Ad Matrem

Oh damn it.

For a better (read: not completely wrong) explanation of the cranial nerves, check out Katherine's gossamer comment at the end of my last post. She nudges me from nerve VII to V and generally sorts everything out; all while giving me a nice scalp massage and without ever saying oh, you IDIOT. I was not kidding when I said that a D+ would have been a grade improvement for me in AP Bio. I am abnormally stupid when it comes to biology; although I have never been entirely sure why. Geometry was and always will be a horrible mess in my mind (true story: when I drive the carpool I have to open my door and lean out in order to drive backwards down our friends' driveway - the eleven year old used to tease me mercilessly about this but now even he views me more with pity than contempt. the spaces and how they relate? baffle me. also no one will ever convince me that proofs aren't dumb) but why I am unable to memorize even the most basic of facts related to that which is living is a mystery. I don't know how I wound up in advanced placement in the first place and I assume my teacher asked herself the same question; especially after having the career-fulfilling privilege of teaching the subject to my older brother. My brother - as you might recall - eventually got his doctorate in a related field and from all reports he made that classroom sing with an appreciation for science. I once accidentally broke the tail off the cat skeleton my lab partner and I had assembled (from scratch. from cat. it was nauseating) and then used it as a pointer. Not. My. Forté.

In conclusion: I have no idea why my face is numb but it is not Bell's Palsy and I doubt it is lupus. Also everything I told you about nerves was wrong. And I was so proud of myself, too, when I thought I had followed the neurologist's lecture like lynx. More like a lemur. From now on I promise to stick to the biology I remember; namely: the lysosome is known as the suicide bag of the cell. I'll be sure to tell you the instant this becomes relevant.

Patrick's kindergarten-first grade Spring concert was this afternoon. Any thought I might have had about skipping it was quickly nullified when he woke me up this morning to tell me that although the concert was scheduled to begin at 2 pm I would need to allow time to park and to get a good seat; so I might want to leave our house around one. Then he handed me a crayon map of the parking lot he had drawn the night before to assist me. So attendance was mandatory but I am glad I went. In the opening words of the principal: it is necessary to experience a K-1 musical for yourself. There were songs about Spring. There were songs about bugs. There were streamers taped to drinking straws. There were enough songs about the rainbow to fill a campy GALA event. Patrick's group performed the Mexican hat dance complete with hats and I watched while he dragged his partner by her hand halfway across the gym and back looking for their spot. He reminded me of his father many years ago when he refused to ask for directions in Belgium and we wound up spending the night in France. His dance partner had that same look of quiet desperation that I well know. Like, oh you stupid stupid boy. Let me GO so I can ASK.

When Patrick was three I taught him the sign language alphabet because he was crazy. I mean, because he loved letters the way some of children love superheros and every new iteration of the alphabet was like a brand new Superman pillowcase.

[That reminds me of a funny Patrick story from three years ago. With my new search function I can... ta da. ]

Where was I? Oh right, sign language. So I taught him the alphabet and we used to amuse ourselves with it while we waited in restaurants for the bread to arrive (things you can do with one small child that you cannot do with three - #1 Dine Out) but it has been a while since we have done anything with it. Then as I was watching the concert I wondered why Patrick's hand gestures were so wildly different from the other performers. While everyone else was waving to Mr Sun, Sun, Mr Golden Sun; Patrick was twiddling his fingers and staring at me with bug eyes. I finally realized that what he was doing was signing M-O-M over and over again. So I did the shoulders/hands lift-and-open-and-extend to indicate WHAT? He signed H-I M-O-M and gave me a big wave. At that moment the concert ended. From beginning to end I do not think he sang a note. It's like he was so busy choreographing his end zone celebration that he missed the ball entirely.          

Four pictures:

Caroline's hair has erupted into curls at the ears and around the nape of her neck. I think she looks smashing. When I took Edward to get his haircut I did ask them to give Caroline a quick bang-lite. I am not entirely convinced that this was the right thing to do but her hair is so heavy it was hard to find anything short of rubber cement to push it out of her eyes. And speaking of eyes I swear hers are not brown. Not that it matters (I have brown eyes myself and hardly a day goes by I don't say, my, what pretty eyes you have, Julia) but for the record Caroline's eyes are dark green with some muddy streaks. Just like a pond. Why do you suppose they always photograph as brown?

(This next one isn't from today, it is from the day we got her haircut but I forgot that I had flagged it.)

