To Steve

rainbow colorssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!hereeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Huh. I leave my computer open for five minutes while I get dressed and I seem to have been the victim of some kind of graffiti artist. With no witnesses however we will never be able to track down the perpetrator, alas.

Thank you very much for the nice messages and emails checking on the welfare of me and mine. We are fine, though saddened by the losses in the Twin Cities this week. I wrote about it briefly at REDBOOK yesterday, wondering (as we all have in the past) what one can DO when there are tragedies. I hate feeling helpless.

I have spent most of my week crying (for various reasons, new REDBOOK post going up later re. contractions being part of it) and Steve has spent most of his week pulling me onto his lap to hold me. We watch Netflix with me lying on his chest. We hold hands. He is being so gentle and kind and solicitous and, well, I never thought I would say this but, so NURTURING that it quite takes my breath away at times.

I had this massive revelation in the past few days. The first time I started to cry this week and I let Steve hug me, I realized that I had never let him do that before. With every miscarriage I would quite literally push him away when he would try to comfort me. I didn't WANT him to console me. I wanted to be mad at someone and I wanted to grieve alone. The fact that he continued to try over the years is really quite a testament to his essentially loving nature. While the miscarriages and our reactions to them put various significant strains on our marriage, I think we did pretty well all things considered. When I think about the past eight years I can remember a lot of miserable times but I do not think of those years as being miserable. Quite happy, actually. What had never occurred to me until my recent epiphany is that my version of those times is quite possibly skewed. In my mind I suffered and Steve ignored me. It is more likely true that I suffered, I rejected Steve and he left me alone. So, having shared all of this with you in the past, I wanted to let you know that I think I might have gotten it wrong. And I am sorry for that.

I have received so many emails over the years asking how you keep things together when the agony of infertility is driving itself between you and your partner and I never really knew what to say. I think I might finally have an answer for you: you just keep loving them. And for the first time I recognize that this isn't just me loving Steve despite his frequently referenced "nurturing limitations" it was Steve continuing to love me despite how wrecked and hurt and angry I was.

And right now I feel like we are being rewarded a hundred times over for our mutual forbearance. We are so excited about the twins and so in love with Patrick (and each other but I don't want to make you sick or anything) that this is one of our best times ever.

I am sure that life will send something to fuck with us any minute, though, so I am trying to enjoy the harmony while I can. This might be my way of saying there can be unexpected benefits from perseverance but I don't want to REALLY jinx myself so I will shut up.

Hope you are all very well and to my fellow Minnesotans I add an especially fervent wish for you.    

Comments

[jessica]

Wow, you are just so fortunate to have a man like that. I mean seriously. What a treasure.

[LMM]

So glad you and yours are OK. The last couple of days have been surreal having this happen here. My backyard. A bridge I drive over, not daily, but weekly. Anyway.

Lovely to hear about Steve and that you may have been wrong all these years. I like him even more now.

Finally, I know how you're feeling. After three years and three losses we're 29 weeks pregnant and I am bordering on euphoria most days. My pregnant friends are hot and cranky and I can't stop laughing at the silliest things. My husband doesn't know what to make of it but I'm just so bloody HAPPY. Love him, love our house, like my job, love my life. I keep waiting for something terrible to happen, figuring that the fates don't allow someone to feel this good without throwing a curve ball their way.
But maybe we've earned it, you know?

[cursingmama]

I read you update on Redbook and am glad to hear that the contractions should be subsiding and the joy of pregnancy should be returning. I'm also glad to hear that you & your family are safe.

[victoria]

OK glad to hear Steve's a good guy and very loving blah blah blah but CONTRACTIONS? You were having CONTRACTIONS and not telling us?

[Cat, Galloping]

To your question over at RB, where I am too lazy to register, did I worry? And how! I never stopped worrying till I showed up for my scheduled c-section and they attached those monitors. At that point I figured if anything went wrong they'd have him out in a jiffy. The only good thing was that because it was my body I didn't trust, the worry evaporated as soon as Gatito was born.

