Bleh

Sorry... sorry.

I should have warned you that with my family in residence and my computer in the kitchen I would be padlocking this place for the week and swallowing the key. I love these people dearly (although not as much as I did eight days ago before I had so very very much of their wonderful company) but they are nosy. At one point I logged on for two seconds to send a quick message and when I turned my back for a moment my mother's gentleman friend started opening .jpg files saved on my desktop. All perfectly harmless, of course, since I am the model of rectitude but it gave me a coronary nonetheless. The only reason I am updating now is because I sent everyone out to lunch.

So I am sorry not to update sooner, although there was really nothing to say a few days ago that is any different now. I have a drawerful of vaguely positive pregnancy tests. And by "vaguely" I mean it requires significant concentration and a bit of creative flair to see a line at all. A whole week's worth, no darkening. This morning the First Response was actually negative and the Fact Plus was positive but not glaringly so. Yesterday's ept was encouragingly  plus-like but it is in sad minority in terms of being clear. Since I am... well I am not sure what I am since we do not know if the blast was a 5 or 6 or 7 day embryo  but let's say I am at least 4 days past the "first missed period" marker or well beyond a point at which a pregnancy test should be definitive if there is any chance it won't all end in tears. 

The Grove does not do betas until 18 days after whatever so my hcg draw is not until Tuesday. I am disappointed but slogging along. As usual.

I hope you had nice holidays and I will be back once my house is empty, which should have been tomorrow but Steve's birthmother is apparently coming to visit while she is in the area ("area" meaning Chicago, but fair enough). I think she leaves Sunday.

We'll talk soon.

Comments

[Amanda]

Good to hear from you. Hang in there! Come on Tuesday!!

[Denise]

Yay!!! You posted... my stalking paid off!

Well and almost positive is better than a definate no :o) Glad you finally posted and I hope you have a wonderful New Year!! Looking forward to a Tuesday post. :o)

[Anita]

Well. Hmmmmm.

I hope more positive news, glaringly postive news, soon.

And good luck with the family!

[Janis]

What is it with prople thinking that they can just do whatever they want on someone else's computer? Drives me absolutely batty! Snoopy poopy's! ARGH!

Sorry the HPT's haven't been more reassuring.

[Alexa]

Well, drat. I was hoping for something definitively positive, for your sake. Will be sending good thoughts in your general direction...

[Pam L]

Oooo people taking liberties with my computer is my pet peeve. I have a nephew who will sneak in and "clean up" your desktop and eradicate "unnecessary files" even shrink the screen size to make your computer more efficient and then sneak off not telling you this leaving you wondering what the heck happened while you weren't looking and why you can no longer read any of the words as they are so small.

[Veronika]

I came here determined to email and ask where you'd dissapeared to... and you posted! Yay! Good luck on surviving the relatives, you're a stronger woman than me. I'll be thinking of you and praying for more ++++.

[Nicole]

May your positives glare like oncoming high beams. Good luck, great blog.

[Liza]

YOU'RE ALIVE! Hurrah!

Seriously, I'm glad you weren't felled by a bleeding ectopic or a falling safe or the headache that made you faint like one of those goats every time there was a bright light or loud noise. For you, this news is good.

I am sorry that you are disappointed with the whatever-it-is. I hope it is not too heavy on you through the New Year, and that you can either drink or not drink to good purpose with certainty by then. Heavily if the former.

I have been thinking about you. Did Patrick get lots of letter-y things for the holiday? Did you guys do Santa? A tree? I'd love to see a picture of a Julia tree. I'm sure there would be ABCs aplenty, and mighty classy-looking ones at that :-) ABCs and cats.

[Vanessa]

My boss will be relieved you posted,for now I can return to my duties. So sorry nothing is absolutely positive, and I understand the nosey in-law thing. The only people we told about our ART is my parents and select friends. NO ONE will know until after I figure out how to get a baby.

Praying for Tuesday to hurry it's damn self up!

[Flicka]

I'm hoping for good stuff but preparing my shoulder in case of bad. I hope you never need it.

Have fun with your family! (bwahahaha)

[mellie]

Fingers crossed regardless...here's hoping your fingernails turn blue (thanks Tertia!)

[Brooklyn Girl]

Hoping good things.