I think she could have walked into any silent film studio and named her price. And to think Edward is the dramatic one.

 

Patrick and Edward.

Edward and Patrick.

Finally, two school stories, both from my volunteer mornings:

I was gathering my group together to administer what we used to call a spelling test and what the good people at Patrick's school soothingly refer to as "spelling feedback."

One of the kids asked, "Are you Patrick's mom?"

"I am."

"Do you know Vietnamese?" he said.

"No, I don't," I admitted.

"I am Vietnamese," he said. "I am Asian. I am an Asian-American."

I said, "That is great!"

Another boy said, "No, you aren't. You're Mexican."

"I am not; I am Vietnamese."

A boy sitting at a table chimed in, "He is Vietnamese! He's not Mexican! Vietnamese! He is!"

"Look," said Boy #2 belligerently, tapping his own chest. "I am Indian and I KNOW Mexican. India and Mexico are neighbors. You're Mexican!"

I interceded like the UN, separating North America from the subcontinent and asserting everyone's right to their own heritage. The only little girl in the group finally spoke up.

"I think I am a little Irish."

"I'm a little Irish too," I said.

She stared at me.

"You don't look like me," she said. "You look tired."

She and my neurologist would get along just fine.

++

The class did a unit on the works of Dr Seuss, during the course of which they read The Cat in the Hat. The teacher asked, "Can anybody tell me what they think the lesson was in this story?"

One girl answered, "The lesson was that you need to have fun! Just... just relax. Don't worry so much! Have a good time; play; run around... who cares if things get crazy? It'll be ok!"

Another girl replied, "The lesson was that you should never, ever open your door to strangers because they might come into your house and break things and make a mess."

All I could think was that one day these two girls are going to wind up as college roommates and, man, are they going to hate each other.

Comments

[arubagirl]

Loved Caroline's 'dramatic' picture. You can see the green in her eyes better, too!

[Diane]

What a lovely 10 minutes spent reading this. You are truly such a gifted storyteller. Thanks for sharing, as usual. Clicking on the ads to pay my fare.

[SarcastiCarrie]

I think of the Patrick story with the fawnts from time-to-time and I give a little chuckle because Times New Roman! Ha ha ha ha.
I guess you had to be there.

And gentics are fascinating because you got Caroline and Patrick out of the same mix and they appear to be like sun & moon or yin & yang.

[Megan]

Yes, I am the second little girl and my sister is the first one. We don't hate each other, but we did spend much of our time growing up together looking at the other one and thinking, "I have no idea where you are coming from". Very funny.

[reenie]

I'm cracking up about the Indian boy knowing Mexican. Ha! Funny.

BTW, my eyes are brown and green...brown ring next to the pupil, slightly wider green ring on the outside...but no one ever sees the green unless they're right in front of me...likewise, they never photograph w/ green unless the camera is right in front of me, too. Weird, right?

[Simone]

Every time I switch my word document from Times to Times New Roman (OFTEN. I far prefer the Newer and more Roman version) I hear in my head: "TIMES! NEW! ROMAN!" and smile.

[cat]

Oh she looks like a 30's movies star - just stunning. And my daughter has hazel eyes and unless the light catches them just right they look just plain brown.

[Cee]

Caroline and I have the same haircut. I'm 24. Hmm.

I remember Patrick and his fawnts! Wow, I've been reading your blog for a long time.

[Heather P.]

"Mr. DeMille, I'm ready for my close-up, Mr. DeMille."

Just. Too. Precious!!!!

[Lioness]

You make me want to be surrounded by children right now, preferably the same ones you write about. You can tell Caroline's eyes are green in the second picture, the colour seems to be extraordinary, you should give us a close up. Don't know how you managed but all your children are edible, can't wait for the twins to start talking, I have high expectations indeed! I have been reading you since Patrick was a toddler and I don't know why the third picture is the one that made me notice it, *really* notice it but - he's so grown up! When...??

I am a complete tit when it comes to spatiality (and geometry, trigonometry, statistics). When I was 10 I got up to go to the loo, which was in my bedroom, and ended up so lost - in my bedroom, you understand - I was afraid I'd bump into something and break my nose so I kneeled and scuttled about, arms stretched out like a bloody mummy. I remember crawling under something and when my cousin turned on the light - we were sharing my double bed - I was emerging from underneath said bed and about to crawl under the table. I even get disoriented playing computer games and often charge the enemy without meaning to. I die a lot.

