Delay

Aw rats, I missed a day. You will be shocked to know that I place the blame for my inability to write anything yesterday squarely on Steve and his stupid deadline. He was hanging drywall last night until eleven and the bangbangbanging prevented me from being able to complete a coherent thought anywhere in the house. So I checked in with my fitness Mii instead - I love my Patrick's new Wii; remind me to get back to this subject - who gleefully informed me that after a solid ten days of running every other day (I am up to a mile and a half now) I have gained 1.3 pounds. It then marked this fact on my permanent Wii record and made me stamp it.

The question that I meant to get back to before I started blubbering like a wide-receiver was from Shannon who asked: "But...why is it better to put [a baby] down early? Logic would tell me that if I put the baby down at 9 pm rather than 6 pm that he will sleep 3 hours later into the morning."

Let me start by saying how much I enjoy being the lucky bastard who gets to pretend that her easy babies are the result of skilled parenting rather than sheer good fortune. The day after they were born I fed Edward, wrapped him like a buche de noel and then tossed him into the hospital bassinet where he promptly fell asleep. I goggled at him for a while and then started to fidget because surely any second he would start screaming? My previous experience with newborns was limited but unequivocal: from the moment he was born Patrick - oh my god Baby Patrick, what a nightmare - could not be put down without yelling his abnormally small head* off. He would nurse/doze/cry nurse/doze/cry in hour long cycles. This lasted for, um, a year? OK, maybe it was only six months before he would sleep for three hours at a time but it was the longest six months of my life. As early as nine days into it I turned to Steve (stop me if I've told you this before) and said, "I was happier before he was born." Steve agreed but assured me things would get better. And, sure enough, it couldn't have been more than 396 wretched, sleepless nights later that I stopped falling asleep while eating.

Where... oh right. Patrick was a terrible baby. But Edward was happy to sleep in solitary splendor right from the beginning. So I watched him sleep that first day until I started to feel at loose ends. I had brand-new twins for chrissake; shouldn't I have something else to do but read? I brightened when I realized that we could go visit Caroline in the special care nursery where she was no doubt in desperate need of me, poor little monkey. But no. If anything she slept more deeply than he did, sprawled legs akimbo like a frog in her super-heated incubator. I sat in a chair and watched them sleep while the nicu nurse told me lurid stories from her past (she eventually invited me to join her book club - I was touched.) And that is pretty much how it has been ever since. With the babies sleeping peacefully on their own, I mean, not the friendly nurse part. We have gone through stages where one or the other of them wanted to sleep on top of me, but for the most part both babies have always been pretty good about waking up, eating and falling back asleep again in their own beds. Now that I have moved dinner a little earlier ("dinner" being a couple tubs of pureed whatsit and a nice bowl of tepid grain-based sludge plus breastmilk and/or formula depending upon who it is) they don't even eat first. We do dinner, bath, pajamas, two books from Paradise Lost (I'm kidding of course; I hate Milton) and then down they go into their cribs. Edward always snatches his blanket and snuffles it before passing out; Caroline scoots across her crib to grab a pacifier, then she rolls over to whatever toy I have in there and starts to do a thorough examination with her clever little hands - pausing every so often to pull the pacifier out so she can turn it around to chew on the other side. Now that I think about it Caroline is a little like Kojak - with lots more hair and a pacifier instead of a lollipop. Uncanny.

It's a miracle on the Plains: two babies, neither of whom need to be nursed to sleep and neither of whom object when I put them down and walk away. This is not to say that I am not up all the goddamned time, I am. Between the two of them I get woken up anywhere from two to five times a night, but it's ok. It'll pass.

But back to the question, sorry. Why don't babies sleep later if you put them down later? Actually, I have no freaking idea but they don't. It is sort of like when you stay in a hotel and plan on sleeping in really late since you don't have to be anywhere specific until noon; only to discover that you are wide-awake at 6 am and the sheets are scratchy and you think you might have been cryogenically processed in the night and there is absolutely nothing you can do to go back to sleep again. Babies are like that. As far as I can tell they just come pre-programmed with a personalized wake-up time and although I have heard rumors that it is possible to gradually shift this time in a desired direction I have no personal experience with it working; hard as I have tried.

