Poor Dear Silly Spring

Spring!

At last Caroline and Edward are able to go outside and gnaw on dirty rocks collected in their natural habitat rather than picked off the mud room floor. Turkeys are yet again treating our backyard like Woodstock. Steve can finally rake up all those dead leaves that somehow don't fall in Minnesota until after the snow starts. And Patrick is able to spend his afternoons alternating between the stalking of deer and the digging of worms.

Yesterday Patrick tiptoed up the hill towards a particularly blasé white-tail. As he crept along he held up a large branch - all Birnam Wood - a camouflaging technique only marginally offset by the fact that he was wearing a tie-dyed shirt that ranged from scarlet to bright blue and passed through lemon yellow and emerald green. Oh, and no matter how carefully he placed his steps he still sounded like a bowling ball crashing through fifteen glass shelves. You go, Chingachgook. Needless to say he was not able to pet the deer as intended but I was surprised by how close he got. Within forty feet maybe. One of these days I am going to find a deer curled up on the foot of our bed. Shameless creatures.

Edward and Caroline go bananas when the deer show up outside the window. Like, fifty million times a day.

"DEE!" they shout and pound on the glass. "DEE-ur! DEE DEE!"

In recognition of their budding interest in Nature my mother brought Caroline a stuffed toy deer when she came to visit and she brought Edward a toy gun. No. I'm kidding. She brought Edward an electronic alphabet board; a purchase she agonized over beforehand, wondering if she needed to buy two boards. You know, one for each twin.

"Oh heavens no," I said. "They can share."

So my mom came and she brought the deer and the board. And Edward took the board and liked it. And Caroline dutifully gave the deer hugs and kisses but often forgot about it, leaving it stuffed under the couch or head-first down the ball popper thing. Then one day Edward became wildly attached to the deer. He carried it with him everywhere and could not be parted from it. And although Caroline did not seem to care that Eddybear had bogarted her stuffed animal this didn't seem quite fair to me. So I called my mother and asked if the place where she had purchased the deer might have another just like it?

Three days later a small package arrived, and now

Edward has TWO deer. Eardeer and Legdeer, so named (by me) because he always carries one by the ear and the other by the, well, you know.

"Should I send another one for Caroline?" my well-meaning mother asked.

"No, I really don't think Edward needs three," I said.

You can understand, though, why Caroline steals stuff from him just to hide it. He needs a bit of a lesson in meum vs tuum.

As I mentioned, I started catching myself halfway through How Deep is Your Love on a daily basis so we decided to get Edward's haircut. Immediately afterwards I was contrite because I had apparently destroyed his curls forever, and doesn't he look reproachful?

 

But a bath and a night of bedhead (cribhead) and we were back in curls. I'll just link this picture since the post is going to be even longer than the last one if I don't start showing some restraint every now and then.

Speaking of curls both desirable and un- remember when Caroline and Edward were born and all my hair fell out? And you said oh yes that is perfectly normal? And I said ok but it looks really stupid, particularly around the hairline? And you said just wait until it partially grows back in and you have four inches of hair sticking out around your face - then you will REALLY look stupid? Remember when you said that?

Well, I now have four to five inches of insanely curly hair sticking out all over my scalp and guess what? It looks REALLY stupid. Steve is particularly fond of mocking the curly horn-like things that protrude from each temple. I need to take steps. Summer is never kind to me under the best of circumstances and this is ridiculous. However, I got my hair straightened a couple of years ago and it was tremendously refreshing for the three whole weeks it lasted. I mentioned this at the time and some nice person said oh honey you cannot get the flower merchants at Aveda to actually straighten your hair; you need CHEMICALS.

So what gives? Any thoughts on straightening one's hair with extreme prejudice? I don't mind having wavy/curly hair; quite like it, usually. But the Bozo inspired hair cloche must go.

