Disparate

A few things:

1. The story goes that a sixteen year-old Lana Turner one day skipped her typing class at Hollywood High and was discovered at the soda fountain of Schwab's by an agent who immediately vaulted her into moviestardom. According to wikipedia it was actually the Top Hat Cafe, not Schwab's, but the rest of it is all true true true.

It is an appealing tale for a slacker like myself. One minute you are sipping a vanilla coke and thinking about how very uninterested you are in learning to type; the next someone comes along and fulfills your wildest ambitions with absolutely zero effort on your part. It's like Lazy Nirvana.

I mention this because the nicest thing has happened and it reminds me of nothing so much as the Lana Turner story (her real name, incidentally and thank you again wikipedia, was Julia Jean Mildred Frances Turner, which is practically MY name- less all that Alabamanian).

In January I got an email from the online director of REDBOOK magazine. That is how they write it, all caps like that, and who am I to question over a hundred years of proud tradition? Nobody, that's who. So this charming woman from REDBOOK emailed and said they had a project that they wanted to discuss and asked if I would give her a call. I sipped my vanilla coke and wondered how many other sweater girls have fallen prey to similar plays on their vanity. All someone would have to do is gaze deeply into my eyes and tell me how very talented they think I am and before I knew it I would be imprisoned in a filthy basement writing internet porn for $0.00001 per word.

Well, maybe that is how the Ladies' Home operates but not REDBOOK, man. REDBOOK (I don't think I can keep capitalizing it after all. it feels like the internet equivalent of jazz hands) is a class act.

The short version is that they have decided to dedicate some of their online presence to infertility and a part of this new community will be a two-person blog called the Infertility Diaries. They wanted to know if I would be one of them (the Falstaff, I am guessing, because one of their real editors will be the other blogger).

I had some questions.

Could I write just like I do right now? Could I swear? Butcher grammar? Ramble? Tell stories? Talk about sex? Yes, they said. Yes yes yes yes and emphatically yes.   

And they would pay me.

I think this must be what it feels like to be given money to dance or sing or paint or whatever it is that you love to do more than anything. It's like flying. It's like magic. 

They had me at "no, not porn" but then they let me write a page for the June issue of the actual, real, honest-to-god magazine based upon excerpts from here and I fell over and died.

So that's my news. The Infertility Diaries go live on April 17th and I'll write there two to three to four times a week about fertility and infertility and whatnot and our upcoming IVF cycle and whatever comes after that for us. For the love of all that is holy PLEASE come and leave comments on the new site. I am very anxious to make a good impression and I am nothing without you.

And this blog (for those of you who don't already feel like you have 100% more of me than you ever needed) will continue just like it is. I'm not sure exactly what the Infertility Diaries will look like when all is said and done (I mean in terms of content) but I am quite certain that they should not prominently feature stories about my existing lump of delectable love. And if I don't tell stories about Patrick I get all clogged with 'em. And that's not healthy.

In conclusion I am very excited and flattered and I am nervous as hell and I will post the link when we get closer and I really hope you like it.

2. Patrick came in second overall in the office/family pool. His correct prognostication of Florida's two-peat was not quite enough to overcome Papa Stan's point advantage going into the finals. He took the loss philosophically, noting that Papa Stan did well and that he, Patrick, still had more points than everybody else. My brother called to ask (like he does every goddamned year that he does not win) just how I devised the point system because he personally thought it was flawed and one of Steve's researchers sent a scorching email stating he thought the pool was "lame". Bitter apples, just a bunch of bitter apples.

3. I am a terrible driver. No one is saying that I'm not. I cannot parallel park. I cannot drive backwards without opening the driver's door and twisting my upper body out and all the way around. Just today I gave my full, undivided attention to a particularly lovely pastoral scene (black-and-white cow standing in a frosty meadow) rather than watch where I was going. Nothing happened, of course, because you can imagine how much traffic there is when the scenery is cluttered with actual cows. Still, the fact remains that I am a terrible driver.

However, even *I* know that neither the law nor common sense requires you to swerve half off the road and come to complete stop simply because a police car appears on the distant horizon. And not a sirens-blaring, lights-flashing police car, either. Just your bog-standard sheriff's deputy making what we used to call during my girlhood in Victorian London "the rounds". Frankly it looked damned suspicious, Taupe Minivan, and I am not ashamed to admit that your sudden and unexpected lack of Go almost caused me to wind up in your lap.

And not just because I was looking at a cow at the time.

4. Steve agreed to be the Easter Bunny for Patrick's preschool today. I had to assure him that this was a non-speaking role with limited business. I then promised him that it would be as easy as snoring and was well within his range of abilities.

