Hostess

Traditionally we have hosted a party for Steve's teammates every year....

I interrupt this post to bring you the fact that a bear - A BEAR, people, A BLACK BEAR - just wandered down our hill, sniffed at a raspberry bush, came within ten feet of the porch and then strolled off towards the neighbors. I find this cool because, hey, who doesn't like to see Nature in all its glory; and yet strangely disconcerting at the same time. Steve laughed at me as I not only closed but locked the window leading onto the porch, asking if I thought the bear might try to jimmy it. My husband is shockingly limited in his morbid imaginings. Of course I expect the bear to try to force the window...

so we have always had this party (sometimes in the winter; sometimes in the summer - occasionally both) and it has been fine despite the fact that the guests keep getting younger and younger while I do not. For some reason... oh I know! it was the fact that Steve has broken both his legs or shredded both his knees or whatever it is he has done that prevents him from walking up or down stairs without hobbling... I sort of thought our days of giving house room to this gathering were over. That Steve would no longer throw the team party since he has retired from the team. Silly me. A few weeks ago a friend/former teammate asked if Steve would mind having the party again and Steve asked would I mind having the party again and I... well, I did mind, actually.

But I am mostly sloshing over with the milk of human kindness these days so I said yes my little lump of love, sure, if you like, but I added a few small conditions:

1. I did not want to personally clean anything or make anything or buy anything.

2. I did not want them to destroy or even slightly damage my house.

3. I did not want to be kept awake after 11 o'clock.

4. I did not want people getting themselves into a situation that would require them to sleep over. Last year I wound up feeding a handful of gray and sickly people breakfast the next day and I don't mean to be persnickety but I do think staying at a party for 19 hours is pushing the limits of hospitality. If you are going to drink such that I cannot let you drive home, please locate a sober friend to dispose of your remains so that I do not have to.

Fair enough?

1. I spent five hours on Sunday cleaning my kitchen. Although they had brought their own food one of the menu items was a turducken. A turducken, for those of you who are completely sane and have therefore never heard of such a thing, is a turkey stuffed with a chicken stuffed with a duck. Roasted. No, I am not kidding and I think this one tried to make a break for it because I have never seen so much grease in my life. The floor, the stove top, the oven interior, the cabinet doors... gak.      

2. I escaped upstairs to the guest bedroom with my book, my laptop, my ipod and my snacks around 10, fleeing from the fetid frat house atmosphere that was brewing. The party by this point was all male with an average chronological age of about 23 and an average emotional age of 17. At 10:30 Steve came up to check on me: how was I doing, would I like this plate of roasted potatoes, would I care for more chocolate milk, sorry about the singing he'd ask them to keep it down, oh and by the way.... tiny spill. red wine. my beautiful beautiful beloved living room rug that I love more than anything. not to trouble me but any thoughts? I came down in my pajamas and blotted it for half an hour but do you know what the internet says about spilling red wine on a vegetable-dyed wool rug? It says: DO NOT DO IT. And do you know why? BECAUSE IT NEVER REALLY COMES OUT.

3. I finally fell asleep at 2 am only to be awaken at 7:15 by an alarmed Patrick telling me that he could not go downstairs because

4. People were sleeping in our foyer. And basement. And long bedroom. And one poor soul was actually on the front porch.

In the immortal words of Lethal Weapons 1, 2 and I believe 3: I am too old for this shit.

I thought about venting my spleen on Steve the next day (I rarely play the "pregnant with twins" card but come on! two in the morning! drunken singing! uninvited overnight guests! poultry grease where no poultry grease should be!) but decided (damn this bonhomie I cannot seem to shake) to just cry piteously over my rug instead. Steve eventually agreed the party was a fiasco and said we would have to do it differently next year. Then we both laughed heartily because - and I am putting this in writing - we will never be doing this again.

New REDBOOK post up today (finally. we have been having technical difficulties yonder) about something that I thought was extremely funny. And, not at the rate I am going tonight but one can hope, there will be a newer REDBOOK post tomorrow detailing our Big Nineteen Week Perinatology Comprehensive Ultrasound today. 13s continue to look very nice indeed. Am beginning to believe I am really really truly having two more children.

And on that brighter note I hope your weekend was better and less greasy than mine.    

Comments

[zerch]

My best friend died from metastatic melanoma today - I don't know why I'm writing this, I just thought you would understand. She was 42. She was beautiful. Her son just turned two in June.

[Heather]

Ugh. Parties like that remind me how young I'm not anymore. The bear story is funny. I don't think he'll be forcing open the window to take your HDTV, LOL. On the red wine stain, we got one out of my favorite oriental rug with Petastic. It's for pet stains and odor, but it worked great. I've also heard vinegar is good for getting stains out of carpet.