Back to Patrick in the springtime and two tupperware stories (and by tupperware, I mean plastic storage containers with lids - probably in truth made by rubbermaid, a la kleenex for facial tissue:)

When he is not watching deer leap nimbly away from him, Patrick has been assiduously collecting worms for anticipated fishing expeditions down at the creek (not our creek; the neighbors' - if we had a creek it would be very pretty but I would worry more or less constantly about short person drowning risk. I roll like that.) I pointed out that the fishing opener is still weeks away and it is unlikely that the worms are going to survive that long.

Patrick said, "Well, we eat turkey and that's dead. The fish won't care."

Somehow this put me off both turkey and fish. And worms.

"Besides, I like to dig them up."

Which, ok, I suppose. A harmless enough childhood indulgence. But with this new no-limit worm philosophy the jelly jar I had given him seemed insufficient for collection purposes. Or so he informed me when I answered his polite knock at the door.

"Would you get me a tupperware container please?"

"OK," I said and started to walk toward my stash. "Wait. Why?"

"I need it for my worms."

"No," I said. "Use the jar I gave you."

"It's not big enough. Please? Just give me one of your tupperware containers. You have a billion of them."

And this is where I think I fail as a parent. Rather than starch my spine and repeat my original refusal, I waver. Because I DO have a billion of them. And Patrick can tell that I am wavering and every single time he goes in for the kill.

"Have you EVER used all of those containers at the same time?"

"Well no."

"So you always have at least one free?"

"Well I suppose."

"Give me that one then."

What's a sucker with a billion tupperware containers and no debating skills to do? I wrote WORMS on it first, though. In permanent marker. I only hope I remember later that this wasn't just a euphemism for something edible.

I once read that a joke is anything that builds to one expectation and delivers on another. This seemed very apt to me and has gone a long way toward explaining why I - and I alone in the universe - find Steve so incredibly funny. His humor always comes out of nowhere and it never fails to startle me into laughing. Because technically he is not a funny person. Really. And yet...

Last night Steve was cleaning the kitchen. He got to one of my billion tupperware containers that I had filled with leftovers.

"Does this have a lid?" he asked.

"Yeah," I said. "It was on the counter."

"Oh, then I have put its lid in the dishwasher already."

And he stood there.

"Get another lid from the cupboard," I suggested. Like, duh.

"Julia!" he said with just the right amount of censure. "They mate for LIFE!"

I literally (can I say literally if I am writing it?) sat down on the floor and cried with laughter.

I took Caroline and Edward outside to play yesterday. After about five minutes I realized they were going to get charbroiled without adequate sun protection. So I screamed STEEEEEEEVEEEE! a couple of times and he finally appeared on the porch. I did a pantomime indicating that the children needed hats and sunscreen. He disappeared and finally emerged.

Thusly.

Hats for all. It occurs to me that neither of these things are probably as funny to you as they were to me. Without the expectation - Steve with his pretty face and his broadcaster voice and his steadfast ability to deliver a monotone lecture on wild mushrooms until an entire dinner party curls up like so many potato bugs and whimpers - the silly must fail to deliver. Oh well.

When I pointed out that Caroline's hat should be smaller on him he said, "It IS small."

I just shook my normal-sized coconut in pity.   

Comments

[Kristi]

Oh my gawd, I really enjoyed that post :) Patrick is awesome. The pictures are adorable. The last photo is priceless.

[cursingmama]

It just struck me - there must be some place close by where Patrick could pet deer. I thought maybe Dodge Nature Center, but the closest they appear to come is a burrow; Patrick would clearly know the difference.

[Chi-An]

Ha! You want to hear about a husband with a small head? My son has been able to wear Daddy's glasses since he was three, and they fit just fine across the face (still slightly long in the earpiece). Now THAT's a husband with a small head. Love the deer story. Fabulous pictures. Kiss kiss.

[Courtney]

I really love your blog. I don't even have kids, but yours sound like so much fun and I love your delivery!

Steve sounds very much so like my husband. He has the wackiest sense of humor. Keeps me on my toes, I tell ya.

[Becky]

My kids have satellites for heads. Honestly, they look like oranges stuck on toothpicks. And yet I have a baseball for a head.

