Bender

Real post pending but I am wondering about Patrick's sudden penchant for red lipstick, necklaces and smoothing his hair down with water.

"I want to make sure I look nice," he explained after carefully and secretly applying my reddest of harlot red lipsticks to the lower third of his face, just moments prior to departing for the indoor playground.

Patrick has never been one for dress up and as long as he is wearing two mismatched socks he doesn't care what else he has on. He actively dislikes goggles, glasses, hats, hoods and costumes of all kinds. Halloween kinda baffles him. And yet he has now attended two preschool birthday parties in a row wearing one of my necklaces: first an elaborate amethyst topaz and garnet choker of which I am inordinately fond and not remotely interested in sharing with my son but he cried and I caved, and most recently a short string of fake pearls. With a rugby shirt and his LL Bean alphabet pants. Patrick "Coco" Hippogriffs, I presume. 

Seriously, does this sound normal?

Don't get me wrong, it's completely fine with me. Steve and I don't care if he wants to run around in a tiara with no pants and a jet pack (liberals, you know, with strongly held beliefs concerning the individual, the State, tiaras and jet packs) but I do worry about him being teased. He is already the kid who brought an octohedron for the Letter O day show-and-tell, must he now also be 42 inches of Lauren Bacall? Isn't the mixture a little... rich?

I think Patrick is funny and charming and endlessly creative and he seems to be grooving on lipstick and pearls. I want to just let him be. But I also don't want him to be humiliated.

I honestly do not know what my role here is supposed to be. The voice of societal reason? The wind beneath his pretty gossamer wings?

So I'm asking you. What do you think? Should a four and a half year old boy be sporting Maybelline Royal Red?

Oh. And when he plasters his hair down with water like that he looks like a blond Gomez Adams. Not working for me.

So that's gotta go regardless. 

Comments

[Toni]

I think the real question is - why do YOU have red lipstick? :)

I have girls - so I have no advice about boys. My sister's son liked to wear a pink hat and walked around for years with bracelets on. He's just fine and outgrew the stage around 5ish. So maybe this is a stage?? My almost 4 year old daughter wants Spiderman on her birthday party invitations - I'm hoping that one fades before we have to buy them.

I love the visuals though :)

[Audrey]

Well, if it makes you feel any better, my friend's 4 year old insists his underwear be called "panties".....

[Lesley]

I don't know. I'm just as confused as you are. My 2 year old has been teased by his dad's friends lately for wearing toenail polish.

[sozzled]

as difficult as it may be (especially to share your choker) I'd say let it go. He will come to the same conclusion in his own time. But be sure to take lots of pictures because when the phase ends you'll want to look back fondly on it :-)

[LB]

My 4 year old used to love to dress up like a girl when playing with his sister, but I notice lately he wants to be a boy. He's not above a little nail polish though!! And a good friend of ours was famous for wearing and making jewelry. When he was 4 or 5, beading fancy necklaces was his absolute favourite thing to do and he'd often wear several to daycare. His parents were worried in the same way as you are...didn't mind the behaviour for itself, but didn't want him to be picked on for being the only boy in first grade wearing pearls. He is 7 now and is past the stage but he still likes things that are nice and sparkly. He has a rock polisher and likes to collect rocks.

I would say that you should just let Patrick go through this stage and not make a fuss, while at the same time trying to figure out what he gets from it and offering a substitute that will fill his need without making him a bully magnet. Is he loving the sparkliness (try rock collection)...or is he into putting on a role (try boy dressup)...or maybe he is wanting to have some flashier clothing options so he can make a creative statement with his look (try shirts with dragons on them - or maybe for Patrick, letters).

[Victoria]

I have to nicely disagree with "soddled" above that that all kids come to the conclusion on their own that they shouldn't do these things. Quirky kids do not. My advice is that you should indeed be the voice of societal reason. Our rule is that these things are "Okay at home, but not okay away from home."

