Could Be Worse

The beta was <2.

Wait. Is that less than? I always get those symbols mixed up. Less than two, though. The beta was, I mean. Which means negative. Not pregnant. F for Failed.

Being my usual sunny self I feel pretty good about the fact that, in the absence of happyhappyjoyjoy good news, at least it wasn't ectopic or one of those lingering things that never go anywhere but involve multiple blood draws or, much worse, another post-PGD pregnancy that is actually genetically abnormal.

So yay me, I guess.

When I got those faint positives over Christmas I was hopeful that maybe we would be lucky this time. As the days passed and the positives stayed faint I realized that no, nope, uh-uh, no luck, and it was disappointing. I had a good wet disgusting sob after my family had gone to bed one night while Steve hovered on the perimeter waiting to lunge in and hug me (I loathe being hugged. hugging and squishing might be different in intent but they always seem identical to me in practice). After the cry, and in spite of the hug, I felt better and I have continued to feel better ever since.

What are you going to do, eh? We tried. It didn't work. At least it was fairly quick and relatively painless. Oh well.

I just sat here for five minutes trying to decide if I know what we will do next. Next reproductively that is. The very next thing I am going to do is make dinner (ham! sweet potatoes! peas! bread*!) but beyond that... I don't know.

We have talked about

1. another superovulatory IUI (attempted: 1; pregnancies achieved: 1; pregnancies achieved that were genetically abnormal: 1) or

2. another IVF/PGD cycle (attempted: 2; pregnancies achieved: 2; pregnancies achieved that were genetically abnormal: 2) or

3. another try on our own (attempted: ~43; pregnancies achieved: 9; pregnancies achieved that were genetically abnormal: 8)

4. giving up    

Frankly, I think all of our options totally suck so I am going to leave them alone for awhile and see if any improve with age.

*I am not a very good baker but I have been trying lately. The loaves always look lovely and smell great so it is a pity when they have to be used as doorstops.

PS A propos of nothing: During the Christmas visit Steve and I were able to confirm via holmesian deduction that yes, my mother actually goes through our house flipping the toilet paper rolls around so that they pull from the bottom. Every time I think about this I laugh.

Comments

[Jen]

Sorry to hear that it's a negative.

The secret to good bread is to add more water when the dough is sticky rather than more flour.

Keep your yeast in the fridge, and when you add your water to it, add a little sugar, and don't add it to the bread until it foams and you know it's alive and well.

After you knead the dough, store it in a warm place, but not too warm. And make sure the water you use with the yeast isn't hot enough to kill the yeast.

God Bless.

[kit]

So very sorry to read your news! I'm sure I'm not the only person who's been refreshing like mad today, hoping that those faint positives had transformed into something definitive.

Have you tried the famed NYT's no-knead bread recipe? It makes the most wonderfully earthy peasant-style loaf, and is foolproof (even for someone like me who specialized in doorstops). It requires a little forethought, since you need to start it about 18 hours before you actually plan to eat it. It does keep well for a day or two, though it's best right out of the oven. And it's heavenly if you throw in a handful of fresh rosemary, a little olive oil on top with sea salt.

Thinking of you, and hoping for better days for you.

[Stacey]

SO sorry, Julia. Really.

Screw the bread. Make yourself a very strong martini.

[Teenuh]

Sorry to hear it came back negative, Julia. I had hoped you would kick off the new year with some great news.

[spacemom]

Sorry about the beta. That bites.
Hmm, sounds like your bread needs a tad bit more moisture... You can always try to add some guten. Or visualize the bread dough as someone you hate and beat the crap about of it.

[Amber]

not fair. and so sorry.

your mom makes me smile. I always WANTED to do that to the toilet paper rolls but never had the nerve.

[anne nahm]

Sorry to hear about the negative. The thing to do with hard bread? You stick it under your shirt. Then, when someone comes to hug you and you really don't want to be hug/mugged? You cram your rock hard loaf up that person's butt. In prison, they call that move the Betty Crocker. I think marital therapists have another term for it, but it's slipping my mind at the moment.

Just sayin'.

[Pam L]

I would never turn the paper rolls in someone elses house, but in mine..they HAVE to be over, not under.
Happy baking! Me, I'm just waiting for spring now and planting season.

[Erica]

CRAP! I am so sorry about the negative beta, I was so hoping this was it for you.

Your mother does WHAT? Doesn't she know that the paper hangs over the TOP of the roll?!

