It's What's For Dinner

Last week I had an envy (an ahnvee) for cajun food and my friend Noelle was moaning about king cake (which she finally just whipped up - BEAUTIFULLY - on her own; I was purple and green and gold with admiration) so we decided to do a dinner here on Friday night. The plan was that her family was going to bring the gumbo and I was going to eat it. But Steve and her husband somehow inserted themselves into the social organizing and the next thing Noelle and I knew our Vendredi Gras had become a pheasant smoking party. Steve had to repeat this phrase to me a few times before I realized it was not a euphemism for anything more, shall we say, Californian? They were actually going to take plucked pheasants (for they are pheasant pluckers) and put them into a smoker. And although the change in plans was a roux'd (ha ha - punny) awakening I have to admit that eating something that has been soaked in brine, wrapped in bacon and then held for several hours over smoldering hickory chips before being grilled is a damned good substitute for pretty much everything.

Delicious.

But my point is that I was already feeling a little New Orleans when I got the nicest email late Friday afternoon from REDBOOK. Two actually. The first was from my online editor (I love her) introducing me to a senior print editor who had asked for my email address. The second was from said senior editor saying how sorry they were to see me leave the online site and how pleased she would be to have me write features for the magazine. It was very, well, nice and flattering and I thought it could turn into something so I was excited. And when I get excited I tend to become a little exuberant. So it was unfortunate that I also felt like I was on Bourbon Street and a young'ish 22.

I surveyed the kitchen the next morning through squinty eyes.

"We drank a lot of wine last night," I said.

"YOU drank a lot of wine last night," Steve corrected. He looked rested and gorgeous and had already made blueberry pancakes for the children. I muttered something in troll and spent the rest of the day sipping small quantities of tea and turning on Bravo whenever I managed to get the living room to myself.

Laissez les bons temp rouler.

+++

Peek-a-boo in two interpretative styles.

On the one hand, Caroline the consumate performer who is peering through her fingers and counting the house.

On the other hand, Edward, who finds himself so amusing that he grips his face hard enough to leave marks in his unbridled glee.

+++

Out of the corner of my eye I kept catching the hole in the kitchen wall and it felt like something disturbing - a bat or a freakishly enormous box elder bug - so I covered it up with Patrick's artwork.

"Don't worry," I told Steve. "It's a load-bearing painting."

As much as I would like to criticize Patrick's art teacher who thought he needed to head towards the light with that project I have to say that I think he does really nice work under her tutelage. Clearly she does not fuck around when it comes to art instruction, even with first graders. Personally, I think Patrick has a good eye for these things (by which I mean his taste is my taste) but I also know that given so much as a millimeter to work with he will paint the entire mile green and call it done. Everything he has brought home from school has been well thought out and carefully executed and not to deingrate my offspring but a little discipline applied to completing tasks is not going to kill him.     

The story, by the way, was that I saw Patrick's painting in the school hallway and I told him how much I liked it and he sighed and said oh THAT painting I did it wrong my teacher said I needed to use nice bright colors, and then I put up a REDBOOK post asking whether there can be a "wrong" in elementary school painting. And quite a few people responded in the affirmative and almost all of their thoughts made sense to me. One commenter freaked out - as per usual with the internet - and got all frothy about (I love this line and I have shamelessly been using it ever since) my "super special snowflake" implying that I could not bear to have Patrick's genius questioned. It's been a couple of months and I am still laughing. Hand to my heart. I know most of you never believed this when I used to bite my lips bloody over the fact that Patrick seemed abnormally... academically inclined... but I was really worried about him. He was three and he was WEIRD. Seriously weird. It's nice to be smart but it's better to be happy and I agonized over my fear that he would spend the rest of his life as a font-obsessed misfit rather than a font-obsessed bon vivant and boulevardier.