[Megan]

I don't feel qualified to give parenting advice but this reminded me of a French film that came out in 1997 called "Ma Vie en Rose." Not that it is directly relevant to Patrick or this situation whatever. But in any case it's worth a watch and should be findable in a movie rental place near you...

[Jenny]

No, it's not normal. You don't have a clue??? Why are you trying so desperately to have more children? You need some guidance on parenting the one you have. It wouldn't be right to let a 4 year old girl wear lipstick, much less a boy. Grow a spine.

[nate]

No real advice, although BitchPhD has a number of posts on how she's dealt w/ this sort of thing w/ her son, who occasionally likes painted fingernails.

But my best friend just sent me a picture of *her* 4 1/2 y.o. son w/ the lower half of his face in bright red lipstick. So I think it may be a normal phase. Hmm. Don't the parenting gurus like Dr. Spock or Dr. Brazelton have anything on this?

[Sam]

My ten year old son went more for the painting of the nails at that age and still requests a pedicure occasionally. Your darling will either cave to peer pressure (unlikely given his personality) or continue to do what he likes when he likes it. Be liberal. Please. The voice of societal reason should be quieted in cases like these. Shhh! It doesn't hurt anyone unless you choose to instill shame in your child for expressing himself.

[Julie]

Suck it, Jenny.

And tell Patrick I said, "Rock on, Zsa Zsa."

[V]

I don't know from experience with my own child, but it sounds like normal experimentation. I was still hoping to change from girl to boy at age five, and I turned out pretty normal.

Here's what Dr. Greene has to say: http://www.drgreene.org/body.cfm?id=21&action=detail&ref=114

[tc]

Hmm, see, if I had a daughter that age, I wouldn't let her wear lipstick out of the house either. I'd just tell Patrick that wearing makeup out is for older people, but he'd be welcome to play dress-up with it. The pearls, whatever.

I'm sort of horrified that I'm echoing anything in Jenny's comment, whose tone and substance I otherwise totally disagree with.

[Andrea]

Let him be. It's a charming phase. They like bright and shiny, they like to play dress up, and they like to embellish; no lily is too gilded when you are four.

He may get teased, but it's not as likely as you might think at 4, and if it happens, well, it was bound to happen sometime. You'll console him and tell him what little jerks they are, that he should be proud to express his individuality and sense of style, and he'll probably leave your jewelry alone in the future.

[Beth]

Sam said it well. It's normal. Not every kid will explore along these lines, but plenty do -- Patrick is in good company. Despite the thick soup of socially constructed gender norms (so-called) at which we sup, a great many children and adults challenge that soup every day. More power to them, I say!

Then again, one of my kids is transgendered, and my stepfather is biologically intersex and socially male (for the most part), so **shrug** I'm pretty relaxed about this sort of thing.

[Ollie]

Patrick has always been eccentric, so this doesn't surprise me. My brother did that too. His name is Don, and he dressed in my clothes and hair ornaments and we called him Donna that day. Never amounted to anything other than a really awesome blackmail picture.

If it does amount to something with Patrick, like Julie said, "Rock on, Zsa Zsa!"

Jenny, what vitreol! A bit excitable, aren't we?

[Mellie]

Oh, the pearls! I might find myself limiting the fine jewelry to events that you attend as well--even though he is a very responsible 4 1/2 year old he may give them to the next hot 5 year old he meets. Plus-if he is belittled for his fashion choice, you'll at least be there to keep an eye on things. I'm not there yet in terms of boy behavior--my step son was always wary of doing anything that made him look like a girl but he's ultra conformist. My cousin used to wear those hooded towels and pretend that he had long hair though, and he is pretty much ok now...

[TheLuckyGal]

I agree with the commenter that said "suck it Jenny" only I would add something meaner. I would agree with Victoria ... in a few years. For now, I agree with everyone who said "normal!" Four-year-olds - boys and girls - love to dress up and are still working out gender roles. I'll bet there are some equally fantasmagorical get-ups at school and parties among his set. Fantasmagorical? I can't claim I came up with it myself. My daughter's friend William's dad used it to describe MY kid - who wore a long white ballet skirt and NEEDED glitter in her hair for a bowling party a few weeks ago.

