Knitting The Ravelled Sleeve

Patrick did not sleep through the night for the first thirteen months of his life. I remember that number, thirteen, because I scratched it repeatedly into the back of my hand during the sleep-deprived delirium I suffered from the moment of his birth until, roughly, July of 2003. In the very beginning he would wake up six or seven times a night. After a few months the every hour thing  gradually eased up, such that when nice people at Target and the gas station would ask if Baby was sleeping well I was able to reply  "Why yes! Yesterday he only woke me up at 11:00 and 1:00 and 3:00 and 4:30 and 5:30 before getting up for good a little after 6:00." Then I would ask them if they would please remove some of the live birds that were nesting in my hair.

That first year was a little rough, sleep-wise.

It gets better. You think it never, ever will and that you will remain hollow and brittle from exhaustion for the rest of your grievously shortened life, but it gets better. Now when Patrick wakes up in the middle of the night it is always because he is sick and so, apart from the difficulties of administering liquid Tylenol in total darkness to an irascible child, it is an infrequent and easily managed occurrence.

I suppose I should say it is usually because he is sick.

Last night I opened a bottle of red wine after reading that, in addition to all its other health benefits, researchers have just discovered that red wine helps fight diabetes. Steve's last physical indicated his glucose levels are on the high side of normal so I decided it was in his best interests to drink a few ounces. Then, because the bottle looked rather sloppy just sitting there with only half a glass missing, I finished the rest of it.

Some time later, after arguing politics with the cat, having my way with Steve and successfully negotiating the bathroom floor (who left that tub there? very dangerous), I fell into the deep and peaceful repose of the pious, expecting to be fully restored to health and lucidity after a good eight or maybe ten hours. Imagine my confusion when I was awakened a mere 45 minutes later by the sound of fake crying coming from Patrick's room. I ignored it. He stopped and then started again just as I was about to fall back asleep. Eh-hehn-hehn, eh-hehn-hehn.

I stumbled up to his room.

"Ah, there you are, Mommy," said a pompous little voice in the darkness as I fumbled the door open (he really talks like that for some reason. he says "ah" and "indeed" and he rarely uses contractions. very normal, is our Patrick.)

"I just thought of a story and I wanted to tell it to you."

What?

He's crazy, isn't he? You can tell me. My child is grapetastically insane.

"Patrick," I said, shoving him over in bed and climbing in beside him, since I was FREEZING (stupid Minnesota), "no. Too late. Very late. Dark. No talking. Shhhhh."

"But Mommy, I just thought of a story and I wanted to tell it to you. I did. Indeed I did. I just thought of it and I wanted you to... I wanted to tell it to you."

I shushed him again.

"But mommy mommy mommy mommy mommy mommy mommy mommy mommy mommy... ."

"FINE. Tell me the story QUICKLY and then stop talking and go to SLEEP."

There was a long pause. Had he actually... fallen asleep?

"Mommy."

No, not asleep, offended. His tone was as of one wounded.

"Aren't you going to go get a pen so you can write down what I say?"

Crazy. Like Nero-crazy, I think.

Comments

[karyn]

I have a feeling that my Clare and your Patrick could conquer the world together if ever they were introduced.

Thanks you for the Patrick stories. They are always entertaining.

[Annie]

Oh, dear! Well, you know what happened to Nero's mum. Sounds like time to tell The Brilliant One that you have no intention of being his unpaid amanuensis, and that if he wants his stories written down he'd better learn to write himself (if he hasn't already). (I say this not in the interest of being an big ol' meanie, but in the interests of spurring Patrick to master writing for himself. There'll be no stopping him then! And you can get some sleep. Maybe.)

[Jen]

I am greatly relieved to see that my son, heretofore known as The World's Worst Sleeper, is following in such illustrious footsteps.

Thanks for letting me know it gets better, and good luck with Mssr. Scheherazade and his nighttime exploits.

[jessica_deva]

I've been a reader but not a commenter for many months. But I really have to say - what on earth would you do if you had more than one Patrick? He is delightful and brilliant and a wee bit frightening sometimes. I am not a mother and I rarely enjoy reading about other people's children, but Patrick would pale as a fictional character - it's the classic 'truth is stranger [and funnier] than fiction'.

