Hostess

Traditionally we have hosted a party for Steve's teammates every year....

I interrupt this post to bring you the fact that a bear - A BEAR, people, A BLACK BEAR - just wandered down our hill, sniffed at a raspberry bush, came within ten feet of the porch and then strolled off towards the neighbors. I find this cool because, hey, who doesn't like to see Nature in all its glory; and yet strangely disconcerting at the same time. Steve laughed at me as I not only closed but locked the window leading onto the porch, asking if I thought the bear might try to jimmy it. My husband is shockingly limited in his morbid imaginings. Of course I expect the bear to try to force the window...

so we have always had this party (sometimes in the winter; sometimes in the summer - occasionally both) and it has been fine despite the fact that the guests keep getting younger and younger while I do not. For some reason... oh I know! it was the fact that Steve has broken both his legs or shredded both his knees or whatever it is he has done that prevents him from walking up or down stairs without hobbling... I sort of thought our days of giving house room to this gathering were over. That Steve would no longer throw the team party since he has retired from the team. Silly me. A few weeks ago a friend/former teammate asked if Steve would mind having the party again and Steve asked would I mind having the party again and I... well, I did mind, actually.

But I am mostly sloshing over with the milk of human kindness these days so I said yes my little lump of love, sure, if you like, but I added a few small conditions:

1. I did not want to personally clean anything or make anything or buy anything.

2. I did not want them to destroy or even slightly damage my house.

3. I did not want to be kept awake after 11 o'clock.

4. I did not want people getting themselves into a situation that would require them to sleep over. Last year I wound up feeding a handful of gray and sickly people breakfast the next day and I don't mean to be persnickety but I do think staying at a party for 19 hours is pushing the limits of hospitality. If you are going to drink such that I cannot let you drive home, please locate a sober friend to dispose of your remains so that I do not have to.

Fair enough?

1. I spent five hours on Sunday cleaning my kitchen. Although they had brought their own food one of the menu items was a turducken. A turducken, for those of you who are completely sane and have therefore never heard of such a thing, is a turkey stuffed with a chicken stuffed with a duck. Roasted. No, I am not kidding and I think this one tried to make a break for it because I have never seen so much grease in my life. The floor, the stove top, the oven interior, the cabinet doors... gak.      

2. I escaped upstairs to the guest bedroom with my book, my laptop, my ipod and my snacks around 10, fleeing from the fetid frat house atmosphere that was brewing. The party by this point was all male with an average chronological age of about 23 and an average emotional age of 17. At 10:30 Steve came up to check on me: how was I doing, would I like this plate of roasted potatoes, would I care for more chocolate milk, sorry about the singing he'd ask them to keep it down, oh and by the way.... tiny spill. red wine. my beautiful beautiful beloved living room rug that I love more than anything. not to trouble me but any thoughts? I came down in my pajamas and blotted it for half an hour but do you know what the internet says about spilling red wine on a vegetable-dyed wool rug? It says: DO NOT DO IT. And do you know why? BECAUSE IT NEVER REALLY COMES OUT.

3. I finally fell asleep at 2 am only to be awaken at 7:15 by an alarmed Patrick telling me that he could not go downstairs because

4. People were sleeping in our foyer. And basement. And long bedroom. And one poor soul was actually on the front porch.

In the immortal words of Lethal Weapons 1, 2 and I believe 3: I am too old for this shit.

I thought about venting my spleen on Steve the next day (I rarely play the "pregnant with twins" card but come on! two in the morning! drunken singing! uninvited overnight guests! poultry grease where no poultry grease should be!) but decided (damn this bonhomie I cannot seem to shake) to just cry piteously over my rug instead. Steve eventually agreed the party was a fiasco and said we would have to do it differently next year. Then we both laughed heartily because - and I am putting this in writing - we will never be doing this again.

New REDBOOK post up today (finally. we have been having technical difficulties yonder) about something that I thought was extremely funny. And, not at the rate I am going tonight but one can hope, there will be a newer REDBOOK post tomorrow detailing our Big Nineteen Week Perinatology Comprehensive Ultrasound today. 13s continue to look very nice indeed. Am beginning to believe I am really really truly having two more children.

And on that brighter note I hope your weekend was better and less greasy than mine.    

Comments

[Sandy]

oh my god, the first time I ever heard of a turducken my response was, "what the hell?"

so so sorry about your lovely rug...

[caitlin]

for the love of god, woman, don't you realize that we all KNOW when you're going to have a big fancy ultrasound?? the all day radio silence probably caused more than a few of us a bit of concern. not to get too demanding but is a quick "all's well, more to come later" too much to ask??

sorry about the rug and the 5 hour so sleep. relieved to hear the 13s are doing well.

[Judy]

dish soap w/ peroxide will get red wine out of just about any white, but vegetable dyed rugs I kind of doubt.

