Of Paris

Greetings from poolside.

That sounds much nicer than it actually is; "poolside" being evocative of palm trees and sunshine and drinks with umbrellas. In truth I am inside a swimming school and the humidity is 115%. I could not be any wetter if I were a mermaid. However, Patrick seems to be enjoying himself and there is certainly something to be said for ditching Steve with the babies right before bedtime.

Not to criticize the Y, the M or the CA but somehow Patrick spent three and a half years taking lessons there and he still swam like a golden retriever. Lots of splashing, lots of enthusiasm; not so much with technique.  A mere month into classes at this all swimming, all the time place and he is...

I interrupt this post to make a catty observation about the guy sitting right here. His twin boys are in the lane next to Patrick and are about three. They are quite cute and, all things considered, very well behaved. Almost every time I glance up they are attentive and where they are supposed to be. The father however is wound so tightly that he is just hovering on the bench next to me, clenched in a state of agitated readiness. At first I thought he was afraid his children might drown but I now realize that his concern orbits the correctness of their behavior. When one of the kids started to drain the water from his eyes his father shrieked, "GET THOSE GOGGLES BACK ON!" and every time one of the boys looks around he bellows "PAY ATTENTION!" which of course causes them to snap their little necks in his direction because, dude, you are the only parent in the place screaming like a maniac. Patrick was executing a twirly little vortex dance while he waited his turn to swim a minute ago but you don't see me freaking out. Besides, his teacher squashed him for it, which is one of the things she is supposed to do. But back to this guy, I know I should be supportive of my fellow parents as we all trod this long road together but I dunno. It's kind of fun to judge him for being such tool. One assumes that he is worried about eliciting rigid perfection from his children because he feels their behavior reflects poorly upon himself; and yet here he is, doing a bang-up job of assitude all by his lonesome.

Generally, I tend to judge parents more for laissez-faire neglect of their shelf climbing offspring (Madam your child is standing on my hand and my hand is reaching for bleach five feet off the ground - what's wrong with this picture?) than for hyper shrieky overparenting so this current situation is providing me with a much needed breath of fresh air (I have never been in the forests of Burma but I am quite certain they feel exactly like this pool area - remind me next time to just wear some netting.) Maybe he is not the primary (or even secondary) caregiver so he just doesn't know any better? I am a fan of rules and appropriate conduct and letting your children know that being in public carries certain responsibilities, chief among them: thou shall not irritate others; but a three year old splashing his brother once during a thirty minute swimming class? Not a big deal.

Not to digress but I feel fairly strongly that children are not inherently annoying in a public setting. As long as they keep their hands to themselves, their bottoms on the seat and their voices low I will take a kid over a drunk businessman as a dining companion any day of the week (and I waited tables for seven years; I know of what I speak.) However, the minute these conditions change you stand up, pay the bill whether you have eaten or not and you leave. For what it is worth I sympathize completely with the frustration of some people who choose not to have children. I do think society is lopsided in trying to accommodate parents. It is weird that the US gives tax breaks per child regardless of income level. If a company lets Jim leave early to coach his daughter's soccer game then they need to nod tolerantly when Bob goes home to work on his oil painting while the natural light is still good. And 88% of people with young children in Starbucks are self-centered and rude. On the other hand, simply bringing a child on an airplane is not an act of war; even if the baby proceeds to scream from Detroit to Stuttgart (changing a dirty diaper in the aisle; however, is - I know, I did it once and I blush hot at the recollection of my zombielike self-absorption.) The Golden Age of Air Travel is over.

GOOD LORD. I must be suffering from heat stroke. What the hell am I talking about now?  Oh, parents children public behavior this guy sitting next to me... kind of a stretch, but ok.

In conclusion: Patrick's ability to swim has increased tenfold since we started here; judging people is fun; parents walk a thin line between foolish indulgence and over-the-top totalitarianism; childfree Americans sometimes get a raw deal and I'm mellllllllting.

PS I wrote this last night and never posted it, so here it is.

