'Tis A Fine Barn

Last year Patrick presented me with a homemade Mother's Day card that featured the memorable line:  I love my mommy she is so so sweet she is my favorite mommy... But more I love my daddy.

This reminded me ever so slightly of my friend Christine's friend Kristine's father who reportedly punctuated the birth of his third child by telling his wife, "I want you to know this doesn't change anything - I'm still leaving you." And he did; although I am sort of surprised that the L&D nurses did not beat him to death first. Not that Patrick is a rat bastard like C's friend K's f. just that one sometimes wonders at the male of the species' need for emotional clarity over tact: although I love you, Mother, I fear it would be dishonest of me to imply through construction paper and crayon hearts that my love for you exceed that which I feel for my Dad.

You know, the traditional Mother's Day disclaimer.

This year he and Steve were gone until after dark, having driven down to Iowa in search of the warmer soil temperatures that herald earlier morels. They left on Saturday morning in a buzz of self-importance and oatmeal packets, brandishing tent stakes and talking a lot of mushroom hunting smack. Caroline, Edward and I rolled our eyes, waved them a cheerful bye-bye and then went back to enjoying all of the hot and cold running water that we have here. It was Patrick's second camping trip and his first overnight alone with Steve. They both had a great time and it is unfortunate that I find morels so unspeakably gross (avert your gaze if you are a wild mushroom fan but: I think they look awful and they smell like the underside of a sac - and I know you know what I mean) because they returned with over one hundred of 'em. Steve is eating them for breakfast lunch and dinner. I keep opening a window to stick my head out while I wait for the mushroomy perfume to dissipate. We're a fun couple.

Caroline and Edward went in together on a Mother's Day present for me: they both slept the night through on Saturday, thirteen glorious baby free hours. I woke up at a quarter to nine on Sunday morning to the dulcet strains of Edward singing in his crib. I was so well rested that I was shocked to find myself actually touching the bed; I assumed I would be levitating. Actually, over the past couple of weeks they have been sleeping through the night with greater and greater regularity. Caroline woke up last night (head cold again; can't breathe; needed sympathy and suction) but it was her first time in a while and Edward is on a several day streak himself. I KNOW. And they are only sixteen months, too! I overheard Steve telling his business partner the other day that Caroline and Edward are really starting to sleep through the night now. He sounded so proud of us. Like, not to brag, man, but my kids are freaking sleep prodigies. Not even a year and a half old! Solo sleeping! I didn't know whether to laugh, cry or hide my head in a grocery bag. I assume that his business partner - father of four that he is - did the laughing for me. Yes, we are pathetic. But! Apparently even pathetic people get their nine hour nights back if they wait long enough.

Rally!

When Patrick got home he gave me (in addition to the morels; aw, thank you! three pounds of sweatyball fungus - you shouldn't have) the Mother's Day present he had made for me at school: five personalized note cards with envelopes.  Very sweet. And practical, he pointed out, as I can use them to write notes to people like Nana telling her about all of the morels he found. The fact that he had personalized the note cards with the word PATRICK printed on the front in letters three inches high... well. Miss Manners does say it is appropriate to use a thin penciled line (Plaza Hotel, HMS QUEEN ELIZABETH) in these circumstances. Patrick. He makes me laugh.

On blog topics, a very nice and talented woman named Christi re-did my banner for me so that it is now readable and appropriately hippogriff'd. I really like it and I am very grateful for her help. I have a couple of new ads this week: the vaguely disturbing weeping child and handbags. I am excited about that last one because it is fun. Clothing and purses and belts and whatnots are fun. I just sell (for a nominal fee. one might say a pittance) the space, by the way, so technically I do not get paid any more or any less if people click or buy or click and buy. But google tells me there are things called clickthrough rates whereby advertisers see how many views their ads get and then how many of those views result in someone clicking for more information. The higher the clickthrough the more successful the ad campaign. The first time I ever ran an ad here I think about three people actually clicked on it, which I suspect put me on some dreadful Avoid at All Costs; Readers Insusceptible to Consumer Marketing subheading Poss. Amish Query Mark blog list secretly circulated by advertisers. I just made all this up, you know, I have no idea if anyone even checks to see whether their ads are clicking or not. Still, I appreciate them giving me a small (very small. almost nothing) payment and as such I appreciate you giving their products your potential consideration. Like summer handbags. Fun! Not so sure about whether having a child become addicted to making me happy is a goal of mine but *primly* I am sure this works for some.

