Feel The Caine

Thank you for the design input. I squashed the banner, moved the title around, spent three hours trying to get the pretty dropdown link menu to work before giving it the digital finger... I think that's it. I would love to make the text column wider but typepad charges another seven bucks a month or so for the privilege and it doesn't seem quite worth it. For the record, though, I agree. It should be wider in the middle. Oh, and I had made an effort to pick a universal browser color for the background but some of you are reporting that it looks stark white and some see pinkish and others maybe something in a pale green - I realized that I cannot be all things to all displays so I went with the one that looks the nicest on my computer. For what it is worth I also don't like change but I had grown to dislike the purple even more. So that's that. Thank you.

Where were we?

Oh I wrote that my face was numb and I added a few pictures to the post and stood up. And then I sat abruptly back down again as my eyes crossed and my head did that swimmy thing it used to do back when my brother and I were young enough to spin in circles until we fell over. I told Steve that I felt odd and he told me to just go to the goddamned doctor already. I called the new clinic back and asked if anyone could see me that evening. No, they said, but the urgent care is open.

So I trundled off to the urgent care feeling like a fool. I hate going to the doctor with vague symptoms like "I feel a passing malaise" or "I have that sense that have I forgotten something but I do not know what it is." Or "half my face feels numb." I was once on fairly close terms with an urgent care doctor and although he was an outlier (one hopes) in that he absolutely hated people; I will never forget the scorn with which he recounted the absurd symptoms of the patients he saw. Like the woman who walked in claiming to be in a catatonic state. I don't want to be that woman. But Steve said I was not allowed home without a note from a doctor so I went.

At the urgent care I read my book and surreptitiously slapped my face and poked my tongue around trying to decide if it was starting to go numb as well. I finally saw the doctor who took a quick history and then played charades with me: smile, raise your eyebrows, kick your feet, push my hands.

He thought I might have had or was having or was about to be having a stroke. So they sent me to the ER.

If I hate going to the urgent care without any obvious medical crisis you can only imagine how much I writhed to show up at the emergency room without an axe in my head. As I walked in I saw a woman with her hand wrapped in a plastic bag - THAT looked like an emergency. Me and my ice cream face? Not so much.

I only had to wait about five minutes before I got a room and a nurse. Then a doctor. We repeated the urgent care stuff (waggle waggle push push slap slap) and he went off to check with a neurologist. Who ordered an MRI. The ER doctor threw in an ultrasound to check for clots in my legs for good measure and then left me with my book.

I like ultrasounds. They sort of tickle, what with the cold gel and the delicate mopping up afterward. It helped that this ultrasound was held in the same room that I had a late scan with Caroline and Edward, which also happened to be the same room where I had had two previous crappy sorry-but-we'd-expect-to-see-a-heartbeat moments. We have a history, this room and I, and it was nice to see it again. That reminds me.

Confession: I am not sure quite when that late ultrasound was (33 weeks? 34?) but it was one of the nights I was admitted for preterm labor. The hospital tech asked if we knew what we were having and I said no; so she told me to look the other way when she measured the leg bones during the BPP. But I looked at the screen anyway and I was convinced that Baby B had a penis (he does) and that Baby A had one has well (she doesn't.) Since I had suspected that we were having two boys I felt vindicated but then horribly guilty because we weren't going to find out. So I kept my secret knowledge to myself. Then Caroline was born and Steve said "It's a girl" and the nurse said "And she is TINY" and I thought, seriously, oh for heavens sakes they got the wrong baby. Like I wasn't right fucking there at the time. So I said, "Are you sure?" and someone said, "We'll weigh her but, yeah, she looks pretty little." And I said, "No, that he's a girl? Let me see."

So they gave me the baby. And I said, "Well, then, hello Caroline."

She looked just like Steve if Steve had been born a monkey (a singing monkey - she spent the next nine days either asleep in the isolette or yodeling. silly girl) so I concluded she was probably ours (to get an idea of how small she was those are preemie diapers wrapped halfway up to her neck.)

But back to Tuesday night. The tech scanned my thigh, my knee and my calf. Then she got to my ankle and was there for about twenty-five minutes. Does that hurt, she kept asking. Um, no, should it? She went to get the radiologist - NOT my next-door neighbor this time, thank god - and he scanned. Then she wheeled me back to the ER. I kept expecting someone to tell me what was so fascinating about my ankle but they never did and then I forgot about it in all of the excitement of the MRI. I should probably follow up on that.

