Dynamic

Patrick has his last day of school on Monday. I admit that I felt a little pang typing that, but for the most part I am excited for him. So long preschool, here comes kindergarten.

Without just giving you directions to my house I realized I cannot actually say all that much more about Patrick's preschool. Every time we talk about it, though, I realize that the term "preschool" carries a lot of different meanings and often we are clearly not thinking of the same sort of thing. To clarify, Patrick's school is so tiny that the class meets under a mushroom. There is a room and a half and just two teachers: the head and the assistant/director/fund-raiser. It is truly a village school: nondenominational and nonprofit. Many parents of current students attended themselves once upon a time. While the school's mission is to provide early education; they also serve an incidental but undeniable purpose within the community. You meet people when your kids are in the school together and then you keep over-lapping in ways that I (who grew up as an urbanite) never even dreamed existed. Our neighbor's husband went to college with the husband of a woman whose daughter is in the Tuesday-Thursday class and who I know from the plant sale but who I also know from the playground committee, the book club and her friendship with my friend Catherine. Everyone, quite literally, knows everyone - and everyone is or was involved with the school.

This does not mean that you cannot pick fights there, it just means that you want to make very sure you are on the right side of those fights because you will be associated with your quarrel for the next thirty years. Seriously. So I spent a lot of time thinking about the situation at the school and how I should handle it and whether it was as grievous as my initial instincts led me to believe or whether, possibly, I was not in a great position to judge.

Our purpose in sending Patrick to preschool in the first place was to give him a taste of independence and to help him learn to develop relationships with other children and adults. Patrick, as I have probably made clear in the past, was markedly lopsided as he turned three. He had some wicked cool skills but he was also noticeably immature. As the other children were starting to play together he was just getting into parallel play. As the kids starting developing special friendships and, more recently, distinct social groups, Patrick began to realize that playing with other kids was actually a whole lot of fun. He just wasn't quite sure... how to get started.

For whatever reason I have always been certain that Patrick would catch up with himself eventually. He just needed time and some patience and an understanding environment in which he could be gently nudged in the directions he wanted to go. The preschool has been a great place for him. The teachers and the kids know him and like him and he feels comfortable with them. Just as he started to get it all together and his teachers and I could see the his social synapses start clicking connections all over the place (whoa! trains with TWO people are TWICE as fun!) the bully problem arose.

And I was fucking furious. I am embarrassed to admit how angry I was at the poor kid who I saw as the force that would single-handedly drive Patrick backwards into shyness and isolation. School, as far as I was concerned, was for MY kid. All the other children were just so many playmates for Precious.

You can see that this is silly, and eventually I did too. Part of putting him in a group situation for a few hours a week was to, you know, put him in a group situation, myriad personalities and all. When we had preschool conferences a few weeks ago the teacher told me about how very, well, NORMAL Patrick is now. He has some academic chops but more importantly he is a happy silly little boy who loves playing with other children. And he is GOOD at it. She talked about how much he enjoys creative play and hanging out with the boys and all the things he was not interested in last year. She also mentioned, "Patrick is going through an anti-Thuggo period right now."

"Oh?" I asked.

"Yes," she said. "When he sits next to him at circle time or snack he tends to say, 'I don't like Thug. He hits.'"

"Ah," I said.

This is probably a strange thing for me to be proud of but I was, a little. It sounded to me like Patrick had decided to make it very clear that he did not appreciate being hit anymore and he was making an issue of it.

When I came home I told Patrick about all the good things his teacher had said about him, but I also mentioned that it isn't nice to say you don't like someone. Patrick reasonably pointed out that he doesn't like it when someone hits him and it isn't nice. I suggested that it might be better to just avoid the hitter, but he shrugged. I dropped it.

When I took him to school on Monday the children were gathered in the upstairs foyer on their way to a field trip. Leaning against the wall were three boys, one of whom was Thuggo.

