Brief and Ugly

FUCK.

Ultrasound today showed one nice looking fetbryo and one fetbryo with an alarmingly distended nuchal translucency. Details on this are up at REDBOOK (link to the right there) and I don't feel like typing it all over again. So if you want to go check there I will wait.

With me?

FUCK.

I... sometimes I don't even know what to do with myself. Am I a COMPLETE FOOL? I read this definition of insanity once and I bristled (positively bristled): insanity is repeating the same action but expecting a different outcome. You know when you read some glib definition of mental illnes and it touches a nerve you probably have issues. Here I was, pregnant again, IVF again, PGD again, but hopeful as hell.

Actually my real issue is hoping that I will still get two children from this. 

Comments

[Madeleine]

FUCK.

What more to say?

[bec 37]

Of course you aren't insane. You had legitimate, credible reasons for hope. You still do. We are all hoping along with you.

[Katherine]

I'm holding my breath. Come to Baltimore, I love my peri and I'll put you up and rub your feet.

[Karen]

Julia, I'm so sorry. I'm angry at PGD (can I be angry at a procedure?). I hope that the perinatologists can do what you need when you need it and not make you any more miserable than you are. You have a good plan in place.

[r]

Oh sweetie. I am so, so hoping for you.

[Amy]

BREATHE. There's nothing more to do right now other than BREATHE.

[JuliaKB]

fuck was exactly what I said. And typed. Into a chat window I had going with a friend who also reads your blogs.
I sent you an email with some details, if my fair city might be your cup of tea.
Hold on.
But yeah, FUCK!!!!!

[Slim]

Got a technically skilled if socially iffy geneticist in Bethesda. I hear she's great with the impromptu CVSs.
Also some fake mustaches so you wouldn't have to worry about running into Steve's stepmother.
I just mistyped "fuck." But I am trying again, because it needs to be said, and said often.
I am choosing to remain hopeful, but if you want, I can slap myself until I stop.

[electriclady]

Oh god. Hoping you can get to see a peri asap and that they are helpful and hopeful.

[dregina]

I'm holding you and your family, including Righty and Lefty, in my prayers.

[Anita]

Oh, honey.

[Jessica]

That is just too unfair. And no, you aren't crazy for hoping. Where would any of us be without hope?
This waiting game has got to be the worst thing possible.
I'm crossing my fingers that the more accommodating place can get you in before the 6th. At this rate you'll almost be far enough along for an early amnio. (well, not quite, but almost!)
Hang in there! I'm crossing my fingers for little Lefty and Righty.

[kara]

I am stunned, and very, very sorry. I am also still really, really, REALLY hoping for good news. Positive thoughts coming your way...

[Paula]

With you?

You couldn't get rid of me if you tried. Sending positive vibes and a hug your way.

[Alison S]

Oh Julia,

There's nothing to say. I'll be thinking of you.

[Lisa V]

I think that's a Dr. Phil definition of insanity. It only sounds reasonable if you say it with a drawl, and do a shot of Jack Daniels.

I raise your fuck with a shit and a piss.

Seriously hoping for a good outcome.

[Amelie]

I'll keep my fingers crossed for all of your.

[Sadie]

Oh, Julia. Reading this has put a rock in my throat. I think I remember that my m/f specialist got me in on very short notice, here in Madison, WI--- I will check for you. Those 2 little guys are both so precious--- I am hoping against hope. And as for the different results bit-- you have Patrick. So you are decidedly NOT "crazy" for thinking things can be different, because your strongest evidence of this is currently mapping out trips West and making birthday cards for your cats.

[snickollet]

I want so much for you to get what you hope for out of this. Keeping you and your family (which, of course, includes both fetbryos) in my thoughts.

[Amelie]

ahem. That should have been "all of you".

[JenC]

I'm so sorry that you have to go through this again. I'm thinking of you and hoping that you get your appointment way before July 6th. Do you mind me asking what the measuement was?

[parodie]

Crap. I'm so sorry you're on this damn rollercoaster again.
I am hoping for the best possible outcome. Crazier things have happened.

Take care.

[Carole]

Dear Julia,

I'm a Brit, so may I contribute a hearty "Bugger" to the list of curses? Also a Hell's Bells and buckets of Blood.

So hope you can get seen by a doctor and start doing what needs to be done ASAP.

