Here Be Heretics

I am torn.

As it so happens I agree that the boys and the dominoes and Patrick and the scene at school was about childhood / exploring power / fumbling around with friendship / ins and outs. Briefly hurtful, maybe, but all very normal. We've had one of the kids over to play; Patrick frequently speaks with affection about the other kid... there is no history of grievance or suggestion that they are consistently ganging up on Patrick (or anyone else in the class) to make him (them) miserable. So my initial conclusion was that they were just being little jerks on Monday. I ended the conversation with Patrick that night by telling him that I think he handled it exactly right: I'm glad he said that they weren't being fair, glad that he repeated his request to join them and glad that when they continued to be mean he went to find someone else to play with. He seemed pleased with my response so I came downstairs to finish what I had been writing and to ask what you thought.   

And this is the part where my current post goes in four different directions, not linear like Escher's staircase but centrifugal like a starburst:

* I do not believe the boys were being deliberate in their decision to use a specific subset of Christian beliefs to hassle Patrick. I mean, I think they were playing odd man out and as far as they were concerned it could have been the No Patricks Club rather than the God Jesus Group. In the comments people presented analogies that included social clumping based upon the color of one's shirt or wearing barrettes. And as far as the boys (the excluders) were concerned it might as well have been. But I do respectfully disagree with the notion that these things are actually analogous. Conformity and acceptance based upon clothing is a very different thing than delineating at religion or - and forgive me, but it is hard not to go here - race. I truly do not believe that the children were intending to be exponentially more hurtful when they decided to play the Christ card but it is more hurtful. As more than one commenter observed, what if we were Jewish and Patrick had been rejected in the same way? Two of the kids in the class sat me down to explain Hinduism (about which I am shockingly ignorant) toward the end of December - how might they have felt? It was (I believe) unintentional but it is still unacceptable. The domino thing was in the classroom during class time with class materials (math, surprisingly; they get to choose activities and the school uses all sorts of games to teach math skills - I feel utterly cheated in my own worksheet-based education) so I think it almost fell under the school's aegis and needed to be corrected there. I believe there is a difference between "you cannot play because you are wearing sandals" and "you cannot play because you are black or Christian or from another country." One is arbitrary and somewhat silly; the others speaks to deeply rooted notions of identity. The intentions are no worse (nor better, but ok) but the possibility for damage is greater. At what point does actual racism or... good heavens, is there even a word for this? secularism? veer off from kids-will-be-kids? I think in the schools it starts at point zero.

Example: Caroline bites Edward because her gums are sore and he keeps putting his fingers in her mouth. She doesn't intend to hurt him but I keep saying no no no no biting until she get it into her little lemon that biting is unacceptable. I don't think the children in Patrick's class had the slightest idea that they were crossing lines. But they were. So I decided that perhaps the whole class could use a gentle reminder about how we treat our friends.           

My plan, without naming names because I don't think that is the point, is to casually mention to the teacher that there has been some hurtful talk concerning religion and exclusion and to suggest that maybe a quick review of the class rules would be in order. She can take it as she will but I assume she will take it well. 

So I think that I handled (or will handle tomorrow) my greater community obligations. This left Patrick to deal with.

* I have finally learned (no doubt through your gentle counsel) to wait until bedtime to discuss anything of importance with Patrick. Since I still had no idea whether he was confiding in me because he wanted my assistance with his school chums or if he was seeking more information on faith or if he just wanted to talk and for me to shut up and listen or maybe he was just seeing how I would react to his newest stimuli and he planned to record his notes later after I leave... sentence too jumbled; must abandon. I didn't know what he wanted from me. So last night I said that I was thinking about talking to his teacher about the fact that Nice Kid et al were not playing very nicely on Monday.

Patrick looked surprised.

"Oh I took care of that already."

"You did?" 

"Yes I already took care of yesterday's accident."

Accident? I think he means incident but ok... "What did you do?"

"Well after morning jobs we were at the table and I said to [Nice Kid] that I thought he was being mean yesterday when he said I couldn't play because of God. He said he was just kidding. And he apologized."

I honestly do not think I have ever been prouder of Patrick in my entire freaking life.

