The Agenda

Google will tell you to expect to start a new cycle within four to six weeks of a miscarriage. As much as it pains me to disagree with google I feel compelled to do so in this instance. I mean, sure, go ahead. Expect your period as much as you like. I expect a house-sitter to be able to keep my hanging baskets of verbena and bacopa alive for seven measly days. I am just not overly surprised when it does not happen, and nor should you be when your body is all screwed up for much longer than you feel it ought to be.

Six to nine weeks is more accurate, in my experience, regardless of whether I have had a D&C or not and (surprisingly) regardless of how far along the fetbryo was.   

This time it took just under seven weeks to get my period after the D&C. It arrived in the middle of the beach trip and I was thrilled. No, really. I always have this fear that one of these times something will go horribly wrong and I will be left without any options at all. So I was pleased and relieved to be back to normal in a relatively short amount of time. Besides, all I needed was one cycle and then... it is my great pleasure to introduce Reproductive Agenda 712. Pick up your copy of the presentation from the tables in the back, help yourself to some water and please be seated.

First, let me tell you what we are not doing.

1. We are not giving up. Having a miscarriage does not lessen your desire to have a child. Having ten miscarriages does not lessen your desire to have a child. All it can do is make you want to never miscarry again. It can hurt you enough or scare you enough that you decide to pursue other avenues rather than risk another pregnancy loss. But you don't stop wanting a child simply because you didn't have that one.

Me, I am not scared of having another miscarriage. I admit that for the first time ever, right after we got the bad CVS results in April, I wavered. It hurt so much to lose that possible baby that I thought I really did not want to feel that way again. I seriously imagined just... stopping. But it did not feel right, even in my imagination. We will most likely never have another child and I am sad about that likelihood. A vasectomy (for example, off the top of my head) would seal that likelihood and just contemplating it made me nauseous. Crossing off one of two possible courses (never try again) left only one: try again.

Which is not to say that this does not make me feel stupid, it does. I am sure you all have your own ideas about what you would do if you were in our position. I can only imagine what the staff at my OB's office says about me. I think we can all agree that eleven miscarriages would be ridiculous (as if, um, what? five through ten weren't rather absurd.) And yet... here we are.

2. We are not doing IVF with PGD, although we spent a lot of time talking about this one. If you ask a reproductive endocrinologist what can be done with a balanced translocation they will say: IVF with PGD. And If you prod them for other suggestions they will slap you with a surgical glove and ask what part of IVF with PGD did you not comprehend, maggot? My friend Julie (oh you know Julie. everyone does. whitish-pinkish blog? about this high?) cannot understand why we rejected this option. In fact, we got into an argument over it that I am ashamed to admit degenerated into a pillow fight with hair-pulling. And I do understand her point. Statistically, the best chance for avoiding further loss while maximizing the possibility of a viable pregnancy is through pre-selecting an embryo that does not carry the translocation.

But

I don't know.

We did PGD. Twice. And I miscarried. Twice. We did not do genetic testing on the second pregnancy but the first pregnancy most emphatically carried the unbalanced arrangement for which they had screened. It might be illogical but I no longer have a great deal of faith in this procedure. And, to be frank, a cycle with PGD cost us $19000. That's, like, a quarter of a car (hahahahahahaha. I'm kidding. more like a third.) It isn't worth it to me. And by "it" I mean the chance for success. I do not mean "it" as a child. Why, I'd willingly pay TWICE that much for a child.

3. We are not adopting and we are not using donor sperm. Just insert an enormous sigh here and picture me waving my hands in Steve's direction. "Steve was adopted," I repeat like an automaton, "and Steve attributes his implacable desire for biologically related children to this fact." And, hell, I don't know, maybe he is right. I do know that he feels very strongly about this and I do not like badgering him about it. Not that I respect his intrinsic humanity or his right to possess what I consider to be irrational emotions or anything, I am just lazy.

Which brings us to...

Reproductive Agenda 712

IUI with injectible gonadotropins targeting three to four follicles, starting in three weeks.

Huh? you say.

What? you ask.

How the fuck is that going to help? you query.

Well, here is my logic. Sooner or later we will conceive another normal embryo (see: Patrick; see also: putative PGD results.) Given enough pregnancies I firmly believe that we would prevail. However, each failed pregnancy takes 6 months from beginning to end and I am rapidly approaching a more advanced maternal age (I will be 35 in October, nosy) at which point we risk compounding our existing genetic problems with still more genetic problems. So I am feeling a little short on time here. The point of a superovulatory IUI cycle will be to deliberately conceive multiples with the hope that at least one will be genetically normal. Also, it is completely covered by insurance. I like to think of it as Trying Again On Our Own, Turbo.

I will take that appalled silence for approval, thank you.    

Any questions?

Comments

[Lisa S.]

Julia, it sounds like a plan to me. More power to ya. Baby dust and all that crap!!!

[Rayne of Terror]

Much luck and good wishes to you and your family.

