Dog Days

My mom was here and now she is gone and I feel sad. I always feel sad when my mom leaves. I also feel sort of guilty because this time I was kind of a lump. I still feel gross most of the time and the combination of nausea, sleepiness and anxiety over the CVS results conspired to make me fairly doltish. I don't think she minds but I wish in retrospect I had exerted myself to be a better hostess.

We took Patrick to see Ratatouille yesterday, mostly over his objections but he was fine once we got there. I mean, fine apart from being a little scared by the all the loud chasing of the rat with the shotgun and then the knives. This was his second movie theater experience and his ability to sit quietly in the dark for over two hours was exemplary. He even managed to keep it together for Shrek the Third, which was a terrible movie. Now I try, heaven knows I try, not to judge my fellow parents. When I see some kid freaking the fuck out in the aisles of Target I do not sniff and glare but always offer a warm smile of commiseration. Granted my child does not throw loud public tantrums but he also will not use a zipper. We all contend with things that others might easily dismiss with the words "I would just/never/always... ." Yes? It is easy to assume we would manage the situation better but we do not know the child or what the deal is - so judge not. I have discovered, however, two personal exemptions to my tolerant acceptance of all. One is when the freaking out goes on and on and on and on and the parent fails to remove the kid. This is particularly true in restaurants and other places (like libraries) where a well-behaved child is not necessarily a problem for other people but a screaming one is. When it becomes clear your shhh shhh shhh'ing is not having the desired effect as the kid increases Defcons, you need to go outside for a bit. No hard feelings, just scoot along. And my newest one: DON'T TAKE A TODDLER TO A TWO HOUR MOVIE. Good lord, man, that child is barely walking! I don't know if you are giving Mommy some time alone or if it is your custodial weekend or what; but surely there are things your less-than-two-year-old might enjoy more than sitting still for one hundred and twenty minutes listening to someone rhapsodize about well-seasoned food? A playground, perhaps? The public pool? And you there, sir and madam in the front of the balcony row, your little girl did manage not to yowl for almost an hour so perhaps it was a well-intentioned treat for her, but the small brother started to lose his mind before the previews were even over. And while it might not have disturbed your viewing pleasure to have him dangling precariously headfirst over the railing like that I thought I was going to have a coronary. It's not even that the children were irritating me, personally. It is the fact that they clearly were not enjoying themselves and I just cannot understand the point of the outing if the child is not having fun. It's summer! It's the weekend! Go... play.

Patrick came home from the movie and announced that he would now be preparing his own dinner. I said, um, ok, maybe, what were you thinking of making? "I don't know yet!" he snapped and rummaged around for a pan. He placed the pan on the stove, brought a chair over to the stove to stand on, and imperiously demanded some butter and some water for boiling. Part of me was tempted to just go along with it because now we will never know what else he would have put into the pan. Eggs? Apples? Vinegar? However, I was able to coax him away from the stove and we settled on my picking the recipe, his reading me the ingredients, our kinda chopping the choppables together, and his putting everything into the pans. I try really hard not to push Patrick in one direction or another (you know, since he is not me and he is only five) but I would LOVE to have him get into cooking. How great would that be? Him, making dinner. Me, sitting there with a book waiting to be fed. So can you recommend any good cookbooks for children or for cooking with children? Not that I am pushing, I add hastily. Encouraging. Nurturing. Whatnot.   

