3

Caroline and Edward and I took Steve to his post-op appointment yesterday. Holy cats, what a circus act we are. Steve on crutches, me pushing a six foot long stroller (I love the Contours Tandem. love love love it. but there really is no small way to transport two babies unless I stacked them on my head), purse diaper bag X-Ray envelope jackets helping Steve while holding Caroline while jostling Edward in his seat... even I felt sorry for me.

The word on Steve is no weight bearing for at least another month. No stairs for three. I had been hoping for something a little more immediate, but we'll get through it. I have developed something of a routine and, apart from the fact that no one picked Patrick up from school on Wednesday, things are going really well.

Ahem. AIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! I lost my mind and got confused and NO ONE PICKED UP PATRICK (see: REDBOOK post Unforgiven). I get teary just thinking about it.

So I have figured out that my threshold for sleep is three hours. As long as I get three consecutive hours at least once during the night I can cope. Without it I grow increasingly fragile until I do things like NOT GET PATRICK FROM KINDERGARTEN.  Last night was better, though, so hopefully I can manage to go an entire day without endangering anybody. It was depressing to have to change the workplace safety sign in the kitchen to read NUMBER OF DAYS WITHOUT FORGETTING A CHILD: 0.

The other day I was talking to a friend on the phone, carrying Edward around and tidying. Then I put Edward down, kept talking and continued to tidy. A few minutes later I realized that I had absolutely no idea where Edward was. Had I put him down in the living room? Steve's office? No clue. Obviously he wasn't going anywhere but still, rather alarming to realize that I could not tell you to within, say, twenty feet where my baby was.

But let's talk about breastfeeding because nothing crosses boundaries and brings women together like an open-ended discussion on how to feed a baby. I got an email the other day (that I will reply to, I swear) from a woman who runs a breastfeeding site (that I will look up and link to, I swear.) She wanted me to leave a comment there offering some encouragement for a woman who seemed likely to deliver her twins early and who, in consequence, was doubting her ability to breastfeed. I read her message and thought: what? Who? ME? I hardly consider myself a breastfeeding twins success story. In my plus column you have the fact that I was nursing Edward as I typed that first paragraph. In the minus column, do you know what I just bought at Target? One of those little battery-operated stirrer things that promises to eliminate formula clumps. Did you know that formula can clump even with vigorous shaking such that you can get to the end of a bottle at, oh, four in the morning and discover a deposit of yellowish sludge that lets you know the baby has just finished some barely flavored water? Well it can.

So it's been thirteen weeks since they were born and I am still nursing, pumping and supplementing. Does that count as successfully breastfeeding twins? I dunno. Since I have done everything lactation experts say not to do I sort of feel like I should keep a low profile in the breastfeeding community. Although Caroline and Edward are healthy and growing (see also: The Point) and getting all the milk I can produce, I still feel... what? Guilty? Ashamed? Ummm, not quite that. Uncomfortable, I guess. Certainly not like a spokesperson: My Babies Get Quite A Bit of Breastmilk in Addition to Enfacare! Ask Me How!

It is not like they get formula so someone else can feed them while I get a pedicure (I wish) or so I can get a few extra hours of sleep at night (and for the love of god if that is why your baby gets formula amen to that and sleep on my well-hooved sister) - I breastfeed 'round the clock on demand. Any time someone starts to smack their lips around here, I strip. And, when I can, I pump a few times in between feedings, say, three times a day or so, in order to increase production and in an effort to augment the formula. And I have moved from Fenugreek to the big guns of Domperidone (wow. the stuff is great. Domperidone literally doubled the amount I was pumping to three whole ounces at a time and I can tell the babies are getting more). All of which is to say: despite the very best efforts of myself and the pharmaceutical industry, I do not produce enough breast milk to exclusively breastfeed twins. I do, however, produce enough to keep us all happy, so shimmy shimmy boom boom.

And if it so happens that Caroline and Edward's continued flexibility when it comes to what they will eat should extend long enough for me to one day get a babysitter so I can get a pedicure... well, hooray for me.

On a related note, my new guilty pleasure is watching reality baby shows while I feed/pump/supplement. I read as long as whatever I am doing can be accomplished with one hand (although my increasing ulnar nerve issues are rendering holding a paperback more and more painful - ortho appointment scheduled for next week) but when I need both hands I sit on the couch and watch my Tivo'd trove of all things infant.