"Great," I said. "I'm glad you two are friends again. I'm proud of you."

"So did you ever believe in God?" Patrick asked.

I was able to cross out Needs Help Negotiating Social Disturbance and circle Wants To Discuss Spirituality, thereby bringing us to yet another jutting arm of this narration.

* My family did not attend church when I was growing up. Well, maybe once or twice we went with my grandparents but it was not a regular occurrence and there was certainly no formalized religious education. Meanwhile, I was a superstitious, easily spooked kid who worried a lot. I slept with two sharpened sticks nailed together in the event of a vampire attack. I spent a lot of time fretting about death. My death, that of my brother, my parents, Katie down the street, the dog... I was anxious about it all. I read a lot and I began to notice that people who had religion in their lives seemed to be a lot more peaceful about the whole death thing than I was. The idea of an omnipotent, kindly-disposed Creator and a corporeal heaven became very appealing to me and I started to tentatively explore how one might go about believing in such things. When I was seven or eight I spent the night at my friend Mandy's house and I saw her wall-hanging (printed with the Now I Lay me Down to Sleep prayer) so I borrowed it (the prayer; not the wall-hanging) to say every night. I thought prayer might be a good place to start and if nothing else it seemed like a way to pass all of the insomnia time that I had been spending worrying. So I prayed, fervently and nightly, that everyone I had ever met would be fine forever. And that was it for religion for a while. Then around fourth grade I decided I wanted to sing and our neighbor sang for her church... not sure how this all transpired but I somehow joined their choir; so my mother dutifully drove me to the Episcopal church every Sunday for months and months. It was pleasant but I never really felt like I belonged to their church. Hey! Maybe because I didn't really belong to their church.

In the meantime my parents would take us every so often to different places of worship, almost like field trips. We attended Quaker meeting (did you know Steve was raised Quaker? bet you didn't see THAT coming did you?) We went with friends to their temple. My father contemplated seeing if we could visit a mosque but since the hostages were still being held in Iran and the closest mosque had a line of protesters ten deep my mother vetoed that outing. When I was fourteen I started dating a Catholic kid and went to Mass with him every so often. Gosh I liked the Catholics. So much so that I kept attending Mass for years and even met with a priest a few times in college to talk about converting. Didn't go anywhere. The priest kept telling me to come back with my fiance for pre-cana and skip the conversion. As many times as I insisted there was no fiance and I was not planning a wedding he just repeated himself. An older fellow, you understand.

In time it fizzled and eventually I came to the conclusion that perhaps being part of a church community just wasn't for me; not in the least because I continued to struggle between my childhood desire to believe in an interventionist deity and my inability to actually do so. I gave up and decided to try to just focus on being a good person. I am still an insomniac. I still worry. I no longer sleep with anti-vampire weaponry. But the habit of saying a prayer every now and then has lingered; mostly just a quick thank you to the universe for everything in my life that makes me happy and the occasional prayer that people I know vaguely (internet people usually) and who are suffering might find peace.

Oh, in case I have never said thank you, the fact that people prayed for me over the years and for the twins when they were in danger of coming early meant a great deal to me. Oh wow, look at that. I am getting weepy all over again just thinking about a comment good kind Terri left saying that she and another chaplain spent one quiet midnight when I was hospitalized sending good thoughts our way.

Back at the rancho hippo, though, Steve makes Nietzsche look like an organizer of church Sunday suppers. I know! A nice Quaker boy like that, too. So when Patrick asked about the tooth fairy the other day I said "Have a little faith, Patrick." Steve said, "Do you want to know what I think?" And I said, "NO!" Patrick said, "You know what, don't tell me. I want my dollar." 

Huh. Well that was more than you ever wanted to know about penguins, as my mother would say.

Anyway, once I sussed out that Patrick is starting to articulate his own quest for understanding faith and religion and the universe and his place in it all I was a little more firm in my footing. I realized that the poor kid knows nothing about any of it (note to self: get library books tomorrow) so I tried to summarize the major religions for him and finally offered to take him to church this weekend. And maybe our friends will let us visit their synagogue later. And we could try a different church after that. See what he thinks.

