulge another passion on the side-- writing.

Anyone who thinks it does not take brains to raise children should try lifting the mood of a child who is depressed over his grandpa's death-- or encouraging compassion in a child bent on getting his own way at his brother's expense--or giving just the right amount of advice (but not too much) to a 17 year old trying to decide where to go to college...

Thoroughly engrossing tasks and not ones you can expect other caregivers to care deeply enough about..

I am deeply happy with my life, and tremendously blessed to share it with my children.

Mary

[Dallas]

I'm still a student in college, however, I go to a college where a lot of girls focus on the MRS versus their BA. I find myself longing for the intimacy of marriage, and I suppose following that is children. However, I want a career in politics, and I've long struggled with the delimma - have kids or have a career that would truly require I give it my all?

I've not come to any sort of conclusion. However, I work as a nanny for a busy working mother and father. They have two amazing boys, but both are miserable, because of the demands on their time. I'm not sure the kids are very happy, either.

Who knows? I don't doubt the contribution a mother makes. Mine, who worked and died when I was 13, has certainly turned me into a reasonably productive citizen.

I read a lot of baby/infertility/mothering blogs and basically, I think everyone needs to get off y'all's nuts. Metaphorically speaking, of course.

[Jamie]

There are so many things I could say about this one, but if I stayed up long enough to write them I would be tired and consequently short-tempered with my children tomorrow. "No, really," I would say, "it's okay that I'm snapping at you. It's because I was up too late last night explaining the glories of full-time motherhood."

When I was trying to decide whether or not to return to work after my first son was born, my mother said, "You are too complex a person to stay home with a baby." I wish I had said, "You want someone boring and one-dimensional to care for your grandchild instead?" Or to Linda Hirshman: someone unintelligent or uneducated should be caring for my children? Because that would help them to be intelligent and educated -- in what way, exactly?

Motherhood is an odd mix of transcendence and drudgery. There are the moments when I know this is the best thing I've ever done. There are the moments when I learn by sitting in it that once again the toilet seat has been splattered with pee (do they try to write their names in pee as they stand at the toilet? why is it so hard to get it in the toilet?), and the moments when I think, "One more reading of Cat in the Hat and I'm going to pitch it out the window and run up the street shrieking." And there are the moments in which I am required to be a much finer person than I actually am, in order to teach a child more about what I know he can become.

Those last moments, I believe, are hammering me into a finer person: a more patient person, a wiser person (not to mention a person with a high tolerance for besprinkled bathrooms and anapestic tetrameter). I hesitate even to say that, because it could sound like I think staying home is the route to sanctity. I'm not saying that -- I'm only saying that I believe it can be a route to sanctity, nasty bathrooms and all.

I am planning, with some trepidation, to return to grad school part-time in pursuit of a PhD this fall. My older kids will be going to school and my younger kids will be spending a lot more time with other adults. What's it going to be like for them? What's it going to be like for me? I wish I knew. I can't imagine I will ever regret this time I've spent at home.

[Kylie]

Yes I'm a feminist (incidentally, I would also consider myself an egalitarian humanist - don't see that you can't be both). I have two small boys, work three days per week for reasons that combine financial necessity and choice. (My husband's no Steve in the financial stakes, but he's earning a decent salary so in truth financial necessity really means 'so that we can have the lifestyle we want' rather than 'so we can afford to buy groceries'.) I'm a professional in a technology related field and feel that working part-time now is securing my ability to work in the future. In the interests of full disclosure, I should also mention that I really enjoy my paid work (most days). Child care consists of grandmother care for my younger (he's 18 months) and a combination of day care and grandmother care for my almost 4 year old. It's an arrangement that works for my family. It no doubt reflects poorly on me, but if I were home everyday with my boys I would feel stressed rather than blessed. For egotistical and philosophical reasons, I also like the fact that my boys know that I work and earn money too.

Kylie

[CTG]

I wish with every bone in my body and cell in my feminist graduate degree educated brain that I could stay at home with my children. However, my decision to pursue graduate education and loans to pay for it, is one of the reasons I can not. I was always disliked in my "XYZ & Women" courses in college and law school because my view of feminism and equality is simple, that women, not society, makes the decision on what they do. There were many women in those classes who felt that women who chose to stay at home, as housewives or as sahms, were setting back the feminist movement.

I think that the statement that being a SAHM takes no intelligence and involves no risk or reward can only be made by someone who has never been one. My life at home requires more ingenuity, creativity, organization and intelligence than my life at work. And the risk of letting my daughter go down the big crazy slide all by herself and the reward of the smile on her face when she reaches the bottom, far surpasses any deal I could facilitate at work. Now if you will excuse me, I must go water my children and send them into the woods.

[meg]

"When I was trying to decide whether or not to return to work after my first son was born, my mother said, "You are too complex a person to stay home with a baby." I wish I had said, "You want someone boring and one-dimensional to care for your grandchild instead?" Or to Linda Hirshman: someone unintelligent or uneducated should be caring for my children? Because that would help them to be intelligent and educated -- in what way, exactly?"