He's good, though. He likes school and I think the multi-age classroom is right for him. When everyone in the class is working on a different set of books it is easy to apply the lesson (say, aspects of characterization) to a really wide range of readers. I was skeptical that 30 kids (I volunteer in his reading class; it's huge but she keeps it well run) could each be taught to their own level but I am now a convert. Math class... well, he reads a lot of math theory at home in his spare time. Favorite books (many recommended by you, thank you) include: The Number Devil, The Cat in Numberland, the Penrose the Mathematical Cat books, and the Murderous Maths series. The last one is British and some of the phrasing both amuses and exasperates Patrick. I have tried repeatedly to tell him that it's the English language; we just borrowed it (and made it a lot more fun in the 1920s) but he remains convinced that math should not be pluralized. I kinda agree. What's up with the whole maths thing, sceptered isle?  

Veering wildly off course here for a moment: as long as I am talking to you over yonder there, could someone explain bidets to me? NOT their purpose, thank you very much, but the etiquette involved. We do not have bidets in America and I had always assumed they were an antiquated item in Europe as well, but recent House Hunter International episodes have forced me to reassess this belief. Is this something that one actually uses outside one's own home? Is there a towel involved, like a hand towel in a guest bath only... not? I don't mean to sound unsophisticated but if I don't ask how will I ever learn?

Back to Patrick. His favorite class is gym. I think the twice-weekly Spanish classes are kicking his ass (he must take after his father in that respect; he of the four years of first year espagnol.) A kid in his class was allowed to invite one friend to his older brother's birthday party and he asked Patrick. That made me really happy although I know it should not because *I* wasn't the one invited anywhere and it is always important to separate oneself from one's child. Otherwise you wind up getting into cat fights on the sideline of your kid's soccer game. Which is shameful.

Speaking of soccer I was looking at possible summer programs last night. I flipped through a YMCA brochure and found a sports series they were offering for grades 2 through 5. I asked Patrick what he might be interested in and he said swimming. I said ok, anything else? How about baseball?

"Baseball?" Patrick said. "BASEBALL? No way. I could get hit in the head."

I handed him the catalog and he read it and then handed it back to me.

"I'll do golf," he said.

"Golf?" I asked.

"Yeah. It's the safest. Definitely golf."

He makes me laugh, even when he isn't trying. Oh, and he finally made me laugh (for real) when he is trying:

Dinner last week. In my new role as superthrifty housewife I turned a small ham into four distinct meals (ham with sweet potatoes; jambalaya-inspired breakfast corn muffins; spinach and ham frittata; navy bean soup - my favorite food quote: "Eternity is a ham and two people.")

Patrick looks at his bowl and asks, "What is this?"

"It's bean soup."

Patrick replies, "I don't care what it's been; what is it now?"

Ba da BING!

+++

The violence depicted in this final image might not be appropriate for children. I thought she was just being affectionate, perhaps intending to give him a gentle nuzzle, but no. In her defense she is cutting two molars and three cuspids. Also Edward does have a tendency to run over her with the shopping cart; a habit he might now be reconsidering. 

Comments

[kathleen]

Love the post, and the pictures, Julia. Great news on the Redbook front.
But, people, has no one ever considered that there are more than one branches of mathematics (geometry and trigonometry come to mind)? I suggest that some look at studying maths as just that, studying various disciplines of mathematics, rather than those of us (US and Canada) who think of math as a single topic?
That's what I've always thought influenced the s or no s. Absolutely no supporting evidence other than the folk etymology in my own head, but hey, I'm convinced!

[Carole]

How can Maths not be a plural? There always has to be more than one number.....

(but I think what the earlier poster said is the reason - MathmaticS)

Bidets - much more French than British. I don't see many here in the Netherlands either. But indeed, I think one is supposed to use paper afterwards rather than the nearest towel!

[Catizhere]

Patrick replies, "I don't care what it's been; what is it now?"

Bwahahahahaha!

What a card. I love Patrick.
And, I know that you don't hear this nearly enough.....My GOD! Those babies are gorgeous! Please don't ever cut Edward's hair, an may I please borrow Caroline's eyelashes? They're like paintbrushes!