Patrick held up his hand. I love it when he does this. It is the most quaint, antiquated gesture ever.

"So you know how usually when someone is like two or something? And they tell their parents 'Hi. I believe in God now'? Well, the parents do not rush the child off to church right away. They give it a few days. That's where I am. I am just starting. I am easing into it."

"Oh. OK. Let me know," I said, slightly disappointed because - as I said - I quite like church. "Do you want me to get you some books on religion?"

"Yes," he said.

And thus endeth our third lesson.

* Caroline's word of the day is car.

"Do you want to hear her say car?" I asked my mother. "Caroline! Car! Car, Caroline!"

"Cccccccccaaaaarrrr?" she squawked.

"Oh how cute," my mother said.

"Yes. So anyway..."

"Car?" Caroline repeated like a strangulated parrot. "Car car car car car car?"

She ran around the living room, yelling CAR and then went to get Edward.

"Car," she said.

"Da da dee do dee dee da da," Edward agreed.

They bumbled around like bees in a bottle, Caroline repeating car and Edward pointing at the table where the shoes are kept.

Whoops.

"Sorry. No car. No. Bedtime yes. Car no."

Caroline was confused. But... hadn't I just said... she thought... oh. How disappointing. Edward was annoyed, of course. He is like living with an opera singer: "This is Infamous! We were distinctly promised, my sister and I, a car ride! A ride in the car! CAR! I shall complain! I shall speak to the management! Unhand me! Put me down.... nooooooooo." Then half a minute later he is sound asleep.

Which brings me to photos from Monday (pre-haircut. we got Edward's hair cut. he started to remind me of Andy Gibb on a daily basis and I could no longer handle it) and a series I like to call:

Ninety Seconds With Edward

Pensive

                

Wounded

 

Angry. Really Angry.

Amused

All in a minute and a half. Caroline in contrast (and recent photo notwithstanding) reminds me of that Far Side cartoon, The Many Moods of an Irish Setter. Each picture shows a bug-eyed dog with his tongue hanging out, one labeled 'Happy' the next 'Mad' and a third 'Suicidal.' She has her moments but compared to living with Edward the sea, wine dark and ever-changing; she's as calm as a fruit stand.

PS I wonder sometimes if I should change my blog theme. Less about me and more about... something interesting. Can I explain the blog title by the way? I have been dying to mention this again because it's been years and I always feel like a fool for having julia at julia dot julia forwardslash julia with here be hippogriffs all bracketed. But way back in the day I wrote a "diary" for an online parenting site and they were all identified by first names. When this Australian woman named Liz linked to her web log at typepad one day I thought it was the coolest thing I had ever seen. So I started one and just kept Julia as the title since that was what I had been writing at the other place. And my original banner featured a picture of the fourth chromosome (which is one of the two Steve has affected) and an arrow pointing at the breakpoint with the notation Here Be Hippogriffs. This was a play on the olde tyme maps that cartographers drew to indicate they knew something bad was going on but they were not entirely sure what the fuck it was. Dragons, hippogriffs, riptides. When I got rid of that first banner I was going to ditch the hippogriffs but by that time a few people had linked to me with that name and I thought it would look weird.

And now you know... the rest of the story.

On the strength of the past three posts maybe I could become a religion blogger. Then I could leave thoughtful comments everywhere that begin "As a noted theologian... ." I'd like that. Oh! Maybe I could do a blog into book approach like the Julie and Julia woman, only rather than working my way through a cookbook Patrick and I could do an Around the World's Religions in Eighty Days thing.

Steve has seduced me with his hedonist wiles and I have promised to watch in two seconds the newest episode of Deadliest Catch. WITH an intelligent interest and WITHOUT scorn. Time to go arrange my features into a look of superhuman fascination.

Hope you are well.

Comments

[Katherine]

Love love love your blog. Uniquely & perfectly Julia. Bravo on your discourse re the school situation. Lots of "not wrong" ways to respond and handle; yours seems to me to be just fine.