MRIs are horrible. I am not claustrophobic. I like machines. I do not mind loud noises. My idea of a good time is to lie perfectly still and do absolutely nothing. And yet even I found the MRI to be awful. It took 45 minutes and after the first five I thought about screaming for help. Something about keeping your head perfectly still... urrrghh. I shuddered all over again just thinking about it. I was so happy to get out of there that I tried to sit up too quickly and cracked my forehead against the bar thing that had been over my face. When I later saw another doctor she noted the red mark and her first suggestion was that my facial numbness might be related to the head trauma I had sustained.          

MRI was fine. My brain is apparently bleed free since '71.

The diagnosis was early onset of Bell's Palsy (see how good you are at this?) and I am going to see a neurologist on Monday. However! I think it is actually an atypical migraine since... well there is a wonky eye component and a headache that is not quite a headache and Bell's Palsy is supposedly characterized by paralysis on one side of the face. I do not have that and I am pretty sure I would notice it.

That's my week so far. Caroline and Edward have colds and are reacting in their typical fashion: Caroline has stopped sleeping and Edward barely wakes up. I had that brief moment as I listened to Caroline cough when I thought Aiiiiieeee! SWINE FLU! but then I got a grip. I am not saying we are protected out here from contagion but for the twinkles to rank in the top five confirmed cases for the state when they rarely pass the driveway? That would be unusual.

I ran into a... oh what's the word for someone you know well enough that you have to make small talk but have never liked? An acquaintance? I ran into an acquaintance at the library today and she told me this and told me that and then said that she just prays the swine flu doesn't make it to our little hollow because she really cannot imagine skipping {small child}'s classes. She'd go crazy. It's a good thing I cannot feel half my face because it made it easier not to laugh in hers: Pandemic Worsens as Gymboree Closure Forced. Saints preserve us.

I have probably already told you this story but my great-grandmother Arizona (one reason I was so quick to greet Caroline by name is Steve was pretty hot on the name Arizona for a girl and I - burning with the knowledge that we were having two boys - almost kinda agreed on principle) died in the Spanish Influenza epidemic of 1918 along with her five year old daughter. The other four children lived, of whom my grandmother was the youngest at 15 months. Less than a year later my great-grandfather approached the spinster who lived next door, keeping house for her brothers.

"Willie," he said. "I feel sorry for you."

"Why, whatever do you mean Mr Norton?" she is reported to have replied. This was in Alabama, by the way, so get the accent right as you read it.

"I feel sorry for you because you are going to have to marry me and raise my children."

She said yes. At least that is how my grandmother always told the story to me although as I repeat it I wonder to what, exactly, Willie was saying yes. Not much of a proposal, was it. My grandmother said that Willie had been told she would never have children after a riding accident and that she was a nurturing soul. My great-grandfather probably thought this was an ideal arrangement. Four motherless children and someone to tend to them - perfect. Of course Willie went on to have five more so... . It was a crowded house. Also, he could not have been completely indifferent to her personal charms, now could he?

I saw quite a bit of my grandmother when I was very young. She liked to tell stories and I liked to listen to them. Someone once asked why I write a blog. I had no answer. Narcissism? Sure. But I also think I just like to tell stories; and I like it when you listen to them.

Comments

[Annika]

You got a grip, or you got the grippe?

[Jude]

I like it when you tell stories too. I'm another one who's secretly glad that you're back from Redbook so you write more here. Thank you - you frequently make my day.

[serina]

I love your stories as well. You're good at telling a tale.
Now, stay out of ERs until the pandemic is over, we don't want piglet flu at your house!
The migraine theory is completely plausible BTW, I have had an episode of facial numbness following a migraine in the past.

[Lioness]

When I lived in Israel and was doing my PhD research everything had gone to bloody hell, what with my incompetent advisors back in Portugal not really bothering to advise me and me being alone in the field, so I was stressed our of my mind. As a result I had horrifying insomnia which, for the first time in my life, was accompanied by nightmares that actually blurred the distinction between reality and dream, so I woke up in a fright - speaking of axes in one's head, in the worst one I woke up a millisecond before the axe the huge, blonde viking barbarian was holind fused with my forehead, so I'd run out of the building practically screaming and flee for the research lab. There were dolphins, see, and I looked forward to the alpha waves. I am slowly coming to the point which is, I also had bad migraines, the sort where everything throbs and hurts from top of the head to side of the neck, including teeth and ear, and I went through a fortnight of numb-side-of-face as well. I scared myself at the doctor's because when he asked whether I had migraines and/or was under a lot of stress I started laughing hysterically and couldn't stop but there you go, insomnia, migraine and stress-related. I reckon what I'm trying to say is, your migraine hunch makes a lot of sense to me. FWIW. Which, granted, after so much babbling, is probably not a lot.

