Status of Gibraltar

If we were having this conversation in person you would find that I have a very hard time sticking to the point. One thing reminds me of another thing and even though I will waggle my thumbs at weird angles to mark the place - saying "Oh oh oh I want to get back to that" - the chances are very good that a discussion starting with "De vous, chez vous, sans vous" and leaping naturally to the Treaty of Utrecht will wind up on the subject of cats, their care and feeding, without ever returning to the reason I brought up proverbial sayings in the first place.  Steve finds this habit of mine very trying and frequently says, "Focus! Julia!" in an attempt to avoid the verbal maelstrom and figure out where, exactly, he needs to drive Patrick for swimming lessons before I wander too far off the subject and start telling him about the pony I rode the one time I went to horse-riding camp.

So although I frequently have responses to various comments here I rarely manage to get back to them before my attention gets distracted by something shiny and then enough time goes by that it no longer seems worth it - even if I could remember whatever it was in the first place. However, in my effort to set a goal and stick to it (the goal being to write here every day for a week) I find that I am sharp like a cheese and as dedicated as a drive. 

Thus:

To Lisa V, I nod and repeat, carefully, "water heater". A hot-water heater, she informs us, is redundant and silly. But, to mitigate my crime I would like to add: "You've painted up your lips and rolled and curled your tinted hair - Ruby are you contemplating going out somewhere?"  I sing this all. the. time. I think it got stuck in my head shortly after Steve's knee surgery when I found myself perseverating on the line "it's hard to love a man whose legs are bent and paralyzed." See how funny I am?

Speaking of how funny I am -

Anonymous asks if it is my intention to portray Steve as an asshole. I really like how this was phrased because it took me right back to my English major days. Depending upon the program an English major might be a writer; but at my college we were all literary criticism, all the time. Serious students of textual analysis understand that the whole point of reading anything is to suck the life from it, but they also know that you can ascribe to a few different schools of thought in order to do so. The formalists, for example, believe (or did back when I was a slip of a girl) that nothing outside the material can be considered. The answers to questions like what was the last puzzle that Frank Churchill gave to Miss Fairfax* were not only irrelevant, they were deemed frivolous. Bastards. But no matter. My point is that I like a question that understands that authorial intent and what winds up on your plate might not be from the same barrel. Or even a pickle.

So, is it my intention to... hold on how was this phrased exactly... oh, I was right, "portray Steve as an asshole"? Good lord no. Of course not. For starters Steve is terrific. I love him with a fervor that often threatens to unseat my reason. If anything I am embarrassed by how foolish I am about him. More than once I have come to a start from a daydream and found that I have written Steve + Julia with a heart around it. Why just this morning I woke up at 10:45 (TEN! FORTY! FIVE!) after a refreshing three hours of unbroken sleep to find that Steve had gotten up with Caroline and Edward, fed them, played with them, fed Patrick, put Caroline and Edward down for a nap, gotten them back up again, oh, and moved an exterior door all while I drooled peacefully in bed. And when I did finally stumble out of bed he made me tea. What's not to love? Also, why on earth would I want you good people to think that I was married to an asshole? How shaming for me. I do not mean to give that impression at all.

But - as I learned in college - beer, baby aspirin and a raw potato are not a balanced breakfast. Also, what a person means to convey and what can be interpreted are not necessarily the same thing. I have no doubt Shakespeare meant every one of his sly homoerotic thrusts (ha!) but did he intend to bury enough material to supply an essay entitled Castration Fears and Matriarchal Power in Macbeth with adequate citations? Probably not but hell that's 8 to 10 double-spaced pages right there, easy.        

In conclusion if it has been possible to read my descriptions of my husband as derogatory then I am truly sorry. I just thought that last story was funny: two differently compulsive personalities intersecting in a bathroom discussing a painted rock... hmmm. Yeah. I don't know. I still think it's funny.