Steve hobbled in the other day, watched for a few minutes and then said, "Ah. So it's a cheap self-esteem boost for you, I see."

OK, yes, some of these people are bumbling idiots; and, yes, fine, I guess I do like to watch two people and a mother-in-law flail in overwhelmed confusion while one (ONE!) three day old baby does nothing but sleep. It makes me feel better about myself, what can I say.  However, the rest of the time I just like it because the babies are cute and everyone is so excited and I suppose I must have some residual hormones floating around that are suspending my natural cynicism and making me goopy, because I can watch these shows ad infinitum. They soothe me.

Where was I?

Oh so I have been watching these shows and I finally understand who the breastfeeding advocates are talking to when they say things that I thought were painfully obvious. They are talking to a whole fucking boatload of women, that's who. Seriously I had no idea that there was so much confusion out there. Over and over I have watched nice, reasonable, educated women who were gungho to breastfeed get derailed by the silliest things. And I just want to reach through the TV and shake them, gently, and say, "Honey! I know the nurse told you that you need to keep feeding the baby because he has the slightest whiff of jaundice but that does not mean you need to stop breastfeeding and go to formula because you think you don't have enough milk to handle the problem. No no no." Or, heavens, the woman who first struggled for ten minutes with that ridiculous pink nursing cape the size of a tent (the easiest way to feed a very new baby is either 1) topless or 2) in an unbuttoned shirt - everything else gets in the way and makes things even harder than they need to be; you're welcome) and then poked the baby at her breast for thirty seconds before announcing, "She's sleepy. She's not interested" before the camera cut to her switching to formula. 

So I now understand the patient reminders that breast milk is awesome (I know it sounds patronizing but seriously you should come over to my house and watch these shows with me; you'd be amazed. and bring brownies) or that you need to keep breastfeeding to build supply. It's sort of sad to watch women who want to do it give up because they don't understand the basic mechanics and they have no one around to help them.

Hmmm, I seem to have started by saying that I have maxed out my personal supply (there IS a law of diminishing returns, you know. weak economics analogies don't just end with the easiest of the graphs) and ended by saying it is sad when women don't understand they need to nurse more to produce more. Huh. Yet another example of the fact that it is always easier to solve other people's problems.

Hope you are well.

PS I FORGOT TO PICK PATRICK UP AFTER SCHOOL. AIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEE.

PPS And a picture of Caroline who is just so damned happy to be here she is giddy with the joy of it all.

PPS I knew I would forget, damn it. The breastfeeding blog is www.breastfeeding123.com. Hi Angela. I will try to leave a comment for you. I mean, if you still want me to do so, under the circumstances.

Comments

[Nony Mouse]

Call me crazy, but I always get the impression that women who give up breastfeeding early on, weren't all that interested in doing it in the first place and just made an attempt due to societal pressure. I see it time and time again in my circle of family and friends. BTW, congrats on Caroline and Edward, I'm so thrilled you and Steve (but you especially) were able to add to your family. Makes me feel like the million flying novenas I sent over the years on your behalf helped get you to this point. :-)

[SarcastiCarrie]

Caroline is really starting to look plump and lively. She's certainly enjoying all her breastmilk, EBM, formula, various supplementations and so on. I'd bet she's more than doubled her birth weight by now. No doll clothes for her any more.
You, on the other hand, are positively svelte.

[Brenna]

I have also watched some of those shows in despair about the shoddy advice these women get. The terrible instruction, the lack of support, and some of the nurses are the worst! Don't get me wrong, I love nurses, a good nurse is your best friend! But a bad nurse, a rundown nurse, a burned-out (burnt-out?) nurse can be hell on a new nursing mother.

True story: When I had my third child back in September, she had to stay in the hospital an extra day and night because of jaundice. My nurse told me to go home, they could feed her formula, and we could pick up nursing when she was discharged. She must have been high. When I told her I would stay and nurse her, this &@#*& actually rolled her eyes at me. Now what do you think would have happened if this had been my first baby instead of my third?

[swissmiss]

Holy cats is she cute!

[Anne]

What a cutie!

