Frozen

The combination of zero expectations for success and feeling physically like hell is making my first-and-last frozen embryo cycle something of a trial.

Although I suppose it is remotely possible that I could get pregnant and have a baby after negotiating this series of flaming hoops, I very strongly doubt it. And it is not why we are doing it, anyway. It is more like we are trying to close a door but we cannot with a frozen blast wedged in the jamb. So I am going through the motions fully expecting to be in the exact same position next week that I am this week (entirely unpregnant) but the motions suck and I am feeling awful.

In theory a frozen cycle is much easier than a full-bore IVF. You go for one ultrasound and blood draw, take estrogen for a couple of weeks, go back for another ultrasound and blood draw, start progesterone and then they bung in whatever cells they have lying around with your name on them. Compared to the weeks of monitoring with a fresh cycle it is more like background music than anything else.... ok, the frozen stuff IS much easier. But the estrogen is making me sick and I still cannot see very well and I don't remember the progesterone shots being quite so debilitating. I have only had two of them so far and I am already crabbing along with huge purple lumps in my ass.

Grumble grumble.

I went to the ophthalmologist yesterday.

He tortured me with those horrible machines for a while and finally said that my eyes are fine, healthy, great. I do not need glasses. However, when I fainted during the exam (bright lights. blinding pain. red wave. flashing stars. CLUNK) he suggested I might want to go see my primary care doctor about the migraines. I told him I do not get migraines but he seemed unconvinced.

He also told me that his brother had a terrible time conceiving and they went through all sorts of procedures and finally adopted a wonderful little girl from China and naturally his sister-in-law then got pregnant right away so they went from nothing to two in one year. Which just goes to show you that he actually read my intake form as I had listed delestrogen under Medications, Currently Taking. He sort of rolled with it from there.

I get so incredibly uncomfortable talking about our reproductive woes that I tend to start twisting my body into a pretzel the longer the conversation lasts. By the time he was done my ankle was wrapped around my head. Maybe that is why I passed out. I suppose that I could serve an educational function, calmly telling my fellow preschool mothers for example that yes, we would like to have more children but unfortunately we struggled to have Patrick and I have had multiple miscarriages in our attempt to have another and some women have bigger reproductive challenges than simply avoiding marital congress in the early Spring because they think Christmas babies are at a birthday disadvantage. Although probably one of them has had a loss of her own and if I mentioned our problems she would tell me hers and we could sympathize with each other. Except, as I think about it, I feel like I am in a whole different realm when it comes to miscarriages, a realm that has only been toured by about three other people (hello MustangSally!) and it is unlikely that any of those three are at Patrick's school. In fact I am certain of it because the only other only child in his class was the product of a shotgun wedding that was followed by an even more abrupt shotgun divorce. So... so what?

Where was I?

Oh, I don't like to talk about our fertility issues (except here on the internet. isn't that why all infertiles/subfertiles eventually wind up on the internet? because we feel isolated and sometimes you are just dying to tell someone about your hormone levels who actually understands?) but my eye doctor made me. Then I fainted.            

DC clinic just called to give me my alleged transfer time- 1:00 on Monday. I cannot shake the feeling that they will call again around breakfast on Monday to say the embryo died so I am free to make other plans for the afternoon, how about the Air & Space?

I will keep you posted as events warrant. I would appreciate some good luck, if you have any.

Have a nice weekend.   

PS I have just read this over and I think I am feeling a little depressed.

Comments

[Brandee]

Sending you good luck. Hope someone does something about that whole vision/fainting/migraine thing. FWIW, that's exactly how my migraines presented. I got to do the tour of the cat scan/MRI/everyothertestinthe word before we finally all agreed that migraines it was.

[diane]

Best of luck ! Wishing you the very best. You certainly deserve it

Long time lurker but very well intentioned!

[Lisa]

I will hope that you find yourself pleasantly surprised during your trip to D.C. And I'm sorry to hear about the headaches and vision problems, that is just not something anybody needs. I just want to thank you for your writing - I really enjoy hearing your voice, depressed or jublilant or sarcastic or any and all of these emotions. Crossing my fingers for a happy end to 2006 for you...

[Cat, Galloping]

Finally something I can do... wish you good luck!

[KathyH]

I thought I didn't get migranes too. Bright lights, flashing stars. Those are my migranes. No pain, just the vision thing.

Best of luck. I hope you don't make it to the Air&Space on Monday.

[Jill]

Hoping you are surprised with good news Monday.

[Jen]

Good luck, sweetie.

