3

Caroline and Edward and I took Steve to his post-op appointment yesterday. Holy cats, what a circus act we are. Steve on crutches, me pushing a six foot long stroller (I love the Contours Tandem. love love love it. but there really is no small way to transport two babies unless I stacked them on my head), purse diaper bag X-Ray envelope jackets helping Steve while holding Caroline while jostling Edward in his seat... even I felt sorry for me.

The word on Steve is no weight bearing for at least another month. No stairs for three. I had been hoping for something a little more immediate, but we'll get through it. I have developed something of a routine and, apart from the fact that no one picked Patrick up from school on Wednesday, things are going really well.

Ahem. AIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! I lost my mind and got confused and NO ONE PICKED UP PATRICK (see: REDBOOK post Unforgiven). I get teary just thinking about it.

So I have figured out that my threshold for sleep is three hours. As long as I get three consecutive hours at least once during the night I can cope. Without it I grow increasingly fragile until I do things like NOT GET PATRICK FROM KINDERGARTEN.  Last night was better, though, so hopefully I can manage to go an entire day without endangering anybody. It was depressing to have to change the workplace safety sign in the kitchen to read NUMBER OF DAYS WITHOUT FORGETTING A CHILD: 0.

The other day I was talking to a friend on the phone, carrying Edward around and tidying. Then I put Edward down, kept talking and continued to tidy. A few minutes later I realized that I had absolutely no idea where Edward was. Had I put him down in the living room? Steve's office? No clue. Obviously he wasn't going anywhere but still, rather alarming to realize that I could not tell you to within, say, twenty feet where my baby was.

But let's talk about breastfeeding because nothing crosses boundaries and brings women together like an open-ended discussion on how to feed a baby. I got an email the other day (that I will reply to, I swear) from a woman who runs a breastfeeding site (that I will look up and link to, I swear.) She wanted me to leave a comment there offering some encouragement for a woman who seemed likely to deliver her twins early and who, in consequence, was doubting her ability to breastfeed. I read her message and thought: what? Who? ME? I hardly consider myself a breastfeeding twins success story. In my plus column you have the fact that I was nursing Edward as I typed that first paragraph. In the minus column, do you know what I just bought at Target? One of those little battery-operated stirrer things that promises to eliminate formula clumps. Did you know that formula can clump even with vigorous shaking such that you can get to the end of a bottle at, oh, four in the morning and discover a deposit of yellowish sludge that lets you know the baby has just finished some barely flavored water? Well it can.

So it's been thirteen weeks since they were born and I am still nursing, pumping and supplementing. Does that count as successfully breastfeeding twins? I dunno. Since I have done everything lactation experts say not to do I sort of feel like I should keep a low profile in the breastfeeding community. Although Caroline and Edward are healthy and growing (see also: The Point) and getting all the milk I can produce, I still feel... what? Guilty? Ashamed? Ummm, not quite that. Uncomfortable, I guess. Certainly not like a spokesperson: My Babies Get Quite A Bit of Breastmilk in Addition to Enfacare! Ask Me How!

It is not like they get formula so someone else can feed them while I get a pedicure (I wish) or so I can get a few extra hours of sleep at night (and for the love of god if that is why your baby gets formula amen to that and sleep on my well-hooved sister) - I breastfeed 'round the clock on demand. Any time someone starts to smack their lips around here, I strip. And, when I can, I pump a few times in between feedings, say, three times a day or so, in order to increase production and in an effort to augment the formula. And I have moved from Fenugreek to the big guns of Domperidone (wow. the stuff is great. Domperidone literally doubled the amount I was pumping to three whole ounces at a time and I can tell the babies are getting more). All of which is to say: despite the very best efforts of myself and the pharmaceutical industry, I do not produce enough breast milk to exclusively breastfeed twins. I do, however, produce enough to keep us all happy, so shimmy shimmy boom boom.

And if it so happens that Caroline and Edward's continued flexibility when it comes to what they will eat should extend long enough for me to one day get a babysitter so I can get a pedicure... well, hooray for me.