PPS I hesitated for a long time before putting up that first picture of Caroline and Edward because, frankly, it is not a particularly flattering photograph of Caroline. But they looked so cute together, like little flying superheroes, that I decided to overlook the jowls. In fact Caroline is much daintier and flowerlike than some photos may convey. She has gorgeous eyes and long lashes and lovely chestnut hair that is beginning to curl and a nicely shaped little head - and her father's eyebrows. I, of course, think that she is stunningly beautiful.

Comments

[jen]

I melted just reading this-- the long, wet heat of Missouri has begun in earnest, so I felt your poolside pain.

That picture of Caroline is smashing-- it shows her fiestiness full force! Of course they are gorgeous!

[Mem]

Caroline is awesome! Who wants to be dainty and flowerlike?

[Lisa C]

Caroline is beautiful, as always. As is Edward. How in the world can you get anything done with those two in the house. How do you restrain yourself from picking them up and covering those delicious cheeks with kisses all day long?

[Lisame]

I live in Dallas, Texas. Today's paper tells me that today just MIGHT be the hottest day of the year! It's only 91 (read my unhappiness; I want 100+) and I want outside so bad that ALL indoor adults are annoying me.

I'm 45 years young. I was a lifeguard for five years and right now I would like to collect everyone I know's children and go to the pool! I'm childless by choice you know but I love summertime with loud raucous children. LET THEM PLAY I SAY!

Caroline and Edward? They are the perfectly beautiful children I prayed you would get. So Brag Girl Brag!

[Bre]

Caroline looks adorable in that photo! You can see what Patrick was describing to his doctor when he called her a menace. That aspect is dancing in her eyes.

[Pretty Jane]

"It's kind of fun to judge him for being such tool."

See? We don't judge randomly, wantonly, without JUST CAUSE. Only when the subject is begging for it with his...what was your word?...ASSITUDE. Word, homie.

Free the babies! Let them roam!

[Katherine]

She IS stunningly beautiful. And, if I'm not mistaken - its not jowl in the photo, but rather drool! Sweet.

[terri c]

First, THANK YOU. Having been the childless one who got to work late/take on extra responsibility without extra compensation/BE EXPECTED TO CHIP IN FOR THE WORKMATE'S BABY SHOWER AND OOOH AND AAAAH EVEN THOUGH INFERTILE FOR LIFE, I agree that sometimes accommodating parents leaves someone else sweeping up the mess. Also agree about the drunk businessman however. Also, that photo of Caroline is simply adorable jowls or no. It really shows her intelligence and personality. My prediction is that any teacher that found PATRICK a challenge doesn't even have a CLUE what is coming.

[Cris]

I tried posting this on Redbook back when you wrote your post on ... hmmm - now its hard to remember - Wii? Good Help? . Anyway, Redbook said I was logged in, let me right a passionate email about the wonderfulness of your writing, and then upon submittal said they couldn't post it because I wasn't logged in and deleted it.

Sooooo, I will try again here. Your writing style is fantastic. I love it. I still remember the lovely short story with the two apartment dwellers, the elderly building owner and the dragon in the basement. I would love to read to read your first full length book (contemporary romance, young adult, chick lit, regency - you know, whatever) so if you could find that extra little bit of time in your schedule and put it to use in satisfying that desire, I'd appreciate it greatly!

Sigh. I know - those lovely little ones will probably need to be in school first (hello? there are NO jowls on Caroline). Please take this in the non-stalkery way it is meant. But think about putting together at least an outline.

Cam's mom (unbalanced translocation baby boy - almost two now and doing unbelievably amazingly well).

[Catherine]

He is a helicopter dad. I congratulated myself during son's karate when I kept my mouth shut and let the teacher do the teaching. And then I judged all those that didn't :)

[Becky]

I have never commented here before, even though I read each of your entries. I just wanted to say how much I agree with you on what you wrote, and I don't have kids yet. I think you are a very grounded, normal person, with a great sense of humor. And your kids really are cute.