[Aurelia]

Totally normal...except pink gloss is more in style right now, as opposed to royal red.

Get him Maybelline Shiny.licious Lolly-Pink and set him loose. The world will never know what hit them.

XX

[jemyr]

Wish I spoke from experience but here is a good article that is similar to Dr. Greene's:

http://www.drspock.com/faq/0,1511,642,00.html

Basically says from 4-6 kids try mimicking the other sex.

I have such a good time reading this blog. I feel all kinds of prepared for the next couple of years.

Re: Jenny. The comment was so over the top I feel like it must be a joke. Guess not. Where do these people come from?

[bj]

He just likes you -- I don't worry about this kind of thing at all. Yeah, kids may tease. If he cares, he'll stop doing it when they do. My 3 yo boy has started to care about girl/boy things. It's powerful, that pre-school peer pressure. I'm not going to fight the system, but I'm also not going to worry about when he says he wants to wear lavender sweatpants.

[Elizabeth]

My two year old son loves to run around with mardi gras beads on, gets mad when I am wearing more jewelry than he is and has a habit of putting my underwear on his head when I am trying to put the laundry away. My sister has started making him manly looking bracelets and he loves every one of them. I let him put on lip balm instead of my lipstick since he is too young to know the difference. Since I am the primary care giver I think he looks to me for what you do since when Dad is around he copies Dad too. I figure he will grow out of wanting to copy me, find his own way of doing things and move on to other, even more worrying things...

[liz s]

"Suck It Jenny!" sums is it up pretty well. Victoria can suck it too as far as I'm concerned.

Your son is normal, wonderful and I wish I could spend a day with him.

Don't squash any of his creativity!

He will be who he is and that is just perfect.

[Kate]

It's normal. My brother did it. My cousin did it. My five year old son did it. My 2.5 year old daughter is now trying to be a boy.

Truthfully I let my kids where what they want when we leave the house UNLESS I really need them to look neat or nice. And if they are wearing something society has deemed inappropriate then we have a talk and I warn then that maybe someone might say something. But ultimately it is their decision. Have kids said things to my son? Yes and he ignores them. It doesn't bother him and I think it is beyond cool that peer pressure isn't freaking him out!

[Jessica]

When my brother was five, we dressed him in a pink Tinkerbell fluff dress and red lipstick + blue eyeshadow. I have pictures to prove it. My brother loved it. Mom thought it was hilarious. He also went through a stage where he was in love with a fake "diamond" ring of mine and always wanted to wear it.

No, I have not shown those pictures to his girlfriend that he hopes to marry, and won't has long as he pays me every month. :)

[Alison]

Huh, Jenny : You're an a** hole & I hope you don't have any children, cause if you do I'm gonna send my daughter & her Big Red Cowboy boots over to kick your stupid, close minded a**.
Thank you & good night.

[Coral]

The lip balm comment was good, I was going to suggest a very light lipstick, 'yours; but he can use it'.

(Jenny doesn't have kids, that is obvious. Poor thing hasn't gone thru' this with her own)!

You are doing a lovely job, don't make Patrick conform too much, he must make his own decisions. Only one kid will have to tease him once, and it will stop.

[SheilaC]

Totally normal behaviour for the preschool age group, and harmless too. Go for it! Except maybe for your good necklace.
You could get him some cheap dress-up jewellery at your local dollar store, and some lip balm, the kind in a twist tube. My son got a Lightning McQueen one recently that he loves. (He's 6 1/2 now.)

[Amy]

Totally, 100% normal. Either he will grow out of it - or he won't. He will be fine.

Preschool is all about learning how to get your needs met and figuring out social skills. If he gets teased and it bothers him he'll figure it out. Other kids might join him!