*Jane Austen wrote in a letter that the puzzle spelled "Pardon". Which, ok, but it has always seemed to me that Frank Churchill behaved like a complete cad from beginning to end. Pianoforte notwithstanding.

Comments

[MindyMax]

The funny thing about comments is: it's all the readers perspective that shades their interpretation of what you've written. So it's anonymous' interpreting your written words that color her impression of Steve being an asshole and your writing as portraying him that way. Which anyone who's read your blog for years (as I have) knows is the furthest thing from the truth. You went through some pretty heroic efforts to give the man three biological children - that alone is a testimony to how much you adore him. I've never read anything you've written about Steve that didn't make me laugh, didn't make me 'feel' how much you love him and didn't make me look at my own sweet husband much the same way you write about Steve - lovingly but with an edge. But that's how I perceive it - probably 'cuz that's how I feel about my wonderful hubby a lot of the time. I'm crazy about him....and sometimes he makes me nuts! And that's just part of marriage.

And can I just say that this week of daily Julia posts has been so fun!!?? I know it's a trend you will be hard pressed to keep up (what with the babies and Patrick and life) but wow, it's been great! Thanks!

[Lisa V]

My uncle has always drilled me on the water heater thing. It stuck. I wish he'd taught me algebra instead.

"The shadow on the wall tells me the sun is going down."

My favorite line- "And the wants and the needs of a woman your age, Ruby I realize."

Sad, but three of my kids can sing it acapella. The six year old just needs to grow some teeth and lose the lisp til we brain wash him.

And for the record, I've never thought you protrayed Steve as anyone but the man you love, warts and all.

PS I think I love you for even knowing the song.

[Pam L]

I read Anonymous' comment earlier but had no time to respond with MY comment on "her?" comment( since the commenter was, obviously, anonymous)
However, I was thinking about it, how there are those people who will flit and skim around in cyber-blog space and land just long enough to leave such a comment and flit off again, mostly missing the point(s) of the entry entirely, but happy they could drop such a guilt bomb on you. My thoughts were thus: You write about Patrick, factually and humorously and get told you are "bragging", you post pictures of the monster kitchen reno you were begged to post,and you are told, again, you are bragging about being "rich", you tell a funny story about the two sides of your dear one, ending with a rock in the bathroom and are told you are being unfair and derogatory towards him.

Why would you then, think you could post all niceties in regards to him, and not believe you are again bragging , or sugarcoating your wonderful life.
My point is, there are some who will never GET the point, and never be happy here, and maybe should write their own blogs and keep their pointless opinions to themselves. JMHO

[Heidi]

Pam L is a wise commenter, indeed! Very well phrased.

It's so lovely to open thing up and find so many new posts. I've enjoyed reading your blog very much.

[Pork With Bones]

Pam L speaks well.

(And I, it seems, speak in rhyme. I notice this because Acorn has just latched on to the concept.)

For the record, I thought it was a funny story about the ways two people can have different points of view, even when they love each other immensely — as you and Steve obviously do.

(See? I did it again. Without meaning to.)

[JuliaKB]

I am, frankly, hurt. Anonymous gets all the love, and you won't tell me how you and Steve get into my bathroom, discuss the contents of its counters, and slip away unnoticed. Not to mention that my kitchen, on this side of the magic shared bathroom, remains un-remodeled. Oh, well...

Seriously, though? I am so sad for anonymous. Life must just be a bitch when one's basic reading comprehension skills are so poor.

[bethany actually]

I thought the last post about Steve's quirks was hilarious and read it out loud to my husband. Nowhere did it make me think that Steve was an asshole, or that you were intending to portray him as such.

I am glad you are posting more often lately. :-)

[ash pdx]

Thanks for writing so much lately, it is always a pleasure. Your children are so adorable and I am very happy for you! I have been reading since you were pregnant with Patrick on that diaries blog (and I was pregnant with my little girl). 6 years! Anyway, I'm glad you manage to keep a sense of humor about comments. I appreciate that you tell more than just the perfect parts of life. Obviously Steve is wonderful and you adore him. I have never read that as an "asshole" portrayal of your husband but more as amusing observations of the normal frustrations that happen in life.

