Here Be Heretics

I am torn.

As it so happens I agree that the boys and the dominoes and Patrick and the scene at school was about childhood / exploring power / fumbling around with friendship / ins and outs. Briefly hurtful, maybe, but all very normal. We've had one of the kids over to play; Patrick frequently speaks with affection about the other kid... there is no history of grievance or suggestion that they are consistently ganging up on Patrick (or anyone else in the class) to make him (them) miserable. So my initial conclusion was that they were just being little jerks on Monday. I ended the conversation with Patrick that night by telling him that I think he handled it exactly right: I'm glad he said that they weren't being fair, glad that he repeated his request to join them and glad that when they continued to be mean he went to find someone else to play with. He seemed pleased with my response so I came downstairs to finish what I had been writing and to ask what you thought.   

And this is the part where my current post goes in four different directions, not linear like Escher's staircase but centrifugal like a starburst:

* I do not believe the boys were being deliberate in their decision to use a specific subset of Christian beliefs to hassle Patrick. I mean, I think they were playing odd man out and as far as they were concerned it could have been the No Patricks Club rather than the God Jesus Group. In the comments people presented analogies that included social clumping based upon the color of one's shirt or wearing barrettes. And as far as the boys (the excluders) were concerned it might as well have been. But I do respectfully disagree with the notion that these things are actually analogous. Conformity and acceptance based upon clothing is a very different thing than delineating at religion or - and forgive me, but it is hard not to go here - race. I truly do not believe that the children were intending to be exponentially more hurtful when they decided to play the Christ card but it is more hurtful. As more than one commenter observed, what if we were Jewish and Patrick had been rejected in the same way? Two of the kids in the class sat me down to explain Hinduism (about which I am shockingly ignorant) toward the end of December - how might they have felt? It was (I believe) unintentional but it is still unacceptable. The domino thing was in the classroom during class time with class materials (math, surprisingly; they get to choose activities and the school uses all sorts of games to teach math skills - I feel utterly cheated in my own worksheet-based education) so I think it almost fell under the school's aegis and needed to be corrected there. I believe there is a difference between "you cannot play because you are wearing sandals" and "you cannot play because you are black or Christian or from another country." One is arbitrary and somewhat silly; the others speaks to deeply rooted notions of identity. The intentions are no worse (nor better, but ok) but the possibility for damage is greater. At what point does actual racism or... good heavens, is there even a word for this? secularism? veer off from kids-will-be-kids? I think in the schools it starts at point zero.

Example: Caroline bites Edward because her gums are sore and he keeps putting his fingers in her mouth. She doesn't intend to hurt him but I keep saying no no no no biting until she get it into her little lemon that biting is unacceptable. I don't think the children in Patrick's class had the slightest idea that they were crossing lines. But they were. So I decided that perhaps the whole class could use a gentle reminder about how we treat our friends.           

My plan, without naming names because I don't think that is the point, is to casually mention to the teacher that there has been some hurtful talk concerning religion and exclusion and to suggest that maybe a quick review of the class rules would be in order. She can take it as she will but I assume she will take it well. 

So I think that I handled (or will handle tomorrow) my greater community obligations. This left Patrick to deal with.

* I have finally learned (no doubt through your gentle counsel) to wait until bedtime to discuss anything of importance with Patrick. Since I still had no idea whether he was confiding in me because he wanted my assistance with his school chums or if he was seeking more information on faith or if he just wanted to talk and for me to shut up and listen or maybe he was just seeing how I would react to his newest stimuli and he planned to record his notes later after I leave... sentence too jumbled; must abandon. I didn't know what he wanted from me. So last night I said that I was thinking about talking to his teacher about the fact that Nice Kid et al were not playing very nicely on Monday.

Patrick looked surprised.

"Oh I took care of that already."

"You did?" 

"Yes I already took care of yesterday's accident."

Accident? I think he means incident but ok... "What did you do?"

"Well after morning jobs we were at the table and I said to [Nice Kid] that I thought he was being mean yesterday when he said I couldn't play because of God. He said he was just kidding. And he apologized."

I honestly do not think I have ever been prouder of Patrick in my entire freaking life.

"Great," I said. "I'm glad you two are friends again. I'm proud of you."

"So did you ever believe in God?" Patrick asked.