On a related note, my new guilty pleasure is watching reality baby shows while I feed/pump/supplement. I read as long as whatever I am doing can be accomplished with one hand (although my increasing ulnar nerve issues are rendering holding a paperback more and more painful - ortho appointment scheduled for next week) but when I need both hands I sit on the couch and watch my Tivo'd trove of all things infant.

Steve hobbled in the other day, watched for a few minutes and then said, "Ah. So it's a cheap self-esteem boost for you, I see."

OK, yes, some of these people are bumbling idiots; and, yes, fine, I guess I do like to watch two people and a mother-in-law flail in overwhelmed confusion while one (ONE!) three day old baby does nothing but sleep. It makes me feel better about myself, what can I say.  However, the rest of the time I just like it because the babies are cute and everyone is so excited and I suppose I must have some residual hormones floating around that are suspending my natural cynicism and making me goopy, because I can watch these shows ad infinitum. They soothe me.

Where was I?

Oh so I have been watching these shows and I finally understand who the breastfeeding advocates are talking to when they say things that I thought were painfully obvious. They are talking to a whole fucking boatload of women, that's who. Seriously I had no idea that there was so much confusion out there. Over and over I have watched nice, reasonable, educated women who were gungho to breastfeed get derailed by the silliest things. And I just want to reach through the TV and shake them, gently, and say, "Honey! I know the nurse told you that you need to keep feeding the baby because he has the slightest whiff of jaundice but that does not mean you need to stop breastfeeding and go to formula because you think you don't have enough milk to handle the problem. No no no." Or, heavens, the woman who first struggled for ten minutes with that ridiculous pink nursing cape the size of a tent (the easiest way to feed a very new baby is either 1) topless or 2) in an unbuttoned shirt - everything else gets in the way and makes things even harder than they need to be; you're welcome) and then poked the baby at her breast for thirty seconds before announcing, "She's sleepy. She's not interested" before the camera cut to her switching to formula. 

So I now understand the patient reminders that breast milk is awesome (I know it sounds patronizing but seriously you should come over to my house and watch these shows with me; you'd be amazed. and bring brownies) or that you need to keep breastfeeding to build supply. It's sort of sad to watch women who want to do it give up because they don't understand the basic mechanics and they have no one around to help them.

Hmmm, I seem to have started by saying that I have maxed out my personal supply (there IS a law of diminishing returns, you know. weak economics analogies don't just end with the easiest of the graphs) and ended by saying it is sad when women don't understand they need to nurse more to produce more. Huh. Yet another example of the fact that it is always easier to solve other people's problems.

Hope you are well.

PS I FORGOT TO PICK PATRICK UP AFTER SCHOOL. AIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEE.

PPS And a picture of Caroline who is just so damned happy to be here she is giddy with the joy of it all.

PPS I knew I would forget, damn it. The breastfeeding blog is www.breastfeeding123.com. Hi Angela. I will try to leave a comment for you. I mean, if you still want me to do so, under the circumstances.

Comments

[katie]

if only more women knew that success at breastfeeding comes in many different flavors. from exclusively breastfed with ample to supply to those of us with crap supply who do a little of boob and a little of formula to even things out, we are all successful.

[Liz]

Julia,
My apologies for posting a comment without reading your post at least twice and AFTER reading comments. I am not in any way, shape or form mad at you. I'm still dealing with the guilt at not breastfeeding and it's not for the lack of truly wanting too (I should never read other's comments about this topic, repeat to myself, do not read other's comments).

You truly amaze me (and while Patrick may not let you forget you forgot him, he will forgive you. He will find the blackmail delicious though. I broke my arm and my parents said I was fine and left for a party. Never seen them more guilty than in the hospital the next day after the xray. I can reproduce that guilty look 25 years later. Might be time again...)

I do apologize for flying off the handle. I need to hear and read things at least twice these days to fully comprehend them I'm finding.

