Lo Que Se Llama Cerveza

How are you feeling, Patrick?

And when your temperature goes above 103 again?

We are on day six seven of Patrick's plague and... everything is mildly awful. I took these pictures of him after we returned from the doctor as it was the first time all week he had been out of pajamas and I wanted to mark the occasion.

Other than the clinic trips, he has fallen into a routine:

5 am - climbs into bed with me complaining about the fact that he is hothothot
5:01 am - falls into a deep sleep after kicking the blankets off both of us and stealing my pillow
9 am - wakes up and wanders into the living room where he stares into space until someone takes his temperature; 103.infinity
9:01 am - downs motrin/tylenol
9:32 am - fever down to 100! never felt better in his life! WHY can't he go outside WHY can't he have a friend over WHAT book should he read no he's read that one and that one; not that one but he doesn't WANT to read it and it is back to the same four episodes of Tom & Jerry that we have on tivo
3:00 pm - stares into space as his temperature hits 103 again
3:01 pm until 5:01 am - feverish and miserable 

On Wednesday our pediatrician stated that every kid who has walked into his office in the past week with sustained high fevers has swine flu so... walks like a duck; quacks like a duck. Swine flu, for heavens sake. I said, ok, but no cough? No sore throat? He listened to Patrick's lungs, which are as clear. Then he looked at Patrick's tonsils and recoiled. What ho? I asked. He showed me Patrick's throat which is a gross pulpy mass of gross gross gross. Gross.

"Your throat doesn't hurt?" we asked, incredulous.

"No," said Patrick.

The doctor took him off the antibiotics, checked his platelets (up significantly but still subnormal) and told me to call him on Friday (uh, today I guess) to check in. Since Patrick still had his morning/evening fever and his lymph nodes have begun to swell like sponges I am bringing him back into the doctor this afternoon.

As I said to my mother, if he doesn't have swine flu yet he'll certainly get it if we keep going back to sickville. Ho ho ho.

As I have absolutely nothing new to report from quarantine I might as well pick up the humiliating story of my early 20s, at least until it's time to go back to the pediatrician (as I left on Wednesday he asked if I had any preferences regarding our wing; I told him the only thing upon which I insist is an ornamental fountain.)

Let's see, where was I? Oh right, Honduras part one.

Random story:

After sweeping me into a passionate embrace and swearing eternal devotion Julian promptly ditched me at his place and went back to his peaceful corp work designing water systems for remote mountain villages. As a human being I commend his dedication. As a taxpayer I applaud his diligence. As a spoiled 22 year old I took stock of my new situation (very occasional electricity; a pipe sticking out of the wall that trickled cold water and acted as a shower; mosquitoes the size of my very wide feet; no Julian around anywhere) and I thought, are you fucking kidding me? What am I supposed to DO all day? Why am I even here? [hint: I shouldn't have been, of course.]

After about three days of staring at the concrete walls and playing with the children next door I decided I needed to get out of the house. So one afternoon I crossed the highway and started off for a bar I had seen a mile or so down the road. The place was deserted when I got there except for the guy behind the counter.

"Una cerveza, por favor," I said carefully. Spanish is not my second language. Or even my third.

"No," he said.

I mentally reviewed my request for errors. Seemed ok to me.

"Cerveza?" I repeated, pointing at a bottle of Salva Vida (a Honduran beer for which I have always maintained a fondness - it had the catchiest damned jingle.... "Salba Bida! da da da DA cerbeza!")

"No!" he said.

"Oh! Are you closed? Um," I frantically tried to remember the word for closed. Unable to come up with one I attempted a hand gesture that might have been anything and then mimed leaving and coming back later. I probably even pointed at where my watch would have been if I have ever worn a watch.

Then a guy walked in. Sat down. Ordered a beer. Was given one.  

What the... I mean, QUE?

So I pointed at the new guy's beer and then pointed at myself and repeated please and beer a few more times before I finally held up a couple of... oh what is Honduran currency called? lempira? no, I think that's a kind of eggroll in the Phillipines, I dunno, anyway... I held up some money and smiled. I assumed this was a linguistic misunderstanding, easily remedied with a round of charades augmented by props.

