Beloved

You know what occurs to me? It occurs to me that I only write blog posts these days when I have the time to do so. That means that the babies are either asleep or content to the point of stupor, Patrick is occupied, I have written for REDBOOK as per my agreement with those fine people and my house is clean. No wonder I write so infrequently but when I do I produce roseate valentines to love/children/family/togetherness. I am in such a good mood because when I sit down at my computer I am not dealing with any of them.

So, in the spirit of total honesty, 99% of the time  I am sleepy, slightly overwhelmed and mostly crabby.

Last night around midnight I said to my sweet pretty baby girl, "Oh for the love of god Caroline, STOP SMILING AT ME AND GO TO SLEEP." Seriously, it is like living with Shirley fucking Temple.

Patrick, who I remember as being such a wonderful child upon whose every word the fruit of my life was hung, has been trying my patience to no end - what with his bouncing around all over the place with those flailing, baby crushing limbs of his and the fact that he. never. stops. talking. Good LORD. And to think that this was the kid whose urgent need for speech therapy left me tearfully worried that we might never know what was going on inside that well-shaped head of his. Fear not - there is never a thought that goes unuttered. For a while he was getting up six to ten times a night after we had put him to bed, just to open his door and shout down new observations to us (e.g. "They must have eclipses on other planets!" - Go to sleep; "Sassy started her own science museum in 1872!" - Go to sleep; "If you make a puppet without ears you would need to do sign language with your left hand but if you had TWO puppets without ears they would live in silence" - What? I mean... GO TO SLEEP!) He has stopped doing this but I recently discovered that it is just because he simply gets up after we leave his room and reads. At some later point he gets tired, turns off the light and goes back to bed; so that by the time we check on him around eleven he is just as we left him at eight. I might never have caught on to his Make-Your-Own-Bedtime shenanigans if he hadn't implicated himself WITH ALL THAT TALKING HE DOES. A few days ago he was blathering on and I heard "... blah blah blah blah and then when I got up and finished that book... ." Ah ha! Busted.

Although, you know, I am having a hard time feeling passionate about correcting this behavior, probably because I am insomniac myself and I can remember lying in the dark for HOURS as a child waiting to fall asleep. BOR-ING. On the one hand he is spending the time constructively, he is still getting about eleven hours of sleep, and he is not bothering us so... why fuss? On the other hand, we do say "OK, good night, go to sleep" so the whole getting up and reading instead is clearly defiant behavior.

It's a pickle, and I am so ambivalent about it that we are following a don't ask/don't tell policy. I suppose that is bad parenting.

Who did I forget?

Oh, Kelvin the crazy (excuse me, the spacefuck crazy) cat has been peeing in the corner of our bedroom off and on for a while, despite the fact that he is monitored more closely than Castro for changes in his medical condition and the fact that Steve lovingly carries him around like a baby when he is not asleep on Steve's lap. One could argue that the cat is jealous of the twins but hell, they should be jealous of him. So we just got the restoration cleaners back in again and they pulled up the carpet and replaced the pad and pumped 5 billion gallons of water through the area and finally gave it a clean bill of health. As I was handing the guy the check - as I was handing the guy the check -  Kelvin nudged my foot over and  started to pee.

I. Could. Have. Killed. Him.

Steve has been rather sweet lately but he is finally having his knee surgery on Friday morning, so he is on my list, too. As far as I know they will be fracturing his kneecap and then... then I don't know what because at that point of his medical narrative I always start thinking about how I am going to cope with FOUR NEEDY PEOPLE in my house and the next thing I know I am in the fetal position and Steve has stopped talking. The part I am clear about is that he will be on crutches for six weeks and he will have some sort of machine that moves his leg for him eight hours a day. Every five minutes I discover a new thing Steve will be unable to accomplish with crutches (taking the trash down to the road. changing the vaulted ceiling light bulbs. carrying a baby... the mind boggles.) Obviously Steve is still my precious baboo and I am sorrier than I can say that he is broken and I hope the surgery will enable him to eventually walk without pain but I cannot help but notice that his surgery is a trifle inconvenient, is all. Besides he walked around like Banquo's ghost moaning about the extra work when I was on bed rest, so there.

