Kately

When I was twenty I fell hopelessly in love with a guy named Julian. He was funny. He was smart. He was gorgeous and random and artistic and athletic and perfect. I had always kept the corner of my eye on him as he floated around campus, playing rugby and walking on water, and then one day he was standing in front of me - in the pouring rain, no less; hands jammed into his pockets - asking if, maybe, I might want to do something some time? I felt like the match when it hits the gunpowder. Boom. We were together for about a year and when I look back on that time it plays like a montage clip of every romantic movie ever made. Julian outside my window at two in the morning with dozens of stolen daffodils in a Tasters Choice vase. A train ride to DC and a perfect summer's day. Making a $3 dinner, splitting the last beer, staying up all night reading trashy books in companionable silence... I felt easy with him. I really loved him.

So the day he left for the Peace Corps was a hard one. I had driven him up to New York and when I returned to our apartment in Baltimore I didn't even make it out of the living room. I lay down on the floor and cried like I would never stop. My friend Kate called. Was I OK; did I want her to come over?

"No, I'm fine," I lied through swollen eyes and a running nose. "Don't come over."

I hung up, rolled onto my other side and started crying again.   

I contemplated ignoring the doorbell when it rang an hour later. Unless it was Death (hey, I didn't even eat the mousse!) I wasn't interested. The buzzer kept going so I unstuck my face from the floor and shuffled out of my apartment. At the front door stood Kate holding a box of chocolate-covered cookies in one hand and a 1.5 liter bottle of wine in the other. And I have never been so happy to see anyone in my life. I almost knocked her down in my effort to fling myself wetly into her arms.

Years from now my great-grandchildren will beg, "Oh PLEASE don't tell us the story about Kate and the cookies again. We got it. Women are empathetic and wonderful and when you are feeling low and vulnerable they will always find a way to boost your spirits."

And I'll say, "I will not only tell you the story about Kate but I will also tell you about a time during the Great Recession when I lost my first writing job and I was sad but the internet showed up and got me drunk on margaritas. Then they all came back the next day with a gallon of Coca-Cola and an Egg McMuffin. Now sit down before I rewrite my will and leave the collection of Agatha Christie paperbacks to a home for cats."

I am grateful and embarrassed and touched beyond words by your sympathy. I went from feeling this big to feeling this big and... you know that might not be a good thing - Steve always says there is plenty of me as it is - but holy cats I know what it feels like to be a pancake. For two days I have been swimming in warm syrup and butter. So thank you very much for the kindness.

These days, my mother says. These days people are angry. These days people are confused and uncertain. These days people are worried about money. We are, I know. I don't even open the monthly securities envelopes anymore, too disheartening. Huh. "Securities." I never noticed how wildly inappropriate that is. But, anyway, at least we're all in it together. Me, you, REDBOOK. I know my sweet editors never in a million years wanted to hurt my feelings and I've had my cry so... onward. Upward. You guys really think I should write a book? I'm flattered and well, maybe. OK. Oh and I TRIED to sell blogads. Last Fall. I signed up and waited expectantly as my modest-but-respectable traffic showed up in their rolls. And waited. Annnnnd waited. No one wanted me. After years of resisting the urge to prostitute my muse it was really humiliating to finally squeeze into some spandex; only to go home alone night after night. Julie said perhaps my delicate art cannot bear the harsh scrutiny of unfeeling commerce but I dunno... I felt like a tool. Still, I might try again. Can't hurt, especially now that I have already confessed how embarrassed I was the first time. So, if you notice a sad little Advertise Here link wearing a pair of heels and too much lipstick just avert your gaze.

Highlights. Hidden Pictures. Two.

In this picture can you find a hole punched into a wall? How about a painting that an art teacher might call "too dark" for stained glass? You know, I crack myself up. I really do.

In this picture can you find something a little... odd about the way a child's father has completed a change of clothing?

Enjoy your weekend. And thanks again. Really.

PS I looked over my old blogads blurb and realized it sucks. A lot. I have a friend who is struggling with the bio part of her book proposal, largely because her self-effacing Midwestern modesty prohibits her from writing about herself in glowing third person. I suggested she should have someone else write it for her. And although modesty is not usually one of my major failings I certainly could use some help with the suck. So if you want to take a stab at summarizing my blog in a pithy, commercially attractive fashion so I can steal your idea wholesale I'd be grateful.

