Lobster

When Steve first mentioned this trip to Florida he described it in terms of back-to-back business meetings. He also said that it was important that Patrick and I come with him. This seemed kinda oxymoronic to me. Not that I have anything against Florida (except the sun and the humidity, as noted) but I always dislike hauling the child to unfamiliar locations where I will then exist as his sole source of entertainment. If that's going to be the case I would rather just stay at home where the Legos are. When I stated this, however, Steve looked stern like some sort of village elder and assured me that it was vital to the existence of the business - the very business that puts the sugar in my tea - for the families to spend time together on an annual basis. I think this is a managing practice founded on the principles of Victorian melodrama; to wit, they are all less likely to club each other over the head at the newly discovered gold mine entrance and lie about it afterwards if they can picture the others' wives and wee bairns back at home in Jolly Old Wherever.

My Dear Mrs. Hippogriffs,

It is with a heavy heart that I write these Sad Tidings: Poor Steven succumbed to Fever and was buried in the jungle.

Yrs Trly, X

PS We did not (alas!) find the gold mine we sought so I am afraid your husband's stake in this Accursed Venture is forfeit. I did, however and by remarkable coincidence, find a completely different gold mine on my way home.   

So I went to Florida and Steve did indeed work the entire time but it was actually lots of fun, primarily because one of the partners has a four-year old daughter named A who thought Patrick was the coolest thing ever and he returned the sentiment. He likes trains and she likes dressing up like a princess, and it all meshed beautifully because he would look up from his train works to admire the gown with the heels with the crown with the veil and she would sit there looking pretty and complimenting his clever track layout. Yeah I know Gloria Steinem just rolled over something but what can you do? Then they took turns making up poems and telling each other how good the poems had been. Most importantly they have the same sense of humor so they laughed for three days straight. It was, in a word, delightful and for the first time in my life I discovered that two children who click really do make life much easier than trying to amuse one by yourself.

We talked a bit about my IVF cycle and she said she didn't know how I do it. She said she could not. Would not. She knows about Steve's quest for his birth family and his decision to not adopt any children himself and she asked a bit about that. I answered as best I could but, honestly, the more I read stories from other adoptees and the more I try to REALLY listen when Steve talks about it, the more I realize that it is just a very complicated personal issue and I'm merely a by-stander. Affected, certainly, but not involved. I cannot explain him or his feelings. I just accept them. 

I think if she and I had had this same conversation online it might have rankled. The difference in how we have approached a similar problem (and our reasons for doing so) might have been interpreted as implicit criticism. But sitting on her couch, watching our children play so nicely together and taking a deep mutual pleasure in their joy; it was just... easy. Easy to be different and easy to respect and sympathize with those differences.

After we got all misty agreeing that we each have the most perfect child ever imagined and we are each the luckiest woman alive we took them 80 miles across Florida to the Astronaut Hall of Fame (for Patrick) and the beach (for A). Five hours later we could cheerfully have murdered them both. The sand! The sun! The stickiness! The not listening! The sand! The incessant talking! The throwing themselves on the sand to make SAND ANGELS after we had just given them a final rinse! Aaaaaaaaaaaaah! 

And speaking of the beach, check this out...

Isn't this the most pathetic thing you have ever seen in your life?

No, I don't know why I didn't ask for help with the sunscreen. Yes, I am aware of the fact that I am not physically capable of reaching my entire back with my own hands no matter how wide they are. Yes, I realize that I am very sensitive to sun exposure. No, I don't like not being able to sleep on my back. Yes, I did have squamous cells removed from my abdomen two years ago. So, um, YES I am a total fucking idiot. DAMN IT.

Finally, TRA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA! [That was supposed to be a trumpet voluntary]

The REDBOOK Infertility Diaries are up tomorrow, April 17th, um, at some New York Standard Time as yet unspecified. I have no idea what it looks like yet but I DO have three posts up and, urhhhrphm, remember our deal? About leaving comments? *NUDGE NUDGE* Go. Say something. Anything. Don't make me beg. Did you see my back? I've been humiliated enough this week.

I think this is my link: www.redbookmag.com/your/infertility/

PS I am re-doing my sidebar but I'll have it back up again this week.

*Updated to add: I fixed the link so it should work now. And I was personally blinded by the hot pink skin (focus people!) but now that you mention it, that IS a flattering photo of my silhouette- you're right. It is also completely misleading as gravity is graciously pulling everything forward and hiding it. Truth in blogging, right here.

Comments

[eliz]

My, what slim flanks you have. I wonder what it's like to live without bra bulge.