Oh dear I forgot Edward. What a terrible mother I am. Let's see, what has Edward been doing to irritate me? Oh right. I was so excited about the new stroller setup that I planned a massive errand running excursion yesterday to celebrate my return to mobility. Which is when I learned that Edward really really really hates the car. He was fed, he was dry, he was clean, he had an amusing little hanging toy; and yet he screamed and screamed. I am used to some objections at the beginning of an outing but nonstop yelling for the duration of a wee trip for more fenugreek (fenugreek to benefit him, I will have him know) is just rude.

Well, that feels better. Nothing like admitting that your entire family is annoying you. Fortunately my mom and brother arrive tomorrow for a long weekend and I expect they will let me escape for a restorative pedicure and everything will be gumballs and rainboots again. Or they'll kick my ass - since they have never tolerated for long these unbecoming fits of temper.

Hope you are well and enjoying each and every second with the cherished people you hold dear.    

    

Comments

[terri c]

Ah, Julia. You are daunting in that, even in the throes of utterly normal, sleep-deprivation-induced, stress-induced, crabbiness, you remain an exquisite writer. Steve may not be able to carry a baby but he can certainly hold one on his lap even if it means displacing Kelvin to the corner of the bedroom, and I would think that if we could send a man to the moon we could devise a way for the machine that bends his knee to simultaneously rock a cradle. Eight hours a day. If I lived near you I would come take out your trash. Best wishes to Steve on his surgery. Best wishes and good drugs.

[anonymousey]

Regarding Patrick's night time reading habits...

I did that for years. I was one of those little kids who NEVER slept, never even napped. At night, according to the 'rents, I would grab a few books and read until I passed out. I just wasn't ready for sleep so I occupied myself until I was. That lasted from the time I was three or four through elementary school. Well, truthfully, I still read a bit before bed a few times a week.

I say just let him do his thing. He's obviously a clever little guy. It's not really hurting anything to let him read. Like you said, he's still getting enough sleep, not bothering you... Is it really worth arguing with him over?

xoxo
Anonymousey

[Accidental Poet]

hahahahaha "shirley fucking temple"

I can't stop giggling.

[daysgoby]

Honey, you need a mudpack and some chocolate.

Or maybe a mudpack OF chocolate?

And eight (interrupted)hours of sleep?

I hope your Mom babies YOU a little.

[Jennifer]

Well, if anything, Patrick never allows it to be boring! I always appreciate your sense of humor in adversity-and a husband on crutches for six weeks is a lot of adversity in a house with twin infants. Hope that it goes well, and if you need some help from the hinterlands of the metro, all ya gotta do is ask!

[Nicole]

My husband suddenly "had to have" knee surgery when our baby was about six months old. Even though he's had the same problem for YEARS. I couldn't then and can't now see the reason for his timing- would it have killed him to wait six more months? Really?

I hope you get your pedicure and other lovelyness.

[Pam L]

I suppose I should know what fenugreek is....

Hey, you're human and can admit, that no matter how adorable and amazing your precious children are, they can get on your last nerve fairly easily, especially when you are sleep deprived.

I have one that was/is up all night but he doesn't get near as much sleep as Patrick so I do worry about that. For Patrick I'm not as concerned and he will sleep when he's really tired as he gets older, I hope, then you can worry. For now at least he's reading, with the talking thrown in. The sign language puppets crack me up.

[CathyY]

I adored that post... every little word. I always look forward to reading your thoughts.

My daughter, 3, talks incessantly as well. Not particularly charming when my 3-month-old is screaming and my eyeballs are withdrawing from lack of horizontal.

[Kirsten]

Yup, I was another of those insomniac children, and I used to read by my night-light. My parents probably thought I needed the night-light to ward off dark and monsters, but I really just hadn't finished my book yet.

And now my child? "reads" by night-light. (She can't quite read yet. But she pages through her books and recites the memorized text.)

For what it's worth, I love to sleep now. When I can.

[Sheridan]

I am just so pleased to read that you are really human. If I measured any of my attributes against yours, I would be a dismal failure on each one. It's nice to know that you feel as crabby toward everyone as I do sometimes.

Great post. You really are the best writer around. Thanks for posting so often! With all those needy people, I know it can't be easy.