FWIT, my Southern Baptist mom & Christian Science dad joined a Presbyterian church, which we attended sporadically. After my divorce, I joined a UCC church (quite liberal). Upon my new marriage, I joined his Wisconsin Evangelical Lutheran Synod church (quite fundamental). Together we switched to an ELCA Lutheran church (they have female pastors and currently lots of discourse re homosexual pastors & gay marriage--fun!). I hope that Patrick's (and the Twinks') exploration of things religious is as satisfying as mine has been. God (and not-god) is big enough to deal with all of us and our multitude of needs and points of view.

[LMM]

God! (and I mean that as an exclamation only, nothing to do with the religion discussion)
What is with men and Deadliest Catch? I just do not get it. At all. My husband knows there had better be a good wine nearby if I'm expected to watch...and then he gets perturbed if I read a book or magazine while I should be watching.
Talk about a religion.

[Jess]

I seem to have accidentally imagined Edward's diatribe regarding car rides spoken in the voice of Stewie Griffin.

[lulu]

Love your blog-thanks for keeping it up!

I was raised catholic. when i was 8 I decided i couldn't be catholic anymore b/c the nicest girl in my class(really, just very sweet to everyone but also very independent)--the one who went out of her way to befriend me, the shy new girl told me her family didn't believe in god. I thought about how the religion i'd been raised in would say they were going to hell if they didn;t believe in Jesus and realized that just could not be right. I refused to get confirmed when I was 16 and have been happily non religious ever since. My husband was raised southern baptist, but in a very liberal family. We don;t go to church, but now that we have two children and a lot of our progressive friends in our progressive little town attend UU services, we may give it a try to be a part of a community where our daughter can explore religion/spirituality, etc in a way we are comfortable with.

One other thing.I always thought uu was some sort of new agey hippy thing, but it's been around for a while and during WWII was active in helping people escape from Nazi germany. When we are able to get out of the house all togetehr before ten am (we have a newborn now) we will be checking it out.

[Jan]

I also figured hippogriffs referred to unknowns on your fertility map, but it can now just as easily refer to the strange little uncharted or revisited waters of raising a family. Like... talking about religion. Although the photo is of a gargoyle, it always makes me think of Cronos devouring his children. As for the content, more about you and life. Really, as I wrote once before, you are like Jane Austen commenting from the Mall of America.

[Kira]

THANK YOU for the explination r.e hippogriffs. I have wondered for ages, and am now at rest.

[terri c]

Your points as always very well taken! Actually by the time I was in about 3rd grade teams would fight to have me on their side. Why? Because I was so spectacularly physically inept that the team that took me was automatically awarded the best player in the class, just to try to even things out. LOVE the photos of Edward, goodness he is steely when "very angry." Wonderful! I think you should start Patrick out with historical criticism from the get-go, he will never be happy with Children's Bible Stories. I myself cannot do the UU thing at all as I think there is a tendency to gloss over some very important differences. That said, it works wonderfully well for the people it works for--just like all traditions do. For comic relief for you and Steve I recommend reading "Salvation on the Small Screen" by Nadia Bolz-Weber, available from amazon.com. I re-read it during Holy Week to re-ground myself spiritually and if you look at the book that statement will make you laugh hysterically. Love your blog and always will!

[CA]

Please don't change anything, I love hearing about you, your life, your kids. And very most of all, Patrick. What a neat, neat kid. I adore him. Keep it comin.

[Cadence Daly]

My knee-jerk reaction is to whine "No, Julia, don't change your blog, I love it just the way it is." But then it occurs to me that if you are really itching to do something different, you should figure out what it is and "Just do it" . You shouldn't feel you are stuck doing what you've always done on this blog, especially if you're drawn to trying something new. We all change, and there's nothing quite so American as the idea of reinventing ourselves. (Insert Gatsby reference here.)

Whatever you do, I know you'll do it with wit and flair, and much more erudition than 99% of all the other bloggers in the world, and I will continue to read and enjoy your musings, whatever flavor they come in.

And thanks for the hippogriffs explanation! It is so much better than any of the possible meanings I ever theorized.

[Erin]

I've been reading your blog for a long time. I can't even remember how I found it..but it was completely random and I've been hooked ever since. I'm now 23 and weeks away from having my first child (a daughter!) and just everything that I have read from you and from the commentators has made me feel incredibly happy for whatever random occurrence threw me your way.