[Lisa B]

Ouch. And I'm unclear - can you have wine to make it feel better? Being a red head with Irish ancestry, my skin shivers in companionship.

[Pam L]

You poor thing! OF course we'll comment.
I actually thought Patrick had applied the sunscreen, it had that short attention span kind of design to it, in a nice swirly pattern. I used to get the same lobster-esque results at the Jersey shore years ago, and Ft Myers of late, being blonde and blue-grey eyed. It's the surf and breeze that makes you forget you can't be almost naked in the sun for more than 30 minutes, not that I have in many years now. My Italian in-laws laugh at me when I slather in the 45, but I can sleep at night. I've actually taken cool tea baths and it did help.

[FishyGirl]

AAACCCKK, you poor thing. I did the burn like that to myself more times than I can count. Oy. I can't recommend anything for it except pain medicine, and I don't know how that fits in with your protocol this time around. My hazel eyes, brown hair, and pasty skin cringe for you.

Will of course be checking out the link.

[Sandy]

oh holy mother! Your poor, poor back! that's gonna hurt...

Love to hear that you and Patrick had a good time!

[Aurelia]

Oooooh, you are as skinny as I was a year ago before I gained 30 freaking pounds...my RE said it might help my IF, but so far, ha! I'm sorry about the burn, I hope it heals. :)

And thanks for what you wrote about adoptees...this past week, being an adoptee in the blogosphere has felt distinctly like being in the middle of a tug-of-war. Uncomfortable.

So, on the sidebar, are you putting up categories, perhaps, or labels? Just because I find archives hard to search through on typepad without them...

And yes, I'll see you on Redbook. Weee...I know someone famous!

[Sheridan]

I, too, thought Patrick had applied your sunscreen! You poor thing. I'm sorry for laughing.

I like the Nivea spray-on cooling stuff to ease the sting. Hope you have that in the US.

Oh and can I express admiration for your waist, or is that a bit weird? I miss my waist.

[Liza]

You. Are. Such a card.

I've done that to myself two or three times, the sunblock-blotchy-really-pale-history-of-bad-moles-fucking-idiot-but-no-thanks-I-can-do-my-own-sunblock-thankyou thing. Does that make you feel any better? I'd suggest getting some of that cooling aloe stuff with blue lake #3 in it. Artificial colors have the power to heal. The aloe vera is minimal, like the "less than 2% of every oil known-to-man" that's in everything anymore so that no one even thinks of feeding the manufacturer's product to their allergic kids and then filing a lawsuit.

Also, how screwed up is it that we look to be essentially the same size, but having only carried three children my gut reaction was "she has been pregnant like, eleventy-seven times! Why isn't she fatter than I am? I hope she has the belly pouch in spades." I ought to either go back into therapy or go back into teaching women's lit. SIGH...

As of oh-gotobedalready-hundred, EST, the link shows nothing. Rats. I'll try again in the morning and leave glowing reviews in your comments section.

[laughing mommy]

I've been sunburned so many times... it causes me pain to look at your back. I fully sympathize.

I was like your friend... after doing IUIs a bunch of times (none even came close to working) and taking the fertility drugs I just couldn't... COULD NOT continue. The biggest relief of my life was making the decision to stop treatment. I felt a burden lift from my shoulders on that day.

(A horrifying stage IV endometrosis surgery and months of recovery - where I literally thought I might die a couple of times - was what finally ended our fertility challenges.)

You are so brave to never give up. With every attempt or pregnancy you have I pray for a happy outcome. I just know things will work out for you!

[Cat, Galloping]

yikes! it almost looks like you let patrick apply sunscreen.

hey your link isn't working or i'd totally be over there commenting.

[mercybuttercup]

Oh, dear. That puts my usual post-beach look of tiny narrow violent burns just along every edge of my clothing (or, as my mom puts it, "where the rubber meets the road") in perspective.

And yeah, I was scrolling down the page all, "Ooh! That looks painfu - hey, look at her teeny waist! I used to have a waist! [sob!]" too. Pitiful.

Congratulations on the Redbook thing! Will keep an eye on the link...

[Deb]

I totally burned my back like that last year for the first time, same spot without all the swishyness, I just missed it in all the hubbub of lotioning up four kids.

It still has the mark of the suit on my back, but my husband LOOOOVED peeling me for weeks at a time.

Ouch....

[Kris]

The bottom part of that burn almost looks like a dude with a hat.

It's very creepy.

[Nicky]

I know I shouldn't laugh at your poor lobster back, but I just... can't... stop...
But hey! At least you know the sunscreen works!

