It's What's For Dinner

Last week I had an envy (an ahnvee) for cajun food and my friend Noelle was moaning about king cake (which she finally just whipped up - BEAUTIFULLY - on her own; I was purple and green and gold with admiration) so we decided to do a dinner here on Friday night. The plan was that her family was going to bring the gumbo and I was going to eat it. But Steve and her husband somehow inserted themselves into the social organizing and the next thing Noelle and I knew our Vendredi Gras had become a pheasant smoking party. Steve had to repeat this phrase to me a few times before I realized it was not a euphemism for anything more, shall we say, Californian? They were actually going to take plucked pheasants (for they are pheasant pluckers) and put them into a smoker. And although the change in plans was a roux'd (ha ha - punny) awakening I have to admit that eating something that has been soaked in brine, wrapped in bacon and then held for several hours over smoldering hickory chips before being grilled is a damned good substitute for pretty much everything.

Delicious.

But my point is that I was already feeling a little New Orleans when I got the nicest email late Friday afternoon from REDBOOK. Two actually. The first was from my online editor (I love her) introducing me to a senior print editor who had asked for my email address. The second was from said senior editor saying how sorry they were to see me leave the online site and how pleased she would be to have me write features for the magazine. It was very, well, nice and flattering and I thought it could turn into something so I was excited. And when I get excited I tend to become a little exuberant. So it was unfortunate that I also felt like I was on Bourbon Street and a young'ish 22.

I surveyed the kitchen the next morning through squinty eyes.

"We drank a lot of wine last night," I said.

"YOU drank a lot of wine last night," Steve corrected. He looked rested and gorgeous and had already made blueberry pancakes for the children. I muttered something in troll and spent the rest of the day sipping small quantities of tea and turning on Bravo whenever I managed to get the living room to myself.

Laissez les bons temp rouler.

+++

Peek-a-boo in two interpretative styles.

On the one hand, Caroline the consumate performer who is peering through her fingers and counting the house.

On the other hand, Edward, who finds himself so amusing that he grips his face hard enough to leave marks in his unbridled glee.

+++

Out of the corner of my eye I kept catching the hole in the kitchen wall and it felt like something disturbing - a bat or a freakishly enormous box elder bug - so I covered it up with Patrick's artwork.

"Don't worry," I told Steve. "It's a load-bearing painting."

As much as I would like to criticize Patrick's art teacher who thought he needed to head towards the light with that project I have to say that I think he does really nice work under her tutelage. Clearly she does not fuck around when it comes to art instruction, even with first graders. Personally, I think Patrick has a good eye for these things (by which I mean his taste is my taste) but I also know that given so much as a millimeter to work with he will paint the entire mile green and call it done. Everything he has brought home from school has been well thought out and carefully executed and not to deingrate my offspring but a little discipline applied to completing tasks is not going to kill him.     

The story, by the way, was that I saw Patrick's painting in the school hallway and I told him how much I liked it and he sighed and said oh THAT painting I did it wrong my teacher said I needed to use nice bright colors, and then I put up a REDBOOK post asking whether there can be a "wrong" in elementary school painting. And quite a few people responded in the affirmative and almost all of their thoughts made sense to me. One commenter freaked out - as per usual with the internet - and got all frothy about (I love this line and I have shamelessly been using it ever since) my "super special snowflake" implying that I could not bear to have Patrick's genius questioned. It's been a couple of months and I am still laughing. Hand to my heart. I know most of you never believed this when I used to bite my lips bloody over the fact that Patrick seemed abnormally... academically inclined... but I was really worried about him. He was three and he was WEIRD. Seriously weird. It's nice to be smart but it's better to be happy and I agonized over my fear that he would spend the rest of his life as a font-obsessed misfit rather than a font-obsessed bon vivant and boulevardier.

He's good, though. He likes school and I think the multi-age classroom is right for him. When everyone in the class is working on a different set of books it is easy to apply the lesson (say, aspects of characterization) to a really wide range of readers. I was skeptical that 30 kids (I volunteer in his reading class; it's huge but she keeps it well run) could each be taught to their own level but I am now a convert. Math class... well, he reads a lot of math theory at home in his spare time. Favorite books (many recommended by you, thank you) include: The Number Devil, The Cat in Numberland, the Penrose the Mathematical Cat books, and the Murderous Maths series. The last one is British and some of the phrasing both amuses and exasperates Patrick. I have tried repeatedly to tell him that it's the English language; we just borrowed it (and made it a lot more fun in the 1920s) but he remains convinced that math should not be pluralized. I kinda agree. What's up with the whole maths thing, sceptered isle?  