Genetics, they are weird.

[Alexis]

As small as Steve's head is, my FI's is just as big. It's to the point where he needs the equivalent to a 2X in hats (which are really hard to find). At least Steve is not at a loss for hats. *snort*

[another Julia]

I am deep in the throes of postpartum hair loss right now as my daughter passes the 4-month mark. Blech... Such huge quantities of hair everywhere! I am surprised I am not bald.

Anyway, I know you are a long-hair person, but have you considered a haircut as a way to deal with your new growth issues? I am a fellow curly-haired person and I know I would much prefer to cut my hair somewhere between shoulder length and chin length than to straighten it. Much healthier for your hair, less expensive, more natural, and a more permanent fix to the problem (uneven growth) to boot.

[Carla Hinkle]

I have no idea about hair straightening ...

The kids are adorable, as usual and ...

My GOD you really do live in the middle of nowhere, don't you? That's like a Little House in the Big Woods homestead you are rockin'.

[beyond]

it's so cool that you live in a place where patrick can stalk deer! they mate for life? that was laugh out loud funny! i would not put chemicals in my hair, but that's just me

[Anne]

I too love your blog.
Suggestion: Write WORMS, in permanent marker, on the matching lid also.
Okay, I was just thinking, "Who would share my joy in the opening line in that letter to the editor in this morning's local paper?" and maybe you'll appreciate it as much as I did.
Letter begins, "As an invertebrate biologist, I was naturally delighted to see The Herald's page on jellies in Sunday's paper, April 19 . .. "
Perhaps Patrick is a future invertebrate biologist. (There MUST be another way to say that, right?)

[Helen]

The picture of Edward and the two toys is great! Do your kids try to bring in all the rocks from outside? My 2 year old son has started to be interested in them and is starting to amass a collection inside the house. I'm not sure how to react to it. A rock collection for a 2 year old? I would be squeamish about the worm collection. You are such an awesome mom.

[Kate]

I absolutely love to put chemicals in my hair (no seriously - changing my hair color is a great past time) but as it is already straight, I don't have any pointers on straightening.
The lids in my tupperware drawer seem to be very promiscuous. In fact, given that we have 2 very slightly different sandwich sized containers, some of them end up 'mating' with lids that don't quite fit. There's a love lesson in that somewhere.
I've been reading you for a couple of years now and I've always wanted to comment on a post from long ago. In it you said that you bit Steve during a fight and I always wanted to say that I found your admission hilarous.

[Plumwin]

Re: hair. I have insanely curly hair a la Shirley Temple that I have hated my whole life. I know, I know...people would kill for this blah, blah...I've heard it all. Anyway, I finally found a great stylist a few years back that gives me a perm with giant rollers! It gives me wavy, loose curls and does not damage my hair at all. I've been doing it for years and love it. When I tell people I'm getting a perm they still balk though like why would you do that?

[mem]

Your blog is amazingly funny! Steve sounds like he has "a touch of the Asperger's" as we say around my house!

[terri c]

Wonderful post and photos. Steve IS funny. "Mate for life..." I love it.

[Olivia]

All I will say re: straightening is that straight hair will not necessarily solve your hair problem. I have straight hair and am currently sporting a lovely halo of 2-3 inch hairs that stick straight up. Pretty soon I'll have 80's bangs like I always wanted.

[Cris]

You guys are hysterical. Too bad you live in the middle of nowhere (although good for your kids, since they enjoy the deer). I was just thinking about hair loss/gain this morning. I am about a minute and a half pregnant with #2 and thought, "How nice, my hair will soon be fuller and more lustrous." Then I proceeded to pull out a ton while I showered. I guess the lustor will have to wait.

[Bianca]

Is that your house in the background of the Steve picture, or just a large shed?

The deer in California will get really, REALLY close. Once, when I was briefly living in Colorado I had to literally suck in my stomach to squeeze past a lady and gentleman deer (with like a RACK on his head) that were resting RIGHT OUTSIDE MY FRONT DOOR.

