Skeletulle in the Closet

Patrick says, "What is that word I am looking for? Translucent? Imaginative? Carbon? No! I know!"

I wait.

"Well?" I finally ask.

"Well, what?"

"Well, what was the word you were looking for?"

"I'd rather not tell you. Do I have to? Do you insist that I tell you?"

And I say, no, I guess not, because who am I? The divulge a word or else enforcement committee? No.

But since it seems unfair that I - and I alone - will go to my grave never knowing what word could possibly exist at the intersection of translucent, imaginative and carbon I thought I would tell you that little story.

You're welcome.

I remembered to slather Patrick with sunscreen this morning, just not at a moment when he, I and the sunscreen were all within a hundred feet of each other. This is why he left for the school's all-day outdoor picnic completely free of SPF and glowing like a white beacon of epithelial Danger. I am not as crazy about sun safety as I am about choking hazards, but I am still plenty crazy enough for most purposes. So, of course, I drove to school and, of course, I was late and, of course, I did not know where the picnic was being held. Fortunately it is impossible to march anybody anywhere quickly (as Josephine said to Napoleon when she suggested he put off conquering Russia until the Spring) so it only took three or maybe four u-turns blithely executed on county highways before I spotted a mass of children disappearing over a distant hill. It should have reminded me of the Pied Piper; it actually reminded me of the battle hosts marching from Mordor.   

One of the things I love about Patrick is that he is never surprised to see me, even when I pop out at him from behind a bush as he and a couple hundred of his closest friends parade through a random suburban development en route to The Good Picnic Playground.

"Oh hello there, Mommy," he said as I materialized like a genie and his fourth grade buddy emitted a short sharp scream.

I coated him with sunscreen as he trotted along and then disappeared into the shrubbery again before someone could spot me and deputize me as a parent volunteer.

Caroline believes that you can bring a girl to the hippo seats but you cannot make her sit.

I call this The Dying Swan.

     

And I thought I worried about choking back when the children remained in an upright and locked position.

So am I to understand from your comments on my last post that I have never mentioned my first husband? Or, if I have done so, it was with such a lack of emphasis that it failed to register? You stun me. I would have thought at some point I would have put together one of those bloggy lists that are so popular.

Like:

Dummy Dope Things I Did When I was 23 -

1. Start law school
2. Get rid of that nice loveseat
3. Marry Andy

followed by

Marginally Smarter Things I Did When I was 24 -

1. Drop out of law school
2. Divorce Andy
3. Combine ham, cheddar and garlicky dill pickle slices on rye bread with dijon mustard

But I guess you'd know if you didn't know - and you claim you did not.

So when I say that I am afraid that one of my children will choke to death I mean that although I technically know the Heimlich manouever I am aware that I also technically know how to parallel park. Experience, however, has taught me that -  under pressure - my ability to back up at a forty-five degree angle before turning the wheel is nonexistent and I worry that my windpipe clearing skills are ditto. When I say that I am afraid of snakes I mean that I am afraid that one day a poisonous snake will leap out (possibly from a can of nuts but it could be from anywhere, really) and bite me and I will die, like Egypt's queen, unmourned by Rome. And when I say that I am afraid that one day I will be in that tiny private waiting room outside mammography wearing nothing but a hospital robe and that sitting two feet away from me reading Family Circle will be my ex-mother-in-law I mean exactly that.

I just typed a sentence, deleted it, typed another one and deleted that too. Apparently I am not particularly interested in telling you the story of my first marriage. It is all very sordid and embarrassing and there is not a single instant of it in which I appear to be remotely likable.

Tell you what. You tell me about the dumbest thing you ever did and then I'll come back and tell you the painful details (did I mention there were three roommates? and I dated them sequentially? and in the middle of the roommates I abruptly departed for Honduras to catch dengue fever while Julian corped for peace before abruptly leaving Honduras to pick up with the roommates again?) Yeah. It's a sweet romantic tale.

Speaking of actually sweet.

She runs!

She falls.

She's okay, folks!