"Hey!" said one, "Patrick's here! We'll need to make room for him!"

"Stand next to me Patrick," said Thuggo and when Patrick raced over Thug slung a companionable arm around his shoulder.

"Do you like my new shoes?" Patrick asked extending a foot.

"Yes," said Thuggo. "Do you like my new sandals?"

"Oh yes," said Patrick.      

That afternoon when I picked him up I said that it seemed like Thuggo was being pretty friendly these days.

"Oh yeah," Patrick told me. "I said to him that I didn't want him to hit me ever again and he understood and is nice now."

Well then. Can't argue with results I suppose.

I will be honest; I do not think the school has done the aggressive kid any favors in letting his big and little transgressions go unchecked. I think he will have a hard time in kindergarten (where the tolerance for such things is nonexistent) and I am sorry for it. I think there was an opportunity to help him learn to modify his behavior in a classroom setting this past year and I do not think that was done.    

That said, I think Patrick (who is, after all, my real concern) ultimately benefited from the association, occasional knocks to the head and dithery teachers notwithstanding. In fact, as a few of you pointed out, this was an important part of Patrick's socialization. Dealing with difficult people, learning to confide in me when he had a problem, and developing his own strategies in how to deal with things were necessary steps in the process of growing up a little. I would have preferred for it not to have happened, but I am pleased that Patrick has developed enough to champion himself when he needs to do so.

When I watch him run over to ask strange children to play at the playground I can see how much he has grown in this area. When I watch him calmly accept their occasional rejections (it happens) I can see how important it was that he has learned to deal with social reversals.

Now if we could only do something about his willingness to dress himself....

PS Leaving for my beta in about thirty minutes. Results by this afternoon which I will put up in a REDBOOK post (but they write it this way. always. in emails and everything. isn't it rude not to follow an entity's preferred form of address?)

PPS I think I have concluded in this post that I am glad Patrick kept getting bonked in the head while his teachers failed to protect him because it forced him to handle the situation on his own, which in turn resulted in both a tentative friendship with the kid who had been worrying him and a new-found sense of his own abilities. Does that sound right? Somehow my overprotective heart thinks that must be wrong.

PPPS That said, I asked Patrick if he wanted to bring one of his phenomenal Lego creations for the very last show-and-tell today.

"Um, I think Thuggo will be there."

"So?"

"Soooooooooooo," like, DUH, "I would rather he didn't smash up my Legos."

There was a long pause and Patrick finally said, "Oh I know! I'll bring the geode from Arizona! Thug can't break a rock."

Adaptabilty in action.

Comments

[Kay]

Patrick is wonderful! You did the right thing, and SO DID Patrick! It's so hard watching your kids get hurt. My son (turns 5 in September) is a soft-hearted little guy. He has never ever met a stranger, and I agonize over him being rejected by kids at the playground. I just don't want his feelings hurt, ever. Ever. EVER! So, Mamma Bear - I feel ya.

Patrick is smart. And has sense. Those two are not often found together.

Good luck on the Beta.

[Krissy Poopyhands]

You did a good job. Imagine Patricks unflapability as he gets older and encounters worse bullies. He's learned not to be a victim, and that in and of itself greatly increases his liklihood of not being bullied.

I know that Patrick often presents specific challenges, but he's one of my favorite kids to read about and I think you're doing a fabulous job balancing the head and the heart.

I anxiously await your Beta.

KP

[BG]

Yeah, you did the right thing with Patrick. I definatley don't think you overreacted originally though. Patrick is only four, and he should be able to school and not be bullied.

On the other hand, it sounds like he was able to handle things, which is so great.

I'm constantly worrying about whether or not I need to step in. Am I not giving my child the skills to defend themselves? Or, because they are so young, it *should* be my job to step in and protect them? It's a fine line between knowing when to let them speak for themselves and when, as a parent, you need to go to bat.

Hope everything goes well with the beta. I have a really good feeling about this one. I feel like things are going to turn around for scorpios this year!