The REDBOOK blog is so ugly right now that I am reading it while shading my eyes with my hand and squinting. My editor/co-blogger started posting and people... took it badly. And I can see so many of the sides of the situation that it is like being blinded by a prism. On the one hand I am getting to know this woman and she is terrific - funny and edgy and bright and just cool. In fact, everyone I have ever dealt with at the magazine has been as kind and supportive as a bunch of first-rate kindergarten teachers. I watched "The Devil Wears Prada" just before I started with them and I had these visions of mean professionals sending all of my stuff back covered with red (blue? purple?) corrections attached to sneering emails but really they are as sweet and gooey as s'mores. And they mean well. The blog means well. They saw room for another online infertility whatsit and decided to provide one. It's not their fault my IVF cycle worked and I spent two weeks talking about e2 levels followed by two months obsessing over genetic results. But as a long-standing reader of infertility blogs I can only imagine how people felt when first I get pregnant (with twins!) right off the bat (genetics notwithstanding) and then Lili introduces herself to Infertility Diaries as just returning from her maternity leave (with twins!) Ai-yi-yi. And I feel awful about it. I know that she was just explaining her infertility connection before swinging into less personal topics but I also know that this was not made clear. And people freaked. And I don't really blame them. Gak. I always feared the REDBOOK blog would wind up generating a lot of shrill and acrimonious comments but I had also assumed that they would be directed at me. And hey, maybe they still will. It's kind of a mess and I hope it blows over. In the big scheme of things it is not important (my brother, who must've been having a tough day at the office, listened to my infertility blog related hand-wringing for a while and then said, "Do you know what is REALLY sad? Eighteen year olds dying of cancer. That's what") but I like my blogs and I hate it when people are upset by them.               

About the XX/XY thing... now honestly. Do you think I found out the sex of the fetuses and then did not tell you? Like I would be able to keep this massive secret for... well for however long? Do you even KNOW me? Have I ever kept a secret? Like, EVER? No. The conversation went like this. First she said things were great, then we covered the delay in getting results, then she said:

"Now, fetsus Aaaaaaaaaaaa... wait, do you want to know...?"

And I said, "No no no no no. No. Just whether the chromosomes are ok."

So she said, "Yes. 21 18 13 and the... the sex chromosomes look fine."

So that, my friends, is exactly what I know. And the question mark was placed in the last post to convey that I know there are at least two Xs but an unspecified number of Ys, if any. I DID see an unbelievably large penis on fetus A during the Mayo ultrasound but shortly after identifying it I realized the ultrasound tech was checking it for blood flow so I concluded it was actually an umbilical cord.

Do you think my head will explode before the CVS results show up? What if they are not really available tomorrow?       

Comments

[Rach]

I am too lazy to log in to RB and post, but I just read your post. I am fully expecting both baby GIRLS to be healthy and normal (do I get a prize if you give birth to twin girls?)

Thinking of you so much today! I am thinking today is one of those days where you must simply put one foot in front of the other. I remember losing one twin at 15 weeks and waiting on baited breath for the phone call that told us whether or not our remaining baby had T18. HELL.

[WendyP]

I'll (third? Fifth? Twelfth?) the Alton Brown recommendation; in fact, Patrick would LOVE his program Good Eats. It's smart, funny, and has science and food combined. Cooking really is chemistry, after all.

Re: CVS - I so, so want your babies to be OK. So much.

[Missie]

My 2 oldest (5 an 2 1/2) have helped me wityh things out of the Rachael Ray kids cookbook. The book actually starts with very easy stuff for little ones, and progresses to more complex things as the kids get older and more experience. Plus the food is awesome!

[Jb]

hoping you are doing ok waiting. been there a few times and its really really hard.

as for redbook, I think Lili could have done a better job in her little intro - it felt breezy to me - and even though I am on the other side of the infertility nightmare (one healthy child) it just did not sit right with me.

[amy]

I looked through "What's Cooking?: A Cookbook for Kids" that is directly tied into the Ratatouille movie and it seemed like it had good, fun recipes, especially if you want to cook with Patrick.

Keeping good thoughts for your CVS results!

[Lisak]

It's tomorrow already, refresh, refresh, refresh. If the waiting is driving me crazy I can only imagine what it is doing to you and yours. NBHHY!!! Crossing everything I can for you and the small beasties within.

My children (both boys) love to cook, when I can muster up the patience. As a mom who works full time, it's not as often as I should. They just like to make their favorites, which works for us.

[jana]

Our smallish city (100,000+ people) has a couple of kids cooking schools that seem like tons of fun and offer summer camp programs. One is in the process of putting franchises around the country and I believe it is tied in with the Ratat...whatever movie somehow. It is called Young Chefs Academy. Here's the link to their website http://youngchefsacademy.com/pages/home.html

Surely there is something similar around you.

I'm on pins and needles for you results today hopefully. Everything crossed and a bottle of champagne at the ready!