PS Steve, who is crazy in his own right, refuses to allow me to create a sandbox in the yard because he is worried about random cats mistaking the sand for litter. I pointed out that we could make a cover and he pointed out that we would never remember to put it on. Fair enough. I then pointed out that the random cat who finds its way to our house will be so terrified by the coyotes that the last thing on its mind will be powdering its nose. Steve said no, no sandbox, but look at that great dirt pile I left for the kids! It's even better than a sandbox.

Caroline promptly slid down it on her face.

If one of you wants to mention that the dumbest thing you ever did was allow your spouse to convince you that the dregs of a topsoil delivery qualified as a sandbox substitute, feel free.

PPS I probably should mention that I dread meeting my e-m-i-l because the last I checked fifteen years ago she hated me and she was right to do so. I would be mortified. She was perfectly nice.

Comments

[Anonymous]

Wow, trying to pick just one embarrassing story is hard! The one I finally settled on happened when I was 22 (those early 20s are apparently very tough years).

I was dating a guy for about a year during my senior year of college and all was going fairly well. I then decided to pursue a master's degree in England so off I went, all the time still supposedly in this relationship. Well, soon after arriving in England, I met a guy and we started seeing each other. In an attempt to avoid any sort of uncomfortable conversation, I failed to mention this new relationship to the guy back home. I think I assumed that the old relationship would just sort of fade away and all would be right with the world. But then I heard that the old boyfriend had purchased a ticket to come and visit me. I can't remember the exact timeline of events but he eventually found out about the new guy, came to visit anyway, slept in my dorm room with me (single bed...nothing happened but jeesh...new boyfriend was not terribly pleased with this arrangement), etc. And then, on the last day of the old boyfriend's visit, I decided it would make sense if we both stayed with the new boyfriend at his place since it was closer to the train station and old boyfriend had an early flight. So I made the poor guy sleep on the floor at the foot of the bed that I was sleeping in with the new boyfriend. At the time I really didn't think any of this was that bad...ugh, I still feel guilty 8 years later!

[Anna]

Sand Box Solution:

When I was young my sister and I had a sand box my father made and I am sure it is something that Steve could whip up in a weekend. It was a typical sand box, but it had two posts on opposite sides. The posts supported a tented cover made of a pine frame and covered with a red and white strip twill. Like a light-weight roof that was then raised and lowered with a rope on one post.

Totally awesome and easy to raise the cover for playing and lowering when leaving. As a bonus from the design, it offered shade from the hot Napa sun.

[Jackie]

Dumbest thing I ever did was get married a few weeks after I turned 21.

2nd dumbest thing I ever did was graduate from college a year early (at age 20) so that I could get married, as my parents told me I couldn't get married until I graduated from college.

3rd dumbest thing I ever did was getting married to prove my parents wrong about a guy. (They were right, he was a creep.)

Not sure I have the order right, but they are definitely the top 3 dumbest things I've ever done.

Smartest, thing I've ever done was get divorced at the age of 21.

Hardest thing I've ever done was calling my EMIL and telling her that I was leaving her son. She was a sweet lady, who had always been wonderful to me.

2nd hardest was having to finish all the thank-you notes from the wedding before I could tell everyone else (my parents aside, with whom I had commenced living a few weeks earlier.)

It was awful.

Your turn.

[Ordy]

The period from 15 to 25 should just about cover all of my stupid moments. I slept with my best friend AND her husband. Which wasn't horrible in and of itself but when they split shortly afterwards I felt like I had played a huge role in that. You'd think that would put me off of both couples and best friends. You'd be wrong. I'm a moron. Then I slept with my (later, different) best friends sister. We are no longer friends. There was the whole meeting a stranger from online at his house when I was 19. He was harmless enough but his daughter (who I apparantly was just 2 years older than and went to high school with)coming home while I was there was mortifying. There are more embarassing sexcapades I wont go into. Not to mention 2 really bad long-term relationships. One of which resulted in my son, who is perfect, but oh my god I should have just dumped him when I was 5 months pregnant (less than a year into the relationship) which is about when I realized he was a mistake of such epic proportion that it had rendered everyone in my family speechless at my stupidity. Plus there is the whole being gay (and knowing it) and still continuing on my merry way in repeated bad relationships with men. Partly because I didn't want to dissappoint my parents. As if dropping out of college (2! classes! away! from! my! degree!) to bum around, work crappy jobs and be in one doomed relationship after another wasn't doing enough of that already. But mostly because it was easier and I'm lazy. I'm pretty sure your short-lived marriage can't be half as bad as some of the skeletons in my closet. Since I've shared all of those (and more!) online already, I wont bother going anonymous. :)

[Brandi]

Well i've read all your archives and I do remember you once filled us in on your first marriage, so I actually feel special for knowing and remembering that!