[Dara]

I am so glad you and your family are OK.

We are having our third baby after 3 previous m/c's and everything is going great, but I expect that shoe to drop, you know? I am trying to relax and enjoy being pregnant, but really, I can't wait until he's born. As the weeks go by, I do find myself more at ease, so I am sure by week 35, I'll be just fine!!!

Stay cool....

[JuliaKB]

Contractions? Contractions are not good. Contractions freak me out.

I am glad you and Steve are so good now. Minus the tears, it's a great place to be.

And I wanted to say that I know the desire to push away, so just sit with your hurt by yourself. I am much better about not doing that now, but not all better.

[Cris]

No, no contractions. What does your doctor say?

And, as to the rest, all we can do is say, 'right now, just this second, everything is okay,' and try to let the rest go. I hate that life isn't promised to us and that having one or twelve tragedies doesn't mean we won't have another. Hate it. Shouldn't there be a quota? But I just try to stay focused on the now.

Hmmm, the now in which I hear glasses rattling and only the four year old is up right now. Got to go!

[Lisa B]

If I say you're a lucky woman, does that sound wrong? I mean, I know the heart-breaking times you've gone through, but through it all, having a man you love, a child you love, and a life you love is amazing. I'm not a mushy person, but realizing how surrounded by love you are - even through all the suffering you've gone through makes me tear right up. That's not me. That's love.

[Kel]

Gosh, once again, you're so smart. Thank you for this superhighway acknowledgement of your own responsibility in how things work or don't in your relationship. I'm going to sit down and be quiet for a few minutes today and do a like-very-wise assessment all because you pointed the way.

I started having contractions at 26 weeks. Did the tributiline(sp?) once, which seem to do the trick and then when they started again at 32 weeks, the doctor said she'd just let them go. Water, water, and more water and laying on my side with a watch trying to relax and breathe.

Hang in there.

Kel

[Sinda]

One of your sweetest posts ever.

I have to say, I look back fondly at both of my pregnancies for that reason - the closeness between my husband and me. His support of me during those times and especially his amazing partnership during the births just blow me away, and make me want to have more babies, with him.

[Shannon]

I had TONS of Braxton-Hicks with our second baby, starting at 4 mo. Scary, but all went well. She was three weeks early, but everything was fine. Rest on your left side a LOT and drink tons too. Keep checking in with your OB, I'm sure it will be fine!

[Beth]

I'm so glad you all are ok. Such a tragedy with the bridge.

This was a very sweet post -- but, contractions! Going off to Redbook to read the update ...

Take care.

[Kristin]

You and I sound a lot alike re: husbandly nurturing. I have recently realized I do much the same as you're describing - pushing a wonderful man away out of a misguided sense of strength (I'm not saying that's why you do it, but it's definitely why I do). I was taught to be very self-sufficient and while I crave holding and comforting when the hard times come, I also push away that comfort and think I'm strong by doing it. It's a crazy thing... but not as uncommon as you might think.

Thanks for helping me feel not so alone.

[Kristin]

You and I sound a lot alike re: husbandly nurturing. I have recently realized I do much the same as you're describing - pushing a wonderful man away out of a misguided sense of strength (I'm not saying that's why you do it, but it's definitely why I do). I was taught to be very self-sufficient and while I crave holding and comforting when the hard times come, I also push away that comfort and think I'm strong by doing it. It's a crazy thing... but not as uncommon as you might think.

Thanks for helping me feel not so alone.

[Stephanie]

So lovely about you and Steve finally getting to be purely happy.

As for Braxton Hicks (read the Redbook but refuse to register over there, too much work), I had TONS of them throughout my (healthy, singleton) pregnancy, and mine were often somewhat painful or at least very uncomfortable, and they were much worse when I had two different UTIs during my preg. I didn't find the water-drinking and the side-lying to make that much of a difference, but I did it anyway because, well, why not.