I was able to cross out Needs Help Negotiating Social Disturbance and circle Wants To Discuss Spirituality, thereby bringing us to yet another jutting arm of this narration.

* My family did not attend church when I was growing up. Well, maybe once or twice we went with my grandparents but it was not a regular occurrence and there was certainly no formalized religious education. Meanwhile, I was a superstitious, easily spooked kid who worried a lot. I slept with two sharpened sticks nailed together in the event of a vampire attack. I spent a lot of time fretting about death. My death, that of my brother, my parents, Katie down the street, the dog... I was anxious about it all. I read a lot and I began to notice that people who had religion in their lives seemed to be a lot more peaceful about the whole death thing than I was. The idea of an omnipotent, kindly-disposed Creator and a corporeal heaven became very appealing to me and I started to tentatively explore how one might go about believing in such things. When I was seven or eight I spent the night at my friend Mandy's house and I saw her wall-hanging (printed with the Now I Lay me Down to Sleep prayer) so I borrowed it (the prayer; not the wall-hanging) to say every night. I thought prayer might be a good place to start and if nothing else it seemed like a way to pass all of the insomnia time that I had been spending worrying. So I prayed, fervently and nightly, that everyone I had ever met would be fine forever. And that was it for religion for a while. Then around fourth grade I decided I wanted to sing and our neighbor sang for her church... not sure how this all transpired but I somehow joined their choir; so my mother dutifully drove me to the Episcopal church every Sunday for months and months. It was pleasant but I never really felt like I belonged to their church. Hey! Maybe because I didn't really belong to their church.

In the meantime my parents would take us every so often to different places of worship, almost like field trips. We attended Quaker meeting (did you know Steve was raised Quaker? bet you didn't see THAT coming did you?) We went with friends to their temple. My father contemplated seeing if we could visit a mosque but since the hostages were still being held in Iran and the closest mosque had a line of protesters ten deep my mother vetoed that outing. When I was fourteen I started dating a Catholic kid and went to Mass with him every so often. Gosh I liked the Catholics. So much so that I kept attending Mass for years and even met with a priest a few times in college to talk about converting. Didn't go anywhere. The priest kept telling me to come back with my fiance for pre-cana and skip the conversion. As many times as I insisted there was no fiance and I was not planning a wedding he just repeated himself. An older fellow, you understand.

In time it fizzled and eventually I came to the conclusion that perhaps being part of a church community just wasn't for me; not in the least because I continued to struggle between my childhood desire to believe in an interventionist deity and my inability to actually do so. I gave up and decided to try to just focus on being a good person. I am still an insomniac. I still worry. I no longer sleep with anti-vampire weaponry. But the habit of saying a prayer every now and then has lingered; mostly just a quick thank you to the universe for everything in my life that makes me happy and the occasional prayer that people I know vaguely (internet people usually) and who are suffering might find peace.

Oh, in case I have never said thank you, the fact that people prayed for me over the years and for the twins when they were in danger of coming early meant a great deal to me. Oh wow, look at that. I am getting weepy all over again just thinking about a comment good kind Terri left saying that she and another chaplain spent one quiet midnight when I was hospitalized sending good thoughts our way.

Back at the rancho hippo, though, Steve makes Nietzsche look like an organizer of church Sunday suppers. I know! A nice Quaker boy like that, too. So when Patrick asked about the tooth fairy the other day I said "Have a little faith, Patrick." Steve said, "Do you want to know what I think?" And I said, "NO!" Patrick said, "You know what, don't tell me. I want my dollar." 

Huh. Well that was more than you ever wanted to know about penguins, as my mother would say.

Anyway, once I sussed out that Patrick is starting to articulate his own quest for understanding faith and religion and the universe and his place in it all I was a little more firm in my footing. I realized that the poor kid knows nothing about any of it (note to self: get library books tomorrow) so I tried to summarize the major religions for him and finally offered to take him to church this weekend. And maybe our friends will let us visit their synagogue later. And we could try a different church after that. See what he thinks.

Patrick held up his hand. I love it when he does this. It is the most quaint, antiquated gesture ever.

"So you know how usually when someone is like two or something? And they tell their parents 'Hi. I believe in God now'? Well, the parents do not rush the child off to church right away. They give it a few days. That's where I am. I am just starting. I am easing into it."

"Oh. OK. Let me know," I said, slightly disappointed because - as I said - I quite like church. "Do you want me to get you some books on religion?"