(Don't ask me why I remember you are a scorpio, I just retain that sort of information)

[deborah]

You one smart woman!

[Catherine]

As happy as I am that Patrick was able to work it out, I can't help but think that the ends do not justify the means. It just as easily could have caused him unnecessary stress and anxiety that would have shaped his personality in a much different way. I still stand by my belief that the school should be a safe place for everyone. It is a teacher's job to guide the children through these types of situations, not sit back and let the kids figure it out for themselves. Even though things turned out well for Patrick, I still feel as though the teachers failed. That said, Patrick's success with this situation is a true testament to his amazing little personality.

[kimberly/tippytoes]

You handled this so much more maturely than I would have. Good for you. I need to learn from this.

[cursingmama]

Never stand up in the canoe unless it's already tipping over. I totally get the Patrick situation so much better now.

[Beth]

I was dumbfounded by the number of people who suggested you hire an attorney when you originally wrote about this problem. I'm glad you didn't go that route. Sounds like you did exactly the right thing for Patrick.

[Audrey]

OMG, I cannot get over how amazing this kid is...and cute, did I mention cute? It's so good to see things worked out for him....and the "Can't break a rock" idea is not a bad one....would like to see Thuggo try ;)

[Julia]

Catherine,

I don't disagree with you, actually. It sucks that this problem hung over the preschool all year, and I am sure that it WAS stressful for all the children. I really wish it had been handled better; and that I had had the, oh let's say balls, to be the person to drive some positive changes.

At the end of the day I just think we got lucky with Patrick. Although I do hope that I was actually responding to his cues and not just taking the path of least resistence.

Hmmmm. Things I struggle with. Comment appreciated, as always.

[Jennifer]

Catherine has a point, (the school is lucky that things turned out as well as they did), but leave it to the amazing Patrick to find a way to get through it anyway. If only adults could be smart enough to stand up for themselves like he did. I do understand your instinctive protectiveness, I really do. I've always been a bit of a social misfit, so I'm estatic that I have a child who is innately social. I just don't know how prepared I am for when he meets his first thuggo (or God forbid, shows thuggo tendancies). Regardless, hooray for Patrick! Fingers crossed for the beta!

[Amy]

I love your son and I love how you are raising him. My daughter is two and she is beautiful and fun and happy and smart and I'm saving her for Patrick because I want him for a son-in-law. :-)

Thanks so much for your blog - I learn a lot from you and the way you think about things. You make me examine my parenting from a new angle and I appreciate that.

Good luck on the beta - crossing all appendages for you!

Amy

[Leah]

Sounds like you handled the Thuggo situation perfectly. A fellow student once made fun of my seven-year-old cousin (called her short, which she is), and my aunt subsequently pulled all of her children (seven of them, oh my) out of public education and began homeschooling them. Something tells me that's maybe not the best way to teach kids how to handle tough (or even just normal) social situations.

[dawn]

I think that's the trickiest part of parenting -- knowing when to hold 'em and when to fold 'em, so to speak. I'm happy about your happy ending, and I have no doubt that if things got to that next level of bad/stressful for Patrick, you would have taken a different course, and you would have KNOWN you needed to IF you would have needed to. I'm glad that you didn't need to. Congratulations on keeping your cool.

[Reese]

*V for Victory* Patrick rox! I'm so impressed with how he handled Thuggo. You have a great little man, Julia!

[Pam L]

I think you're spot on for assessing that the whole experience, while painful for you to watch, probably was normal and necessary for Patrick to experience. And who wouldn't be livid if they had seen or heard about some bully pushing down and or bonking their child's head. That is normal too. If we are not advocates for our kids, who will be? It seems like Patrick has a good handle on it now with accepting Thuggos niceness while being wary of being too naive, as in not bringing the Legos. There will be adults like this later on for him too, those he can be civil to , but not willing to do much more than that with them. Acquaintances, people to learn from not to be like that. All of this is very normal and necessary in becoming who Patrick is meant to be. Unfortunately, it doesn't get easier for you for some time to come. My first born turns 21 tomorrow, and I still worry. Can't wait for the news on the beta today.