[Losh]

I have to say I’ve always thought exactly the opposite to anonymous and think you make Steve sound like a great husband. He does DIY and looks after babies? Does it get any better? I don’t read into any of your posts; they’re just little snippets of your life, which I thank you for sharing as I love hearing about your family & seeing pictures of your gorgeous kids. I’ve also really enjoyed this week of posting, so thank you Julia – long may you continue! Best wishes, Losh.

[Toni]

Not often do I get to read a blog post where I actually have to reread it to make sure I understood all the literary references. I was a Business Computer Science major - there were no required classes on literature. Unless you counted the one where we read the book on how to code C++. See - I'm a geek.

But boy was this post enjoyable. I learned something, I had to look something up AND I can take it with during the day. Bravo!

[Megan]

Snort. Vast majority got it on the first read - probably because the vast majority share (or have shared) space with a Stevish person of one persuasion or another. Perhaps anonymous lives alone in a beautifully pristine environment where the only thing cluttering the counter is a single black tulip in an absolutely simple crystal vase? Because me? I had to ask my delightful (and well loved) Male Child EIGHT TIMES to remove all of its belongings from the living room - and yes I do believe it thinks that sun screen naturally belongs three feet in front of the door. [note, I would like to go all righteous and declare this is obv a male issue however at exactly the same time I had to ask both Female Children to collect their shoes/papers/books from the same room. Way to let down the side Female Children]

[amy]

I guess anon's comment confused me because I have also read here for years, and I can remember posts wherein Steve is described as getting up with Patrick, making pancake letters for breakfast, and getting the whole day started (including the making of tea) while Julia slept a little later. That endeared him to me so much, Julia could actually call him an ass hole in a post and I think I'd be aghast. At least momentarily.

[Sheila]

I am actually sort of glad anon commented, because this last post was, not to gush or anything, brilliance.

In my own mind, I'm kinda smartish and stuff, but when I read a post like this one (not to mention the great responses from your erudite readers), I find myself in awe. How you do it with with three kids and rocks in your bathroom is beyond me.

[Eliza]

"Pianoforte notwithstanding" HAHAHAHAAAA!!! Now I'm going to be perseverating on THAT all day...all inappropriate giggling aside, I feel your pain on this one. I portray MY husband as an asshole on MY blog ALL THE TIME, and I do in fact lose a lot of respect from my readers I think as a result. But if the foo shits wear it, y'know? The good outweighs the bad, which is harder to see on MY blog I think than on yours, and I thought the painted rock thing was hilarious and went about my merry way.

MY question is: what is the provenance of said painted rock???

[Amber]

I love love love all these new posts! and since I had to read this one 6 times before I got it all, it was even more amazing. thanks julia!

[Krissy]

I love this blog. I love your family.

That is all.

[stephanie]

I find your stories about your husband very entertaining and fun. Which of us has not given the hubby a good ribbing from time to time. Isn't that one of the many purposes of husbands...to provide us with funny stories for our friends? Keep them coming.

I found your blog a couple of days ago and have really enjoyed it. Hope you don't mind but I have added you to my google reader list.

Your fellow MN,
Stephanie

[Crystal]

Funny, I always felt the whole pianoforte incident was kind of the feather in the grand cap of ass-hattishness.

Wow, that didn't work, but making sense is beyond my capabilities.

It really was the iron fist enrobed in the kid glove I felt.

[Samantha]

I completely agree with you about Frank Churchill. When I first read Emma, I remember thinking, are they really going to work out? Yes, I know they cease to exist once the book ends, but what fun is that?