Comments

[Helen]

Glad you're feeling better..now chop, chop, hurry up and write some more...
I just laughed so much I choked on my wine..did he actually register that there might just be something wrong?

[emilyinpdx]

haha.. men.

[Michelle]

I thought my husband was the only one who struggled with onesies.

(Also? A book! A book! Pleasepleaseplease!)

[victoria]

that was kind of like a scroll down fug - looks okay, looks okay - OH!!

[Sarah]

I love the stained glass -- not too dark at all (unless this is the "lighter" one the teacher requested). Anyway, it is beautiful.

And the onsie over pants thing might be a dad thing. Single dad Matt does it with his daughter too (beware, if you weren't reading him before that you just might sob every now and then when you do). http://www.mattlogelin.com/

[Moose]

If you write a book, I will buy it. I will even buy it in HARDCOVER. I never buy things in hardcover, preferring to sneak into the bookstore at decent intervals to read half a chapter until, a month later, the book is finished and the employees are deeply suspicious. Take that for the accolade it is.

[Melissa K.]

Julia, this post went straight to my heart and stayed there. Today is the one month anniversary of my own "lay off" and although I didn't love that job the way you must have loved Redbook, over the past weeks I've come to the same conclusion that your post today warm-fuzzied out to us all: thank goodness for my family (which includes my women friends!) Without them, I'd be TRULY out of it.

I wonder whatever happened to Julian in the Peace Corps? Eaten by large African land mammal? Returned to his alien homeworld from which all seemingly-perfect men must surely originate? Don't answer that question. It's more romantic not to know.

Edward gets cuter with ever passing photo....

[madelyn]

HA!! That picture of Edward made me laugh out loud.

And yes, really, a book.

[Fraulicious]

OMG that was funny. My DH asked why I was laughing but I don't want to discourage him from changing the clothes on our little one, so I didn't show him the photo. It's the thought that counts, right? And Patrick's "too dark" painting? It's awesome. I'm sure you could sell it for a ton of money if you ever really needed to!

[Sheila Z]

That painting is stunning. The boy has talent for sure. Sadly the art teacher has none. Get that picture framed under glass to protect it. When Patrick becomes famous think how valuable his early works will be.

Did you notice that the primary colored bowls in the glass cabinet even coordinate with the picture.

[bethany actually]

I'm sorry you lost your writing job at Redbook. I hope that means you'll write more here...or a book! I second Moose. I would RUN to the bookstore to buy (okay, let's be honest, I would pre-order on Amazon) any book that you write, in hardcover. I relate so much to the way you see the world. Your writing is funny, smart and full of grace. I am always happy to see a new post from you pop up in my reader, and I always save it for last, like dessert.

[Sheila Z]

Oh,almost forgot...

BOOK,BOOK,BOOK!

Have to do the chant daily so you know we still want more of you than just the blog.

[Amy]

I second the book. You would be wonderful and I would preorder it just so I could have it the day it came out. I am glad the support you received helped you feel better.

The second hidden picture cracked me up. As soon as I read the question my first thought was the onesie buttoned outside the pants and sure enough... too funny! Edward still looks adorable.

[Amy]

I second the book. You would be wonderful and I would preorder it just so I could have it the day it came out. I am glad the support you received helped you feel better.

The second hidden picture cracked me up. As soon as I read the question my first thought was the onesie buttoned outside the pants and sure enough... too funny! Edward still looks adorable.

[becky]

All the cool kids wear their onsies like that.

Write the book! We'll all make sure it's a best seller!

[kata]

A book? In a word: yes. Put me on the preorder list!

[catherino]

I would absolutely buy your book. You could probably sell me Patrick's painting too - I love it! And wow - how do you not just sit around all day and gaze at Edward. He's breathtaking.

[Nicky]

I'm so glad we made you feel better. Now write your book.

Oh my goodness, I LOVE Patrick's picture. LOVE IT. In fact I want it. Can you scan it, and offer prints or somesuch on etsy? Because seriously, that is gorgeous. I would pay money for that print. Patrick's teacher is an idiot.

Also - not blogads. Google ads. They are automatically put on based on the content of your post - keywords. you have a say in blocking some if you don't like them. Have a look at the blog http://getrichslowly.org for a nice use of google ads at the top and bottom of posts. If you nose around he talks about how CLICKING on the ads to support him doesn't help him as it could show as fake clicks, just having them there is enough.