[Pam L]

P.S. I must say also, I do agree with Catherine, but in reality, life, school, work, is not always fair and I'm pretty sure if the situation was dire, you would have known it and done what was necessary for Patrick.

[FlippyO]

Damn, I wish it hadn't taken me until I was at least 30+ to learn some of the things that Patrick learned at 4. We should all be able to deal with Thuggos so well.

Leah, how will your aunt deal with the short kid's siblings calling her "short" - send them back to school? :) I think my kids would have to be beaten bloody daily in order to take seven (SEVEN?!?) out of school to homeschool. I can't imagine the hell of teaching seven kids at home.

[JuliaKB]

Patrick rocks. He just does, even if he doesn't exactly have a musical ear.:)

Waiting for the beta...

[beth]

Sounds like you are having a good job.

I cringed a little reading about the Thuggo incident, because I suspect my child was branded a Thuggo a lot. He did tend to hit, and he didn't have good verbal skills, and he liked rough play. We eventually got a diagnosis of some sensory integration delays, but in preschool I just had a kid who liked to crash into things (including people) and who loved it when people crashed into him.

So we had incidents where he hit kids, and then he got disciplined, but we also had incidents where other kids hit/crashed into him, and he'd laugh and crash back, and then he'd be in trouble.

And the whole preschool empathy thing just worked backward -- "How would you feel if Johnny did X?" My Thuggo wouldn't mind it, might even like it. But he wasn't mean, he never wanted to make anyone feel bad (OK, well no more than the other, quieter kids), and he was often bewildered when he got in trouble for doing the same stuff as other kids, either because he did it more clumsily so people could get hurt, or because when the other kids did it it looked like a game because my Thuggo was laughing, but when he did it it looked like bullying because they would cry.

So I don't know about your school, maybe Thuggo is really headed for a life of crime, but maybe he's just moving along a different track than Patrick and you didn't notice the approach the school was taking with him because it would have been so alien to Patrick. But if you had concerns it would have been nice for the teachers to let you know what was going on.

[silene]

Go Patrick! Kids never cease to amaze me with their ability to sort out situations - looks like Patrick has developed yet another talent. Off to REDBOOK to check on your beta...

[MollieBee]

Kickass beta!!!

[Aurelia]

I'm kind of with Catherine on this one, because it's not just unfair for Patrick or the other kids, but also unfair to Thuggo and his parents. They can hardly be expected to work on his issues and get him ready for kindegarden if they have no clue what he's up to.

This time, Patrick turned out okay. Next bully, maybe not, so sometimes even if it's really really hard for us as adults to risk our own relationships, we just might have to.

Or you could just do what generations of small town moms have done forever, and have a good gossip and pass it on. On the days when I just don't feel like an official battle, it's my old standby.

(Saw the new beta btw, AMAZING!)

[Audrey]

Oooh, and just read the results at REDBOOK.....*shakes pompoms* Go baby! Or babies!

[terri c]

Dear Julia, two things: (1) Can I come over and hang out with Patrick and get better socialized? and (2) one thousand million good wishes on the beta!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Beth]

Sounds like a complicated situation indeed.

Re: beta --- woot!! Keep on keepin' on baby/babies!!

[winecat]

Patrick is THE most incredible kid. I know some adults who could use his tutoring. Is he for hire?

[Kim]

I nearly cried when I saw that beautiful beta number. I went back and did the math earlier today - "it needs to be above 4200," I told myself. That beta is awesome! Congrats and a million good wishes! (And that was really a beautiful post at REDBOOK today.)

Patrick seems like one awesome, well-adjusted, normal kiddo. :)

[FishyGirl]

Fabulous number, and beautiful post over there at the all caps place.