The hard part is that the nurse would tell me one thing and the OB/GYN would tell me another and all the books said BH were painless and we know that's just wrong.

Also, in my case, it was hard to tell whether it was a contraction or a very active baby doing jumping jacks, or both.

[sheilah]

I LIKE thinking of them as the 13s. Before I even read the REDBOOK post I read your first paragraph and thought "So glad 13a & 13b are okay."

Now I can't call them that?

Rats!

[Libby]

That was such a sweet post Julia.

Steve has always been a winner in my mind (let's not forget that he is a dead ringer for Pierce Brosnan during his Remintong Steele days -swoon!)but I must confess that his reaction to the miscarriages (at least what I took from your writings here)was always a bit puzzling to me. It's nice to have this perspective now.

I am so glad to hear you are all OK and that you are enjoying each other so much these days. May the contractions stay away so you can continue to enjoy your pregnancy.

[JK]

Amazing post. I'm very happy for you!

[vickey]

Hi - Sorry, this is related to your Redbook post. The UTI's - ugh. I have had MANY. Since you are pregnant, you definately have to take the antibiotics, but I suggest you also look into d-Mannose. It is a natural sugar that reduces frequency/heal UTI's by coating the interior of the bladder. The bacteria can't stick anymore, and voila, UTI goes away.

I used it for last UTI (first time ever without antibiotics), and want to buy it in bulk.
Hope you feel better!

[Spacemom]

So glad you are okay.. in the relative sense...

[lizneust]

Lovely post!

Re: Braxton-Hicks. Had them constantly through both my singleton pregnancies. I describe it as someone pulling a thread (strong steel & teflon thread) out of my belly just under my navel, leaving the rest of my poor body as hard as a overinflated basketball. REALLY uncomfortable. I found walking fast, bending over and dehydration were my big triggers. Once you figure out what your's are, you can at least plan on them. I built in an extra 5 minutes in my morning commute, just to walk from parking lot to office door. Also, do NOT get constipated - makes the whole hard belly thing even worse. And just to be fair to the OB community, when they say BH's aren't painful, they mean as compared to delivery-type contractions. "If you can talk through it, it isn't a real contraction." (Stupid, sadistic OBs...grrr)

Glad to hear the feast of maximum occupancy continues.

[Becca]

I really love this post. It is so handy to have the ability to comment because well I have a comment. Because I love human nature and enjoy analyzing behavior I wanted to very respectfully wonder if part of your reservation to accept Steve's love could be due to resentment. Being frank, this was his issue that caused you so much heart ache. What I love is that even if that was a subconscious thought you were determined to see the issue as a team issue.
The other thing I wanted to add (I haven't read your new post at REDBOOK about the contractions yet) I had bracstin Hick contractions with my twin pregnancy starting at 13 weeks. I say this also reverently knowing that any inclination of pre-term labor is so scary but just wanted you to know that it happened to me and I managed to carry the twin for 38 weeks with very mild bed rest.
Thinking of you and wishing this pregnancy would fast forward to the happy ending we all crave.

[Ninotchka]

Do you remember that particular email exchange we had years ago? Where I jokingly told you that you would now have to be my best friend because of what I had revealed to you about the state of my marriage at the time? As funny as it sounds, I feel as though this post redeems me because I SO get it. "Anger is [quite often] anger at oneself." I look back and think...man, it was soooo Me. I was the culprit. I was being the very best crazy, impatient, deer-caught-in-head-lights, frightened, angry me that I could be. And Guy still loved me. Or tried to anyway. And he now acts as if I've always been nothing but a sweet, purring kitten. I, too, had gotten it wrong.

Are we lucky or what, Jules? God bless, my friend!

[Beth]

RE: braxton hickses (hicksi?), I felt them from about 12 weeks onward when I was expecting twins: hard, painful, 'round the clock. Getting plenty of rest, and staying well-hydrated was all that helped.

