Natural Born Buyer

Patrick and I went to the Land's End store the other day to return my internet-ordered, ludicrously sized petite pajamas. I was so excited to see that Land's End has brought back petite pajama bottoms (a void, a veritable void exists in the market for normal cotton pajama pants, size Short Legs. and you cannot just buy normal length and wing it unless you want to expend your energy hauling up your pajamas at the knees every time you go upstairs, a la Scarlett O'Hara minus the hoopskirt) that I ordered about fifty pairs in different colors, size medium. Now, I am as big a fan of vanity sizing as the next addle-pated Delilah but if those pants were anything other than SuperJumbo I'll eat my back switch. Thus the trip to the store to facilitate an exchange.

Land's End has a special little area just for catalog returns and that is where Patrick and I headed. And proceeded to cool our heels for ten minutes while we waited for someone to help us. I contemplated buying a plaid handled tote bag inscribed "Marisa" (neither my name nor my style but $10! which reminds me of a story: when I first started dating Steve he had two bath towels in his bathroom, a pink one and a blue one. The blue one had Jacqueline embroidered on it and the pink one was for Laura. Although I knew I wasn't Steve's first [several dozen] I was a bit miffed that he was so callous as to flaunt the loves and linen that had come before. I never mentioned it, though, preferring instead to downgrade those towels from Shower-Ready to Cat Vomit cloths, but they stung. Years [years] later I learned that his parents had given everyone monogrammed rejects one Christmas. Upon learning this fact I girlishly confessed my initial jealousy to Steve, who promptly told me, "No no, you were right. We got to pick and I took those two because I had once slept with a Jackie and a Laura." and then he looked all misty. because he's sentimental like that, you see.) 

So I was contemplating the discounted merchandise while Patrick milled around. Suddenly he announced, "I need to give myself a break, Mommy."

"Um, ok," I said.

He sat down in an armchair.

"Mommy? I need to grab a cup of coffee."

"What?" I said, meaning "what the fuck" but keeping it clean. "No, you don't. You wouldn't like coffee even if you were allowed to drink it which you are not because it is too hot and caffeine will stunt your growth."

He sat there.

"Mommy I can call in a callaga order as comumbly as from my own home."

At which point I realized he was reading the sign on the wall that urged: "Give yourself a break. Grab a cup of coffee. Call in a catalog order as comfortably as from your own home." 

Patrick has discovered the imperative tense and it is working him like a barbecued rib. As we left the store he told me that he needed to save. UP TO 65%.

Last week I decided I could either have morning sickness or be a creative dynamic parent. Since I learned that Zofran works when I take it every 8 hours BUT my insurance company will only pay for 9 tablets every 30 days (thaaaaaaaaaaaaanks. so I said to the nice pharmacist "Oh very well. I'll just pay for it then. How much is it anyway?" The nine tablets I got before, covered by insurance, were just under $4 total. The pharmacist looked it up. "$100," she said. "For how many?" I asked. "One." Oh.) They gave me Reglan instead but eh. Just not the same. So I stagger along every day and at 2:30 Patrick and I go curl up under a quilt in the basement and watch Sagwa and James the Cat together. Supposedly PBS Sprouts is a PBS cable channel but... remind me, wasn't the thing about public television the lack of commercials?

Since we have instituted Patrick's first taste of actual non-DVD'd broadcasting he has made the following announcements:

To my mother: "Hooked on Phonics will help me teach my child to read. And it is only available at Walmart."

To Steve: "I need to call the scooter store and get back my mobility back... TODAY."

And, this afternoon, urgently,

"Mommy! Mommy! In just one month I can go from a size 10 to a size 4!"

"Patrick my treasure, you ARE a size 4."

"Oh," he said, "nevermind then. But Mommy? Nutrisystem lets me eat chocolate every day."

I don't know what we are going to do with him. One of these days he is going to realize that he knows how to use the phone and we'll really be screwed.

Not much else going on. CVS is scheduled for two weeks from today (how is that even possible), but I have another ultrasound on Friday to see if there is any point. I had some spotting again yesterday. Brown, brief- still disconcerting but I am no longer freaked out by it. They didn't see any bleeding on the last ultrasound so... I don't know. I keep getting Leonard Cohen's Who By Fire stuck in my head: "who in her lonely slip, who by barbiturate/ who in these realms of love, who by something blunt." In this context I can only assume my morbid subconscious is pointing out that there is the greatest of likelihoods that I will lose this pregnancy one way or another, so stressing about dire anonymous messages from my nethers is just a waste of time. Why worry?