When I'm 40 can I come to this party to make believe I'm both 23 again and single? Please, please, please??

Oh, and please put back the recipies. I had to dig through old paper at the weekend to find your oatmeal pancakes. Yes, I should be more organized, but we did just move, and well.. summer fun has taken precidence over unpacking.

[heidi]

try oxy-clean on the red wine stain. seriously. it got a year-old red wine stain out of my light-colored carpeting and a TWO-year-old red wine stain out of my favorite skirt. it works miracles! now if only i could still fit into the skirt... :).

[Phoenix]

I could be wrong, but I think the grease problem is why most people cook turduckens on their driveway.

Next year...he's funny. Next year you'll have two squishy babies to deal with and he'll hopefully forget wanting a party. Two squishy babies. Just a question though. When you hit 8 months, then will you rename them? :)

[Brenna]

You're a better woman than I to put up with shenanigans like that! And, just my opinion here, but I don't think the 'pregnant with twins' card can be overplayed.

[jaybee]

You are a saint, pure and simple. Maybe a little Nature's Miracle might help on the red wine stain?

[jaybee]

You are a saint, pure and simple. Maybe a little Nature's Miracle might help on the red wine stain?

[cathy]

honey baked ham stores sells the turducen already cooked and ready to slice! in fact, they probably put the thing on that spiral slicer.

[Becca]

Turducen? I'd rather eat a greasy pork sandwich. Severed in a dirty ashtray.

[Nicky]

It's probably a bit late now, but if you sprinkle salt on a red wine spill it soaks it up really well. Although I somehow doubt Ms Baking Soda doesn't know that :-)

I understand your pain about the carpet. We've just bought a hand-knotted rug in Turkey and it's beeooootiful, but after reading the care instructions (be careful with vacuum cleaners, keep it out of the sun) I don't want to put it down lest it get spoiled. What happened to the hard-wearing carpet they sold me? Anyway, it's a dilemma and now I'm remembering why we had the rule of "don't buy anything for the house that we'd be scared got wrecked in normal use". Except it was so pretty and I forgot.

[Elizabeth]

SALT and HOT WATER is magic for red wine. I got a bad spill out by following some weird instructions that I heard somewhere: 1) COVER spill with salt. Use LOTS of salt. 2) BOIL a kettle full of water and pour it over the salted spill from a height of 18 inches (or something like that). (Sounds kinda dangerous now - don't remember exactly how I did that w/out burning myself from splatter.)

Anyway, it came out...just an idea.

[Lynda]

Never had a turducken. We had a boned goose stuffed with a boned chicken stuffed with a boned pheasant last Christmas. What would that be....a Goochickant?? It looked like big meaty pillow and it was yummy. And with no bones you didn't have to carve - just cut big slices. Of course, I may have fancied it less if I had been pregnant with twins at the time.

[e]

Egads, how did you manage all that greasy smell on top of the nausea? Sounds waaay beyond the call of duty...

[Tamsen]

Ugh. I hate having house parties anymore. I am just too old for it. And too tired because I go to bed every night at 11. And a crab. Feeling your pain, would be ALMIGHTILY PISSED at a favorite rug stain.

I read someone said Oxy-Clean already, am going to second it. You can find them at Lowes/Home Depot, and probably Walmarts and stuff, although I've always gotten it at Lowes. It works wonders. Even says it gets rid of red wine stains, right on the bottle. It isn't lying. Good luck, let us know if it works.

[Tamsen]

Oh and I lived in the midwest (Iowa) for eight years. Never heard of Turducken in my life.

[Pam L]

See this is why we have only neighborhood parties if it might go past 10pm. That way when I see my DH is opening the 10th bottle of wine I know I can eventually shoo them out the front door to wander around the cul de sac until they find their homes. And yes, he does all the cooking but he makes enough to feed 5 times more people than we have attend and I spend the rest of the night packaging up the leftovers for the freezer. But no, no one is sleeping in my foyer. Ack with the rug indeed!Would Oxyclean fade the vegetable dye as well?

[Andrea]

So, my mother is a cleaning nut. I kid you not, she spends her holidays polishing silver and emptying everything out of her china cabinet, cleaning it, then putting everything back. She definitely knows a thing or two about stain removal and she absolutely swears by this stuff (although she can never say the name without giggling): http://www.wd40.com/Brands/spot_shot.html

A friend of mine had a similar incident involving a whole bottle of red wine and a white carpet. This removed it. The key is to blot and not to rub and it doesn't bleach like OxyClean can (does).

[Dara]

Someone on Top Chef wanted to cook one of those turkey/chicken/duck things....everyone else laughed at him. Sounds kinda interesting, sans the grease, though.

Sorry about your rug. I want to make reference to "The Big Lebowski" movie, but I won't.