[Leggy]

I'm sorry about the BH contractions- I had them starting at about 19 weeks- I was traveling and 2000 miles from home and it was awful. In my pregnancy (twins @ 37 weeks), I had 7 frantic trips to L&D. So I can very much relate to the panic. To get so far and then have early contractions is incredibly scary.

[Aurelia]

It's very hard for me to comment here because every time I had a painful braxton hicks contraction, I was in preterm labour and my evil cervix was funneling. Non-painful? eh, a couple. That was it. So I associate any and all contractions with a baby coming, sometimes too early.

Never mind paranoid me. I'm sure you are fine. Of course, if you wanted to rent an ultrasound machine, and shoot up progesterone every twenty minutes, no one on the internet would blame you.

I'm sure your Doctor isn't going to get all relaxed and la-di-da just because of the perfect CVS. I'm sure he is very very vigilant.

That is nice about Steve. We all don't talk about it on our blogs much, but marriages really can suffer with all the hell infertility and pregnancy loss can bring. I'm glad you two are doing well. It's lovely to know you have such support during trying times.

[Jo]

Steve? The man is a keeper. Even with the mutant sperm, the man is a keeper.

And I started having B-H contractions at 11 weeks with my twin pregnancy. Felt like my uterus was a hard little grapefruit in there. And they continued, off and on, throughout my pregnancy. They never turned into anything significant. In fact, I was induced, and even THEN my cervix refused to dilate! So all of that is to say, expect to have 'em, but it sounds like the UTI was the culprit for the frequency and intensity. I know you had PTL with Patrick, but this doesn't necessarily mean anything ominous for lucky 13's. I'm so sorry you had that worry, along with all the trauma that has occured over the last few days in the Twin Cities.

[llcsis]

Brax.Hicks - Had them all thru 2nd & 3rd trimesters w/ both preg. as soon as I started to show. They weren't painful exactly, but felt squeezing all the way up to my throat, almost like something pulling. Very intense. Rock hard uterus.

I know how you love your workouts, :) but try to cut back. No nature walks, no fishing... yes, that was a joke. To get extremely personal, orgasm would set it off, so I avoided that for awhile - not sex, just...(blush) Sacrifices. Amazing and appalling what we tell people we've never met isn't it?

Love the Patrick update, laughed my butt off about the guilt post in RB, if there's a mom out there that doesn't feel like that, I don't want to know her. Re: Steve, truly, he sounds wonderful and I'm jealous. Re: hindsight being 20/20, all you can count on in life is that you will look back and cringe &/or laugh. Take care - L

[Tonya]

When I was having pre-term labor with my baby, I was similarly diagnosed with a "silent" UTI. My midwife said that it's rare for a woman to feel one during pg, but contractions like you experienced are a big indicator.

I'm SO glad you found out and that things are calming down. Mine PTL started at 32 weeks, but given your history (I've had 3 m/c myself) I KNOW how terrifying that feeling is. Hoping you're doing better and that those contrax GO AWAY for good (or, at least for another 20 weeks or so). :)

[Barbara]

Just a note about RB and registering: They ask for personal information on an UNENCRYPTED page. I sent them 2 emails about it but have received no response. So, I'll read your posts there, but I won't respond over there. Thanks for your continual posts. Your writing is a pleasure to read, no matter what the subject. -B

[Chickenpig]

The beginning of this post scared the crap out of me, I was sure that something had happened that required Steve's comfort...like another miscarriage or something. I am extremely relieved to see that all is well, including the blissful state of your union :)Your marriage is rock solid, and that is a very good thing, because if you think infertility and miscarriages can shake a marriage, just wait until the storm that is newborn twins hits. The two of you really seem to get each other and work as a team really well, which will be incredibly important.

I was having contractions frequently, but apparently I was unable to feel them, right up until the day I delivered. I was on a monitor at one point and the nurse said "You can't feel THAT??" ummm I guess not. From what you're describing I guess that was a pretty good thing. From what I'm told the contractions are extremely common in multiple pregnancies and don't indicate that you will have any problems going full term. (fingers crossed and knocking on wood)

[Beth]

The contractions are common, but don't brush them aside with twins. Don'ty hesitate to use terbutaline or anything else your doctor may decide you need to keep those babies growing strong. I spent about 10 weeks on medications and nearly 7 on hospital bedrest and I'd do it all again gladly for my gorgeous twins of course.
Wishing you the best.