Liz

[chris]

You're giving me flashbacks of last year. I did the same thing breastfeeding-wise. I did not feel guilty at all. I did what I could. I used the dom as well and it really helped. Unfortunately, and I'm just putting this out there, one of the top LCs in the country told me that while it works they don't consider it safe anymore based on new informationi and have stopped recommending it. I used Reglan as well, but it kind of made me, um, depressed. Although it could have been lack of sleep.

I've been known to misplace a twin or two myself.

[leslie]

Caroline is just exquisite and she looks so gleeful in that photo!

I think it's very easy to blame women for not breastfeeding or for supplimenting or for not breastfeeding long enough but everyone is different and the degrees of support that women get are widely varied. Most women I know who weren't successful at nursing beat themselves up enough without help from anyone else. That said, I don't think that supplimenting and nursing the way you are has anything wrong with it - they've both obviously growing and thriving and you clearly need to get sleep in there somewhere. As a number of people said, your experience is the REAL deal - it might not be the book ideal but that makes it a lot more useful for those of us who live in the real world.

We've left all of our kids places at least once and so far, at 13, 15 and 18, it doesn't seem to have permanently scarred them. (We won't talk about what the experience did to us!)

Steve being that incapacitated for that many more weeks sounds truly daunting! You're a hero!

[Cindy]

OMG, I am soooo glad I'm not the only one who sat around breastfeeding and weeping at "A Baby Story" with both my kids!

Not only did we forget to pick up our daughter on her first day of preschool, but I once was convinced I'd left my newborn son at golf pro shop. I madly swerved on the highway, making an illegal U-turn...which caused my sleeping newborn to squeak, telling me he was in his carseat. Sleep deprivation & breadtfeeding induced dehydration are u-g-l-y! You are handing both beautifully!

[Cara]

Those cheeks - those CHEEKS!

I had something else I was going to say, but I can't remember now because of those CHEEKS!

[Kizz]

My mom forgot me a lot. Not like every day or anything but more than once. More than twice even and these are only the times I can remember. I'm an only child. Seriously, you're doing great.

[karyn]

We forgot to pick up our daughter from Grade 1 a few weeks ago. We had a very unusual and stressful day, followed by picking up a friend and her delicious 6 month old baby from the airport. All things put together, I was sitting on my daughter's bed cooing at the cuteness of this precious baby, all the while my own precious baby was sitting at the school, crying and clutching a stick as her parents had forgotten her. "I just want to hug my stick, Mommy, because I had no-one else to hug."

She did not buy for one second that we were simply late. And she kept the stick.

[prettypixels]

You are absolutely a breastfeeding success story! Because you are, in fact, breastfeeding. Bf'ing doesn't have to be all or nothing, and as we all know, life isn't always black and white. I wound up with drastically low supply and my baby has gotten 90% of her calories since she was six weeks old, from formula. But now we are at 15 months and she is still nursing! I consider that a huge success, and I have busted my ass to get here, so I will gladly give myself some props for that. So you give YOURself some props. Shucks, JLo didn't even bother trying to bf her twins! You are awesome!!!! :)

[Sarah]

Caroline has passed into the completly awake and delectible stage!

[paul]

Clumps? Ugh. We had a pretty workable method involving the bottle warmer, a second bottle with the scoop of powder, and shaking it up like a crazy person at whatever in the morning. But no ulnar issues. (And even that only worked until the warmer turned itself to "boil" one night.)

Cute kid.

[shannon]

At least you didn't change the locks while Patrick was out and then leave.

When I was in the third grade, I spent the night at a friend's house, walked home the next morning and my family was out and my door key didn't work.

My father, the apprentice locksmith, had "practiced" on our house, then taken everyone (but me!) out to the hardware store for more supplies...

[Chi-An]

Dearest Julia, I am usually just lurking here, but I wanted to tell you that I would be happy to send you a batch of homemade brownies if you would like. My son (4 yrs 4 mos, talks like a smaller version of Patrick) loves to bake with me and I'm sure he would concur. As I always say, "Mommy needs chocolate." And thanks for writing such a lovely blog, I don't know where you get the energy with four kids (I firmly believe that husbands usually count as children, especially when they're on the sick list). p.s. I'm serious about the brownies!