Veering wildly off course here for a moment: as long as I am talking to you over yonder there, could someone explain bidets to me? NOT their purpose, thank you very much, but the etiquette involved. We do not have bidets in America and I had always assumed they were an antiquated item in Europe as well, but recent House Hunter International episodes have forced me to reassess this belief. Is this something that one actually uses outside one's own home? Is there a towel involved, like a hand towel in a guest bath only... not? I don't mean to sound unsophisticated but if I don't ask how will I ever learn?

Back to Patrick. His favorite class is gym. I think the twice-weekly Spanish classes are kicking his ass (he must take after his father in that respect; he of the four years of first year espagnol.) A kid in his class was allowed to invite one friend to his older brother's birthday party and he asked Patrick. That made me really happy although I know it should not because *I* wasn't the one invited anywhere and it is always important to separate oneself from one's child. Otherwise you wind up getting into cat fights on the sideline of your kid's soccer game. Which is shameful.

Speaking of soccer I was looking at possible summer programs last night. I flipped through a YMCA brochure and found a sports series they were offering for grades 2 through 5. I asked Patrick what he might be interested in and he said swimming. I said ok, anything else? How about baseball?

"Baseball?" Patrick said. "BASEBALL? No way. I could get hit in the head."

I handed him the catalog and he read it and then handed it back to me.

"I'll do golf," he said.

"Golf?" I asked.

"Yeah. It's the safest. Definitely golf."

He makes me laugh, even when he isn't trying. Oh, and he finally made me laugh (for real) when he is trying:

Dinner last week. In my new role as superthrifty housewife I turned a small ham into four distinct meals (ham with sweet potatoes; jambalaya-inspired breakfast corn muffins; spinach and ham frittata; navy bean soup - my favorite food quote: "Eternity is a ham and two people.")

Patrick looks at his bowl and asks, "What is this?"

"It's bean soup."

Patrick replies, "I don't care what it's been; what is it now?"

Ba da BING!

+++

The violence depicted in this final image might not be appropriate for children. I thought she was just being affectionate, perhaps intending to give him a gentle nuzzle, but no. In her defense she is cutting two molars and three cuspids. Also Edward does have a tendency to run over her with the shopping cart; a habit he might now be reconsidering. 

Comments

[Swiggy]

My husband is English (flying back as I type this, actually). I think the "maths" phrasing comes from the shortening of mathematics. I just think it's one of his quirks when he says it. My 5 year old doesn't even blink anymore when Daddy comes out with something different. In fact, when I try to correct something the Monkey says, he says back to me "I speak different, like Daddy" - even if it's not what Daddy would say at all!

[Nony Mouse]

Now I regret never suggesting you and your family move to New Orleans. You seem to have quite an affection for the city. Though maybe you can move there after the children are grown and gone, it's probably safer all around.

[bethany actually]

Load-bearing painting! We use that line all the time.

[Kristi]

I had to come over here and see what people have said about bidets. Sadly, I have no idea and am curious as well. :) Not enough to like, look it up... but enough to come back and read the comments. haha :)

SO happy the REDBOOK people are awesome! I love reading your stuff.

[Ginny]

Oh my goodness, dear. You DO make me laugh. Thanks for The Funny.

[Christa]

I love that your twins and my twins have all the same Carters footy pajamas. Amazing how they just add another dimension of cute.

[victoria]

I heart you. So glad to hear there was reason to celebrate, and that I no longer have to keep a place for REDBOOK on my already crowded resentment list.

In other news: we were in Rome over Christmas. They have bidets in the hotels, and fountains out on the streets. I saw one nice Roman fellow actually washing his dog's bottom, post-poop, in a public fountain. Apparently he was concerned that Fido might suffer that not-so-fresh feeling.

[Barbara]

Aha! The people have spoken and RB listened. Congrats on possibility of features!!!

For Patrick: _The Phantom Tollbooth_ (Yes, I am persistent -- my 3rd time recommending it.)

Thanks for a lovely post. I, too, was laughing and enjoying your writing!

[Lisa]

Ha! That Patrick cracks me up. I am still laughing about his acquiring of the letters and his conversation with the woman at the store. He is hilarious! I don't care what its been...haha. I love Patrick funnies.

[Amy]

MathematicS..?

