Sassy

Right now it is impossible for me to imagine there will ever be a time when I am not intimately acquainted with the life and times of Sassy. That I will forget when she was 151 years old. That I will no longer be able to tell you that she had made several trips to Antarctica and the moon, or that her grandmother was born in Russia. I may no longer recall that Sassy had a sister who, strangely, had no fixed name of her own but who was referred to almost exclusively as "Sassy's sister". I might not even remember that Sassy was a cat, but o! what a cat. A cat who could talk, walk on her hind legs, attend cat school and build neat, effective rockets for transport. Since it is possible my memory may fail me, I thought I should probably take a few minutes and write it all down.

Once upon a time Steve had two cats, littermates named Rusty and Sassy. Rusty is the one with the wonky kidneys who is asleep on my kitchen counter as I type this, but Sassy was killed when Steve's roommate accidentally let her out of the apartment twelve or thirteen years ago. Steve, for heaven knows what reason, mentioned the passing of Sassy to Patrick one day. Although he was not visibly affected by this tale of loss, some time thereafter he started talking about a cat. A cat named Sassy. But unlike her ill-fated namesake, this Sassy was not troubled by such inconveniences as mortality or even gravity. Sassy could do anything. And thus was born Patrick's imaginary cat who comes up in conversation so frequently I cannot even remember when I started being presented with her as a Platonic model for my own existence:

"Sassy makes a delicious dinner EVERY night," Patrick observes distantly when I confess that I have sandwiches or... sandwiches planned for that evening.

"Sassy ALWAYS stops at the stop sign," a voice coldly reminds me from the backseat when I execute something more in the nature of a second gear slow-and-turn.

"Sassy learned that in college. She learned it before college. She learned it in, like, second grade," Patrick scolded when I admit that despite having read the Penrose the Mathematical Cat page about binary number systems (TWICE) I still have absolutely no idea what 138 would be in binary.    

I don't know what most imaginary friends are like but I have to tell you, Sassy is kind of a pain in the ass. She is not a companion of any sort and Patrick gets quite offended if that mistake is made. She doesn't have a seat at the table and they certainly don't play or anything.Although there has been talk of her coming over for a visit once or twice, the visit has never materialized. In fact, as I think about it, I think the only times we were expecting Sassy were when Patrick was encouraging me to make an extra effort for dinner (alphabet french fries most likely) and offered the fact that we had company coming as an inducement.

My mother and I finally pieced together that Sassy exists as a kind of conversational device. Patrick's own experience is quite limited by years, size and subarbanitude so we think he felt like he needed something to bring some weight to his remarks. He could (and does) of course make up stuff in his own right but for whatever reason he frequently employs a prop to assist him: enter Sassy. Steve will be talking about some business thing or other at the dinner table and Patrick will join the conversation with, "Sassy once merged a company. She merged two actually I mean four. She merged four companies, yeah." Steve and I say "Oh how interesting" and we all talk from there.

I hope that Sassy is with us for another 151 years but in the event that she goes the way of Puff the Magic Dragon (which MY GOD contraband anyone? children's movie? what? was everyone INSANE in the 70s?) I wanted to state for the record: while I never lived up to the ideal she set I will miss her in all her otherworldly perfection.       

Three more things: I still plan on dying Patrick some socks (thank you for the suggestion) but in the interim I picked up some cool patterns at a sock shop (fine! I went to the Mall of America! we were in the neighborhood) but the real winners were the black-and-white, skull and crossbones pair I found at the Gap. Those are some bad-assed socks, I must say, particularly when worn (as Patrick prefers) as a singleton with a nice sedate stripe on the other side.

I suspected something two weeks ago, felt more sure last week and am now absolutely positive: I can feel the babies moving around (17w3d for those of you poking along at home). 13a mostly, although b has poked a few times too. With Patrick the placenta attached on the front and I rarely felt him through it. With these two, both placentas are on the back and I expect I will live to regret that eventually but for now it is wonderful. 