[e]

I forgot to say that here in the Ewekay, thay always ask you what your child's preferred name is, and make sure that name is underlined in the registration forms. Class teachers here would never insist on calling your child by the wrong name, and I'm hoping Patrick's do not decide to get into a battle with him over it- they would surely lose in a head-to-head with him...

[Chickenpig]

Is your husband insane? Because mine would be DEAD D*E*A*D DEAD!!!! Just the smell of cooking meat would have been enough to put me over the edge...and the rug? My God, my dearest would never have trouble evacuating his bowels again because he would have TWO holes that he could use. You win the prize for the most tolerant pregnant chick EVER!

[wealhtheow]

No helpful comments, but you are a saint. Had I been in your position the authorities would never have found my husband's body.

[Sara]

I agree with the above posters. As much as I adore my husband, I would have to kill him if he was responsible for a debacle like that. That would make me very sad, because I would then miss him. It would be awful. I'm glad that you're saintlier than I am.

[Cris]

Bears freak me out. They are really smart, really strong, and don't care about people. I was in Utah this summer when a bear pulled a boy out of a tent at night - a tent he was sharing with his parents - and dragged him away and killed him. That was the end of my camping with kids ambitions, which were never very strong to begin with. I feel like you do about the great outdoors - a nice place to look at through the window, but why would you go out there? There is dirt out there.

Hope the level 2 went well today!

[squashi]

no time to start an account at REDBOOK-- just wanted to say, in response to your post there, 1) YAY, and 2) "two bulldogs fighting under a rug" was totally priceless.

[nate]

We are all now dying to know how yesterday's open house/mtg w/ Patrick's new teacher went. Please update!

[Patty]

What is wrong with me? All I could think about was how fun that party would be to attend (not to host, obviously.)

Sorry about your rug. :(

[Terry]

Damn straight this won't be happening again next year -- you'll have infant twins in the house & won't have time for this nonsense.

Julia, I read you faithfully & I AM sorry about your rug & your crappy night, but I thought this post so awesome I literally keep rereading it. YOU are awesome, your writing is exquisite & I think about you & the wonder-babies every day.

[Leslie]

Hey, can I ask everyone a question? I don't mean to impose on Julia's blog but I find the input from Julia's community of admirers very insightful and I'm in need of a little insight so you guys seem like the right group to ask.

My son started kindergarten this week. One week before his 5th bday which is one week after the school cut off date. He was tested in the spring for early admission and passed with flying colors.

Last night, after day 2 of kindergarten, the teacher told me that X is having trouble sitting still during "rug time" (story book time) and seems young for kindergarten since "he's not even 5 yet". Today I got a note from the teacher about two incidents today - once he was defiant and the other time he was a smart ass.

I think the teacher is trying to be helpful by keeping me apprised of my son's behavior so I'm trying not to feel defensive about having put him in kindergarten (remember, he tested fine including his social interaction with other kindergarteners) but I'd like your feedback on whether I should be freaking out or not.

X has spent most of the past five years at a Montessori pre-school so I imagine the change of schools is challenging for him on many levels - new school, new teacher, new friends, new type of structure, new expectations etc... And I suspect that he is simply testing the waters with a new teacher. But I teeter on the brink of "was it a horrible decision to enroll him in kindergarten at this time".

Any thoughts? (and thanks for letting me use this forum)

[mimi smartypants]

Steve had the party, so why did you spend five (!) hours cleaning the kitchen?

On another note, I don't think I've ever spent five (five!) hours cleaning anything, seriously.

[Monica C.]

This ENTIRE post - from the bear to the turducken to the young lush on your front porch - was positiviely HILARIOUS! Thank you for being such a smart, funny writer.

I especially love this: "No, I am not kidding and I think this one tried to make a break for it because I have never seen so much grease in my life." I mean - can you imagine? If one really did just start running?

[Laura K.]

Oh man, that SUCKS!

I say next year everyone ponies up and does a dinner out at some restaurant, where they can soil someone else's rug.

But, yeah, I'm guessing that you guys will be knee deep in kid-dom that it won't make a difference what they do!

[Jenny from Chicago]

Pregnant with twins, a husband with sports related aches and pains, drunk people and Turducken......I will be back. Oh yes, I will be back.

[Erica]

If someone paraded a turducken into the home of THIS pregnant lady, I would ask for a new house. Plain and simple. We've got to move, because I swear I can smell the leftover poultry grease from YOUR house all the way here in California.

You're a true sport for putting up with the party, and, at no point, having a breakdown in front of all the guys, which I totally would have done by 2am.