Queen of the Mayhem

I liked the neurologist. The last time I saw a neurologist she neither sat down nor took her hand off the doorknob as she breezed in to tell me that although I probably could not feel my pinkie it was not caused by any damage to the major nerves; so buck up, little numb camper. Then she left. Huh. Would you believe that until I typed that sentence I had completely forgotten about the fact that half my hand went numb last year? And here I have been telling everyone who asked that I have no history of anything, at all, ever.

The woman on Monday, in attentive contrast, spent a good half an hour whacking me with little hammers and engaging me in games of pat-a-cake. Then she delivered as comprehensive and comprehensible a lecture on the nervous system as I have ever heard. I could walk into AP Bio right now and demand (twenty years later) that my grade be raised to a D... PLUS. So apparently you have twelve pairs of cranial nerves and the seventh of these (known as VII to the cognoscenti) works the face. It branches into three sections to do so: top, middle and lower. The middle branch controls the musculature and when it is damaged or attacked you get Bell's Palsy. The lower branch controls sensation and when it is damaged or attacked you get numbness. That is what I have. Since it is resolving on its own (yesterday it was almost indiscernible; today it is a little worse again) she saw no reason to treat it and said that in general an isolated instance of nervous whatsit is not cause for alarm. It is most likely caused by a virus but she did want to rule out any underlying conditions; so she has ordered blood work for Lyme's, something, something else and lupus. She was very hot on lupus but I could not decide if it was because of the numbness or if I just have a lupus look about me. She said I should be tested for lupus; asked if I have already been tested for lupus and then sat patiently on the phone with my OB's office while someone there looked up everything about me while scanning for lupus. I was nonplussed so I checked google as soon as I got home (well, as soon as I got home and finished a falafel sandwich the size of my head.) Eh. I am not convinced that there is even a remote possibility that this is something I have. Yes, I am fatigued but I'll bet if I came over to your house and woke you up every few hours for almost a year and a half you'd be looking kinda sickly too. Um, what else? I do get mouth sores (but I have gotten canker sores for years) and I suppose my chilblained toes might, possibly, sometimes, have a whitish-blue look about them á la Raynaud. But for the rest of it; not so much. 

She said she would call when she gets the test results back. And she gave me a pamphlet on lupus.  

Moving on.

I had forgotten how annoying retailer seasonality can be when you are trying to buy clothing for little kids. Right now it is mild Spring in my living room but a scorching August sun blazes away at Carters and Target and the fifteen other places I have reconned in an effort to find a couple of things to fit Caroline. It is driving me crazy. There will come a time when she will need sleeveless playsuits and charming bloomers to match airy sundresses but that time is not yet upon us. It is May. It is Minnesota. It is the time for lightweight yet long sleeved garments. If I had realized that Caroline's recent growth spurt would extend her long-waistedness even further while leaving her short little legs untouched I could have stocked up on the next size of long-sleeved onesies when they still had them. You know, back in January. And I would have known not to bother buying any new pants because she has yet to outgrow the old ones. However, I am not psychic and children grow in such random fits and starts that it is impossible to accurately predict what size they might be in a month or two. I was at the Carters outlet the other day - lashing my tail and gnashing my teeth over the fact that the only long-sleeved onesies they had were the boring undershirt-y white ones (how is anyone to know that Caroline is My Sweet n' Pretty Cupcake Princess unless it is clearly stitched across her prow, preferably on a nice dotted or striped cotton?) - when I saw a woman with a teeny-tiny brand new baby. And this woman was throwing summer outfit after newborn summer outfit on the counter. I wanted to warn her that her baby was going to be three different sizes in the next week alone but then I thought about the good of the economy (and the fact that she might believe what she was buying was none of my business - as if!) and I stayed silent. But I thought it.

