So You Want To Go To Atlanta

Sometimes holiday travel proceeds so smoothly you wish you could fly to see your in-laws every day of the year.

Sometimes, however, you get a Thanksgiving 2006.

Over 60 minutes into our two-hour flight to DC (Dulles, actually, as we were going to head directly down to Steve's parents' house-on-the-water [estuary house?] 100 miles south of Washington) an unspecified mechanical failure forced us to make an emergency landing in Detroit. We then sat on the plane while they determined whether it was fixable or not. Still uncertain after an hour, they released us to the gate area but told us not to go anywhere unless we wanted the plane to take off without us. After another hour of sitting there (why yes! we were traveling with a small child and no, all that sitting around doing nothing was not going particularly well, thank you) a notice went up saying that the plane would depart but not until three pm, giving us four hours or so to kill. We went in search of food with the wistful hope that Patrick might burn off a little excess energy through, I dunno, magic or something.

We had a dismal, bagel-based breakfast/lunch and when we returned to our gate the departure time had been changed to five pm. I told Steve that this was clearly part of a pilot program the goal of which is to relocate people to Detroit through gradual acclimation. First it was an hour, then three... soon we would forget there ever was a time in which we did not live in Michigan and we would wander away from the airport in search of a realtor. As I enlarged upon this theory to a comatose Steve and Patrick made friends with other Minnesota refugee children, the signage concerning our flight mysteriously disappeared from all monitors. Not only were we no longer departing at 5:00, we had apparently ceased entirely to exist (we later learned that this is Northwest Airline's subtle way of letting you know when your flight has been canceled). 

We bumbled around for awhile (alternately worrying about how we would get out of there and wondering why we would ever want to leave when Detroit has so much to offer) until an agent boarding people for a Tampa flight (gosh those Tampa passengers seemed happy) took pity on us and looked up our reservation. This is when we discovered that they had gotten us three shiny new seats on a plane leaving a mere two hours later. Of course, that plane was flying to Atlanta. And Northwest could not get us from Atlanta to Dulles. But they found some spaces on a Delta flight leaving Georgia at 10:00 pm so... so fuck that, we said, gently.   

Gate agents, it turns out, cannot change flight assignments that have been randomly generated by the airline after they accidentally abandon you en route. For that sort of clout you need a ticketing agent, and ticketing agents only dwell outside the security lines. So I had to throw away all the water and apple juice and 5.8 ounce bottles of duty-free perfume I had stockpiled during our wait (have you seen the new TSA regulations? with the baggies?) and we trudged out to stand in line at ticketing.

I spent my 48th birthday waiting for it to be our turn at the ticket counter.

When we finally were helped we discerned a certain... theme. I do not know why Northwest was so desperate to have us visit Atlanta on this trip but my god they were.

"Could they get us into National?" Yes. Well, sort of. Two of us, tomorrow, and the other one could go to Memphis... how about connecting through Atlanta?

"What about Richmond?" Sure! They could connect us to Richmond, on Friday, through Atlanta.

We finally settled on a direct flight to Baltimore and I am glad I did not notice until after we had gone back through security that she had not given us seats, just boarding passes (as the flight was seriously overbooked). Because if I had realized at the time that she had committed us to flying standby, with a little kid and no juice, to a city four and half hours north of our ultimate destination, I might have murdered her. I am not saying I would have, just that I might have.

Eventually we did make it to Baltimore. As we were landing Patrick threw up on himself and me (THIRD time EVER in the history of EVERYTHING that Patrick has vomited. impeccable timing), causing a wardrobe shift that left me in a camisole and him in a sweater down to his knees. Do I need to tell you that we went to Baltimore but our luggage was sent back to Minneapolis? Of course I don't. And that it did not find us down in the hollows of Virginia for THREE DAYS? No. You can imagine that for yourselves.

I was so smug about this trip, too. I gaily packed our small carry-on backpack and chortled over the lack of diapers, wipes, and tiny loud toys. I threw in a pair of underpants for Patrick more as a token for the gods than anything. I had numerous conversations with people about how very easy it is to travel with Patrick now that he is partially civilized. And it is true. He read books and looked out the window and played Hangman with me like a champ. However, the ten extra hours of unexpected travel were a strain. When we finally limped into Steve's parents' house well after bedtime and hours past dinner Patrick was feeling a little fragile.

Steve's stepmother sat us down as we got there and handed Patrick a plate of lukewarm...

"What," Patrick asked, "is that?"

"Moussaka," my mother-in-law said brightly.

"What is moussaka?"

"Eggplant and spiced lamb and goat cheese."

Patrick looked at me. He looked at Steve. He looked at Grandma.

"That is not funny," he said. And he got out of his chair and went to bed (still wearing my sweater) without another word.