[Toni]

I can understand the depression. But I'm hoping for wonderful luck for you on Monday. Wonderful, non-Air&Space luck. :)

[Amber]

my own new motto...in an attempt to justify my NUMEROUS cycles, when asked "why do you keep doing this?" is:

it just might work.

and your cycle just might work too.

[Quirk]

Yes, good luck to you. You deserve it (luck, in this sense) more than anyone I know. And please find another opthalmologist. I'm worried about you.

[Miz S]

Good luck, Julia. And take Patrick to the Mormon Temple. Explain to him that the Mormons compensate for their shaky theology by putting up a shitload of holiday lights.

Wait. Do you even have Patrick with you? Or did you come all by your lonesome?

[snickollet]

Good luck, good luck. Luckity luck luck!

[Leslie]

It's been awhile since I checked in and I'm sort of encouraged that you are still 'in the game'. I had some headache reaction the estrogen as well and my ultrasound tech (married to one of the RE's) told me it's because estrogen increased blood flow and eventually it sort of maxes out and the headaches stop (please forgive me, I paraphrase terribly AND oversimplify as that's all my little achy brain could take in). I'm just saying - it will go away.

Best to you. Wishing Christmas miracles for you - 'tis the season and all...

[gkk]

I can actually see this working. We all know by now the universe loves to mess with you, and having had #2 sitting in the fridge all this time is just about twisted enough to be true. Fingers crossed etc etc.

[Cris]

Good luck to you! You are in my thoughts!

And thanks, Miz S, for the gratuitous religious insult. Anything you'd like to say about the Holocaust Museum while you are at it?

[Brooklyn Girl]

Wishing I could give you a big hug. Thinking good thoughts for Monday.

[Erica]

GOOD LUCK! I wish I could meetcha, I work in DC and live in Fairfax, VA. Used to go to your clinic, there's a very nice sushi restaurant (and Krispy Kreme donut place!) down the road for your after-transfer lunch.

I hope that lovely blast thaws nicely and behaves itself.

[anne nahm]

Luck!

[Pam L]

Well, take your ankle from around your head and relax. Just what you needed to hear, another "what happened right after they adopted" story. People mean well, they just can't always relate. Here's hoping good results for you.

[DebbieS]

"bright lights. blinding pain. red wave. flashing stars.."...what's next, purple diamonds? (You deserve one!) Julia, sounds like the tag line for a new breakfast cereal! Target audience: women who experience awful side effects from fertility drugs and/or nosy people. They could call it "Unlucky Charms".

Regardless, best of luck to you...and it is crazy enough that it just might work! You're in D.C....the federal gov't. has to be good for something, right?

[Melina]

luck, luck, luck, luck.... sending it your way.

[parodie]

You can have all the luck I have - I can do without.

[Heels]

1. Good good good luck to you.

2. Ocular migraines. I didn't think of my experiences with them, regarding your own eye troubles, until I read here today the combo of LSD-like symptoms combined with you passing out. Read about them and see what you think.

3. Your new kitchen and your son are lovely.

[tgsdmom]

Good luck from all my heart.

[aibee]

Sincerely, good luck.

[Jen]

Wishing you the very best of luck.

[Chickenpig]

You passed out CLUNK during an eye exam, and the best your doctor could do for you is say "get those migraines checked out" after talking your ear off about IF? He sounds real compassionate.

I had to laugh at your description of women avoiding "marital congress" in the early spring to avoid a near-Christmas birthdate. The transfer date for our twins was March 24, and they were born November 29, two weeks ahead of their due date of Dec 12. It still amazes me that their are people who actually get to choose. We were amazingly lucky with our FET, and we still have two more "frozen wedges" in the door. I send you all the FET luck I can muster up. THAW...LIVE....IMPLANT....GROOOOOOW!!!!!!

[throwingutah]

Since it seems you'll be around the general area for a couple of days, you might consider a shortish drive down to Richmond to Lewis Ginter Botanical Gardens and their holiday display. Everyone I know who's taken small children has said it's wonderful for them. I'm taking my three-year-old for the first time this week.
For further detail:
http://www.lewisginter.org/calendar/index.php?eventType=se&month=11#gardenfest

[Naomi]

Good luck!

[SheilaC]

Wishing you very good luck, and hoping with all my heart,

[uberimma]

I'm going to miss you AGAIN!

We're going to DC, but not till next week. We could have gone to the Air & Space together.

[Sally]

Um...yo. Greetings from The Realm. Wasn't it your turn to bring snacks tonight?