"Yes," he said.

And thus endeth our third lesson.

* Caroline's word of the day is car.

"Do you want to hear her say car?" I asked my mother. "Caroline! Car! Car, Caroline!"

"Cccccccccaaaaarrrr?" she squawked.

"Oh how cute," my mother said.

"Yes. So anyway..."

"Car?" Caroline repeated like a strangulated parrot. "Car car car car car car?"

She ran around the living room, yelling CAR and then went to get Edward.

"Car," she said.

"Da da dee do dee dee da da," Edward agreed.

They bumbled around like bees in a bottle, Caroline repeating car and Edward pointing at the table where the shoes are kept.

Whoops.

"Sorry. No car. No. Bedtime yes. Car no."

Caroline was confused. But... hadn't I just said... she thought... oh. How disappointing. Edward was annoyed, of course. He is like living with an opera singer: "This is Infamous! We were distinctly promised, my sister and I, a car ride! A ride in the car! CAR! I shall complain! I shall speak to the management! Unhand me! Put me down.... nooooooooo." Then half a minute later he is sound asleep.

Which brings me to photos from Monday (pre-haircut. we got Edward's hair cut. he started to remind me of Andy Gibb on a daily basis and I could no longer handle it) and a series I like to call:

Ninety Seconds With Edward

Pensive

                

Wounded

 

Angry. Really Angry.

Amused

All in a minute and a half. Caroline in contrast (and recent photo notwithstanding) reminds me of that Far Side cartoon, The Many Moods of an Irish Setter. Each picture shows a bug-eyed dog with his tongue hanging out, one labeled 'Happy' the next 'Mad' and a third 'Suicidal.' She has her moments but compared to living with Edward the sea, wine dark and ever-changing; she's as calm as a fruit stand.

PS I wonder sometimes if I should change my blog theme. Less about me and more about... something interesting. Can I explain the blog title by the way? I have been dying to mention this again because it's been years and I always feel like a fool for having julia at julia dot julia forwardslash julia with here be hippogriffs all bracketed. But way back in the day I wrote a "diary" for an online parenting site and they were all identified by first names. When this Australian woman named Liz linked to her web log at typepad one day I thought it was the coolest thing I had ever seen. So I started one and just kept Julia as the title since that was what I had been writing at the other place. And my original banner featured a picture of the fourth chromosome (which is one of the two Steve has affected) and an arrow pointing at the breakpoint with the notation Here Be Hippogriffs. This was a play on the olde tyme maps that cartographers drew to indicate they knew something bad was going on but they were not entirely sure what the fuck it was. Dragons, hippogriffs, riptides. When I got rid of that first banner I was going to ditch the hippogriffs but by that time a few people had linked to me with that name and I thought it would look weird.

And now you know... the rest of the story.

On the strength of the past three posts maybe I could become a religion blogger. Then I could leave thoughtful comments everywhere that begin "As a noted theologian... ." I'd like that. Oh! Maybe I could do a blog into book approach like the Julie and Julia woman, only rather than working my way through a cookbook Patrick and I could do an Around the World's Religions in Eighty Days thing.

Steve has seduced me with his hedonist wiles and I have promised to watch in two seconds the newest episode of Deadliest Catch. WITH an intelligent interest and WITHOUT scorn. Time to go arrange my features into a look of superhuman fascination.

Hope you are well.

Comments

[BethanyWD]

Your mention of your humble online journal writing made me ponder just WHEN and WHERE I started reading your works. Was it way back in the day with iParenting?

OMG, I just aged both of us.

That was three kids ago for you and two kids ago for me. AT LEAST 7 years ago.

And what a long strange trip it's been!

(PS to all the faith/religion/spirituality talk. I was born and raised and remain a Lutheran. That said, I think the best thing we can do for our children is to pass on the idea of critical thinking, even when it comes to religion. Keep it up.)

[Anna]

I so love Patrick's serious discussions. I don't know how I would go in a similar chat but very much hope that in a couple of years my little man is raising the same issues with me.

And Hippogriffs! I have always wondered!

[Carolina]

On the topic of Around the World's Religions in 80 Days, here is a (now defunct) blog on the topic by my totally awesome friend from college: http://fearnotthegods.blogspot.com/

She went around visiting various religious groups/places of worship in New York and blogging about it. It was awesome.