[Erin]

There is a Ratatouille cookbook coedited by Thomas Keller (of the French Laundry). After seeing the movie, our boys came home and made (with assistance) salmon with dill sauce and linguini with peas for us from this book and they had a great time. We found it at the Barnes and Noble in the children's section and there is a whole selection of children's cookbooks there. My husband, who loves to cook and spent some time in a restaurant kitchen, was also impressed by the Emeril cookbook on the shelf, but we went with Ratatouille to start.

[vanessa]

I can top the kids-at-inappropriate-movies tales: someone took their infant and toddler to Children of Men. One of the most bleak and violent movies I've ever seen. Not only was it thoroughly inappropriate material for children, but it was pretty unnerving when the baby started crying during a scene where one of the characters was talking about how strange it was to live in a world without children's voices. At first we thought it was part of the soundtrack.

[Chickenpig]

Hopefully you will get your CVS results soon, like now...right NOW!! and that all is well. When your twins are toddlers (and notice I am saying when, not IF, although I'm knocking on wood very hard) you will understand a little better why some of us parents don't...and can't...remove a screaming toddler immediately from the vicinity. I have one twin who is very much like Patrick (he is already speaking in 4 work sentences, including pronouns, and we can actually rationalize with him...he does not throw temper tantrums) but we have one that does. They are as different as night and day, and it is impossible to keep both of them happy all of the time, so sometimes we have to compromise, and sometimes that means staying in a place a little bit longer than other parents would deem appropriate all of the time. We don't take them to out to eat with us yet, and we wouldn't dream of taking them to any movie, R or otherwise, but there will be a time when we will, and I can guarantee that either my husband or myself will have to leave the theater, store, or restaurant with one of them. However, sometimes I have to take them both out together by myself, and most of those times I need to actually leave with my purchase actually purchased. There are a LOT of people who don't have the resources that you, or I, have. Need I remind you, that it is incredibly HOT!!! Too hot to have toddlers outside, right now. That public pools cost money, and that most toddlers can't swim, and that a lot of people, especially the poor families and the elderly will be haunting movie theaters, grocery stores, Walmart and Target to get much needed relief. My mother's response to heat like this was to take us to a swimming hole for the day, but people in a lot of urban areas don't have that for an option.

[Lisa S (aka Stolidoli)]

As the mother of four, I'll defend the flip side of the argument and say that I've taken my younger kids to the movies at an age younger than I took my first because I don't have a sitter during the day, and even if I did, for a SAHM to pay a sitter and movie fees is cost prohibitive. I did once get to do a "Mommy & Me" movie with the baby in a stroller (while the others were at preschool) and that was totally awesome.

Now, none of my kids ever pitched a fit in the theater either but I wouldn't be as quick to abandon the movie if I had one crying and two very intent on seeing whether they actually find Nemo. I can totally relate to the urge to stick it out despite one child's dislike of the moviegoing experience - frankly, it's hard to find ANYTHING that all 4 totally love to do.

Of course,if the child was hyperventilating and upset, there is always the provision of copious amounts of candy to try and calm them down. That's why they sell it there, isn't it??

Also, for Lili, can anyone quote an overall statistic regarding infertility, like, the total percentage of people who are never, despite treatment, able to achieve pregnancy? Am wondering what Redbook's odds are of finding someone to blog without coming across this issue.

I used intervention for my first pregnancy (PCOS) but my body seems to have corrected and the other 3 were conceived easily. I still consider myself connected to the infertile world but I certainly imagine others wouldn't. While I would never take a position writing for the infertility diaries at this point I am still interested in reading them.

[Amy]

We took our 2 1/2 son to see Ratatouille, his first time ever in a movie theater. We made sure to go to the earliest show available, so the theater was practically empty. He LOVED it. First time I've ever seen him still still, utterly enraptured, for two hours straight. Meanwhile, the poor little girl a few rows behind us cried the entire movie.

Regarding Lili, I'm sure she's a lovely person, but her intro just left such a bad taste in my mouth that I won't be reading her future posts. But with that said, I also would never viciously attack her as some of the commenters did. Wow.

Crossing all fingers and toes for your CVS results.