Those twins of yours are so adorable. Really, they could not be cuter.

[Sally]

Have you heard of Japanese Hair Straightening, which I've always wanted to get but it cost around, well, a lot? Yeah, you want that. I have hair that hates me - all the C's - curly, crazy, crabby, cranky, kinky (SHOULD be a C word) hair. It just generally points to every house in town when humidity rises above 11%. So it's where they put chemicals in the hair, then iron it, then somehow magically is transformed into S hair - that straight silky shiney smooth (and silky, did I say silky?) hair that we think of when we think of "Asian Hair". It was on Oprah, where all the good hair ideas come from, and it's permanent - like 6 months permanent. If you get it I'll secretly hate you but gosh it sounds nice.

[Lizzie]

Wow--your posting hit on many themes from my last three years. The "oh shit--what was I thinking?" realization that I had an 18 month old and was moving to a house in the country with both pond and pool. (And I threatened her so much that when my father died unexpectedly, she asked "did he go in the pool by himself?") The wild turkeys. (Our first Thanksgiving here, when her aunt called for the kids to come see the turkey, only mine headed to the patio door.) The endless, endless deer. (Daughter--newly five--and her friends won a snowman contest this year with a fearless use of deer poop.) Even Woodstock...we leave about half an hour away and go there for the park. First time daughter heard the Joni Mitchell song she was incredulous...and wondered if every town had a song.

I love, love, love your blog! Oh, and the two year old rock collection box lived in the garage. (Still does.) We have a particularly fine collection of asphalt pieces.

[Casey]

I married my husband for his small head (on my side, we grow watermelons on our necks). Unfortunately, his genetics never won out over mine in that department, and two kids later, natural deliveries...well, you do the math.

And, yes, I think Steve is funny. I get it. In fact, his tupperware lid remark reminds me of something my husband said that still makes me laugh. It was around Christmas, and we were living in a small-ish apartment, with a tiiiiiny kitchen. On the only kitchen wall was a spice rack. Nestled upon one of the levels of the spice rack was something I had received as a gift called a "Button Chef." (Imagine a funny looking little chef with buttons strung flat-sides together to form arms and legs. She could fit in the palm of your hand.)

Anywho, as we were making dinner together, out of nowhere the button chef fell to the floor, making quite a clatter (what with all the buttons). After a pause my husband said gravely, "Well, I guess the holidays are hard for some people."

I thought it was hysterical.

[Erica]

All Patrick may need to do to get closer to the deer is bring them flowers - tulips and asiatic lilies to be exact. Every year, I wage war. Every year I end up with 2" stems. But this year I'm breaking out the bird nets. My flowers are no further than 4' from my patio door and two very curious cats, btw.

And since he loves worms so much, how about a compost barrel? He can dig to his hearts content and they'll be useful even not when providing fishy food.

[Heather P.]

The picture of Edward looking up from the toy bin, that look-well he's going to be a heartbreaker!!
As for precious Patrick, he really needs to grow up and be a mediator, or maybe a hostage negotiator. He's just so precious!

[Chris]

Cause we're living in a world of truth....

Listen, permanent marker washes off tupperware/rubermade/gladware in the dishwasher. K.

[Alexicographer]

Actually, I LOL at Steve's tupperware comment, though I didn't sit on the floor, I must admit.

@Helen I have managed to convince my 2y.o. that "rocks stay outside" and to tell him to "put the rock on the table [right outside the door before you come inside]." It may be too late for you, and no doubt one day my son will learn that some children do have indoor rock collections, but I think if you just tell them how things are in a matter-of-fact voice at this age it can work ...

Though clearly not if, e.g., Julia were to tell Edward that one of the deer belongs to Caroline. So there are limits, I gues...

[LB]

Spring and tupperware. OF COURSE they mate for life. Steve is awesome and I hope - though I'm sure you do - tell him. So are you, of course (awesome, I mean). This post has giggled me into a semi-drunk comment. So there.