Speaking of completely unsolicited product testimonials do you want a suggestion for those on your gift list who are music-obsessed and, say, less than thirty inches tall? I bought Edward the Playskool Made for Me music player for his birthday and to say he loves it would be a criminal understatement. It's this... thing, this music playing thing with a handle and you can copy CDs for it and it has a jumbo play button and, really, like the sleeper sofas of yore it is so easy a child can use it. Edward carries it around, hits play, hits rewind, flips it over to access the menu (PLAYTIME! it screams; SOOTHING! it bellows) and generally acts like it is his boombox, yo. If I was more clever with the internet I would figure out a way to cut and paste a picture for you but I am not. Sorry. Also, for the record, it was $80 and he is almost equally as fond of this babyeinstein Takealong Tunes thing I bought for $9 at Target. It stays in his crib with him and when I go in to get him in the morning he is invariably sitting up with his yellow blanket between his knees, his blue blanket under his bottom, a book in his hands and the music playing next to him. When it stops after thirty seconds or whatever he smacks it and then returns to studying his book. Ah, he seems to be thinking, DUCK! Of course! You know, it's kinda hard to get Edward out of bed in the morning, now that I think about it. Caroline almost always wakes up first from both naps and bedtime (she gets two hours less sleep than him daily - children are different, I note. sagely.) When I finally succeed in getting Edward up I carry him downstairs and Caroline is always waiting for us. When she sees Edward she starts to clap. It is very cute but I pity the future spouse/significant other/life partner/valet who has this greeting to live up to: "Yeah, thanks for the coffee but.. why don't you ever break into spontaneous applause when I walk into the room in the morning?"     

We have one vacation planned for this summer. There was a period there (let's call it March) when almost all of Steve's clients shriveled up simultaneously and died like so many salted slugs followed by another period (let's call it April 15th) when I wrote, honest to god, checks in excess of forty (40) thousand (000) dollars ($$$) to our respective state and federal revenuers and I thought bitterly about this prepaid vacation of ours. It seemed stupid. I mean, REALLY REALLY stupid. Do you want to know something from financial planning 101? Never use money you do not actually have to take a vacation. You don't charge a vacation; you don't refinance for a vacation; you don't do anything other than take cash from your little shoebox and... anyway. Stupid. But we had already paid for it and it was mostly nonrefundable so I decided to just suck it up and look forward to it. When vacation is inevitable, relax et cetera. Then in the past month or so our uberdomestic economy began showing signs of rebounding somewhat (the clients apparently were only mostly dead) and I moved from a grudging grin and bear it approach to a more cheerful wheeeee! vacation! all I ever wanted! attitude. Then the airlines started fucking with me.  

When I bought our tickets back in February I got five seats

[Dear Julia, I will be taking a trip with my eighteen month old soon and our travel arrangements involve being on an airplane for more than two seconds. Should I sell a kidney in order to get the child his own seat? Sincerely, First Time Travel Mama

Dear FTTM,YES! For the love of all that is fucking holy YES! Under no circumstances do you want to try to hold a toddler on your lap during a flight. Try this: Move your couch until it is twelve inches away from the wall. Then sit on your couch with the child on your knees. Now try to stay like that for three hours with nothing but a baggie full of cheerios and a couple of board books. You want to kill yourself, don't you? Love, Julia PS Don't forget to bring ziploc bags]

on a direct, two and a half hour flight departing at eleven am. If it had been any more civlized it would have come with strawberries and clotted cream. Then I got an email in late March notifying me of a "schedule change." And by "schedule change" they meant that they had canceled the direct flight entirely and we would now be leaving three hours earlier and changing planes in Detroit. With THIRTY-FIVE minutes in between our scheduled Detroit arrival and our scheduled Detroit departure. I spent Thanksgiving in the Detroit airport once and I can assure you, this was not fucking happening. So I called and said what the hell, people, are you joking about this connection? And they said, no, no that is perfectly reasonable. And I said I am traveling with my husband, my seven year old and eighteen month old twins - we cannot get from our living room to our front porch in thirty-five goddamned minutes. So we kidded back and forth and they finally moved us to a slightly later flight and although it sucked so much more than my original purchase it was what it was. Fine. So this week my mother (who will be joining us for the vacation) and I realized we had a mere 58 days left until our departure so we needed to start worrying about something. We spent several days figuring out the logistics of her arrival and our arrival and we concocted an elaborate plan with many comings and goings and to'ing and fro'ing.

All of which amounted to nothing when I got yet another email yesterday from the airline informing me about yet another schedule change. This time they have canceled the mid-afternoon flight and have put us on a seven pm flight that night. So we would be arriving in Detroit at ten in the morning and could plan on spending the next nine hours there before they ditched us at our final destination around midnight. 

Gaaaaaaah!

I went online last night and puttered around looking for flight alternatives because this latest arrangement was really not going to work for me. Surely there was some way to get from point A to point B via airplane that was not actually slower than walking. This is when I discovered that ticket prices had miraculously decreased to the point that buying them yesterday would save us $900; provided the airline was willing to let us cancel our now unrecognizable existing reservation, refund the price and allow me to start from scratch. Reasonable, right?