Plus, it sounds like he is all about the sparkly. Just like Finding Nemo! What kid wouldn't be entranced!

[Annie]

Okay, I'm going to be a little old-fashioned here, but I think it would be totally reasonable to tell Patrick, even at age 4, that there are some things we play dress-up with at home that are not suitable to be worn to school. I think it is reasonable for kids to learn that there is a time and place for everything. We don't poop in the middle of the playground; we save it for the bathroom. We don't jump up and start yelling while the teacher is talking; we save that for the playground. *You,* as an adult, don't wear your tiara and long velvet gown to the office; you save that for New Year's Eve. And it is likewise not suitable for Patrick to wear pearls and red lipstick to school; that's for dress-up at home.

That said, I agree with the poster who said that Patrick may be bored with his everyday wardrobe and just want some more pizzazz in his everyday clothes. Some glitter rock 'n roll tees or something might do the trick ....

Oh, and Jenny? What a rude, cranky person you must be. Lighten up.

[Drowned Girl]

My boy is such a BOY, really into climbing, fighting, cars and taking things to pieces. But he has a little makeup bag from his godmother, and he likes to wear jewellery too (tiara)

So I wouldn't worry. If he gets teased and doesn't like it, he'll curb his urges, sadly.

[Drowned Girl]

Mine is just 4, btw. And he has long hair. When I say he needs it cut else he'll get teased, he laughs and says his dad his long hair too (true)

So I figure, it's not up to me to worry he'll get teased and force things on him. He'll make his own way. Plenty of time for him to knuckle down to what society expects, later.

And Jenny, your comments are very cruel, but you must know that!

[Flippy]

~Our rule is that these things are "Okay at home, but not okay away from home."~ (no italics allowed in comments?)

Victoria, it's dress-up, not masturbation. I'd give him kid-safe (meaning: things you don't worry about him ruining) versions of the stuff he wants to wear, but other than that, let him have fun. The world could use more people who don't give in to "societal" pressures when it comes to harmless stuff. We don't have to be cookie cutter versions of each other.

[marta]

For non-school leisure time, I would probably buy my daughter a nice children necklace, resistant and cheap. This way, she wouldn't be a mini-adult but a dressed up child. I think I would do the same if it was a boy. In Barcelona, a boy with a necklace wouldn't be shocking, I don't know in your state.

Personally, I don't like children with make up or toe polish, so I would discourage it vehemently. You could end compromising and stating some kind of rules: a discreet shade of lipstick, and only on family-holiday or only once in a while. I think Patrick will have to learn to navigate these waters also, and deal with other kids criticism if that's the case.

(I understand that the make up and necklaces are in out-of-school time, isn't it? For me, costumes, necklaces, toys or make up for school would be a definitely no-no, for practical reasons: arguments with other kids wanting to play with them, possibility of breaking or staining them, etc.)

[Izabela]

It seems that every little girl wears nail polish on their toenails here. I couldn't understand the trend until mine decided that cutting toenails is out. I wonder how mothers of boys do it. That is, mothers of the boys that don't wear it.

[Boulder]

Many of my friends kids Patrick's age do similar things. I think it is entirely unexceptional. In fact, I have a picutre right now on my hard drive of a friend's "metrosexual" 4 year old son wearing princess pumps, a feather boa, and his camouflage pants, all while sporting a tiara and a mighty fine pedicure.

Also, with regards to wearing your jewels, why not get Patrick a few of his own to wear when he'd like? Kids here wear leather necklaces with a shark's tooth, puka shell necklaces, etc. You know, kind of like what an adult male surfer might sport (though I far from the ocean!). I'm guessing that 4 isn't the safest age to consider something that wouldn't break if it were to get caught, like leather, but puka shells or something strung on a thread might work.

You could even go to a bead shop and hunt some "boy" treasures out & spend time making a few necklaces with him.

PS - See you next Tuesday Jenny.

