In Lieu

I had an epiphany as I read the comments on the last post. Would you like to know what that epiphany was?

I need to stop worrying about Patrick so much.

I worry that Patrick will be teased. I worry that Patrick will be lonely. I worry that Patrick will be ostracized. I worry that Patrick will be unhappy. I worry, oh how I worry.

But you know what? Patrick is fine. He's fantastic. He is sunshine and lollipops in unpaired socks. Patrick likes preschool and he likes the indoor playground and he likes his classes at the Y. Whenever he sees other children playing he will race right over. Granted he doesn't always know what to do once he is standing there, but he is learning. He is happy when we have kids over to play (I did it! I promised I would make an effort to arrange more play dates and I did!) and he is happy when he spends the afternoon bumming around the house building eight headed Lego men and doing math. He is loved and loving and we think he is great. More importantly, he thinks he is great too.

Someday someone will tease Patrick about something. Someone will hurt his feelings, someone will not want to be his friend and someone will inevitably break his heart. When I worry about him I think I want to spare him from all that, but do I really? Would I have wanted to be protected from all of the exquisite anguish I have ever suffered after taking emotional risks? Of course not.

What does this have to do with lipstick? Nothing. Everything. I have decided it is only fair to prepare him a little if he is going to do something really outre but beyond that... I need to have a little faith in him. Do I crumble when odd, angry people type out their aggressions on my blog? No, I laugh heartily looking bronzed and fit and, if the comment is especially bizarre, I call my mother so she can laugh too. Does Patrick quail when people repeatedly tell him he has on one brown sock and one green one and ask if he made a mistake? No, he just says he likes it that way. 

Regardless, the lipstick thing seems to have been a one-time deal. Or maybe we just haven't been invited to fancy enough parties lately. Heaven knows I don't put on make-up and jewels for anything less myself.

++

Steve met his birth brothers this weekend and by all accounts it was really really great. The one who knew about him picked him up at the hotel and together they met the one who had no clue at a wine bar. It took me about four days of confused questioning to finally understand why Steve wanted to focus on the Surprise! part of the surprise. He was never able to articulate this fact, but I ultimately concluded that Steve felt awkward and nervous and was hoping a little razzle-dazzle might attract attention away from his own emotions.

Steve wound up showing the unwitting brother photographs from forty years ago. "Do you know who that is?" he asked. "It looks like my father," the guy replied. "Yes," Steve said, "he's mine too."

SURPRISE!

Then they all went out for sushi and sake.

The brothers were so kind and accepting and welcoming that I feel all warm and gooey just writing about it. Steve spent a wonderful weekend getting to know them and at the end they sent him home with CDs and DVDs for himself and stickers for Patrick.

He's happy.

++   

Why is it that every time I need to start a period by a certain date in order to do some infertility whatnot my body inevitably screws with me? Right now I have no idea if I am about to start a new cycle tomorrow or if I haven't even ovulated yet. And I am supposed to begin birth control pills this week for the IVF cycle (which is actually coming up pretty soon, all things considered) but that was predicated upon a belief that my cycle would be normal. It's hard to believe my ovaries could be this high-strung when the rest of me is so laid-back.

++

And I SWORE I wouldn't touch this one but... if Patrick grows to be a bright funny happy healthy and gay or transgendered adult Steve and I would consider ourselves exceedingly blessed by having a bright funny happy healthy normal son.

Period.

Comments

[Ali]

Awesome post. I stayed away from the comments on the last post--but have to say that you have handled all the weirdo/homophobic comments with grace.

[Sara]

De-lurking to clap loudly about your final paragraph. I love what you said and how you said it!

[Lisa V]

The last paragraph. Completely true.

[Denise]

Wait. You let him run around in unmatched socks? I am compelled to call your parenting skills into question.

I'm really happy that Steve's reunion went well.

[AMY]

BRAVO!!!!BRAVO!!!!!

[Beth]

Bodies! I swear! Wishing you the best this coming cycle ...

[Swistle]

I stay away from the topic, too, because I already know what the opposing view is and I don't like to have to hear it anymore--but I am completely in agreement with you on it, and just wanted to say so.

[Blaine]

And with that, I say, GOOD FOR YOU!!!!!

[sorenson]

Oh thank you Julia, thank you thank you thank you.

[karyn]

For what it's worth: unmatched socks are totally the RAGE here where I live. Apparently some of the kids swtich shoes with each other too and have mismatched shoes, but for the most part it is all about the non-matching socks, the wilder pattern the better.

I live about eight hours north of you, so maybe Patrick is just feeling the midWest/Northern fashion vibe.

[Amy]

Patrick is so lucky to be growing up in your loving, caring, and accepting home! You and your family rock!

[Sandy]

Well Patrick is certainly in good company...My daughter Sara will be 6 in March and for the past 4 1/2 of those years, she has demanded that her socks NOT match. It's her thing. She rocks it.