[tree town gal]

Howled with delight when I saw those photos. And it's impossible that Caroline looks anything but goregous (with brilliant menace, just along the edges & in the eye region).

[Liz]

We did the YmcA swimming lessons for a couple of years for my oldest. It was quite useless and waste of money, IMO. He didn't improve much. So we finally shell out the big bucks and did private lesson for him. He could swim after 3 lessons.

[cbrm]

You, my friend, are nowhere close to the only one who thinks she is stunningly beautiful.

[Aurelia]

That dad will learn his lesson one day when his kid tells him to fuck off in front of all the other parents and kids.

And the other kids all burst into applause and the other parents pat the kid on the back.

Trust me, I've seen it...

[Kristen]

There are Helicopter Parents & then there are the Black Hawk's...

I had a similar experience with a swimming parent. She spent the entire time yelling at her kids to Pay attention!, Turn your head to breathe!, Wait your turn!, & on & on. Only the parents were in a separate room with a glass partition. Makes sitting of the bleachers for 30 minutes even more enjoyable.

I also agree that the Y is a waste of money when it comes to swimming lessons. I'm almost done with my 2 weeks of pool servitude watching my 7yr old still doggy paddle every time he needs to breathe. You'd think the teacher might have done something about that by now, but apparently that's not as important as a rousing game of Marco Polo. Lesson learned, it's private lessons from now on.

[Sarah]

I love that picture of Caroline! I didn't notice any of the things you pointed out. I think this is one of those 'personality' pictures that are so fun to torture children with in adolecence.

[Pam L]

There are always going to be those parents who "coach" and discipline even when they are paying for someone else to do just that. I have seen the father of a maybe 7 year old SCREAM constantly to "Get the ball" for an entire season of soccer. Every...single.. game he followed the poor kid up and down the sidelines. The joke was there was only one kid on that team who scored a goal all season. he was a miniature Pele named Michael and little Mikey was not his kid, nor mine. I have also seen a kid crawling and climbing standing up all over a display of suitcases at Kohl's for a good 10 minutes while the mother was looking at God knows what about 15 feet away, so engrossed that when she occasionally glanced at her kidling, she did not even think that this might not be A) safe, or B) Appropriate store behavior. I can't wait until the swimmer's Dad has them in some copetitive sport and they don't make pitcher or quarterback, they'll be heck to pay then, for someone.

[Christiana]

You are not alone in thinking that Caroline is beautiful - she truly is. What a sweetie.

And thanks for assuring me that even in the north July is summer - I went to Babies R Us today and they had the winter clothes out!

[sozzled]

is this Foss? Have they moved east? I have been in your spot (sweating) and the lessons are great, the other parents...well, are blog fodder.
I haven't seen you lamenting the loss of Simon Delivers. I still find myself breaking randomly into tears at the thought of having to schlep my own groceries into a cart and then my car and then my home. How are you holding up??

[Shannon]

Well of course they are both adorable. But I do see a twinkle of the "menace" in her in that picture. ;o)

[Aubrey]

I can never post properly on redbook though, boy, have I tried. So here goes my little rant about plastic thing (feel free to skip to the good parts).

I have been on the anti-plastics train for awhile now. Thinking about of course their use and their dangers. Many have mentioned the heating of plastics being a prime concern and I totally agree. Most of these plastics (even if hydrogen, carbon, and oxygen, which in itself in the right formulations can be explosive) were not designed for the wear we put them through; hot car rides, dishwashers, and hot beverages included. I recommend BPA-free bottles as well as safe aluminum bottles like at sigg.com. Now as for the "natural" and organic products, there is a bit of marketing play. Organic does mean something but it is not equivalent to healthy. Some organic products, like horizon milk sold at whole foods, goes through an ultra pasteurization process that reduces many of vitamins and minerals, but also giving it that month-long shelf life. And with cosmetics products too, natural isn't always better. Some ingredients are actually safer for you and the environment when man-made (think of aspirin). And not all natural products are great for you, ever put lychess on sensitive skin? So my bandwagon is looking at the company who makes the products not just the ingredients and how the police themselves for ingredient and product safety. Because even the most organic and natural companies can still not care for the waste they cause or the sourcing of the ingredients they use. Personally, I'm a big LUSH (www.lushusa.com) fan, I say go out and find your own local cosmetic maker or make your own if you wish. In the end, good research for yourself and not hyped news stories will give you the information you need.