[Kizz]

OK, I know that the post tuck in chatter is wrong and bad and should be curbed but how could you have LIVED not ever having heard that bit about 2 puppets living in silence! That's like The Daily Show meets Waiting for Godot! I want to use that in a screenplay, can I, please? I will give Patrick credit.

I'll add my slightly sleep-deprived voice to the throng about post bedtime reading, though. It was allowed in my house and turned out to be a really effective self-help method for a high anxiety kid. (Truth be told it's still pretty good for a high anxiety 39-year-old.)

[Cathy]

I took care of all the nighttime awakenings myself also, for similar reasons. But eventually my 11 month old never-a-good-sleeper-son was waking up more and more frequently and I just couldn't do it anymore. I asked my husband to help. I slept in the family room where I couldn't hear him crying for me (which was hard), but I slept through for 10 hours. I felt like I'd been reborn, I couldn't believe how good I felt. It had been so long that I had forgotten what it felt like to be rested.

By the way, on NPR a few weeks ago, they were discussing forms of torture used by the millitary/contracted organizations and one was waking the prisoner up every hour of the night.

[Lawmommy]

"we do say "OK, good night, go to sleep" so the whole getting up and reading instead is clearly defiant behavior."

Well, as the mom of another child who does the exact same thing, feverishly reading until he literally falls asleep with his face ON the book - if you just say, "OK, good night, see you in the morning" - then, it stops being defiant behavior and just starts being reasonable behavior for a creature who has never been a good sleeper. Does that make sense? I've given up trying to force sleep. If my son stays in his bed and is quiet and doesn't wake his sister in the next room, I just let it go. And thank the powers that be that he was early reader, cause I was losing my mind before that.

Gretchen

[Brenna]

Thank you for that. I was starting to imagine you with a halo as you cheerfully ministered to the many needs of your angelic brood.

As for Patrick and his late-night reading: Stop telling him to go to sleep. Ta-da! No more defiance! Problem solved. Seriously though, I'm so tired (as I'm sure you are) my general rule of thumb regarding after-bedtime behavior is as long as I don't have to get involved, I don't care.

[AM]

If Steve loves crazy cat so much, maybe he'd like to put him on Prozac. I have done this with my pooping the in the wrong places cat that I can't stand to send to the kitty box in the sky, and it's worked wonders. She actually plays with cat toys! She is more loving! My bedroom doesn't stink! It's win all around, except for having to poke a pill down her throat once a day, but, since she's now happy, it's easier than you might think to accomplish even that.
AM

[Major Bedhead]

I used to sneak books like mad when I was a child, too. I'd hide a flashlight under my pillow and read by that and when that finally died, I'd beg my parents to leave the hall light on and squint and strain to see the words. I finally moved my bed by the door so I could just hang over the bed and read that way. And I'm relatively normal now. *twitch*

[Jen M]

Just wanted to post that my son screamed the entire time that he was in the car until we tried a different car seat. Then he was completely happy and didn't make a peep. Something about being in his previous one was torturous to him, although I could never figure out why.

[md]

Enjoying reading your blog. Gorgeous smart kids!

Silly question, but do you often use the word shenanigans or is a recent addition to your writing. Just curious if it is a regional thing or just part of the recent popular use of it due to the Juno movie.

[Nic]

Your not the only one that has had it with their family. I am amazed that I actually went to the grocery store with 4 children, ages 8,5,2 and 10 weeks. I felt like I deserved an award and so do you!

[Aurelia]

Sneaking books is okay for awhile, (I did it for sure) as long as they get enough sleep overall. It's a problem when they get older and are up reading til all hours and won't get up in the morning.

So as long as you strike a balance, ignore it, but watch out for this because at some point, it's going to be annoying and you will be me ripping your hair out yelling at the kid to get out of bed in the morning.

And yes, I'm glad you are human as well and feel okay to tell us you do lose your mind sometimes. That said, you guys have been through a lot and Steve's surgery is going to add more. Have you thought about getting some more help in while he recovers? A home care nurse? A nanny to help hold one baby while you take care of the others? I'm glad your mom is coming, but still, she can't stay for 6 weeks. Think about it.

[Mandy]

Get some help in - friend, family or hired - for this period of time that Steve will be unable to help. Seriously.