New REDBOOK post up today some time on my loser-like inability to do something other than housework on the rare occasions I am all alonely in my house. Comments welcome. Oh and I have said it before but no harm in repeating it: if you want to leave a comment there, terrific; if you want to leave one here instead, great. No comment at all anywhere ever? Ok too. No need to explain or apologize. I keep an open house, you know.   

PS Re. the ultrasound pictures. I called my mother to tell her I had put pictures up here and waited while she said, "OooooooooooooKkkkkkkkkkkkkkk." She couldn't tell what the hell they were. The top one is mostly 13a's head, facing outward, looking very much like either a skeleton or an alien depending upon your fantasy genre of choice. 13b is lying sweetly on his/her back, showing a nice leg on the left and a charming profile to the right.

Comments

[Cherith]

I am cracking up at your description of Patrick's imaginary world. Thanks for the giggle!

[Dara]

Sassy & Patrick. What a cool combo. There's a children's book in there somewhere, I do beleive.....

[ktjrdn]

How can yuo not see what the ultrasound images are? I guess I'm just good at interpreting them?

[Marie]

Ahhh, Sassy the conversational device. I might find it trying to be compared to the always-superior cat. :D

Delurking to say that although I comment infrequently if at all, I check in regularly and greatly enjoy reading your Patrick (and other) adventures!

[margalit]

What a fantastic imagination Patrick has. I hope that some day he becomes a writer like his mom, and shares his insights with the world. Wouldn't that be cool?

[sheilah]

10001010.

(Okay I cheated and used a converter...but I COULD have figured it out...)

[liz s]

I second that the U/S pictures were easy to interpret, but then agian, maybe its because I see them frequently.

[JuliaKB]

Hm.. I totally got what the pictures were. Is it because I have looked at way too many? Maybe, but the babies are still way cute.

Sassy rules. Really. I wonder if it would work on a doctor with attention-to-patient deficit disorder? Sassy looked at these test results last night, and she thought that... He-he...

It's awesome that you can feel them move now. In a couple of weeks Steve and Patrick should get to feel them too. That is so great. I am so so happy for you guys.

[Procrastamom]

Sassy reminded me of my daughter's imaginary friend. He was a people and he DID live with us. His name was SASSIO!!! You had to say it with a lot of feeling like that...SASSIO!!!

I wish I'd had a blog back when my kids were little, so I could remember all of these little encentricities. Sadly, my daughter is eleven now and Sassio died long ago. He met the same fate as my older daughter's imaginary friend "Laundry".

I wonder if your twins will invent extra people/animals in their lives or if having each other will be enough company? We'll have to wait and see.
:)

[kararipley]

Oh, so 13a is Skeleton Baby! That was really bugging me... I just could not figure it out, even using the cardboard red and blue 3d glasses.

I urge you to write down everything you can that Sassy does or says. I only wish I had recorded more. The "little cats" that I once heard about--well, let's just say that I fear that you may hear less about Sassy all too soon, and once the narrative dries up, it will probably be gone forever. And I don't remember the details nearly as clearly as I wish I did.

[elsimom]

My imaginary friends lived in an orange Winnebago. My sister's imaginary friends lived under the pine tree out front. When we moved, they refused to come (we only moved 4 blocks.) My brother had two imaginary friends, Chuck and Bountney. Why was his name Bountney? "Well, you can't call him Chuck!" Bountney's mother was a particular thorn in my mother's side, because Bountney's mother allowed him to do all the things my brother was NOT allowed to do. My mother announced one day that if she ever met Bountney's mother, she would punch her in the mouth.
But - as noted above, Sassy may soon be gone - I don't think any of us took our imaginary friends to school with us . . . .

[MJ]

What are binary numbers? Do we really need them? I vote no.

My children have two imaginary friends named, rather aptly, Mr. and Mrs. Invisible. Though I don't believe they are married to each other. They never come to dinner and usually "appear" during some imaginary game. I'm always somewhat comforted by the fact that my children realize that their imaginary friends are invisible.