Tra la la.

Comments

[Christine]

Patrick is my favorite.

Also, at the age of four I informed my mother that we needed to call a number (which I had written out for her) so that we could purchase condoms. I'm sure she was horrified but she let it roll. Later on the infomercial aired, and I told them all, "See, look! Condoms!" Only really? It was an informercial for condos. Not nearly as exciting.

[Jill]

I'm first?! Damn! Better type fast...
This is nothing that hasn't been said before, but your Patrick stories are delightful and always put a smile on my face. Hope you don't mind if I cyberpinch his little cheeks. I hope your subconscious pipes down a speck.

[Rosetta]

pulling for you,Steve,Patrick, and #12............

[CaraH]

Aaah, they are too clever. When Liah was younger, she used to question my knowledge of the fact that "our toilet bowl brush has millions of germs". Apparently, the good folds at Clorox really know how to market toilet wands to the five-year-old set.

Good luck, Julia. Rooting for you, as always.

[CaraH]

Folks. Folks at Clorox. Not folds. Sigh. I think it may be bedtime.

[Christine]

So after Steve fessed up about the towels, did you bite him?

Awaiting Friday's results, anxiously (and hopefully).

[S]

LL Bean and Eddie Bauer are also somewhat generous with their sizes, but still nothing like Lands End.

Good luck.

[Waya]

That was so funny about your son and "65% off". I can picture him being so serious and everything. Good luck Julia!! I'm sending you positive vibes through this laptop.

[Mir]

Why didn't I think about being as comumbly as in my own home, last time I was at the store? Patrick is smarter than me. (This comes as a surprise to no one.)

[Leggy]

Funny story about the towels. One time my son was in a grocery store and said "Teddy Grahams are good because they support PBS kids." Nothing like advertising.
Good luck with the ultrasound & CVS. I really hope this is the one for you.

[Amanda]

Zofran - my bestest friend. This pregnancy is kicking my rear, nausea wise, and while I was reluctant to take it, I am so glad I discovered it. What a wonderful, fabulous drug. Insurance sucks. Don't get me started there. I could go on all day. Best of luck, and I hope the nausea subsides soon. I was fortunate enough to avoid it until week 13, and am still dealing with it intermittently at nearly 18 weeks, so go figure.

[minni]

Great! Another Patrick Story! Love it!

I am on zofran too. I was taking one pill (8 mg)/day but getting sick after the 8hr period, and my dr suggested taking 1/2 a pill (4mg) in the morning and the other 1/2 in the evening... stretches it out a bit and helps alleviate nausea a little longer. Maybe you could try that? Good luck!

[Sheila]

So THAT'S why I fit in a size 12 swim suit! I thought it was the miracle of that faille fabric. You have now officially burst my bubble. However, you have also made me snort a little with laughter so I will forgive you. And the nausea? I'm sure Patrick will come up with something. Just let him watch Discovery Health Channel for about 15 minutes. Hoping for good news for you this week.

[dianalyzer]

Thanks for the blog, Julia. I keep checking for updates & am hoping good things for this pregnancy. I love your writing & adore your Patrick stories. Thanks!

[Melina]

Stories about Patrick clarify why I hurt, ache, weep to have a child. And then I worry that what I really want is a Patrick and if I ever got pregnant and if that pregnancy ended in a child, I'd still want a Patrick....

[wix]

mmm, love that song. the coil version is the one i like best.

patrick rules.

[Sandy]

Patrick is the coolest child e.v.e.r...love to hear about him.

Still crossing everything for you...

[Laura K.]

OMG...how can you stand it with a kid that hilarious?! :)

Good luck on your u/s. Here's hoping your subconcious is all screwed up from the reglan and just talking trash.

[christina]

No. No. No. My dear. POSITIVE THINKING has so much power. And I'm sure that sounds like such crap from some random stranger who has not been through your horrific ordeal.But still. Don't resign yourself yet to a sad fate--your subconscious is just trying to get attention. :)

[Kathleen]

"POSITIVE THINKING has so much power..."

Hahahahaha! I needed a good, bitter laugh tonight and I got it.

Patrick is a doll. My son also used to "sell" to people. Luckily, most strangers were good sports about being told that the vacuum they currently using is leaving behind enough hair to make a whole new pet.