Hold on there and keep hoping - we'll be doing it with you.

[Beth]

Oh Julia -- no, no, no. Goddamn, it isn't fair. I am hoping so hard for you that all will be well.

Hang in there, am sending you the best of thoughts, wishes, dreams, and hopes.

[Cindy]

Long-time reader and fellow infertile from the greater DC area who "survived" the Shady Grove experience. If you're willing to consider coming out here, please e-mail me and I'll give you the name of my perinatologist who helped me with CVS, other issues I'd rather not discuss here, and pre-term labor. I think he and his office are just what you need and they are unbelievably kind and compassionate.
My heart goes out to you!

[Justin]

That definition of insanity is one that I almost always hear used in relation to alcoholics, we have a known tendency to refuse to acknowledge reality. You certainly have made it plain in what you've written that you are very aware of the difficulties you face. Persevering in the face of difficulty isn't insanity, it's just hard sometimes. I'll be holding you in my thoughts today. Best of luck and anything else that may sway the infinite.

[Kathleen]

With you, absolutely.

[Lisa]

Shit.

[Nancy]

Fuck is right... oh Julia my heart is hurting for you right now. I hope you can get in to see the Peri.....

[kimberly/tippytoes]

No! Please let us know when you get a better appointment. The waiting has to be torture.

UCSF has an awesome MFM department. Just saying...

[Nate]

God, I'm sorry. When will you get an f'ing break?

[alisa]

Oh darling, I'll burn some incense for you tonight to gma's chinese housegod thing.

[Kelly]

Well damnit right out! Ok. Gonna keep sending those positive vibes your way and hope you get a great peri and they tell you it is just fine. If not, the peri's in Allentown, PA at Lehigh Valley Health Center are great, and the Children's Hospital of Philadelphia is a great place for those high-risk situations.

Big Money! No Whammies!

[JenM]

No words to offer, just hope.

[Mary Ellen]

Oh My Goodness Julia. I am so sorry.

[Ruth]

Aw, crap. I've seen awesome perinatologists in Boston and Chicago, so if you want a name .....

Crap. I'm so sorry you've found yourself on this rollercoaster again.

[Meegan]

Fuck. Rats. Mother Fucking Bullshit.

Still rooting for you and those fetbryos and will be waiting with baited breath for updates. I shall drink a glass of wine on your behalf this evening. If you'd like me to make it a bottle you just let me know.

[Jenn]

Damn. I do know a good perinatolgist in Baltimore if you do need to get out of state.

[Yatima]

Christ. Another total stranger crossing all fingers and toes for you.

[jen]

Fuck is right. Maybe it's time to fly to see a MFM? Hoping for the best.

I'm so sorry. You could try Ronald Wapner if you're willing to travel. I think they do book on short notice.

Ugh. This is truly unreal.

Thinking of you.

[Spacemom]

FUck. I am sorry. I hope that Lefty is holding a nice fedora in there and that there is nothing to worry about.

And I am sad that you probably wrote the REDBOOK post without so much as consulting a webpage for a definition and sad that I could read and understand the whole damn thing.

And if I could offer you anything, I would. Even a bed to crash in if you came to Boston

[susan]

Redbook never remembers my login info and I'm sick of trying to recreate it every single time.

In any case - FUCK! I'm sorry to hear this. However, I do have a beach house on the lovely shores of Connecticut and am only a quick train ride into NYC should you find a doctor who is willing to see you asap.

Please consider my hospitality as I have admired you and your family for lo these many years, watching your journey and want to help any way I can.

Susan

[becky]

You're all in my thoughts. I am so hoping it all works out.

[Alicia]

I can't log into Redbook, but wanted to give you a hug so {{{{{{{{{hug}}}}}}}}.....{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{BIG HUG}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

I can't say what word is in my mind because I am typing on a work computer but it starts with an "F". I am still praying that everythig is ok.

[Natalee]

Fuck. So sorry. I hope someone can fit you in ASAP.

Still wishing for the best...

[megan]

oh fuck, Julia. i'm so sorry. i wish you a speedy (no, immediate) appointment...

[Maren]

My eyes literally teared up when I read the REDBOOK post...I am so sorry. I hope a miraculous ending comes crashing through at the last minute.

[Jo in Utah]

I am sorry