Happy 5th Of July

You didn't even notice that I went to Ohio for a few days, did you? Well, no matter. I didn't notice it all that much myself.

Steve's very sweet grandmother is... I believe the genteel term is "failing", and we were urged to attend the annual family gathering, unless, of course, we were comfortable living with Regret, in which case, they hoped we would have an enjoyable holiday and, oh by the way, does Selfishville have fireworks? They were just wondering and thought we might know. Since we have missed three weddings, an 80th birthday, an 85th birthday, two retirements, a handful of graduations and many scattered christenings (what can I say? it just never seems like a convenient time to go to Cleveland. I lived there for a while you know. it's like my 'Nam) it appeared that we should probably go. And we did. And it was fine.

After 4 hours swimming in the same pool with wonderful, encouraging, 10 year-old second-cousin Kyle, Patrick was able to jump in the deep-end and motor across the length of the pool, kept buoyant by nothing more than a couple of arm floaties and an enormous case of hero worship. Five "Great Job, Patricks" and three "You're swimming, Patrick! You're swimming!s" from a Big Kid accomplished roughly a billion times more than 8 months of private lessons at the Y.      

Meanwhile, I drank wine and picked at weird salads and kept my eyes peeled for the pregnant people. See? You think I am strong and resilient and noble (oh yes you do!) and yet I actually dove head-first into a gazebo (taking the entire bottle of wine with me, may I add) when my pregnant sister-in-law-mother-of-a-one-year-old suddenly turned a corner of the house saying, "They tell you that you will delight in your child, of course, but that nothing will compare to the joy of watching your children make each other laugh... ." I thought bitter thoughts and contemplated how pleasant the gazebo must be when the honeysuckle is in bloom.

Oh, man. As long as I am confessing to this sort of behavior I did the most MORTIFYING thing yesterday. We came back from Ohio in time for our town parade and then went to a barbecue afterwards. I wound up making small talk about baby equipment with a woman I had just met (who was obviously pregnant) after making small talk about baby equipment with Margarita Neighbor (hey! did I tell you that Margarita Neighbor is expecting? due at the end of October? well she is) and I started feeling a little panicky. Like maybe I had died and my Sartrien hotel was going to be an endless series of conversations in which I am forced to give my opinion about whether one should buy a bouncy seat AND a swing, or just the swing.

So this woman went on about their impending consumerhood and then asked, "And you have the one child?"

I said, "Yes."

She said, "And are you going to have any more?"

And I... god this is SO EMBARRASSING and I SWEAR I have never ever done this to anyone before but for some reason I...

I said, "It doesn't work for us very well" in this awful stilted tone and then I realized I was about to cry, so I abruptly said, "I have to go check on my son" and I actually RAN away from them. I am blushing as I write this.

OK, I suppose the actual words don't sound all that bad but it was really really awkward, what with my gasping for air and the voice like broken glass. I have fielded that question particular just fine about a thousand times (Bright smile and "We'd like to!") but for some reason I just went down in flames yesterday. Oh well. I'm still embarrassed.

Finally, our beautiful neurotic cat has a bladder infection. There are a few ways you can figure out that your feline is suffering from urinary distress but perhaps the most obvious is when he starts peeing on the carpet directly in front of the television as you try to decide if you can possibly struggle through one more episode of SG-1 because you have heard it is good but the first season is hurting you, really hurting you. First, Steve and I fought over whether the cat was being "spirited" or was trying to tell us he was ill. I won (the winner got to take the cat to the vet this morning). Then we argued about whether this was a first offense or not. Steve lost (the loser got to escort a restoration cleaning guy through the basement with a blacklight searching for evidence of biohazards because the winner was at the vet). According to the blacklight our basement has either been the scene of multiple elf homicides or the poor cat has been attempting to relieve himself in small quantities all over the carpet for some time. Bastard. I mean, poor sick bastard.

I am quite certain we spent over $1200 in relation to this cat in the past ten hours. And yet I am not even convinced that he likes us. Isn't that odd?   

Comments

[Lena]

I once paid $3000 to have tiny bits of thread extracted from my cat's intestines after he ATE it from the floor while I made my wedding dress.

He hugged me after though. Really he did.