Well said, Jamie. My mom didn't think I could do it either (I think because she did it and hated it so much).

I went back and read the article Julia refers to, and then the original one, and then came back here, and I remember seeing this on 60 minutes as well, but was feeding a baby at the time so only remember parts (probably when he was burping). There is much more to say (like the part about failing our feminist foremothers...it's all well and good to say how society should be, it's another thing when it comes down to your actual life and acutal family...) and lots more, but it is late and not my blog....

[Franc]

Hi and thanks for asking.

I have no children nor do I want any. That said, I still read your blog. Why? Because you're interesting and smart and you use words like kerfuffle* that I have to look up. Ergo--if you are one of those wildly overeducated SAHMs and you are raising a fine child, then I applaud you. God knows, we need smart, educated citizens (and bloggers) in the next generation, and if very wise moms can willingly raise them with their very own hands, then onward!

*No extra L, I guess.

[Julia S]

Aw damn it.

Doesn't kerfluffle look better with the extra L though?

[Kel]

Oh my brain!

I work full time, I make a good living at my job, it can be a very stressful place to be. I work with people who have little college or formal education and people who have their PhDs (I'm in the middle). After doing it for 10 plus years, for the most part, I'm doing it on cruise control.

How could anyone suggest that if I were lucky enough to stay home with my three kids, I'd be "wasting" my talent? I'm working in corporate America folks, I'm wasting my talent now!

Yeah, I can create a multi-million dollar budget with stunning acuracy faster than most of the folks around me. I can calm and redirect an hysterical client bent on self-destruction. I can manage a team of 53 people to make sure product X reaches its 12 distribution points. Etc. Etc. Etc. Blah, blah, blah. Who is going to care in 20 years, 10 years, 5 years, next year?? Don't get me wrong, I have loved this career (and the income) and the enjoyed the people I get to work with. But its just a job (that I spend 50 hours a week or more doing).

What I really want to do is... raise decent human beings, who read, who understand what charity means, who have faith and compasion and common sense. Who are secure in how loved they are. THAT is what will matter in 20 years, in 10, in 5, and right now.

My partner (a veterinarian) is now a SAHM because she can, because we can. She can take several years off and step back into her career with no penalty phase. I can't and I make more than she does, so this works for us. We did a wonderful day-care situation with our son and have no regrets, but when the twins came... three kids needed us more than we needed two incomes. Yes, we are giving up some material things to do this, but we understand fully how fortunate we are to even have that choice.

Do I think she's wasting her time? Hardly. What ticks me off is this black and white bullshit. That it's all one way or another.

[Courtney]

I loved this post. I don't even know why -- but it evokes so many thoughts in me. When my older sister (who is a billion times smarter than I) was graduating from the #1 Ivy League medical school at the time, we took a walk through a decidedly feminist community. At the time, Barbara Bush was going to speak, and a lot of "F"eminists were pissed because they wanted someone with more "oomph" -- the idea being that Barbara Bush was "just a housewife" -- and my sister and I had a great talk about the fact that if you support choices for women, you really should support ALL choices for women. As a woman who was about to start law school (at a decidedly NOT Ivy League school), her words rang in my ears for years. This was 15 years ago.

I watched my sister, whose academic and medical career is quite unique, struggle with both her religious faith and her strong(er) desire to raise her family with the strong pull to "rule the world" so to speak.

And I thank whatever higher power there is that I didn't ever have that choice. I am not the smartest or the most talented. But I am the breadwinner of my family. I am fortunate to have a high power career in a successful company. I was allowed to progress to the top level of management, despite the fact I had three kids in (almost 4) years, and breastfeed/pumped for every one of them. My husband and I have 3 children -- my oldest will be five in August; my middle and only son will be three in July; and my baby girl just turned one in June.

My husband is ABD in the area of Philosophy of Economics. It just made more sense for me to be the breadwinner. And I have made the choice to never be apologetic about it. My husband is the full-time SAHD, and my children are so loved and so have such extremely high self-esteem. I would not have worked full-time without having this safety net. I personally believe that children derive their self esteem from their parents. And, right or wrong, I think little girls need time with their dads. I left my first born, stuffed in a sling hanging off my husband's shoulders, at 5 weeks old. I drove home and breastfed at lunch; I pumped for all 3 kids; I did what needed to be done.

I am not perfect. I missed my first daughter's "first day" at preschool for her second year of preschool (it happened to occur the Monday after the summers school(which she attended) ended. I figured it out at 7:30am, on my way to work (Thank God it was my birthday, and my best friend called me on the way to work and reminded (told) me.) I will fess up that I re-enacted the day the following Wednesday. My mom wasn't perfect either, though she was there every day of my life (and for which sometimes I wished she wasn't.)