[Lori]

My daughter was also in speech therapy. My daughter also does not stop talking. Just last night I was feeling wiped out and we were lying on the couch watching American Idol. She wouldn't stop talking. About anything and everything. I wanted to tell her - you don't have to tell me EVERY thought that pops into your head!! But I held back. Eventually I couldn't take it and I said, "You have to stop talking, I'm tired and I just can't concentrate on everything you are saying." Shortly afterwards she went upstairs to read, so I fear I may have hurt her feelings. I'm a bad mom, I know. Oh, by the way, she's eleven, so it doesn't appear to be something they grow out of.

[Jen]

My kids (twins, b/g, six and a half) are late night readers, too. I'm a teacher and I spend my days begging and bribing kids to read. Just read. So I just can't find it in my heart to make them stop reading. When they get overtired we do have no reading nights. They hate it, but I have to do it for all of our sanity (sanities?).
We used to give a time for lights out after we said good night - and that worked for quite awhile. They got to be independent about choosing to turn off the light and they got enough sleep.

[Nina]

Well that was a relief to read.

My son was born the day after your twins and I'm really glad I'm not the one who can be seen looking sternly at my beaming baby and going: "No! No! Now it is not smiling time! Now is sleeping time!"

On the other hand as for Patrick I wouldn't worry about it. I think as long as he's being quiet by himself in his bedroom just count your lucky stars and go to sleep.

[L.]

I was an insomniac kid who would sneak a read, and my parents would always catch me and make me stop, and I'd lie there in the dark for hours awake anyway, and now I have all these ISSUES about going to bed which I totally trace back to those days. (I now have my own baby and am so sleep-deprived that insomnia is so NOT a problem). So I think if I had a Patrick-like situation I would just let the kid read. If he's going to be up anyway, what's the diff? At least he will be enjoying himself instead of bored stiff. If he gets older and it cuts into his sleeping time, that's a different story, but heck, cross that bridge when you come to it.

[winecat]

Earless puppets living in silence. OMG what an imagination! It's hysterical, although I'm sure it wasn't to you at the time.

So let's see with the talking, the smiling, the screaming and I'm sure the whining with the surgery ...

RUN, Run as fast as you can to the spa and stay there for the weekend.

Enjoy your Mom and brother's visit. Let them hold the babies.

[Erin]

Oh my Jesus, that was funny. It's so nice to know that everyone else's family annoys this shit out of them like mine. My husband had an "emergency" appendectomy when our first was 8 weeks old and colicky, and I was in throes of postpartum depression. Now she's 3 and has to take a book to bed to read every night, and now so does her 2-year-old sister. I just tuck them in with their books and tell them not to leave the room - if I don't see it, it doesn't happen. It's better than the screaming that ensues if I try to take the books away, which the English teacher in me just can't do, anyway!

[Meegan]

Just when I think you must have had faulty LASIK eye surgery resulting in a never-ending rosy shade cast upon your life, you drop the "F" bomb in the middle of Shirley Temple's name. Ah, Julia. How I love thee.

[Clover]

Can I tell you this makes me feel 1000 times better about my own life? I have been wondering why the hell I'm such a wreck 8 months post-twins when you seem to have it all together 8 weeks after having twins.
Oh, and my 7 year old should hang out with Patrick at 10 pm- they could have an "anything but sleep" party. He's developed an insomniac habit also. Maybe that's a common trait of much older siblings of twins? But how is Patrick getting 11 hours of sleep if he's not falling asleep until 11 and he's got kindergarten in the morning?

[CA]

I don't know if it's possible to love Patrick any more than I already do. The sign language to deaf puppets thing is TOO MUCH!!!! hee

[moo]

ah, Julia you sound so NORMAL, it's so wonderful.

I've been down in the dumps too, lately with everything irritating me and I don't have any good excuse, let alone as good as an excuse as YOURS.

Hang in there!

[Kim]

Okay - as always, I completely *heart* Patrick. My God, you have a funny kid!!!! I used to be addicted to the Nancy Drew books and would read under the covers with a flashlight. That is, until the night I got busted when my mom had to get up in the middle of the night to use the bathroom. I agree with everyone else - don't tell him to go to sleep and your problem is solved. Anyways, you have enough to worry about right now.

