Sartorial

Patrick went to a birthday party today. This was one of our first forays into socializing with school friends whose parents we don't know from the Addams. Although I don't really care, I was still sort of glad when Steve said he was going to change before taking Patrick to the party. Steve had been working on his breakfast bar all morning and he was wearing one of his old shirts with bits of whatever lives under our porch still clinging to his person. I am sure Joe's parents would not have turned Patrick from the door after realizing that Patrick's father is a filthy vagrant (in fact they might have given him some cake to take home, the poor little mite) but I would have been embarrassed next September when they urged me to accept the box of canned goods that had been collected on our behalf. So when Steve went to change I was a little relieved. I wrapped the gift and helped Patrick locate his shoes and I was about to wish them both a fond farewell when I got a look at what Steve had changed into and I regretted for about the millionth time that we don't drink wine with lunch in this country:

Imagine, if you will, a place called Versailles (Ver-sales), Ohio. Every year this town hosts a Poultry Festival  (and they serve a very nice chicken dinner, too), which features a tournament in addition to the tilt-a-whirl and the used book sale in the high school library (at which I have on more than one occasion scored some truly excellent vintage Stories for Girls). The tournament pits a grab bag of co-ed players against each other and one of the more whimsical notions is that many teams will give themselves a name related to both poultry and the mixing of the sexes: Chicks with Dicks springs to mind. And, of course, every team has a t-shirt; of which Steve has collected more than a few over the years. Right? Right. So my beloved husband trotted out to meet some fellow school parents for the first time wearing a tomato red t-shirt of great antiquity that reads: Breasts and Thighs! and is emblazoned with the image of chicken whose anatomical realism is... dubious.

What. the hell.

I have a babydoll dress from 1992 that I still love. It is made of, I dunno, crepe paper and it  starts just above the aureoles and ends about 1/2 millimeter below my underpants. I wore it to play pool one summer night when I was 21 and it... it was a great night. There are occasions, generally after I have been listening to Alphaville one too many times on the ipod, that I will pull that dress from its hiding place in my closet, carefully lock the bathroom door behind me and put it on; shedding a few silver tears over the dear dead days beyond recall.     

What I do not do is pair it with some heels and trip off to meet the PTA.  

When I asked Steve if he was wearing that to take Patrick to the party he looked confused and said yes. When I asked if he wanted to just put on one of those trucker hats with the foam boobs on top and bring along a copy of Swank to flip through while the children play he said, "No. And yes."

No offense, but men are total fucking idiots.

Patrick, incidentally, had a lovely time. They went bowling.

Comments

[becca]

Oh good time. My husband wanted to wear sunglasses on our wedding day as we got married on the beach. Not what i had in mind for wedding photos.

[anonymous]

I believe I just sprained something laughing. Oy. Men.

[Kristi]

I loved the fucking idiots comment. *sigh* Why are they so clueless? Had to say THANK YOU for this post, it was awesome.

[Pam L]

So, did he change?

[CathyY]

I'm so very glad I'm not alone in this... more often it's the shirt that looks like it's been slept in 5 nights in a row. The iron doesn't bite. Really.

[MomVee]

Forever young, I want to be forever young...

[Heather]

Forever Young was our wedding party song, and it"s mostly true. I cracked up at what the shirt said! My DH used to have this pink plaid shirt when we were dating. I wonder whatever happened to that.

[VirginiaMom]

I grew up near Versailles (Ver-sales), a little town in Western Pennsylvania. I was in college before I realized there was another pronunciation. Versailles was a few towns away from Buena Vista (Buna Vista). Neither had a poultry festival, but both had week-long volunteer firemen's fairs.

[MrsWaltz]

Okay, I'm with you on the fashion distress and all, but I think it's nicely counterbalanced by the fact that the man actually took your son to the birthday party! How did you do that? Is there a class I can take? Not only would my husband not know any of the school parents from the Addamms'....he wouldn't know the Addamms.

[Sarah]

I thought I had it bad when my husabnd wore two plaids (he has since ceased doing this, since i weeded these garments out of his wardrobe.)