I think you are doing an amazing job what with your four children (sorry Steve, just couldn't resist). Be kind to yourself--I'm sure Patrick was just fine. And, I mean, he'll need SOMETHING to hold over your head when he's a teenager, right? ;-)

[merseydotes]

She is so cute, I really think my ovaries might explode.

[Skye]

That is a seriously cute baby.

Two quick things, I'm still nursing my nearly 8 month old twins along with the occasional bottle of Enfamil. I think you have to be pretty militant (or completely disinterested in anything else) to only nurse twins. I exclusively nursed my two single birthd boys for over a year each with no problem so it's not like I'm new to this here breastfeeding thing.

The other thing. My shame at forgetting my then 3 year old at preschool when my second boy was about 2 months old. Baby was down for a rare nap and I sat on the couch to rest my eyes. I woke up to the phone ringing and my dear first born's teacher asking if everything was all right as I was 30 minutes late. Yeah, so that happened 5 years ago. He seems to have healed nicely.

[Livigirl]

I found nursing/pumping torturous. I hated it with a white hot heat and threatened to quit multiple times per day. But I couldn't. Rationally, I knew I had to keep going because it was the best nutrition for my daughter. And it was free. But mostly because I was, let's see, is there a more descriptive word than prolific? I was an honest to goodness cow. I could pump out 4-5 ounces from each breast within minutes atleast 5 times per day. God help me, it was painful. I went from a barely A cup to a barely B cup and yet still was pumping out enough milk to feed a litter. My breasts ached and leaked CONSTANTLY and I felt nauseaus every...single...time I nursed/pumped. But I stuck with it for 5 months, with 2 full months worth frozen. I felt guilty stopping knowing that what some women work so hard for came so easily. But I figured 7 months of mamma's milk is more than most get these days, so I felt comfortable letting it go. It still took weeks for it to dry up completely. I will say that giving my daughter that last bag of frozen milk was really sad. But atleast it wasn't painful. ;-)

So more power to those women who stick with it despite the pain/discomfort/low supply/high supply/bloody nipples (ouch!)/etc, etc. And to those of you feed two, or more? You are amazing. My hat's off to you, Julia.

[magpie]

"Does that count as successfully breastfeeding twins?" HELL YES.

Sorry about the Patrick thing. Is he scarred for life?

And there's a stroller for two that's like a double-decker - I see them around NYC:

http://www.philandteds.com/nz/sportdouble_07_1.htm

I always feel sorry for the kid on the bottom, but maybe they don't care.

[MG]

I love your blog. Seriously. You make me laugh out loud.

[Nancy]

Holy moses, she is a dreamboat.

While I have to admit I looked sadly down at my boobs after reading this entry (imaging the day that they too will have to apply themselves to a useful trade, instead of swanning around complacently in beribboned lingerie like two spoiled debutantes), at least there will hopefully be a happy, gurgling baby to show for it!

[Nancy]

Holy moses, she is a dreamboat.

While I have to admit I looked sadly down at my boobs after reading this entry (imaging the day that they too will have to apply themselves to a useful trade, instead of swanning around complacently in beribboned lingerie like two spoiled debutantes), at least there will hopefully be a happy, gurgling baby to show for it!

[Luise]

My niece has twins just a little younger than yours (born February 4), also one of each -- and no older sib. She nurses hers in tandem, says she wouldn't know what do to with just one! (An outrageously cheerful, happy lady.) You're doing amazingly well, given everything, and the babes are adorable.

[Bree]

Hurray for you is right! I don't get why people get so militant about nursing. I struggled with breastfeeding for the first 2 months. Oh god, the agony. Cried every time he latched on. Will I do it again? Sure, but at least I know it eventually gets better. I shudder just thinking about it...My hat is off to you for all that you do - nursing, mothering, etc. and keep your sense of humour. You are a marvel!

[victoria]

What a GORGEOUS picture of Caroline! Thank you! Also, you make me laugh: "Any time someone starts to smack their lips around here, I strip."

[Suzanne]

I went to a breastfeeding class before my daughter was born and we watched a movie that was just about latching, for like an hour. I remember thinking "DUH repetitive much???" Well that was the best hour I ever spent because one thing I did feel pretty comfortable about was getting the baby to latch on.

I too am addicted to the baby shows and it seem inevitable that day 1 at home has mom all excited about breastfeeding and then after about an hour at home she's given up breastfeeding because she couldn't get the baby to latch. Or giving the baby formula because "my milk hasn't come in yet."