"I didn't realize he was such a picky eater," my mother-in-law said, in that tone that mothers-in-law reserve for remarks like that.

Freezing in my camisole, smelling like vomit, exhausted, dying for a drink, blistered, being stared down by a congealing eggplant, and my mother-in-law hits one out of the park like that... ah. Classic. I treasure these moments of absurdity, I really do.

So how was your holiday (holiday for Americans and, I suppose, holiday for everyone else who did not have America calling to bug them every five minutes, thus they were finally able to get the coat closet cleaned out)?

PS You know serving moussaka to a non-Mediterranean preschooler is... bizarre, right? Just checking.

Comments

[Beth]

Yes. Yes. Moussaka is just strange. Strange and unacceptable. I probably would have looked around at that point and wondered if we were on Candid Camera.
Glad to see that you survived.

[Country Mouse]

That is seriously the funniest thing I've read in weeks.

[beck's mommy]

How horrible! Thank god it is over. You survived. And I am assuming that the flight back was somewhat quicker... And moussaka? Seriously?

[Country Mouse]

That is seriously the funniest thing I've read in weeks.

[Pam L]

Funny for us, in a sort of, oh my god, kind of way-but for you? not so much, I'm guessing. Our holiday was as we had hoped, but we drove so weren't at the mercy of Northwest, whose fine hub-city, I swore off years ago after having a very similar experience whilst traveling with two boys under 10 yrs of age. Imagine two planes sitting at adjacent gates both "going" to Denver, but not exactly, as they were both in serious enough need of repairs to keep them sitting there for hours while telling us "don't go anywhere" so we ended up never being able to look at strawberry poptarts again.

[Sally]

Moussaka - isn't that coming out in a Lunchable?

[m]

hi-larious.

[kmr]

Oh. my. god.

First of all, having done the NWA thing for oh, 15 years, I have given up. Northwest sucks. My final straw was being stuck in the same situation in Casper, Wyoming in February with a 7-week-old infant. Arrived at 7 AM and then sat on the plane for 90 minutes. Took off only to circle back to the runway. Sat in the gate area for 3 hours because TSA didn't want to re-screen us. (My husband eventually yelled at a TSA agent to let him out to get ice for my expressed breastmilk.) Ran out of diapers at 4 PM and the ticketing agent offered me a size 3 diaper for my 9-pound baby. Discovered at 6 PM that we could fly out at 10 PM to fly to Vegas and catch the redeye to National. Chose to stay in their free room, which was decorated by the set decorator of the TV show Dallas.

Don't fly Northwest! We flew Midwest Express this past week and flew from National to the Humphrey terminal. Way quicker, since we didn't have to schlep my now 9-month-old through the multiple tramways of Lindbergh. And we got warm chocolate chip cookies, too.

Moussaka. I am SO sorry!

[Annie]

Moussaka.

I commend your self-restraint.

And Patrick's, too.

[Louise]

Moussaka is not funny at all. Even as a very not-picky almost-27 year old, I think anything with eggplant is not funny at all. I also would have gone to bed.

[grumpygirl]

once upon a time i had a boyfriend with children (4 and 8) and i served them a dinner of spinach tortellini. just spinach on the outside. green, which should be cool.

the daughter grunted and groaned and pushed them around her plate, and i was later chastised for serving something so odd. (yes, that relationship was a winner...)

mousaka? isn't that one of the dishes used as a simile in "the joy of sex"?

tell patrick i wouldn't eat it either.

[Annika]

Your theory, in addition to sounding a lot like the movie Dead End Drive-In, is perhaps the only way to get people to move to Detroit. It is, in fact, brilliant. Perhaps you could sell it.

[Abigail]

Of course it's weird to feed that to a kid! It's in My Big Fat Greek Wedding. It's an axiom, like Windex.

And those kids calling it moose-caca to poor Toula. No kid should ever have to go through that.

[Mrs. Chicken]

This was perfection. Not your horrible trip, of course, but oh! The retelling!

[Naomi]

Moussaka? For a preschooler? Who threw up a few hours earlier? Is she insane? My kids will try almost anything, and I don't think they'd like moussaka. I don't know, because I've never served it to them, because I don't like eggplant either.

[Jenn]

I would have the same reaction if someone tried to serve me moussaka.

[Elena]

Boy do I feel lucky to no longer have in-laws and that my kids and I got to STAY HOME and host Thanksgiving.

I did notice on our recent trip from San Jose to MSP and back that our Northwest planes looked awfully rundown and rickety.

[Julie]

Condolences. Puke, cancelled flights and mousska all in the same Thanksgiving? Have mercy on you :)

[CrankMama]

Holy hell! I'm impressed that MIL didn't end up with a glare to kill all bad juju snark! And presenting a child (esp. a tired hungry child) with anything RESEMBLING eggplant is ridiculous.