I've read that the bidet is followed by a toweling - each person has their own towel, of course. It's meant to be a before-bed crotch cleanser, I believe, borne of the not-showering-daily culture.

[T.]

I read your entries so slowly to make them last. So in love with your writing style, I smile the whole way through.

I'm glad you partied like Mardi Gras at the pheasant smoking party, and even gladder that you got those wonderful emails from the REDBOOK people.

Your children are angels, I'll just pretend that it really was a loving nuzzle by Caroline!

[meg]

Re: The bidets.... I just spent a year in Finland and it took me a few months to realize those little showerheads weren't for putting out fires or spraying the bathroom down when it got dirty, though that is how I continued to use the one in my apartment

Generally you just use it to rinse off your nether bits after using the toilet (for the love of God make sure to adjust the temperature first) and then you pat yourself dry with toilet paper. Some fancier places might give you a towel for the purpose but unless it's right next to the toilet and obviously intended for that, don't just go grab someone's hand towel and wipe your crotch with it.

[Jennie]

"I agonized over my fear that he would spend the rest of his life as a font-obsessed misfit rather than a font-obsessed bon vivant and boulevardier."

Oh, I hear ya. I was interested to read what you said about the mixed age classroom. Unfortunately, this is only an option at one school in our area and though we've applied, it may be a little too groovy.

As the mother of one "weird" kid to another, I want to thank you for all that you've shared about Patrick. You've been the only other mother I can relate to on the topic of unusual, alphabet loving boys, and it's been a huge blessing.

Also, I agree with Amy on the source of the "s" in "maths." I'm am married to one from the sceptered isle and he concurs.

[Elizabeth_K]

I so much agree, better to be happy than smart. I am so glad your son is turning out to be both ...

[Toni]

1) NEED to post more recipes Julia. I miss your stuff. I know it's been awhile, but I've been around awhile.

2) It's that last picture that makes me wish that my pregnancy was still twins. It's been many, MANY weeks since we lost #2...but to have the opportunity to see that 'love'...sign.

3) Congrats on the REDBOOK thing. At least they know that they had a good thing with the online version. They're going to figure out a way to make money off of your writing!!!

[Sarah]

Maths: It sounds so weird to me when you say Math, unfinished!

Bidets: I don't see them around so much in the UK now, though I think they were 'all the rage' in the seventies. Last time I was in a hotel with a bidet, I left my flannel (washcloth? facecloth? whatever you call it there) next to the sink and when I returned it was folded neatly over the bidet. Clearly she thought it was some washing/drying cloth and I was a heathen for discarding it near the sink after use.

[KidKate]

CONGRATS on the REDBOOK mag gig! I am only just now catching up and see that the online thing has fizzled. I am so sorry to see that, as I loved reading you in both places, but look forward to the print edition.

Here is a funny bidet story, which is not mine to tell, but I will repeat it anyway: A friend of mine and I both had babies while we were living overseas in London. Both had forceps deliveries with accompanying episiotomies (ow). Each of us were given the same advice, "When you need to have a bowel movement, use the bidet." (This was ostensibly to keep the incision clean.) Here's where I'm glad she had her baby first: Rather than using the bidet AFTER she had her first BM in the hospital, she had it IN the bidet. She only realized her mistake after seeing that there was no way to flush the evidence. So, she did was any self-respecting Midwesterner would do: She transporting the remains from the bidet to the toilet by herself.

She told me this while I was recovering in the hospital from my own labor and I've never laughed so hard. Plus I completed avoided the bidet!

[Sarah]

I was watching the House Hunters International and mentioned that to my husband also! We were watching the one in Holland and Portugal. I asked him because he lived in Germany for 3 years and traveled all over. He said it’s a pretty common occurrence, and that he thought it was because Europeans have used them for longer than disposable paper has been around, so they've just stuck. I'm not sure where this theory came from, but I just looked at him with raised eyebrows and turned back to the TV. I didn't want go into it any further!

[Cris]

1) I can't believe that was actually patrick's painting. Although obviously too dark :), it was lovely!
2) I think our daughters would be friends--they both bite and have the same pjs!

[Elin]

KidKate, that is the funniest thing I've heard all year!

[Slim]

"a little discipline applied to completing tasks is not going to kill him"

Yup. I narced on my own precious snowflake at his fall conference. His brother's teacher, meanwhile, is worried about his perfectionism. Clearly, it's nothing we're doing.

[winecat]

Peek-a-boo in two interpretive styles - wonderful.