Three hours. It took me three hours online and then on the phone and in the end I had to cry before they agreed to refund our money. All very embarrassing but I was just so angry at that point and it seemed so unfair - if I had wanted this horrible schedule in the first place it would have been half the price from the get go - and when I get frustrated I cry. Yet another reason (in addition to almost everything I did between 1988 and 1994) why I will never be elected president. 

So on the plus side I am $900 to the good. On the minus side the best new flight I could find has us leaving Minneapolis at 5:30 in the morning (five thirty! every time I think about that I want to throw up a little.)

I know I had something else I wanted to talk about but, you know, Deadliest Catch. Oh! Right! The paraguard IUD - a tale of four months and counting. Oh well it will have to wait.

Any advice on traveling with toddlers that I can worry about in the meantime? I came into Steve office today and started talking about gate checking, rather mid-thought. He stared at me for about half a minute before saying, "Oh my god, how did you know I was just sitting here worrying about whether the blue duffel bag will fit under an airplane seat in July?"

 We flew quite a bit with Patrick but by their age you could just give him a book full of grammatical errors and a purple pen and he'd be fine. Caroline? Eddybear? Will need more substantive entertainment. Also, how do you get three children, one double stroller, two car seats and enough carry-on luggage to meet every possible in-flight disaster on and off four separate planes?

PS Bedtime conversation. Patrick and his little friend have started on religion again. Somehow Friend simultaneously taught Patrick the old middle finger upwards gesture - one beloved by automobile enthusiasts from coast to coast - and then related its use to eternal damnation. This led to my having to explain swearing to Patrick in a dialogue that reminded me of nothing so much as George Carlin and the seven words you cannot say in front of your child's teddybear. Speaking of George Carlin does anyone else find it funny that he narrates some of the Thomas the Train videos? Patrick loathed Thomas and broke my heart. I tried during my solo weekend to ressurect them for Caroline and Edward ("look! Edward! that train's name is Edward too! Caroline see that train? it is sort of like a car" - Cricket is obsessed with cars since it is one of the few words she can consistently say to everyone's satisfaction) but they both continue to hate the television. Edward is good with buttons and he just turned it off after Caroline crawled on the couch to retrieve the remote.

We went back to playing with the laundry basket but I admit I was a little bitter. He is a really useful engine, damn it.

Comments

[Mrs. Sprinkles]

Personally, I enjoy Carlin much more than the narration by Brosnan in the new movie. He makes the trains sound nancy whereas Carlin had some heft in his voice.

Yes, I've watched enough Thomas to have actually given this some thought.

[Lisa in Seattle]

Get thee a DVD player for Patrick, benedryl doses for the twins, and your own bottle of red wine. Steve can fend for himself, I think. Oh wait, 5:30 a.m. you say? Hmm. Maybe benedryl for you, too.

[haitian-american family of three]

I have no advice and boy do I need it since we leave on Thursday with our 2.5 year old to fly NINE HOURS on a flight to Europe. I am scared. Very, very scared.

[Natalie]

First time posting...

"Mom, what does [this gesture] mean," asked my first grader. "It means the same as saying a dirty word to someone," I replied. "Hunh. Well, then I guess [boy who I never liked] doesn't like girls very much then, 'cause he does it to all of them."

I traveled from Houston to Oakland on a 5 a.m. flight with a 45 minute connection in Phoenix with a 4 year old boy and one 18 month old girl. My daughter projectile vomited all over the plane upon our landing in Phoenix, whereupon we stripped her naked, wrapped her in an airline blanket, and then carried her/ran through the gift shop to purchase new clothes. (All the while, people making comments on my "oh, now nice, she's au natural" baby.)

If you don't take Advice A - don't do it, then take Advice B, which is much like Lisa's - Benedryl across the board.

[llc]

Giggled madly throughout this posting.

I cannot believe the evil you have to deal with for airline travel. I've never had a flight cancelled or changed, but I fly SW (who also let me fix my own price changes online, takes me minutes and no sobbing). Don't underestimate the delights of Dramamine as a traveling companion.

I bought an Casio electronic piano keyboard at a garage sale for $5 - kids used it for years. Thwacking the various "beat" keys for constant music, and the sound was far less offensive than most of the toys out there.

[Olya]

Test the Benedryl beforehand - it makes some kids hyper ;-( Gate-check the double stroller. If the little ones are over 22 lbs, then perhaps buying two CARES harnesses (http://www.kidsflysafe.com/) will allow you to check the car seats as luggage.