[terri c]

We missed you. All of us in the computer. We are glad you are back. Go Patrick!!! And, please don't be embarrassed about your reaction to the expectant consumer--I can remember being heartsick on a daily basis when a coworker had baby #1 and I wasn't as good at coping. I just ate. Lots.

[daysgoby]

Strong, resiliant and noble? Yes.
But you don't have to be all the time, you know.

Seems to me you did well.

[Kate]

My sister spent $600 having her family's pet guinea pig operated on. We sat on Palm Beach (Sydney) whilst she made 5 minute calls to the vet to check its progress. It still died.

So why should you be brave and cheery all the time? I can't see any reason to be embarrased. I think after so many attempts you are allowed a bit of bottom lip quivering every now and then.

[LetterB]

Oh my god - i can just see copernicus or what ever his name is on CSI:Miami turning towards the camera over tiny elf splotches and saying, "Cat piss? Or muuurder?" (Cue Roger Daltry scream). And Cleveland = your 'Nam - brilliant. (Cincinnati just happens to be mine. Yeah, I was in the sh*t).

Sometimes resilience is for the birds. Going down in flames is heroic. You deserve a freaking medal for your grace under fire so far. I wish they made them so people (kind folks im sure) would know when to stick to talking about the weather.

[lisa mae]

Comfort yourself with the knowledge that she will have assumed Steve is impotent...

[Lisa]

Over the last week we've spent over $1000 with one cat who was diagnosed with Irritable Bowel Disease (yes, I'm serious) and the other one who decided that vomiting for 3 days straight was a great idea, and adding blood into it on a Sunday was even a better idea so we had to take her to the emergency vet. Cha-ching!!!!

[Sandy]

O.M.G....I just about shit myself.."Bastard. I mean, poor sick bastard." I HAVE BEEN THERE! I have 5 cats, and sometimes I wonder where my sanity was when I decided it would be a good idea to bring them home.

And multiple elf homicides? I believe it. Ever seen those commercials for the traveling gnomes? Totally justifiable.

As for the other, sometimes our emotions get the best of us. But you did good. I think anyway...

[Coral]

I am sorry for you about your 'lack of composure'. You shouldn't feel embarrassed about it. You have a right to be upset. The people who were with you probably explained to the poor woman. Look past the moment. hugs
Coral

[Pamplemousse]

Well, it was either that or kick the woman! What a dilemma.

[anja]

It's crowded here in the computer but we like it.
The advantage of going down in flames (apart from being herioc and I think you are) is that the woman you talked to will never bring up the topic again.

[Miz S]

Mmmm...eau de cat piss. Nothing like it.

[Flicka]

I may just be a bitch but IMHO, going down in flames like that seems like a great option. That way word gets around and no one asks you painful questions. I like to look the person interrogating me in the eye and say "We've been trying for a long time; it's just not working out that well for us." And keep eye contact until they look away, embarassed. I'm not embarassed to be infertile and if the person to whom I am speaking is, well, I know they won't be asking me any sort of questions any time soon. Or at the very least they'll grow some manners before they do.

So sorry about the cat! Hope she feels better soon.

[Emily Drew]

I'm sorry for your discomfort, but you are allowed, you know. It's rather difficult for you and breaking down in front of people happens all the time. I do it all the time...my friends are actually used to me just emoting randomly...

But anyway, yea to Patrick for the swimming!!!

I'm glad you're back; I missed you.

[bec 36]

There's no way you could answer THAT question with a smile every time. I do like your stock answer, though. At least she didn't ask you whether you were planning to "try for a girl." If I had a nickel....

bec :D

[Mir]

Elf homicide.

On your worst day you've still got it, girl. ;)

[Cat, Galloping]

Crazy used to get bladder infections all the time. It's because of him that we had to switch to prescription food that made Hippo so damned fat. Then we switched to prescription diet food and Crazy lost a bunch of weight while Hippo got just the tiniest bit fatter. Crazy no longer has bladder infections, but that does not stop him from occasionally peeing in the shower (not a big deal) or, say, down the heating vent (a Very Big Deal). Anyway. I will just say that Nature's Miracle lives up to its name. We should buy stock in that company.

[Marsha]

"impending consumerhood"

Genius.