[maureenreads]

I think the crank is winecat (wHine?) not gah.

Anyway, you brighten my days Julia. I laughed out loud when Patrick worried about being hit in the head playing baseball. When my (now 26 yr old son) was 6, he was in a t-ball league. The outfield isn't particularly interesting at the best of times so he would chase toads and ended up being hit in the back of the head.

Stick with golf....a lifelong game.

[Susan]

I huffed and puffed over at the Redbook site when I learned of your layoff, telling them in no uncertain terms that I would no longer visit their online site and that I was cancelling my subscription as well. The online site is still dead to me, but I can't wait to read anything with your byline in the magazine. Congrats!

[Kim]

Just want to jump on your statement about Patrick and his academically inclined personality, i.e. perhaps strangeness. My comment is I can relate so much. My daughter just doesn't quite fit in and as much as I think it's great that she seems academically gifted (she's in 3rd grade), I completely agree with you that I think it's more important to be happy. But I guess you get what you get and you don't throw a fit. She was invited to join the GATE program next year, which is how they do it in this school district. I'm hopeful she'll find some kindred spirits or at least more stuff to focus on that interests her. I used have a heavy dose of eye rolling for the moms who said "oh woe is me, my kid's too smart for her own good", but alas it's true. I hope it will do her service later in life. Anyway, I relate. God bless those funky smart kids.

[Libby]

Goodness Julia, you are funny. It's clear who Patrick gets it from. And congrats on the new REDBOOK gig! So cool.

Also

I still want to know what happened to Julian.

[Heidi]

Ooh, seconding (fifthing) Barbara's suggestion of the Phantom Tollbooth. Great book!

[Cee]

I am so thrilled you'll be writing for Redbook!!

Also, your children are so adorable it should be against the law.

[T]

Yuck, yuck, yuck! The only thing nastier than a bidet, is someone else's old bidet. I would never use a bidet in someone else's home, or worse in a hotel or hospital. Just take a shower, folks.

[DMR]

Julia,

As you embark upon your new literary journey, please consider this: http://www.thebigmoney.com/articles/saga/2009/03/04/kindle-revolution?page=0,0

I LOVE my Kindle and that is coming from a once die-hard advocate of real ink and paper books. My husband bought it for me last May as my very first Mother's Day gift and at first I thought, "For the love, man, do you not know me at all?!" How strange and awkward and un-book like! I cannot curl up to a computer! This thing is all cold and plasticky, not at all velvety and earthy like a good friend, er, book, should be. Nonetheless, I downloaded a book from my must-read list, and hmmm...ok, not so unwieldy. Dowloaded another. Yeah, I could get used to this. Dowloaded the first chapters (no cost!) of 10 books I thought I might be interested in. Hot damn, that's a great feature! And gosh, it IS really light. And it IS the perfect commuter companion. And I CAN dowload a book ANYwhere and ANYtime (Sorry Barnes and Noble). And, hey, look at that...I'm actually curled up in bed with it and it doesn't feel SO cold and plasticky...

My Kindle sure doesn't smell like my favorite old paper companions, but, oh, the joy it brings!

And hopefully Julia, The Kindle and e-readers like and better than it, will provide a content platform for distributing your genius. And just as important, you own your content and can make (and keep, imagine that?)the gobs of money you deserve!

Good luck to you!

[Betty M]

English person here. No not econ or econs - economics every time. Math just sounds ridiculous to us I'm afraid.

Prat is not sex specific. Neither is the c word even though you would have thought it should be - men can often be heard describing other men as a fing c/t. Ditto twat. Wanker on the other hand almost exclusively for men.

Bidets pretty uncommon in the UK. Not so on Continental Europe where most homes in my experience have them. In Middle Eastern countries there is usually a jug of water for the same purpose as it is unclean not to wash. Bidets are fabulous post birth or if you have a UTI when going is so unpleasant as washing after helps.