[Sheridan]

Oh, I love the stories too! You make me laugh, again and again and again. I'd be lost without your blog, it's better than any book. And I read a lot!

[Nina]

I was once on fairly close terms with an urgent care doctor and although he was an outlier (one hopes) in that he absolutely hated people; I will never forget the scorn with which he recounted the absurd symptoms of the patients he saw.

You dated House!

[~Lucy~]

I love your stories, and that was one of the best.

But anyway, bell's palsy? I'm off to google to see if that's bad. But I reckon it's a migraine. I once had an MRI because I swore I had a tumour - turns out I was just really, really tired. I think you're probably pretty tired, too.

[maren]

We enjoy the listening bit :) Get well/diagnosed soon!

[Kristin]

Bell's Palsy?!? Doesn't sound like it to me but then I was just a paramedic. I think an atypical migraine might be a much more accurate diagnosis.

[Kristin]

Oh yeah...I forgot to say how much I loved that Grandparent story you told.

[Rayne of Terror]

I love family stories too.

I'm preggo with son #2 and we've decided on the middle name of James. My great grandpa Jim drove an oil truck for Sinclaire (dinosaur logo) in the 30's. At the time oil trucks had a chain dangling to the road (to keep them grounded or something). When my Uncle Jimmy would hear that chain coming down the road by the school he would leap out of the windown and hop on the truck with his dad. I just love that story and adore my Uncle Jim and everyone who knew Grandpa Jim adored him, so I think the name James will be wonderful. Grandpa Jim was probably my first funeral and he was buried in a satin Reds baseball jacket, the organist played take me out to the ball game, and there were big bowls of bubble gum on the tables.

[Aleksandra]

I swear I could have diagnosed you with Bell's Palsy without all the fancy hi-tech machines and I only have the med. degree from the University of Google. I had it a few years ago and it was a complete pain in the ass. It took about a month for the facial paralysis to go away. It does start like numbness, so if it really is BP, brace yourself. It's not so terrible actually, but very very annoying.

[Elizabeth_K]

You have a blog because otherwise my dark Friday mood would not have been dispelled, and then my poor husband and son. Thanks for your story telling, and glad you didn't have a stroke!

[Elise]

I have a coworker that came down with a cold/infection and instead of the usual sneezing/coughing/etc symptoms she got Bell's Palsy. Guess that's how it works sometimes, just reroutes itself to your nerves instead of your lungs or whatever. Lasted a few weeks and now she's getting back to normal.

Girlfriend of mine is finally pregnant with twins. I keep telling her to read your blog, but apparently when she's not working she's napping. :>

[Melissia]

I too love your stories and it sounds as it your grandmother Willie was quite the Southern woman. I too spent an evening in the ER, in southern Texas, filled with small children with colds, whose loving parents are convinced that little Susie and John have the swine flu. Unfortunately schools are closing, events are being canceled and I expect before long that we will all be stuck in our homes as we wait out this illness. And, nothing short of an eye injury could have forced me to the ER where I had to have a foreign object removed from my eye under sedation. Otherwise I, like you would have avoided the place!

[Kirsten]

Please keep telling your stories!

[wookie]

my fil has bell's palsy and found accupuncture was amazingly effective.

[rosie_kate]

I like to listen to your stories. I love the story of your grandmother. It was a different time then... Can you imagine someone doing that now?

[Annabelle]

Glad you got checked out, and good to know that your brain is bleed-free, and that you can keep telling us stories. It makes my morning to see your blog in my Reader.

However, your reference to the Pirate Ship Sweet Potato got "The Good Ship Lollipop" going through my head the other day, where it has remained, despite my best efforts to get it unstuck. I still love your writing, though.

[Bonnie]

HAH! I was in a hurry so didn't post a comment yesterday, but the first thing I thought was 'Bell's Palsy' closely followed by 'migraine?'. When I was a child I had weekly migraines with numbness, tingling, and paralysis on one side of my face/tongue/body.