For what it's worth (exactly nothing, of course, but I mean well) I don't think you were especially mortifying. Don't be overly embarrassed - we all come up against stuff that makes our brains freeze and hearts stop. Mine are "Do you think you might ever get to know what it's like to be thin?" (Christmas, 1998) and "How nice that your husband is able to see the pretty girl inside you." (Birthday, 2002). In neither of these cases was I quite as civil as you managed to be while also getting the point across that the line of questioning was really unkind.

[wealhtheow]

I think you acted pretty appropriately. When people ask dumbass questions like that, they should be prepared to get some honesty.

Also, SG-1? It does get much better, but now, with season 10 about to start, it looks like it's petering out. But seasons 2-7 are really good. Just wait for the Asgards. God, I am such a scifi dork I embarass myself.

[Leggy]

I hate that question. Or better yet: "is he an ONLY?" Ugh! I'm sorry it upset you- I think its hard to always be perky and upbeat about it, even to relative strangers, particularly the longer it (SIF) drags on.

[Kary]

I am coming out of the closet of lurking. I think you handled the question VERY well about wanting to have another. Not that it is their business, but the assumption is if you can have one, you can BANG! have another and another and another...just like that! I think you were honest and real. Maybe it'll teach them that it can be a sensitive subject for some. Or maybe they will continue to be clueless as to other people's fertility and continue to ask such questions. Either way, you were honest.

[Sally]

Julia (and Cat,Galloping), that was so funny *I* just pee'd on the carpet!

And maybe it's not so bad, the whole "it doesn't work for us very well" thing. It could have been taken by her that maybe you just don't care for Patrick all that much! Matter of fact, that sounds like a fun way to get around that question in the future! Either way, you can almost be sure you'll never be asked anything about children. Ever. Again.

[Amber]

As a fellow mom that is desperate to have a second child, I feel your pain. my son will be 3 mext month, and I find myself searching for families where the kids are now 4 years apart. I started this hobby when they would have been 1 year apart...and here I still am. No thanks to 8 fresh IVF's and 2 FET's...pathetic. Nah, maybe determined is a better word.

glad you are back. I wish you posted every morning, afternoon & evening...maybe that would be a bit too much though. hmmm.

[DJ]

Ah yes, that sweet laughter among siblings. That's why half a million parents out there are saying, "If you kids don't quit making each other laugh joyfully in the fleeting innocence of childhood, I'm going to pull this car over by the side of the road and you won't like what happens next."

[Melissa]

Yes, the cat bladder fun. I'm so sorry.

I damn near live-blogged his illness since it was my baby cat (he's 2) who I hand-reared and who also sleeps with me. This is normal, yes?

As for composure? Highly overrated.

[Just Linda]

Oh, sweetie. Yes, I know you are an intelligent, mature, articulate woman who knows her own mind, but I still kind of want to push your head down onto my shoulder, tuck your hair behind your ear, and say "Now, now, dear. You just have a good cry. Linda understands." I don't, really, how could I? But I have buckets, no - SILOS - of empathy and DAMMIT it just isn't fair at ALL.

Me? I'm amazed at your ability to wear the happy smile as much as you do. I'd be all "If I'm goin' down, I'm takin' ALL-Y'ALL with me!" and dragging everyone into my private abyss. You're a role model, a BEACON.

And I am the captain of your cheering squad.

And I probably just said TEN wrong things 'cause I never know WHAT to say and yet I can't seem to stop talking. Ever.

[Ruth]

Don't worry about your conversation with the Consumer ... as someone upthread noted, at least you won't have to field that (very personal and impertinent) question from HER again.

We spent $6K on our dog over a 10-month period a few years ago ... the dummy A) fell down the stairs and twisted his colon 180 degrees and then B) ate a sock that got stuck in his duodenum. At least he fawns over us appropriately (although he's a Lab, so he loves everybody).

[Chickenpig]

Your picnic sounds like every picnic thrown by my husband's work group. The guys would huddle around drinking and talking about work, while the wives seemed to be everywhere else. They were all pregnant, or had young ones AND pregnant...or had school age kids...or grandkids. I just remember dodging conversations from room to room, holding back tears half the time, and realizing there was whole spectrum of experiences I would probably never be able to appreciate. Thankfully, I was wrong :) and I think you handled it far better than I ever did.