[Kira]

No questions, no appalled silence, only two comments.
1 - "But you don't stop wanting a child simply because you didn't have that one." - This line made me weep.
2 - Best wishes.

[Lisa V]

As someone who stood in similar shoes (6 miscarriages, which I realize you could do with one hand, your eyes closed, and four fingers tied behind your back) I applaud your perseverance! Really don't give up. We didn't we have 4 children now. Some people think should have given up a child or two ago, but it has worked. When we were having miscarriages, I really did think if this is the worst that ever happens to me I am lucky. It was painful, awful, sad, but it is something you can move on from.

We adopted our first child, because unlike Steve, we knew our gene pool and thought it might be nice to look outside it. We were hoping for a kid that looked good in jeans and had remarkable math skills. We got one of them. We then magically birthed two daughters, with completely uneventful pregnancies. Then a baby fell out of the sky and being the wolves we are, we are raising him too.

My point? Yeah, for not giving up. You will have another child. It happens all sorts of weird ways, but it happens.

[Liz]

I weep when I read that you are not giving up. You give me hope. I'm on my 6th year of trying - also dealing with a b/t. PGD only gave me a chemical and the donor sperm talk. I've lost 4, and while it's incredibly difficult, I'm not done either. Good luck to you.

[Catherine]

"Which is not to say that this does not make me feel stupid, it does. I am sure you all have your own ideas about what you would do if you were in our position."

Having two stillbirths under my child-bearing belt, I can't even figure out what I will do in my own position. I will, however, wish you luck with whatever you do. I am inspired by your perspective and attitude...thank you for sharing it.

[Jessie]

I just wish you good luck and hope you have lots of fun on the way.

[cursingmama]

How about, in place of the appalled silence, I say a heartfealt good luck (as opposed to the sarcastic kind).

[mama without instructions]

i don't even know what half of that means or entails but i have a great fondness for you through the computer and wish you and your family the best of luck.

Good luck to you. I admire your perserverance, it is something I completely lack. After two miscarriages, we went right to adoption and ended up with three PERFECT little boys that share zero DNA in common with either of us. I'm sorry Steve has closed the door to this option for the both of you, it has been amazing for us. But, I would never want anyone to go into it without totally accepting that you are not "biologically" tied to your child. Again, good luck to you in the path that you have chosen. I'll pray that it leads you to a baby, you really sound like an amazing mom.

[Leggy]

No appalled silence here. We have different, but also complicated issues, so I can very much relate to "it may not make sense to you, but it works for us." And with all the debate in IVF-land/blogworld about the value of transferring more than one embryo, I think your logic makes sense (if you get pregnant with triplets, please God maybe one of them will be genetically normal.) Good luck to you.

[MP]

no appalled, no silence. Just a big cyber thumbs-up to wish you success with the new plan: TOOOT (Trying On Our Own Turbo. I think it makes perfect sense. So there.

[nate]

I can see where you might have to do some explaining about this: "Why, I'd willingly pay TWICE that much for a child." (But only, I hope, to people who don't know you and stumble upon your blog by accident.

And (in the dept of completely useless comments): 35? Almost 35? Why, you're practically a teenager!

...I can say this only b/c it hit me the other day that on my next birthday I'll be 39. And that's scarily close to 40. And OMG HOW did I get that old?!? (And did you know that pregancy after the age of 40 is considered "geriatric pregancy.") 35 seems like the days of yute to me now.

Good luck. Is this a good time for a "warp speed ahead" warning?

[Pamplemousse]

Yep, I almost briefly had one of those there geriatric pregnancies. You are still just a whippersnapper though I bet your knees are starting to go, huh? I give you a big thumbs-up and a round of "Rawhide". Giddy up, move along, etc.

[Sally]

Oh. My. God. I was SO TOTALLY wanting to do that, but They wouldn't let us do that! I'm serious. They said we might end up having to do selective reduction and "we don't want to get into that, do we?"
"Yeah, um...no?"

I can't wait - what great news and what a plan!

Concerning other happenings - what, after all our work, did you end up doing with the bed?

[Beth]

MP made me LOL, for real. Best of luck to you, Julia.

[Melani]

Sounds like a good plan to me. Who wouldn't want another Patrick?! I wish you the best of luck.

[Marsha]

Not appalled in the least, just excited for you...

[LMM]

I think maybe only those of us that have been there can really understand this, but this seems like a totally reasonable idea to me. Not once while I was reading this did I think, "Madness! Sheer Madness!".
Sounds like a great plan and all the best.

[kati]

the logic of your plan makes perfect sense to me. Good luck!

[Susan]

I think it is a perfectly reasonable plan.

Of course, I would have said that no matter what the plan because I have nothing but sheer respect for both you and your decision making!

Wishing you the very best of luck.

[Tonya]

Miscarriages are funny animals. They seem to affect everyone differently. Mine stung, and stung pretty badly, but even the worst of the bunch is now just a bleep on the radar. Of course, I was able to obtain that last baby and I understand completely that she almost makes those miscarriages totally worth it.

As always, I will be watching and cheering from the sidelines for Patrick's potential sibling.