Back to Cricket. Not only have I been unable to find what I am looking for (spring clothes) but I have been unable to buy what is available (summer clothes) because I really have no idea what size Caroline will be by July or August. Her legs might catch up. She might plump out. She might stay the same. It's a mystery and I do not have the slightest interest in spending x dollars on something that she will never wear. However, I know that by the time the hot weather rolls around all of the retailers will have moved to snowsuits and fleece. In anticipation I bought two five packs of short-sleeved onesies (one for Edward and one for Caroline) and as far as I am concerned they can live in 'em until they hit the 2Ts. Eventually sizes start lasting for a whole year - I stocked up on shirts for Patrick at the end of last season and he is set - but until that happens I will continue to answer the inquiry "May I help you find anything?" with a rather curt "Yes, do you sell anything that a child could wear today without flying to Aruba?"

And I mean it to sting, by god.

Caroline is very different from a similarly aged Patrick. She wants to Do things. A week ago she grabbed the wipes and started to assist with her own diaper change. Over the weekend she realized that she can push her shopping cart from hazard to hazard and increase her climbing range by 100% (when she woke up she discovered that her shopping cart has been impounded - I cannot spend entire days following Caroline around while she climbs something with wheels and tries to access the kitchen counter.) On Monday she unsnapped the shoulder straps on her overalls and celebrated the freedom of being pantless. Yesterday she learned how to play the harmonica (well... "play".) This, incidentally, is quite possibly the cutest freaking thing I have ever seen in my life. Cricket walking around blowing on her harp... crazy crazy cute.

And Edward? Edward just wants to look at his books and have someone else handle the diapers. When you hand him the harmonica he chews on it. The current plan is that Caroline is going to be a movie star astrophysicist brain surgeon blues legend and that Edward will live at her house and write textbooks about the runes of Elder Futhark. I mean, not to stereotype, which I know is always a problem with twins: are you the cerebral pretty one or the multi-talented dynamo?

Hmmm, I wonder if I can figure out how to post video?

Did that work? Helllllooooooooo CLEVELAND! Actually Caroline's newest word sounds a lot like "Chicago" which I suppose makes sense if she is going to be the littlest girliest bluesman in history. It's her spiritual home.

Comments

[Susan]

Yes, the video worked, and she is AMAZING! I just love reading your blog. Glad to hear it isn't bells palsy - i have a friend diagnosed with that many years ago after she drove thru her own garage. Crazy stuff! Good luck with the clothes shopping!

[erin]

My sinuses just exploded from the cuteness of that video. They were already on the verge of exploding from allergies so it really was only a matter of time, but DANG, Caroline is CUTE!

[Jen]

Julia, that video is ADORABLE. What a sweetheart!

[Becky]

Man, I'm glad you liked your neuro. My daughter had one who was...I don't know how to say "asshole" without saying "asshole." So he was an asshole.

I hear that's common. So yeah, awesome that yours is not an asshole.

[cathy b]

You could start selling Caroline's laughter ring tones.

$2.49 each for several million is what now?

[victoria]

Good god woman, you are going to drive me batshit insane. *I* worry about you more than you do. I think you have somehow managed to delegate all your worrying to some random stranger all the way over here in Seattle so that you can blithely go about your Minnesota life all "tra la la maybe lupus maybe not but what about those dang children's wear retailers! They really get my goat!"

[Alexis]

Why don't you try Ebay? You should prolly be able to get new and/or "gently used" clothes without having to sell Patrick. (first born, get it?)(I so crack myself up)

[susan too]

Your descriptions of your children are hilarious...and I agree with victoria, you are quite sanguine about this all. I will worry for you, so just relax and enjoy the spring.

[Missie]

My husband is a neurologist, and he always says that the minimum time spent with a patient is 30 minutes. New patients get 60-90 minutes. And yes, hammers and pat-a-cake are always involved. Your more recent neurologist sounds like she's more in this school of thought.

I second the eBay suggestion. I get a ton of my girls' clothes off of there.

Loved the video!

[kathleen999]

I just love that her nickname is Cricket. Too cute for words.

Now is a good time to buy online from whatever brand you know will fit them. You should be able to find spring things online at childrens place or gap etc.

You are so Wodehousian today! You lashed your tail and meant it to sting but you forgot to cast someone into outer darkness where there is wailing and gnashing of teeth.

Glad you are getting better and I vote for no lupus.

[Beth]

How do you get anything done (I assume you get things done: bathing, feeding, etc {I mean, for yourself}) when you have that delicious, chortling imp to follow about and worship? That laugh, oh my.