[carosgram]

NBHHY

[Judy]

"Do children become completely different people when their parents aren't around?"

I think Patrick was probably giving the rambunctions kids ideas, i.e. was smart enough to have them act the ideas out.

I'm trying to catch up on my reading, but with 2 blogs it's tough. You scared the crap out of me with 'losses in twin cities.' My head has been in the sand, so only in the last few minutes did I learn of the twin cities tradgedy. I do find that I'm overly effective by news ever since having children, so during bad weeks (like this one) I tend to avoid the news.

We can't give blood, so we give money. Husband is from UK, and they won't take UK blood, because of Mad Cow's diease. The fact that he lived here during the Mad Cow's disease epidemic does not seem to matter, nor does the fact that he's from Norhtern Ireland (not main land UK - Mad Cow's disease did not make it off the mainland) matter. I'm just chronically anemic. I had an employer that frowned upon people not participating in the company blood drive, so I went, knowing I would get turned down. The woman looked at my test results and gave me the 'you must be joking' look. My reply was "yes, I know, sorry to waste your time, but my boss asked me when, not if, I was going to the cafeteria to give blood." I got the sticker for participating, and I guess that was all that mattered to him. Long story short, if you can't give blood give money.

[winecat]

It's so sweet to hear about your family lovefest. Somehow I always know (for as long as I've been reading your blog anyway) that no matter what you and Steve are wild about each other and always will be.

hugs to you all

[Nicky]

For the people who won't comment at Rebook, yes they ask for personal information, but it doesn't say WHOSE. They don't even check the email address. So just put anything in and don't worry about it.

[meg]

Glad you are ok and that you are doing well. Have you had time to check out my blog yet?

[Stacy]

But you are okay!?
Phew.
Seriously, my stomach was in my throat and my heart was stuck until I read all the way through the two postings. Sheesh. I am living this pregnancy with you - and four weeks ahead of you. But seriously, SO glad you and the ROUSs are A-OK.
And hell ya, 19 days is WAAAAAY toooo long between sonograms. I too am a junkie - thanks to an elevated NT and normal CVS, we have to check in on him at least once a week to be sure, and I've gotten happily used to that. :)

[Becky]

Also too lazy to register at the other site, I'm just chiming in to state that ROUS is an excellent term for the 13's, but that (for the moment) they are really only rodents of usual size.

[Linda]

Since you are from Minnesota, I have heard that the nickname for the Minnesota Twins is the affectionate name "Twinkies." Or you may just want to refer to them as the "Minnesota Twins 2" or MT2s.

[SarahD]

Ah, interesting revelation about Steve. Maybe you two are finally getting both sides of the equation right :)

[Amelie]

This was such a sweet post. You are lucky to have Steve. I think I also push people away when I'm sad rather than let them comfort me. Until all the anger and grief breaks out and R comes to hold me.

[Devon]

Hi Julia! I am a devoted reader of Julie's blog but this is the first time I have read yours. I am glad you are doing well, and congrats on the twins!! I will add you to my blog list LOL... you're a great writer!

I noticed on your Redbook blog (this is what happens when you don't have one of those pesky job things) that you have been getting UTI's. I used to get them chronically and was on antibiotics all the time. Then I discovered d-Mannose -- it's a dietary supplement and it's just a simple sugar so there's no side effects or anything, but it is really effective at flushing out the buggies. ClearTract brand is a good one. Anyway, something you might want to check out. It really works!!

Take care :)

[Devon]

P.S. I used to teach preschool and the answer is YES YES YES!! Kids ARE completely different when their parents aren't around. I can't tell you how many conversations I had with parents where I wasn't sure we were talking about the same child. It's not just you!