Also, I second the critical thinking comment from the other Lutheran--I'm studying to be a Lutheran pastor, and I worry about finding ways to raise my kids in that tradition and giving them the chance to love it while still making sure they can make their own choices and respect the religious choices of others. God forbid they should ever tell a kid s/he can't play dominoes because of Jesus...ack! It almost makes me not want to be a pastor.

[TeacherMommy]

Please, just continue being Julia, with Hippogriffs attached. I need some Hippogriffs, heretic or no, in my blogging life.

[Morgan S.]

Really, I have said it before, but I really love to read your blog. I find myself using long-dormant Honors AP English reading comprehension skills and THINKING about things when I read your writing. Thanks for your thoughtful and insightful words!

My girls are only 2.5 and 10 months....I can't imagine the days ahead when they ask about religion, etc.

I too was one of those kids that worried about people dying all the time....I well remember those terrifying nights.

[bethany actually]

You know, I always assumed the hippogriffs thing referred to the difficulties you guys had with carrying pregnancies to term! Nice to know the full story though. :-)

Edward the opera singer cracked me up.

[Kristin]

I have to warn you Julia. The questions never end and they just get harder and harder. I think I ran screaming into the night when my oldest started asking questions about theoretical physics before he started 4th grade.

[Not My Mother]

Ah, the explanation of the blog! Really good to know that finally. I always thought it just came with the photo, except that's a gargoyle. So I thought you were maybe just a bit confused in a cute way. Speaking of, did that photo come with the theme or did you choose it? Because it still makes me laugh after all these years.

Also: no no no, don't change your blog. We LIKE hearing about you. If you must, get ANOTHER blog. Yes, that's a good idea, more Julia!

Finally, Patrick is truly awesome and you are right to be damn proud of the kid you raised.

PS. Whenever Dave makes me watch something I'm not interested in I just go to my happy place. I stood for 2 hours in a pub once 'watching' an England/Aussie rugby match and planning my new bookshelves. If he'd let us watch at home I would have been on the net looking them up, but alas, we needed ambience, he said.

[Lisa in Seattle]

God I love your blog. Oh dear, was that a religious reference or a scatalogical reference. Or diety-o-logical reference. In any case, i also just watched episode one of Deadliest Catch (I always want to call it Desperate Catch). While drinking wine. Worlds collide, again! :-)

[Nony Mouse]

Honestly, I prefer you to stay Julia. I too, have been reading since you were pregnant with Patrick (and through all subsequent pregnancies), though I never think of you as a mommy-blogger. Not to insult other mommy-bloggers but I see you as wayyyy more erudite, a cut above if you wish. I like all your references to things in books, even if I only sorta get the reference. And in the photos of Edward, he has your smile! I just noticed that.

[shaynee]

Your entry uncorked an amusing memory about my own early theological questing. I'm similarly from a non-religious family. At some point, a wish for connection with something greater--or perhaps just a desire to cover my backside--led me to create my own "faith" based around...model horses. Yes, the good people of Breyer probably didn't have that one on their radar.

I had this particular red horse and another black one that became the images of, not quite deities, but destructive/protective forces? The red one was always a "bad" horse during play and easily slipped into the role of an equine Satan. And the black one had the most beatific expression--you know, for a horse--and seemed the perfect loving protector. So every night in bed I crafted elaborate supplications to the black horse for health, happiness, etc. for friends and family, and general get-thee-gone wishes for the red one. Hmmm. This makes me appear more insane than usual.

In a any case, I loved this post.

[michelle]

I've been meaning to tell you how much I love your blog, and that I can completely relate to your take on religion. Especially the death and vampire parts (so funny) I never got around to making sharpened sticks though. My son is only 9 weeks so I hope for a bit of a reprieve before I have to tackle that one.

"Not to insult other mommy-bloggers but I see you as wayyyy more erudite, a cut above if you wish." ... could not agree more

All the best

[marian]

Dude! That must have been a whole lot of redbull you drank before sitting down to write that one.

Anyhoo... Perhaps Patrick might find something to interest him in Buddhism (not the American elementary school version in which people are "worshiping" Buddha, which is not the point), but the more sophisticated idea that we can find the answers within ourselves through meditation and contemplation and kindness. The kingdom of heaven is within and all that.