[Elizabeth]

About Lili... I don't want to read her posts. I didn't make any nasty comments over there, but her intro and subsequent postings have been hitting all the wrong buttons. For those of us still in the trenches, who have just had cycles fail on us 'Hi, I'm back from maternity leave with twins, lets talk infertility,' was exactly the wrong thing to say, and she should have known it.

The fact that you are pregnant and still writing the infertility diaries is entirely different because you started writing as you were starting the cycle that led to your current pregnancy. Its also clear that you are not out of the woods yet, especially to those of us who have been reading here through a few of your prior losses. We can root for you in good spirits for both 13a and 13b to make it through because we've been with you all along. Its very different when the first we hear of Lili she has twins.

There is also a big difference in tone. You talk to your readers. Lili comes off as talking down to them. I don't care how well meaning she is, I'm not going to stand for someone who talks down for me. Alas, I know REDBOOK won't ditch her because she's one of their editors and this whole thing seems to be her pet project, but she's not doing herself any favors. If she were truly well intentioned and empathetic she would step aside and find someone else to write who was still fighting to reproduce.

[Genie]

I have no wisdom to share on the CVS issue (just fervent prayers as I hit "refresh"), so I'll share this instead: A "friend" of my mother's took me to see the movie Tommy at the age of six, and I am still paralyzed in terror at the very thought of baked beans. Tina Turner scares the crap out of me too.

[terri c]

I had The Betty Crocker Cookbook for Boys and Girls. It was cute and easy. These days I suspect we would find that each recipe was loaded with fat, refined sugar, and sodium.

[Kelly]

Twice...TWICE in the past 3wks I've seen a small child having a total melt down (one sounded tired/hungry/etc, one sounded pissed off for purely selfish reasons) and both times the mother said something completely stunning. Once was "Stop it you're being embarrassing" (I kid you not) and the other was along the lines of "no I don't care!"

That's the sort of thing I *will* look down my nose at because seriously. Seriously!

[cursingmama]

It is tomorrow - and yet I wait for results. Can not begin to imagine how you are feeling - what with it being your uterus & pregnancy and all. Hopefully your head didn't explode.

[Nancy]

Just wanted to add in my voice to the chimes of hoping hoping hoping for good news for you and the fam.

[laura]

Praying hard for good news.

[Kathleen]

Here is part of the response I got from Redbook today:

"All I can say is that both of our bloggers had years of infertility, suffered at least a dozen miscarriages between them, and it is not at all clear yet whether Julia will keep her tentative pregnancy. I don’t wish for her to lose it, however, even if some of our viewers and users believe it nullifies our attempts to have a real conversation on our site about the pain, heartache and endless process of facing infertility."

So now those of us who think Lili is not the right person and/or handed thing incredibly poorly are different from Redbook in that, unlike them, we DO hope Julia will loose her tentative pregnancy.

Apparently jackassery is the rule at Redbook. How they hired Julia, I'll never know.

Julie, I'm so glad you've got your blog here and that good news is on your way very soon.

[Kristin]

I am totally baffled by the hatred of Lili. In one breath, people are saying, "It's too painful for me to read about someone who had a successful pregnancy," and in the next they say, "Julia, I'll be checking every hour to find out your results." Has everyone forgotten that Julia has successfully had a child and is now pregnant? So why do you hate Lili and not her?

And really, what is the big deal? I mean, this is Redbook! It's a cheesy women's magazine. Yeah, it's kind of dumb to intersperse news items with a personal journal in a site labeled "Trying to Get Pregnant," when none of the bloggers are actually trying to get pregnant at the moment. But it's also dumb to run cover stories every month claiming that they have the long-awaited secret to beauty/marriage/sex/fitness/organizing your closet or whatever. (Imagine all those vulnerable women who pick up the magazine in the checkout line, thinking they've finally found the key to a perfect life, only to realize it was just an empty headline, a poorly-written sham. The tragedy!) It's not as if the World Health Organization is taking a stand on infertility here.

By the way, Julia, I read you faithfully and am hoping hard for you.

[Betty M]

Delurking to second Cassie's suggestion of the River Cottage Family Cookbook. I know 3 yr olds who have cooked successfully (with help) from it.