I agree, the women who give up easily seem to be the ones who aren't that interested in it. That's fine, but I get tired of hearing "I just couldn't breastfeed" because you tried twice to get the baby to latch. There's also a stupidity factor in there too based on the women in my breastfeeding class who grilled the lactation consultant a little too much about (a) how much alcohol can you drink while nursing (b) how close to a feeding can you drink (c) can you take Ambien while nursing, until the lactation consultant finally just threw up her hands and said something like it's probably best to be alert and coherent when you have a new baby instead of you know, being comatose.

[terri c]

Caroline is exquisite! What a smile! So sorry Steve's knee is going to be a work in progress for such an extended time. How on earth does he accommodate the "no stairs" thing? or can he do stairs with crutches? Don't worry about Patrick, I'm sure he is just fine. You are SO NOT a bad Mom.

[Pam L]

I think if/when the breastfeeding expert(?) reads this entry she would definitely want you to contribute, perhaps even more. It's the real deal right? You are a real person with real twins doing the best you can for them and they are thriving, right? If it was all textbook perfect there would be no need for her website I'm thinking. I wanted to breastfeed, and did, because I knew it was the best thing for my sons and it worked well for us. I also loved that whole time of our lives and that was one more thing that helped us bond. I do not judge anyone who has to tweak the plan to make it work for them as long as they are taking good care of their babies. Caroline looks like she's either dancing or skipping on the floor, either way she's looking pretty happy, as usual.

[Pam L]

I think if/when the breastfeeding expert(?) reads this entry she would definitely want you to contribute, perhaps even more. It's the real deal right? You are a real person with real twins doing the best you can for them and they are thriving, right? If it was all textbook perfect there would be no need for her website I'm thinking. I wanted to breastfeed, and did, because I knew it was the best thing for my sons and it worked well for us. I also loved that whole time of our lives and that was one more thing that helped us bond. I do not judge anyone who has to tweak the plan to make it work for them as long as they are taking good care of their babies. Caroline looks like she's either dancing or skipping on the floor, either way she's looking pretty happy, as usual.

[Evy]

Forgive me for being so hasty in saying this, having only see the picture of you up at Redbook, but my first thought was: Wow! Caroline looks just like you!

[Helen]

There's something about Caroline's coat that made me burst out with "It was red and yellow and green and brown and scarlet and black and ochre and peach..."

And now I want to go to an Andrew Lloyd Webber musical.

[anonymousey]

Breastfeeding is one of my book report topics for my doula certification. I'm reading "So THAT'S What They're For!" by Janet Tamaro. Great book! It explains the basics in a funny and quite informative way.

People who don't want to breastfeed for silly reasons make me want to slap the shit out of them. My friend is dead set against it because she doesn't want her boobs to look "yucky" afterward. Sigh. One girl I almost doula'd for told me her breasts were for her husband, not her child. Double sigh.

xoxo

[Dara]

Yup, with my 13 week old I am nekkid around here as well...it's really funny when my husband happens upon me with my breasts out. He always looks so startled/hopeful. The other hysterical consequence of breast feeding is my 4 & 5 year old daughters reactions. They are breast feeding every doll, stuffed animal, and My Little Pony in site. My four year old just looked at me and sighed, " I think I have to breast feed somebody right now" and wearily trotted off to find a doll.

[Other Mother]

I applaud any mother who can breastfeed and does so successfully. But I urge everyone to remember that NOT ALL WOMEN CAN. I never got milk. Not even drugs helped. I had NOTHING to feed my baby. To say I felt horrible is an understatement - and because of the very thing going on here. The push is so great to breastfeed that you are a complete and utter failure if you cant. Trust me, I wanted to. I didnt even have a bottle to give my son when I came home from the hospital, so we had to stop and pick some up. I never imagined that it would be that way for me. It hurt knowing I couldn't do that for my son. Before you judge perhaps you should know that it isn't always possible, and keep from hurting another mother who wanted to but couldn't.

[Aurelia]

I always feel sorry for women who have crappy advice, and I swear even more so when I read blogs of women who blame themselves, or their lack of motivation, or lack of milk, or whatever for not breastfeeding.