[bellabugs mom]

Hi Julia,
Delurking to chime in on the clumping formula issue. I haven't read previous comments so my apologies if this has been mentioned. Add the warm water to the bottle before adding the formula. This will eliminate the clumps in the bottom.

Beautiful babies! Congratulations!

[peeks]

Caroline is so lovely, there is nothing nicer than a happy baby on a Monday morning. Sorry about the kindergarten trauma, hopefully it will soon become an exciting "do you remember when..."

re the breastfeeding, I gather that it is more than likely that supplementing will eventually depress supply to a point where you will end up entirely formula feeding.

Of course no problem if you are happy with that, but if you aren't then now is the time to... erm I'm not sure what you could do, practically and realistically I mean, given your circs.

No idea what support is available in US, here in UK we have trained volunteers running helplines, they saved my breastfeeding. Is there someone reliable you can call for advice?

[Kate]

I sucked at breastfeeding. Lord, I tried, but I sucked. Want to know how else I suck? I do daycare and forgot to pick up one of my charges at school. I really suck.

[Slim]

Is there a job that calls for women to watch reality tv with new moms? I think that would be great for me. Plus I have that Cooks Illustrated recipe, which is totally easy and sooo good. Also I could pick up other people's kids from school.

Visit one -- Julia
Visit two -- Liz (will bring formula, too)
anyone else?

[JuliaS]

Breastfeeding -schmeastfeeding. I wish I had had twins to "breastfeed", then I could have told my dh that they were both in use and no, he could not have one while the other was occupied. Not why I have two of them, estoy occupado know what I mean? (notwithstanding - a twofer would have made for less wear and tear with the multiple csections - but I digress) But - happy mommy, happy baby (in your case babies) and healthy looking to boot - if it makes y'all happy - boob or not to boob, looks like its working either way.

Poor kid - probably scarred for life. Hey, my sibs and I got frequently forgotten by my dad. He'll forgive you long before you forgive yourself. ;0)

Sorry about the crutches man. So not cool as an adult. (says the mom who spent 4 days on crutches the week before Christmas) Hope healing is swift.

I have a contours double too - is it not THE best?! I do our weekly grocery shopping with it. People behind us in line frequently are dismayed - er - amazed when they see how much groceries I pull out of that basket underneath . ..

[nate]

Domperidone saved my butt, although my husband made fun of me for ordering meds from Vanuatu.

Man, anything anyone posts on bf'ing always stirs up a hornets' next. Liz, anything you do w/ those new babies for at least the next two years is bound to p*ss someone off. Motherhood is one big judgment fest at times, but then it seems to ease up after a while. Maybe b/c the choices you (we) make are less obvious?

I don't think the women who give up after "a few days" were just not that interested in it in the first place. There's a lot of bad information out there, a lot of counter-productive "help" offered by the healthcare community, and after almost a century of formula being pushed on women, there's not a lot of cultural support out there. Time was, women would know about bf'ing, and know it's hard, b/c they were around other nursing women b/f they had their babies. And there was also a community of people to help them in the beginning. But now that's gone, we lead very self-contained lives, and instead of a new mother who wants to bf being surrounded by people who know the possible problems, she's surrounded by free formula samples, advertising, etc.

The last thing a new mom needs is guilt from strangers who say she wasn't all that interested in the first place.

And I say all that as someone who nursed my daughter until she was almost 4 yrs old. It was HARD, I had low milk supply, due to breast reduction surgery, (and a c/section) and we nearly didn't make it. Madison is a pretty pro-nursing town. I'd hate to think what would've happened in a less supportive area.

Whoosh, off my soap box. Julia, I'd love to bring you brownies and watch those shows with you!

[nate]

BTW, although I haven't forgotten to pick up C (yet, although I'm sure it's just a matter of time), my parents left me at church once. They'd gone to some post-church congregational luncheon/mtg at another location, and left me there w/ the rest of the kids, and after the mtg were halfway home when my older sister (who'd gone with them) said "where's E?" So they had to turn around and come back into St. Paul to get me.

