Bor-heme

My name is Lucia but they call me Mimi.

I had assumed that if I was still hale and hearty after seven days of toxic Patrick koala-ing to my chest and sticking his germy fingers in my mouth I would not be succumbing to this virus. I assumed wrong.

I actually don't feel too bad, I am just hacking up a lung. Or two.

Patrick returned to preschool on Monday, having been fever-free all weekend and after assuring me he felt fine. This did not prevent him from immediately announcing to the entire room "I AM SICK! I AM STILL VERY SICK!"

"Ha ha," I said. "You're fine. You were sick but now... HE'S ALL BETTER! NOT SICK ANYMORE!NOTHING TO SEE HERE!"

I thought it was a good save but another mother still questioned me closely at pick-up re. Patrick's illness, treatment and recovery time. So help me if her child gets sick, I'm sure she will haul me up for reckless endangerment. Not that I blame her. There is nothing more annoying than someone sneaking Typhoid Tyler into the playroom but Patrick really IS all better. Granted I now sound like I should be flipping through sanatorium brochures but I am sure it is a coincidence.

Speaking of Patrick, he is obsessed with me. After years, YEARS, of finding me to be a vaguely acceptable substitute provided it could be confirmed that Steve really (really and truly) was not around, I am suddenly Woman of the Year. It's like I am the winsome barrista whose sunny smile brightens every day and Patrick is the taciturn loaner who comes in each morning for a latte he never drinks but simply holds while he stares from a corner. Steve tried to let me sleep past 7:30 this morning but Patrick's cries of outrage and bereavement made it hard to enjoy the moment of solitude.

Steve and Patrick used to have a morning routine and an after dinner routine, neither of which involved me, but for the past several months Patrick has been insisting that I make him breakfast, I play with him after dinner, I give him his bath, and I put him to bed. Is this a stage? It's killing me. I love him more than the four mighty moons of Jupiter squished together but sweet sarah goodwife let there be spaces in our togetherness!

It doesn't help that Steve was gone last weekend and he will be gone again next weekend. Oh. I didn't tell you. On Friday he is going to meet his birth brothers for the first time.

(Sensation!)

After Steve found his birthmother she gave him the information he needed to contact his birthfather, which he did about five years ago. There were a couple of emails exchanged but it eventually became obvious that the guy is not interested in pursuing any sort of relationship. So Steve let it go for a while. Then (suddenly to me but I guess he must have been thinking about it for a long time) while I was in DC with my mom he tracked down one of his birthfather's two sons and called him. After the initial shock (my Dad did which? with whom? and you are... what now?) they apparently had a terrific conversation and Steve is flying to meet up with the one and surprise (as in: "surprise! I am your previously never heard of before ever until this very second half-brother!") the other.

If you want MY opinion (although around here it is very clear nobody does) I think springing yourself like this on somebody is kinda risky. Steve, however, is positively giddy about the whole thing. I have rarely seen him so excited (Steve being the strong silent type) and it is very nice to see him all twitterpated.

Why are these biological ties so important to Steve that he is almost forty years old and still pursuing them? I truly do not know. But they are. And I respect this fact. I, for example, am fascinated by genealogy while my born into the same house raised by the same parents brother can think of few things more tedious and pointless than studying one's ancestry. He cannot even keep track of which states our great-grandparents came from or whether the family fought for the north or the south in that war of Northern Aggression.

Or, for another example, my brother likes bananas and I do not.

Apparently (and here is my pithy summation so you might want to grab a pen)... apparently people are just differently wired. So that while you might have no desire to seek your birthparents and cannot understand those who do, Steve is marginally obsessed by it*.

One can see how this complicates our reproductive decisions, yes?

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand I am going for an hsg/mock embryo transfer tomorrow as we have decided to try yet another IVF/PGD cycle. Locally this time. In April. What the hell, eh? Remind me to tell you what the decision making factors were on this one. It involved a dart board and a handful of fortune cookies.

*Steve would probably object to the word "obsessed". If I asked him. But I think it fits. So I won't.

Comments

[Christine]

Hey, our home was originally built to house the families of people in the nearby sanatorium, so if you guys need a place to crash, we've got some air mattresses and a friendly golden retriever for cuddling.

And, after our bizarre snowstorm of a week ago, we're headed back into the low 70s here. What more can you want for recuperation?

[Carrie]

Oh boy. I can't really believe Steve is going to surprise his half-brother like that, but I wish him luck. I actually have a half-sister that I found out about when my mom poked me in the arm at the pizza parlor when I was 21 and said "hey, that girl over there is your sister." My dad was not a model teenager. My sister is desperate to meet this sister and has sent her letters and such through the years but I have no burning desire to meet her. I would like to see her kid. I've seen him once at the grocery store, but didn't get a good look (another mom poke when I was least expecting it: "Hey! That's your nephew!"