Bet you're glad to be back home (here's hoping you are)

[jenB]

now, am i drunk or confused or did you write 48th birthday? eggplant is the vegetable of satan, btw.

[Susan]

Oh. My. Gawd.
Wow- that lady is SOOOOO far away from any of her experiences with a preschool child. I'm just surprised and grateful that poor Patrick didn't look at it and dissolve into tears! What was Grandma THINKING???
Cheerios, cheese and crackers, ginger ale, coco, any of those would be fine. But instead she decides to play "self-righteous horizon-broadener" after the poor kid's been through all that??

[e]

I don't understand what's wrong with moussaka. It's basically just lasagne made with aubergine instead of pasta. Yum.

I think you were all all just too weary to want anything but comfort food. Meanwhile, your ma-in-law probably made it earlier in the day and warmed it up when you were announced. Older people are like that. (thinking about the things my father has served us at odd times of the day)

[e]

After reading all the other comments, I have come to the conclusion that moussaka must be a lot more acceptable in Europe than in the US.

Even English schoolchildren eat it, which goes to show how far it has penetrated into our culture. I am quite certain I served to our children when they were preschoolers.

[e]

jenB- I think she was using the 48th birthday as a shorthand way of indicating the immensity of the queue.

[jen]

Moussaka is fine... my 15mo eats it pretty often, but then he's used to my cooking (and won't eat anything without garlic - he went on hunger strike for 3 days on our last holiday to the US).

What bites is the way that Mother In Laws manage to pull one out of the bag every time. My favourite so far is the "you don't need a cleaner - give your child to someone for an hour and clean the house yourself". Yes, because I really want to farm out my child in preference to cleaning the bathroom. Or maybe Not.

Sorry to hear you had such an awful time. I'll look out for you on a future episode of 'Airline', with a plastic fork stuck in the ticketing officer's head.....

[katie]

and my husband wonders why i'm terrified of flying with our 9 month old daughter...thank goodness we can't afford to this christmas, but i know my mother in law isn't going to let us use that excuse forever now that her son is gainfully employed and all...

[V]

I think you should write a book on all the things that Patrick has said over the years. It would be a best seller.
"That is not funny," - I love it.

[Slim]

OK, first of all, goat cheese in moussaka? Really? Is she Greek, and that's the authentic Greek way? Because I like moussaka, but I don't think I've ever had it with goat cheese. Right, not the point.
And the point is, you and Patrick are right, and she is something else.
My MIL has tried to serve my children tongue. What kid doesn't love tongue?

[erika]

I'm curious what else she served you during your visit. Sorry for all the stress and the puke and the moussaka. But from the sidelines, that is one funny story.

[Ruth]

Oh, my. You've just given me a flashback to Christmas, 2004 .... caught up (with 7 million other people) in a snowstorm, trapped in Detroit. Except that in our case they gave us hotel vouchers and didn't get us out of town for two days .... during which they would not release our luggage. Which contained our toothbrushes. And underpants. And my toddler's nebulizer.

We're never travelling at the holidays again, and NEVER going through Detroit again. We like our house in the Northeast just fine, thank you, and are not looking to be acclimatized.

[MomVee]

Yes, Thanksgiving 2006 was clearly cursed. We drove to Virginia in truly the worst traffic I've ever seen, and home in the second-worst. We stopped counting the accidents around eight. Oh, and two of my children developed strep throat, and a different two (you really need a Venn diagram) got a stomach bug from my father-in-law.

And I think my mother-in-law and yours are working from the same playbook.

[Chookooloonks]

YEESH. Horrible.

And goat cheese for a preschooler.

*shaking head*

[Jessie]

I think we started eating Moussaka when I was around four, but then again our neighbors were Greek and they made the best food ever. I'm not sure, though, that I would have eaten it luke-warm/reheated at four.

[sozzled]

ugh. I'm sorry. It likey won't help to know it was in the mid 50s here and a lovely day for strolling along the parkway after stuffing our faces and before playing drunken American history games?

[ls]

I am flying on Christmas Eve with my 3 year old to Maui (from NC) to visit my sister for 2 weeks. Many friends continuously ask me if I am excited. And I have to tell them no, I am too worried/terrified the flights will be nightmares and we will spend Christmas morning in Los Angeles. When that last flight of 3 takes off for Maui from California, then, and only then, will I be excited.

[Alice]

Dreadful. What fun that they liked to keep you guessing! I mean, really, why tell the passengers what's happening with their flight? I mean, really.

[Reese]

Oh dear God in heaven... I can't even begin to comprehend how awful/frustrating/angering/desperate/oh-my-God-kill-me that was. I'm so glad you made it back alive. (Have I ever mentioned my loathing for MILs? I'm sure I have...)