[Duchess]

I am going to have to pass judgement on you....

I think you a rockin' strong woman,and I wish you the best of luck.

[Cathy]

Hi Julia,

Will there be a window of time to do selective reduction (if needed) after you get CVS results? Or will you just leave it all to run its own course?

Good Luck!

Cathy

[Paula]

In the words of one of my favorite characters from one of my favorite John Hughes movies:

"Applause, applause... Applause."

[Emily]

Oh, I agree! TOOOT away!

I wish you nothing but the best of luck with the upcoming cycle. Fingers are crossed!

[Mandy]

Good luck!

[Hoping]

4-6 weeks? ha! 11 weeks it was for me.

good luck with your plan!

[Shelly]

35?! You are still a baby! I had my youngest one when I was older than that...

if there is ANYONE in the world more deserving to have a child, I would like to meet them. I am sad and I do keep you in my prayers so you can have a good viable pregnancy with the outcome of a perfectly healthy child.

I have 4 boys now. I had a horrible ten year lull between my oldest and second. The BOOM! The fertility Gods sent 3 more to us. We lost one of our twins to the same birth defects that plagues our second. But despite it all, I would do it again in a heartbeat. I have my children. I pray for every woman who struggles with having children.

[Reese]

Good luck!

[Mir]

No questions, only profound admiration for your commitment to knowing yourself, your desires, and your limits. And honoring them despite what "they" (who do "they" think they are, anyway?) say.

I pray that you get what you need. (Because seriously? Enough already, no matter how fanfuckingtastic you are. I'd rather see you happy than stoic.)

[Meganann]

All you need is one embryo without the translocution. Here's hopin' it happens this time! Best of luck with IUI lottery.

[tsena]

I'm being appallingly silenced. Admittedly, I'm a novice in the reproductive world, having a child at the obscene age of 24, and never succeeding to repeat "the moment eternal" afterwards.

My silence, however, has nothing to do with technicalities and choice's correctness. It's triggered by your determination to have a child.

I'm keeping all my twelve fingers crossed and am bribing a Bulgarian village to chant the prayers- the atheists' ones.

My hat and courage goes to you.

tsena

[Mrs. B.]

The only part of your post that I am confident I understood was the part about the housesitter and the verbena. Nevertheless, I hope that all of this WORKS and will be sending good wishes from the other side of the Atlantic.

[Carla Hinkle]

Well, you might as well try something different, right? Sounds like a reasonable enough plan to me. PGD twice with bad results would steer me away from it, too, regardless of what the docs said.

Cheers to your determination, my dear.

[Jenn]

One of the biggest lessons infertility taught me is that you NEVER know what you will do until you are actually in a particular situation. Good luck with Reproductive Agenda 712.

[Jo in Boston]

I've got to come down on Steve's side here--as another adopted person I completely understand his desire to be biologically related to as many people in his life as possible. The fact that I was adopted had a huge effect on the decisions we made while we were trying for a child. I look at my son and finally see something of myself reflected back. Unimportant--sure, on some level, but unimportant because it's so totally taken for granted for most people. For me, it does add something because that something is lacking in my life.
Adoption is a wonderful option (hey, it worked for my parents) and I loved my parents dearly, but if I could change anything I would be their biological child. I hope I'm explaining this well.

[Jo in Boston]

Oh, I also meant to say good luck! All my appendages are crossed for you! (See, it's not all about me).

[Adrienne]

More power to you for pursuing the course that you and Steve feel good about (and that is covered by insurance! Healthcare is such a hassle in America...)

So once more into the breach and all of that good stuff. If Henry (is there a diminutive for Henry?) got France and Katherine, I feel that you should at least get a baby.

In all seriousness, I will be praying for you, and I rarely pray.

So no questions except for one...

How would you feel about triplets? :)

I mean, in theory it's possible, no?

[Kris]

I love the "turbo" description. Good luck to you. I'll be reading.

[Colleen]

You go girl!

All the best.

[Denise]

I'm loving the plan!!! I wish you the best of luck.

[Scheherazade]

Sounds like a plan.

(35?? Really??)

[susie]

As a fellow recurrent miscarrier, I think your plan sounds great. In fact, I'm fairly certain that will be our plan if we decide to try for a second one. (Because it was the same plan that got us the first one, finally.)

Good luck.

[meg]

Wishing and praying and hoping for all the best for your family. I really admire your strength. Really.

[Amy]

What I think really doesn't matter, now does it? What matters is that you are happy with this plan.

What also matters is that I wish you the best of luck.

P.S. 35? You're practically a teeny-bopper!

[Saartje]

How about an awed silence, instead? Best of luck. I, like so many others, will be watching from the wings.

[Yatima]

Just one question: how did you get to be SO AWESOME?

I hope you have flawless twins.

[anne nahm]

Wishing you the best :^)

[Georgia]

HabAb over here, too, though not quite the accomplished one you are...but IUI with injectibles was our plan too, for the same reason: more embryos=greater chance that one would be a good'un.
Best of luck to you!