[sinda]

I notice you did NOT ask, but our favorite book about god in these heathenish parts is "What is God" by Etan Boritzer - I can't recommend it highly enough for dealing with the idea of god and religions in a way entirely appropriate to children and to different faiths as well as...well, go read what Amazon says: http://www.amazon.com/What-God-Etan-Boritzer/dp/0920668887

We have most f not all of his other books too - what is Beauty, Love, Funny, Death, Right - I love them.

TW, sounds like you handled it perfectly, as usual!

[Sydnew]

No changing of the blog! You are terrific just as you are.

That said, I do think that way back when I first started reading, I did not care a thing about the infertility-related posts but came back for the occasional cooking-related posts. I don't want you to turn into a food blogger but if you're searching for ideas, most posts about food--even simple stuff--would be fine with me. (I'm worrying now that maybe I'm wrong and maybe there was some other blogger I enjoyed who occasionally included recipes and I have since entirely forgotten her name, which wold be sad. So I hope I'm not just confused and you're not completely puzzled by this...)

[vanessa]

I'm going to make a suggestion that may sound forward, so please forgive me in advance.
I think you might want to take Patrick to a Unitarian Universalist church. Generally, UU churches are extremely good at helping kids understand faith of all kinds, and their focus--especially with kids--is on basic kindness and decency. UUA.org has more info.
P.S. I dont know if I have ever commented before but I have been reading for years and I really love the blog :)

[Toni]

I'm pretty sure I've read every single one of your posts. With this pregnancy, I was in the hospital for 5 days while they forgot that I was there (hyperemesis - important - but not important enough for doctors to tell each other that you are STILL in the freaking hospital).

Anyways, I know I went back to the very beginning. But I feel like another page has just opened since I know the origin of the name.

Thank you and keep writing. :)

[tash]

I feel as though I've been reading your blog since inception (or conception, as it was), and yet have no recollection of the title significance. I think it still applies, beautifully.

Bella will be attending a Quaker school beginning next year and I am simultaneously mortified (being of the Atheist persuasion myself) and overwhelmingly grateful that her introduction to such things will be in this particular milieu. Certainly less awkward than my public-slash-pseudo-Mormon school.

[QoB]

that is one of my favourite Gary Larson cartoons, right up there with "i'm going to the vet to get tutored".

Salon.com has an interesting, thoughtful interview with a biblical scholar (evangelical turned atheist) about faith and literal belief http://www.salon.com/env/atoms_eden/2009/04/03/jesus_interrupted/index.html

also... think your writing is amazing and the blog design should reflect that. maybe a title change isn't necessary, but a redesign could be something to consider.

[Krissa]

Oh oh, his little slick of hair down his forehead is *adorable*. Must be nommed.
Well, I guess not if it's cut off...don't wanna nom baby hair cuttings... :|

[Pam L]

I should have known you'd like Farside too. So much humor and truth in one panel. I send his birthday cards for almost everyone, except maybe my elderly step-mother-in-law, who just wouldn't get them at all, her I send nice cards with flowers.

And what could be more important in a blog than a dialogue about life? We can all relate at some point, right? But I guess it's not really the content but the writing we all appreciate, so I say, write what you want to write about. You will always have an audience.

[Helen]

Your blog is perfect the way it is. Absolutely no need to change it, and the address of it also fine. As for the religion / sleep idea - my husband sleeps within 30 seconds of closing his eyes, and he is definitely not religious. I on the other hand spend the whole night praying, and thus lie awake all the time.

[Megan]

I was the opposite - raised ever-so-religious in a very we're right, you're sadly doomed (but hey, come over here and let us proselytize you!) kind of way. So my children are cheerful heathens and have, with one brief exception that involved the lure of cookies, had no interest in trading their Sunday hike for a Sunday sit-in-a-building. However, perhaps Patrick would like the vague, physicsy-mathsy God Einstein nattered on about?

Or I can offer our personal family deity - Quantos, the God of Quantum probability. The only god who answers the good-people-bad-things question (ans: two sets of odds, that of the number of good people charted against the number of bad things; that of the probability of good people doing something stupid). Only problem with Quantos is I have a feeling the Quantosian Mecca is Las Vegas...

[Sara]

So glad to know about the hippogriffs. I had been wondering about that.

Good luck with the Deadliest Catch. My husband loves it too. Spectacularly boring. Good luck with that intelligent interest.

[T.]

I'm glad to know about the hippogriffs too - and now that I know, I love the title even more. Don't change a thing.