I knew as soon as I read Lili's first post she was hitting the wrong note and I just stepped back to avoid the fallout. I couldn't believe the reaction though. Maybe as a post-infertile with children I have lost some of my IF edge but some people were downright mean. She was always on to a loser joining you though - it would be hard to find someone whose writing matches up to yours. Redbook doesn't make it over this side of the Atlantic but from their website her super chirpy style seems to be more what they are about rather than fine writing. It will blow over though - people who know you from here will stay here and go over only when you say and maybe Lili will hit the right note for others.

LOL, I saw an incredibly large penis, too. And then realised it was longer than the leg, and maybe I should hope it was something else. (it was, my girl's umbililical cord).

[Aurelia]

I'm agreeing with Kathleen. To imply that we are filled with schadenfreude towards another infertile no matter what anyone has commented to Lili, is_just_odd for a multinational media company that wants our eyeballs for their ads.

We're the customers, we are ALWAYS right.

(Not saying this applies to your blog Julia, just corporate ones, but I'm not feeling like signing in there after they implied what they did. So I'm leaving the comment here.)

If a politician or media company I was consulting for did that---well they never would do that because I'd advise them to apologize to the customer and relabel Lili's blog "Parenting after Infertility"- A well-known phrase that also gives sensitive readers a quick heads up, and also opens up a giant subject for her to write about.

11 years in, I KNOW that you don't parent like fertile myrtles after IF and miscarriages. You are never the same, and all those parenting columnists who cater to the fertile myrtles drive me insane. They just don't get it, but Lili would get that, and with twins she'll have a lot of personal material.

A niche market waiting to be filled, and here I just gave them the idea for free. Here's hoping they do something different, hmmm?

[Slim]

Where are your results? I am sending angry blog reader thoughts towards Rochester right now, and I am sure they sting like crazy. Or maybe they itch, like pigeye (see? I can make literary allusions, too). Anyway, I'm pretty sure they can feel it, and will be calling you with good news and many apologies, pronteau, as they say in France (another literary allusion! I'm on fire!)

The most exasperating thing about the whole ReDbOoK situation is the utter lack of reading comprehension on the part of people who insist that we hate Lili or we think only infertile people have anything worthwhile to say or we never draw hope from success stories.

[Barbara]

This is when I really wish I had RSS feed of your blog so I wouldn't check it 10x a day :) Hope you get GREAT news!
-B

[pk]

dear me i have bitten my nails off practically to the elbow and cannot imagine how you are.

and some people have been very rude about Lili, no matter whether she (and redbook) were a bit thoughtless.

[Heather G]

This is one time I wish I was a christian 'cos then I could pray for a good result. But I'm not, so I'm just thinking about you, and hoping for the best.

[Lauren]

Argh. Need. Update!

[Genie]

My actions today have led me to wonder at what point the act of refreshing spills over into cyber-stalking. Praying hard for the 13's and you.

[Heather]

On pins and needles waiting for an update. Praying hard for GREAT news!

[kay]

Please don't wait until Friday, the 13th to tell us about the 13s.

Hoping hard, everything crossed.

[Andrea]

:: finger aches ::

[Beth]

Hoping you are well.

[Kate]

Because I am a childless Woman in Her Thirties, I try with all my might to reign myself in from passing judgment on mothers of children who behave inappropriately in public. First because I feel I have no right to judge if I have never been wakened by a combination of small, vomiting human and leaky boobs (well, outside of college, that is). Second, because I worry that my judgment will somehow induce Bad Child Karma, and should I ever be able to reproduce, I will suddenly find myself in the battery aisle at Costco chasing a half-naked infant hell-bent on chugging industrial-sized Febreeze straight from the bottle. However, I could not help but judge like no one has judged before the day I went to see Spider-Man 3, and the woman sitting next to use had elected to bring her screaming, approximately 9-month-old son, who repeatedly tossed his bottle onto the slippery, oh-god-dont-touch-it movie theater floor, and I watched in horror each time she retrieved the bottle and, without taking her eyes off the big screen, stuffed the nipple into the kid's mouth. p.s. Normal! All the best to you. Salud from a hopeful PCOSer.