[Gaby]

Summer between my junior and senior year of college (21 years old...I'm noticing an early twenties theme going on here). I had broken up with a boyfriend that really wasn't good for me. I was leaving for a 6-week study abroad trip to Europe (that wasn't a dumb thing. It was the best thing I did in college--study abroad kids! Financial aid sometimes covers the costs!)

I was at the airport, and suddenly my ex was there! Very chick flick-esque. He gave me a cd and a letter and told me to read the letter on the plane. I did, and it was sweet, and the song was about love, and blah blah blah. So, I'm resmitten.

Part of my trip involved 3 days in Germany. Where a longtime ex (we dated something like 4 1/2 years. He had proposed. I said no, thank God) was stationed with the Air Force. I thought enough time had elapsed that I could visit him as friends. HA!

I left my group to meet up with my ex at his base...I was in freaking GERMANY, and I spent my time there on an AMERICAN BASE. It's like living in a Walmart. Awful.

Also awful? The ex continually trying to hold my hand or sit near me or kiss me. And who had pictures of me in his room, despite having broken up a good year previous. I tried to argue that I was seeing the guy from the airport. This ex didn't seem to care about that. I finally got drunk enough to sleep with him, so he'd leave me alone. HEALTHY!

He drove me to the train station so I could meet up with my group (who, mind you, had parasailed around Neuschwanstein, the inspiration for the Cinderella castle while I had hung out on a BASE. guh). He tells me he loves me, I don't say anything, and proceeded to email him from a cybercafe to tell him there was no way I could love him again.

Then, I proceeded to try and get in touch with the boy who met me at the airport. We talked on the phone a few times, but I could tell he sounded distant. I knew something weird was up. When I returned to America and called him, he told me he realized that he liked not having a girlfriend! He was the one who reinitiated the relationship, but he no longer wanted one. I figured, fine, so be it.

We return to college for senior year, I hooked up with a sexy guitar player, I was feeling good about myself, then boy from airport comes by my workplace. And tells me he wants to get together again! I know this is a matter of convenience, I hear, like one of the posters above, the voice of God distinctly telling me to say "No," but I'm a moron and agree to get back together with him. This results in my senior year consisting of tears, arguments, wondering why it's so difficult, etc, etc, etc. Good lord, I want to smack that girl I was back then.

[Amy]

Deal! Have I got some posts for you:

http://hardtobehuman.blogspot.com/2009/05/day-late-and-dollar-short.html

http://hardtobehuman.blogspot.com/2009/03/that-one-time.html

You can never be old and wise if you were never young and stupid...at least, that's what I keep telling myself!

[Karen]

Now that I think about it, I have done many, many stupid things.

Insisted we buy a house we were renting, a house which turned out to be like the house in The Money Pit, which we are still renovating (and not living in) and will have to sell. Yeah. That one nearly dissolved my marriage.

Hired a babysitter for my first kid who turned out to be evil incarnate. All so I could work a stupid part time job (but it FULFILLED me as a person, stupid, stupid me), which didn't even cover the babysitting money.

[anon too]

First husband at 18. That was the dumbest thing ever. Way dumber than sleeping with a married co-worker during my divorce.

[Amy]

Dumbest thing I did was age 20, slept with my now husband BEFORE breaking up with my then boyfriend. Said boyfriend walked in on us. Horrible, horrible scene ensued. After that disaster, in which everyone was embarrassed and upset, then-boyfriend and I still went on a cruise the next week. Worst. vacation. ever.