I also want to echo sentiments that you are SO a cut above the rest, not a mommy-blogger. Stay 'Julia'!

Thirdly, I am a great fan of churches and faiths. Just not god. It comes from a background of never going to church, having a father become 'born-again', and then at seven wondering what this god person was and what the fuss was about. Then, I never really could jump on the 'lets's start believing' bandwagon. Although, I do say small prayers occasionally.

Ugh, Deadliest Catch. I really hate Survivorman, because it always ends up being the same show: get dumped somewhere exotic/cold/desertlike, survive by eating gross things and fighting exhaustion, get help. Blagh.

[Jody]

Well, I was one of the "shirts" or "hair color" folks and I thought I was saying you NEEDED to intervene. I was trying to suggest that religious belief doesn't get some special pass because it's "Faith-based." Intolerance and cruelty are never acceptable.

I thought I was saying, if the kids were being casually cruel in any other arena, the teacher would need to remind everyone that this is NOT ACCEPTABLE. And I'm feeling anxious and unhappy now that anyone might have thought the opposite. Which is rather dumb of me. Thank goodness for distracting photos of beautiful toddlers.

[Anna]

Just to explain my reasoning and not to argue because I am one of the shirts and hair color analgous-ists.

At their age, I do believe it is all the same. Faith is a difficult concept for kids to grasp but easy enough to point to as a differentiating social factor. If you were poor and couldn't afford the "right" clothes for Patrick to wear in school, and the kids pointed out that Patrick couldn't play with them because he wasn't wearing the brand new SpongeBob leather racing jacket with orange sleeve stripes, it really would have resulted in the same thing: i.e., a child whose whose feelings have been wounded because he was excluded on the basis of factors beyond his control.

As long as the exclusions weren't derogatory
("Buzz off, Jew Boy") then I place it into the same category of universally socially painful life experiences we all go through.

That said, kudos to how Patrick handled the situation and good to read that you are satisfied with the resolution. :)

[Elizabeth_K]

Is it possible to love a blogger? If so, I love you. That is all --- oh, except, here be hippogriffs explained! Now I feel like part of the in crowd.

[Anna]

Oh, and...

Forgot to put in the tag that regardless, I would definitely have mentioned to the teacher that a couple fo the kids were excluding others and that, as you write, they needed a refresher on how to treat others.

[Hilary]

Fair warning on the religion browsing thing: my parents did the same 'here are the options' thing and I ended up with both a bachelors and a masters in religion. Not only does that lead to odd employment prospects, but I can't talk about what I studied at cocktail parties without breaking Cocktail Party Rules.

That said, I'm very appreciative of how my parents handled it and I am a very well-adjusted agnostic. It sounds like you're handling things marvelously: I'm very impressed, given that this is such a challenging topic to discuss with adults, let alone children.

[SarcastiCarrie]

Respectfully, I request a post-haircut photo. Thank you. That is all.

[uberimma]

If you'd like Patrick to take a shot at Orthodox Judaism, bring him our way. He'll probably be excited by the whole new alphabet.

[Julia]

You know maybe it is just that I'm a lot less self-righteous after midnight, but I am feeling more open minded this morning. Anna, I see your point. Jody, heavens, I always saw yours. I was thinking that although the criterion (criteria?) might feel exactly the same to the excluder; the excludee probably disagrees. I noticed, for example, that all of the comments from people who identified as minorities (someone who practices Hinduism, several of the Jewish faith, an African-American) thought this school incident was A VERY BIG DEAL. I assume it was because issues of race and minority religions do not go away like barrette clubs. However... I don't know. I feel like I could read discussions about it forever, which might be a sign that I need to get out of the house more.

Anyway, this is to say that I did not mean to be quite as dismissive and snotty as I sounded last night. And I am waffling.

[beyond]

i loved reading about your religious background and how your parents introduced you to different churches and religions. that's the best way to do it in my opinion. who wouldn't want to give their kid a broad perspective? thanks for explaining hippogriffs. it's a mythical creature, what's not to like?

[Christiana]

Ok, so I recently read through your entire set of archives (so interesting now that I see "the end" of the story - not that your life or family are at an end, thank goodness, but, well you get it) and I never did get the Hippogriffs thing, so thanks for the explanation!!