[MereCatherine]

Good luck! Don't be depressed. I know you are trying to protect yourself, but make sure you give that sweet blast everything you got! GREAT LUCK!

[Annika]

I have some good luck mojo sort of stuff just lying around and I am sending it all to DC for you. Maybe you could do the transfer AND air & space.

[Annika]

And for heaven's sake, get that migraine thing checked out! Migraines are perhaps the worst thing to ever happen to me (and I don't wish to be uncouth but let's just say that parts of me that belong on the inside have fallen out, nearly killing me, and the migraines were still worse).

[Lisa V]

Luck. Sincere good fortune.

[cathy]

you are the thrid blogger i read try for pregnancy after miscarriages. the other two are well and truly pregnant. what is it they say about things happening in threes? sending you all my best thoughts!!

[alisa]

Random stranger here crossing fingers and toes for you...
Isn't it interesting that there will be several hundred people waiting in agony with you to know the outcome? We're all rooting for you!

[Teenuh]

Best wishes to you, Julia. I hope your egg hatches well after thawing and that you will find yourself pregnant with a genetically perfect baby. :)

[terri c]

I don't want you to have migraines... You've had enough to deal with already. We are thinking extra hard of you, here at Our House.

['Nilla @ Vanilladreams]

Certainly I send you the very best of luck for this FET, while reserving some luck for myself for my own FET in January. ;)

With all the bad stuff happening to good people in blog land right now, surely, SURELY it is time for a change?

God I certainly hope 2007 is better for us all.

That sucks about the migraines -- I've had terrible migraines in the past -- oddly enough, they improved after I got pregnant (short as it was). But really, whenever I am pregnant (however briefly), I do not get headaches or migraines.

I'd suggest getting a migraine prescription for Maxalt -- but women aren't "recommended" to take it while pg....so, do with that what you will....

You will post an update on Monday, yes?

[Sara]

So sorry that the eye thing persists (sorry to be a broken record here, but it DOES sound like migraines). How utterly annoying, and as for the butt lumps? That's just uncalled for.

I really hope that the frozen embryo has some pleasant surprises up his or her sleeve. I guess we'll see.

I'm not going to give you a pep talk, because when it comes to fertility, I think that attitude has nothing to do with success rates. I do, however, feel the need to point out that given enough time, improbable things are almost certain to occur at least once. After a zillion miscarriages, you really are about due for a break. Good luck!

[Andrea]

Just wanted to say that I was diagnosed with miagraines back in college. I never have the headache with them (thank God) but have horrible vision problems and dizziness. I'm also very sensitive to noise during them. I got lay down in the dark and wait for it to pass.

Most importantly though - wishing you tons of luck.

[Aurelia]

I'm crossing my fingers and praying for you. I too feel like someone from a different realm sometimes. I actually stopped counting the pregnancies where I've been briefly pregnant by blood hcg or HPT, and then it disappeared. Now, when I am forced to recite my pregnancy history, (successful and failed) to a medical person I utterly hate it too. It does feel depressing just to talk about it, and I wouldn't blame you at all if you were, just remember that we are all here sending you good thoughts.
I'm so glad you blog. Please never stop. I really want to know what happens to you and Patrick and Steve.

[Dead Bug]

Hoping, hoping, hoping for good news.

--Bugs

PS, PIO in an ethyl oleate suspension is much, much easier on the haunches than the usual stuff. I have pharmacy info if you're interested.

[swissmiss]

Good luck.

Sorry the eye doctor threw you for a loop. Just focus on the eyes, dude.

[jc]

I know a few too many people with against-all-odds babies so I think maybe I do have some luck for other people and I'm sending it all your way. Am hoping you get a wonderful holiday gift packaged in a petri dish.

[Leggy]

Good luck. I'm sorry about the eye thing- that on top of all the rest of it just seems too overwhelming. And yeah, could you tell my inlaws that I really don't like discussing my IF woes over breakfast? On the internet its fine. In real life, not so much...

[victoria]

Oh, I think this is one of the saddest posts you've written. Maybe as sad as the post reporting the last pregnancy failed. Somehow -- behind all the cheer -- you sound so overwhelmed, and ill, and hopeless, and alone. Your body hurts, your eyes aren't working right, and you're going through all this just for what you're sure will be another failure. Julia, I'm so sorry. This has been such a long, hard road for you.

[JenM]

Oh, dear Julia, all the Internets are sending you good luck.

And, for what it's worth, this cycle seems 100% logical to me - if the miscarriages have all been caused by the translocation, and this frozen one is healthy, then why not?