[Stacey]

Hang in there -- FETs are notorious for slowly increasing beta hCG levels!!

Happy New Year -- hope it brings a healthy pregnancy to you!

[spacemom]

The holidays do make blogging difficult.

Good luck with the hCG.... Thinking large numbers for you....

[Menita]

Hoping and waiting. Thanks for the update.

[Melina]

Oh, I'm sorry there is nothing definitive yet. Hope something clear and wonderful happens Tuesday.

[Hoping]

oh julia I am sorry the tests are not telling you much of anything but hang in there best you can.

[Woody's Girl]

So relieved to hear from you, Julia. If you continue to test, I hope they get increasingly (obviously) positive. Being in a state of limbo certainly stinks.

It sure would have been nice to have a definitive answer before the New Year, so you could celebrate in style. :-P

And hey... tell your relatives to keep their nosy fingers (eewww!) OFF your computer!

[Jill]

Hoping you get a definitive answer Tuesday.

[Beth]

De-lurking once again to express my hopes that you'll soon -- very soon -- have definitive, positive news. Hang in there, I know how hard it is.

[alchemilla]

Oh bollocks. Sorry sweetheart, that inconclusive neither one thing nor the other really sucks. As does one's nearest and dearest not understanding about boundaries on computers - I'm sure these same people would rather gnaw off their own feet before they'd open a letter addressed to someone else, or go ferreting about in someone else's desk.

Regardless of the suckiness, and the surfeit of relations (have you all not heard of the fish/family rule: after three days they both go off ?) I hope you had a wonderful Christmas and that Patrick thoroughly enjoyed himself.

[Melany]

How is it, in the face of what I'm sure is house montain, a constant stream of family & friends, the various "needs" of your immediate family, the impending thrills of New Year's Eve, o'er top of which hangs the billows of the anxiety/hope/fear/needs AmI/AmInot nebula (which, by the virture of the cruelest nature of things puts drinking cosmopolitans out of the picture)....you stop to take time to even think - much less apologise to us??
Trust me on this - we are not worthy. I really do hope the knowledge that we, your faceless groupies tuning in daily, really do think of you & wish you the very best, offers some comfort....

[Minnesota Momma]

Here's to some positive news on Tuesday! De-lurking to send some good wishes your way.

I can't believe someone just starts opening up stuff on your computer. WTH?

[marisa]

my thoughts are with you that the hpt's get darker and that little blast is hangin' in.

[Brandee]

Not to be an "upstairs in ladybug pjs" type, but, with my second son my pregnancy tests were always SO faint. Even the nurse at my OB's office kind of gave me a "poor you" pat on the back when she saw it. But, he's upstairs in his Star Wars pjs right now, tearing my mother effing house down. A line is a line....

[Natalee]

Ok, well um...

Feeling cautiously optimistic on your behalf?

[Lisa H]

None of my pregnancies had pregnancy tests come back positive before I was 10 weeks along at the earliest (before then they were negative). Good luck!

[Binky]

18 days! That's cruel. I hope the new year brings really good news.

[Stacie]

Keeping crossables crossed that vague lines turn dark, beta numbers are high and increase steadily, and that all is well and fecund.

[Sara]

Given how you seem to defy the odds in every other category, I think that there's at least a smidgen of hope that this will work out. Having said that, I'm sorry that you're not seeing a blazing hot pink line visible from Mars.

My beta is on Tuesday too, and while I haven't yet done an HPT, I don't have to to know that raging pms symptoms and no pregnancy symptoms whatsoever are not a good sign. Waiting still sucks, though, even when you already know the likely outcome.

[RR]

Until Tuesday...keeping you in my thoughts...vague lines and all

[Sandy]

Will think only good thoughts for you. Very, very good thoughts.

[Amy]

Best of luck! Crossing all practical extremities!

[Jane-Marie]

Thank goodness for an update! Kick the family out and write more :)
Fingers crossed that all goes well.

['Nilla @ Vanilladreams]

No beta until 18 days past ANY transfer?!?!?!!? That is ludicrous!! Why does that clinic wait so long?? 10dp versus 18 dp is a HUGE difference!

Well, in any case, good luck with your beta!!

xx
Nilla

[Ali]

Here's to great things in 2007 for you and your family.