The best part? It was my 8th birthday.

[MrsWaltz]

Okay, I can't believe I'm going public with this, but you need some cheering up. I don't even have the twin newborn excuse (baby is now 3 [not sure how that happened]) and I did much worse than forget to pick up my kindergartener. I sent him to his Aunt's house for spring break for a week. The WRONG week, according to the school secretary who called and wanted to know where my child was. Feel better now?

[Pat]

Sometimes a new mom just needs an adviocate to get them through the first few days when it is so easy to get frustrated.
An example: My cousin went through her first pregnancy adamant that she wanted to breastfeed exclusively. She ended up having a c-section and was in horrible pain in the first few days and was terrified to breastfeed because she feared the pain of the contractions to that breasfeeding can initially bring. Add to that the fact that all but one of the nurses at the clinic where she delivered were quite willing to pop a bottle of formula into the baby's mouth.
During that first week, she would have been quite happy to give up on that breastfeeding dream if her doctor, that one nurse and I had not become an informal tag team of encouragement and in some cases firm insistence.
To pre-empt the person who thinks we were breastfeeding bullies,I did it not because I am such a strict breastfeeding advocate (in fact, I am one of those people who think the mom's mental wellbeing trumps baby's need for breastmilk). I encouraged her because I knew she had been serious about her desire to breastfeed and it was just the pain of the moment that was deterring her.
The end result is that eight months later she still treasures her breastfeeding time with her son. For the first few months of his life she breastfed him almost exclusively, using formula when she felt that was necessary.
Now, at 8 mths, his diet includes breastmilk, formula and soft foods.

[Liz]

To Slim -
I you. Thank you.

Liz

PS - Julia - I you too. (and I'm not generally this sappy. Oh okay, I am.)

[electric boogaloo]

My dad forgot me in third grade. He was working nights and watching my little brother during the day and finally reached his own no-sleep limit. It worked out great for me actually. I can still use those guilt points all these years later.

And is that baby even REAL?? She looks like an artist's concept of a perfect child.

[Lydia]

Julia, I am soooooo with you on the simple fact of women not getting the simple facts.

I'll never forget my prenatal breastfeeding class (worthless) telling me, "If it hurts, you're not doing it right."

I wish they'd just tell everybody up front: Hungry baby + virgin nipples = little bit o' pain.

I spent the first month flustered because I had sore nipples which meant I "wasn't doing it right."

Getting on soapbox now: I would have given up had I not gotten help from a Doctor of Breastfeeding Medicine-- I kid you not-- an actual M.D. who does only that-- which was 100% covered by insurance.

Every woman DESERVES that.

[Monica C.]

Caroline is adorable and DOES look really happy, especially with that one leg in the air. :)

BTDT, with respect to forgetting the child. My husband normally does picks up our girls from school, but he was out of town and I was at work and had forgotten all about my having agreed to - ahem - pick up my own child. In fact, I didn't think of it at all until my husband happened to call me about 5 minutes before the pick-up was scheduled. For some reason, just hearing the sound of his voice released the distant memory of what I'd agreed to. His "Hey, honey" was met with an immediate, "OH SHIT!".

Now, if I ever have to pick up one of my children, or do anything outside of my normal routine, for that matter, I put it in my Microsoft Outlook Calendar with reminders every 4 hours, starting 24 hours before the deadline. Sad, but true! :)

[Brad]

The babies are beautiful, Julia! (as expected!)

The first time my kids went to summer camp was a joyous occasion. Drop them off on Sunday, and no kids until Saturday afternoon! Except I was supposed to pick them up Friday afternoon. They called after waiting patiently for a couple hours, and camp is, you know, three hours away by car, so I was around 6 hours late. I paid for the counselor's end of summer party and, amazingly, they still let us come back the following year. The kids thought it was HI-larious. Leaving Patrick at Kindergarten? Forgive the pun, but that's child's play. Don't sweat it. :-)

[Liz]

My last comment (and I promise this on my last on the post) was supposed to read "I heart you" to Slim and Julia.