[Michelle]

VERY FUNNY! Been just happens to be one of my daughter's spelling words this week. I can't wait to share Patrick's joke with her. :)

Also speaking of books I found a fun website to trade books bookmooch.com it's a pretty neat site.

[Jenny]

Hooray, Redbook has redeemed itself! I second the request to give notice when you have an article in the magazine, so that we can pick up copies.

By the way, if this winds up being the beginning of a freelance magazine writing career for you, may I suggest that you also apply to Wondertime magazine? They are a great parenting magazine with a great, snarky sense of humor, and I think you would fit right in. :)

Also, I want to second the "Phantom Tollbooth" recommendation for Patrick -- I don't know if he's ready for it yet, but if not, he will be soon. It's a GREAT book.

Thanks, as always, for a post with lots of smiles in it. ("muttered something in troll" ha ha ha! You slay me. :} )

[Katherine]

My dictionary indicates that everybody put prat on backwards--it means buttocks or arse. Definitely applicable to either gender.

[Karen]

Yay Redbook. And yay you, you are a marvelous writer.

Your children are absolutely delicious.

My son was a lot like your Patrick, and I was worried about weirdness and not fitting in. But he worked it all out and was very popular in high school. He didn't golf, but he chose to run track and cross country, and he ended up doing very well.

Mark my words Patrick will apply math to golf, and he'll be videotaping his swing and using math(s) to improve it.

[Lori]

If I ever want to make the fiance go bonkers I just say things as plural: i.e. Shrimp=shrimps, fish=fishes, I think you get the idea. Right or wrong? I'm not the one to say, I just like driving him batty. It's my new hobby.

[Jujube]

I have never understood the type of personality that takes obvious pleasure in being hateful. I suppose those individuals must lead unhappy lives and are meant to be pitied. Still. Wouldn't it feel good to be able to do something slightly naughty to them by sheer force of will? I'm thinking a month-long, inconveniently-placed, extremely itchy rash.

I, for one, enjoy your blog immensely. So there.

[Shawna]

You know, I think of the bidet as being a very Japanese thing, even if they didn't originate there.

I've never been able to figure out how one uses a bidet without making a mess. They don't normally have seats, right? So if you don't sit on them, it's not like your "nether regions" (as at least one other commenter called them) are at the lowest point, allowing water to drip off there. So doesn't water run down your legs? And is it a ridiculous workout for your quads to use them?

Clearly, I too have always wondered about bidets and I'm so glad someone with an actual readership has asked the question.

[Steph]

As someone with chronic IBS (alternating severe constipation and explosive diarrhea, what a joy), I have sometimes wished we had a bidet, but I don't understand how they work. I'm with Shawna, do you squat over it or what? And what about a lid? They just look so ... exposed. And using TP to dry off afterwards? I don't use TP to dry off after a shower, so I'm guessing you would still be quite drippy. Yuck.

[tgsdmom]

This is interesting... The number of comments for the good-news post is less than a quarter of the number of comments the bad-news post got. Just to let you know: It's not that it is harder to make us happy than angry/compassionate, it is just that we feel less needed and therefore respond less. At least, this is how it works with me. But I am really happy for you and I loved the post. Patrick's response is great.

BTW, I am not sure "happy" is better than "smart". I probably value the "smart" more, but it depends on the degree of the qualities. Anyway, happy&smart&healthy&beautiful is better ;-)

[FlippyO]

I'm glad REDBOOK (I'll give them back their caps) has realized your earning potential...for them. And, I'm happy for you, too. Heck, I might even occasionally buy an issue if you've written something for them.