[Jenn]

Well, crap. As you said, it was relatively quick, but still. CRAP.

Also! Hello! I am the only person on Earth who just can not bring herself to get worked up about which way her toilet paper hangs.

[KellyH]

I'm sorry, Julia.

What IS it with people who hang the t.p. so it rolls from the bottom? That is SO wrong.

[Shandra]

I don't care how the TP hangs but I do care that you were disappointed again. Hope that you find much to enjoy while you weigh your options!

[My unlocked diary]

If anyone deserved a Christmas miracle this year it was you. So very sorry to hear things didn't work out as expected. Hope you find peace once you've decided how to proceed from here.

[Leggy]

Ugh. It could have been worse, but it could have been so much better, and you deserve so much better. I'm sorry all your options are sucky ones. I hope you find the least sucky path of all and that it works.

[MereCat]

Julia! I am so sorry. I thought for sure the waffling positives were going to fall in your favor. It's just such a drag.

[Catherine]

Damn! Your mother is as weird as mine.

[luolin]

I'm sorry about the negative, but laughing about your mother.

[Wasabi]

Ah that sucks. Sorry to hear this news and the dismal options. :-(

[Casey]

Sorry for the beta results. And the daunting decisions ahead of you. Nothing witty to say, just thinking of you.

[Country Mouse]

Just remember that it's an open mouth, lunging to eat the larger number.

So, um. You know. At least it isn't lunging to eat your beta number?

[Lena]

So sorry Julia. *gentle hug*

Ths issue of Eating Well has a phenomenal Honey Bread recipe. Easy peasy for a challenged baker such as I.

[Been there]

I have been where you are today and I want to say I am so sorry that you have been through this more times than anyone deserves to

[jet lagged]

I’m sorry. It was a good idea and it deserved to work.

I have no bread-making tips for you, I’m afraid. I haven’t cooked dinner, let alone baked bread, for years.

I do have some reproductive suggestions though, since you asked (or didn’t ask, but you have a blog comments section, which is tantamount to asking for advice).
I’d go with option 1. This should, in theory, give you the best odds. And you, or rather your too-conservative doctors, didn’t really give it a fair chance last time. My other piece of easy-to-give, but impossible-to-follow advice is to detach yourself from the process, dose up on anti-sickness drugs and try not to think about the result until the CVS.

For the sake of completeness, here are my pearls of wisdom about the other options:
Option 2 clearly doesn’t work. I’m amazed that you’ve handled those results with so much patience.
Option 3 is possible, but why go with that when you can compress the process with option 1?
Option 4? Nah. Don’t give up if you don’t want to. For what it’s worth, I don’t think you’re crazy for wanting to continue.

There! All clear now?

Best of luck with whatever you decide.

[Sally]

I'll go with the sentiments of your last heading - Bleh.

[Sara]

Ugh. I'm sorry. Got an IVF negative myself today, so while our situations are different, I am nonetheless feeling your pain in a fairly direct way. I plan to open the wine at precisely 5:01 today, drink a medicinal glass, and repeat until I feel better. Would you like me to drink until you feel better too?

Regarding your options-yup. Sucks all around. Hopefully when aged, one of them will have just that right touch of je-ne-sais-quoi to leap off of the page at you and tell you what to do.

Jenn-nope, I don't care about the tp either. In fact, I have no idea which way mine pulls right now, and I'm positive that I load it up in a completely random manner.

[owlhaven]

Dang.

Sorry.

Mary

[Tara]

I'm very sorry to hear about the negative. You always amaze me with your ability to find humor in such seriously awful circumstances...picturing Steve "hovering on the perimeter" and your mother flipping the T.P. around put a smile on my face.

[Emily]

I'm sorry. Really, really sorry.

[Linda]

I'm sorry, Julia, but you should know that toilet paper is meant to pull from the bottom.

[Jill]

I'm hoping you are glad you tried, even though it didn't work. Thinking of you...

[Beth]

Well, that sucks. I'm sorry.

[Rhonda]

Well, fuck.

I'm sorry.

[akeeyu]

F for failure?

No, no. I believe at this point you are automatically awarded an E for Effort. This is not nearly as good as a B for Baby, but what the fuck.

[terri c]

I am so sorry, Julia.

[Maren]

Dude. Damn. Excuse my utter ineloquence on this point.