[swissmiss]

I was just thinking hmmm, what's going on with Julia and here you are. Thanks for the non-update update - as always I'm squeezing thumbs.

[swissmiss]

Hmm, that reads wrong I didn't mean the "non-update update" to sound snarky, just that there is no definitive news yet I'm glad you updated anyway is what I meant.

[Chickenpig]

Don't get discouraged already. FETs take longer to double and have lower initial numbers than fresh transfers and "natural" pregnancies, even if you have multiples. At 14 days with 3 day embryos, my HCG was only 101, two days later it was only 175. The nurse kindly explained that those numbers were good for a FET and that I shouldn't be concerned.

As for pregnancy tests, they suck. They only have enough chemical present to give you positive if your HCG is 50 or higher, the EPT's and some more expensive tests if it is 25 or higher. They are not quantitative, so the darkness of the lines doesn't indicate what your actual number is by a long shot, just how cheap the company is going with the chemicals. So, you may get a more definitve line in a couple of days, but it may never get as dark as you would like.

I'm holding onto hope for your beta. If you haven't had a FET before, don't be surprised if the number is lower than you'd expect.

[Rella]

I agree with some of the other comments: a line is a line, however faint. I've only ever had blanks or faint lines, and the latter were always + in the beta blood test.

[terri c]

Things are crossed here for you. What a stressful time this must be!

[Wasabi]

I've had very faint lines on supposedly very sensitive tests that came back with betas in the 150s. I do tend to go with the line is a line is a line theory because when I've gotten a negative there really isn't even a trace of a line there.

[Aurelia]

My lines were insanely faint, even on the doctor's test version of HCG POAS tests. The blood test from that same day, was 1025. My bits are crossed for you!

[mommycheryl]

Um, at the risk of giving you false hope, here's my story. Also a frozen cycle, albeit three totsicles implanted. Anyway, I started home testing at 7 dpt. Got what kinda sorta if you squinted really hard looked like a line. Next day, same kind of line. Next day, no line even if you squinted. Finally convinced the clinic to draw my beta a whole day early. I can't believe it but I don't remember what it was except positive. More betas leading up to first ultrasound -- looks like a nice singleton based on the Hcg numbers. Whoops, it's twins. Both made it and just celebrated their fourth Christmas. One of them, like Patrick, is OBSESSED with letters. Go figure.

[legalmama]

Well, for what it is worth, my personal experience with HPT's is that the line does not get noticeably darker until the beta is quite high. My first beta with my son at 11dp3dt was ridiculously faint, so much so that I fully expected a chemical pregnancy type beta. It was 38, not high, but not a disaster. Two days later, it had more than doubled to 81, and the line was still just a shadow. Over the course of the next week, I'm sure I took 20 hpts, and I would say the line was not noticeably darker until close to my third beta, which was in the 700's. Even at that point, the line was not satisfyingly DARK on most brands. I also found that I could take two hpts from the same batch of pee (the dipping method) and they would be totally different. With my twins, my first beta was nearly 200, and the line was quite faint. It doubled two days later, and then a few days later, I actually got a totally negative HPT. A few days after that, my beta was over 5000. Those HPT's are trickly little buggers. Better not to do them at all. Hah! I know I'll never get to pee on a stick again, and I truly miss it. So anyway, I always take a positive as a very good thing, no matter what the color of the line.

Best of luck, and you should probably just stop peeing on those things.

[Drunken Housewife]

I had negative pregnancy tests both times I was pregnant, when I should have had positive tests. I have two strapping children to prove those negative tests wrong. I think that is fairly typical to have those false negatives, and the pregnancy testing people are exaggerating with their "take the test the day you miss your period" claims.

I know you've had such a long and complicated journey, and so I'm not qualified to tell you what to do, but honestly don't let those tests rule your mood. It's early enough that a false negative does NOT mean that your hcg levels are inadequate.

hoping the morning sickness kicks in (you know what I mean; I'm rooting for the symptoms of pregnancy, not misery for you).

[Laura K.]

I'll be hoping for a grand confirmation of positive news after Tuesday's draw. Good luck!

[Amber]

stupid tests. of course, it is better than no line, but still drives you nuts.

I am a grove girl also, and despise the long wait. pure torture.

[elaina]

Just adding my wishes for good news tomorrow!