Oh, I hope you say "super special snowflake" with a lisp. As for the new troll - do we know that Steve is gorgeous? I don't recall seeing a picture of him that wasn't from a distance or cropped to just show his hands or something. Not that he isn't, but I hope your little friend is going by evidence versus you writing about him, because I would assume that everyone is attracted to their significant other. Then again, we've had pheasant in our home too and we aren't rich, gorgeous, or serene, even though we are generally pretty darn medicated. You know, some trolls are mean without any specific evidence of jealousy, but that comment was pretty much, "Hey, I want what Julia has, dammit!"

Maybe if you told Patrick that when he was batting (the "dangerous" part of baseball), he'd be wearing a helmet, he'd be okay with it. Also, at his age, it's pretty rare for anyone to be able to throw or hit hard enough to cause much pain. However, I wish I'd taken up golf because as a kid (and mostly even now), there was no professional future for softball players. My dream of playing for the Dodgers was killed off as soon as I realized that there weren't any girls in the major leagues, alas. By then, it was too late, I already loved softball and didn't want to ruin my swing with a golf swing.

That was an excellent "bean soup" joke. Perhaps Patrick will surprise everyone by using his smarts to write smart comedy. I could see Patrick as a Steve Martin kind of guy. Intellectual, but can do the wacky, too.

[Jan]

re British pronunciation and phrasing: Patrick can say "...where it's 'bean' " but he objects to "maths?" LOL. The Hippogriff family dinner version of "Are You Being Served." Just thought of a codebreaking game he might like to play, although it requires at least two people. "Mastermind," if you don't already have it. You can order at Amazon.

[Jan]

p.s. there are a couple online versions of Mastermind that he can test. One is:
http://www.javaonthebrain.com/java/mastermind/

[Danielle]

I guess I'll be buying Redbook mags now...Congrats!

[Lee]

There are three of us at my office who are all completely devoted to you, Julia.

The other day we were chatting in the hallway and, by the way we spoke, you would have though Patrick, Caroline & Edward were our own kids.

I say, "Poo!" on Gah!

[clarabella]

My brother lived in an apartment in, get this, Charleston, SC, that had a bidet in the bathroom. This was not a necessarily "swanky" apartment, either. In fact, it was one of those very "Charleston" apts that was an eighth of a partitioned house. To my knowledge, it was never used, at least by me, but we used to have a good time giggling over it when we got drunk.
Hope you get more info than that.

[TheLuckyGal]

Like Andrea H, our house had a bidet when we moved in (pretentious prior owner / remodeler) and I wanted to remove it, but just never got around to it. As I understand, the direction you sit on it (ours was at just the right height, actually) depends on which parts you want to douse. It is handy to clean up girly parts in lieu of a bath or shower - in which case you face the opposite way you would on the toilet so you can reach the controls - one for temp (IMPORTANT!) and one for H2O pressure. Adjust the former before you turn up the latter, for the love of god. Pat dry with TP. I was given a squirter bottle after my vaginal delivery (a peri bottle?) - same concept, right? But we mostly kept the water turned off for ours (handy that the shut-off was easily accessible) after an incident at a party when our toddler daughter wanted to show a friend the "fountain" in the bathroom ... So, yeah, then we stuck a pretty peace lily in there and left it off. I don't see what is so "yuck" about a bidet though - it's not as if the parts you clean with it touch anything - they hover. And the water goes right down the drain. So it isn't dirty or anything. Maybe I don't have the same sense of gross as some other commenters?

[babelbabe]

"Bean soup" SLAYED me. Thank you, Patrick.

[Meegan]

Julia, I love your blog so much. I love it so much that I don't usually comment. I love your writing style, I love your references (some of which I get, and some of which, well thank God for Google), I love the way you relate to the world and I totally heart Patrick. I don't comment because I love your blog so much I don't want to sully it with a poorly written comment. But I decided that today is the day to tell you. I don't find you to be a pretentious prat at all. Perhaps occasionally a snooty cow, but hell, aren't we all sometimes? haha.

[Courtney]

I totally had to come read for the bidet comments and it was well worth it. I've always wondered that myself...