And Patrick? Patrick is awesome. So is his mommy. Well done.

[Sara]

Dealing with these situations is so hard. Please don't criticize yourself for your initial impulse to drop kick Thuggo to Namibia. You didn't follow that impulse, which is the important thing.

I agree with Catherine that bullying can be a serious problem, and needs to be dealt with as quickly as possible. Some children become badly stressed or depressed, and even refuse to go to school, resulting in lifelong problems, as a result of being bullied. However, that doesn't mean that you should go nuclear on the first offense, either. The fact that you've helped to guide Patrick through his first encounter with a bully just means that he'll be better prepared when there is a next time (and sadly, there will be a next time). So, good for you, and good for Patrick!

I do hope that Thuggo gets the help that he needs.

Running off to see your beta...

[Aurelia]

Just read a hilarious article about preschool that goes with your post. It's all about the differences between London and New York, but really all about how different cultures raise kids. Enjoy :)

http://www.slate.com/id/2161915

[Viaggiatore]

Julia: I marvel at your ability to keep your cool through all this and then be so articulate about it! And eventually, Patrick will be all grown up and work with someone like Thuggo, who will do things like the underhanded corporate sabotage equivalent of lego-smashing. And P. will be better for having learned this lesson, on his own, early. Quite the little man you have there!

My pediatrician once said to my mother, "everyone of us has a whole series of phases to go through in life; and we have to go through them all at some point. Wouldn't you rather Viaggiatore has imaginary friends now than when she's 40?"

Wise words. And what comes around does eventually go around; the world has a funny way of finding its equilibrium.

Recently found your blog through heaven-knows-where, and am enjoying it as a new-ish neighbor of yours, somewhere here on the Exurban Twin Cities Tundra.

Cheers!! V.

[Sam]

I cannot get the REDBOOK page to load and it is killing me. Maybe I'll try it in IE. According to your comments the news is good, but I WANT TO READ IT!!! AARGH!

[Sam]

PS I tried Opera and it worked just fine, reading now!!

[Christiana]

I am so happy that the beta is continuing to increase. You are in my prayers, always. I bought the REDBOOK that has your article and made my husband read it. He finds you hysterical, by the way. Much luck and love to you and your family.

[Kizz]

Those first three paragraphs? Are exactly why I moved out of a small town and into the biggest city I could find. I remember when Marc O put his tooth through his tongue when we were FOUR YEARS OLD. That is brain space I'm never getting back and if I run into Marc when we are 90 years old it is all I will be able to think about and it will take all my strength not to ask to see his tongue.

[Kristine]

Patrick is awesome! You have every reason to be extremely proud of him.

I agree that the school didn't do Thuggo any favors. I don't know what we would do if we didn't have our school working hand in hand with us to help my own little thuggo.

I can't wait to hear about Patrick kindergarten stories!

[Monica C.]

Thuggo reminds me of a GIANT kid in my 3 year old's class named Landon. I have seen Landon. Landon eats a cupcake in about 30 seconds. One day my 3 year old explained that "Wandon" hit her. I promptly told her that if he ever hit her again, to hit him back, tell him, "DON'T hit me," and to tell the teacher. I felt fine with that, especially since Landon's general behavior has him spending about 75% of his time in The Thinking Chair, anyway.

[Betty]

Late to the game, but just wanted to say that my daughter attended a very liberal preschool which often let kids work out their own issues, including physical stuff up to a point. It worked. Weaker kids, which mine was, found their voice (as the school would say) and the stronger (including bullies) kids found out that if they didn't respect the other kids, they didn't have friends. This was a better lesson than just not doing something because an adult told them not to. Otherwise, they just learn to do the same stuff when no adult is looking.

I suffered through it and questioned myself the whole way. But the result is my now six-year old is very vocal when she is being done wrong. I think it is great and not impolite for a four-year old to tell someone he does not like being hit, otherwise how is the other kid going to know.