Whereupon the bar guy started yelling at me - really yelling - getting all finger stabby in the process. The first time I went to Honduras I was terrified that I would be murdered by banditos. What I should have been worried about was being bored out of my mind but nooooo I was in loooove... so my major fear was machete attacks. I had no idea why this person was shouting at me because I wanted a beer but he seemed fairly keen on not giving me one and how was I to know how long it would take for him to go from hollering at me to throwing my body into a ditch somewhere? So I fled. As an aside, I later learned that Honduras is actually a very nice country; friendly people, generally fond of Americans (a man once followed me through a grocery store in San Pedro Sula; nodding, smiling and shouting "Ronald Reagan! Ronald Reagan!" - not a DC native's favorite president but a nice thought nonetheless) and they are not remotely predisposed to hacking innocent travellers to death. Guatemala on the other hand...

+++

Just back from the doctor's office. Patrick's temperature (of course) dropped to a chilly 97.7 the entire time we were there. However, the pediatrician accepted that this was a fever anomaly and looked at Patrick's hideous tonsils and took more blood... the new/old assumption is that whatever else is going on Patrick has an abscess in his tonsil. He is back on clindamycin (OH MY GOD IS THIS STUFF HORRIBLE. DISGUSTING. AWFUL. I cannot believe that Patrick will not eat delicious eggs or buttery mashed potatoes but he will swallow this vile concoction three times a day) and if that fails to eradicate the whatsit then Patrick has bought himself an -ectomy next month. But I am hopeful that the new drugs will do something positive. Soon. It's his birthday next week and he is supposed to go to inventor's camp on Monday... oh and he is driving me crazy being on the couch all the time.

Every day Patrick counts aloud the hours he has spent watching television this past week and then he gives me a limpid stare, knowing that it bugs me.

"Remember, mommy, when you said I couldn't watch TV when school got out because we were not going to spend the summer that way? And now I have watched, um, twelve... thirteen... fourteen and a half hours!"

Oh, shut up and drink your bright blue medicinal Gatorade (Patrick has lost five pounds since Sunday - he officially gets to eat and drink anything he wants.)

[GOOD GRIEF Patrick is lying next to me watching a movie with his feet on my stomach. The soles of his feet felt warm so I took his temperature again and it is up to 104.2. Must go bathe child.]

....

Poor kid.

So I eventually learned that further down the road from me was a place called the Hotel Paradiso, a brothel. In order to discourage the ladies from plying their trade there, the bar from whom I was trying to purchase a beer had instituted a firm no unescorted women policy. So what the nice man was trying to tell me was: we don't serve your kind. After my initial irritation I was charmed by the idea.

"Julia, my god, how tan you are and whatever did you do with that English degree?"

"Well, I had planned on law school but a misunderstanding lead to a surprising and yet lucrative career in freelance Central American prostitution. And you?"

For the record before I left Honduras I started picking up vagrants (male) near the bar and buying them drinks in exchange for acting as my escort so I could just have a beer and read my book in relative comfort. They had a ceiling fan in there, for fucks sake. As you can guess my Spanish had improved by that point while my fear of being cubed had decreased. Besides, it amused me that yet again a policy designed to influence morality produced unintended consequences. 

I need to go check on Patrick again. He's hot like a waffle and the only caution my pediatrician gave me today was that we need to keep an eye out for signs that he's getting worse. IV ho, you know.

Two pictures:

Caroline with her luscious new bottom lip

Edward looking overwhelmingly Edwardesque - he disapproves of so much, I'm afraid, that his own bottom lip must be compressed in concern.

Comments

[Esther]

Hoping Patrick is back to his old self soon--you're in my thoughts. Keep us posted!

[Toni]

Poor Patrick. Poor Julia. Ugh. I hope it ends soon.

[teki]

Ugh. I've had 2 (TWO!) tonsillar abscesses as an adult and thought I was dying with each one. I feel for the kid if that's what he has and hope to heck he gets better soon. The ENT gave me a massive painful steriod shot to help. I hope he gets better soon and whatever he has doesn't spread to the troops!

[Becky]

I hope Patrick feel better shortly. I have to say, he sounds a lot like I did when I was 8 and had mono. It tends to present like strep and you can test negative for mono for quite some time for reasons unclear to me. But, I suspect your pedi has it all over me as he has a degree and all...

[Kath]

Oh dear, you are having a time of it, aren't you? I hope Patrick feels better very soon ....

[S]

I hope Patrick feels better soon. He does look adorable, even though he looks pale.
The other two are also adorable! and your comments on the pictures always give me a smile. :)

[R]

Aww poor Patrick. So what happened at the doctor's office today? What's the plan for the weekend if he doesn't feel better? I really really hope he does though.
Your "I was considering law school but ended up doing freelance prostitution in central america instead" line made me laugh so so hard! Hilarious.