Pack their favorite foods and drinks, and maybe buy some new toys that you are pretty sure they will like, to distract them if they start getting bored and ornery :-) Do they have favorite toys that are small enough to take to the plane (and won't drive the other passengers nuts, so unfortunately the music thingie is out)?

Try to get them to drink something during takeoff and landing - will help with the ears popping.

Oh, and perhaps heavily medicate yourself, to survive the flights ;-)

I am taking my three boys (ages: 4, 2.5, and 9 mo) to Russia in a month, by myself. I think I should get my sanity checked...

[Meg]

Dear God Julia, you poor bugger.

I recommend a portable DVD player, plus if you can, see if you can find a book or two or three of their favourite TV characters and hide them away before the trip? < 18 months is tricky!!

At barely 2 my daughter was interested in SOME quietish things, like reading and colouring, but only for mere milliseconds at a time. A portable DVD player helped a lot. Mostly I had to sing to her / play games with her / etc. basically every single minute.

GOOD LUCK.

[terri c]

Good heavens with that airline schedule I must say I hope they allow benzos in your carry on luggage. Not for the children, for YOU. I do not envy you, not one whit do I envy you.

Did the doc ever call back with the results of your bloodwork? We are still holding thumbs for NO LUPUS, here.

[Gina]

OMG, that Mother's Day card story made me laugh soooo hard! That is a priceless one and I'm sure you kept it. I took my 3 youngest kids to the theatre recently to see Thomas and Friends (it was only $2.50 a person...cheap entertainment) . My 9 yr old daughter and I giggled constantly at how many different ways Thomas (and his friends) could "toot". Grandly, quietly, loudly, excitedly....My daughter also did her version of the "toot" with a raspberry every time. So funny!
Traveling with little ones sucks. At least on the airplanes. Sometimes it's easy...sometimes not. My 6 month daughter (at the time) waited until we were on the airplane and seated (both ways) to poop her diaper. Holy smokes, the bathrooms are soooo small on the airplane and I had to change a poopy baby! They might fall asleep from all the rumbling...like being in a car. Maybe. Hopefully. A little Benedryl for their runny noses wouldn't hurt either. :)

[Sarah]

Wow! Long post, lots of stuff covered, but since I'm incapable of thinking back further than 3 seconds, I'll just say, Thomas the TRAIN? Is that what you call him in the US? He's Thomas the Tank Engine here. And narrated by Ringo Starr. You know, from somewhat popular beat combo, The Beatles. Are we talking about the same thing? blue train? with a face?
Nice banner, by the way...

[Sarah]

oh, PS, we took my toddler daughter on an 8-9 hour flight from the UK to the US. But I also had my Mum, my Dad, my husband and my sister, so we just rotated her. We had books, snacks and small plastic animals to walk about on the fold down trays.
We also sandwiched her in the middle of the block of seats so when she wanted to gurn at the person behind her, or hold on to the hair of the person in front of her, at least that person was related.
So, my recommendation is for adults to outnumber kids 5 to 1. Good Luck!

[G]

I fly quite frequently from Europe to the US (and back) with my 5 and 2 year old. With a double stroller, two Britax car seats,etc. What I have learned: gate check everything you can. The skycap is your friend. If you tip security, they will let you park by the gate while husband runs in to get ticket (if needed- JFK that was so great). Sky caps are, again, unbelievable. Your twins are too young to carry their own carryons, but you can hang a heckuva lot on a double stroller and you are entitled to: a diaper bag per child, a carry on per child, a "purse per child) and you and DH, of course. You can, with prethought, hang all these on and around a double stroller while also having rolling luggage that is carry on.
When we waited for 5 hours for a connecting flight in NY, we made a fortress with our carryons and the children played in and around it. It was hysterical. I also brought Princess and fairy etch a sketch, those booklets that when you draw on them with water make paintings then dry out and are blank again, and they loved listening to our ipods (who knew! Next time we will give them their own). Note- all their carryons were filled with books, crayons, etc- I carried the changes of clothes, fluids, food, Cheddar fish (highly recommend snack pak ziplocks with multiple kinds of food- never rely on airlines). Our last trip was Berlin-JFK-Westchester-Albany-MA-Westchester- JFK-Orlando-JFK- Berlin and we survived!

[Jennifer]

I heard the best piece of advice lately. When the early boarding call is made one parent goes on with all the crap - I mean, all the adorable things that one brings on a plane with baby - and the other parent waits in the seats to board with baby last. I haven't tried this myself, and I'm not sure how that works with twins, (somehow I picture Patrick and Steve boarding first and having a grand time, but that leaves you waiting at the gate with two for quite a bit) but my blog friend said this was the best thing ever. Plus all the other people on the plane were then predisposed to think of them as really considerate travellers. Something to consider, anyway, as it could shorten the stuck in the plane time by 15 to 30 minutes.