This was before I remembered Steve's startling and comprehensive lack of familiarity with all cultural Christianity. Quakers*. I swear.

"The bunny suit will be in the room next to the classroom and the basket with the goodie-stuffed-eggs will be next to it," I said.   

"And I put on the bunny suit?"

"Right!"

"And then I climb into the basket and they'll drag me into the class?"

What the hell, Steve? I think he was somehow introducing Santa's sleigh into the equation. Cute, in a way, but good grief, you big dumb bunny.

"Wear costume. Carry basket. Distribute eggs. Got it?" He got it.

And a delightful time was had by all, even Patrick although he politely but firmly refused to accept anything he was offered. I told you he thinks eggs are the work of the devil. Apparently even pink plastic ones filled with sweet*tarts.

*No disrespect to the Friends. Steve's sisters were given identical upbringings and I am quite certain both of them know their way around the holidays. Steve is just a complete tool sometimes.

Comments

[Shandra]

That is amazing! Congratulations! And smart REDBOOK people. :-)

[Abby]

Delurking to say congratulations! Very smart REDBOOK (I see what you mean) people!

[Audrey]

Wow! Congratulations, that's awesome! I expect you'll be providing a link once you're live?

[Chelsea]

That's great, I'll get to read even more of you!

AND you made me snort and laugh out loud in this post. "They had me at no porn"-snort- "Lack of GO" -snort- "Big, dumb bunny" -Hee Hee-

Good job!

[winecat]

Way to go REDBOOK. It's nice to see someone with talent recognized.

[Linda]

JULIA!!! (Will you get to have your name in caps on the website?) Way to go! How exciting for you and even better for the readers of REDBOOK - you have a genuine gift. Congratulations.

[CharmingDriver]

Oh how neat! I can't wait to see the new digs!

[margot]

The Easter Bunny part made me laugh so hard I got the hiccups. No joke.

[Anna]

Yay! Jazz hands all round! Congrats and good luck.

[Kristi]

CONGRATS!!! I can't WAIT to read the new blogs!

[Sarah]

Congratulations. Will definely have to add it to the rounds. Will you show up in print as well? I may have to susbcribe.

[Natastic]

Kick ass, Girl. I'll be there commenting my ass off.

[Natastic]

Kick ass, Girl. I'll be there commenting my ass off.

[carrie]

Delurking to say - CONGRATS! Redbook is lucky to have you.

[anne nahm]

That is super cool! Can't wait for you to link it.

[Susan]

Congratulations! How exciting!

[Pam L]

Wow, I'm impressed..REDBOOK... wow. I'm glad you know your way around the writing biz thing. I wouldn't have a clue where to start. I mean, do they tell you how to start, at what point? Is it from now or do you go back to your past exploits, as they were? Can't wait to read it, and also glad you'll still be writing about house and home and kiddo. When you have time, that is.

[tgsdmom]

Congratulations! Best of luck and enjoy your new job.

[Kathleen]

I'm already working on my letters to the editors.

Dear REDBOOK,

That JULIA is the best thing to happen to REDBOOK since the decision to use REDBOOK instead of Redbook.

Please double her salary so that she can purchase a large basket for her son's class to drag her husband around in whilst he is in a rabbit costume. Don't ask, it's a Quaker thing.

Sincerely,
A devoted REDBOOK reader

[SarahB]

How exciting about the REDBOOK thing! I'll definately follow you over to read!

[nancy]

Kathleen - that is tooooooo funny!

[Emily]

Ooohh ooohh ooohhh, I know the editor IRL. You couldn't have better company. Congrats, can't wait to read it.

[PM]

That is amazing good fortune - well deserved of course.

[Teenuh]

Congratulations. How exciting for you! I love reading your writing and I look forward to a new outlet for your stories. :)

[swissmiss]

Congratulations that is fantastic!

[BrooklynGirl]

Congrats, Lana....I mean, Julia!

[Jill]

OMG do you realize you now have a job? I mean, one that pays? How awesome.

I wonder what made the minivan panic?

Fun stuff about Steve and the bunnyness. Did Patrick have any clue it was his dad in the suit?

[LB]

Now Murphy's law should kick in! Since you have a job that is infertility based, you will no doubt be producing a beautiful baby very soon. Let us hope that it is so!

[Genevieve]

That is fabulous, Julia!!! The editors of REDBOOK (Fosse, Fosse, Fosse, as Robin Williams would say) know a good thing when they read one -- but how lovely to have them just approach you all Schwab'slike and have this fall into your lap! Almost like you into the minivan driver's.