[victoria]

Mimi, your life is such a soap opera. You could call it "La Boheme," but I think "As The Chromosome Turns," or "Genes and Destiny" might be more appropriate. Tell Steve to make sure the encounter with the surprised half-brother is secretly videotaped so that you can use it as a visual aid on Oprah.

[Annie]

Oh. My. Well, I hope Steve isn't the one who ends up with a surprise ... of an unpleasant kind. Some people don't do well with surprises. The unwitting half-brother could be one of them.

That's amusing how Patrick has now glommed onto you. Result of your time away from home? Absence makes the Patrick grow fonder?

And I sure hope your outcome is better than that of the original Mimi!! But if you do expire beautifully, while singing, make sure Steve videotapes it for Youtube. :)

[CharmingDriver]

Best best best luck for the reunion and the mock-cycle/future IVF. I hope your mom is recovering as well.

[Aurelia]

I'm adopted (and infertile as well), and I met my birthmother and relatives et al several years ago. Reunion was a very good experience, (A chip the size of Texas fell off my shoulder, it really did change my life.)But yes, it can be really complicated after a few years. Like all relationships, there is a honeymoon, and then a settling in. And no we don't all keep talking to each other forever, or sometimes we do...in some situations.
Tell him I'll be thinking of him, and sending him lots of good thoughts and hugs. And hey, there are a lot of adoptee blogs out there...if he ever wants to read or chat or email we're out here. ((Hugs to you both))

[Sandy]

Well I hope that you're feeling better! And good luck with all the other...

[sozzled]

I was in St Paul (as far east as I ever get it seems) and thought of calling you for drinks tonight (2 drinks and the prochoice event I was attending was OVER. who drinks only 2 drinks and then goes home???) but it is a good thing I didn't, what with you being sick and all. Plus it would have seemed stalker-ish. that and I didn't know your phone number. but it sounds like we do need an evening out....

[Sally]

So how IS your Mom, anyway?
Good luck to Steve and the brothers (sounds like a uninventive band name). I'm curious as to how the whole surprise is to take place. My suggestion: They can all be at a restaurant and Steve will pretend to be the waiter for the whole meal and then he'll ask, "Does anyone want coffee...OR A BROTHER?" At that moment, he will reach into his pocket (or his waitor apron) and produce a single streamer and throw it at the brother. That's it! I know! It's very subtle but with the kicky finish [streamer] it really makes a classy statement overall and builds that foundation for a lasting relationship.
Does he know if the brothers carry the translocation as well? I can think of some really neat ways to bring that up - just have him pack play-doh!
Seriously, good luck.
And, bananas are gross.

[Liza]

Oh, mercy. I think the only time I've ever read of Steve getting all gleeful-like was when you described his hunting process a while back. Aaaaand I have no clue what that says about the poor man :-) I agree with you on the whole risk thing but he is indeed a big boy and all that jazz...I hope that it turns out exactly as he hopes it will. As to the other, I look forward to this fortune cookie/dartboard description.

[Pam L]

Regarding Patrick's recent insistance on being with you all the time; My now 13,almost 14 yr old, adored his father at age two. I was his mother,nanny, cook, butler, but Daddy was magic and fun. Upon Daddy's return home after a long day at work without him, son would heap all his toys upon him, literally, in some sort of sacrificial adoration ceremony each night. Then at 3 suddenly only Mommy could do anything for him,hold him, etc., anything. He was going through his faze of figuring out who was who and who was he in the family and one day was talking about what would happen when he grew up. I told him the possibilities and he looked at me and said, with all sincerity , and no oedipal inclinations at all: "Wait, aren't I going to marry you?" as if this was the foregone conclusion he had running through his little noggin. Ah sweet innocent youth. I told him I would be much too old by then.

[Mellie]

Re Steve, I hope the half brother-in-the-know has the best of intentions regarding the meeting and the brother-not-in-the-know...the conversation would be sort of like, hey, meet Steve, don't you think we look enough alike to be brothers? Well, funny you should think so, because....well, here's hoping it goes well and answers whatever questions/needs he has out there. And good luck to you on you fortune cookie directed path as well.

[Mellie]

Re Steve, I hope the half brother-in-the-know has the best of intentions regarding the meeting and the brother-not-in-the-know...the conversation would be sort of like, hey, meet Steve, don't you think we look enough alike to be brothers? Well, funny you should think so, because....well, here's hoping it goes well and answers whatever questions/needs he has out there. And good luck to you on you fortune cookie directed path as well.