Must. Go. Nap.

[JuliaKB]

oh man, is she ever cute! Yummy might be a better word there.
I think the best part of what you are saying about your breastfeeding story is that you roll with the punches and do what needs to be done. I think that is the view that is sorely missing in the bottle vs. breast battle. A lot of women get this idea that it's either exclusive or nothing. And if they can't manage exclusive, they just give up.

[Celeste]

If you premix formula with warm water you won't have lumps. For any kind of travel where I couldn't refrigerate a premixed bottle, I brought along formula that was ready to use. It seemed like it beat relying on the little mixer or having to clean it. Hope this helps.

[Hetty Fauxvert]

OMG, is Little Miss Caroline a living doll or what?! And she appears to be ready for the Rockettes already. What a love.

Re breastfeeding twins: Don't ask me, my saggy middle-aged boobs did their best but it wasn't much. Thank God for formula. I did everything but stand on my head to produce milk but I think some women simply don't produce that much. I did pump until the boys were nearly a year, and fed them what pitiful little I managed that way. (Sorry, you didn't ask for my POV on this, but honestly, after just about killing myself trying to produce milk, and then getting snide remarks from numerous lactation "experts," I am now primed to rant at the drop of a hat. Or a blog.)

So glad you are producing. Good work. :)

[Kel]

Just read the most recent Redbook piece and you have also come to the same conculsion that I have with my three.

Of all the irrational fears I have of my parenting skills (there are plenty), playing favorites (especially with the twins) doesn't really hit me because I so believe that N is my favorite N and is great at all the N things and has N things we will work on, same for L and same for I.

The trick is always to catch them doing something right.

Kel

[Sam]

It took me awhile after I had my sweet boy to be able to stomach the "baby shows" - I don't know why, maybe I was LIVING it so I didn't care so much for watching it. Of course, in that last month before I gave birth I was obsessed, could not MISS them. I've recently discovered "Deliver Me" on the Discovery Health Channel and I love it. It's real and has interesting medical situations and pregnant mamas and I just get a kick out of it. So, if you're not watching it, I highly recommend it!

Don't worry TOO much about forgetting to pick up Patrick. I think we can all safely agree you have a LOT on your plate. In fact, are there any other school moms you could call in a favor and maybe have Patrick ride home with a friend/their kid once a week?

And heck, if you are managing to breastfeed, whether a lot or a little, it definitely counts. No doubt about it.

[Rhonda]

Oh those smooshable cheeks! Caroline is one seriously cute baby.

Obviously your babies are eating and growing (and getting cuter by the day); that sounds like success to me.

As for forgetting Patrick, yes it's terribly embarrassing, but Patrick will survive, and everyone is probably willing to cut you some slack because of the twins.I'll bet you weren't the first mom to forget and you won't be the last. It'll all work out.

[Brenda]

I haven't nursed a baby in over 21 years, but I can tell you that some babies just don't want to nurse. Two of mine quit at 5 months. So, don't any of you nursing mothers beat yourselves up.

As for leaving a child..... I drove my youngest to school, after working a graveyard shift. Got to the school, drove around the drop off spot, and headed back home. As I turned the first corner, he piped up from the back seat.."Uh, mom...you forgot to drop me off." I also forgot to be home when one child was being dropped of from kindergarten. She went to the neighbors home, but they weren't there either..I was making a mad dash out of Costco.

And to Liz, with two kids in two weeks. I consider myself a "twin", much like your two. Only we are both adopted. My birthday is around Thanksgiving and his is close to Christmas. My mom always says... 'what one didn't think of the other did.' ENJOY!

[Karen]

Caroline is Beautiful. And, while I read your post, I could feel the tingle of my milk coming in, and I haven't nursed in 5 years.

[Inzaburbs]

Don't feel bad, I forgot to pick up my kindergartner last week too, and I don't even have twins! Or even one infant... And I swear I had had at least 4 hours sleep the night before...

And that picture of Caroline is beautiful.