[Elizabeth]

I'm sorry, but asking anyone under the age of ten to eat a food that is unfamiliar to them when they are tired, hungry and travelling is asking for trouble, and any sensible adult knows this. I think Patrick behaved very well under the circumstances... that is not funny indeed.

My own parents understood this very well, as they were veterans of travelling with children. They had a special rule for vacations: we could eat whatever we wanted as long as we ate. If we ordered ice cream for dinner at the restaurant my parents chose, that was fine. Clearly it didn't kill us, and it saved everyone's sanity.

[obabe]

And I thought our 8 hour trek home from Boston to Chicago due to a dead generator on the right engine of our plane was bad with our two boys (3 and 1) but you win. Not that you wanted to, but you do. I hope you all recover soon!

[Chickenpig]

Unless you're Greek, and your children are Greek, and your children's children are Greek, then there is no reason on God's green Earth to have to look at moussakka, let alone if you're a four year old boy who has been what he'd been through. It certainly isn't funny, Patrick, not one iota...although the way your mother tells it it's hilarious. How was the rest of your trip? How was the flight back? Is there more to this story?

[Diane]

Don't ever fly Northwest ever. They are absolutely the worst. They couldn't pay me to take one of their flights. We had a similar experience, having to make an emergency landing in Minnesota. They dropped everyone off and that was it. It was late at night and you couldn't find a single soul to help you, so on the floor of the airport we slept. No blankets, nothing. Never ever ever ever again. Then of course there was the incident several years back where everyone was stranded on the tarmac for several hours with no water or anything.
Sorry you had such a horrible experience, the lack of luggage would have been bad enough.

[spacemom]

I don't trust any airline anymore.

I can't believe your MIL tried to serve Patrick that. At least his sarcasm meter was still in tact..

Are you planning to relocate to Atlanta now?

[Ariella]

I feel your pain. I was in the same situation two christmases ago flying Northwest from Newark to Madison, WI. They canceled my flight (without telling me) because there was a huge snow storm over Cleveland. I was at the airport for 14 hours before they managed to get me on a flight to Chicago. Only one thing made this bearable: first class flight to O'Hare. I really took advantage of all that free booze.

Ehhh... I don't know how weird it is to serve Moussaka to a pre-schooler. I wasn't mediterannean but ate stuff like that when I was Patrick's age. I guess it just depends on the kid.

[Jena]

While I don't have any children, stories like that are why I don't fly. Ever. If I can avoid it. I take the train. I'm not sure if that would be a great idea with a kid in tow though. My deepest condolences, for the planes and the step-mother-in-law.

[Katie]

I hate Northwest. I would rather drive the 2 hours to Columbus to fly Southwest than the 1 hour to Detroit to fly Northwest.
When Northwest opened the new terminal in Feb 02 we sat on the plane for more than 30 minutes because no knew how to more the new jet ways to connect the plane to the terminal.
Southwest lost my preschooler's carseat on the return flight. They gave me a loaner that was not the right size but all they had. I later wrote to tell them they needed to invested in the 5-80lbs seats to cover all in need of car seats and was thanked with $100 voucher.
Maybe you should email Northwest the link to this post and let them read all the comments.

I hope the return flight was better and you are enjoying the time at home.

[snickollet]

Funny and awful at the same time. Glad you survived.

And I thought our inconsolable-sobbing-sleepless-ear-infected baby was cause for whining. Not so!

[anon]

The Detroit airport is the armpit of the universe. Enough said.

[Courtney]

I'm from Detroit and tend to advocate for its revival but even I will admit flying Northwest is always, always, always horrible. It hasn't gone well for me once in the past five years, whether I'm flying to chicago or Texas. Avoid Northwest like the plague from now on. It will never be kind to you.

[DebbieS]

That was hilarious, in a didn't-happen-to-me sort of way! The airline needed to give you some major sucking up-type travel vouchers. Not that you'd ever want to fly with them again!

Nothing intrinsically wrong with moussaka, but if I were going to cook anything for an overtired, sickish toddler it would have been a mild, basic comfort food that they were already familiar with. Especially my own grandson. Please tell me you're staying home safe and sound for Christmas!!

[GW]

Oh my god. You had to deal with DETROIT and MOUSSAKA in ONE DAY?

I am so sorry. (And, being from the Detroit, I can rip on Detroit all I want, thank you very much.)

Who serves Moussaka to a child? WHO? I am NOT a picky eater and I am 34 years old and I WILL NOT EAT Moussaka. Ever. Especially not after 10 hours in hell.

You made me laugh, but, I'm sorry the whole experience happened to you.

Gretchen