Lupus, eh? Well, that would certainly hang the goat, wouldn't it?

(My numbness and tingling {neck, shoulders, arms} stems from bone spurs between the vertebrae in my neck. Bodies).

[shriekhouse]

Hmm... you may want to inquire if you've been screened for celiac disease. Peripheral neuropathy (schmancy for "nerve weirdness") and canker sores are typical symptoms.

And - DANG cute kids, as ever!

[Cris]

Love the video! Hate the lupus idea.

Here in Chicago, Caroline's spiritual home, we do the twice yearly used clothing sales and stock up by one or two sizes. Things are so cheap I don't mind if they end up not wearing them. But I remember trying to buy a sled in January, when there were only swimming items to be found. Why? What happened to the 'just in time' movement in retail?

I think most neurologists are patient averse because they are so conscious of how freakin' little they really know about something incredibly important.

[Erin]

We ended up with a bunch of those boring white onesies too..we tie dyed them! Lily deserves so much more than plain old white all the time.

[Shelby]

Check out the sales racks in kids stores now. Since they're always a season ahead, usually the stuff on sale is exactly what you need!

[emilynere]

You may have already figured this out with doctor google, but just in case. The numbness on the pinky side of the hand happens to me too. Sometimes it extends into my ring finger and the pinky side of my middle finger. Its from a thing called orbital tunnel syndrome which is the same as carpal tunnel syndrome but it's in your elbow. Do you spend a lot of time with your elbow on the table and your head resting in your hand? A few weeks of avoiding positions where I was leaning on my elbow and the problem went away.

[NGS]

Once I lost my winter hat. In February. In Minnesota. When I went to Target, Kohl's, and assorted other retailers, they had swimsuits out!! But no hats.

I was pissed.

[Not My Mother]

So glad the neurologist didn't find anythign to be alarmed about. Except the lupus fixation... I knew a girl with lupus, and yeah, you don't want that. So no lupus please.

Now I want to go home so I can see the video, damn firewall blocking thing!

[bethany actually]

Maybe the woman buying summer infant clothing was about to take a long trip to visit her mom in San Diego, or some similarly balmy locale. I lived in Tempe when my daughter was a baby and in October when it was 100 degrees there I had to shop for winter wear for our upcoming trip to Omaha.

Glad the numbness doesn't seem to be serious.

Love Caroline's laugh!

[Kelly]

A laughing Caroline makes my heart sing. :)

[Eli]

Could that video post be the first time I would have heard your voice in 7+ years? For some reason I was more struck with hearing it than Caroline's laugh, which is truly adorable. I just can't quite get over hearing a voice to go with all the stories. Sort of bizarre!

[Sandra]

What a beautiful child! And I really hope you don't have Lupus. My MIL has it...it's Bad Stuff.

[Laura]

Delurking to request that you post a video with every entry :) And if you do write a book, is it too much to ask for it to inculde a companion dvd? That giggle made my day! My daughter is a few months younger than the twins, and my husband and I love the sneak peak of the adventures in store for us in the not so distant future. And of course, here's hoping all goes well on the medical front...

[tree town gal]

OK precious video of cricket blues and i too liked putting a voice to your voice. did you try on-line for long sleeve tshirts for the kiddos. i had some luck at lands end and looked only because i too couldn't find one blasted acceptable thing - anywhere. but, um, my little son is set for the heat of august as long as he only grows two sizes between now and then. otherwise, i have a lovely pile of clothes for the salvation army.

[Hair gets in your eyes]

ARE THOSE BANGS???

[vanessa]

A.
Glad you are OK.
B. OH MY LORD Caroline is SO CUTE.

[Alexicographer]

I don't like to shop. I get my sons clothes off ebay in lots. Goodwills -- we have a very nice one near us, and surely you Minnesotans can do as well as us North Carolinians -- are another good place to find children's clothes that are in season and/or inexpensive enough that you don't mind buying a few different sizes for them to grow into (some of).

[Helen]

What a cute video. It's hard to believe she can get any cuter, but with sound and movement, it's so possible. Now it would only be fair to have one of the others too. :)

[Gina]

Regarding the problem of: "However, I know that by the time the hot weather rolls around all of the retailers will have moved to snowsuits and fleece."