Glad my husband stuck around, 10 year anniversary is in August and we have 3 gorgeous kids. I still feel badly about then-boyfriend. And now I know to ALWAYS buy cancellation travel insurance.

[katie]

it's the things i didn't do that were stupid...like not having the balls to break up with my control-freak boyfriend 7 years ago. but now we've been married for 5. but there is this happy thing called marriage counseling which is showing glimmers of hope...but still, i wonder "what if"...

[T]

Probably the string of guys I went through in college was the dumbest thing ever... There was one party (one night, one party) where I made out with 4 of the 5 roommates. Not my best moment. But the 5th roommate was the crush of a friend, so go me! I also got mono from this experience.

Maybe one of the dumbest thing includes either when I left beautiful Colorado to hurry back home to my boyfriend after he told me he cheated on me... Stupid girl.

[anontoo]

Abortion at 23. Dumb, dumb, dumb.

[anon]

23 is a doozy for sure. I maxed out at unprotected sex with a one night stand and a trip to a random sketchy DC clinic for the morning after pill. There was also a LOT of sleeping around before and after that, but I hesitate to call that dumb because I was having fun.

[Katie]

Ok, so YOU brought it up! You brought up husband #1, and Julia, I have been DYING DYING DYING to ask you to re-tell (did you take it down from your archives??) the HYSTERICAL story of the hidden lamp. And the changing of the cat’s name. And why you only had like half a set of silverware. I’ve been wanting to send you this request since you had the twins, but figured you had your hands full and might not want to tell it again, and I didn’t want to appear selfish. But, since you brought it up, here I go:

Please, pretty please, pretty please re-tell it?? It was literally the funniest thing I’ve ever read in the blogosphere! Do you still have it? Maybe you could re-post it? I guess I’m one of your oldest fans b/c I DO remember the ex-h and I absolutely remember that story in particular!

And to re-pay you, here’s my most humiliating and embarrassing story ever:

I was a 21 year old free-lancing soprano who wanted to move to the big city and I didn’t have much cash. I had just graduated with my Masters, lots of student debt, etc., and I needed to be in the hub of things to do auditions, etc. So, I applied for a nanny job. As soon as I arrived (on my one-way ticket) at the family home, I knew I’d made a huge mistake. 3 kids, lots of behavioral issues, they didn’t allow any newspapers or magazines in the home, no tv or radio allowed, very strange and rigid. They wanted me to cook (not part of our original agreement, and I had no idea how to cook at all back then), no private room for me to sleep in. Just a nightmare. The 40 year old me would’ve sat down with them, told them it wasn’t going to work and left. The 21 year old me handled it…differently.

The whole family was going to a cottage for the week-end. I figured I stay back at the house and just leave while they were gone. They INSISTED that I go. I faked an allergy attack and told them I needed to go to a walk-in clinic. The plan was that they’d drive me there, drop me off and when I was done, I’d make my own way to the cottage. They INSISTED that I take my luggage for the cottage in the car, so they could take it up to the cottage for me and so that I didn’t have to deal with it on public transit, trains, etc. I packed a “phantom bag” full of empty shampoo bottles from their bathroom and left it in the car. They dropped me off at a walk-in clinic that was closed. I pretended it was open and ran around to the back. I HID in an alley til they drove away. Then I beat it back to the house, packed my bags, left a note and never spoke to them again. I often wonder what they thought when they ultimately opened my bag and found the empty shampoo bottles. Not one of my finer moments.

Hoping to hear some great stories from you and everyone else!
Katie

[anon]

wow, someone should sit each of us down around age 23 and say "look, don't make any big decisions this year."

My own personal bad-23 story actually started when I was 22 (and in my first year of law school, to add to the parallel). I stayed with two people (a couple) I sort of knew while I looked for a place of my own, fell in love with a 3-bedroom place, and ended up moving there with them. Even though they were a couple. And they were trying to get over the fact that one of them had an affair. And they were both diagnosedly mentally ill. And they broke up and the one who left went crazy (leading to my awesome Thanksgiving weekend of two 911 calls and my trip--as visitor, not patient--to the psychiatric emergency ward) and the one who stayed moved in a new girlfriend (who was in my law school class!) the same day the old one moved out. And the new one brought a dog which breached my lease and once she (the dog, not the gf) ate a bottle of stool softeners and crapped all over my room. Also the one who moved out sued me in small claims court.
So my big mistake age 23 was not leaving that situation.