As I mentioned with my pathetic little sleep chart Patrick went to bed at 9:30 and woke up at... 5:45. I kept trying to put Caroline and Edward down at 8 despite much wailing and gnashing of the gums (a billion thanks to those who urged the early bedtime: you were right, you were right, oh you were so very very right) and they would wake up at... 5:45. Now that I put them in their cribs by 6 they wake up at... 5:45. Actually Edward does, Caroline will often eat and then go back to sleep again. A comment a few posts ago  (I am sorry I don't remember who said this) really resonated with me. The commenter talked about shifting her perspective so that she treated six like bedtime and the subsequent wake-up like a night waking, rather than thinking that six was the last nap and bedtime was at 9 or whenever. I had a bell go off when I read that although for me it had to do with their early morning habits. Since then I have been trying to treat the 5-6 am waking as a night waking and have put them back to bed again after they eat. Like I said Edward isn't buying it, but Caroline has been sleeping until seven'ish. 

In conclusion: although one might think that early bedtimes lead to anarchy lawlessness and rebellion all before dawn; the fact of the matter is that most babies do that all on their own regardless, so you might as well buy yourself a free evening and go with it. The End.

PS Speaking of a. l. and r. Patrick keeps encouraging Caroline in her waywardness while Edward tries to pretend that he doesn't know either of them

*Patrick's head circumference was in the 8th percentile when he was born. He turned out fine.

Comments

[Shannon]

With my kids, the book Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child (or something like that) was my BIBLE! The doctor stated that sleep for babies is counterintuitive, in that the more they sleep, the more they want to sleep, as opposed to keeping them up later and/or waking them earlier to sleep sounder or better. It was true and transformed my tired stressed household. All three of my kids went down at 6ish and even now my almost seven year old is in bed around 7:30. Re. the running, when I first started to run consistently, my weight jumped up and it so depressed me. I think its muscle because I suddenly lost weight after 2months of running, even though my body was defintely firmer even though it didn't show on the scale. Just keep going!

[trixygirl]

I love my Wii Fit! Except when I've gained weight...did it give you a LIST of reasons -ex: A) too much snacking... and you had to pick one. Where's choice E) Fuck you, Wii!

Ahem. My daughter's internal clock had her getting up at 5 am at that age, it was brutal. No matter what time she went to sleep. Early bedtimes were the key to everyone's sanity.

[Lisa B]

Good lord that girl is a cheerful pudding pie, isn't she?! Every picture you've posted of her she's grinning like mad. She's a cutie. Edward is doing his best to temper her cheerfulness, however ... :-)

[jana]

Sleep begets sleep has always been my motto. My first was also more demanding and it caught me a little off guard initially when I could just give the second a little kiss and a hug and plop him in bed wide awake and he took care of the rest.

Adorable picture!

[amy]

We had the opposite experience -- the first was a total piece of cake and that suckered us into thinking we could handle a second one. The second one is an insomniac, and since they share a room, it's contagious insomnia. We are at 20 months and counting of very little sleep. And considering a third. We're crazy like that.

[Serina]

Sleep begets sleep...my mum used to say that! I used to think if I skipped the twins' midday nap, they would sleep better at night. Um....no. BIG mistake because...sleep begets sleep!

[Lisa]

Buche de noel ... mmmmm ...

I should drink more often. You are always my favorite blogger and I love that you are posting [nearly] every day ... but after "bookgroup" and a few glasses of wine - ohmigod! you are so funny! The Milton comment!

Anyway, enough weird staling talk. I think it was Wiesbluth (Shannon ref'd above) that explains why an earlier bedtime begets more sleep. I has to do with cycles and such. Really, who care why - if it works for you kid (and it did for mine) it works and you thank your lucky stars, right?

Love that photo. Patrick looks giant!

[Lisa]

Ack. STALKING. That's what I meant. As if that helps. OK. Maybe 3 glasses of pinot grigio is 2 too many ...

[sunny]

My doc says sleep begets sleep. The more they sleep, the more they sleep. Earlier is better. yay. I also recommend that book the first commentor mentioned. It changed my life as well. Its cointerintuitive, but it totally worked.