I love Bethany's (first commenter) comment that the idea of critical thinking should be taught, espeically with regards to religion! Yay! I am now and have been raised as such a Christian (I guess the term is evangelical Christian? I grew up at a non-denominational school and a non-denominational church, so... I have no title other than Christian), but I hate that so often children are taught simply to parrot back the beliefs of their religion and not taught WHY or "as compared to" or whatever. I believe in faith, but it doesn't have to be blind.

That being said, if you like church, why not go? Many casual churches will be happy to accept your attendance and not ask for much in return, so why not enjoy it and the fellowship periodically? I always feel bad for SAH moms who don't have an outlet like a church group or a book club or whatever to at least have some social interaction regularly. And a lot churches in my area do a free weekly "mother's day out" where they offer free babysitting for a few hours so mom can go have a cup of coffee and visit/go to the grocery store/go get a pedicure whatever. Just a thought.

[Erika]

Oy, the church thing is so hard. I was raised Congregational/UCC (very liberal) and have been church-shopping for a long time (had a great one in our old city, have never been able to find one I like as much). One problem is that the education at many of them is horrible--even the local UCC shows Veggie Tales occasionally. Yuck.. If you have a child who's essentially rational, and she comes out of Sunday school asking how it was that Jesus appeared out of nowhere in a locked room, and how he got holes in his hands, it's hard to know how to answer. We're leaning strongly toward UU, b/c of their reputation for excellent education of all traditions, but I miss some things about the order of service in my more traditional upbringing. But that's my problem, not yours. Anyway, religious education (even educating about different religions) isn't something public schools do very well, if at all, and I think that stuff is really culturally important, so I concur w/ the other poster(s) who suggested you try out UU. OTOH, that means getting out of the house on sunday mornings...

[L.]

I am so impressed both by your off-the-cuff response to Patrick initially and by Patrick's handling of the situation later. I've always been kind of ... socially awkward, and I'm afraid that when my kids come to me with this sort of thing, I'm going to be useless at best, or maybe even make things worse rather than better. So apart from all the other reasons I appreciate your blog, it's a very helpful learning tool, both in teaching me what I might expect, and in giving me a better idea of how to respond to it. Thank you so much for that!

Also, your explanation of Hippogriffs amused me. Since I am not part of the infertility world (except that I read several IF bloggers--'cause there are a lot of damn good ones out there) I came to your blog late, and always figured that everyone else knew the story behind your blog name and it was just me that didn't.

[Mara]

Funny enough, but I first started reading your blog (three years ago, maybe?) BECAUSE of the hippogriff reference... I was a rabid Harry Potter fan before I ever knew that I had fertility problems.

[Jen]

Hi! I'm a long-timer lurker who's coming out of the woodwork long enough to echo other commenters' suggestions of checking out a UU church. The quality of religious education stuff can vary from church to church (like with all denominations), but they often do a good job of helping curious rational kids (and adults!) explore what they believe and expose them to some of the belief systems that are out there. There's even a class that some churches teach called "parents as spiritual guides" that can help with just the kinds of questions you're wrestling with. Plus, UU churches can be good places to meet fun and funky people. My partner and I have been attending our local UU church for years and are excited to have their support as we raise our baby.

Thanks for your intelligent and hilarious take on parenting. I've got a 4-month old and it's fun to have a glimpse of the adventures that are yet to come!

[Jen]

Oh please do not stop writing about you! I love your blog. I always save it for last, like a chocolately dessert.

[Pam L]

My first assumption of Here Be Hippogriffs was also that it was probably Harry Potter or some other literary reference related as I have admitted before I don't always decipher what your titles mean. Often yes, but always, no.

[Casey]

Your first bullet point is well-taken. By me, anyway. I had never mulled it over quite this way, but if you consider that not a lot of families are consciously (or subconsciously) making judgements about people based on hair bows or shirt color, and yet these same families feel very comfortable (or don't even realize that they are) making distinctions between races and religions in front of their children...well, I can see your point, is all. Especially in the context of our history as a nation. (I'm not sure that means what I think it means.)

And as for Patrick's ability to tell it like it is to his friends, I say this. Yes there are TEACHABLE MOMENTS in our lives with children. But the smaller moments, that come and go without fanfare, these are the threads we weave in parenting day-in and day-out. So, it is obvious to me that you've excelled in teaching him well-as you live side-by-side with him-in inconspicuous increments. Perhaps, even, by example. (Which is also why, I believe, you have such model commenters.)