I also thought Patrick had done the sunscreen at first, but on second thoughts you would have ended up with letters and numbers on your back then ;-p

[Boulder]

I, for one, did not think Patrick did the sunscreen at first glance.

I fully expect that if Patrick were to do the sunscreen, and not do it thoroughly (which? would be shocking) he would, in the very least, leave you with a 6 or a P or something.

Black tea bath would help the burn the next (don't let there be a next, ok?) time this happens (if you are like I am).

[Toni]

I, like Cat, thought you had let Patrick apply the sunscreen. When I do it - I get the red down the middle - but the sides are okay. Hence another reason why I stay out of the sun :)

I just checked the site - as of 6am CST - no page.

[Christiana]

I also thought Patrick might have done your sunscreen. But I've done it to my red-haired fair skinned self many a times.

9:07am Eastern Standard Time and no page. I tried searching the blog section of plain old redbookmag.com and no go there either. I'm bummed. I even had it written on my calendar.

Glad you enjoyed your FL weekend - it was a beaut!

[alyssa]

interesting that nearly *everyone* who saw the pic saw your waist as they scrolled down. as did i. i'm so envious i could poke myself in the head.

as for the burn, i'm a fellow redhead so i know the drill quite well. i remember my last really, really bad burn vividly.

no secret potions: motrin, for the swelling and the pain. works every time.

[Liza]

I too, feel your fair-skinned pain. Alas, I'm also allergic to sunscreen, so I go to the beach in my sun-reflective burqa and large hat. Last visit, when I was 5 months pregnant, I still managed to burn the tops of my boobs and belly.

[LisaCarol]

It's up! It's disguised but it's up! Big box moment is the title.

http://www.redbookmag.com/your/infertility/infertility-diaries-041307

OK, I'm going to go read it now. (Usually a lurker.)

Oh my god... I just found the Redbook blog and read your bio. You are gorgeous! I don't know why I didn't expect you to look like that - great writer, great kid, and beautiful too! Ok, back to leave a comment for Redbook...

[r]

I'd leave comments on your new blog if I didn't have to login. Can you ask them if this is negotiable?

[Pam]

You are so skinny!!

[Chookooloonks]

When my beloved Marcus and I were engaged, I took him home to Trinidad for Carnival, and to meet my parents. We participated (or "played mas'," as it's called), in full regalia. Unfortunately, Marcus' costume had this huge circular cut-out on the back, and he failed to put sunscreen on that particular part of his pallid, English body.

The day after Carnival we went to the beach, and he was easy to spot: he looked like the flag of Japan.

Hope you're not in too much pain!

K.

[Another BT Wife]

Sorry I can't stay to chat but I have to run off to REDBOOK...

by the way - the sunscreen that sprays on as an aerosol can be a huge help in getting most of your back by yourself :)

[Accidental Poet]

the more I realize that it is just a very complicated personal issue and I'm merely a by-stander. Affected, certainly, but not involved. I cannot explain him or his feelings. I just accept them

Three rousing cheers for you, Julia.

[Accidental Poet]

the more I realize that it is just a very complicated personal issue and I'm merely a by-stander. Affected, certainly, but not involved. I cannot explain him or his feelings. I just accept them

Three rousing cheers for you, Julia.

[Steph]

I'm another "never mind my history of skin cancer, I'll still put my sunscreen on myself" person. Did it just last week in Hawaii. You are not alone.

One of my kids is like Patrick (Patrick lite?). Very bright, very quirky, not a lot of friends. He is, however, an absolute babe magnet. Got his first phone call from a girl last year when he was 8. It's gotten to the point where he's been teased about it at school, which I guess is better than being called Four Eyes or Dork or Nerd or any of the other labels which could easily apply. Maybe Patrick has that same babe-magnetism?

[silene]

As a pale-faced redhead who hasn't been near a beach (at least not in a bathing suit - I'm the one in long sleeves and pants with a hat) I can commiserate. Despite the lack of sun exposure I still put on sunscreen every day and have found the Neutrogena spray 45 SPF very helpful for the hard-to-reach spots.

[Genevieve]

Yow! Hope it feels better very very quickly.

OK, I logged in at Redbook, and how sad is this: they don't have my birth year among the choices. They think I'm TOO OLD FOR REDBOOK. AAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaAAAAAAaaaaa!!!!!!

[Natalee]

Ah, so THAT's what you look like (referring to your REDBOOK photo). Somewhat like I pictured, but not completely. I knew you were thin, but in no way did I imagine the span of your waistline would send me into spasms of envy.

However, I do not envy the sunburn. As a fellow pale-skinned person, I have nothing but sympathy for you.