Since you undoubtedly know more about Brit lit than I, maybe you can explain the deal with Henry Crawford to me. Austen seems to spend a lot of time rehabilitating him, only to have him go off with Maria.

[Franay]

I would just like to say that any married woman who doesn't occasionally express amusement, irritation or frustration at her mate has something fundamentally wrong with her brain.

To quote Chris Rock: "If you've never contemplated murder, you've never been in love."

Shall we assume that Anon isn't married? Perhaps owning a herd of cats and surfing the net daily in her housecoat? It seems likely.

[Heather]

I think there's also the situation of the reader clouding what the writer meant by interpreting their own personal experiences into what they are reading. I totally got what you were trying to say about Steve and didn't think you thought he was a jerk. My DH is the same way. His home improvement projects are never exactly the ones I want at the moment, his tools throw up all over the house, and he stresses about them until the moment he's done. He's also habitually late for every appointment ever, but I digress. I also absolutely unequovocally love, adore and esteem my husband. I actually find his bad traits to be endearing as well as annoying.

[Mara]

I always found both Frank Churchill *and* Emma completely insufferable. I could never figure out why Mr. Knightley falls for Emma, or why everybody seemed so quick to forgive Frank his deceptions.

P.S. Steve sounds awesome. Anon either has issues, or else hasn't been reading your blog for very long.

[Lisame]

I.
Love.
You.

(I've been reading since you were preggers with Patrick. I prayed for you to have babies. I even cried everytime you miscarried. I may sound like a stalker but feel I'm qualified to say I know you love your hubby.)

[Aurelia]

Great post....on behalf of those of us who are married to interesting men who we love like crazy yet make us want to rip our hair out.

He feels the same way about me btw, since I am one of those fabled messy women who is always trying to get things straight but never quite manages.

Oh, and based on this description of yourself and how you converse---I love you, and we would be BFF if we ever spoke in person.

Truly.

[Genevieve]

You often post about terrific things Steve does too, so there certainly does not appear to be any authorial intent to portray him as a cad (unlike Frank Churchill -- poor Jane Fairfax, is she going to go through life with him constantly making her uncomfortable one way or another? I fear it will be so.)

And my husband would totally do the same thing that Steve did about not noticing the things until pointed out. We are both guilty of letting clutter become part of the furniture, but I notice it and it nags guiltily at the corners of my mind, whereas I think he does not notice it until it is specifically called to his attention. Other than one area he has mentioned but would like me to take care of, and I haven't yet (it's very daunting). Which makes me guilty of the same thing he is sometimes guilty of. Just normal life. I love him beyond all reason (and yet not, because it is reasonable to love him so) and he is an incredibly great father (with some flaws, naturally, as I have in my mothering), and yet I can kvetch with reason too.

The Henry Crawford issue that Samantha raised above is most interesting. I cannot remember whether I've read anything in various Jane bios / letters that said whether she contemplated having Henry reform and marry Fanny - I think not, though, as Edmund is her hero (she said that it was a story about ordination) and Henry's action was necessary, plotwise, to keep Fanny for Edmund, and to separate Fanny from Mary. But it is difficult, as he seems more interesting and appealing than Edmund once he stops deliberately toying with Fanny's affections. Is the idea that a man who stooped so low at first can never be worthy of someone like Fanny? If he'd succeeded in getting Fanny to marry him, would he inevitably have strayed afterwards?

[Kirsten]

I knew there was a reason I like you! You're an Austen fan!!!

[Erin]

Hot water heater - how about - Soft Water Softener??? That's what my asshole husband says and it drives me batty! I've tried to explain that if the water was already soft, we would not need the damn softener - arghhh!

That and "front room" (sounds more like frunch room though) for living room (What happens if its not in the front?), and eaves troughs for gutters, there are many more, but not enough time.

Thanks for keeping my brain from turning to mush!

[Nicky]

Every day for a week! Wooo!!!!