Congrats on the paper Redbook gig, now I no longer have to spend energy cursing them as they come up on your side bar.

[gah!]

Gah, you are such a pretentious prat. Oh look at me and my wonderful life with smoked pheasants and gorgeous husband and kids and I am so serene I must be on 2000 medications. What a load of crap seriously.

[Elaine at Lipstickdaily]

Honestly, how do you fit so much (beautifully) into one post? My son also has an interest in sports which is directly inversely proportional to the likelihood he will get injured - - he rather surprisingly agreed to lacrosse but I think it's because they play so wrapped up in gear nobody can move or see.

[Kristin]

Julia, I hope you know how much so many of us love your writing and hearing about your lovely life. I'm hoping you print out comments like the one a few above mine and run them over in your driveway like Dooce does. Seriously. Thanks for sharing your life. Most of us appreciate it!

[Gillian]

I quite agree that the goal for mothers is to ensure the kid has a happy life and friends. I let the teachers deal with the rest.

Oh, Gah! Your name is perfect. I am so sorry that someone is holding your feet to the fire forcing you to read and criticize someone else's work. I would miss Julia so much and can guarantee that no one will miss your contributions at all if you choose to get lost.

[Kelly]

Wow gah.. switch to decaf. Seriously. You'll be much happier.

Julia congratulations on the Red Book thing - excellent news! My question is; will you let us know when you have an article in print so that we can pick up the current issue?

[Shelley]

Julia a pretentious prat? JULIA? My first reaction is to giggle. But what a sad, sad person this oddly-named Gah must be. Gah, your intent is clearly to make Julia feel small -- why else would you bother to leave such a comment -- but instead, you come off as insanely jealous.

Julia, keep on doing what you're doing -- we really, really like it. As does Redbook, obviously.

[gem]

Caroline has a really evil look on her face, a bit like the "Silence of the Lambs"! I love it!
P.S. I'm from across the pond also, Irish though. Definitely Maths, but we are not so big on the bidets here either so I am not too sure of the etiquette.
My SIL who is older than me and richer got one in her very posh house when they built it and we all left the side down when we laughed at the whole idea of it. I am not sure that it was ever used! I think they were a very passing phase though, haven't seen any in ages.

[illahee]

*sigh* i love the baby photos, as always.

[beyond]

bidets are common in europe, more so in southern countries and france than in the north. i would guess most of them were installed in the 50s and 60s. i have never used one, nor do i know anyone who has. while i understand their use -and would never judge anyone who uses them- for me personally bidets are just yuck. they stem from a time when people didn't shower (or bathe) everyday.
i just looked at the wikipedia entry and found out you sit on them backwards or frontwards, depending on what... you know... oh just yuck.

[beyond]

forgot to say: that pheasant sounds so awesomely delicious!

[jenn]

Congrats on the Redbook gig!

Glad you asked the bidet question...I've always wondered, too.

[Heather]

You crack me up! The ending picture was priceless, I always love Patrick's comments, I have no idea of how to use a bidet, but everyone's comments have made me a bit more informed (like not to do a BM in the bidet), and congratulations on the Redbook gig. I'm so happy to hear that they still love your writing because you are hilarious!

[Amie]

I totally read pheasant pluckers as "pleasant phuckers"!!!HAHA!

And Patricks soup joke was HILARIOUS!!!!

[Cadence Daly]

What a completely delightful post! A bit of this, a bit of that, two versions of peek a boo, a Patrick zinger, food, Steve, and great news about a potential writing gig, all served up in the most charming stream-of-consciousness manner.

As always, a pleasure and a privilege to read.

[Jen]

I second the Number Devil thanks -- got it out of the library after hearing about it in your comments and now we're ordering our own. Even the older brothers were lured in when we were reading it.

Go with the swimming with Patrick -- maybe when he's a little older, though. Find a nice not too competitive team/club and let him at it. It's one of those sports that's got a team thing going (even if you don't do meets), but it's all very individual, personal best and improving oneself emphasis. Besides, there's all that time to think while you're swimming and swimming and swimming. Sort of like actively meditating. AND it tires them out and gives them lovely shoulders.

Gah! made me laugh, I admit it. Somebody got up on the wrong side of the bed, eh?

[KidKate]

Eek, my comment has a million typos! I had wine with lunch. Obviously a mistake.

PS: Gah! is joking, right?