[Sheridan]

Oh thanks for a laugh! I am all snotty with a headcold and so is my 5 month old daughter, so there isn't a lot to laugh about right now.
Patrick is so 'big' and so YOU! Caroline is just divine and that Edward, well he's another mini-Julia.
Thanks, you've made my evening.

[Sara]

You really do suck at biology. Lemurs are much smarter than lynxes, and most species of lemurs are more agile as well. Or was that a literary device? ;-)

My eyes have that brown/green thing going on too (I've always described the color as "pond scum"), and they photograph either brown or green, but never both. My daughter's eyes were the same for the first few months of life, but they only photographed brown (and they did eventually turn dark brown). Light is a strange thing. It doesn't really matter, though, because Caroline's eyes are gorgeous in any color.

[Kristin]

I absolutely LOVE your Patrick stories. And, while Edward may be the dramatic one in everyday life its obvious that Caroline performs for the camera. Too cute.

[beyond]

beautiful kids; caroline likes the camera, i think. have you ever tried to photograph her face in a close-up as she's looking out the window? maybe that would make her eyes seem lighter/ greener.
(and totally unsolicited: i really believe you need to rethink your nights, so you can get some sleep. please!)

[janonymous]

Tired? What do you know--I'm from there, too!

And I'm totally the second little girl. Fortunately, my roommate was, too. We still love each other.

[victoria]

The only bad thing about your blog is that it makes me regreat not having children, so much so that I might have to stop reading.

[Penny]

It made my morning to find a new post on your blog. It is like a gift! I do not care one bit if you are not good at biology or geometry. You are one hell of a writer and that is all that matters. As I have commented before, I love Patrick stories. Thank you! The pictures of Caroline are wonderful. She is a beauty. Little Edward is looking more and more like Patrick to me. I think the comment about the roommates made my day! With two girls home for summer from college, I can relate to that!

[Catherine]

I only have one regret in the raising of a girl child: cutting bangs. Unless you're committed to them they are a pain. Audrey is growing hers out now, she's 3 1/2, and every day is a struggle to get a rubber band or barrette in her hair the keep the straglers out of her face.

I thought the lesson of CitH is that you as long as you clean it up before mom gets home it's all good.

[Becky]

So you're saying it's not lupus? It's never lupus.

That was probably funny only to me.

Happy Mother's Day a day early (which beats the normal week + late)

[Kathleen]

Up close, up very close, my eyes are not completely brown but rather streaks of dark brown, golden brown and green. However, only those people who know me well enough to be less than an arm lengths away from my face for an extended length of time know that.

To the world at large, my eyes are brown and so brown is what I call them. I suspect Caroline is in the same boat.

[tgsdmom]

Julia, we are definitely quite different, but I had to say that if we had ever happened to be roommates, I am sure I would totally love you. Absolutely really totally.

Great post!

[heather g]

My eyes are like a slice of kiwifruit, green with brown edges and lots of pips. In daylight photos they look more true to life.
I love your "cat in the hat" tale. I always thought the moral was if no-one knows about it you can get away with anything.

[Pam L]

Happy Mother's Day Julia, and to all the Moms here!

"You don't look like me" You look tired!"

Ha ha, don't you love the things kids say. I can't believe some of the things my kids' friends told me when they were little. If only their parents knew. And I can say this secure in the knowledge that MY boys never told anyone anything the least bit embarrassing about us.

[winecat]

Caroline's drama picture is quite adorable.

And of course the refresher on Patrick and his love of fonts was a funny this time as it was the first.

Geez, I've been reading your blog a LONG time.

[leslie]

Perhaps I am just completely incompetent, but I was unable to find a post by Katherine or a post on cranial nerves. Is it still there?

[Christiana]

Love the pics of all the kids. Patrick is really growing up. The twins are too, but Patrick is really looking older.

I think that story about Patrick and fonts is one of my favorites. Also the one when you buying his letters and the sales lady called him Robert because he was buying R and S. Love Patrick stories.

Happy Mother's Day, to one of the best mothers I know.

[Kizz]

I can't stop laughing over "You don't look like me. You look tired." A little insulting but funny enough that it's hard to stay mad.

[chicago sarah]

Patrick has got your number, as my mom would say. *grin* The crayon map is a beautiful touch to the guilt you would have felt if you skipped. He's a cutie!