Yours, a long-time stalker and admirer,
LB

[surcey]

It seems as if you are blogging up a storm lately, and I love it!

[Susan]

I had stick straight hair until I had my son and actually used to perm it to have curls. Now, I have waves and curls and sometimes they go every which way and sometimes they cooperate and don't. When it bugs me a lot, I straighten it with a flatiron. It usually stays straight until I wash it again.

[Sylvie]

For the hair, go with Xtenso from LOreal. I had it done in a salon and it is great. It is a very natural straightener, no heat at all and limited chemicals. I have wavy hair, lots of frizz and it has just calmed it down completely. Lasts 6 months minimum, though I haven't done it for over a year and am still happy with the results. Haven't lost the wave but don't have to deal with the chaos.

[Elsha]

I laughed out loud at the mate for life comment. I know what you mean though; my husband and I often comment that it's a good thing we're married because nobody else finds us quite as amusing as we find each other.

[Michelle]

I LOVE the deer.

I just love that he holds one by the ear and one by the leg. Your kids are so funny, you should write a children's book! They'd be great characters.

[TeacherMommy]

Are you kidding? I lolled!

You are aware of how abso-frickin-lutely ADORABLE your kids are, right? Right?

[Rachel]

Steve's comment (and your delivery) was priceless.

Here's mine.

Flash backwards. Our babysitter was here was a whomping total of 3 hours, during broad daylight, and on a beautiful spring day.

Later, after inquiring with my son about his day, I learned that they "watched lots and lots and lots of Caillou today, Mama!".

Now, I share your sentiments about babysitters, their primary responsibility should be that the children are all alive and healthy when I return, but still - it wouldn't have killed her to take a walk.

In any case, I mention my peevishness to my husband.

Flash forward, said babysitter is returning for another stint. As we are cleaning up/putting toys away/and generally frittering about, I mention to my husband that we don't have a lot of food on hand, and what could I offer for nourishment?

Husband's immediate response? TV dinner.

I laughed, long and hard, for quite some time.

[tree town gal]

are you kidding... y'all kill me... even the aveda comment... hilarious. i spend what too much time and money at their salons. maybe i should try some REAL products on my mess of curls. i feel that way about cleaning my sink with the crap all natural organic environment-friendly, drink-it-if-you-must-after-you-"clean"-with-it
stuff that i use that just seems to push or polish the dirt without helping matters much.

[anon]

I can't believe you cut his hair! He looks like a middle-aged man with a sad little combover now. :(

[Laurie]

Your husbands humor is very much like my fifteen year old sons. That totally sounds like something he would say in that situation. He slays me!

Edward's hair looks lovely and I imagine he will feel a lot more comfortable as the weather changes. It makes him look more like a little boy and less the cherubic angel baby.
Caroline is a cutie. Girls are tougher especially when they have two brothers to take care of.

[Sib]

I completely understand the necessity, but!!
Edward's curls! I love them! Why oh why did they have to go?!?!

The other night I was trying to remember what Patrick's face looked like, and I looked through 10 pages of archives. No face. At least, no good head shot, just lots of partials and a few backs. I wonder, is it intentional?

Steve is very, very funny, thanks!

[Boulder]

I just read something random about hair straightening, after Nicole Richie put a tweet out about a "Brazilian Blowdry" and I found a link on glamour.com describing it: (http://tinyurl.com/coggch)

Can you explain to our readers what exactly a Brazilian blowout is, and how it's different from Japanese straightening?
Liz: The Brazilian Blowout is different from Japanese straightening and other Brazilian straighteners because it doesn't completely straighten the hair. The hair still has plenty of volume and body and can still be worn curly or wavy. The Brazilian just softens whatever curl or wave you have. If the hair is air dried without a blow dryer, it will still have wave or curl but no frizz. On the flip side, if you want to blow dry your hair straight, you can do that, without a brush, in a fraction of the amount of time it would have taken without the Brazilian. Also, with other methods, there is a line of demarcation, meaning that when new hair grows in, it is curly/ wavy while the rest of the hair is straight. This blowout method washes away with time and is diffused, so there is no noticeable difference between new hair and treated hair. Other methods also have harsh chemicals in them like formaldehyde. The Brazilian Blowout does NOT have formaldehyde in it. And none of the chemicals in it are carcinogenic.