I hope you do get to experience Patrick making a sibling laugh, but in the meantime if it's any consolation having my two babies make each other laugh only MARGINALLY makes up for them both screaming at the top of their lungs at 3 am, or wacking each other in the head with their toys, or having one cry piteously as I try and comfort, change, or feed the other.

Also, SG-1 is NOT good, no matter what the critics say. I myself boycott the SciFi channel for cancelling Farscape prematurely.

Best of luck with the cat.

[LMM]

I say good for you. I hope she learned her lesson and won't ask such questions of anyone ever again. I mean, I'm sorry it was so painful for you and I wish you hadn't had to deal with the situation at all, but you kinda took one for the team. Especially since I live in the TC and was probably destined to be questioned by her myself one day.

On a related note, I was at a birthday party for my niece not long ago and the BFF of my hyper-fertile SIL (no kidding, 4 kids under the age of 7 thank you very much) asked in front of a roomful of people when we were going to "get with it already". I barely know this woman. I looked her square in the face and said, again in front of everyone, "Well, we've had three miscarriages in the last year. The most recent being less than a month ago. But thanks so much for asking - anything else you'd like to know?"
Her red, sputtering face was really prize enough, but hubby did buy me ice cream on the way home.

[JennyK]

I'm sorry for *you* that you had to go through that, but I'm half thankful that you had a real, honest reaction in response to someone's query. I think so many (fertile)people don't understand how many infertiles there are because no one ever talks about it.

Maybe this woman will think twice before asking another relative stranger something so personal the next time....? Maybe she'll have a bit more appreciation for her good fortune at not having any trouble conceiving?

Oh well, we can hope, right?

[Kel]

LMM, your answer rocks. Julia- you get to say anything you can say out loud with no after-cringing allowed.

Why shouldn't that be the answer? The truth and nothing but the truth. Because its too personal? I'm afraid if I'd been the consumer to be, I would have understood your comment to be that Patrick/motherhood wasn't what you'd hoped it would be. Gack.

I don't think the answer has to be clever. "We are experiencing infertility, so that is not something that's easy for me to talk about." Only a dolt would respond with anything but, "I sorry." Will there be dolts? Of course. But they won't say anything that someone who doesn't know the situation is saying anyway. Then you can be secure in your opinion they are indeed an idiot, not just someone who doesn't have a clue (or both).

Why does infertility need to be a secret? I know, because its personal and complicated and when you start down that conversational path you cross boundaries that you'd like to keep private or just not share with the woman you just met two minutes ago at the garden party. But secrets or things "that can't be spoken of" have unusual power. A closet of any kind is a bad place to be. Perhaps the trick is to find your verbal comfort level about the topic.

And as the spouse of a vet (who paid for vet school), I can only say with all my heart, "THANK YOU ALL..."

[spit]

I don't think you should be embarrassed. Nosey person you just met should be embarrassed!

[sinda]

Hey - I just learned of this blacklight trick TODAY from MY carpet guy who also told me to draw chalk outlines around the stains so I could be sure to treat them all. Little chalk outlines left marking the urine corpses.

AND my husband is in Ohio. Near Cleveland.

We're like Ohio Urine soulmates.

[sinda]

BTW - reading your blog, and Julie's, has made me far more aware and less likely to ask questions like that. Just like I don't ask a woman with a "bump" - are you pregnant? or so, when are you due?, I NEVER ask anyone I don't know if they're planning on having one or more children.

[JuliaKB]

As the first infertile in our group of friends, I ended up doing that to a friend of ours at another friend's baby shower. The friend who asked and got the answer says that she learned from that that people have issues and she now never brings the topic up. She says it was good for her to hear it from me, as she is now not likely to do this to anyone else.

Also, Cleveland? My daughter was in Cleveland last week. Yup, that's where my parents are. I love them, but much prefer when they come here than when we have to shlep there. Which we have to do later this month... Cleveland is not my idea of a fun place to go. My 'Nam though is much closer-- same metropolitan area as us, actually. I am talking, of course, about where my MIL lives... :(

[Judy]

See that's what you get for leaving the house and trying to be friendly. You could learn something from the neurotic cat that hides in the closet. Man I wish someone would spend $1,200 on me for peeing on the rug.