[barbara]

ha! shall I go up to Ver-sales and get this year's T-Shirt for your hubby? Funny post :)

[Audrey]

Ah. Men. Can't live with em, can't sell 'em for parts :-P Thanks for the giggle!

[MichelleB]

OMfG. Dying from the laughter over here.

[Ashley]

Picture? Please?

[Beth]

I feel your pain--I have had the "Is THAT what you're wearing?" conversation with my husband numerous times. And he gets the same confused look I'm sure Steve had, and like Steve, he doesn't seem to get that anything might be wrong with what he's wearing.

Men. Hmph.

[Heather E]

I wanted to comment about Edward and his sweating. Are you putting him in a sleeper to go to bed? Have you thought about just letting him sleep in a diaper and nothing else? Also are you keeping his room cool enough? When I had my little man I was super paranoid about SIDS(even though I had never lost a child to it-you know irrational new mother fears) and read everything I could, I do remember reading that the cooler the room the better for the baby. Hope this helps.

[Lala]

Ahhh Poultry Days! I always love a good ulti story.

[Steph]

I'm sorry your husband is clueless . . but it does make for great story telling. I laughed and laughed.

[Christiana]

Commenting on the sweaty sleeper thing from REDBOOK... my Caroline is the same way, though more so in her car seat than in her crib. She also sleeps on her stomach (she mastered the rolling over thing, so it's perfectly acceptable) and that seems to help at night. Whenever she is lying on her back it seems to be worse. Her head gets so sweaty, even when she is simply snuggling with me and leaning against me that I often used to wonder if she was running a fever in her most early days. (Of cours,e the fact that we live in FL and it's mid-90s every day lately doesn't help.) No real ideas to help, unfortuantely, but I think it's somewhat normal...

[GJM]

Finally delurking after being a reader for a long time...
My husband has a Poultry Days t-shirt that is covered with drawings of chickens and meat cleavers. While I am also an ultimate player, I seem to understand better than he does that the t-shirt is not appropriate for some settings (especially when we are hanging out with our vegetarian friends!).

I love your writing so much. Thank you for many hours of enjoyment. And congratulations on your new babies! I'm so happy for you.

[Robyn Rime]

I have a tee shirt (that I got for 50 cents at a thrift store) that has a tasteful-looking business logo on it reading "Well-Hung Drywall--Hanging and Screwing Since 1956." I love my shirt. I laugh every time I wear it. I do not, however, as you say, wear it in public.

[Genevieve]

I have a T-shirt from college that was handed out (or sold? did I pay money for this?) during National Condom Week. It shows the campus mascot of National Condom Week, Proud Pete, in various stages before, during and after donning a condom. It lives at the bottom of my cedar chest, and at some point when my son is a teenager, I (or more likely my husband) will show it to him, for a laugh. That's as far as it goes out of the cedar chest.

[Alex]

At the risk of revealing my political bent, in 2000 I bought my DH a t-shirt that read, "Lick Bush in 2000!" with appropriately political coloring, etc. to it. He has had the sense not to wear it in public. Who knew this was something for which I should be grateful?

[JB]

Long time lurker but had to delurk to say "how weird!". My parents are from Versailles, OH. Met and fell in love there in high school. Live there now. I guess the locals don't buy the t-shirts since I've yet to see one but they sound worth having them look into to send to me. But not wear to innappropriate places!

I love reading your posts. Congratulations on your beautiful family!

[PlantingOaks]

What is it with Ohio and mis-pronounced foreign names?

It brings to mind some Meg Ryan movie where she proclaims to be from 'Leema' Ohio. Not pronouncing it like that you're not dear. It's Lima, like the bean. I know I can think of more too.

Does the whole midwest have this problem, or is it just here?

[Brainy girl]

Following up on the last comment, no, it isn't just there, and it isn't just the Midwest. I was shocked when I moved to Maine and discovered that the town named "Calais" is not pronounced "Cal-ay" as anyone with a 7th grade French class under their belt would know, but "Cal-us". What the...?? I find it embarrasing actually, but, wow, there are much bigger things to be embarrassed about in our country, so... whatever.