[rachel]

so did you write it down? i'm dying to hear his story.

[Karla]

I so badly want that kid for my own. Indeed I do.

[Jessica]

Well, what WAS the story? Just like you to leave us hanging like that.....sheeshhh!

[Meg]

I am consistently amazed.

[Coral]

And the story?.....

I'm waiting....

(LOL)

[Sandy]

I love that he was surprised that you didn't jump right up and get a pen to write his story down.

My 2 year old has recently discovered the joy of fake crying...ugh, I was sooooo glad when my daughters moved out of that stage, and now I get to relive it...lol

[e]

Maybe he would like to start violin lessons- you know, just to be ready...

[tertia]

hahaha! v funny. indeed.

[Flicka]

In re: your last sentence...do NOT buy that kid a fiddle. Only because he'd probably compose an entire opera based around the fiddle and want to play it to you late at night.

Hnag in there. :-)

[MomVee]

My son once woke me because he couldn't sleep. He's ten, and I tried to explain to him that at his age, when you're awake and everyone else is asleep, you're delighted and you read or make models or something. But noooo, he woke _me_ out of a sound and cherished sleep.

I guess what I'm trying to say is I sympathize.

[wookie]

I'm laughing so hard I'm crying. My daughter still wakes me up a couple of times a week with "Mommy, I have something to tell you! It's important! I need to tell you something! Are you listening? Can you show me your quiet hand?" (all this while I'm still groggily trying to open my eyes).

[Susie]

I am most impressed by your ability to convey in writing the sound of fake crying. Perfect.

[Toni]

I'm dying...I wish I was a fly in your house (or the cat - but not the crazy cat that lives in your closet...unless you have size 8.5 shoes....then I'd be okay being that one).

[Lady Fushia]

Thank you...you did the impossible and made me smile today...in fact I actually laughed! Havin a shocker of a week (yes I realise it's only Tuesday!) and you've managed yet again to cheer me up with stories of Patrick! :) I salute you! lol

[Nancy]

I think it's amazing any children survive to adulthood.

[elsimom]

Hilarious. Once my little brother planned a musical. It had a story, songs, and he had assigned characters to each of his friends. He was quite surprised when my mother told him that she didn't think the other mothers would make costumes for their children's parts in his 4 year old musical. I believe they made do with the dress-up box, but I don't think he was able to fully realize his vision - haha.

[Pendullum]

Ohhhh....

Patrick needs a tape recorder....

[Pam L]

I had one good sleeper and one that still doesn't. When this one was a wee lad he would wake up to the slightest sound, if he could fall asleep. One time he told me he woke up because Kiki, the cat, was chasing the little people around that hide in his curtains. Okayyyy. He also slept with a light on until 2 years ago and only does not now because it drives his father crazy who turns it off, when he sees it. Lately he's been rearranging his furnture at night. And he's not cranky from not sleeping the 8-10 hours his Dr. recommends.Go figure. I think the tape recorder, one of those little hand held ones, is a great idea.

[Vanessa]

I truly love your child. Daily I come here searching for more Patrick antics. What would you do with another Patrick?? And please, what was that amazing story that could not wait until the break of dawn??

[Mandy]

And you didn't share the story? Indeed!

[Jennifer]

You have got quite a future maestro on your hands. OMG, I have to say all that I could do is laugh and shake my head. He takes unique to new levels.

Maybe he's a closet Trekkie. Those speech patterns sound very Data-esque!

[DebbieS]

Patrick is hilarious...or at least he seems so, during normal business hours! Definitely get him a tape recorder for his profound thoughts that occur during the wee hours =)

[uberimma]

Hmm. My kid is two and a half and still rarely sleeps through the night. My baby stopped waking up every hour a few weeks ago, age six months. I will not think too much about what this may mean.

[spacemom]

I think a very large book would help... "Here Patrick. This is called Love and War. Read it and report back tomorrow. Oh, and here's a dictionary in case you get stuck" 'NIGHT!

[The Aitch]

If you tell me he speaks in a little british accent as well I will not believe you.

[Loona]

Please please please put up some Patrick videos, or at least audios. I must hear this.