As to the religion thing, I think I am more like you in the whole being open-minded and window-shopping of different faiths without really settling into one. However, my husband's family are all Baptists and they are already mentioning things like how sad it will be to have Lily not believe in Jesus and that I should consider taking her to Sunday school so she can learn the right values. So it's not just children that have the potential to stir up the religious questions and what-not. Either way, I think that I will find your lesson with Patrick very helpful down the line.

Keep up the awesome posts - hippogriffs and all!

[Jane]

Ahem...I was the first to mention going to a Unitarian Church on your previous post. See? My daughter used to go a Web site for "atheist moms" (now she has four kids and NO TIME) and she found it helpful. Her oldest son has had a bit of the old you're-going-to-hell business. I asked him what he said when someone tells him that and he said, "I just go 'hmmmm.'"

We're all very happy non-believers in my family-me, husband, daughters, sons-in-law, brother, sister. Like Mark Twain said, "Heaven for the weather; hell for the company."

[ecky]

patrick is amazing.
to be able to tell the boy at school how he was feeling - all on his own - AMAZING!
i am thoroughly impressed.
i can't even do that myself sometimes.
i think of how differently some parts of school might have been if i had had the gumption to stand up for myself.
a big high five from me to patrick!!
you did good!!!

[kata]

I loved this post so much. I'm sort of where you are regarding religion, and had been wondering how I'll approach the issue with my daughter (in several year's time, but one can't begin worrying soon enough) - and you just described how.

Your post also reminded me of something - when my brother was about five, someone told him that he won't go to heaven after he dies because he doesn't believe in god. Really scared him too. Finally, he told our parents about it and, before launching into a lengthier discussion, my father said, well, wouldn't you rather come with us?

My brother might have been young but he got the point right away: you can't decide who is or is not a good person based on their privately held beliefs.

[Esther]

Please don't change your blog! I love it, because it's like I'm sitting on the couch, having a fun chat with a friend. Stay Julia!

[unexplained]

Please please please don't change Julia. I adore you just the way you are. I don't know how long I've been following you but I know I found you. The Chronicle of Higher Education had an article about academics who blog, and mentioned... oh, what's her name.. Emma Jane Maple. From her blogroll I found Getupgrrl, and through Getupgrrl I found you and Julie and Tertia and Cecily... what a lifeline it was for me. At that point we'd been trying to conceive for over a year and had had all the tests, including exploratory surgery for me, with no answers. It was an awful time and I was so alone, and then I found this community... I still read you and Julie because you are exquisite writers. Don't ever change, unless it's to be more of you :).

[TwennyTwo]

Hi! Haven't read a single comment. Just wanted to say this:

First, I teach preschool. At a religious school. Where 99% of the children are of the same (minority)religion, and the rest have 2 religious heritages. So, I think your plan for handling this at the school is a good one.

Second: feel free to take him to Buddhist temples, Hindu temples, and mosques as well. I didn't get that exposure until late in college- when I had already converted from Christianity. I'd've loved to have explored it earlier.

Third: Thank what/whomever you will that you have a child who has taken your training and actually TELLS YOU WHAT HE NEEDS. This? Is not something you can say of the rank and file kid.

Stay encouraged! I'll pray for y'all as requested.

[CathyY]

No, no, noooo do not change a THING about your blog! After all these years, yours is the only one I read regularly. Your writing is such a delight. I remember being so bummed after my son's newborn period bc I missed so many posts.

And since I'm typing, can I just say your children (family!) are just beautiful!

Annnd, do you not hate that ball popper toy behind Edward? Ours is stuffed in the closet, waiting for the next Goodwill haul. Hate it. Could it be louder? I think not.

[Christine]

I believe that Far Side cartoon was of a Golden Retriever. Specifically, I believe it was of my Golden Retriever.

I've got nothing on the religion front. Spent too much time in Catholic school, attending mass, and counting how many of the teachers had felt up my classmates. We are welcome to explore spirituality in our house. Organized religion is out.