Meanwhile, I live in the Mecca of breastfeeding because my women's hospital in Toronto, has one of the highest rates of breastfeeding in the world, and I can see Jack Newman, the guru doctor of breastmilk anytime, because I live so close. Honestly, I'd have to hate breastfeeding to not do it in my circumstances.

And yet, so many American women feel bad and beat themselves up when they can't breastfeed. So many women all over the world. But none of them blame the shitty advice they get from Docs or nurses or the entire pile of lawyers that prevent them from finding out that most medications are 100% safe while breastfeeding. We finally have Youtube videos on how to latch a baby and websites and virtual self-help groups, and yet...we don't assume real women are right. We listen to Doctors who tell us we can't and to give up.

Why do women blame themselves or each other, instead of blaming the ones who really have the power to help us or hurt us?

I am glad you are happy Julia, and making this work for you.

[kara]

That ulnar nerve issue sounds scary and painful. I had severe carpal tunnel problems with both wrists a few years back and highly recommend a Roberts Book Holder for reading (available on Amazon.com and other places). The pegs make it a bit clunky and it looks silly, but it will hold any size of book and stores flat.

While I'm here, I wanted to say **THANK YOU** for being so generous with pix of your incredibly beautiful children. I don't comment often but I regularly visit, greedy for and appreciative of all the wonderful photos and stories. You are my heroine, truly.

[Kel]

Oh, sweetheart.

I vaguely remember thinking in the midst of some twin infancy sleepless stupor, "How is it that I thought one baby was a lot of work?"

The answer? It is. But, man, oh man...twins are soooo much harder. And unlike your first time experience with one, you also have an older one to forget now and then (yikes, ouch, and such).

I took my now 2.5 year old twins to their older brother's baseball game this past week and one of the other moms was trying to converse with the girls (who are very articulate, but still) and I watched her face go from sweetly attentive to confused as they both began explaining something in earnest with all the hestiations and repeations that two year olds do. Two of them. At. Once. Just like when they wanted to feed at the same time or wake up at the same time or fuss at the same time.

Miraculous. Hideous. Joyous. Chaos.

You do the best you can at the breastfeeding/pumping thing and when you can't anymore, you stop.

Oh and also, wow, is she cute!

Kel

[Melani]

My daughter and I kept passing thrush back and forth for months so when things got crazy painful--I used formula. I felt a little bad about it but figured it was better than quitting altogether. My son refused anything but breastmilk. I kind of think the 'flexible' feeding was easier.

Oh, and I GUARANTEE the people at school completely understand that things like that happen every now and then. I actually set my cell phone to go off to remind me to pick up my kids from school--I was so paranoid about forgetting them (and believe me, my life is WAY calmer than yours). Now they ride the bus so no worries for me! heh.

[Kathryn]

Of COURSE you're successfully breastfeeding twins. For the love of pete, do you put them to breast? Do they suck, and then swallow? That's what we call feeding. From the breast. Hence: breastfeeding.

I am a certified dyed-in-the-wool lactivist, the daughter of an LLL leader, still nursing my 17.5 month old toddler, and I will be the first person to step up and say that while breastfeeding is absolutely best in the aggregate, sometimes it isn't in the specific. My friend Steph had breast reduction surgery four years before the birth of her son; he needed formula supplementation from the word go, though she nursed at least some until he was 5 months old. My friend Emma's eldest categorically refused to nurse under any circumstances, and in fact would not eat while being held, or from a warm bottle. (Her younger son latched when he was 20 minutes old and has been a boobie fiend for the last 20 months, with no signs of stopping.)

Women need medicines sometimes, women need sleep sometimes, women need to go back to work and the impediments presented to them when they try to pump are just too great. Sometimes women just hate breastfeeding. And that? That is what formula is for. Every woman deserves all the information possible in order to make an informed decision, but nobody except that woman gets a say in what that decision is. It's our job as mothers to feed our babies. Breastmilk is the best option, but sometimes the best option isn't on the table. Thank God for formula; without it, a lot of babies would go hungry.

[Sheila]

I am smiling right back at that little girl of yours. And I think I'll keep smiling all day.