[susan (formerly of post-coital babble)]

Ok, here's the deal see: hand over the kid or the bunnie gets it. (luv me some South Park)

Of course I'll change his name - something like Calvin - and give him a stuffed tiger named, of course, Hobbes.

He'll be famous.

Trust me.

Just don't let him make snow men. :o)

http://www.angelfire.com/wa/zzaran/calvin.html

Good luck or break a leg on that U/S on Friday. Whatever's better.

[Heather B.]

I think that I would like a Patrick of my very own. ;)

[Nicolle]

Patrick and the letters should totally meet my Julia and the numbers. She has actually taken the step of learning the alphabet numerically, and sings it: A is for apple and is #1, B is for bear and is #2, etc. She tells people their names in numbers. (?)
Does he have a favorite letter? I know he loves all but is there one that takes the cake? For Julia it is the no.4.
I'm sooo moving to Minnesota.

[gkk]

The Patrick stories always make me laugh out loud, he sounds totally divine. I hear you on the Zofran - here in Oz it isn't covered unless you're on chemo and so sells at around $12 a pill. Even at that price I BEGGED my Ob for a script last week but she refused until I hit 16w (I have m/s of the 9 months variety normally). If your m/s backs off you can always make a packet selling your 9 a month allotment to me :-)

[Beret]

I'm laughing. Last month my just-turned-five-year old daughter asked my MIL "Grammy, has Pop ever considered going on Nutrisystem? He can have 7 delicious meals delivered right to his door and he can go from a size 10 to a size 4 in 2 months! Any diet that lets him eat chocolate everyday is a diet for him!" FIL is a bit big in the belly...

[Chickenpig]

Patrick is hilarious...and you'de better hide the phone. It won't be long before he's ordering up some Nutasystem and calling the psychic hotline.

I'm still betting that the spotting you're having is from your cervix. If they aren't seeing it on ultrasound that is probably where it's coming from. You can have them swab it to confirm it, but it won't feel great, and it will make you bleed more. It is reassuring to know it isn't baby related, though.

[lisa]

i LOVE patrick. hilarious!

[marian]

I love Patrick. This post made me remember those long-gone days when my son believed commercials and would come running to me with the big news. Hang in. Still rooting for twelve.

[Lucy]

One thought about the Zofran ... I'm an oncology nurse and give this drug all the time. The insurance companies are notoriously stingy bastards when it comes to doling out the goods. I have to make at least 3 calls a week to insurance companies to get them to give the patient the amount of drug we prescribed.

So if you haven't done this, call your nurse, tell them that you're not able to get the full amount of drug, and ask them to call the insurance company and rattle the cage. Usually that's enough to get them to approve the amount you need.

[Kay]

I have some leftover Zofran from my pregnancy, I think. If it's not expired, I will send it to you. Please email me if you want it.

ALSO - I made my doctor change the way he wrote the scrip, so that instead of me paying $50 for 20 pills, I was paying $50 for 56 pills. Could you try that?

[Amber]

That kid cracks me up. Seriously, I would just follow him around all day waiting for the next revelation. So much fun!

Hoping for the best for this pregnancy, and praying that all ends perfectly.

[lorrie]

The towels. Oh God. That is just priceless!!!

[katie]

Patrick reminds me of that 6ht grade joke...Some kids find a $20 dollar bill and are trying to decide what to buy with it, and the punchline is that the last kid says "we could by a box of tampons!" "why? what do they do?" the other kids ask. he says "i don't know, but we could go swimming and horseback riding and..."

And I too have been tempted by the random named bags at the L.L.Bean store :)

[Emmie (Better Make It A Double)]

Oh man, I went through the same thing with Zofran while I was pregnant with my twins. You shouldn't have to put up with that - it's just a little gate the insurance company puts up because they hope you'll stop asking. Usually all you have to do is get your doctor's nurse to call the insurance company and negotiate a more reasonable amount. I was sick the whole pregnancy, and the Zofran never stopped working, BTW. The funny thing was, when I was in the hospital (in antepartum on bedrest) I never had any trouble getting Zofran. They just hand out drugs like candy there, and the insurance company never challenged anything. The only problem was they wouldn't let me have it bedside, and so I'd puke before the nurse could get to me. I just asked for 1 when I didn't need it ocasionally, and hid it. I wish I still had some to give you - I looked! All I found was 2.5 year old progesterone suppositories and lupron syringes, and I doubt you need those...Good luck with the ultrasound.

[nate]

I'm catching up on past posts after 2.5 weeks away. So glad things are going well!