[e]

I"ll echo anyone who says is sounds utterly normal. We have pictures of my son at various ages sporting a variety of get-up ranging from dressing like a bona fide girl for the day to utter drag queen. I don't consider it a problem at all- it would only be a problem for Patrick if people made unkind comments to him at preschool. After preschool is *not* the office, nor even school, no matter what some people may have suggested further up. It is intended to represent a gentle transition between home and school, not be full-blown corporate America, and I'm assuming no uniform regulations, so why the heck should the little mite not wear what he likes? I'll bet they have a dressing-up box there anyway.

My friend's son developed a lasting fascination with ladies' shoes at about 2, still loves to wear sequinned things and high heels for fun, and he is now 8. He is just an average, happy little boy, boyish in most respects.

I wouldn't worry about it at all personally. Either it's a phase he'll grow out of in a few weeks/ months, or it's not a phase and that is just part of who he is. Either way, there's little you can do about it without shaming him needlessly.

[Karen from Chookooloonks]

I'm probably not a good one to voice my opinion here, because I'm pretty strict with my daughter Alex, however --

I let Al run around in whatever she wants to run around in -- at home. She knows that when it's time for us to leave the house, her bitch of a mother is going to make her take the costumes off, and put on something more mainstream. So far, she hasn't protested -- but she's a pretty easy-going kid.

As far as whether or not Patrick is "normal" to play with these things -- frankly, who cares? Patrick has proved himself to be a pretty exceptional kid -- and a delightful one, at that. With his bright, creative mind, it's probably a phase; however, if it isn't, like you, I'm a pretty screaming liberal mydamnself, and it wouldn't bother me a whit. It's not something I'd trip on.

Hope that helps, and I didn't say anything too unsolicited!

K.

[Dana]

To echo the words of the wise, suck it Jenny.

Lesley - I hope you don't let your husbands friends get away with teasing your 2 year old (adults? picking on a child? for nail polish? really? wow. somebody needs to feel all superior and manly. somebody isn't comfortable with their masculinity. damn.)

As for Patrick - well, if it helps at all, I took some photos recently at my daughter's 2nd birthday party. One of them is of her almost 5 year old brother climbing the slide with pink fairy wings on. Awesome blackmail material in about 11 years. Totally normal. Totally.

[Amy S]

I remember you saying awhile back that Patrick has recently become glued to your side. In the past it was something about you being chopped liver and Steve being king of pancakes. Now . . . you have all the cool stuff including accessories. Sounds like it is a natural extension of this phase to me.

[Swistle]

I don't have strong opinions on this. I think I would disallow the lipstick, mostly because it stains, and I think I would use two reasons when I said why he couldn't: the staining, and also that lipstick is for teenagers and adults. I would say he could wear it sometimes for dress-up, but not out and about until he was older. But if I were out and about and saw that someone else had made a different call on this issue, I wouldn't be all shocked and appalled.

My oldest son has always been interested in my nail polish, and what I do is let him wear it on his toenails. I told him that when he's older he can decide for himself if he wants to wear it on his fingernails.

I guess in general when I have to explain complicated issues like this to children, and if I want to come down on the "no" side for some reason, I tend to emphasize that when they're older they can decide for themselves.

[Chickenpig]

The gender bender stuff is perfectly normal for a 4 year old. We had a boy at work that insisted to be pregnant every day at school, and would walk around with dolls up his shirt all day. He did this, off course, because his mom was pregnant, and at this age the kids, boys and girls, want to be most like the parent they are with most of the day. By 5 or 6 boys start to gravitate back to their fathers. However, I totally agree with not letting a 4 year old wear makeup except for dress up. You should also never allow a child to wear YOUR lipstick, or an adult for that matter, but especially not a 4 year old...very germy. Give him his own for dress up purposes if you want to stay healthy.

[wookie]

Personally, I don't let the kids play dressup or wear dressup things outside the house. And I've got all girls. I can really see where you're coming from with the teasing, because even the most self-assured of kids don't need that.