[Annie]

Aw, jeez. That sucks. But good on you for having a good big wail and getting past that. FWIW, I think your method of just waiting until one of your options suddenly seems like the right one is perfectly sound. Let your subconscious do the work for a change.

TP: We are strictly over-the-top in this household. But it cracks me up that anyone in this world would actually go to someone else's house and surreptitiously change the TP direction.

[SheilaC]

I am so sorry for this latest loss. And so sorry that your choices are so difficult too. I think you and Steve will know what you want to do, with time, and I wish you all the best with whatever you choose to do.
Happy 2007, Patrick!

[Sandy]

I'm sorry Julia.

[Boulder]

Ok, I'm going to go against the flow of "aw, I'm sorry!" type of comment, and ask the following because I can't help myself. (My apologies.)

Wouldn't less than 2 be 1? I mean, I've never rec'd a beta that is a fraction, and given that, and that the only whole number between zero and 2 is 1...

I know I just explained something that Patrick could do over a snack, but I'm trying to grasp why the lab would qualify it as less than 2 - as opposed to 1, or negative.

In any case, I'll be wishing you well as you weigh your options, but you know I'm a fan of #1 (even with your clinic's waffling on the protocol late in the game a second time in the mix.)

[swissmiss]

I'm sorry it was negative, but relieved for you that, as you say, it wasn't some long drawn out ordeal. Other than the waiting 18 days for the test, that is, which is an even longer wait than here and I didn't think anybody could do anything more slowly than the Swiss.

Boulder, the lab my doctor uses gives a < 5 result, though I admit that is different than < 2 because there's the chance of 4, 3, etc, but at some point I think the lab just doesn't care to be exact anymore.

I can't believe your mother flips the toilet paper rolls! I'll admit that I flip them if my husband puts one on wrong (I'm a must roll from the TOP kind of girl myself), but it's my house. I'd never flip somebody else's roll.

[Chickenpig]

I may be totally ignorant, I know that Steve is against adoption, but why not donor sperm? If you were having these problems due to poor response, or rising FSH, or low egg reserve etc you would think of donor eggs. My husband was against ds too, until we had a miscarriage, ONE miscarriage, and his thinking shifted because he didn't want me to suffer through multiple miscarriages. Thankfully, we didn't have to go that route (our problem was more along the can't fertilize variety than the embryo won't live variety, although we had some of that thrown in too) but if this FET hadn't worked, or ended in a loss, darn tootin my "dear" husband and I would have had a loooong chat. It certainly isn't an easy decision, or the right one for everyone, but it's hard enough for us here in the internet to watch you suffer through miscarriages and uncertainty, it must be terribly hard for your husband to see you suffer through it.

[Brooklyn Girl]

Wishing the news had been different.

[jenny]

That bites the big one. I'm glad you aren't going through a long ordeal with this one.

And the TP flipping: that would drive me bonkers.

[lynn]

Ugh, so sorry. I secretly hoped the faint positives would work in your favor too.

The toilet paper flip is the kind of thing that I would get confrontational about when a guest is the culprit, even (maybe especially) if it were a relative. You're a better woman than me.

[Becky]

Sorry about your bad news. I know what ever decision you make it will be the correct one for you and your family.

As to the TP, I certainly don't care how people hang mine. However, when my husband goes so far as to leave the bathroom, go to the other bathroom (where we keep the TP), bring a fresh roll back, and set it on top of the roller (instead of actually replacing it on the roller), I admit to being baffled (and a tad annoyed).

[Toni]

I, too, was hoping for the Christmas wish for you.

Sadly, I've been your mother. My husband just randomly puts the toilet paper in whenever he happens to replace it (usually it's just an empty roll and no spare when I need the paper!). I run around and fix them.

[scissorbill]

Here's my assvice: Get your hands on a copy of The Bread Book by Rose Levy Beranbaum and work your way through the recipes. Forget trying to get pregnant and enjoy your family. And bread!

You are a true inspiration to anyone who's suffered from RPL. I wish you all the best.

[Jen]

i think you get points for not going with option 4 ages ago.

[Vanessa]

Julie I'm so sorry. I agree with Jen, many points for not jumping on option four a long, long time ago. I'm afraid I may have.

[Lily]

What about Option 2a?

Doing a PGD cycle somewhere other than the Grove.

Maybe consider Cornell because they are the best embryo-handlers, culturers, and biopsy'ers in the game.

The obvious answer is money -- but they really are leaps and bounds better than everybody else.