[Sheila]

That picture of Caroline is so adorable! She looks so very happy.
Re: formula supplementation (I had to with triplets)... You can mix a batch of powdered formula in your blender, and fill half a dozen bottles at a time, if you ever need that much formula for 24 hours. The blender does a good job of mixing without clumps and lumps. It helps to prevent clogged nipples on the bottle, though it still happened sometimes - we learned to switch nipples if the feed was going slowly.
You're doing a great job. I hope you will get some help from friends and family, since Steve is going to be limited for such a long time.

[Carol]

After giving birth to both kids, one in England and one in the U.S., I always ended up with older nurses, like old enough to be my mother, who didn't seem to be very knowledgeable about or supportive of breastfeeding. I realize now that perhaps they never breastfed their own children because they were in that generation, and that they possibly became nurses way before breastfeeding education was widespread.

I had such an easy time breastfeeding. My AAs turned into gushing dairy volcanoes. I really didn't understand at first why so many women found it hard to breastfeed. But then in La Leche League I met two women, who are both close friends now, who weren't producing enough milk and had to use those formula supplementers with bottles that you drape over your boobs and there's a teeny tube that you tape to your nipple so your baby can nurse and get breast milk and formula out of the tube at the same time. They both ended up breastfeeding for 2 and 3 years! That must have required so much determination and effort, given their poor milk supplies. But they did it. I don't know if I would have persisted in that situation. I'd like to think that I would have, but who knows.

Your kids are adorable! And you have such a wholesome yet humorous way of writing. I really like this blog.

[janet]

my mom also forgot to pick me up at kindergarten one day. seriously, I am not just saying this to make you feel better. And other than age 13-14 when I was really mean to her, I turned out okay and we talk every day now.

[CathyY]

Sooo glad someone else thinks the same about those baby shows! Personally, I think formula makers fund those shows. Seriously. I also find them soothing when I'm nursing my 3 month old. Or at least simple and happy and that's enough for my sleep deprived brain.

[Nicole]

Oh my, I love love love that gorgeous girl!!!

[Jo in Utah]

I think you are doing a great job and I love your sense of humility about the whole thing.
Caroline is so lucious I will scoop her up and eat her with a spoon! YUMMY!
And the car thing? I had TWO children who screamed bloody murder in the car for years! YEARS I say! 2 1/2 years for the first screamer and three or maybe four years for the second, I don't remember, my mind had left by then...

[Kim]

Gotta say I agree with the comment 2 above me. I would have loved to breastfeed my little guy but couldn't - I had no milk and a nice case of PPD to boot.

Imagine wanting to do something that feels right but you can't, and on top of that society is constantly shoving it down your throat that you aren't doing the best for your child if you don't. Nothing hurts a new mommy more.

No one can judge someone else's situation. You just never know. Often it has nothing to do with wanting to and more to do with not being able to.

Am I a bad mom because I couldn't? Hell no. My son is 2.5 now and healthy as a horse.

It's not that I received bad advice/didn't understand the mechanices/just gave up or didn't want to. Letting my child starve to death, now THEN I would have been a bad mother. But you know, had I been one of those moms that just plain didn't want to - that would have been OK too. I firmly believe that moms have to stick together and support one another without judgement.

Thankfully, when my son's sister arrives in 6 weeks or so I know that they all grow up strong and beautiful, regardless of what you feed them.

[Mrs. Gregorton]

You are Super Mom, seriously. Steve's surgery would have put me over the top. Your babies are really lucky that you are so dedicated to breastfeeding in whatever way you can and Patrick will not be permanently scarred. Every kid gets forgotten at school once or twice, it's um, an adventure!

[the niz]

Julia, my dad forgot to pick me up from kindergarten MULTIPLE times. He didn't have infant twins or an incapacitated spouse or anything. And I turned out ok. Patrick may, however, never let you forget it. Just a heads up.

[juliag]

I forgot to pick up hubby at school on Wednesday. Also, I forgot to take my cell phone to the park with me and the babe, so hubby ended up walking home. Only 2.5 miles...but he has a bum knee that's aching for some surgery. Hmmm...maybe it was the full moon this week???

[juliag]

oh. yea. my parents had a little mix up once on who was picking me up from gymnastics. that poor ymca teacher lady had to stay with me in the parking lot for hours. i was only eight, but i felt worse for inconveniencing her than by the fact that my parents neglected to get me. i honestly didn't (don't) feel the least bit traumatized by that experience. i'm sure patrick was quick understanding too.