[Dara]

does he own the aforementioned boob hat???!!!!

sweet!!

seriously, your Steve is a hoot.

and, I second the wine with lunch motion.

[Aurelia]

The boob hat might be better than a hat with a large plastic piece of shit on the brim.

Shiny shit would you believe...

Yes, I did dump the boyfriend who owned that hat. Some things are just not forgiveable.

[Jenn (dish)]

Luckily my hubby doesn't have any outright questionable tees (Threadbare? Yes.), but he does have no sense of color (and is not color blind). He has learned that I will screen his outfit before letting him leave the house, and I also have to lay out the kids clothes in advance if he will be dressing them. If I don't, they are wearing mismatched clothes that are a size too small.

Before he realized he was being screened, I always came up with a reason to see him before he left the house (items on top shelf, spider on wall, etc.).

[Jana]

Steve could be big in Japan...in a jet set society while sweating in Berlin?
this post just made cry and laugh silver tears as well.

[Pam L]

Here in the wild west natives, and long-timers, pronounce the following names thusly:

Pueblo = Pee-eblo

Tejon = Tee-John

Buena Vista = Bee-oona- Vista

Xavier + X-ay-vee-er with emphasis on the X

Zuni + Zoo-nee or Zoo- nigh as no one is really sure and sometimes they say it both ways to be safe

It is sad.

[Monica C.]

Hilarious! And so well-written. And so needing to be published in somebody's book somewhere!

This part, especially, is just brilliant:

"I have a babydoll dress from 1992 that I still love. It is made of, I dunno, crepe paper and it starts just above the aureoles and ends about 1/2 millimeter below my underpants. I wore it to play pool one summer night when I was 21 and it... it was a great night. There are occasions, generally after I have been listening to Alphaville one too many times on the ipod, that I will pull that dress from its hiding place in my closet, carefully lock the bathroom door behind me and put it on; shedding a few silver tears over the dear dead days beyond recall.

What I do not do is pair it with some heels and trip off to meet the PTA.

When I asked Steve if he was wearing that to take Patrick to the party he looked confused and said yes. When I asked if he wanted to just put on one of those trucker hats with the foam boobs on top and bring along a copy of Swank to flip through while the children play he said, "No. And yes.""

[HeatherG]

Redbook ate my comment.

My son was also very sweaty as a baby and after a year or so I mentioned it to the doctor and she said if it had always been thus not to worry. It is a concern if it is a new thing. Now he's 4 he is still sweatier than normal but the sopping pillows only happen if it's hot or he's feverish. I do use it as a clue he needs a haircut though and haven't stopped the habit of turning his pillow over after he's been asleep for an hour or so.

[llcsis]

You slay me. My (ex)husband had the same gift of effortless sartorial elegance. Your writing never, ever, fails to be fabulous.

[Diane]

My sister's husband used to drive a car that had a bumper sticker that read, "horn broke. please see finger". Then they moved back in with my parents. He got pulled over a lot in their wants-to-be-upper-class suburban neighborhood.

[The Aitch]

Ahhh, this was a great entry!

[Sally]

I live just south of Ver-sales (in a town who's name is also slang for a lady's private parts - nice) and I can tell you that while no one here says Lee-ma (it's Lima - what are we, savages?) they DO pronounce Bellefontaine as Bell Fountain, and they put the emphasis the LYLE in New Carlisle, as in "I'm going to play the GUI-tar up in New Car-LYLE this comin' Sunday". We're mighty close to Kentucky and West Virginia so just back off, people.

Great post Darlin'!

[Hetty Fauxvert]

*snort!* Ooooooh, my. Well, men. What're ya gonna do with 'em, eh? Thank you; you've just made me feel much better about my own husband's tendency to wander out in public in clothes with holes in them. BTW, did he change the shirt? Sounds like the answer is no.

[Robyn]

Alphaville. *sigh* I love Alphaville.