[Mrs. Holpine]

My house had a bidet when we moved in and I had no idea how to use it, despite spending considerable time in Europe. I had to Google it to be sure I was doing it right. It's not that I live in a palace, I just think the builder was a bit pretentious before he was foreclosed on or went bankrupt or whatever.

My original plan was to have it yanked out of my bathroom and install a linen cabinet in its place, but then I discovered that it is useful-- not in the post-pooping sense, but in the post-coital one. It tidies up the girly parts nicely after a marital interlude and before bed. Now I'm not sure if I want the linen cabinet enough to give up the bidet or not.

And I will look forward to your byline in Redbook, a reason to keep my subscription if ever there was one.

[Susan]

One doesn't study Mathematic (singular)...having said that, I'm Canadian, so I say math. But I'm married to a Brit, and will tell you that maths vs math is small potatoes compared to The Great Oregano Debate (Massacre?) of '98. I took it back all the way to the Latin root before disgustingly admitting that it was probably more correct (or at least truer to the root) to say 'or-e-gawn-o' rather than 'or-egg-a-no'.

...and don't even get me started on the word 'herb'--does one pronounce the 'h' or not? oh, and now we have to disagree about whether or not the letter 'H' is pronounced 'aitch' or 'haitch'. Shall we just sign the divorce papers now?

[Queenie]

Finally, Redbook has come to their senses!

[Flicka]

OMG, Julia! My sides ache from laughing! Thank you. Just thank you.

And "super special snowflake?" Buwahahaha! I'm totally using that from now on!

xoxox
Flicka

PS~ You'll be happy to know that Sam has outgrown his need for Simply Thick, yay! Thanks so much for getting us started on it; it was a lifesaver for the time we used it.

[Pam]

You are too funny - thank you!

[minni]

You know Patrick might just surprise you very pleasantly with his golf! (shame on me) i don't remember how it started, but my older son started going to the driving range with his dad since he was 2 1/2 and he is actually pretty good. he has a natural golf swing, and he's getting better all the time. he's only 4 now, but i mentioned about his "golfing" to his pediatrician at his 3 yr well check and she said her colleague's (another ped at the same practice) daughter started golfing from the age of 3 and now she's so good she has a coach and is going to kids' golfing tournaments and she is only 7 now (6 when I found out about her). all this with no pressure from her parents. of course in my enthusiasm i got the name of the coach but my son's dad refuses to hire a coach for him... at this point jimmy is just enjoying it. he obviously loves it because he swings a tennis racket and a softball bat like he swings his gold clubs!! it's too funny. my main goal is to get him a good college education and he can do whatever he wants after that as long as he can stand on his own two feet and be an upright citizen.

that long narrative aside - do let Patrick try out golf - you just never know! Good luck!

btw, we live in austin, tx and can actually go to the driving range in the middle of winter... hint hint

[BA]

Ahhhh, the bidet. We have one in our house and the only 2 things its ever been good for is shooting unsuspecting people in the face and a place for my son to try to fit in. I want to take it out and put in a corner jacuzzi/tub shower, but even if we had the money, we were told it would add more value to have the bidet. WTF?

[azita]

Congrats re REDBOOK! :D
Look forward to seeing you in print - how exciting!

[fidi]

In Germany we had a bidet in one of our appartments. It was a bit unusual since it had a regular faucet. We never used it how it was intended, but it was conveniently installed below a large window. So we (mom, me & sis) would sit in the window use it to soak our feet and drink a cup of tea after being outside in the cold in winter...
Never seen a bidet in any other place I lived in Germany - and we moved a lot.

You are such a great writer, I am sure they are desperately trying to find a way to keep you at RB.

[JenM]

Well mathematics is plural, so the contraction should be too!

As for bidets, the only one I've encountered was the one in the bathroom of the maternity ward I was in after I gave birth and it was a Godsend. Unfortunately the effects of birth / a newborn on my brain at the time means I can't quite recall what I dried with (toilet paper?) although I can remember the soothing bliss on my mangled bits quite clearly.

[SusaninOz]

Yes, definitely maths here in Oz (and New Zealand). Why exactly? What JenM said. It surprises me that Canadians say math given our shared origins and how we spell the same way.

[Slim]

OK, Brits and their recent colonies:
(1) Do you talk about "econ" or "econs"? Because I'm not getting the "contraction should be plural too" argument. Why? Contractions are so you can stop talking, never mind what's happening at the end of the word.
(B) Can a woman even be a prat? Not that I think Julia is. It just seems so phallic.