Of course this is all assvice but I'm all for helping out people wanting to research important things that can effect your life.

[Kerri]

Oh please, that photo of Caroline is very flattering. I have yet to see one that you've posted of either one in which they are not both stunning. I am the mom of B/G twins that are 11 months. So, I am often just getting past some of the things of which you write. Sometimes wishing I was behind you so that I can learn from what you've learned (ie sleep issues). Anyhoo, gorgeous children is where I was going with that and for the record, I am so very jealous of you gettng to use Caroline for her name. I begged for months. Nope, but my Emily is gorgeous, too.

[Megan]

See my trouble with these lovely long posts is I start thinking to comment on one thing and as I go along... so...

Swimming lessons are... and good to know it's not just soccer parents who... Caroline simply gorgeous as is Edward!

Phew.

[Tamsen]

Funny - Tertia just did a post on "children should be seen and heard". Great minds think alike. :)

Caroline is obviously goregous... and a menace through and through. Dainty is just her cover.

[amy]

If you hadn't said that the dad had twin boys and that you were at a pool,and if I didn't know for certain that I live in a different state, I'd have thought FOR SURE you were describing my husband. {sigh.} I've tried to get him to mellow out, but the only way to keep him from acting like a tool (your word, not mine, but I'm not necessarily disagreeing) in situations like you describe is to just take my daughter to these events myself. Ugh.

[Allison]

As a former swim instructor for the YMCA, I would completely agree that 90% of the instructors are esentially useless. You get ZERO training to be a swim instructor, and most YMCAs are completely disfunctional and offer no organizational support.

On the same note, my students always did superbly!:)

[juicebox]

In a few years that dad will be the next terror-dad on the soccer field, yelling instructions to his 5 year olds. They'll be confused and unsure of who to listen to, him, their instincts, or the coach. If it really gets bad, they will learn it's not that fun to go to soccer or swimteam or whatever activity if he's there. Hope he is able to see himself and change a bit before the kids get much older. I love your blog btw.

[Crystal]

Oh my...

I wish I could change fonts here and make this teeny tiny and say judging people is fun?

I'm reminded of the times when you've had people fly at you claws bared and... not been so receptive. I really hate to (mis)quote bible verses at you, especially when (I hope) you're in jest, but given the influence you wield, something something judge not lest ye be something something?

BTW, I'm totally seeing gamine Audrey meets warrior Xena.

It is a beautiful combination in a woman-child, no? If you've posted anything less than heart-stoppingly loverly pix of the twins, I must have missed them. The only thing that stops me from springing into tears of hot jealousy at the sight of your beautiful little ones is the impending (well, perhaps impending is a bit much with 7 months to go) arrival of my first Grandbaby early next year.

And the hope of little girl foster kids for whom we've made a ballerina princess room.... which I suddenly realized you're blog must have been why I was so fixated on a specific shade of lavenpurple... Interesting how the brain works. I set on bluey purple so as to not push the girly girl envelope too far, and my subconscious took it from there.

I guess I owe you thanks then for the inspiration.

[JuliaKB]

I have to say that in all the years I spent beyond the glass at the gymnastics place my daughter goes to, I have never seen a parent like this. I think he'd be stabbed to death with glares of "shut the fuck up."

Caroline? Gorgeous. And so feisty. Love it.

[Heather]

The babies are adorable! And I do remember the Wonder Twins. And I have seen the opposite ends of the spectrum with parents. Most people out there are really annoying. But not us of course!

[Lawmommy]

Yes, but WHERE is one SUPPOSED to change a dirty diaper on an airplane if not the aisle when so many planes don't have a diaper changing table in the bathroom? I mean, SERIOUSLY? Where?