[pam]

Oh Julia, I LOVE your Dr. Seuss anecdote. You slay me. LOL. :)

[kim at allconsuming]

So I've been catching up on the facial paralysis and everything else as BabelBabe threw me over in this direction.

I am all for the medical diagnosis by Google. Find them the best actually.

Are they checking you for MS?

That's a bit morbid isn't it.

As you were.

[Elaine at Lipstickdaily]

What beautiful joyous children! Happy Mother's Day!

[Karishma]

"you look tired."

*snort*

children are adorable. also, your writing is amazing. i completely blame my lack of productivity and inability to study for finals on you, julia. :) you'll be hearing from me when i get that D+ in physics tomorrow...

p.s. can we get more video posts? caroline is PRECIOUS, and i want me some edward and patrick.

[Life in Eden]

OMG I love the Dr. Suess story. College roommates, tee hee hee.

Great pics too!

[Trista]

I've just started reading you recently and I really enjoy your posts. I think the two little girls suffer from what my husband refers to as "Bert & Ernie syndrome." He says I'm Bert and he's Ernie - he just wants to have fun and I just want to organize the sock drawer.

[katherine]

hehe, thanks for the thumbs up, Julia!
And no, it would never cross my mind to call you an idiot: I've known several idiots who can memorize stupid biological factoids, but none who have your humor, and certainly none who can write like you.
The subtle humor, the self-deprecation, the literary references, the vocabulary (it's no joke, about half your posts have me opening a tab on dictionary.com!) the captivating narration -- everything about your posts spells brilliance...

[Hetty Fauxvert]

I'm so glad you went to Patrick's concert. He will always remember that he signed to you in the audience and that you answered him. I'm 46 and I still remember, in vivid detail, my kindergarten "graduation" ceremonies. I sang one of those rainbow songs, and I still remember it: "I saw a rainbow in the air, red blue and yellow...." The stuff that sticks in your brain cells, eh?

[Rebecca Tyler]

The dramatic photo is priceless! Makes me remember back to when I was little. When I would start to whine about whatever 4 year-olds whine about, my mom would say, "I feel faint!" put the back of her hand to her forehead, and fall back onto the couch in a supremely dramatic fashion. I thought it was great and it distracted me from whining. To this day, we'll both say, "I feel faint" to each other when we get overly dramatic about something.

[Libby]

This was completely, extremely, seriously funny!

You look tired! hahahaha I am still laughing at that!

[Esther]

I never understood geometry either. Seriously, it's so hard. And what a worthless experience proofs were. Do I use that now? Nope!
I loved your last story. So true. I think colleges pair up room-mates like the producers match up moms on "Wife Swap."

[Proudmary]

I like your header now!

[llcsis]

New header, so much better - the last one was cut off and I couldn't figure out what it was.

Happy belated Mothers day to the Mom that tells the best stories!

[Monica C.]

Love this entire post!

But this:

"I once accidentally broke the tail off the cat skeleton my lab partner and I had assembled (from scratch. from cat. it was nauseating) and then used it as a pointer."

is HILARIOUS!! Damn, you're good!!

[Karen]

Totally NSFW! It is embarrassing to be laughing so hard in my office while I'm supposed to be working.

[~QC]

This post made me laugh out loud. I actually had to read parts of it outloud to a girlfriend.

[punchanella]

things are so easily explained when you're a kid.

i know geography the way you know biology, and i had to THINK for a minute if mexico and india were indeed, adjacent. i think they aren't? ugh. but shit, do i know a ton about biology! and incidentally, i could go for a lysosomal suicide bag or 4 right now. for real.

thanks for making me laugh. we all look tired, our faces are 5 years old, okay?

[punchanella]

um, our faces AREN'T 5 years old. tired.

[Heather]

You crack me up! I love the closing about the two girls with the differing opinions. And Patrick signing "Hi Mom!" is perfect! Love the pics. Caroline's hair looks amazing. And thanks for the reminder that parents of more than one child don't go out to eat as much. That's what we keep reminding our 8 year old daughter as we''re about to have twin boys!!!!

[Shawna]

I like the new hippogriff pic in the banner!

[clare]

i loved this post... wow! thanks for the laughter. I smiled at the silent movie pose. I laughed aloud at the UN intervention. And I loved the bit about the two girls interpretation of the cat in the hat. No wonder i have such a hard time being wiht myself.. I have both girls in my own head!