[Christiana]

A comment from the 2 recent REDBOOK posts:

1. They make onsies extenders for just the purpose of Edward's long-waistedness. I haven't had to find them myself, as my dear daughter has the opposite problem - too much tummy for the smaller, cheaper onesies - but I think you can find them at Babies R Us, etc.

2. It amazes me that our 2 Caroline's are so similar being of different ages, family make-ups etc. For awhile I was actually enjoying those middle of the night feeds for those moments of pure stillness. Now she skips the night feeds, so I find myself completely in love with her last feed of the night when she stills about 10-15 minutes into and essentially eats while sleeping. :-)

[June]

Re: REDBOOK:

I am also abnormally long-waisted, but it may be easier for women, assuming you don't ever for one second think you could ever wear a one-piece bathing suit, because you can't. It is also making my pregnancy remarkably stretch-mark free (so far). As long as shirts stay fashionably long, we're in business.

[Gina]

My husband doesn't have any T-shirts of "questionable" content, however, he does wear clothes until they are literally falling off of him in tatters. He was recently lamenting the demise of one of his favorite T-shirts and moaned, "I have had that shirt since eighth grade." I gently reminded him that eighth grade was on the order of two decades ago and that perhaps he might want to go through his closet and then get some new shirts. He agreed to the new shirts but not to getting rid of any old ones.

[c]

On the Redbook long-baby problem: is it worse in the clothes that are hand-me-downs from Patrick? I've noticed with my 7.5 month old boy that the clothes (from older brother) are too short despite his being about 50th percentile for weight and height. In particular, his toes are pushing through the ends of the 6-9 mo. sleepers, even though he should be well within the weight limit for these things. I have begun to suspect that my problem is my washing machine rather than my child...

[JuliaKB]

Ok, am I allowed to be jealous that you still fit into that dress?

And I am terribly glad this is first I heard of said town and said festival. I don't think my husband needs any T-shirts from there. Just saying.

[Kia]

1. You're funny. Thanks for making me giggle!

2. I agree. My hubby is always choosing the weirdest ensembles to wear "out." I don't know what he'd do without me! Actually, I do: he'd look like a bum. Certified.

[Jozet at Halushki]

I love that babydoll dress. I think I have one in purple shiny metal paper.

And your estimation of men is correct. They are adorable. But the words "full length mirror" means nothing to them. Most of them. The straight ones.

[Erica]

Let us die young or let us live forever... my daughter found my 1989 prom dress in the closet the other day and she will not REST until I let her wear it for Halloween.

[Helen]

At least he left the beer baseball hat at home, the one with the two cupholders and dual drinking straws.

Thank god for small mercies, right?

[S]

Oh man.
It doesn't ever EVER change! Mine has s an uber-smart geek guy, BUT when we first moved in together I had to stage a coup to make him throw away the worn-to-the-point-of-crotchless khaki shorts that he was still wearing...TO THE OFFICE!!
Here's a question: How'd these guys ever put together an outfit sharp enough to get us to date them in the first place?

[Crystal]

I came to comment about the Wii, but am hiding my head in shame over the clothes comments. My amour and I were as usual, opposites of the normal sane folk of this country. Growing up in LA, I was still in my angsty nothing but black phase, whereas he favors (and looks so Fitzgerald in) earth tones. Straight Eye for the Married Wife? He buys most of my clothes these days. I still make a beeline for black, even now in my angstless days.

Wii is wonderful. We were given one Christmas '06 (which means we actually received one spring '07. My son has made Miis for everyone who has so much as looked cross-eyed in our direction, plus the Mii challenges. We like Wii sports, although the classic games from the virtual console are da bomb (Super Mario! Sadly, no Tetris with Tchaikovsky, foo). Other than lusting over Wii-Fit, I'm waiting for my pre ordered Harvest Moon Wii, which was due for release late '07. Then spring '08. Then June, July, August, and now again "indeterminate". Have settled for HM Cute, which is HMDS sans glitches, and with a wardrobe (if you consider multi-colored jeans and t's a "wardrobe").

Damn Nintendo, 7 years ago we got our first console over my bleating objections, now I'm a middle-aged gamer. How sad...