I love it when you do citations and stuff and prove how much smarter than us you are. Although I read your essay title as 'Castration Fears and Matriarchal Power in Macbeth with adequate clitoris' and got a bit confused. Guess that's my interpretation shading your words right there ;-p

[Alex]

Good heavens; I missed your last post 'til just now (not being accustomed to this wild goodness that is a Julia post every single day -- wow!!), but when I did read it, each and every word make it obvious that you love Steve and, yes, beyond all reason. How very funny that anyone could not have seen that.

[Michelle]

What I wouldn't give to have a guy who could do more than change a lightbulb. Seriously. But, at least when I hire people, I can bark orders without any sass from them. I do like that part. Maybe I need to rethink that first statement.

You kill me. So. Damn. Funny. (and cute baby pictures too...)

[Monica C.]

Steve? An asshole?

Are you kidding?

I'm trying to read up on my plumbing manual so I can randomly meet Steve at a bar, talk demolition and plumbing and what-not and fall madly in love, so *I* can have Steve all for myself.

*Sorry, Julia.*

Methinks that "Anon" is a youngster who can't read between the lines of your brilliant humor, Julia. But the rest of us - we definitely know that Steve is definitely Not.An.Asshole. :)

[Libby]

Steve an asshole? Are you kidding me? As another lurker who has been reading you since the days you where PG with Patrick, over at the cheesy parenting site, I feel qualified to say that you have always portrayed Steve as a fantastic man. And the fact that you love him madly it's undeniable. The issue is that you don't sugarcoat things because, say what you will, as much as we love our partner's they all do things that drive us crazy. That is called a healthy marriage. See also: real life.

Also, perhaps you don't know this but he is a dead ringer for Pierce Brosnan. He fixes stuff and gets up with the kids. And he brings her tea to bed. Come on now.

Love the daily posting Jules.

[Sarah]

I have always understood that you are two strong willed people who found each other and do a lovely job of co-existing and collaborating.

[Laura]

Damn. This post is like David Foster Wallace on a happy drunken road trip with Anne Lamott. And I mean that in the most complimentary fashion.... Go, Julia.

[Dawn]

I totally understood, for what it's worth. There's something in the tone that comes across as 'oh, I love this man to death...and wow he is crazy quirky and irritating sometimes,' not 'oh look what a jerk my husband is.' And I have definitely read (probably only once, as I can't stand it) those who sound like the latter.

I, like others, laugh hysterically at so much of what you write about Steve. Marriage is a wonderful and crazy ride!

[Betsy]

Okay, seriously, it has never occurred to me for a minute that you don't love Steve. That you adore him shines through in what you write and it has always seemed to me that you guys have this great relationship of mutual teasing and good teamwork. I'm kind of surprised that anyone would read "asshole" into your words. Huh. Who knew.

[Andrea]

Yes, Frank Churchill was an absolute ass. It probably speaks to my current state of fatigue that I think this is the weight and thrust of your entire blog post, but really, it IS. Because he WAS. And how can we reasonably debate the possibility of an alternative explanation?

[Andrea]

Oh, and I must add that even though I stop by here infrequently at best, it never so much as crossed my mind that you are not dizzyingly in love with Steve. Who could NOT love a man who builds the cats their own private cat box? It just does not compute.

"Probably not but hell that's 8 to 10 double-spaced pages right there, easy."

Oh, that's funny, I laughed. You make me smile.

[Denise]

I think I read some other critic that said that the puzzle said "BLUNDER." But I suppose Austen would know better than Bloom or whoever it was.

I agree that Frank was an ass. For some reason, Jane Fairfax is one of my favorite characters in literature. I have this theory that Jane Austen named two of her retiring, sweet, beautiful, well-married characters "Jane" as a kind of in-joke on herself, and I so wanted "Jane" to be our girl's name, but we had two boys instead. We briefly considered naming the second "Jane" because if the guy on Firefly could be Jane, why not our boy? Luckily we decided against.