I am really, really glad you didn't have a stroke, and I hope you don't have other problems and the numbness goes away soon.

[Laurie]

hemiplegic migraine is a possibility. You might mention it to your neurologist and be checked for it.

[beyond]

i love coming here for your stories.

[LeftLeaningLady]

I turned 42 last week, so there were no ultra sounds for my mom when she carried me. Plus that was the age when drugs were given, no matter what. She wanted a boy first (I'm first) and then a girl and she ARGUED with the doctor. Swore he had given her the WRONG baby. If I had self esteem issues, that may hurt my feelings.

Keep up the stories; yours are the best.

[uberimma]

Okay, so, my Spanish Flu/buried treasure story:

Before world war I, my great-grandparents (father's mother's parents) were living in Hungary and had amassed some degree of personal wealth through a dry goods business. However, my great-great-grandfather saw clouds on the horizon with the war/his business, so he sold up. He put half the money in government bonds (which shortly became worthless with the end of the Austro-Hungarian empire) and the rest he put in the form of a literal steel milk can full of gold pieces, which, one night, he left the house with (in a wagon with some tools and a shovel) and returned without. My grandmother overheard some conversation about him going out to hide it, but does not know where, and she was an only child.

Fast-forward to 1918 and the flu epidemic. Both parents got sick and died within a day of each other, leaving my grandmother with no parents and rather resentful relatives wondering what happened to all that money. No one's ever found it.

[LPC]

Wow. That's some good writing. I sure hope you are OK.

[babelbabe]

well, I certainly am glad it was not a stroke.

[Luise]

Your stories are the best, esp. when your splendid observations take over: e.g., why your littles probably won't get the swine flu. Redbook's loss is definitely our gain.

[Jenn]

I am also going to say that it could be an inner ear infection... just due to the dizziness. My SIL is just coming back from one and she had the same type of issues as it got worse. Just a thought.

Oh, and the story of your Grandparents... priceless. :)

[T]

Simply put, I like to listen to them.

[Erika]

Okay, I get not wanting to name her Arizona (among other things, you'd have a lifetime of references to Raising Arizona), but where did Caroline come from? I mean the name, not the baby. I know the story on the baby. :)

[Kim]

Just chiming in, I love your stories too. Your blog is the best...just don't ever stop writing. Unless you decide to do a book, but, hey, then you still have to do the blog to keep your fan base going until the book comes out! =)

And that pic of Caroline - most adorable monkey baby EVER =)

All the best, Kim

[Nimble]

Stories are very important! So you keep on with that. Newborn Caroline resembling Steve born as a monkey made me snort. And I agree that MRIs are awful even for we slow-moving not type A people. I'm glad they didn't find anything ominous.

[Nimble]

Oh and one more name comment. Good show at ducking Arizona. My husband has a great grandmother whose given name was Zeppa. We were tempted... but resisted.

[Kristin]

Hm. I get what appear to be migraines (no formal diagnosis from a neuro-type, but whenever I describe them to my primary or my gyn, they nod encouragingly), and every couple of months/years I'll get one with tingling on one side of my face. The first time it happened, I was in the middle of teaching class, and I remember being pleased to find that I could still teach even when half my tongue was numb, and I could still think in Latin even while I was sure I was having a stroke. I had begun having migraines with auras a year or so before -- and the first time with THAT also made me think I was having a stroke, but I didn't drop dead then either...which is probably why I finished class before going home and making my husband drive me to the doctor. Who did a lot of "squeeze this hand, now that hand," and decided I could be sent home. No diagnosis of impending stroke, but no nice migraine meds either. But by that time, I could also feel my face, so he was probably less alarmed and more mystified. So, I tend to think of MY face issues as atypical migraine (they seem to coincide with my other types of migraine symptoms), but I suppose I ought to have 'em looked at.

And, not that I wish these on anyone, but it's oddly nice to hear I'm not the only person whose headaches make her face go numb. ;)

[Libby]

Loved the grandparents story. I love all your stories actually.

[Heather O]

Once upon a time there were 5 southern sisters: Alabama, Georgia, Florida, California, Carolina. (Those were their names, seriously, Florida was known as Floyd). One of them (I cannot recall which one) married and had children, the other 4 remained "spinsters". When the married sister died, the other 4 got together and decided who would marry her widowed husband next. They decided, informed him of their decision and everyone lived happily ever after. Odd, but I suppose things were just a bit more on the "practical" side in the good old days. True Story!