When I was pregnant, I could always feel Baby A kicking me in the ribs. Baby B hardly ever moved. So much so that I went for multiple ultrasounds where I said, "But I can't feel Baby B. Could you check that s/he is still alive?" Strangely, Baby A became a child who loves to run, move and as an infant constantly kicked her feet. Baby B is a more sedate child who still spends a lot of time in stillness, playing but quietly. So that could mean something or nothing.

[Kristine]

I personally had 3 imaginary friends. Tutie, Pootie, and Vanessa. I left one at a fruit stand, and when I announced it to my mother, she suggested my friend who was on vacation at the time would probably bring her back with him. He did.

Also being a huge nerd, I figured out the binary thing for my own knowledge, but I also cheated and used Excel - something is wrong with me, when presented with a math problem, I MUST do it, even if the answer is given, I need to know it's right. 10001010

[Kristin]

What great stories about Sassy! On my wedding night we used an alias so my husband's friends wouldn't put gross things in our bed and such, and our name was a combo of his two imaginary friends. He still remembers them, so maybe Patrick will continue to remember Sassy.

As for the twin movement. I swear I felt movement at 13/14 weeks and my OB said it probably was. I always assumed I felt A more, but it turns out their arms and her feet were all in the upper left quadrant of my ever-growing belly, so while I thought it was always him, it was most likely both of them. Now, well...they are in constant motion on the outside. So excited for you!

[victoria]

I LOVE Patrick! I love your writing! I love YOU! Oh, how I am filled with love today.

[designenvy]

I love the imaginary friends stories. My son is still too young but I can't wait to see what he comes up with. My nephew had an imaginary friend who was an adult who worked in construction and told him about his wife and kids and how work went. I think it helped him relate to his dad. His sister was not as creative. One time I was looking after her and her cousin (from the other side of her family). Her cousin Jane had two imaginary friends named something like Kwashera and Motobimba. My niece Kylee, had two imaginary friends named Kylee and Kylee.

The author Adam Gopnik wrote an essay (which is in his book Through the Children's gate) called "Bumping into Mr. Ravioli" It is about and I'm quoting "his daughter Olivia's imaginary friend Charlie Ravioli. What worried her parents was that Charlie Ravioli was always too busy to play with Olivia. He had meetings; he was cancelling lunch; he screened her calls. In other words, he was a New Yorker on the hustle. Eventually he married a girl called Kweeda, who, according to Olivia, died of 'Bitterosity.'"

[Libby]

So cool that you can feel the babies move!

And that Patrick is just too funny with all the Sassy talk. Sofia also has an imaginary friend. His name is Juni. She used to talk on and off about a certain Juni, but I thought it was because she had just seen the Spy Kids movies. One day she told me that Juni's mom had abandoned him (the hell?) and she asked if he could live with us. He has been "staying" with us ever since.

It's rather amusing I have to say.

[Country Mouse]

I want to see an ongoing cartoon series of the Adventures of Sassy.

[Heather]

Love the stories about Patrick's friend Sassy. I don't think my DD ever had an imaginary friend. She spent most of her preschool years wanting to be a cat. She was a black cat for Halloween two years in a row. I'd often find her in the middle of the day changed into her cat costume asking me to draw whiskers on her.

[Becky]

My imaginary friend, Charlie, was invisible to me as well as my parents. He/she/it (Charlie was non-sexed) slept on my bed canopy and, when I was older, did have comic strip adventures (it's quite easy to draw an invisible friend).

[Jana]

My 3.5 year old just this weekend starting having imaginary friends. Although so far his are actual characters that come to visit, namely Diego and Alicia. They have been doing all sorts of fun things together and I just think whatever floats his boat is fine with me!

Apple and Barbie are just precious! I have a face shot of my second born just like that and I sent it out in a Valentine E-card to our friends and family and they were all so confused by it! I guess it's a face only a mother could love (or tell what it is!)

[nate]

My friends were Dinaho and Louis. No idea where that came from. Dinah Shore? Dinah won't you blow your horn? Louis the swan? That's all I can guess. My brother had Boarnose.