I don't get why women continue to break eachother down. Who in the world cares about how many minutes you spend with your kid a day? I mean, other than the kid??? And even then, I am sure even the most dense 3 year old would take some quality time over mommy talking on the phone/cooking dinner/cleaning the kitchen. It is time we start thinking about quality over quantity. My kids have never been confused about who their mom is. The competitive crap has got to end.

[Tertia]

See, I can't do this debate. I can't even read "And here's another question, how long do children require full-time care?" without the stabbing pain in my heart. AND I love you think you are divine. And still I can't read that.

I promise promise promise that I don’t mean to be combative, but this is the kind of sentence that makes the other half go ouch. My children ARE already getting full time care, half of which is by Rose and the other half by me. I don’t stop caring about them or caring about their care between 9 and 5.

Argh! I actually hate this debate, not because I don’t think it is a good one to have, but because I always always come away feeling like a fucked-up, second rate mother because I am unable to provide “full-time care”.

Blah! I’d have a glass of wine to make myself feel better, but it is 07:00am and I need to go desert my kids now. I mean, go to work. ;-)

You know I still love you? Right? It’s not you, it’s me. Can we still be friends?

[Courtney]

I forgot to add. My children, aside from preschool 2-3 times a week for 3 hours, have never been left with a babysitter. NEVER. And that isn't right. I know it is a totally different issue, but I think it is a related issue. Our reasons aren't philosophical as much as practical, but I get a little irked that this conversation always revolves around a mother's choice. It is the PARENTS' choice about how to raise a child. The decision about childrearing shouldn't automatically revolve around the mother deciding to quit her job.

My husband is, and always will be, a better parent than I. Housecleaning, organizing, multi-tasking? I will kick him where it hurts every single time, but being there for the kids, unencumbered with any life burden, he wins. Period.

[Andrea]

I'm also a SAHM to a 16 month old boy. It's something I desired from my earliest memories. So much so that when I first married my husband, we started budgeting for it. Not really saving...but rather...living on one income because it was something we both wanted. Our son was born almost 6 years later.

I can't imagine anything more important for me to be doing than raising him at home. To me there is no greater good than being a Mom.

My sister is a SAHM of 4 kids and she says a big misconception people have is that your children only need you at home when they are young. She says she is finding that her middle schoolers and need her MORE because that is when they are most susceptible to peer pressure and are forming their opinions about life.

I love that you are "highly" educated and choose to stay at home. It's refreshing and so needed in our world. Strong women do stay home to raise their kids...and there's nothing sissy about that!

[gkk]

To me, being a feminist means recognising women have the right to make their own choices, and for me that is staying at home while my kids are young. Someone telling me I MUST go back to work is just as bad as our Mothers and Grandmothers being told they couldn't.

I have 2 girls, 2 and 3, and I have always said I would go back to work when the youngest hit full time schooling. The closer that gets though the less certain I am. My profession demands 40+ hour weeks and there is also the issue of the 12 weeks holidays a year. My current plan is to do my teaching cert (only 1 year given the degree I already have) so I can teach and so keep the same "hours" as the girls.

I have nothing against daycare (both my girls go one day a week - my sanity day!), but I don't feel full time day care is right for MY kids.

I know my choice is right for me, but I feel most for the women who for whatever reason don't have that luxury (both staying at home when they want to be working and working when they want to be at home). I have enough confidence in myself to let these sort of articles wash over me, but if I was unhappy with my situation I know they would slay me.

[Jen A]

Let's see if I can cover the essentials here. I consider myself a feminist in that I think women should be able to choose from all the options on the table, just as men can. I have a 26 month old daughter and we're TTC a second child. I have BS and MS degrees. I'm a SAHM except for the one class per year I teach at the community college. The only caregivers my daughter has ever had other than my husband and myself are my in-laws, and since they give her a dollar every time they babysit, I guess they actually pay us.

Do I feel my degrees are a waste? Absolutely not. For one thing, I am a better mother because of all that I learned and experienced in college. I am a smarter, more empathetic, well-rounded individual. But it's also an insurance policy for our family. If something should happen to my husband, his job, or his ability to work, my degrees will make it much easier for me to earn the income our family needs.

Granted, I keep my resume somewhat up-to-date by teaching the occasional class and doing volunteer work, but I'd prefer to never work another day again. I am a family-oriented homebody with zero career ambition, and my (accountant) husband is the same way. If we inherited a windfall of money, we'd both be SAH parents. I think it helps, though, that I have a strong domestic streak. I don't like cleaning, but I love cooking, gardening, knitting, decorating, that kind of thing. Sometimes I think I'm channeling my great-grandmother.