[AnnaN]

So sorry about Patrick; the poor sweetie - and his mom - really need a break.

Thoughts and well wishes to you all.

[Betsy]

Thank you for giving us an update; I was a bit worried about Patrick after your last post.

Also? Oh my gosh, you have gorgeous kids.

[Betsy]

I should add that after this post, I'm *still* kind of worried about Patrick. I hope he is better very soon.

[Karishma]

i don't know what to DO anymore.... that star function in google reader is so overused for your posts... :)

clearly, patrick has a bionic throat. hope he gets better soon! and my lord, all your kids are so CUTE.

[susan too]

Its like that movie Groundhog day, right? every day, the same sick kid. I am so sorry, I hope this gets resolved soon. I wish I lived closer so I could come by and help;I am enamored of the twins.

[Christine]

Oh man, I hope Patrick is better very very soon. The kidlets are so freaking cute. Pat and his expressions and mixed colored socks! and Edward's gorgeous skin! and curls! and Caroline's big eyes and geebus, that lip! Too too cute.

[Olya]

Hope Patrick feels better soon! Poor little guy... Love his socks :-)

[Justin]

I was concerned until you reported he's doing things to annoy you. I have great confidence he'll be better soon.

[Rachel]

I hope Patrick feels better soon, that really sounds alot like mono. I had it for 2 months when I was a kid and tested negative for mono about 5 times before getting a positive test. I also had the disgusting throat and my tonsils met in the middle they were so swollen. I love your blog and your kids are adorable!

[Kristin]

Oh poor Patrick (and poor Julia). Hope the clindamycin does the job.

[Dara]

I hope know one else gets sick....feel better soon, Patrick!

[Ordy]

Poor Patrick and poor you! The idea of picking up vagrants and buying them drinks in order to be served in a bar is the funniest thing ever. I'm sure P will be glad that I've had something to laugh about and am no longer being quite such a bitch this morning.

[The Girl]

I vote you start making Team Patrick (and the Wonderbabies) t-shirts... First of all, because we root so hard for these kiddos. Second, because it sounds like a badass band name. Hope he gets better soon!

[Tine]

Honduran currency is indeed called lempira. Named after heroic martyred indigenous Spaniard-killing rebel dude of the 1500s.

Now I want a Filipino egg roll for lunch.

There's definitely something creepy in the air around here (meaning the general vicinity of the Twin Cities, where we also reside). My 6-year-old is currently suffering his SIXTH case of strep throat for the year. And one of his Tae Kwon Do buddies has H1N1. Sheesh. May we all see the end of this SOON.

[Chickenpig]

My 11 year old neighbor has the same illness. Friday he spent the day in the ER getting pints of fluid pumped into him because he was so dehydrated. There diagnosis seems to be "some kind of flu or virus." Come to think of it, it does sound very much like the mono I had in college, which also went undiagnosed for several visits. I hope Patrick is feeling better soon.

[vanessa]

Agh. Poor Patrick. I hope he is better soon!

[kelly]

Recently-acquired lurker here...

I hope Patrick is better soon! Poor little dude.

I am thoroughly enjoying reading about your early-twenties escapades, partly because my own were so similar, though with less exotic locales. A dear friend once described that period of life as being unable to see beyond the end of one's own nose. So true. That's not meant to be judgmental, by the way. I'm 32, married, a mom, and commiserating.

Your kids are gorgeous, by the way. That last picture of Edward made my ovaries hurt.

[kelly]

Ack. Overuse of "by the way." Dear self: proofread more next time.

[Snarky Mommy]

But I wanted to be able to say "I know someone with swine flu" and now I can't!

Hope the poor kid is better soon.

[drgretch]

Feel better soon, Patrick! Julia-Hang in there-Thinking of you here in Chicago-

[Kathryn]

Oh man, poor Patrick. Quinsy is the WORST. although in medieval England it was known as "the Squinancie," which is at least funny to say, so maybe tell Patrick he has the squinancie and see what happens.

[FlippyO]

Ugh, how awful, for all of you. I hope Patrick feels better soon. I've had swollen & pus-y tonsils off & on for the past few months and I'm obviously a big wuss, because I complain about having a sore throat alllll the time. He's clearly a much better person than I.

I'm glad he's still wearing mismatched socks. I hope he never outgrows that.

[sarah]

Hey Julia,
I know a lot of eople will get all whacky abut the tonsils and tell you they must stay in blah blah blah BUT! I had horrible tonisilltis pretty much quarterly, if not more often as a kid and a pre-teen, culminating in a tonsillectomy at age 19, which is really too late to get them out with a minimum of fuss. So please, just gett he damn things out. For some of us, they are more trouble than they are worth!