Lastly, glad for the backstory on your site's name. I love it, it makes perfect sense, I wouldn't change a thing. Just keep reminding us every few years, for anyone who hasn't heard. Because it is so you, and better for being so.

[Marsha]

There is a book called "How to be a Perfect Stranger" (or something similar) that is meant for adults, I think, but Patrick might find it nice, a kind of Comparative Religion 101. It aims to help people understand the basic underpinnings of various religions so that when you visit a place of worship or someone's house you don't make an ass of yourself.

Also: The man who preceded the current priest at my church once said that as he looks out into the congregation on Sundays, he's fully aware that about a third actually believes letter and verse on what it is that we're supposed to be talking about, a third perhaps wants to believe but isn't there for whatever reason (but attends for the community, music, comforting routine, etc.) and the final third thinks the whole business is horse hockey (but attends for the community, music, etc., etc., or because parents/spouse/children make it desirable to do so). Then he went on to say that a good number of the last two groups would probably wind in and out of various traditions (or un-) until they found a place where they could be part of the first group. He always said that he was o.k. with it because there was more than one way to participate and, besides, this is why we have prayers specifically disincluding attendance at church as being "proof" of faith (i.e., "those whose faith is known only to You") when it's really just proof that you're available to be somewhere at that time on any given Sunday.

Finally: Quaker? You're right, I'd not have ever predicted that one. Another reason I'd advocate for Philly if you ever do decide to relocate.

[Lisame]

Helen, Thank you for the Quantos, the God of Quantum Probablities, I needed me a diety and that is one is for me! Love!

The greatest gift my mother ever gave me was letting me learn religions. Every summer I went to a new church - usually the denomination of whoever my BFF was that summer. Mom's rules were simple. Go to any summer school you want, but go to that one all summer.

I've learned to love so many people (and the way) and to not judge. Good AND bad everywhere. My mom had catholicism shoved "up her ass" (her words) and she wasn't about to make me hate church the way she does but she wanted me to have faith.

I'm grateful.

[Kelly]

My son was just a tad older than patrick is now when he announced out of the blue "I am a Buddhist" His father and I were fine...stages and discovering yourself and what not...our families, not so much. Our very conservative bible belt suburb? well not so much.

He knows that his parents aren't Buddhist but we support him in figuring it out in whatever way we need to. And he may not always be a Buddhist...who knows.

He finally figured out last year he can be both Christian and Buddhist and now tells people he is both (cue exaggerated looks of horror in conservative bible belt suburbs) but that he has a stronger pull towards Buddhism. He is happy to point out though he is not Jewish like his mother! (although I am not really practicing or believing)

So not that you asked, but it seems like what you are doing is what works for Patrick. So yay!

[rosie_kate]

Don't change a hair of your blog. (Great to know the name story, by the way! Very clever!) Love it, name and all.

[Kelly]

Oh and I echo Kristin the questions don't end and they get harder. Especially the sex ones. No matter what...you still aren't quite ready to sit down and detail that out whenever it starts arising. Some of my more bumbling parenting moments have concerned sex.

[Kelly]

Oh and one more thing...something I like about my kid is that he just doesn't even seem to care about his differences. He has proudly expressed in a room of all Christian children that he is Buddhist. he writes about it in his wee 3rd grade journal and it came up when he was interviewed by the Wall Street Journal and Good Morning America last year for his student council campaign speech, one of his influences he listed was Buddhism and the desire for internal peace. He has told his classmates he meditates during the moment of silence every morning and shared with them the type of meditation he likes.

He is a pretty great kid. And I am often impressed with him more than I would be by myself at that age.

[Amy]

I hope you do not change your theme. I love your blog just the way it is. If you wanted a theme maybe you could occasionally have just a short post on your religious exploration with Patrick?

I was raised in much the same way when it came to church. I was not raised with it and occasionally attended this church or that one. And I still have not yet figured out where I stand on the subject of God and spirituality. However, I am encouraging it in my older son. My MIL goes to a Bible Church and Gabe showed interest, so now he attends Sunday School with her every week.

Also, love the pictures of Edward, he's adorable. And thanks for the explanation of your title, I was curious. Now, for the explanation of your picture?

[Karen O]

You're a Unitarian Universalist (and like so many) you just don't know it.