And now I am paranoid that you were on my flight from Detroit to Stuttgart when my son cried a lot, 8 years ago, but he would have cried a lot more if I hadn't at least convinced him to nurse part of the time...(oh, actually, now that I think about it, you probably mean Detroit to Stuttgart, Germany, and not Stuttgart, Arkansas, which I guess was actually a flight that landed in Little Rock...so, never mind.)

[Brighton]

I'm in Houston aka Satan's Crotch.

Melting in the humidity is standard here.

[Nicole]

Hi Julia - I'm in Minnesota as well and just had twin boys in December. I have been reading your blog for a couple of years and love it!
"And 88% of people with young children in Starbucks are self-centered and rude." I love this line - random and completely statistically accurate!
Beautiful children - all three.

[Crystal]

I'll offer a suggestion, then an anecdote in response to the latest REDBOOK query.

We are two adults who are of the former squirrel variety. Or as I tend to put it, I'm the person hiding behind the potted palm hoping you don't see me. Think Ally Sheedy in Breakfast Club, only *really* anti-social.

Which is to say we're not unfamiliar with feeling awkward around strangers.

We had a pretty laissez faire attitude with John over it all, and it worked well for him. He switched between belle of the ball and the ugly duckling (socially speaking) so quickly it was hard to know what to do. He's always been a kid who does things in fits and starts, maturing, growing, gaining weight, gaining skills, so we took his lead.

He eventually evened out, socially at least, and it's worked well for him. Michael being autistic, we have to take a more direct approach of pulling him out of his own discomfort just enough that he can not make others feel bad. He gets it. Eventually.

Key in all our kids seemed to be finding out the root of the behavior in the first place, validating their feelings, and offering a better alternative, then reminding them to use it. This is a continuous process of "oops, look at this consequence, how about next time try..." until you find something that sticks.

As for the anecdote, two actually. I was warned by other mothers of "irish" twins, that people are almost more insane about them than genuine twins. I guffawed. Why? Clearly they're a year a part, so what?

That's apparently only clear to people with children of the same age, or teachers, or pediatricians. The rest of the world first spends an entire elevator ride/stroll in the park/shopping expedition following them around, trying to figure it out. When they finally get the gumption to ask if they're twins, and hear they are a year apart, they're sometimes stymied again, occasionally thinking you need a few pointers on the finer strokes (ha!) of birth control. Or the same old "I couldn't!" or "better you than me!".

*sigh*

As for public censure, when I was all of 32, we were a therapeutic foster family. This meant we were the last stop before institutional care. Along with my 5 year old blondie John, we had a 17 year old foster daughter, equally blond, and very... developed (read, looked more like my sister), and 3, 2 and 1 year old biracial siblings. Who because their birth parents were involved with the system over a period of time, received WIC.

I'll leave to your imagination what it was like taking them to the grocery store. My husband finally refused to take on that particular duty anymore, lest some ignoramus make one more insulting comment and he be invited to cool his heels in a striped suit behind some cool iron bars.

There is an extra-measure of Mama/Papa bear that comes when the judgment is directed at your beloved charges... The injustice of it all I suppose, or the fact that you put up with all the stress from a very thankless role because the kids are worth it, and damn if you're going to let some jerk upset the kids.

Oh my... being licensed again is stirring up memories I guess. :)

[Erica]

Dude, I would go nuts if I were sitting near that guy! Good thing you had your laptop handy. I would have resorted to making little judgemental noises, then maybe having a passive-aggressive pretend phone conversation about people like him.

[victoria]

(1) Why is this post titled "Of Paris"?
(2) Also, where did you learn to write? I imagine you went to a small, high quality, liberal arts college where you studied English literature and minored in Latin or Greek. Did I get it right?

[victoria]

Oh, I get it: "JUDGMENT of Paris."

[Kristen]

I've never been able to post a comment on Redbook so here's my thoughts on the rude questions/kid's manners post.

I have 2 blond haired, blue eyed sons & a daughter of Asian decent. We often get comments about "where did we get her?', "how long have we had her?" "you must have really wanted a girl" & my favorites, "how much did she cost?" & "is she yours?"