[Vanessa]

I have a seven-year-old daughter and have worked full-time since she was 8 weeks old. Quitting was never an option, as my husband is disabled and I'm the sole breadwinner. Would I like to stay home? Yes, more than anything. Is it ever going to happen? Not unless I win the lottery. I'm pretty sure this is my karmic punishment for being a smug teenager who thought of course mothers should work, and for giving my own mother grief about having "no ambition" and leaving her crappy retail job to stay at home with my half-sister. As a product of the 70s and 80s, I had the idea that combining multiple children (I planned to have four) and a high-powered career (I was thinking maybe lawyer, maybe famous actress or playwright) was easy. Ha! Little did I know!

As far as how long kids need care, I would venture to say it's a lot longer than is commonly assumed. It's kind of ironic that so many women plan to go back to work when the kids start school, because I've found that that's when you really need to be available. I'd love to be able to help out in my daughter's classroom, attend all the parties, pick her up in the afternoons, help with homework, etc., but I can't -- I'm at work. It was a lot easier when she just stayed home with her dad all day long.

[Katy]

I've just started maternity leave for my second baby who is due in 10 weeks and my daughter is 14 months. Yes I am mad. Aside from that I'm staying home with them both because I want to and I hated my job. Purely selfish reasons. We wont be rolling in money without my wage but we can manage it so both my husband and I have decided that rather than me crying and complaining when my daughter doesn't sleep at nursery then I'll take care of her instead.

Saying all of that I completely understand if Mums can't afford to give up work. Or if they have a job that they love. Imagine that! Liking going to work! I admire working Mums more than SAHMs because I can barely drag my backside out of bed in the morning anymore, let alone get us all ready for work / nursery.

[katie]

I don't have any children yet... still trying to work out if I'm just too old or if there is something measurably wrong with me.

I do have two nieces and my work is research with small children, so I have a few clues at least about what I'd hope to do:

If I gave birth to a singleton, we get 6 months' paid leave (not full pay, but still) and I'd take that and then work part time (kids are fun - full time kids I don't think are fun for long periods of time. I need sanity and I love my job, which does not involve long periods of face to fact kid time, bizarrely enough!).

If we adopt it is likely to be siblings, and the same if I gave birth to twins (Ha!) - we get another 6 months unpaid leave so I'd take that also and then, again, work part time.

I think I'd probably work part time for a year or two after the arrival of a child, however the child arrived, rather than until they were a certain age.

I also think that preschool children benefit from time with other children their age (my brother is dead set on homeschooling their two, whereas my mother and I can see that the older one at least is crying out for little friends her age [nearly 3], and they don't live somewhere that will happen unless she goes to nursery or school).

And finally I think that babies and young children should be used to having a limited number of regular caregivers that is greater than ONE. For the sanity of the mother, for the flexibility of the child (no mother can be there 24h a day)... it is not necessary to have a rotating series of anonymous nursery workers, the best nurseries have a "named carer" system which works in the same way as having a nanny or a childminder (the former being a constant carer in the child's own home and the latter the same but in the childminder's home).

This works out the same as being cared for by Mum one day, Dad the next or Mum one day and Grandma the next. Which even the most rabid pro-SAHM would not argue with, I hope.

[Jennifer]

I have two children, work full time, and we have a complex set of childcare arrangements. But basically, my husband balances being their primary carer between two part-time jobs, one during school hours in the day, and the other at night time when I've got home from work. One pays well, the other is our local council, and pays not much more than expenses.

Do I think he's wasted his (very expensive) legal education? No, I don't. He is very involved in our community (ran our local playgroup, as well as agitating for better facilities for children). He's paid his dues having had a fabulously responsible job before we had kids (which, incidentally, more than paid for his legal education). And he does a great job stimulating and gently moulding our two children (much better than I would do).

And somehow, I think that if you swapped the genders in my comment, Linda Hirshmann, for one, would have a very different reaction to it.

I could write much, much more (and probably will, on my blog), but my deal at work is that in order to get home at a reasonable hour to takeover from my husband in the evenings, I have to do some work at home, which I am currently procrastinating from (thanks for the thought-provoking post).

[Denise D]

I think you have a responsibility to seek out fulfilling work and make some sort of a contribution to society. I think caring for a young child is fulfilling work.

I have 2 children and work from home as a consultant. My schedule is very flexible, and my husband also works from home. It's difficult cramming a full workday into half a day of actual work, and I've considered quitting, but two things keep me there: first, I really like the work; and second, the thought of going too long without earning any money makes me physically and mentally uncomfortable. If it were a choice between commuting and never seeing the kids vs. staying home, I could handle it, but I'm happy that I have the choice.

Does that sound like I'm making my parenting choices based more on my desires and convenience than my children's? Well, yeah.

[Ariella]

I do consider myself a feminist, though I believe in equality between the sexes and not a society where women rule over men (there are different types of feminism!).

At any rate, I do not have children, so anything I say here is pure conjecture on my part. Since I have no problems with conjecture, here is our generalized plan for whatever children we might produce in the future: I hope to breastfeed the child, but will only stay home a maximum of six months full-time. I don't think I have the kind of personality that could deal with staying home with a child and not do any work. Plus, I am the main breadwinner in our home, so it makes more sense financially for me to work and for my husband to stay home.