I'm 24 weeks pregnant, and this little guy is kicking the crap outta me. I mean, I've never felt my previous pregnancies as much as this!! Maybe because it's a boy? I often think of you when he does it and wonder at how two would feel. I'm so happy for you!!!

Black bear sightings abound here in upstate NY. Thrilling and terrifying, if you ask me. One showed up at the high school dumpster for the last day of school. Makes me rethink hikes in the woods with my 3 & 5 year old...

[SHannon]

This sounds crazy, but white wine gets red wine out...but you may have to do it immediately. It worked on my mother's white carpet...definately saved the party.

[jessica]

A turducken sounds revolting.

Sorry about your rug...did you try seltzer? Steve needs to make this one up to you in a big way.

[Lisa]

Rug remedy - Use Oxyclean on it and then put boiling hot water in a rug cleaner. Worked like a charm on my rug when I spilled zinfandel on a light beige carpet.

[alyssa]

julia, not to add salt to your wounds but sweet jesus, you let a crowd of ultimate frisbee people into your house for a party where there was alcohol?

the frisbee people are out of control. my ex was a frisbee person. my ex good friend was a frisbee person. i'm frankly surprised that steve, as a frisbee person, has been able to create a normal life for himself outside frisbee.

and there are actually two reasons why the people were sleeping in there home. a: they were drunk (duh), and b: they have no place else to go. they are children, they are nomads. their whole lives are frisbeefrisbeefrisbee. never. again.

[Kim]

Regarding the name thing - my brother is also "dad's first name, his own middle name" and goes by his middle name. And to this day people try to call him by his real first name. So we feel your pain.

[LMM]

Good Lord. So glad those days were ushered out the door with my ex-husband.
You really need to get better at playing that pregnant-with-twins card, dear.

[cursingmama]

There are bears THAT close to my house?!? I'm suddenly feeling the need to go home and close and lock all of my windows - which is shameful on such a beautiful day.

I imagine that ultimate frisbee type people are much like soccer type people. You have my deepest sympathies...

[MommyLane]

I agree with Brenna. The "pregnant with twins" card can NOT be overplayed. So glad the 13s are doing well. We can't help but wonder about names. Of course, not knowing the gender of each teeny baby makes it a little difficult to decide on that, I'm sure.
I was at the library yesterday and saw a new book out called "It's Twins!" by Susan M. Heim. I immediately thought of you and thought I'd pass it along.
So glad you have a clean kitchen now and hope you have recovered from so little sleep.

[ktjrdn]

ok, I'm too lazy to sign up to comment over there, but I have a solution to the name problem. Sign him up everywhere as S. Patrick in the first name box and leave the middle name box empty. It has worked wonderfully for me. And people won't put S on his nametag, so Patrick will win by default.

I've even got it on my SS card and drivers license now. It just makes things easier.

[Rebekah]

LOL -- It tried to make a break for it -- bwah ha ha ha!

On another note, the shit would hit the fan if I was pg (twins OR singleton, wouldn't matter) and there was a party like that in my house. Seriously. Lots of poo. Hitting the fan.

[Shelby]

You are truly an amazing woman. Really. I am only expecting one, and while I may have agreed to host the party, I would have kicked everyone out at 12. And if someone wasn't in the condition to drive- a cab would have been called.

So glad to hear your 19wk appointment went well!! So exciting! And I agree with the others- the "Pregnant with twins" card can never be overplayed. I use the "pregnant" card very sparingly, but if it was with twins, I'd use it much more!

[mellie]

Classic! And--Turducdens are crimes against nature. Sorriest about the rug, but consider that you might be carrying some mad finger painters in there who decide to massage the paint into the carpet fibers to create their own dinosaur habitat slash wastewater treatment pond for Busytown. Then the wine stain will be a thing of the past. In any case, I'm looking forward to finding out.

[Christiana]

Reminds me of my in-laws. Not the drunken part, but the invading, staying way too long, messing up the kitchen that had been clean that morning part. You poor thing. Steve should be made to write lines (in blood if needed) stating that "we will not have this party anymore." And next year, with twin infants in the house? Um, no thank you.

[Lynnette]

You'll never be doing it with twin babies, I guarantee him that! You'll be able to keep playing the twin card for YEARS! Turducken? Hmmnn...reminds me of the pig roast that was stuffed with chickens that were stuffed with sausages. Who thinks up this shit? Oh wait, I know! Drunken frat boys...sorry about the rug and the grease.

[nate]

Nothing to say about the party, since we never have them. But cool about the bear! I think Turducken actually started out as a southern (LA) delicacy but migrated (heh) up the Mississippi. I've seen them many times in Madison, usually offered as a T-day alternative, but have never sampled, due to bad associations w/ former colleagues of my husband.

My husband goes by the nickname of his middle name. (He and his father have the same first name.) Imagine, if you will, that instead of Patrick going by Patrick, or even Pat, he went by Rick. And was trying to make a living as a writer. So his graduate degree would be under Steven P., some writing under Steven Patrick, other under S. Patrick, etc., but everyone knows him as Rick.