[nimblesixpence]

"Here Be Hippogriffs is the chronicle of one midwestern mom's life. But what a life! Julia manages to take the smallest details and turn them into fascinating, laugh-out-loud prose that connects with her 10,000 readers (note: i have no idea) and keeps them checking her site for updates multiple times each day."

I have not written or even read a blog blurb before, but thought I'd give it a try. And having your readers' write your blurb is really the perfect way to advertise yourself. "See what all these OTHER people say about me!"

BTW, this is EXACTLY how I feel about your blog, even though I live on the east coast, I'm not a mom, I haven't dealt with infertility, etc.

[Mary @ Holy Mackerel]

You deserve it. I'd buy your book too.

[cathy b]

Ad ready? You've got the Taster's Choice (r) and Coca Cola (r) references in, now you can just throw in a brand name of wine, brand of cookies, brand of onesies, maybe a brand of drywall spackle to cover that hole...

[arbutus]

So...did you hang up that gorgeous art of Patrick's to cover up the hole in the wall??? I love that painting, it would go perfectly in my dining/living area. You should consider selling prints!

There is something about the "outside" onsie on Edward that reminds me of a ballet dancer, like the leotard over the tights, and with those soft slippers and his sensitive, serious expression...he is sublime!

[Marina]

A reader (me) came upon an early 2004 blog post through dr. google. A week later, she has read everything up to present day, cried in times of sorrow, laughed along with the depreciating humor, marveled at the human ability to cope and adapt, but most importantly was amazed by her inability to stop reading. An evolving story of infertility, friendships, relationships, work woes spiced up by tasty recipes and savory book recommendations. Would you want to reach her and a ___ other devoted readers of this blog?

[jenn]

Please tell Patrick that I have always been partial to darker stained glass. It's lovely.

You're welcome for the Internet pep talk, but it wasn't just a pep talk. I meant every word.

[Grace]

I mostly lurk, am just catching up. Wanted to say sorry about your job loss. Not a mom, but I love your posts, and you were the only reason I ever went to the Redbook site.

Go for the book. I'll get it and donate it to the local library once it's read.

[Lori]

Can Patrick make a stained glass for me? Beautiful, it's a pity the teacher didn't get it. I'd hang that up in my house any day. Also, write the book! Please?

[Carolina]

Yes to book! Woo!!

Or perhaps you could create a store and sell prints of Patrick's stained glass. It's really stunning.

As to ads, have you looked at Project Wonderful? I don't do anything that either needs to be advertised or has ad space to sell, but if I did, I would be so right there with PW--their business model seems really neat.

Their webste, unsurprisingly, is http://www.projectwonderful.com/

[CaraH]

You really are as great as we all said... yours is the only blog that I'll have my husband mute the television for so that I can say "Let me read you this paragraph from Julia..." and he knows just who I'm talking about :)

Chin up and take care!

[Jen]

I would so buy your book if you wrote one. I think it should be just a collection of Patrick, Edward, and Caroline stories. No need to get complicated.

[ksmaybe]

1-LOVE Patrick's painting

2-book?? YES

3-Edward....HAHAHAHAHA!

[Elyssa]

De-lurking to wonder what the art teacher would have thought of Marc Chagall... I'm the daughter of two teachers, so I love 'em, but ye gods!

[Yatima]

Obviously that teacher never heard of Chagall.

http://www.un.org/cyberschoolbus/untour/subcha.htm

[Jackie]

ok the shirt OVER the pants!!! That cracked me up! Seriously, hehehehe, totally something my husband would do...

[deb]

Book? Book? Do I hear BOOK???
Julia, you go girl. I know AT LEAST 18 people for whom I would buy your book.
Also, I refused to register at Redbook to leave my snarky, disappointed response to your lay-off. I had tried to register several times before and found it a p- in - the -a.
You, my friend, are amazing.

[Laurie]

De-lurking to parrot all of the other posters. I (too) was stunned and saddened to hear your news. PLEASE PLEASE let a book be our reward for missing out on double-dose-of-Julia posts we've become accustomed to! Also mark me under the category of "frugal youknowwhatsits that would pre-order in Hardback the nanosecond you announced it", cause your writing really is that good.

P.S. What on earth was the teacher thinking?!?

[Ruth]

That art teacher has no taste. Patrick's picture is wonderful.

Onesie over pants? At least he's dressed. My husband is prone to declaring the days he ends up on dressing duty "pajama days".