My husband, for his part, has no problem with this. I think we will probably work it such that I stay home for the first six months and then he stays home for another year after that. At that point, we both feel that the child can enter daycare for at least partial days. In addition, my mother-in-law was a preschool and kindergarten teacher for many years, and so I'm sure she will be happy to stay with the little one(s), if we were so inclined. We would never use her as a babysitting service, but she has stated that she would be willing to watch any children produced on a part-time basis.

So. That's our plan, imperfect though it is. I HOPE I can pump when I go back to work so we can continue to feed our kids breastmilk for at least one year.

I find a lot of Hirshman's points interesting and cogent, though her sensationalistic way of presenting them annoys me. I do think it's OK for a woman to take a break from her field to raise her kids, but I would like to point out that when you're in a field that's fast-paced (say, biotechnology or IT), leaving for a couple years and then coming back is the kiss of death. You may not be able to get another job if you leave those fields, and I think some women know and accept that. I mean, I guess I'm trying to say that it's all much more complex than the question of whether it's OK to take time off for a couple years and then try to come back.

I know a lot of female attorneys (my field) who have left to raise their kids. When they try to come back, they find that partners in their firms don't want to put them on a partner track because they believe that mothers do less quality work than their unchilded counterparts. Are they wrong? Probably not: mothers certainly have a lot more on their plates, which could lead to less attention at work. I have no idea what the solution is.

[Michelle]

This topic is soooo immensely charged with emotion! I don't have any kids at home yet (hopefully the next pregnancy!) so I guess it could change. But. I plan to take my 12 paid weeks, and then go back to work. My husband and I both earn similar salaries for the same small company, so our income would half if I were to stay home. We could manange it, but I think that I'll be more sane if I'm working.

The cool thing about working for a small company is that our bosses care deeply for us, and will let us work from home a couple of days per week. So really we'll only need daycare probably twice a week. Hopefully, our kids will get the benefits of having us both at home, and of going and socializing with other kids. Hopefully.

That being said, I think that if you choose to stay home, and can afford to do so, nothing is being "wasted". Statements like that are made by people to justify their choices and make themselves feel better about things. I think Patrick is incredibly lucky to have his (talented, intelligent, degreed, etc.) mother around all the time!

[christine]

how timely!

i am about to graduate with my doctorate. and i am 10 weeks pregnant. i plan to stay at home full time with this child for oh, say 4-6 months, then return part time (if such work can be found!). don't tell my advisor.

my most serious problem with this whole debate is the forced dichotomy between sahm/working mom. not that simple. there should be room for change over time.

but anyway, i am also insulted by anyone who implies that a daycare could do just as good a job as me- me, who could offer one-on-one time by someone genetically related to the child, and who has a far greater investment in the child's outcome than someone who is there for the 8 bucks an hour.

not that i think daycares are out and out bad or that they are not reasonable options. obviously i plan to use some form of childcare if and when i get back to using this degree. for now, though, the career is something i will focus on later, when the kids are all in school.

[Pam L]

I don't understand how anyone would think having educated parents, male or female, raising their own children is a waste of their time. Do you really want the stupid people raising the heirs of the planet? Shouldn't THEY be the ones who remain childless? Shouldn't there at least be a test before you are even allowed to become a parent?
And about the amount of time you should stay at home...I worked after my first one was born. I stepped down from being a general manager of a hotel so I wouldn't have to put in the 50-80 hours a week anymore. 7 years later after trying, and losing one, yes only one, we had my second son. At this point I stayed home and have not returned per se, to the outside world. I now work at home running the office of our business and have the best of both worlds so I am not typical, I guess. I get to interact with adults and can run off to take my son to summer track practice in the middle of the day. My youngest is now 13 and as he grew older I realized there was no magic age when it was OK to "go back to work", as in outside the home. Yes, there are ages at which it's easier on everyone but I kept wondering what the heck would I do with them in the summer? and who would be there for them when they absolutely needed me in the middle of the day, right away, not an hour later when I could get there. I watched my neighbors kids go off to summer "programs" each day where they spent their entire day at a park , under a covered picnic area and had to use public restrooms. No bed to lie down in to take a nap, always eating a sack lunch. Is this what I wanted for my two boys? Apparently not. And I agree, I am not raising tomatoe plants. There are lessons to be learned every day at home with my boys. Sometimes they were teaching me, and sometimes I was teaching them, and I'm not sure who got more out of it.