[Heather B.]

This is RE: The ads and because I must say that it's a Hayden Harnett ad and HH bags are my personal favorites. I own five. Oh, and a pair of shoes. So good choice on that one.

[TeacherMommy]

I am almost in tears. I LOVE this post. My morning kinda sucked, so thank you for the gift of laughter.

Not having traveled by air with my toddlers as yet, I have no real offerings. My own travels (as a toddler and with toddler siblings) were long ago, too long for my worn brain to recall.

But good luck!

[Jennifer]

After hauling the carseat through London Heathrow and DFW last week, I'm seriously thinking about that CARES Harness thing. Pricey, yes. Being able to feel my arms after hauling a 25 lbs toddler, duty free, carryon, carseat, etc through security and the hour long walk to the gate? Priceless.

http://www.kidsflysafe.com/

Ooh, it appears you can just rent them as well. http://www.travelingwithkids.com/proddetail.php?prod=784&cat=533

[katie]

i hate traveling so much, and the one time we did it with a toddler it was horrid, i've contemplated getting pregnant just so that i don't have to fly for christmas this year. pathetic, but if two lines ever show up on that stick, it's my excuse for not spending time with the in-laws in december. whee!

[DrSuz]

I vividly remember my first "solo" parent flight after I had my second child- standing at the door where you must gate check the stroller with panic- - how to get on the plane with two car seats, a six week old, a twenty month old, and a couple of diaper bags. It seemed like that old brain teaser about the fox and the chicken and the corn in a boat. If it hadn't been for a traveling businessman/dad who sensed my impending tears, I would still be standing there five years later.

For travel, I recommend a bag of toys they have never seen before- like small flashlights, magnetic toys, small things to manipulate. And LOTS of snacks. LOTS. (but learn from my mistake- chocolate covered raisins are incredibly messy in the hands/mouths of toddlers.)

For music- I recommend the Sweet Pea 3 MP3 player- my toddler loves his "radio" and carries it everywhere. He has dropped it many times without demolishing it the way I did my iPod. And the volume controls are hidden. LOVE it!

[Kristin]

George Carlin narrating the Thomas videos amuses me almost as much as Little Richard singing the theme to The Magic School Bus.

As for traveling with toddlers, raid the dollar store and get a bunch of cheap shit that will be new and novel and you won't care if it gets lost.

[Kate]

We have a go go kids for our toddler. It is a cart that you strap your carseat to, then wheel them through the airport and onto the plane. Lower the handle, buckle the carseat into the airplane seat and voila seat and child are on the plane, stroller is checked.

The only slight problem is that our carseat attached to the go go contraption does not fit through the x-ray machine. Do not take it apart! The TSA people will happily hand inspect it...

[Marguerite]

re; twins preemptively ruining the others relationship with their significant other had me in tears!
Flying: We just flew from Europe to Canada with our 4yo and 2 twin boys aged 20 months. I started worrying about it and researching jetlag etc. maybe 3 months before we flew!
I can't recommend the CARES harnesses mentioned above enough. The really were a lifesaver, because they mimicked the same sort of restraint as car seats while still being pretty comforable (as far as I could tell!). However, the don't fit on all types of seats (according to my husband) but we were lucky. It is much cheaper to rent them if you can, too.
We also had one of us preboard with all our luggage (2 carryons+various little bags) and set up the seats etc and then come back for the other adult with the kids. That way, the boys were able to run around and didn't have to be cooped up right away.
Another thing we did was pack the carry ons in such a way that everything inside it was in its own little bag (one bag for clothes, one for food, one for toys, an extra empty one+space to pack coats etc.) that made the un- and repacking way easier.
Good luck!

[Jenny Eagle]

Two words: Luggage Cart. We just returned from a 2 hour flight with our 20 month old. We had our luggage, britax car seat, umbrella stroller and golf clubs, and the cart was a godsend! I wouldn't check the car seat (God forbid it gets lost - then you arrive with no car seat) - so I gate checked the car seat and stroller and rode with my daughter on my lap. She was more intrigued with everything on the plane than the whole bag full of toys I brought. Snacks were a hit - as well as drinks. She was very entertained by stickers.

I took a Xanax (flight anxiety) and was WAY more calm than my husband, who had a few drinks.

Good luck! Again - luggage cart!!

[Jen]

Don't fret that Edward and Caroline may never like Thomas--there is still hope! A few months ago, my son walked into the room, saw Curious George was on, and said suspiciously, "I don't LIKE that monkey." Now, he demands to watch George as often as possible.

As for the traveling with toddlers...good luck! Snacks and toys are essential, as is as much paid help as you can wrangle (sky cap, etc.). Good luck!