Re: Kelvin, we too have a recently, like in the last two years, crazy cat. Have no idea why he started pooing and peeing in the house. The vet thinks it's stress. Okay, let me tell you about stress - you don't see ME doing that, now do you?

Anyway, we too are doing the Prozac - for the cat, not me - (1/4 10 mg tablet every day), also bought Feliway diffusers (Petsmart.com). They are supposed to emit a continuous stream of pheromones to calm the cat.

http://www.petsmart.com/product/index.jsp?productId=2755197&cp=&sr=1&origkw=feliway&kw=feliway&parentPage=search&keepsr=1

Good luck with it all - and I second the vote to have Steve hold a baby (both babies!) while he is in recovery mode!

Kim

[JuliaKB]

So when I was a kid, that's what I used to do-- sneak a book to bed and read. Which was harder than you think because for a long time my little corner with the curtain separating it from the corridor in our apartment had no nightlight, and I had to go to the curtain to turn on the ceiling light, and then I had to listen for parents and run to turn it off when I heard them head for that part of the place. Years later I found out that they knew and did their best not to bust me.

Monkey has a nightlight and permission to read to herself for a bit after bedtime. She usually doesn't last too long.

[StephanieO]

When we got new carpet recently, we discovered that there are carpet pads made of closed-cell-foam, which is to say they do not get wet! We have two kids and two dogs, so we jumped on that upgrade. Since the wet stuff doesn't soak into the pad, it's much easier to get smells out of the carpet. So they say, anyway.

When my son (now 18 months) was four months old, my husband had ACL surgery. His dad came into town for a few days to help and was worth his weight in gold - perhaps that's why your mom and brother are in town? Did you know that general anesthesia can make your bladder "forget" how to pee, and that if you haven't urinated in 12 hours, you have to go the ER (it can damage your kidneys)? I didn't either. Apparently this is rare for people who aren't senior citizens, but it happened to my 36 year old husband. I'm so glad his dad was here so I didn't have to pack up the 5 year old and the 4 month old and go hang out in the ER.

The recovery was crushing for a short time, but you do what you have to do. Good luck to Steve (and all of you) on the surgery!

[kris]

I just wanted to comment that as long as he's getting enough sleep, I highly doubt it's doing any harm to let him read. He's not hurting anybody, and quite frankly, at least he's not running around your house breaking things (quietly) instead of going to bed. :D

Man, I wish my mom had let me read til I was tired... then again, it's probably better she didn't. I would've been up until I finished the book.

[Cherith]

I'm sorry, I am just SO sorry, but I am laughing like a loon over the speech therapy receiving chatterbox. I have one of those too. He uttered nary a word until around age 2 when my sister, early childhood something or other, stepped in and informed me that we might want to do something about the lack of verbal.

Oh my holy goodness...the boy is now 4, almost 5, and he NEVER STOPS TALKING. EVER.

I have honestly looked at him and said, "Sweetie I love you more than life itself but if I can't ever again go more than 63 seconds without hearing your now fully functional voice I am going to go stark raving mad." He smiled and informed me that I did not look mad, I should squish my eyes up if I am mad.

I now frequently thank my sister for her oh so helpful professional input. Whenever the chatter threatens to drive me over the edge I give him the phone and tell him to call Aunt Esther. I figure that is MORE than fair.

Surgery? Now? May I suggest you hire both a hubby nanny AND a houseboy to take his place for those 6 weeks?

[jenB]

FABULOUS post. I was also insomniac kid. Not so much with the talking though. Tonight I have to wait until EVERY kitty toy was lined up on the bed. gah. Just like your dad I muttered. I will be annoyed with him when he gets home, in your honour.

[HeatherG]

You funny.

[peeks]

I too used to read instead of lying around awake. no problem now. 11 hours is a very good sleep, agree with sensible person who said wait till he's not getting up in the morning before you intervene.

Definitely get help in, I'm sure you can cope but don't think you should try. Just think about feeding them all, getting Patrick to school, washing, cooking aaargh no you CAN'T.

[Carrie]

Well it's about time! I was beginning to worry that those of us with 0,1, or 2 children were really quite ungrateful. So happy to hear you join us in the "I love you but I need to be left alone sometimes" camp. Love your writing...thanks for sharing!