[Becky]

I was triple major in undergrad (and, yes, I graduated in 4 years). I have a bachelor's degree in social studies (where I focused on psychology), special education, and early childhood education. I got my master's in early childhood special education. I often got 2 key comments related to a- my choice of university and b- my desire to be a stay-at-home mom (scheduled to start in approx. 3 months). First, I was asked why I would waste all that money on going to a well regarded school to "just" be a teacher (notably, this came from other teachers). Second, I was asked why I would "waste" all that education on being a housewife. My first response was always that I didn't know it was possible to "waste" and education- perhaps a mind, but not education. Even if I had never done anything directly related to my degrees, I learned to be a critical thinker, to analyse, to think beyond the block I grew up on, to have a better understanding of other's and their viewpoints, and, most importantly, I learned how to learn and explore on my own. While I am no longer paid to help families navigate confusing special education law, help them acccess various special education services, help prevent child abuse, or help families find different strategies to apply to child-focused conundrums, that doesn't mean I don't still use those skills and share them on occasion. My second response was that I wasn't clear how a degree that focused on children and how to help them grow, learn, explore, and develop was wasted by me deciding to work with children- although in an unpaid way. I always wondered how, exactly, I could go about *not* wasting my education by helping others raise their children but, not by raising my own. Perhaps the larger issue that Ms Hershman should be examining is why one of the feminist causes (at least in her perspective) can't be placing a higher, and more appropriate, value on the care of children. It's certainally a priority for this feminist.

[ProudMary]

Isn't she also vastly overestimating the importance and stimulation of having a career? I mean, exactly how many wonderful, engaging jobs that actually make a difference in the world, whilst taking place in an encouraging atmosphere are even out there? Too few for this argument to hold water.

In my book, inane administrative tasks, even done at executive levels, are dramatically less important to society than forming and teaching a little mind. Honestly, it's probably a bigger social service to duck out and let an unemployed person get a shot. Hell, I actually quit my professional job to be a mother AND clean toilets (we bought a motel so we could live at home and be with him.) And I couldn't be happier about it.

[iheartnewyork]

Eeeeeeesh -- this whole subject makes me uncomfortable. I hate how it seems like women have to defend themselves and justify their decisions when it comes to their families. I get an ache in the pit of my stomach over this whole debate.

I consider myself a feminist -- I guess -- and also an egalitarian humanist. I think you can be both. I have a college degree and I've worked in corporate America for 18 years now.

When I had my son almost 8 years ago, I realized nothing would be "easy" again as far as my career was concerned. Whatever decision I made from that point on was always going to be viewed by others in a different light. Just leaving my full-time job wasn't an option for me -- I really like to work outside the home and we would have had to make some drastic changes to our lifestyle to afford living on one salary. We tried a daycare center for him during his first year -- with some success. But mostly I didn't like it. I look back at that year with intense mommy guilt. He was sick too often, I didn't love the way the daycare staff was treated or treated each other, etc.

At one point, when he was about 10 months old, I assumed a part-time schedule for a few months -- it wasn't something my company would let me do permanently -- and it really helped.

Then we found a nanny sharing arrangement with another family and things vastly improved. When our daughter came along 5 years ago, I took 7 months off from work and then we got our own nanny. We are thankful for her every day. She is such an important part of our family and our children's lives. I think we are all very lucky. My kids are thriving. They have the love and support of me, my husband and our nanny -- three important adults in their lives.

BUT, I also think our lives as mothers are a series of phases. There's nothing that says once a WOHM always a WOHM (or SAHM or WAHM...). Things change, circumstances change, different kids dictate different responses. I think if we can all be flexible, it's good. I wish corporate America, at least, could be more flexible about letting women have more choices. Who knows what my work arrangements will be in 5 or 10 years? For now, though, it's good.

Whew. Anyway, that's what I think.

[Mir]

Julia, I pink puffy heart you.

Also? Go read http://www.tomatonation.com/youare.shtml because until I read that, I said I wasn't a feminist. I am and so are you (so there).

As for me, I've stayed home full-time, I've worked full-time, I've worked out of the house part-time, and I've worked from home. I'd say that all options had their merits and drawbacks (although we were all pretty miserable when I was working full-time out of the house, though I understand that's just our experience). My kids need different things at different times. I assume everyone else's kids need different things at different time. I would HOPE that everyone could figure out what works best for their family and be in a position to pursue that.

All of that said? There is no coincidence that kids like yours and mine banter like little adults. Having a stay-at-home parent is great, when it happens. If it's possible, having one that's well-educated is icing on the cake. And I dunno about you, but I look back on my engineering career and am hard-pressed to even consider the notion that software design was somehow more meaningful than raising my kids. Pfffft.

[kellie]

Hi there,

I'm in a unique position on this debate for a few reasons.

1. I'm Canadian and us Canucks get 1 year Mat leave (paid) which gives us a full year to be at home with our kids which is fabulous as we don't have to do the 7 or 12 week back to work decision.

2. My dh works in the government (federal) where a parent is able to take up to 5 years of paternity leave (unpaid) which he did after our youngest was born and stayed at home with our kids for 2.5 years.

3. I make a 6 figure salary which is hard to say no to, also I absolutely love my job and am passionate about the work that I do.