[Candace]

Surely someone has told you about "piggybacking" before now? And if not, you poor thing!

I learned about it from my former-ICU-nurse friend (and mother of three, who is also married to a pediatric cardiologist of High Repute). Here's what you do: give the feverish child a dose of your chosen brand of ibuprofen. Then, four hours later, give your child a dose of your chosen brand of aceteminophin (that's not spelled right but I can't make it look right no matter what I do). Then, four hours later (which will have been eight hours after the first dose) give your child a second dose of ibuprofen. Rinse, lather, repeat. I have since received the okay from my pediatrician to use the piggybacking method on my two kids, and have done so many times when fevers keep coming (and coming, and coming).

It doesn't do a thing to cure whatever ails the kid, but it makes the fever stay away and damn it all if that doesn't make everyone feel better.

[Carrie (in MN)]

Julia, I'm going to give you a piece of assvice, sorry. I know its not clear Patrick has The Swine (poor thing!), and you're not going to find out for sure because the MN Dept. of Health isn't testing except in high risk populations now, but if I were you, I'd ask the pediatrician for a prescription for Tamiflu for the twins. Then hold onto it in they start to come down with something that looks like H1N1 and you can start them on it within 24 hours and nip it in the bud. When I was looking for Tamiflu week before last, it was getting a little hard to find here in the Cities, so I'm concerned that if you need it you won't be able to get it quickly. You can always hang onto it for wave 2 in the fall.

My son had The Swine, as did many of his classmates here in St. Paul. I put his sisters on Tamiflu because they were leaving with my parents for Alaska (they're there now), right as one of them started to get sick. She recovered quickly and her twin never got sick.

[winecat]

I am a wimp where pain is concerned, I'm absolutely in awe of Patrick with his ghastly throat and he still looks like a human being. I hope he recovers in time for inventor's camp because that sound like way to much fun to miss.

As for the wonderbabies, Caroline's lip is indeed luscious and poor Edward looks as if his entire family has just gone off the deep end - I can almost hear him saying WTF is happening around here? Are we cursed???

[Cookie]

Oh poor Patrick! I hope he is much improved over the weekend and feels better for his birthday. Also, love that he is still wearing mismatched socks.

I am enjoying your stories from your 20's. While I am anxious to hear about how your marriage and divorce came to be, I am enjoying the journey.

Also, love the pictures of Caroline and Edward. They are so cute.

[Sandra]

I wish a speedy recovery to Patrick, of course - also wanted to mention that my son John has the same shirt, except in orange, and it is THE ABSOLUTE FAVORITE.

[Jan]

I think I can answer my question of some posts back. Yes, Edward is a redhead like you!

[Miss E]

I hope Patrick is better soon...as a kid who had poor ear-nose-throat drainage and had to swallow that icky medicine at least twice a year, I sympathize. It has only gotten mildly better as an adult, and manifests itself in the most bizarre ways - like 2 weeks after a plane trip, my one ear STILL hasn't popped. Awesome. Also, the yummy Philipino egg rolls you were talking about are called Lumpia. And they are awesome.

[Krys72599]

Thank you for these stories.
I look forward to a blog post each and every day.
With Patrick so sick I'm grateful for one every few days, but you need to know:
I'm on the edge of my darn seat, waiting for the rest of the Honduras story (or any other random story you want to share with us in your inimitable style!)!

[Karen]

Yes yes mono! If your ped hasn't included that simple blood test yet then perhaps you should take a close up photo of Patrick's disgusting tonsils and blow it up for his office wall.

My daughter (7) had mono last month and got treated with oral steroids and was 1000 times improved within 12 hours of her first dose. That was after 4 days of fever and no eating and barely drinking. And a strep diagnosis, too.

[Dawn]

I'm probably late to the draw and I haven't read the previous 10000 posts but being an ER nurse, in a Pediatric ER no less, it sounds like Patrick probably has mono. Anywho......I won't bore you with the whole "you know you can alternate tylenol and motrin every 3 hours, right?"

I sure hope the little guy is feeling better.

[CV]

How is Patrick!!?????????????!!!!!!

[terri c]

Worried for Patrick and hoping he is better in time for his birthday. Viruses are horrid nasty things that should be against the law.

[Hall]

Please let us know how he's doing... it's been a long time without an update for a kid so sick!

[Izabela]

second that