[Auburn]

I wish I could try the early bedtime but I don't get home until 5:30. If I put my son to bed at six I'd barely have time to kiss him goodnight and my husband would miss seeing him awake entirely. So we'll stick to 8pm for now I guess. Maybe we'll try it on the weekend though.

[Auburn]

I wish I could try the early bedtime but I don't get home until 5:30. If I put my son to bed at six I'd barely have time to kiss him goodnight and my husband would miss seeing him awake entirely. So we'll stick to 8pm for now I guess. Maybe we'll try it on the weekend though.

[Nina]

Every time I hear the 'sleep begets sleep' thing it makes me want to weep because maybe that is true in your pleasant universe (and what a happy place that must be!) but has NEVER been the case for my weird kid.

Up to the age of three months his was his demonic schedule - sleep from 9pm until 1 am, up at 1 for a meal, kicked about and demanded attention for two hours, down for a refreshing hour long nap, up for another meal followed by two hours of misery, another hour long nap, up for another feed and so on until 7 am until I wanted to lose my mind.

Teaching him to sleep 5 hours in a row was the biggest achivement of my life. Making him sleep that blessed sequence at night time was akin to a bloody miracle. And when he started sleeping through the night it transformed my marriage and my life.

BUT it's like when he goes down for his last sleep of the day a weird clockwork mechanism gets wound up inside him and he wakes up precisely ten hours later regardless of what time he is put to sleep and if I have to wake up at 5 am and be up for the day one more time I may just run out on this whole family. So now he is in bed by nine and he gratifies us by sleeping until 7 and I am less prone to fits of anger and despair.

[Jennifer]

How is it that all your pictures of Edward and Caroline they're happily on their bellies? How do you do that? My 8 mo. old son CANNOT ABIDE the belly-position and cries pitifully until I rescue him. I swear to god, that child is never going to crawl.

[Carrie]

The author (Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Baby) is Dr. Weissbluth and he is a (near) genius. A bit over-the-top, but near genius. I do think the "wake-up time" is almost a different part of the brain for babies than the "going to sleep time", so even if you play around with going to sleep time, wake up time stays the same. 7:00 pm is as late as we go (17 months and counting..) Wakes at 6:00 am regradless of when he goes to bed.

[BA]

My rule for my son sleeping - always do the opposite of what makes sense. Babies are weird that way.

[clarabella]

Ack, does this mean my 2nd is going to be a terrible sleeper? Because my first has slept like an angel since he was born. Sleeping through the night @ 3 months, he still sleeps in until around 8 if we let him (14 months).
Also, as a fellow English person, I empathize with you on the Milton-hating. I always make sure to say I "appreciate" his contribution to literature, but that doesn't mean I have to like him. Hey, at least he'll put those babies to sleep if you read him out loud.

[JuliaKB]

I was lucky with my daughter. On top of sleeping at night, she made herself what I called "a second night"-- she went to sleep after her noon feeding, woke up at 3 to eat, and then slept again until 6. She barely slept any other time during the day, so we had a lot of long stretches of interaction, but that 6hrs in the middle of the day? I had no idea what to do with myself at first. And then I did weird things like cook dinner and clean and do laundry. Oh, and I exercised. It's been years now since I had that kind of time to devote to any of those activities. Of course, after she woke up at 6, she cried bloody murder for a couple of hours-- colic or whatever you want to call it. Wasn't a fussy baby otherwise.

(My secret, suggested by my mom, as it worked for her in her pg with my sister and for her friends who tried it, was that I did this thing for the last two months she was in utero where I ate on the schedule I wanted her to eat on when she was born. It worked [lucky again-- I would've felt really stupid/futile if it didn't]-- she had a very well defined routine right from birth. Hence the noon, 3, and 6pm feedings referred to above. Hope it works again. If I get to bring home another baby, that is.)

[ksmaybe]

I may have been the one who mentioned the perspective shift on bedtime, it certainly was a lightbulb moment for me. I've also tried to apply it to the mornings but that hasn't worked so well for me :) I'm glad it's working for at least one baby though. My son is a 5:45er. If he wakes before 5 and I treat that as a night waking we're fine. After 5 though, no luck. He will play happily in his crib though while I try to pretend I'm sleeping until 6. I guess that's something.