[Valerie]

Caroline and Edward are absolutely adorable!!!!
My goodness, that Patrick really cracks me up. My husband and I were in the car as I was reading this post and I read him the part about Patrick and "Baseball??", lol, we both could not stop laughing. Then I read about the "bean soup" and we were both laughing hysterically, I was tearing up from laughing so hard! I love the kid!

[Kimba]

Gah is jealous! Bless her heart...

[Kimba]

Forgot to add...

The rest of your post is fabulous as always! Patrick's hilarious and Caroline and Edward are adorable!

[kellie]

I must say i love your writing and honestly at one time thought you were a bit pretentious but as i've got to "know" you (how weird to say that) i see that you are anything but... i'm still confused about the bidet, but then i had a co-worker draw a picture of and explain what a un-circumsized Penis looked like etc. while pregnant with my son (he is uncircumsized) so i'm a total tool obviously and a CANADIAN at that and we say Math. I'm married to a fellow Canadian with parents right from England and he says pram vs. buggie and condome instead of condom...weird... again love your posts and the pictures of the kids are sooo incredibly cute!

[sarah]

I think that the 'maths' issue gives you the perfect opportunity to explain post-modernism. As a person who also went to college in baltimore in the 1990's, I think it was a requirment that we all be able to 'unpack' before we packed up and moved on!

[DLG in Mich]

Love the baby photos. Please keep 'em coming!

[Whichever]

I´m european, I have a bidet in my bathroom (I used to have one in every bathroom but I needed the space for cabinets ) Like someone said before I find it very useful for the post-coital uses. Also, to rinse my kid´s bottom after the twelve hours nappy she still uses at night.

I really, really love you. I always look forward to read you... congratulations on the job news!

[Helen]

Just a little bit of bidet input. As it were. Ahem.
They are for use after the toilet AND TOILET PAPER(!)has been used in the traditional manner intended. One can then fill 'er up and sit down to wash one's nether regions to give that added sparkly clean sensation. When finished a towel can be used to dry off (just like you would after a shower). They are things of beauty and a joy forever...

[giddy]

I once got food poisoning at a hotel in Moscow, and having a bidet in the bathroom was very helpful because noxious substances could come out of multiple orefices simultaneously, and I didn't even have to have a bucket.......I'm sure bidet users would be horrified at that...but it was a godsend at the time........

Word to the wise: avoid hard-cooked eggs in a boxed dinner......

[Elise]

As only a Minnesotan (or midwestern-ite?) would understand, the comment re: pheasants and pretentiousness has to be the most humorous thing I have read in months. Second only to an article about how "farmers are rich."

[Sarah V.]

Maths is short for mathematics. Which is plural. Or do you talk about 'mathematic' over the pond? (I assume the reason why 'mathematics' is plural is because there's more than one branch of it – algebra, geometry, calculus, statistics, mechanics, probably some others I can't remember – anyway, you get the picture.)

Hardly ever see bidets over here, though, now you come to mention it, I do recall my parents having one when they did a bathroom remodel back in the eighties (since discarded in a further bathroom remodel). I never used it and dismissed it from my mind as being in the general category of Grownup Stuff. Now that you've reminded me – ick. My parents had a *bidet*? I don't even want to think about the question of whether or not either of them ever used it. Anyway, to address your actual question, I don't have a clue about any etiquette involved. Never occurred to me to wonder until now.

[Sarah V.]

Forgot to add: So Patrick and Edward are now in a position to recite that old tongue twister about being a pheasant plucker's son and mean it literally? That's as cool as me actually having an uncle called Bob.

[Monica C.]

I love how you began talking about Patrick's artwork, as if we knew what the hell you were talking about (ok, well, your readers who still have a short-term memory knew, but some of us could use a whole lotta ginkgo if you catch my drift), and then in the next paragraph you gave the back story.

You're one hell of a smart, funny writer (boy, I'm cursing a lot in this comment - sorry). I have been saying this for years (literally) and I am so thrilled that a big magazine now knows it too.