[Pam L]

Oh yeah, the ball popper toy. It was a gag baby gift in our family. One , at that point, childless couple sent one to my son so I made sure to return the favor when they had their first. Hah!

[Constantina]

I just got here...late on the scene, apparently, as the 69 comments indicate. But I'd like to say I'm so happy to have found you. That was a lovely, considered, well-written, important [blahty-blah, ad nauseum] post. And good parenting, too...

Also I'm always happy to find Jack Quakers (to borrow a term from the Mormons.)

I shall be lurking henceforward.

[momdotcom]

Julia, I am delurking for the first time with this blog. I have read you faithfully for a few years now. I must tell you now how absolutely fabulous I think you are. You are a fantastic writer, and I am sure that if we lived in the same town we would get along famously. This post had me laughing because I felt like you were describing my childhood and my quest for religion. Sounds like we tried many of the same things along the way. Anyhow, your babies are so delicious I want to eat them with a spoon! Have a great day.

[Joan]

I wasn't sure if I should comment on this, but what the heck. I started going to church with our kids (United Church of Christ - basically the left wing of mainstream Protestantism) in part to help answer the questions they asked and in part because of what my husband and I think of as the inoculation approach to religion, so that they wouldn't become religious fanatics when they grew up. (Their greatest rebellion against their father would have been to become priests.) As it turns out, the son of some friends who was raised without religion did just that, so maybe our theory worked. I found somewhat to my surprise that church provided me with a time of respite from my usual frantic pace, a chance to hear beautiful music, information and support when I was struggling with some difficult issues with my aging parents, and a way to participate in my local community in meaningful ways (food drives, etc.). It also gave our kids a grounding in the values we wanted them to learn - even though they, like Patrick, are hardly the type to just accept what people tell them. As a wise minister once told me, good Christians are people who go to church not because they have the right answers, but because they're asking the right questions.
When we moved we joined a Presbyterian church, mostly because the nearest UCC church was a ways away; it's not quite as left-wing but has appealing aspects of highly educated ministers (they take Greek and Hebrew so really know how to read the Bible) and well-thought out governance. (You see the Presbyterian influence on the US constitution and vice versa.) I was particularly glad to have them involved in church at least a little when they were in HS. And now that they're grown I continue to find that same sense of peace and community.

[Leandra]

You know, I was one of the ones who said Patrick's exclusion based on God/no-God was no different than exclusion based on the color of one's shirt/shoes, but after reading your explanation I can now see that I was wrong. You're right, it is different.

[llcsis]

At every blog entry I feel the need to say I'm so freaking glad you write and that you have such amazing readers who write too. I sniffle & gush with gratitude at all your existences (s?) because it proves I can't be completely nuts if we all seem to have the same reasonable (to us) mindsets, regardless of our differences. Did that make sense?

[Michelle H.]

My evil husband got me hooked on Deadliest Catch during the first season, and I have watched religiously ever since. (Ha ha, see how I tied into the religous theme? Genius!) After mocking him endlessly for wasting his time watching a bunch of toothless guys cuss and catch crab, needless to say I was shocked to actually start liking it.

I do draw the line at the two logging shows he watches - BORING!

[Ali P]

Just catching up. Never commented before, but follow you devotedly. This line made me laugh and laugh and laugh: "Steve makes Nietzsche look like an organizer of church Sunday suppers". I have a little boy just a couple of weeks younger than your twins, and I love hearing about your family, but I would enjoy reading you whatever you wrote about, as long as you keep coming out with lines like that.

[Amy]

Love your blog, love your family, love you. So smart, so funny, so real, so clever - it's just a pleasure to read your posts. AND I get to exercise my brain and think in a whole new way too. Just wanted to toss that out there - thanks for writing!!

[Margie]

I remember the chromosome map. I guess it has been a while.

[Polly Wog]

I love reading your blog, Julia, for many reasons. A small one is that I miss the Twin Cities, where I lived from 2002-2006 (had to move away for my job). While I was there I lived in South Minneapolis, and attended a great little church on Minnehaha Parkway, called St. James on the Parkway. It's an Episcopal Church, with a congregation hailing from all sorts of backgrounds. Very friendly, and very kid friendly.