(Love your blog!)

[jen]

I am sorry that I didn't make the time to reply to your previous post if only to ensure you did not panic about the facial numbness. Migraine for sure. I had a migrainous stroke (a mini stroke brought on by severe migraine) in 2003 and lost all feeling on the right side of my body. I have residual pins and needles now in face, hand and foot, which significantly worsens with a migraine. Last significant migraine I got, I ended up in the neuro unit and scanner AGAIN, and could not move my right foot or my tongue (scary). It came back though. Nothing much they can do - you can take various preventative medicines (sodium valproate is one) but I chose not to as I didn't like the side effects, and I wanted to conceive and valproate causes defects. Each to their own - I may yet return to get a prescription in the future.

BUT - avoid the combined contraceptive pill (yes I know I feel dumb typing that in your comments and I am sorry, but still.. if anyone else out there is having similar symptoms it is worth knowing). Apparently if you are prone to migraines, the combined pill makes you significantly greater risk for a stroke and should be avoided where at all possible. That was the cause of my stroke, and I have avoided it like the plague (or swine flu) since.

Glad it is nothing more 'serious' (I know I feel rubbish writing that but please know that I mean it positively) - initially they would have been looking for tumours (as they did with me) so really, a migraine is a good diagnosis in comparison. Still, a royal pain in the backside as it is terribly scary.

[Kathleen]

I just wanted to tell you that I recently (last weekend) had a wicked migraine with facial paralysis, like you're describing. It ended. I felt like I was indeed dying, but I wasn't. Phew.

[Bethany]

So glad you weren't having a stroke! Keep us posted on the Bell's Palsy/migraine diagnosis, please. Migraine is one of those tricky pains in the ass that presents in so many different ways. I had migraines when I was on the Pill and will never go on it again. It's one of the reasons I can't wait to hear your review of the copper IUD. But, anyway, migraines = PITA. I'm off to google more about Bell's Palsy...

I love to listen to the stories you tell! I hope I am still listening to (reading) your stories when we are both old...

[Christiana]

How long has the facial numbness been going on? I'd say that might be key to the correct diagnosis. A few days? Might be the migraine (I get all sorts of weird tingles before/during/after a really horrific migraine)

I had this theory that upon meeting my baby (we had the plan to take multiple names to the hospital) I would know what her name was. I'm actually glad we had decided ahead of time instead so I could call her by her name immediately, without discussion. She is most definitely a Caroline.

[terri c]

Beautiful photo of Caroline. I love that as small as she was the force of her personality is very clear. Very glad you were not having a stroke. Hope Steve was satisfied with the doctor's note. You are, as I have said before, an exquisite writer.

[Nicky]

I was in college when I got my first migraine. Lots of really bizarre neurological problems that all came on over the course of like 15 minutes. I went to the university urgent care clinic, when I was briefly checked out, then left alone in the dark room for two hours. By the time the doctor returned, all the neurological stuff had disappeared and been replaced with the worst headache of my life. The doctor's response: "Oh thank goodness! It's a migraine, and not a stroke like I thought." Um, you thought I was having a stroke, so you left me alone for two hours? He just shrugged. Nice.

[Ady]

Your stories are very nice. Your tone is conversational and fun. I am enjoying your blog.

[Debbie]

Long time reader here - many thanks for your great stories. Please keep them coming. I can't tell you how much I enjoy reading your blog.

[victoria]

Wow, you seem extraordinarily lighthearted for someone who's just gotten a possible diagnosis of bell's palsy. Either you're very, very serene, or heavily medicated.

[Cathy]

To Victoria: Julia is always like that on her blog. She manages to roll with her challenges without complaining, I think by making them funny. It's a refreshing take on life.

[PiquantMolly]

I lost two great grandparents in the Spanish flu epidemic of 1918 as well. And also, along the lines of Arizona, my great great grandmother on my father's mother's side was named Australia. They called her Toots.

[Chris]

Where in Alabama? I am born and raised here (Madison). Sounds like a quite accurate story for this place :) My grands can tell some amazing things that are totally true.

My sister had Bell's that onset late in her pregnancy. I hope it is not that - it was bad, HOWEVER, she has made a 95% recovery through the use of a chiropractor. She was totally paralyzed.

[Amber]

and I like reading them.

[victoria]

To Cathy, yes, I know Julia is always like that. I've been reading her for years. I'm still amazed at how cheerful she is.