In saying all that I think that any decision (work, partime, at home, etc.) is individual to the parents situation and children. Our set-up works well, my children go to a great daycare center after school (for our oldest) and in the afternoon for my JK son. They love it, we love it, works well for us. When my husband or I was at home with them, that also worked great. Why? because no matter whether we work or stay at home we parent our children with positive reinforcement, love and attention and care.

I think there is no right answer about "how long should a child be cared for at home". I mean how long do you want to stay at home?, is Patrick happy, are you? is he thriving are you? does it work for YOUR family?

For me, at home was great, I loved it, but I missed my job, I did! I love what I do, I enjoy my work, the people the demands etc. I am compensated quite well for it, and that enables are family to do alot of xtra stuff (skiing, vacations, nice home etc.) We are happy, and so are the kidders.

My biggest beef in general is folks making sweeping statements (in articles or blogs etc.) about one choice being better than another. Having a degree (or several) does not a feminist make, or even a great employee, I think for you to be able to balance a demanding job and a family that is comfortable and happy with the set-up you have to be a master balancer and not every woman can do that... its time consuming, risky, frought with challenge, but I love it.

I do have a question though, two things that kind of bother me about the situations are.

1. where are the men? why aren't more men doing more to parent? Like I said my dh stayed home for 2.5 years and he was alone, women were suspicious and men couldn't understand it.

2.why don't American women, get passionate about maternity leave? Canadian women get 1 year off and its HUGE, its a great gift, its paid for (up to a certain amount, then topped up by employers to 80-100% usually) Why aren't women (WAHM, WOHM, SAHM etc.) fighting for the righ for women to have more than 6 or 12 weeks at home with their children?

[S]

When we're ready to start trying to have kids, I'll have a Phd in cancer research and my husband will have a masters in electrical engineering... We don't have a childcare plan, mainly because we don't have a child plan, but if it works out I'd like to stay home for infancy (maybe a year) and then hand it over to him. He is considering working from home, and is also better at pretending than I am, so it might work out. I'm good at babies. We do what we're best at around here :)

[bri]

I agree with Kellie the Canuck. American "maternity leave" sucks monkey butt. We really should be doing something about that. But I have this sneaking suspicion that it's not even as high up in the public consciousness as universal health care and we see how far that seems to be getting.

I can't get into this debate, either. No way in hell could we ever afford for me to stop working. If I ever manage to create a baby in this godforesaken womb, it will have a hodgepodge of babysitting options (mother-in-law, sister, friends) until it is ready for pre-K.

That said, the reason we can't afford for me to stay home is that we would never, ever leave New York City.

Everyone makes choices.

[Meredith]

My problem is with how this whole argument is framed: where are the fathers?? It boggles my mind to see how almost everyone frames this issue as a women's issue instead of a family/parenting issue. So few of the posters above even mention the possibility of their male partners staying at home or otherwise taking over any portion of the primary responsibility of parenthood and running a home. Kellie's comment hits the nail on the head: fathers need to get involved, and women need to fight for structural changes, including paid maternity AND paternity leave.

To me, feminism is about women AND men being able to be more fully human and have more options open to them. I do agree that there are lots of women out there who would feel stifled by completely leaving the paid workforce, at the same time that I know that raising children is the most wonderful thing I've ever gotten to do - and so I want women to have have both options. But I also want men to have both options, for two reasons. First, I feel that the traditional male role of working outside the home and leaving the domestic sphere to women leaves men out of some wonderful experiences and is emotionally stunting, and second because I don't think that the inequalities between the sexes in areas outside the home will ever be resolved until the domestic sphere is shared more equally. And given the way that men are socialized to expect not to be involved in this area, it's up to the women in their lives to make this expectation of them - at the very least by so doing they will raise boys who will have different expectations.

For what it's worth, I'm a physician married to another MD with two boys, 5 years and 18 months. I've been at home for the past half year, not so much because I didn't think daycare would be good for the younger one (he was there for a couple months while I was finishing my training, was at home with me/his dad/his grandma until he was 9 months, but once he started daycare he just loved it) but because I wanted that time with him for myself. I'm having a hard time dealing with the fact that I'm returning to work in a few weeks for more training, and I could totally picture staying home for years to come. My job is a wonderful one and I love taking care of patients, but everything pales in comparison to hanging out with these boys! But I don't want to keep that experience from my husband either, and I can see the ways he's gotten practically helpless at home since I started running the show. So he is going to take a half-time job when he finishes his training this summer and we will officially trade roles, with him taking primary responsibility for the home. Our eventual goal is to both work part-time when we're completely done our training and are no longer obliged to work crazy hours (we were both interns when the older one was 1, he was in full-time daycare and we had a live-in caregiver for mornings/evenings/weekends, yes it was crazy but no it didn't scar him at all).

[Becky]

Gosh, that's a lot of questions, but all good ones.