[Liz]

Oh Julia. I love, no, LOVE your blog. But after reading the post about breastfeeding, I'm torn about coming back. You see, I don't need any more guilt than is out there already about breastfeeding. Or rather the guilt of not breastfeeding. After having a planned induction on my daughter scheduled for 2/23, we received a call to adopt a little boy born on 2/12. After 7 years of infertility, dh has a b/t, I have mthfr, numerous losses, etc, etc, etc, we RAN to get him. He was formula feed until I delievered My delivery had some "minor" complications, major blood loss, and sweet girl had difficulty latching on. Nurses and lactation folks at hospital insisted the horrible pain I felt when they latched on was normal. After 3 weeks of trying to nurse, pump and supplement I was a basket case. Not sleeping at all, raging hormones, still impacted by the blood loss, I gave up. The depression that set in after "failing" was intense, every where I looked I was chastised for not breastfeeding. What got me through, was the rememberance that I was formula feed, and not even the "good stuff" with DHA and ARA we have now, and even though there bound to be numerous grammatical mistakes and spelling errors in this comment (not to mention run on sentences...) I'm not that f'd up.

Sigh, so hard to fit in as a new mom of "twins" after 7 years of infertility, then add to the that the guilt of not nursing. Will I ever fit in? There really is a secret "mommy club" and as I stare at my gorgeous, healthy 7 week old son and 5 week old daughter, I realize I have been granted full admittance yet.

Best to you, Steve and the children, I wish you well, you're amazing.

Liz

[Pam L]

Wow, I am sorry that this is such a hot topic. I don't think anyone here wants to make anyone feel guilty about their situation/choice/whatever, regarding breastfeeding, but please let it be OK for those who are/did to be happy they can/did too. I did, my sister didn't, her choice, and no one tried to make her feel bad about it. Again I say, if your baby is well and thriving , that's what counts. Feeding is just one part of it after all.

[Natalee]

How do you restrain yourself from nibbling at those preciously plump cheeks non-stop?!

I can't handle the cute!

[Amanda]

Hi Julia-- de-lurking to say thanks!

My baby boy was born 2/17, and we had supply issues from the get-go. My milk hadn't come in at the baby's 4-day check-up, so the pediatrician had us start supplementing with formula. Worst. Advice. Ever. Now, 5 weeks later, I'm still having supply issues, despite pumping all the time and taking large amounts of fenugreek (I smell like maple syrup!). We're at about 30% formula now, and I doubt I'll ever end up with enough milk to breastfeed exclusively.

But 70% is good! Right? Why are we made to feel so guilty? Formula isn't poison, and I'm doing the best I can. I'm so impressed that you can do it with twins! Thanks for talking so honestly about your experiences.

[winecat]

Damn, look at the Dancing Queen! She is absolutely adorable. What a smile. Julia you and Steve must feel so lucky to have that smile greet you each and every day.

[jana]

OMG Caroline is a muffin. I want to eat her up.

Also, I would totally have forgotten to pick up Patrick to, were I in your shoes. Don't sweat it.

[Julia]

If this post made anyone feel guilty or judged or misunderstood then I apologize. That was so far from my intention it is absurd. I was confessing that I was not breastfeeding all that well myself. And I had such a hard time with Patrick that I have always resented easy answers to breastfeeding woes, like "Just keep putting baby to the breast!" I TRIED and it was REALLY hard. The fact that it eventually worked out with Patrick always struck me as just being lucky; so I have no problem realizing that there must be other women for whom it is even harder and for whom the issues do not resolve. When someone tells me that she could not breastfeed, for whatever reason, I believe her implicitly and I sympathize if it had been important to her.

And Liz I am sorry you are mad at me but I have to say, WHEEEEEEEEEEE! How exciting! What a GREAT family you have created. I am thrilled for you.

[Angela]

Hi Julia! Thanks for linking to my breastfeeding blog. I can see you're just as busy as ever so please don't worry about getting over to comment. But if you do find the time sometime, I'd love to have you share your thoughts. I think it's great that you've worked as hard as you have to get the supply that you have, and that you also know that breastfeeding does not have to be an "all-or-nothing" thing.

[Robyn Rime]

You know, I discovered after my second child that I, too, had that "need three consecutive hours of sleep to keep from going smack out of my mind" thing.

And may I just add--God, that is one beautiful baby you have there!