[Coral]

I agree with others that the 'suprise' bit sometimes falls flat (My parents are big on surprises - read 'Oh, here they go again, putting me out, two turning up instead of one, now I have to re-do the whole sleeping arrangements, etc, etc, etc). That said if you were brother one would you be able to keep that secret? I would have been on the phone immediately after Steve's first call.

Good luck with 'MET'.

[Holly]

Man, I hate Typhoid Tyler!

[Beret]

Since her birth 5 1/2 years ago my daughter has been my husband's shadow and biggest fan. Sure she likes me but Daddy is the hero. Every second he's home she's hanging out with him, Daddy's little girl in every way.

About 2 months ago all of a sudden I was star. "I want to be just like you Mommy. I just love you Mommy. Can I go shopping with you Mommy? Daddy who????" It took me by surprise and I basked in the attention. It lasted about 3 weeks and now we're back to "normal" around here.

So it was a phase, but I hope to god she goes through it again. It was wonderful.

[Sara]

Oh my, never a dull moment in the House of the Hippogriff, is there? Good luck with it all. Best of luck to a) Steve with his "surprise", b) Patrick with his newfound crush on mom, c) new in coping with Patrick's new crush, d) you all with the IVF/PGD cycle.

Drink plenty of fluids, OK? Wine is a nice fluid!

[Ruth]

Wow ... I'll be hoping for the best with the reunion. I agree with you that the whole suprise thing seems as though it would be fraught with peril, but presume that the brother-in-the-know knows his brother well enough to know if this will work, so ... well. Best of luck.

[Brooklyn Girl]

Feel better, sweet girl. How you do make me laugh....

[JennyK]

Good luck to Steve. I hope he gets the reception he's hoping for. I agree that some people are wired so that those geneological links are really important.

My grandfather was an orphan whose earliest memory was of being in a big happy family. Then he believed there was a fire and he ended up in foster care. He spent all of his spare time as an adult searching (in vain) for any inkling of who he was, where he came from, and if he had any living siblings.

After his death, I had to beg my father -- who'd been shuttled from church to church in search of baptismal records -- to request his father's records. The happy family my grandfather remembered was actually a foster home and he'd been abandoned by his unwed mother at birth before she hopped a boat back to Ireland. There was no family. There was no connection. Maybe sometimes it's better NOT to know....I'm glad he never found that out.

[giddy]

All those kids-being-choosy-about-one-parent things are phases..... mercifully! Just when you think you can't stand it anymore, Patrick will start pining for Steve's version of the bedtime routine again. (We used to have a bedtime routine with our older daughter where we'd stroke her face while she was in the crib, and she used to inform me, "Mama, Daddy does it better" and when Daddy put her to bed, she would say, "Daddy, please tell Mama, she does it wrong, and please teach her to do it better.")

My mother-in-law met her biological father only after her mother and stepfather had died--the biological father had gone off to WWII, and although the mother wrote him a letter to let him know about her pregnancy, he didn't get it. When he didn't respond she decided he wasn't interested and didn't pursue contact... Anyway, so my MIL waits until her mom DIES, and then pursues contact herself. Both her father and his wife welcomed the unknown daughter with open arms--and she did it just in time, as she only ended up having about 3 or 4 years before her dad died, though she still enjoys visiting HER stepmom (that we also consider another great-grandma to our kids!) It is the coolest thing. I hope Steve enjoys meeting his brothers as well.

[Diane]

As I tried to snuggle with him to watch Mickey Mouse this morning, my just-turned-4-year-old told me, "I love you Mommy, but can you please just go away?" That better be a phase dammit.
I thought twitterpated was a word from Bambi that meant "horny".

[Diane]

As I tried to snuggle with him to watch Mickey Mouse this morning, my just-turned-4-year-old told me, "I love you Mommy, but can you please just go away?" That better be a phase dammit.
I thought twitterpated was a word from Bambi that meant "horny".

[Melissa]

I really hope you fill us in on the brotherly reunion when Steve gets home. I have read time and again that adopted men are typically much less likely to seek out their birth families. And being someone with a full brother who was given up for adoption, Steve's excitement and motivation to find his biological family is very, very heartening... I'll probably never find my brother, but it just makes me happy that Steve is doing it. Go Steve!

As for Patrick's clinginess, I totally feel your pain (and joy). Ella's been going through the same phase. She has even started crying dramatically whenever I leave her with Matt to do things like grocery shopping. Part of me just wishes she'd get over it and the other part is constantly trying to enjoy it while she wants to give it to me. Still, I miss the days when I could sit down with a glass of wine right after doing the dinner dishes and not have to deal with bedtime. Now Ella's got us both surrounding her on her bed for stories and books. Again, I know I should just appreciate these moments.

Good luck with solo parenting duty with a cold and the next round of IVF!