I do not have kids (yet). I do not identify myself with feminists (they believe in equality, I believe in the inherent genetic superiority of my sex), but you might as well consider me one anyways. I have an advanced degree and work a somewhat high powered job. I make considerably more than my husband, and will likely continue to do so throughout our lives. I also work longer hours than him, yet still do almost all the shopping, cooking and cleaning. In other words, I have no problem being a full time worker and a full time wife. Sure, it's difficult, but that's where the inherent genetic superiority comes in to aid me. I consider myself the head of our household, and my husband is perfectly happy with the arrangement.

I have no intention of staying at home with or without children until I retire. My husband has expressed the desire to be a "house-husband", which is fine with me, as long as he finds a way to make money from home as well. He's not getting out of having to provide for this family, and therein lies the crux. I believe that, in this day and age, two incomes are all but necessary for the rearing and education of offspring. I wouldn't let my husband get out of that and I wouldn't burden any man with having to provide for a family all by himself. The point is that, like my mom before me and my grandmother before her, I intend to be a full time worker and a full time wife/mother. I don't see why one would ever want to be just one or the other. And I take anyone thinking you can't do both well as a direct insult upon the mothering skills of these two wonderful women who raised me while having careers.

I have no problem with putting my kids in day care, after a certain age. I went to daycare for several years and I thoroughly enjoyed it. I made lots of friends. I also split my head open on a table while there and almost lost an eye. There are definitely good and bad aspects of day care, take it for what you will. I don't think I'd put an infant in day care. Luckily, that's what retired grandparents are for.

As for how long children need full time care, I'm not exactly sure what you mean. My answer would be: legally until their 18 (and longer in some cases). As for how long until they can take care of themselves without being watched 24-7, well, I started as a latch-key kid at the ripe old age of 8. I didn't kill myself. Mostly I watched the Dicovery Channel and Disney cartoons.

Finally, my views on highly educated SAHM's. Honestly? There's no wasted potential or whatever that author was trying to get at. Someone will happily take their place in the world. It's their loss of student loans.

[Shan]

Like Kellie, I'm also Canadian and currently enjoying my 1 year of maternity leave. I can't imagine having to go back to work after 12 weeks. My daughter was still getting up through the night at that point. When my year is up I will be returning to work out of necessity. I like my job, but I would certainly stay home if that was an option.

When I do return to work my older daughter will have started school (JK) and our youngest daughter will be either at home with her Grandma or with our fabulous sitter. She lives two doors down from my in-laws and is the same person who babysat my husband when he was a child so it's really like leaving them with family. My older daughter loved going there to be with our sitter and to play with the other kids. In fact she still goes to visit periodically, not as often as she'd like to go, but every couple of weeks I'll send her over for the day.

[Barbara]

I was a stay at home mom until my youngest was in 3rd grade. I just thought no one else could raise my children as well as I could. I have a career and I am proud of those accomplishments. I have a graduate degree. I worked as an ICU nurse and there are people alive today because of that. I'm a quality manager of a hospital now. But you know, my best accomplishment was raising two children to be happy and productive human beings. They are now 31 and 34 years old. The 34 year old is returning to work as a pre-school teacher in September, after staying home with her two children, who will be 4 and 6 soon. She will be teaching in the same school as her children attend and have the same school hours as the younger child. I know she hasn't regretted staying home with her children either. Every woman has to find their own path in life. We are all different. My way may not be my neighbor's way, but her way isn't wrong either.

[Barbara]

I was a stay at home mom until my youngest was in 3rd grade. I just thought no one else could raise my children as well as I could. I have a career and I am proud of those accomplishments. I have a graduate degree. I worked as an ICU nurse and there are people alive today because of that. I'm a quality manager of a hospital now. But you know, my best accomplishment was raising two children to be happy and productive human beings. They are now 31 and 34 years old. The 34 year old is returning to work as a pre-school teacher in September, after staying home with her two children, who will be 4 and 6 soon. She will be teaching in the same school as her children attend and have the same school hours as the younger child. I know she hasn't regretted staying home with her children either. Every woman has to find their own path in life. We are all different. My way may not be my neighbor's way, but her way isn't wrong either.

[JennyK]

I'm glad to see that someone else was able to read Hirshman without becoming shrill, picking sides, and going postal. I believe she has a point -- looking from an empirical viewpoint, without making a judgement about any INDIVIDUAL's choice, it does seem a bit of a *waste* of education for women with advanced degree to not be using them, especially if they have no plans to ever re-enter the workforce.

An overlooked part of her message is that this country needs to become more amenable to a family/work balance that allows people to both raise their children and contribute to society (and themselves) by working....without forcing people to try to "do it all."

The key here is balance. I'm one of the very lucky few who has children (2) AND somehow managed to continue my career (albeit part-time). I have a flexible employer and now I'm able to not only actively participate in rearing my kids, but I also get a chance to put all those years of book learnin' to good use!