[moo]

Putting my son down earlier always meant he would wake UP earlier ... and putting him down later meant not only would he wake up earlier, but chances were he'd be up in the middle of the night, too.

We have a "sweet spot" of between 8 and 8:30. If he goes down around then, he'll sleep until almost 7 in the morning. Anything else and we're totally off ... he'll be up from 2-4 or he'll be awake at 5 ... there's no rhyme or reason to it.

My family has a history of being poor sleepers, so I just chalk it up to that.

Oh, and my son is almost 2 so can I have a second of silence for all the lost sleep I've gotten over the past 23 1/2 months?

[gds]

so your comment about making the babies nap every two hours has done wonders for my 6 week old -- it could be that he is just growing up and so getting easier but I swear since I've been swaddling him and putting him down for a nap every ~2 hours we've had none of the uncontrollable crying from earlier weeks -- I think he was just overtired -- thank you!

I'm also putting him down earlier at night though have one question -- it might be different since he is still young and so needs more food but if I get him down by ~7pm I am torn as to whether I should just let him sleep until he wakes up for a feeding or if I should wake him for a feeding when I am about to go to bed and see if that gets us a longer stint of sleep -- he seems to do his longest stint of sleep during that initial one and so I'm bummed if I miss it by staying up for a couple of hours after he is down. Have been playing with seeing how long he'll go depending on if I wake him up or not -- but thought you might have a suggestion seeing as your early bedtime and naps every couple of hours has completely helped us!

[Pam]

I think it's you that has changed, not the babies. You are probably less scared and much more in control than with Patrick and the babies respond to that. When I think back to the ridiculous things I did with my first, I cringe. I'm glad everything is going so well!

[babelbabe]

seriously, it's muscle. i dropped three sizes but gained 15 pounds when i was seriously running. don't stress; only start stressing when you can't fit into your clothes.

and the sleep thing has something to do with the kids being overtired when they go to bed later - i read Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child like some people read their Bible.

[Aurelia]

Ok, the secret to getting kids to sleep later in the morning, is BBQ foil.

On the windows, not the babies.

Tape the foil over the edges of the windows from February until October, and they will sleep in, because there will be no sun to wake them up.

And in case you are wondering, there is science behind this. Sunshine resets the biological clocks of humans, and so does darkness. Circadian rhythms...look it up.

And get some BBQ foil sweetie.

[Kelly]

We recently had a friend ask why we put our kids to bed "so early" (7:30) since the querant's sister puts her kid to bed around 9. We can't really fathom bedtime that late since our kids would explode if we didn't put them to bed at 7:30. We would too, since it's hours of no-kid-time for us before we sleep and that's vital to sanity. Bedtime used to be 8:30 for the oldest (almost 4yrs) but when he dropped his nap bedtime was moved back and he's been sleeping a lot better ever since.

[Cadence Daly]

"...two books from Paradise Lost..." Oh Julia, you crack me up. I, too, hate Milton.

I have nothing whatsoever to say about baby sleeping tips, as it has been several decades since my son was last a baby, and frankly, who remembers? I am, however, storing away all the good info I read on your blog so I can trot it out later this year when my first grandchild arrives.

[rosie]

ah, see my twins were like your patrick. horrible sleepers until 18 months. i think i finally got them to stop nursing in the middle of the night at about 15 months. but since then, the going to bed earlier thing fixed any sleep issues that came up. if they started waking early, we put them in earlier. if they started waking at night, we put them in earlier. always worked!

[Nicky]

I am sucking in all this information for when I get to bring home my baby. Boy will I look the expert - ha!

All this talk of bedtime is interesting. The only reference I had beforehand was of what my mother did with me, which was bedtime at 6:30 at the latest. In fact I was out of primary school before I was allowed to stay up til 9. So I've always found the idea of putting a toddler to bed at * or even 9 o'clock strange, how do they get enough sleep?

[Nicky]

BTW, please don't bristle at my last comment if you happen to put your child to bed at 9. I said I found it strange out of my previous experience, not that you were bad!