[Leggy]

Okay you look nothing like what I thought (not sure what I thought, but I didn't picture curly haired redhead.) Not going to register, but I'll keep reading if you tell them to add an RSS feed (I tried to enter it in bloglines and was told there was no feed.)

Good luck with the new gig!

[Pat]

Went, registered, posted (as nyser1). I like the site, but I'll keep coming here first. Gotta have my Patrick fix.
Love the photo. Goes to show that sunscreen really works (where you apply it).
Next time, you can get P to put little handprints of sunscreen all over.
Such sacrifices one must make for art.

[Kathy W.]

Congrats on the Redbook blog! (and from a distance, your sunburn looks like a stencil of ... something.)

I too was bothered by the age limit on commenters at Redbook. So I sent the editor a leetle note:

Hi--

Just a note to say how silly I think it is that that the registration for your blogs only allows us to choose a birth year of 1970 or above.

I guess Meg Ryan, your latest cover and over 40, isn't allowed to post a comment?

It's particularly silly on the infertility blogs site since, statistically speaking, many women 38 and above are struggling with infertility issues -- and would be drawn to read and comment on the blogs.

(And I don't think it will fool advertisers, either.)

Best regards,

[Becca]

Woman! Ouch! I am also very fair and susceptible to sunburn (hello red hair and freckles), and I am now in LOVE with spray-on sunscreens. Word of caution, though: Banana Boat will turn your white clothes yellow. Coppertone appears to be more white-clothes friendly, though I have not tested extensively. Good luck!

[Jessica]

Seriously, that picture could be used to demonstrate the effectiveness of sunscreen. Show it to anyone who thinks that it's all propaganda. lol.
Sorry your back is so raw, it's never the way to end a vacation.
Now I'm off to Redbook...

[victoria]

You *do* have a nice shape, gravity disclaimers notwithstanding. I hope the pain of the burn fades soon.

[susan]

Hi Julia - that's some sunburn! Yikes!

Anyway, I just posted a comment over at the Redbook site but it gave me gibberish in return and didn't take the comment...?

Anyway, wanted to say Good luck and congrats on the column.

[Laurie]

I was actually trying to figure out what you were wearing to get that weird pattern down the middle of your back. You need to put one of those bath sponge on a stick things in your beach bag. If anything someone sees you whip it out they will offer to help you put your sun block on.

[Laurie]

P.S. Lemons work wonderfully on a sunburn. They take the sting right out of it and they smell nice too.

[Beth TigerMoon]

As a fellow redhead, you have my sympathy re: The Burn. Yeouchy!

[JuliaKB]

We went on a cruise. I applied my SPF 50 everywhere but my back, cause, you know, I can't reach it. Asked husband to apply it there. Result? Not much different from yours.

I went over to the new digs and commented. Nice going.

[Katherine]

Hi there,

I think I will check out REDBOOK at home (I am at work and I am getting lots of "When are you going to get married?" questions at the moment so I don't really want to add to any speculation by reading sites with "How to get Pregnant" at the top of them) :)

Well done to you and I hope your sunburn has gone down!

If you do ever get to New Zealand, you will need to remember your sunscreen (although not at the moment - it's cold and rainy so I think even my nose couldn't get burnt today).

[Anita]

Good LORD, you are skinny!

[Heather]

At first, I thought you did that on purpose, cause it kinda looks like a chinese dragon. Then I realized, who in their right mind would do that on purpose? Me and my freckled, fair, burn-on-a-cloudy-day skin sympathize with you.

[reenie]

Accidental Poet beat me to it. I was going to say "I cannot explain him or his feelings. I just accept them." That sentence right there makes you one amazing woman. How many women do any of us know who can make a statement like that without laughing?

[Alli]

I feel your pain, fair blonde here. Here's what to do for future - put sunscreen on the back of your hands then reach behnid as if you're scratching an itch on your lower back and work your way up that way. You can get full coverage on your upper back that way. I am sun-block impaired and always miss the most obvious spots, but this method does work!

[Elle]

I always end up looking like neapolitan ice cream in the summer, no matter how careful I think I am.

[Kathy W.]

FYI, Redbook wrote me back, saying

"Seventeen Magazine is also published by Hearst Magazines and when they set up our new site they gave us their age limitations."

They've corrected the age category in the registration form. You'll be happy to know that 97-year-old women (and men, too!) can comment on your Redbook blog.

[winecat]

Oh, the burn. Reminds me of college where I fell asleep studing at the pool and burned everything down to the soles of my feet!

Use LOTS of lotion and you may not peel.