[the sandwich life]

oh I miss Thomas the Tank Engine so much....and Edward was one of the nicest engines....sigh....they were SO soothing....I'd like to just crawl into their little world.....they need more women actually so it would be a win-win kind of thing....

[Marsha]

"talking a lot of mushroom hunting smack"

That has to be the funniest damn thing I have ever read. Fabulous and I can't wait to steal it and use those words in casual conversation.

Flying: I don't know. After our last experience with kids and air travel we decided to never go anywhere again.

[Maria]

I will NEVER, EVER, be able to look at a morel the same way again! Maybe the shitake industry should use in an ad campaign: Buy shitakes, half the price of morels and no scrotal smell!

PS. Thanks for the Princess Bride reference. It's one of my all time favorites!

[Emily Faulkner]

Re: Getting your crap to and fro airplanes

Buy a GoGo Kidz Travelmate for both car seats (best $90 I ever spent) so you can wheel them through the airport. The handles are long enough to sling your carry-on bags over so they become part of the whole wheeled car seat package. Have Patrick carry a back pack with whatever he needs, and you and Steve can manage the seats, stroller, etc. Allow extra time obviously for getting on and off the plane.

Good luck!

[Willa]

My 17-mo old spent most of an 11-hour flight tearing up the pages of the inflight magazine, toys be damned.

[Erika]

This post, combined w/ the blackberry scone I just had, is predictive of a good day. At least for me.

I have nothing to offer you on flying. I'm leaving Friday for Hawai'i--just me and a 6-yr old and 13 hours of travel, each way--and I have no idea whether either of us will be alive at the end of it.

But! On the subject of men and tact: I have a friend whose British boyfriend, in the process of dumping her, uttered this classic line: "I am not unfond of you."

That is all.

[elsimom]

My only advice for traveling with toddlers is this: bring a bottle for each of them. Whether or not they're paci kids, and even if they're already weaned from the bottle (I know - this can be a deal with the devil, but it will be worth it!) they will go back to it - and if the ears are bad, drinking a bottle seems to work the very best.
Gum for Patrick for the same reason.
Ears seem to be the one thing that will make a kid truly miserable on the plane.

Anything else is strictly "your kid may vary". We've brought benadryl "just in case" but never actually used it.

For our kids - their behavior on the way there (new, novel, not yet exhausted) is better than on the way back (see: exhausted = cranky for children AND parents).

We just got back from the big family wedding/Disneyworld pilgrimage. All three kids (7, almost 5, 1) were pretty good both directions. The toddler was very wiggly, but also very happy, and did conk out on Daddy's lap for a bit in each direction.

FINALLY - I want to second the Xanax. I have been an increasingly nervous flyer for many years - to the point where I thought it would not be good for the kids for Mommy to be such a wreck (Imagining trying to reasonably/successfully explain to a 7 and 5 year old always full of questions that we weren't actually going to crash, but Mommy was afraid that we were -time for medication) - and I finally asked my RNP (I really didn't think they'd give me anything . . .) It didn't make me totally comfortable with turbulence, but it did make me much less uncomfortable, and less panicked, and accordingly I felt like I was better able to help manage the kids because I was not freaking out about every bump and gripping the arm rest while saying the Hail Mary. I will take this every time I fly. (I've also threatened to take it before we go to Chuck E. Cheese - but I was kidding . . .sort of.)

Good luck! I hope your trip is awesome.

[Karen]

The last time we flew anywhere that required connecting flights we only had two kids--a five year old and a barely one-year-old who was still drinking from bottles. Said one year old yakked all over the floor of one of the tiny planes on the way home, and after that vacation never wanted a bottle again. He self-weaned, I'm saying. But aside from the yakking, he did great most of the time.

With our current two year old, who will not sleep anywhere but on his mattress (not kidding, we went to a hotel on Easter Sunday weekend and it was a. frakking. nightmare) we are only doing trips that require maximum two hours in a car.

But, you know, good luck with that! I've found that Magnadoodles are the awesome--you can get little miniature ones--if the kids can manipulate them satisfactorily. Also bring a laptop that can play DVDs. This saved our bacon on the flight out to Montana.

[Karen]

Oh, and George Carlin was the BEST Thomas the Tank Engine narrator. I spit upon Alec Baldwin and his ilk. Carlin was the bomb. Not just because whenever we watch it i am transported back to when I was listening to his albums on cassette tape: "I used to be Irish Catholic, now I'm an American. You know, you grow."

[Karen]

And I second the advice of not boarding first with the kids. Who decided that was a good idea? You want the kids to be running around in the boarding area, expending as much energy as possible, up until the last possible moment. So one adult should bring all the junk onto the plane, possibly with Patrick, earlier, and get settled, and the one with the kiddyfinks gets on at the last possible moment, when the stewardess is practically yelling into the intercom, "THE PLANE IS LEAVING NOW!"