[catherine illian]

it is comforting to know that just because your first baby despises sleep, subsequent babies might even like it-- and I love what you said in your previous post about it being all worth it-- I found your blog in the midst of my infertility about 3 years ago and have been hoping for you -- and am so thrilled at the gift of your precious twins--

[jemyr]

I have a thought, maybe baby's sleep later when you put them to bed earlier b/c of an internal circadian rhythm that fools them into thinking it's winter. YOu know, summer, it stays bright later and the sun rises earlier. Winter, sun sets god early and rises really late.

Eh? Eh? Could be true!

[Loona]

My twin daughters (12m) have similar sleep temperaments to Edward and Caroline. When they were 9m, I was able to cut out the 5ish am waking by eliminating the feeding at that time (checked first with pediatrician). The first two nights my husband went in when they woke and sat with them while they cried. The third night I went in but didn't nurse. The fourth night they didn't wake up until 7.

[shannon]

Yep. Until she was nearly two, Nat slept from 6:30-7:00. Now from 7:15-6:00. Selina goes down at about 5:45 and sleeps until Nat wakes her in the morning. If I try to put Selina down later, she can't fall asleep and cries and flails in my arms until she passes out. I have to catch her sleepy time between 5:15 and 5:45.

I find that if the no cry sleep solution gets only one thing right it is that sleep begets sleep and earlier is probably better.

[Joannah Hansen]

It's all to do with the length of babies' sleep-wake cycles, according to Tizzie Hall, whose book "Save Our Sleep" is the only 'baby care' book I have bought. It's fantastic - SO sensible - and I have been recommending it to everyone I know with babies. I have been following her suggested routines since my daughter started solids at 4 months, and they work. Before that, she pretty much just ate and settled and slept in a 4 hour-ish cycle, so I didn't really need to follow Tizzie's routines then. ( Yes, I *know* I was lucky. ) My biggest struggle is personal - I'm a nightowl, and the 7am wake-up is veerrryyy difficult for me a lot of the time. ;-P

For those who are interested, this is the website : http://www.saveoursleep.com/

The post about blocking sunlight out has a point, though - with older children, sunlight seems to be the trigger to wake them. My mum looked after a neighbour's 2yo for week, and during that time, he slept in a room at our house that didn't get any morning light, and he slept until my mother woke him in the morning, unlike when he was at home when he would get up with the sun. His parents were absolutely astonished, when they heard that he was sleeping until 7am - they were used to him being raring to go from literal sunrise. His bedroom at home faced east, with large windows with only light curtains, facing that direction. To me, the conclusion seems obvious.

My 2 cents worth.

[Joannah Hansen]

It's all to do with the length of babies' sleep-wake cycles, according to Tizzie Hall, whose book "Save Our Sleep" is the only 'baby care' book I have bought. It's fantastic - SO sensible - and I have been recommending it to everyone I know with babies. I have been following her suggested routines since my daughter started solids at 4 months, and they work. Before that, she pretty much just ate and settled and slept in a 4 hour-ish cycle, so I didn't really need to follow Tizzie's routines then. ( Yes, I *know* I was lucky. ) My biggest struggle is personal - I'm a nightowl, and the 7am wake-up is veerrryyy difficult for me a lot of the time. ;-P

For those who are interested, this is the website : http://www.saveoursleep.com/

The post about blocking sunlight out has a point, though - with older children, sunlight seems to be the trigger to wake them. My mum looked after a neighbour's 2yo for week, and during that time, he slept in a room at our house that didn't get any morning light, and he slept until my mother woke him in the morning, unlike when he was at home when he would get up with the sun. His parents were absolutely astonished, when they heard that he was sleeping until 7am - they were used to him being raring to go from literal sunrise. His bedroom at home faced east, with large windows with only light curtains, facing that direction. To me, the conclusion seems obvious.

My 2 cents worth.

[Shannon]

Thanks for clarifying that for me.
I am filing this info away for when it's needed and enjoying my night owl ways until then!

[Nicole]

I have no comments about sleep.

I just love that picture though. Absolutely gorgeous and priceless.