My cousin did let her (then) 2 year old wear a hard-hat and cape for almost 3 months straight... to church, to the grocery store, etc. etc. When he was 4 it was a cowboy hat that I had given him, but by then she'd convinced him that it couldn't leave home (he still wore it in the bath and too bed).

That being said, for dressup pretty much anything goes, as long as it is respectful of other peoples property (ie- sure, wear moms lipstick IF she gave you permission).

If there's something sensory going on with his lipstick habit, let him have some clear chapstick... that should be a similar texture on his face and won't cause strange looks when you go out.

Good luck!

[Ersza]

It sounds normal, but I would not let him wear the lipstick out of the house. Some boys that age are already very aware of sex differences and will pounce on that as teasing-fodder, or just privately conclude that Patrick is too weird to play with. I would discourage the necklaces, too, although gently, never letting on that it has anything to do with girls/boys. The novelty of the jewelry will no doubt wear off, and then you can quietly put it away, to be used only for at-home play sessions.

[Sue]

My six year old girl likes to wear dresses, in the winter, in Michigan, to school. We compromise, and she wears pants under the dress, and looks very nice. (Dress is hort enough not to be a problem for gym.)

I put my two year old boy in a dress sometimes, just for giggles, and of course pictures. Especially if Daddy didn't want to change that last diaper.

I think that by denying little things, they become big things. Unless you make a big deal of it most phases will pass.

Notice how Jenny didn't link to her blog? Can you imagine how many new visitors she would have, and the helpful comments we might have left?

[Random Stuff]

We were only alowed real lipstick on Christmas and Easter, otherwise we had Bonnie Bell lip smakers. He sounds like he'd understand if you explained that lipstick was for only the most special occasions. As far as the necklaces, go to the store and let him pick out a piece of kids jewelry or costume jewelry. I worked with 3-5 yearolds at a summercamp for three summers and many of them came in with plastic necklaces, bracelets and rings, girls and boys, eventually they would just get in the way of play and they'd take them off. Which is also why you might want to get Patrick his own stuff, that way he won't lose yours.

[Caroline]

I had to chuckle at Jenny's comments. Grow a spine? Has she ever spent longer than, oh, say, seven seconds in the same room with a smart, stubborn preschooler hell-bent on getting his/her way? You can spend all day fighting, or you can spend your time parenting and worrying about the big stuff. Being bullied is big stuff. Wearing lipstick is not. Patrick could just as easily decide he wants to be a dog and wear a leash and howl all day, and I bet Jenny wouldn't have a problem with THAT. So now the question is, what are you comfortable with and what can you handle while you wait for him to grow out of this and turn his attention to some other obsession. And that garnet choker sounds fab. Wish I had one. There's lots of great advice here, I'm not going to second it just to hear myself talk (type?), so I'm sure you'll find what works for you.

[Ellie]

I think it happens, but I think encouraging it is a mistake. Children dont wear lipstick period, so why let a little boy do so when he can dress up in other ways? Its fine to be supportive of exploratory behavior but since you are already dealing with bullying issues, you might want to avoid the day Patrick announces that "mama lets me wear lipstick at home"...

[Carin]

I don't think I would let him wear the lipstick or your jewelery out of the house. Sorry, that I don't agree with the majority. I would buy him some chapstick and let him wear that whenever he wants. As far as jewelery there's plenty of options that he could wear instead of wearing your good jewelery. I do think it's a phase and if I could steer my child from any further teasing, I would try to find suitable alternatives.

[Carin]

I don't think I would let him wear the lipstick or your jewelery out of the house. Sorry, that I don't agree with the majority. I would buy him some chapstick and let him wear that whenever he wants. As far as jewelery there's plenty of options that he could wear instead of wearing your good jewelery. I do think it's a phase and if I could steer my child from any further teasing, I would try to find suitable alternatives.