And, seeing the inlaws 2x in 1 month, what are you fucking crazy! The last bout with your MIL earned you at least a year hiatus from them. All that said I'm glad Patrick had a nice time.

[Jen A]

OMG, I almost peed my pants, I was laughing so hard at "multiple elf homicides."

[Occidental Girl]

It made me laugh when I read: "Finally, our cat has a urinary infection." I get that you are introducing your last topic, but it sounds like you've been waiting for the cat to develop this affliction and it finally happened. :D

I really enjoyed reading about your cat, the poor sick bastard. I have a couple of sweet, old bastards that like me well enough but know they are above my station in life. After all, I scoop up their excrement and liquid waste. They win.

[chris]

To the question of "Are you going to have anymore" I like to respond "Do you think I should? I've had seven miscarriages already."

[Lisa P]

Oh, Julia! Embarassed? No. You shouldn't feel embarassed. You reacted in a perfectly normal way.

Good grief.

Stupid woman.

And cats? We have two, currently. UGH! That's all I have to say.

[LMM]

Chris - HA! That'll teach 'em. :)

[Nancy]

God, you make me laugh.

Resiliant and strong and noble, check and double check. But even having, as you do, all those qualities in spades doesn't mean you are barred from having some serious emotion bubble up unbidden from time to time. She was tactless; you were genuine.

[Heather]

I really hope things work out in the kid department. Sounds like your first one is adorable, and all I can do is cross my fingers that a second will come around for you. I can imagine it's pretty heart breaking.

Oh and spending that much on a cat? No, not odd, just loving and thoughtful of you.

[Michelle]

Don't feel bad about your reaction to that question. It hits us sometimes when we're not ready or prepared. Hopefully she learns not to pry into other people's business.

One of our cats has IBD (Crohn's), and we spent about $6k fixing her up last year at the emergency vet. And we had to take our dog to the vet a couple of weeks ago because (no joke) her tail stopped wagging. The things we do for our animals.

[patricia]

I think you are an infinitely stronger woman than I am. I can't tell you how many times I have answered the "Are you going to have more" question with a non-resentful but very blunt reference to my miscarriages. Something like "after (insert # of miscarriages) probably not." Because I just don't have the strength of character not to blurt it out.

I'm sorry though. That really blows.

[grumpygirl]

a few months ago i spent $512 getting my cat's teeth cleaned... and i have no job. (but her breath was super stinky and she needed 3 teeth extracted.) she came home high as a kite and mean as hell.

as for margarita lady, i hope she felt like shit for asking you that question. anyone with half a brain wouldn't ask...moron

[sozzled]

$875 cat enema nearly resulted in a divorce at our house not long ago.

[marion]

Your answer was just fine. People who go around asking people who they barely know about childbearing plans should expect to get a few upset answers of the "it doesn't work for us very well" nature. In fact, people who ask nosy questions in general often need to hear something like that in order to understand why they're such a bad idea.

My rule of discussing fertility issues, generally, is that if you know the person well enough to ask, then you generally know if they wants kids or not, and if they do, about how many. While this is not exclusively true, I think it's a pretty good rule of thumb. Had this woman followed it, she wouldn't have asked you about your childbearing plans. Sigh.

[Cris]

Missed you! I agree with the above sentiments - taught her a much needed lesson. It isn't meaness, but people are so thoughtless. My response to the seemingly endless conversations around me on when people are planning their next babies and how many they will have, has become a wry, "Must be nice to be naive enough to think you control your own fertility."

As mentioned before, my husband also has a balanced translocation. We'd always had early miscarriages and then the one perfect little girl. I got pregnant a month or two before you did this last time and was so pulling for you and that pregnancy. We've just found out that this baby, due in about a month, has an unbalanced translocation and will be mentally and physically disabled. Everyday I get people asking "How's the baby?" - I'm close to a few stilted answers and having to run away quickly myself.

Keep on writing - I don't know what I would have done the past couple of years without you!

[Jujubee]

I am married to a certified geek who has been trying to get me into scifi shows for years. I hated them all. Until... Battlestar Galactica. Scifi with actual character depth and development. What a novel idea.

"Multiple elf homicides" made me chuckle. But for some sick reason "attempting to relieve himself in small quantities" really made me laugh. Is that sick?