C is enthralled w/ Whos. Sometimes I catch her talking quietly to herself--I'll ask her what she's saying, and she'll say "Oh nothing. I was just talking to Whos." Yes, we recently read Horton...

[Jenifer]

Let Patrick know that there are many Sassy's in the world. I have one that is contemplating taking over the world under my bed right now. Sassy La Rue Diva Superstar Kitty Cat almost lives up to Patrick's standards, except for business. She has no understanding of numbers.

[tana]

My 5 year old Megan has an entire menagerie of imaginary kids and friends. They rarely have the same names over again and her kids are usually much older and mature than she is. She talks quite often of her 2 year-old daughter who got her period and had a baby. She uses them to chastise me for doing/not doing things much like Patrick seems to do with Sassy.

Once we were at the mall and I had to hold the door open for all 35 of them to exit.

[Daisie]

I am so glad you explained the u/s pics in your P.S. because I didn't know what I was looking at with the first one. The second one is oh so sweet but the first...I was so confused. However, I turned my laptop sideways and NOW I see it! LOL How cool you can feel the babies. I'm right at 12 weeks and can't wait to feel the baby!

[Shannon]

In regards to the Redbook blog (I hate signing in), I have VERY little free time, with three kids five and under and a husband that works nonstop, but I find myself bored when everyone is gone, even though I crave the space. I usually reorganize, go through old clothes or call every person I know because I don't know what to do with myself. Who knows, maybe I've forgotten how to enjoy "nothingness" because I never have "nothing" to do.

[Kelly Giglio]

I just ran across your blog today. In one post I'm absolutely in love with Patrick and wish I had a friend like Sassy.

[silene]

I was going to mention Adam Gopnick's "Mr. Ravioli" essay that designenvy did above - it first appeared in the New Yorker and was then made part of his book, "Paris to the Moon". The best part of the story is that Mr. Ravioli is so busy that the daughter eventually winds up speaking exclusively to his "personal assistant". There is great concern over whether it's normal for a child's imaginary friend to be too busy to play with the child who created it...

Glad to hear the babies are moving around for you!

[victoria]

My prayers are answered! Not one piece of writing from you but two! In one day!

Now, I know this may sound churlish in the face of your generosity, but then, I did say I was a needy reader:

I wonder if the good folks at REDBOOK might be willing to hear some feedback about their layout? I'm not talking about the sucktacular web page that seems to crash every time you try to use is. No, I'm talking about the fact that they glop all the different "moms" into one and only one "moment."

When I go there, looking for an update on a hair-raising encounter between Julia and the perinatologist, or hoping for another scrumptious dollop of Patricky goodness, and instead I find Alyssa nattering on about Ethan or whatever the f*&k she named her brat, I find myself less than interested in Alyssa and her family, charming and talented though they no doubt are. In fact, I find myself heartily wishing that Alyssa were consigned to some Luddite colony that deprived her of internet access altogether so that I would never have to hear from her again.

It's not that there's anything wrong with Alyssa or indeed any not-Julia I find posting there. It's just that when I go there for my Julia-fix and find someone else in Julia's place, I view the usurper with something less than warmth and friendly curiosity.

This is unfortunate. No doubt, if I were *expecting* to see Alyssa there, I would be *willing* to read Alyssa and give her a chance. As it is, as soon as I figure out it's not Julia, I flounce out in a petty huff.

REDBOOK is stupid to lump all its moms into one moment, as though all moms were interchangeable, as though it was just one seething indistinguishable cauldron of mom goodness that readers were looking for.

Readers become interested in blogs because they become attached to, and interested in, a particular blogger. They want to find out what's going on in her life. How did that last crisis resolve? Did Patrick's bully, Thuggo, ever get what's coming to him? Are the twins normal? If a reader is expecting Blogger A but gets Blogger B instead, she may feel cheated, and hostile.