And I am sorry to hear about Redbook. Something better will come along.

[Pam L]

I could not believe that was the "too dark" painting! It is fabulous, I love it. Pretty impressive. And look! you already have people writing your bio for you- too cool! I am 53, not concerned so much by fertility or baby issues anymore, my youngest is now 16, and yet, I find your writing describing your daily life fascinating and so uniquely humorous I never get tired of it. And why DID the amazing Julian join the Peace Corp and leave you all alone on the floor? What was WRONG with him? Of course , that did free you up for the wonderful Steve, so mores the better.

[Jan]

Sample blurb "tk," and I will talk to writers in the Phila. area writers' network about publishing contacts. The painting, now that we finally see it, is brilliant. As an editor, I like to see, as part of a proposal, a "sample" or two, including a "sample" introduction. Let's all think about the most drop-down bit of Julia that we remember.

[l3j]

Patrick's painting is beautiful. If I saw that in one of the local galleries, I would buy it. Seriously.

[Naomi]

That's really Patrick's art project? It's gorgeous. I had thought it was an art print.

I described your blog today to someone as "a mommy blog, but by such a good writer she could make dishwashing funny and interesting." You could maybe say it's about genetics, twins, number-obsessed kindergarteners, and cooking.

And ITA that you should write a book.

[Kerri]

I didn't leave a comment about the Redbook post, because the hundreds before me said exactly what I was thinking...in summary, "you rock, their loss, not yours, please write a book, etc, etc." But I am so glad that their comments have made you feel better. I must confess, I read the Redbook post before the personal blog, and I felt a very real sense of panic at the thought that maybe it was your choice and you would also quit writing here, too. I now feel horrible at my initial relief that, thank God you would continue to do this blog. I am very sorry that Redbook is no longer. But please know that while you will be missed there by many, many are so very happy to have you still writing here. And Patrick's stained glass picture is gorgeous, as is the picture of Edward. There are not many that can pull off the unbuttoned onesie and still manage to look so dashing. He's a cutie, Farrah Fawcett hair and all.

[yasmina]

If you can find a publisher to put together all of your posts here, in iparents, and in redbook to make a book, I will definitely buy it! I will certainly buy anything else that you will write in the future. I feel LEFT OUT of your "thank you note" b/c I did not comment on your last post here, although I did leave one in that horribly user-unfriendly RB site!

BTW, this post is THE best, absolutely the best "thank you note" existing in the world! I wish I had your talent to describe how I feel about your writing...

[lizardek]

Would buy your book the second it went on sale. Would also buy it for friends and family. Please do!!

[Twangypearl]

You reckon we could rustle up some interest from a publisher if we all emailed him/her??

Here is my endorsement:

We read to know we are not alone.

This is a writer of considerable charm and talent. Julia writes what she knows, observing her own life with a wonderfully clear and unsentimental eye. Her stories of defeat and triumph, great and small, are utterly engaging and her readers (who are devoted to her) sense a real companion in her.
Compelling as her personal story is, I would read her work if she was writing reviews of kitchen gloves, or recipes for tapioca pudding.

[Amanda]

I love Patrick's painting! And my in-laws have a mirror hung on their bathroom door to hide the hole my dear husband (age 14 at the time) put in it while trying to intimidate his sister.

The onesie snapped over the pants is a classic :)

[magicdrgn]

Okay, so what happened with Julian?

[Toni]

I had my Steve look at the picture of Edward. He could NOT figure out what was wrong with the picture. I practically had to point it out to him. Men.

I'm no help on the ad front. I went from computers to nursing - no ad stuff in between. But I'll definitely click away when it comes!!!

I agree with others - what happened with Julian??

[Michele]

I'll be on the book pre-order list!

As the daughter of a stained glass artist, I think Patrick's painting is terrific.

[Heather]

I love your blog so much. Actually I have already paid to read your writing--once while traveling in in Mexico I logged in at an internet cafe just to see how you were doing. You are one of the few bloggers whose online writing I thought didn't suffer at all when you took a paid gig, so I'm really sorry you lost it, and I totally support your writing for money. Just please keep writing your blog, the same way you always have. It is one of my very favorite things.

[Queenie]

I love, love, LOVE that painting that Patrick did. It's gorgeous. His teacher really is a tool.

How about, "Kickass modern woman regularly leaves readers pealing with laughter over her tales of life, family and living la vida loca."