Much like you do with your post.

[Sunny]

Wonderful. I'm glad it all worked out in your head. (If your head is anything like mine, that was something of a feat.)

Thank you for being a light.

[Crystal]

If wearing lipstick, bras, dresses, heels, or other accoutrements de femme are a prediction of future sexual/gender identity, we're someday destined to have the three most FABULOUS boys ever. Full stop.

Literally. The little ones see me putting on something as simple as some kind of lip protectant, and say "Mom, SHARE! I want to be Fabulous too! (having a teen girl in the home has added a new dimension to the whole thing - did I mention my daughter's adoptive parents sent her to live with us last year?).

And if they're gay, transgendered, or in other ways what is colloquially referred to as "queer", so be it. They're my boys, whatever shape they take. They don't change.

While I concur it's good to let them learn, I'll reiterate that it's important to watch identity-skewing incidents, or potentially abusive ones. Read: the reason said 18 year old daughter is living with us instead of on her own or in college.

[Boulder]

Love it all.

Well, except for the misbehaving ovaries.

[franglaise]

I have to clap too.

Fantastic!

[Miz S]

Good God. I got sucked into reading all those comments on the last post and now I'm going to be late for work.

[Celeste]

Do Steve's brothers have the same fertility problem with their sperm? If not, would it be an option to discuss donor sperm from one of them?

I hope this doesn't sound brazen. I just never knew he had brothers and this made me wonder if it could bypass some of his issues about anonymous donor sperm or adoption.

[amber]

guess I need to go back & read the comments, evidently I have missed something yet again.

I think you should start worrying about how you will spend all the money Patrick is sure to make, as I suspect he is going to be extremely successful in whatever he chooses to do.

great kid. leave him alone. he is just perfect, the way God made him. :)

[Dee]

All good news.

You do have me still worrying a bit, on your behalf, about the bullyboy. How did that ever come out?

[Jen]

AMen sistah!

[j]

Wow. Great post. I wish all GLBT people had parents like you. Patrick is much loved little boy. Or girl. Whatever.

[Pam L]

Good for you , Julia. When I saw all those many, and sometimes hugely dramatic, posts on the last subject I thought, "I wonder if Julia knew she would ignite such a flame about sucha little topic." Glad you can see the humor. The surprise thing? , it's big with my husband too. Everything has to be a surprise. He hasn't any long lost brothers to meet but gets very upset if I let something out of the bag that I didn't know was in one. Go figure.

[Kristine]

Julia, you rock! Patrick is one lucky boy to have you for a mom!

This morning when I dropped my son off at daycare one of the little girls was playing dressup and she asked my son if he wanted to dress up like a princess with her. He said no, he wanted to play kitchen. I think I was a little disappointed.

Oh man do I need to have a little girl around...

[Heels]

My husband and I are teaching a Sunday school class of young 2 yr olds right now and every once in a while a boy will come in with painted toenails, which makes the Husband shudder a little.

(We live in the deep south and at our church, kids go barefoot all year long--it's a foofy southan thing and I have no idea why it is.)

I cannot wait to polish my son's toenails. I love it.

[CharmingBitch]

That is beyond awesome for Steve & the brothers: YAY!

I think that you're right on about Patrick; he'll be fine and you will, too.

[Anna]

Glad you are well, glad Steve's reunion went so nicely, glad Patrick is a happy and healthy lad, and I'm hoping your cycle gets on track.

I went to catholic school and ALWAYS wore 2 different socks (and 2 different earrings, now that I think about it). It was the only was I could express a little individuality with the uniform. Patrick wearing 2 different socks sounds A-OK with me!

[Jo]

One of the reasons I read your blog (and lurk pretty much all the time) is that I admire your parenting and your attitude toward what could be very depressing topics. You handle them with aplomb. So I would say the worry about Patrick? Shows you're a good parent, and the not worrying? Also shows the same thing.

[Heather G.]

Love this post. Glad to hear you husband's reunion went well. I wish I could convince my daughter that mismatched socks are all the rage--it would make my life much easier if I could just grab any two socks.

[Liza]

Awww...I'm so happy for Steve! I was worried for him when you first posted about his little "surprise" plan...it seemed like the odds were just INCREDIBLY small that it would go anything near well, but he seems to have hit the jackpot on that one and good for him! One of my kids is obsessed with accessories, etc., of the color usually favored by the opposite sex. I think that even at Patrick's age it doesn't necessarily mean a darned thing, although like you if it did I wouldn't feel any different about anything. The "bronzed and fit" part slayed me. Good luck with the ovaries.

[Jenifer]

Fabulous post! You shouldn't worry, things are beyond your control for most part. I'm glad that your husband was able to make contact and that it was successful.

Also, the last paragraph was perfect. Every word was perfect.

[Laura C.]

Hooray, Julia! Rock on.