I'll be commenting, as soon as you post the link.

[Christiana]

Julia, that is SO cool about REDBOOK! I can't wait. But, please, please don't forget to continue the Patrick posts - he's just hysterical.

[Sandy]

Congrats on the REDBOOK deal...I feel kinda weird typing that in all caps, but whatever..I love reading your blog here, so I'll definitely check out the new one.

[owlhaven]

Woohooo!! Good for you, girl!

Mary

[Nancy]

Well, it's about time they discovered ya! Congrats on redbook, I'll bet it's just the start!

[neens]

Yea! Hey that's so great! I am so happy for you! Count me in to be there....=)

[Meramoo]

That's awesome!

[Libby]

Wow Jules, look at you all famous and stuff! I am so happy for you kid. I truly am. You really are a talented writer and I am glad that somebody other than us, internets, has noticed. And you bet I'll comment over there (even though I am mostly a lurker), you had me at "I am nothing without you."

And Kathleen, that has to be the funniest comment I have ever read. Thanks for the laugh.

[neens]

Yea! Hey that's so great! I am so happy for you! Count me in to be there....=)

[Lisa]

Congrats on the REDBOOK gig. And can I say that while I love love love so much of what you write / have written, my new favorite Hippogriff's phrase has got to be " ... internet equivalent of jazz hands." You slay me.

[Cheri]

Delurking to say that I love this blog and I'm really excited to hear your REDBOOK news. Congratulations!

[Anita]

HOORAY on REDBOOK!

I'd quite my dayjob in a heartbeat if I got that opportunity. Of course, that would imply that I have your talent...which....not so much! ;-)

[Slim]

Ooooh-- you're going in there a blogger but you're coming back a star!

I am adding this to my mental list of "When Good Things Happen to People Who Have Deserved Them for Quite Some Time Now, Not That That's How Life Works, Because Hello! Infertility Blog!"

[Barbara]

Congratulations :) I found your site through searching when my daughter was having pregnancy issues. And, I've stayed over a year. Your writing is delightful and draws the reader in. How wonderful to get money for it.. shows how talented you are.
Have fun!

[sarina]

congratulations on the writing assignment. you write very well, the only reason i haven't commented previously is that you already have so many fans that say what i would say. as in this case...

i have no burning interest in infertility and you and patrick are just fictional characters for me. i come to your blog for the writing.

you deserve to be paid for your clever mind. you are creative and honest. work hard and good luck. we will be reading.

[Leggy]

Wow- very exciting. What a great opportunity. Can't wait to hear more about it.

[Becky]

Wow. Congratulations. I haven't looked at anything REDBOOK since my mom turned 40, but now I think I may just have to.

[Kristin]

Congrats on the Redbook gig! Will definitely go over and look.

And good luck to Steve with the Bunny gig. Your story reminds me of a segment from "thirtysomething" years ago: Elliot (Christian) and Michael (Jewish), best friends and colleagues, are at their office Christmas party, and have gotten a bit squiffed. Michael asks Elliot, "So explain to me again how the guy with the 9-volt nose fits into the Christian pantheon." Elliot replies (a bit drunkenly), "OK, see, really, God created Santa Claus right after he buried all the fake dinosaur bones for the Satan-kissing paleontologists."

And good luck with the cow thing, too. I sympathize. Although in our car, it's my husband who likes to look at me when he tells me stories. While he's driving. "Honey, that's great, now watch the road the ROAD THE ROAD!!!"

[Kristin]

Congrats on the Redbook gig! Will definitely go over and look.

And good luck to Steve with the Bunny gig. Your story reminds me of a segment from "thirtysomething" years ago: Elliot (Christian) and Michael (Jewish), best friends and colleagues, are at their office Christmas party, and have gotten a bit squiffed. Michael asks Elliot, "So explain to me again how the guy with the 9-volt nose fits into the Christian pantheon." Elliot replies (a bit drunkenly), "OK, see, really, God created Santa Claus right after he buried all the fake dinosaur bones for the Satan-kissing paleontologists."

And good luck with the cow thing, too. I sympathize. Although in our car, it's my husband who likes to look at me when he tells me stories. While he's driving. "Honey, that's great, now watch the road the ROAD THE ROAD!!!"

[Kristine]

Yeah for you! And for us, because we get to read even more of you!

[Laura]

Lucky REDBOOK and lucky us! That's awesome news!!!

[Denise]

How cool!!! Congratulations and I'll be there, reading and posting.

Best of luck!!!