Many retailers (Target, etc.) have a 90 return policy. I have been known to buy the seasonally appropriate items that I will want for my son in a couple of months in whatever sizes I think he might be. Usually this means two sizes (e.g., 12 - 18 months and 18 - 24 months). I keep the receipt and the tags on and then when the appropriate weather rolls around we try on the clothes and I return the ones that don't fit.

I have told friends this and they either consider me brilliant or are horrified.

Oh, and I sincerely hope you do not, but if you do have lupus it is not the end of the world. Speaking from personal experience.

[michelermom]

Oh Caroline is adorable! More video please!
How I wish you were here in TX to shop the clearance racks at Carter's. Tons of cute long sleeve onesies, and cheap because no one here needs them - its 90 degrees!

[Jessica]

I don't think there is a single blog I enjoy reading more than yours.

[bree]

Maybe we could trade a little bit -

I have a 12 month old who wears an 18 month size in pants (and is growing out of them) and fits into SIX month stuff for the torso.

[minni]

TOO FREAKING CUTE!

[winecat]

I could die from the cuteness, especially the giggle.

Glad to hear it appears you have nothing serious but keeping my fingers crossed until the test results return just in case.

[Betty M]

I'd rather you didn't have lupus but if you do, speaking from my own experience, it can be fine. Perhaps the neuro just has a House fixation - they always say lupus when they have run out of ideas - it never is though.

I hate the seasonality rubbish - since when did babies follow the collections?

[Cat]

Ditto re: maternity clothes! Bought giant bathing suits in April since when I need them in July they'll have moved on to winter. But how do I really know what will fit/look semi-okay then?

[Mary]

I can't see it. Help!

[~Lucy~]

I second Jessica - out of all the blogs I read, I love yours the best.

[Reba]

Wow I am with Eli. I have been reading this blog for 5 years and to suddenly hear your voice is so strange! Sort of like hearing your own voice on an answering machine or in a home video.

[Jenny]

What you want are these from the Gap: http://www.gap.com/browse/product.do?pid=391331012&tid=GOAF112&ap=2&siteID=1609763
They are super lightweight but long sleeved so perfect for year-round wear. I love them and am so jealous you can buy them in bigger sizes in the US.

[Yet Another Jenny]

Oh the giggles! Good gravy!

[Ann]

Caroline is very cute! Being more of an Edward type, I'm feeling the urge to research the "runes of Elder Futhark" myself. Maybe Caroline could support both of us!

Sadly I have no kids of my own, but I have a sister who swears by good thrift stores and has found some amazing practically unworn kids clothes of all seasonal varieties.

[jchris]

Do you not watch House? One thing that show has taught me: It's NEVER lupus.

[Aurelia]

About the seventh nerve palsy? So strange, but I have a friend who was diagnosed with it after a high risk pregnancy with a possibly messed up placenta.

Everyone tells her that it's not a big deal and they've never heard of it, blah blah...but now? I sent her this link. Hopefully you two can email.

I am more convinced than ever that pregnancies affect our long term health. Sigh

Good luck, you at least seem to be getting better treatment from your Doctor than I am!

[Cindy]

Sounded like the start of "Piano Man" to me...soon she'll be working on the whole Billy Joel catalog. :-)

Good video of a very cute girl...keep 'em up!

[Tammi]

onesie extenders

especially if you just need length.

OneStepAhead has a pack of like 10 that have various snap -sizes, important because every brand has different sized snaps.

[Elizabeth]

Gap dot com sells long-sleeved stuff all year round. I live in Boston which is also chilly in May.

[Mrs.Square]

I have the same issue with trying to buy toddler clothes. Do you think there are any jeans to be found at Target? Nnnnnooooo. And that is the only place I know which size and brand will fit her. Because Oshkosh is unpredictable, Circo is too large, Garanimals is too small and Cherokee is jussstttt right.

Sounds a bit like Goldilocks, I think I need to get out more.

[Kate]

Old Navy (online and in stores) has the long-sleeved onesies. Some are cute, even.

[Deanna]

Now if you can just teach her to play "Wildwood Flower!"