[silene]

This is a great post - you sum up the comments on your last post beautifully. Glad for you, glad for Patrick, very glad for Steve, and not so much glad for the ovaries - get in line, ladies!

[nate]

Operative--and most important--words: bright, funny, happy, healthy. At a certain point, you (meaning all of us) just need to make sure your child is equipped, emotionally, to manage the gifts, talents, quirks, and foibles s/he has.

I dread the heartbreak I know my child will face eventually. T & I both were subjects of much teasing (and him some bullying) in grade school, and I know it'll be coming. But neither of us had parents who were much able to help. I think the best thing any of us can do is prep our kids so they aren't completely intimidated by it, and in fact have some tools to work through problems in their own way.

I do want to hear more about the bully--and the preschool teachers. That's if you have any more to report...

[Stacie]

Darn it, now I have to go read all the comments on the lipstick post.

[Aurelia]

This is an awesome post. Congrats to you and all the commenters who talked about tolerence and loving their kids for who they are.

And as for Steve's reunion, well, I am just overcome with happiness for him. I'm crying as I type this because this is indeed the moment that every adoptee hopes to have one day.

Because, even if our adoptive families are wonderful, having more family to love and be loved by is always a blessing.

[JennyK]

I'm so glad that Steve's brother-meeting went so well.

And I understand your desire to shield Patrick from all things that could hurt him. I think we all want to keep our kids from experiencing pain (duh) but going through *normal* painful childhood things -- like teasing or losing a friend -- is what makes us who we are, isn't it?

Our job isn't to protect our kids and have them live in some bubble of perfection but to adequately prepare them for life's tougher times. To lead them to believe that everything is sunshine and roses is to do them a disservice, since we all know that just plain isn't true.....though it would sure be nice if it was true.

[Amy]

Well said, Julia. Bravo.

Patrick's precious as is, and he's got you and Steve for his parents. Rock on. Speaking as one of his many proud cyber "aunts", he is all that and then some, period, and I can't wait to see what all this wonderful child will accomplish in years to come.

Julia's Ovaries and Such: C'mon, girls! Some results, NOW, please! We're on a schedule here!

[christina]

Bravo!

[Samantha]

De-lurking to say that you are awesome!

[Jeanette]

GBLT - they're just labels we stick on people who refuse to hew to our conventional "one side or the other" assessment of gender.
Frankly I think gender is a spectrum. We're all on it somewhere, and boys who like pink can be as manly as a lumberjack. Just like girls who play hockey aren't all butch.
Such nonsense really doesn't benefit anyone.
Thank god Patrick has a mommy who's so balanced (not to mention bronzed and fit!)

[Jb]

good for you. all of it. period.

[jen W]

I just have to add something I heard on oprah i think...
We all want our children to never hurt. That isn't what life is. People get hurt. Our job as parents is to teach our children how to cope when they do get hurt. Our children will hurt sometimes. They will get made fun of. They will feel pain. All we can do as parents is make them feel loved and help them deal with the hurt.

[-Blue]

I also resisted - with great difficulty - commenting on the last post so I'm delighted to be able to comment on this one free of the urge to beat some backward arsewad in the face with a shoe ...

*ahem*

Anyway. Last paragraph. Perfect! You rock.

-Blue

[Jessica]

Excellent, well thought out, and just another example of why you're a great mother. That's why you worry. Heaven knows I'm a worrier, but then, I was teased and tortured through a good part of late elementary/junior high/early high school before deciding that there was no way I was ever going to make those people like me, and quit giving a rat's ass. I just hope that my kids have an easier time of it, but if they don't, I'll be there for them.

I especially like your last paragraph. Healthy & happy. Isn't that the best we can want for our children as parents?

And, as an aside, I'm glad that Steve's reunion with his brothers went so very, very well. Family, in whatever form, is a blessing.

[Libby]

This post perfectly illustrates just how fabulous you are my dear Jules.

[Raen]

*delurking*

I hope that as my son grows, I can be as amazing of a mother as you are. Not to sound like a "brown-noser" or anything, but I do greatly admire you!

Also - I agree with you wholeheartedly on the last paragraph. As long as my son is alive and well, I will be happy.

[Libby]

Oh and I forgot to say, that I am so very happy for Steve.

[Karen]

Just last week the Alpha jock on the 1st grade playground told my son he couldn't play football with "them" but he could be the cheerleader. It's odd because my guy is a pretty manly man...for a 7 year old. Our strategy was to start a soccer game with other kids instead, but first I spent 2 days obsessing over how evil alpha boy is and worrying about my son's long-term happiness because of what this might mean in long term playground ugliness. Seriously, I think it is normal to worry this much out of sheer love and then recover your sanity and pull out of it. Everyone needs someone who cares that much about them...even when unfounded. You go mom!

[Natalee]

Just going to ditto exactly what Boulder said.