My stock answer is "why do you ask?" That will either bring out the reason for the question, ie, my cousin is adopting from somewhere, or it will shut them up. I don't mind talking about adoption so much when I'm out alone with my daughter, as she's only 1 & doesn't understand what they're asking, but when I'm with all 3 kids, it's different. My daughter will be 'different' her whole life & I resent people ALWAYS pointing that fact out. It's not that uncommon, there's not a special place in heaven for us, she's not been rescued from a fate worse than death, & it would be nice for us to be able to get through a store without the ensuing circus. I'm proud of my daughter's heritage, but I'm not likely to share her story with complete strangers.

One of my sons is quite shy. He also has the most gorgeous, curly hair. He hates it when people comment on it. Our rule is he should say 'thank you' when people say something about his hair & that's it. He was fine once we came up with a stock response.

So that's my long winded way of saying I can commiserate with you & maybe work with Patrick on a few stock answers he can give without being rude but also without having to go too far outside his comfort zone.

[Gillian]

I am commenting here to say that I am having trouble with Redbook login as well. I attempt to log in and it chomps the screen and then returns to it unaltered with a log in request, no information about what the problem is and no screen to request I be e-mailed my password or whatever is wrong. I would doubtless feel worse had I also written a long, eloquent comment the was chomped. I do want to let you know because Redbook should be aware that your comments are not accessible to some of us.

[Pam L]

I must concur on the nosey questions to Patrick by strangers,since I too cannot post a comment on Redbook of late.
My sister and I both had blond hair and often wore matching dresses when we were little. We are not twins, we are 18 months apart, but I'm taller , though younger,and my Mom sewed all of our dresses and bought many yards of the same fabric and we didn't mind. Many people stopped and commented that we looked like twins, or were we twins? or asked how old we were. My oldest sister is more petite and had dark brown hair so maybe there was speculation there, I don't know. I don't remember any rude questions, and most comments were complimentary. My Mom fielded most of them while we study demurely, or more accurately, shyly, by. For Patrick I would not force him to answer a barrage of questions knowing how he feels but as suggested above, one or two stock answers to be polite and then he's done is what I would shoot for. I suppose you might have to remind him this will probably happen each time before you enter a place. I'm sure the scowling will disappear when he's a little older.

[terri c]

God, I am back again. I do not think the rainforests in Burma smell like chlorine but otherwise I suspect that the analogy is particularly apt. As to commenting on kids I dunno if what I do is any LESS annoying--but if I must comment I don't address the kid directly, I address the accompanying grownup and say something generic like "What a terrific kid!!" Or, with twins, "Are they twins?" and if yes, "How cool!!" and if no, "What terrific kids!" because they are. I guess I feel creepy about addressing a comment to the kid, kids aren't supposed to talk to strangers, but I figure any weary mom/dad/grandparent can use some positive comments about their children. I can't IMAGINE asking someone "Is she yours??" about a child. Sheesh.

[Kristin]

Caroline is absolutely perfect the way she is. And, I love the word Assitude. Its such a perfect way of describing that behavior.

[Vanessa]

First, the babies are adorable as ever!

Second, those types of parents are EVERYWHERE. My daughter is taking fencing lessons right now and there's a dad just like that, although he does do his sideline coaching with loud whispers and gestures rather than yelling. Sometimes I wonder whether the other parents and I could overpower him (he's very large) and tie his arms to his sides with one of those canvas fencing jackets.

[Jennifer]

I can't remember what type of plane it was but I've been on at least one flight (Chicago-Denver) without a changing table in the airplane. So floor it was. After loudly asking a flight attendent if there was a changing table anywhere on the airplane.

[Christiana]

I hear you about the little girl clothes over at REDBOOK. OMG - these totally adorable outfits (plenty of them completely impractical). My husband is going to kill me for buying so many clothes for Caroline. :-) Do you have nice consignment shops near you? I made a killing at my local one recently.