[Elin]

Best advice I can give - DON'T LET THE TSA TEAM (or the other passengers) RUSH YOU THROUGH SECURITY. Take your time going through that portal of hell.

I was taking my little one through checkpoint in Phx in a baby sling a few years back. I was totally prepared - had everything perfectly balanced, ziplock baggies with liguids prepared and readily accessible. I'd carefully planned my approach;; when I would remove what from my bags, how I would slip the babe out of the sling, remove my jacket, then go through security. When I unclipped the sling to remove the baby from it the TSA guy nearest me barked at me to keep the baby on (but be sure take off the baby's shoes). I'm thinking "I can hide a bomb in his shoes, but I can't hide one in between his body and mine in this sling? Or under my jacket?"

Then, I'm hearing all the rumbling and rustling and shifting and hemming and sighing behind me, so I quietly do as I'm told, begin to walk through the metal detector with my arms out so they can see I don't have a bomb in the sling WHEN THE BABY STARTS TO PITCH FORWARD HEADFIRST TOWARDS THE FLOOR BECAUSE I HADN'T CLIPPED THE BABY SLING BACK TOGETHER!

Thankfully the adrenaline began to flow when the guy started barking at me so I was juiced enough to be able to catch him football style just before he hit the floor. The female TSA agent on the other side of the gate looked at me with horror stricken eyes and said "Great catch! Are you okay?"

Take your time. You can't get to where you are going if you drop or lose anyone or anything.

And breathe.

[rosie_kate]

Oh, I love when you post-- I always know I'm gonna laugh so hard. Especially the line about the Mother's Day fungus. I almost died.

Airlines are horrid, aren't they? I recently booked a trip with my 4 year old, and at first my credit card put up fraud protection barriers, so when I used another card, the website wouldn't let my buy it. So when we called them, the wanted to charge a fee for booking on the phone. When we protested, they told us to suck it. If they change our schedule on us, I too will cry. And then there's the whole "pay for luggage" deal which is infuriating.

And here's hoping your littles learn to love Thomas.

[Pam]

I wouldn't bother bringing car seats on the plane. Just use the seat belts. If the plane crashes it's not like a car seat is going to help any. Good luck! Great post!

[Denise]

"We flew quite a bit with Patrick but by their age you could just give him a book full of grammatical errors and a purple pen and he'd be fine."

ROTFLMAO.

Patrick is my soul mate.

[Kirsten]

I love your hodge-podge posts.

My daughter loves my iPod, and I just have lots of music on there she can listen to, and I am not allowed to listen to *my* music. It's a very small price to pay.

Also, please tell Steve to send all of your allotment of the morels to me.

[Sarah]

You morel story made me laugh. My husband (also Steve) has had me painstakingly looking for them for the last 3 weekends up here (none found so far). Could you ask your Steve what might be our dilemma? He has searched high and low and found not a one.

I feel your pain about the Detroit airport as that is where I'm from and have to consistantly fly to and from it. There is NO flippin way you'd make it to your next gate in 35 minutes. At least the (WAY) early flight will allow for less crowded-ness. It might make the maneuver of "grab family and go" less stressful.

[Amy]

I hate the airlines. I will never forget being told upon check in that one of our seats had been bumped. We had to hold our then 2 year old son during a 3 hour tarmac delay plus the flight from NJ to Colorado. I truly know now what hell is like.

Good luck with your flight.

[Stacy]

To respond to Pam--yes, if the plane crashes a car seat probably won't help, but in case of turbulence (MUCH more likely) a car seat is definitely the safest place to be. And considering that you'll probably be driving anyway once you reach your destination, might as well have familiar seats for that.

My favorite airplane toys are stickers (they peel right off clothing and the cloth on the seats) and colorforms (to stick on the windows) but your twins might be a bit young for those....?

[Steph]

Hmmm . .
We live and breath Thomas . . I like Alec Baldwins voice the best.

Might you want to stay in a hotel near the airport so you don't have to get up so early???

We traveled to Disney with our 7 year old and our 3 year old last September, we paid the curb side guy to load us up and get us going . . it was so worth the $15.00.

Gummy bears for the kids ears so they are chewing when you take off.
Possibly a photo album with cool pictures of your family or animals or something like that for the twins to look at on your flight.

Hope it goes well and you get to relax a bit.

[Erin]

Count your blessings that you have tank engine haters in your house. I have so much damn Thomas propaganda in mine that I swear I must have paid for Carlins funeral.