But wtf with the childhood screening? I really, really, hope his actual teachers aren't like that--it seems to me that her whole goal was to get him to follow orders, and too bad for him if he has his own ways of doing things...

My cousin, who lives in Shoreview (not too far from you, I think), took a workshop this summer on parenting gifted children. If you're interested in it I can find out more and let you know. Her kids are 12 and 8, but my impression was that it was aimed toward parents of kids of all ages.

Now off to filter through about 800 emails...

[KellyH]

There is no shortage of women out here who are hoping to become Patrick's mother-in-law one day, me included!

My 3 year old would occasionally remark that "Mama, we need to get the bekkycrokinbekkinfil." I had NO idea what she was talking about until we saw the commercial together one day- the Betty Crocker Bake'n'Fill. Uh, no thanks, sweetie.

[Chris]

My daughter has also discovered the Nutrisystem commercials. It cracks me up everytime she says "look at me! I'm a size 2. I finally did something!"

[SarahD]

Oh, the tears coming out of my eyes from Patrick's announcements. "Comumbly!" LOL. My coworkers will never understand.

As a fellow shorty, I totally understand your pj pants dilemma. Who is it that needs those extra 7 inches of cloth?! It reminds me of the pjs my boyfriend bought me from Eddie Bauer for Christmas. He asked what size I was, and I said Small just to be sure they weren't tiny in the waist or too long in the leg. Well, the ankles fit just right but the top was a total balloon. All that extra length and "vanity sizing" as you put it bunched up and slid around my hips. It was hilarious and not terribly romantic ;) Hee.

[Jenn]

Have you ever bought Patrick Land's End stuff? I bought Sam some stuff in size 4 (instead of 4T which seems a bit small). The shirts came to his knees and the pants could fit four kids in them.

Sam read one of those "wordy" commercials to me and asked what drunk driving was and why did it make Emily's mother go away. Gah! How do you answer that one??

[Louise]

He can read! Wow!

He sounds so darling! Keep the Patrick stories coming.

[Sarah]

Hm....I think I was around the same age when I informed my mother that I couldn't take a nap because I didn't get proper rest on an "ordinary flat bed." I launched into the rest of the Craftmatic Adjustable bed commercial verbatim.
Scary what little sponges small people are.

[Jenn in AK]

As Cecily would say, NBHHY, so relax...just a little bit. :-)

Phenergan worked for me better than Reglan. I've already asked for Zofran with my next pregnancy (if that happens - having a little trouble over here). Doc said no problem since our insurance actually covers the damn thing.

Jenn

[the copyright police]

"As Cecily would say"? Whoa. "NBHHY" is the enduring contribution of a certain getupgrrl, whose boots we are hardly fit to lick with our unworthy, ahistorical tongues. (I could also point out that advising someone who's had ten miscarriages to relax because nothing bad has happened yet is, hmmmmm, an interesting choice, but that's neither here nor there, I guess.)

['Nilla @ Vanilladreams]

Monogrammed rejects as Christmas gifts?!?!?!

Wow. Just, wow.

I think that is the worst gift I have EVER heard of!!

I mean, WHY monogrammed rejects???? There are TONS of great towels out there, for inexpensive prices, that don't have someone else's name inscribed on them!!

Bizarre.

Anyway, your kid is hilarious!!

['Nilla @ Vanilladreams]

Oh, that does remind me though....

I was at Sobey's the other day (a grocery store), and heard a kid in the next aisle over, exclaiming to his mother:

"Mom! We should get SUNNY D!!! SUMMER FOREVER!!!!!"

Commercials work a little TOO well on kids, don't they?!?!

[Libby]

Oh man, that Patrick is so funny!

[Mandy]

I gotta say, that story about the towels speaks *volumes* about Steve's parents. Wow! I mean, I like a nice towel as much as the next person, but really...

[Pam L]

The towels story reminds me of my father in law. He's a flea market shopper and every year at Christmas we would get a big box of stuff, most of it not wrapped that he considered as extra gifts only sometimes it was hard to tell what the items even were or who they were intended for, except for the pink terry swimsuit cover up and the vinyl purse last year. Since I'm the only femalein the house,I'm pretty sure they were intended for me. He's also a re-gifter, reuses cards and is proud of it.

[sweetney]

hahahaha!! that was a fucking tour de force, my dear.

[terri c]

Zofran costs $100 PER PILL?

If men got morning sickness you could buy Zofran at 7-11. Or at Sam's club, by the palletload.

I heart Patrick.