This is why I kept my name and we didn't even hyphenate. Which of course raises issues at the vet and the kennel, because we can never remember whose name the dog is under...

[Ollie]

After having lived in Colorado for a year and watched the local news, I can say quite honestly that bears CAN open windows and doors if they want to. They can open CAR doors. So you were totally right to lock the window.

Also, turducken. First time I heard of it was in cat food. I thought it was the worst word for a food item. Any time "turd" can be expressed from the name is a bad thing. If it was between that and Durkey, why did they go with that one?

[Ollie]

...or Durken? That's even better, and shorter.

[nate]

Just a thought: maybe the bear was in search of the turducken.

Gives you extra reason not to have the party not year (if you even needed more...)

[Beth]

Ditto the person above re: the name -- S. Patrick. Do it now, or this will haunt him all through school. When he's 17 he'll still be saying, "no, my name is not Steven, it's Patrick."

i am delurking to share my red wine trick. my husband once spilled red wine on our beautiful vegetable-dyed rug, bought in morocco and, i kid you not, it remains the most upset he has ever seen me. i cried, i screamed. what we did (and it may or may not work now that they wine has dried), but we poured salt on it to lift up the wine (i would try rewetting the spot and doing this). use a lot of salt and let it sit, then vacuum up. if it seems to be working, i.e. the salt is turning red, do it again. then, after that we used a diluted solution of dish soap and water and patted (don't rub!) the spot for a long period of time. after that, we used paper towels to press down and lift up the stain, we then repeated the whole thing again. and it actually worked. we found this technique on some chemists website. good luck! and, a belated congrats on the twins. i was thrilled to read about it.

[Becky]

You actually know people who ate turducken? I thought it was just a joke my husband made up...

[victoria]

Gack. I know you love your husband and "strive for graciousness" and all that but the drunken greasy frat party with hungover men draped all over your house the next morning . . . no. That is just too much. I'm sure they want to have it at your house because it's probably the biggest house any of them have access to, and it's the only one without any near neighbors to complain about the noise, and I'm sure Steve feels kind of flattered (and young) to be part of this crowd and to be asked to host -- but really. That was too much.

[Nikki]

Rubbing alcohol and lots of blotting does the trick for red wine stains.

[sheila]

Too bad the bear couldn't have showed up at about 6:00 on Sunday morning. Or maybe it did, and it was too afraid and repulsed to come any closer.

And? I have never cleaned anything IN MY LIFE for five straight hours. You are a saint.

[Molly]

For heaven's sake, you're in Minnesota where cabins by the lake abound. And that is exactly where that sort of party is supposed to take place. Some already gritty-floored cabin on a sparsely-inhabited lake somewhere miles from anywhere. Everybody spends the night and makes a token effort at cleanup on Sunday morning in the vague hope of getting the deposit back. Or not. But the point is, they are all a long, long, way from your home, your rug, your kitchen, and you.

[Jessica]

Yummm Turducken. I've only ever eaten it once, but oh yum. Then again, it wasn't cooked in my home, which made it that much more yummy.

[Becky]

Not turducken grease on your beautiful stove!!! I got so distracted by my concern for your stove I can't even remember what else I had to say....

[Leslie]

On the party - I hope it was Steve sleeping on the front porch.

On the bear - reminded me of when my friend (who lived in the foothills outside of Denver) called to tell me there was a bear between her house and the garage so she couldn't get to her car and had to call off work. I miss the mountains...

On the name - both my brother and my cousin go by their middle name which were given with every intention of being their primary name. They both do the J. Realname thing but they do still get called by the wrong name occasionally, even as adults. And now that my brother lives near my parents he gets my dad's mail and my dad gets his fairly regularly.

On the 13s - Really. Play the card.

[Leslie]

Oh and their school years all began with a week of reminding the teacher that their name isn't John... and eventually each teacher got it.

[Beth]

Julia, you are a far more saintly woman than I. I am "too old for this shit" as you put it, pregnant or not, and I guarantee I would not have been as nice to my husband about the situation as you were to yours.

The bear sounds cool! But best viewed from behind your locked window, I agree.

[Brad]

I, too, am fortunate enough to live on the edge of Wild Colorado, and have had numerous run-ins with the inhabitants of the Wild. This summer was especially poignant. In early March, our family was fortunate enough to watch a doe give birth to her two fawns in our back yard! The entire family spent about three hours perched at our various windows to enjoy nature's spectacle. Even better, the family of deer stayed very close to our house all through the summer, so we enjoyed watching the fawns growing up. Then, last weekend, we again witnessed the Wild in all its glory as we were able to watch a bear devour one of the fawns that it had managed to catch. Ah, the circle of life.