[Gina]

Julia, you need to get a good flat iron. Get a top of the line one, like a Sedu or a Chi, you can buy them online and they cost around $120.00. Ish. You can get cheapo ones at Target, but in flat irons, you definitely get what you pay for. You can adjust the heat so that it only takes out the frizz, or it can turn your hair into stick-straight silk, or anything in between, and it will stay that way until you wash it.

I, too, used to get my hair chemically straightened at the beginning of every summer, and I haven't had to resort to that for four or five years now. I no longer have to look like I am channeling Roseanne Rosannadanna every July. If my house was on fire, I'd go back in for the flat iron first, and then maybe the kids' baby pictures.

It'll be the BEST MONEY YOU EVER SPENT.

[Alli]

Steve is funny! Your family should be in photos - like the fake, beautiful family in the picture frame you just purchased from target.

[rosie_kate]

Now I'm crying with laughter...

[Rebeccaof8]

Whatever you do...do NOT straighten your hair right now!!! Straight hair will look the same...except, not curly. Anyway, I'm with the person who said get a perm with giant rollers (it is essentially what a lot of African American women do as well). It tames the curl to a manageable situation :) Edward's hair is delicious! I LOVE the big boy haircut (though I did enjoy singing along with you - pre-cut...though I was really singing the Justin Timberlake ala Saturday Night Live's "talkin' 'bout chest hairs...crazy gold medallions, aaaahhhhh!") Anyway. Too delish. And Steve in the hat - too funny!

[Rosemary Riveter]

My husband likes to put strange things on his head and wait till someone notices. Hair clips on his nose, cat toy perched on top of head, that kind of thing. When we received a lovely big red enamel soup pot (bucket really) as a wedding gift, he unpacked it, then sat on the couch with it on his head, waiting for me to get home. We later re-staged this for our neighbors by dancing in the living room with the blinds open as they walked by, he with the soup-bucket over his head, me pretending to bongo it with wooden spoons. They were amused. These neighbors married us (well, he married us, she gave a reading) - they know we're odd.

[Pam L]

It is wonderful that you still find the funny in Steve. It's almost 30 years for us and when such a time occurs that either one of us is seriously funny to the other, it comes as such a shock that we are both surprised which is delightful. Alas I guess we've heard all our best material already, for the most part.

[Pam L]

Oh yeah, I second the ceramic flat iron. My son wanted rock start straight hair , but got my thick wavy hair, which older women really like, it's pretty long now and he looked like a CA surfer in Myrtle Beach last summer, but he didn't, so he spends 5-10 minutes each morning to achieve the long straight look he so desires with the iron.

[pw]

You know how Edward looks now? Edwardian. I am positively waiting for him to say "Mother dear, I appear to have misplaced my collar. Could you ask the valet to fetch a new one?"

And just so you know, I now feel terrible about throwing out tupperware that has a lid size a fraction of an inch different from all similar ones. What souls have I blighted by enforcing polymeric promiscuity with an iron fist.

[Samantha]

Dear Lord, Julia, they are adorable. How can you stand to be surrounded by such cuteness every day?

[Beth]

Heavens, we must mention Caroline's pigtails alongside Patrick's adorable curls.

Your mom-joy comes through in every entry (even if it's sometimes accompanied by mom-tiredness, etc.)

Your children are beautiful.

[Channa]

Awesome post - I really enjoyed the writing and the pictures. Also my 2.5 year old son was sitting on my lap while I read it, and he decided that the picture of Edward holding the deer is a picture of him. (He looks nothing like Edward). So yet another generation identifying with your blog...

[Kristin]

Wonderful post. I love this and I think the Steve moments are hysterical!