[Missie]

Since you used the phrase "war of Northern Aggression", I'm going to guess your family sided with the south. And I also hate bananas. This wasn't really the point of your post, though, was it? :)

[Genevieve]

So as far as Patrick is concerned, you are "Taylor, the Latte Boy"?

[legalmama]

My father-in-law was placed in an orphanage (back when we had such places in this country) and raised by foster parents who never adopted him (and, we suspect, possibly abused him). My mother-in-law's sister also was adopted. My mother-in-law's sister always wanted to find her birth family, even though she loved very much her adoptive family, and felt that they were her "real" family. Still she wanted to know.

My father-in-law had no interest AT ALL in knowing about his biological past. He and my husband's aunt would have knock-down dragout fights about it. His attitude was, if they didn't want me, why should I want them.

So, a few years ago, out of the blue on Christmas Eve, my FIL gets a phone call from a man who it turns out is my FIL's biological half-brother. He and his brother had been searching for my FIL off and on for decades. Long story short (and believe me, this could have been even longer) my FIL arranges to meet his brother, and then to meet his other brother, and within a few weeks flies to California to attend a party of his entire extended biological family, who welcomed him with open arms. He finds out the story of his parents (long dead -- his mother committed suicide when she was a young woman, and her two sons were young boys). He finds out that, although he was placed in a Catholic orphanage, and raised a Catholic, that his parents were Jewish (we always suspected this). My FIL, who never wanted to meet his biological family, and was almost 70 when this happened, is an absolutely changed man as a result of this event. It is hard to describe what a huge impact suddenly having a biological past has had on his life. Now he had an explanation for why his mother didn't want him. I won't go into it, or this will get even longer, but it was a good explanation.

He now has a close relationship with one of his brothers and many other cousins etc. (one of whom, it turns out, is a very famous soap opera star!).

I think people just have a need for roots. Sure you can be happy without knowing what your roots are, but it must be some kind of biological urge to want to know where you came from. My FIL claimed he didn't need that, but apparently he did. He was just afraid to look for it, although he never admitted to any fear. I suspect that he couldn't bear the thought of rejection if he went searching. He feels that he has a place in this world now, and he is much more at peace.

I think it took tremendous courage for Steve to call his brother the way he did, and I think these urges become even stronger when we get older.

My husband's aunt never found her biological family, and she is fine with that, but I think she felt a little sad that it happened to my FIL, and not to her.

[Carlynn]

Love your writing. Have I ever told you that?

I'm glad you are doing another cycle. I admire you, Julia, for your equilibrium and ability to carry on a life and try for your second child. My life got lost long ago and it returns from time to time for the weekend or the week but then it gets pushed behind the menopur and syringe because DAMMIT I am going to prove to everyone that I can have a child.

So, I come to your site for inspiration on how to do it with grace and I sit here open mouthed in awe, I love your posts.

And I hope it goes well with Steve's visit.

(And I'm holding both thumbs about your doctor's visit. This has to be a numbers game and the statistics are on your side now, they have to be.)

[dianalyzer]

Wow - lots of stuff in this post. On Patrick - yes, I believe this is very much a phase and very, very much normal for Patrick's age! It is oh-so-Freudian, that I am embarrassed to mention it - because I think Freud was rather cracked. But, personal opinions of the father of psychology aside - yes, phase. My daughter - who previously had nearly nothing to do with her dad fell absolutely in love with him at the age of 4. Inseperable - and I must say, being the preferred parent for 4 years, I felt a little "kicked to the curb" even though I completely embraced my newfound freedoms without my shadow.

Same age with our son - except swap parental preference according to gender.

[Ellen]

I'm sorry but that comment that Sally made above made me snort coffee through my nose. The waiter-as-half-brother scenario was very Gob-from-"Arrested Development"-esque. (Oh, how I miss that show..... sigh.)

[rachel]

wow - I hope it goes well.

I know what side your family fought on just from the name of the war. My mind boggled the first time my (Texan) husband called it that. Let's just say that the homeschooling lessons on the Civil War will have two sides.

[shannon]

But you have also intimated that Steve's (adoptive) family wasn't all he might have hoped it would be. So I can understand. My (bio) family wasn't all I might have hoped it would be, thus I don't care at all about bio ties.

It seems like a pretty typical grass is greener issue. If my bio family was adoptive, I'd probably be twitterpated at finding some altenatives via bio ties. Instead I have been seeking out chosen family since I was about 12.

I hope my daughter likes her (adoptive) family more than Steve likes his and more than I like my bio one, but even so, I expect her to be curious about the bio members she is less acquainted with. I guess I think most of the time, it's not an all or nothing equation.

[Dooce Fan!]

The good must always be taken with the bad. Such is the way of life.