[Casey]

Dude, you do not want your little ones on a plane without car seats. I mean, I hate to say it like this, but there will come a point when you want them buckled in (for safety, of course that's what I mean. Safety!). The seat belt on a plane will not keep them in place for long. Plus, they probably feel comfortable in their car seats...it's familiar to them, so even if they protest, it won't last too long.

I have recently flown a few round-trips with my 5 1/2 and 1 1/2 year old and once I got the younger one buckled in, I rarely let her out for fear that I would NEVER get her back in. And she was fine with it.

I did not use any Benadryl or the like. We sang songs (who can hear you over the planes engines?) and ate snacks and had some toys. If you rotate seats with Steve and Patrick enough, you'll probably entertain the hell out of them with simple change of scenery (facial, that is).

As for ears vis-a-vis take-off and landing: a sippee cup is probably fine for releasing pressure. I think gummy bears may be a bit much for them at their age...other chewy/crunchy things might be the way to go. My little one didn't really even notice the pressure change, and seemed fine with the sippee.

You're a brave woman...

Oh, one last thing. I fly mostly USAirways in and out of Detroit (when returning to MI for family things), and 99% of the staff is UNHELPFUL when it comes to boarding with babes. Yes, they provide early boarding for families, but as soon as your feet cross the threshold of the gateway/corridor, they board the next set of seats. Effectively giving you NO extra time to board. (This has only been disproven by that airline once in 6 years of flying with kids.) So, do not count on the airlines for much help, support or sympathy. Just light a fire under Steve's ass and hopefully it will all go smoothly.

Good luck!

[Kate]

I just recently traveled twice, alone, with my 16-month old. On my lap.

You know those Color Wonder markers that only color on that special paper? Those. Both for coloring and for taking the tops on and off. Don't talk to me about choking hazards--if V were inclined to put them in her mouth, I would not have given them to her. :)

Also, books with buttons that make sounds. Everyone will hate you, but not as much as they would if your kids scream for 3 hours. I saved that for Emergencies.

Plus? My ipod. She couldn't hurt it, really, and she liked the screens and buttons.

[Pam L]

But she will need the car seats once she gets where she's going anyway, so might as well use them on the plane. Otherwise you've got two squiggly babies sliding out from under their seal belts and roaming around the plane when you look away for 1 second, at least Caroline will.

For some reason no matter how many ways I try, I always end up with a way earlier than I want it to be flight. We are leaving for Nags Head on Friday. I had scheduled an 8:30AM flight thinking, that's not too bad,we don't have t leave the house until 6:30, which means getting up by 5-5:15 for me. Nope, they changed it now to a 7:30am flight so now it's up at 4:15 for me as I am not one of those roll out of bed , hop into jeans, and fly kind of gals. I need my shower, my coffee and my waking up time.

[Nancy]

Re: Benadryl. My friend once caved and tried to give it to her daughter on the plane only to have her scream at the top of her voice, "But I'm not sick, Mommy!" She spent the rest of the flight trying not to meet anyone's eyes.

[Sarah]

My sympathies. Last month we took a one hour flight to avoid a six hour drive with our car seat hating 9 month old. DH and I brought my mom for two reasons -- he lurvs her and we needed a sitter at the destination. Anyway, we barely survived the whole luggage, car seat/stroller wrangling, car renting fiasco. DS may never visit his grandparents (who live at the destination) again because getting there takes several years off my life, either with a screaming kid in the car for far too long or by attempting to get all his stuff and him to their house in one piece on a plane. Ugh.

Oh and the airlines we flew no longer do family first boarding at all. UA and AA just said screw it and board with the rest of the passengers. The passengers in line behind us were not happy with our million pieces of gate checked stuff and neither were we.

Next time we are going back to Southwest Airlines -- they don't charge for bags and I think they still let families board first.

[lb]

I've done the early morning flight thing a few times with 3 little kids and truly it does suck. I usually put them to bed in their clothes and then give them breakfast in their carseats on the way to the airport. Change diapers in the airport washroom while Steve is checking in. My kids have always woken up remarkably quickly once they realize today! is the day! so the morning goes well. It's more the resulting late-afternoon crankfest/crash that becomes the problem. Hopefully by then you are at your destination. I find it much preferable to having a late flight where they are already tired + cranky to begin with.

[Lisa]

What is up with those schedule changes? I have been flying several times for year for ten years now and almost always buy from the major travel sites, and I've never experienced these "schedule changes" in such abundance. I'm getting married in July and I bought our flights back in February and we will now have a six hour layover in Atlanta on the way to our Caribbean honeymoon and will now check into our ($200 per night) room at midnight!!! WTF. Seriously. I'm only hoping if I drop the "honeymoon" card at the airport in Atlanta someone will take pity on us and get us on an earlier flight.