[Meri]

I still have trouble winding down at night - Tuesday night I bolted up in the middle of the night and told Mike something that was apparently very important. Of course, we have no idea what I said...

I also used to read with a night light (actually, a Christmas window candle). I think it's helpful to figure out how to get yourself to sleep, at whatever age.

[Me too]

I concur with anonymousey - leave it be. He is quiet in his room and seems well rested. That's enough. I read every night to get myself to sleep and still do. It's great that he has figured this out and why mess with a kid that stays in his room and goes to sleep? And good luck with the rest of it.

[lisak]

My now 9 yr old son has been talking non-stop for 8 yrs now. He's also anxious being too far away from either of us adults, so he pops up when I am doing things like taking a load of laundry to the basement--and talks some more. Some days it is just exhausting! Most of the time he is in the same room, chattering away. He was never a great sleeper, and didn't sleep through the night until well past kindergarten--good thing he's cute, has the worlds longest eyelashes, and generally pretty easy going!

I agree with others--while Steve is out of commission, I'd hire some help. Good lord, you have more than enough on your plate already.

[momo2]

My two boys hated restraints, which made car rides living hell. The 2 hour trip between home and grandparent's was torture that even Bush wouldn't allow of the CIA. The endless screaming simultaneously tore at my heart-strings and drove me over the brink of insanity. If driving alone I would crank the music super loud and sing, hoping that the little ears wouldn't be damaged in the process. It was the only way to make it home in one piece though. Trips to grandparent's house were few and far between for a number of years. :(

[Heather]

Oh, my Julia, you crack me up! Hope DH gets up on his feet sooner than usual, to help you out with the annoying but very loved family you two have.

I loved this post. This is exactly how I feel on a regular basis. I love my family, but sometimes they are just so annoying....

[Alex]

Hmmm. My husband "had" to have Lasik surgery in my third trimester, which there was a "fair enough" aspect to, in that like infertility treatment -- unequivocably pursued primarily at my behest -- it was not covered by insurance and had, therefore, arguably been delayed several years on behalf of my desires and our (empty) coffers. At the time I was nonetheless irritated -- couldn't this have waited until I was on maternity leave anyway? But in retrospect, it was the right choice. A thought that may not bode well for Steve's surgery given that in ours, there were no twins, older siblings, or crutches involved and I still decided it was, ultimately, best that it was done pre-partum.

Um. As for Patrick's reading, I think "don't ask, don't tell," is OK but that perhaps, "discuss, accept" would be even better. As I recall, the rule in my childhood home was that we had to (a) go to bed (b) stay in bed (or maybe just in the bedroom? However, my brother and I shared a room, so both of us out of our beds might have led to mayhem and this seems unlikely), and (c) be quiet. Incidental amusements, such as stacking 100 stuffed animals in a pyramid or reading, were OK since one could not, it was understood, force oneself to go to sleep.

There must have been some limits to that because I also remember reading under the covers with a flashlight, or maybe I just enjoyed the thrill...

Lovely, as always to hear from you. I hope your family brings welcome help.

[They Aitch]

Despite all that you sound like you're doing pretty good girlie. And those kids? Effing cute all the way...the whole lot of them.

[Jesse]

The puppets living in silence line is classic. I heart Patrick! I also sympathize with him as I was a late night reader as a kid too. My parents eventually would just tell me to go to bed and the rule was that I could keep the light on as long as I was reading. My brother, who hated to read, found this to be deeply unfair and he couldn't understand why he couldn't keep his light on and play GI Joes. I think it's good practice for kids to have that quiet time to unwind a bit before going to bed. Nevermind that Patrick is plenty smart enough to find new (and potentially noisier/more annoying) ways to keep himself entertained before he is ready to fall asleep.

[Priscilla]

Bless your heart. I hope you enjoy your pedicure! We've all had those days when everyone is just too fucking annoying.

As for books (Redbook) why don't you read Alexander and the Terrible, No Good, Very Bad Day? In keeping with your last few days, and always a crowd pleaser.

[SarahD]

I was another child insomniac--my clock was just set at 11 pm from birth, period. So even though I went to bed whenever my parents said, I was wide awake for hours. As long as he's getting the time, it won't hurt him. Team Let Him Wear Himself Out :D