So to give readers what they want, REDBOOK should *segregate* different writers on different pages. That way, instead of *tricking* readers into reading their other bloggers, they can give readers the option of *browsing* other bloggers, voluntarily, when they're in the mood for, and receptive to, something new.

If REDBOOK really wants to cross-pollinate the moms' moments, maybe it could encourage the writers to hyperlink to each others' entries, again, giving the reader a choice about whether to find out how Ethan is coping with his stupid toddler bed. Or not.

[Bobbi]

Damn Victoria. Pretty harsh. Maybe if you looked hard enough, instead of ranting on, you might notice the "just show me" button, click Julia, and shut up...

Sorry, but please....

[Ailel]

Hi, Julia!

I think your theory about Patrick using Sassy to discuss things technically beyond his realm is spot-on. My youngest brother used to tell us stories by saying things like "When I was 40 . . ." or "When I was in college . . ." This was at about age 4. He turns 30 on Friday and he has adjusted pretty well, I'd say - we just can't seem to find a smart enough companion for him. Oh, well!

I love hearing about Patrick because it reminds me of my adorable bouncing baby braniac brother.

[billy]

sassy almost seems godlike- or more precisely the ntemediary between humans and god- god being you- and sassy being christ or whoever- a saint perhaps- but it almost sounds like a religious experience for him- ive only read this one post and may be terribly off base- but when a people think themselves too lowly to talk directly too a higher power they invent an intermediary- the pope - the saints- mary- jesus et al. billy

[Naomi]

My younger daughter made up an imaginary other mother when she was three. Her other mom Ella took her all sorts of interesting places and was much laxer, generally, with the rules than I am. ("Kiera, please stop jumping on the couch." "My other mom Ella lets me jump on the couch at her house." "That's fine. She can set the rules at her house. Here, we don't jump on the couch.")

The funniest thing about this was that she was convincing enough with her stories that her preschool teacher was wondering if we had someone living with us, or if my husband had left me for another woman, or....what, exactly. She apparently wondered about this for WEEKS until one day I mentioned that Kiera had an imaginary supplementary mother and this look of immense relief crossed her face and she said, "OH! I wondered..."

[Pam L]

I seriously can't remember having an imaginary friend myself, and my oldest never had one that I remember. My younger son talked about "the little people in the curtains" for while. He had a very hard time sleeping, didn't like the dark, had to sleep with a light. He seemed to see them only at night or when he was alone in his room. He told me they lived in the folds of his curtains and that sometimes Kiki, the cat, chased them around. He was around 3, I think, but it didn't last long and he never gave them names or made real characters out of them.

[Pam L]

I seriously can't remember having an imaginary friend myself, and my oldest never had one that I remember. My younger son talked about "the little people in the curtains" for while. He had a very hard time sleeping, didn't like the dark, had to sleep with a light. He seemed to see them only at night or when he was alone in his room. He told me they lived in the folds of his curtains and that sometimes Kiki, the cat, chased them around. He was around 3, I think, but it didn't last long and he never gave them names or made real characters out of them.

[KarenT]

Patrick is a hoot. I think all those comments he gave you in the past about what you could use those spare rooms for were his indirect way of asking for a sibling. He is now probably thinking that it took you a long time to catch on.

I recently discovered that my 5 year old has an imaginary friend when I walked into the kitchen to find her apeaking in a very clear "telephone voice" into space: "Well, I have to go now. It's time for me to boss my little sister." I asked to whom she was speaking, and she gave me one of those "my mother is sooo stupid looks" amd said "my imaginary friend.
So nice to hear how well the pregnancy is going.

[Jen A]

I definitely think the ultrasound thing is generational. When I was pregnant with DD, we "told" people I was pregnant by handing them a copy of the ultrasound. Pretty much anyone over 50 just looked at it and looked back at us blankly. After receiving this blank look several times, I start fumbling through an explanation like, "It's a baby!.......In my uterus.....Yes, it's ours."

[robin j.]

My son has an imaginary friend he's named 'Owonica.' She is an older girl (9! he's 3!) who apparently spends her time telling my son to stop following her around.