[fuschia]

My son is SO similar.

The things he say crack me up.

"Mymmy, do you think you could you possibly make me some hummous and pitta bread which I do love" is a favourite.

[Ollie]

OMG, he's simply scrumptious. It's no wonder you want more children. He's an amazing little creature, isn't he?

That is so funny.

[marian]

Time to get him a bedside tape recorder so he can record his thoughts on his own. Of course, that may be asking for even more trouble, but worth a try.

[Susan]

LOL! I agree with Marian. Do they still make Dictophones? Also, if you get really desperate, a grandmother who works at the local healthfood store passed on her secret for getting squirrely little ones to sleep- inositol (a B vitamin) and choline after dinner. It gives thier little brains what they need to calm down and sleep. I forget the actual dosage, but there's a mightly tasty chewable called "Pediactive" that has that very same stuff in it. By Nature's way, I think. I'm a raving insomniac, and I take the same stuff in grown-up dosage and it works like a charm.

[Joy]

Wanted to say Happy Thanksgiving! Hope you have a wonderful day. You have a great blog!

If you want to see where the turkey is...see my blog. ;)

[winecat]

Another OMG I heart Patrick! Can you imagine what life will be like with (hopefully) 2 of them?

Happy Thanksgiving and I can't wait to hear the story he HAD to tell you.

[uberimma]

Also... remember that you yourself almost never use contractions. That may have something to do with Patrick's disdain for them.

[Jess]

Aaaahhh -- I TALKED LIKE THAT until I was about 8. Never heard of another kid who did. Crazy! You should record him sometime... you'll crack up listening to him 10 years down the road. :)

[Alice]

When my husband was a kid he had the "Ray Show". I think Patrick is on his way to the "Patrick Show."

[Jessica]

My two-month old sleeps for 5-6 hours a strech at night.

There. Now I've probably jinxed it. ;9

[Marsha]

I just wanted to wish you and yours a happy thanksgiving. I am one of your quieter fans. I hope your weekend is full of good food and love. And perhaps some sleep!

[cathy b]

My comment was going to be:
Christmas 2006, gift #1 for Patrick = tape recorder.

But I see that others have made the same comment, so I would like to add that, if it were a DIGITAL tape recorder that Santa brings, then all of us Patrick fans could download his weekly podcast.

[victoria]

"Indeed I did." Hahahahhahahahah!! Your kid slays me.

[Beth]

I'm new to your blog but I'm hooked already. It sounds like Patrick keeps it interesting at your house.

[Marsha L.]

...so somewhere along the way I figured out that if I kept speaking the way I did, I would only have nerds (like me) for friends. Silly me, I had to learn that it isn't "potato chips," it's "P'tatichips." Nor is it "neither...nor." Saying that something was a "lovely gift" invited stares and snorting guffaws. It took me years to undo all of the stuffy stuff in my speaking style... so I'm, like, waycool now (yeah, right), and I have a soon-to-be four year old saying, "Indeed", "Perhaps", "Might we speak about my birthday presents?", "Oh, my goodness gwacious!", and, (my favorite for a variety of reasons): "Mommy, you wook simpwy wovewy today.". Melt. Sigh. Get him more books about being an iconoclast.

[Amy D.]

dear god, you're FUNNY! This was our weekend hilarity: Woodchuck air ford us hurt. Say that out loud and go buy MADGABS....most fun you can have sober ;-). Or less than...

[Meena]

Lurker here, stepping out to say that was dang funny! I can relate to just about all of it, except my child does not use the word "indeed." He sounds like an amazing kid.

[Gillian]

You never stop with this hilarious stuff do you? I never drink or eat anything when I read your blog.

Clearly you have not been performing a normal level of parental abuse here. You might want to practice some phrases like 'the back o' me hand to you' or 'no more food for you this week my lad' or the mind boggling 'Do you want me to give you something to cry about?'. This last one is always used when the child is already quite successfully crying so it could make a child as bright as Patrick freeze in complete confusion. Then you scurry away fast while he is still baffled.

[Mia c.]

Dear God, I thought I was the only one who had a son who didn't sleep through the night until 13 months. We don't remember much of that first year....