[wheelomatic]

Mostly U/Ss look like so much abstract art on film to me. However these 2 popped right out as Skeleton Baby and Asphalt, no problem.

Pleading non-experience here (no babies), but may I just say wow! Those are REAL! KIDS! in there. I had no idea they looked like that so soon. Very Happy for you!!

[Tamsen]

80s child here, and grew up watching Puff the Magic Dragon. I even have some of the VHS's still which were quite amusing during the college years while doing illicit things.

Still have them, so I guess I have contraband material?? Goodness, and I thought I had reformed.

[MindyMax]

My kids had 'mousies'. And an entire community, complete with laws, language, ettiquete, etc. that mousies were required to follow. And the high, squeaky voices that went with them. They are now 14 and 16 1/2 (boys) and every once in a while, I'll hear a 'mousy' conversation between them. Still, even after all this time. It's how they 'work out' things, I guess.

Oh, and we have one of those flat, wood ice cream 'spoons' with eyes (well, one's missing)carefully wrapped in a paper towel, with a violet flower pressed and sealed with scotch tape wrapped around the whole thing in the freezer. That's 'Mr. Fuji' who is cryogenically frozen and may return to battle one day (so they tell me). I suggested we might want to move him from the freezer and you would have thought I was killing someone. So he's still in there.

Love Patrick! and congrats on the babies!

[Erica]

All hail SASSY! For awhile, we had Bruiser (from "Legally Blonde") as an imaginary friend, traipsing around the house getting into trouble. But he was nothing compared to the hind-legged glory of SASSY!

[MollieBee]

!Babies kicking!

[Nearlydawn]

Patrick is one neato kid. I can't imagine what life must be like with that imagination roaming around the house. LOL

I would sooooo love to see books re: Sassy and Patrick. What fun!!!

[dianalyzer]

Our dear friend had an imaginary husband named "Havvy" when she was a wee one. They had children, too, but I can't recall their names. I love that stuff! Sassy the cat - it's so great - and perfect that Sassy seems so . . . sassy in everyway. Oh - wonderful baby flutters & flips!

[dianalyzer]

Ooops - every way. "Everyway" seems like a direction.

[Evy]

I redirected here from Redbook to say: I may not know anything about getting kids to clean up , and come to think of it, I can't say I know your stance on Patrick and computer games, but I was reminded of The Incredible Machine.

It's a computer game where you can build what you elegantly called kinetic sculpture and what I only know as Rube Goldberg machines. You arrange various items (rubber bands, various balls, fans, etc) to make your own or, and I do hope I'm remembering this right, you arrange a handful of pre-determined items to reach an objective in a more linear gameplay.

[Marsha]

re: cleaning up? Dunno. Mine are nearly 7 and 3 and I'll let you know when it happens.

re: "kinetic sculpture". I didn't know this name - we call them "marble runs" and my son has been making them out of dominos (the old kind bought from ebay), a marble run we bought from Taurus Toys (works with Duplo and made in Maine!), wooden blocks and his sister's ponytail holders. Check youtube for lots and lots of movies of all kinds of domino/marble/kinetic sculpture stuff. Very cool (but watch for stuff inappropriate for small eyes).

[anonymous]

On Redbook bit on cleaning up:

There's a pretty simple (if hard-ass) way: Ask Patrick to pick up his toys. Set a timer to twice (or whatever increment you find appropriate) what you think is a reasonable period of time for him to accomplish the task at hand. Let him know you are doing that and how long he has and what exactly he is required to do.

When the timer goes off, you pick up the toys that are still out. Everything you pick up, he loses the privilege of playing with for a week.

A similar approach works with kids who refuse to do something, rather than just doing it slowly. Decide how many times you are willing to make the request that they clean up, and then after, anything out is gone for a week.

This approach isn't right for all kids/families. And if you aren't going to be able to stick with whatever time period of "time-out" for the toys that you decide on and tell you kid, you're probably best off trying something else, since consistency and meaning what you say is what makes this one work.