Other mistakes: putting an earring back into my ear when I was WAY too old not to know better and not telling anyone for months (luckily no ill effects), and begging for a hamster. They really aren't that much fun.

[Rbelle]

I dated an aspiring screenwriter. Top that.

[Alison]

Why am I remembering a post about your first husband and a lamp?

I really do need more sleep.

[Libby]

Man that was some GREAT reading. Riveting stories, really. And I guess I've been reading long enough to remember about the first marriage. But the details are fuzzy, so do re-tell.
My most embarrassing moment is seriously lame in comparison but I'll share anyway.

I bought a beautiful strapless dress for my husband's cousin's wedding. Fancy Pants event. When I tried on the dress it did not seem like I needed a strapless bra. The dress had a corset-type boning that was tight enough that kept my girls in place. Or so it seemed. Well, the day of the wedding as the day went on the corset-type boning started to sag exposing my girls and WAY more cleavage that I ever wanted to. I mean, it was not even sexy cleavage. It was non-sexy cleavage in front of my husband's entire family. I was mortified! WHY OH WHY did not wear a strapless bra?? I had 4 of them on hand. Stupid, stupid, stupid! Every time I see a picture of that day I want to slap my own face. And I was 28 so I can't even blame it on being young and stupid. Or alcohol for that matter! Gah!

[anon]

Probably marrying my husband...I love him and I think it will work out in the end now that we're here, but...it probably would have been better for both of us if we hadn't kept dating for seven years and then gotten married out of habit.

[Lara]

Ha, I dated my husband for seven years too! But we're good. :)

Mine is...not leaving an abusive ex the first time I saw his physical side. Or before that, the first time I suspected him of cheating on me. Or even before that, the first time he "borrowed" my car without asking, leaving me stranded with no way to work. Not a great guy. Although I hear he's gone to anger management and is doing much better now, so I'm happy for him.

[Sarah]

Do I detect a theme about having sex while dumb? I have cheated on every boyfriend I ever had since I was 14. When I met my husband I resolved to be less of an asshole. I cheated on him once back when we had only been together a couple of months, & since then I've behaved. Didn't stop the raging crush I had last year on a co-worker, but at least I didn't touch. I love my husband, I swear! I'm just an ass.

[uberimma]

Iyyar has choked--really, truly choked--twice. Once on a piece of bagel, once on a piece of salami, both times as a toddler who should have been able to manage those foods. I did the Heimlich maneuver on him both times. The first time he was actually turning blue. It was one of the most frightening moments of my life (tied with the time Barak fell all the way down the back porch steps onto the concrete below, aged 15 months) but you know what? It worked. Both times.

Then we got his tonsils out, and now he can eat food cut into pieces visible to the naked eye without me lurking in fear anymore. His tonsilks had been so big that they had blocked off his airway to the point where even a little piece of bagel--or salami, apparently--could get stuck.

Oh, and I have NEVER done anything stupid. Ever. With very rare exceptions. Like moving in with that British violinist for a year or two.

[Becky]

I'm pretty sure that my life is a study in some ancient sociologists office of What Not To Do. I swear to you.

Let's just leave this at 'it involved wearing a gigantic pizza suit.'

The possibilities, as you are no doubt aware, are endless.

[anonymous]

Have to be anonymous too but you'll know from my email. Fell in love with an older married co-worker when I was 30 and started a torrid affair. Then met his wife, who was a saint; realized that I was a complete shit (or he was--it was a case of caring for his wife but not having much in common, but still). In spite of that let things drag on way too long, years, before stopping it. I can't forgive myself. Didn't have sex or be with a guy again until I was 50. Getting married tomorrow. Love him deeply. And still, I loved that guy. And I am an asshole.

[Also anon]

I went one step further than sleeping with my boss, I slept with her husband. I was 23 and he was 39. And as if that wasn't dumb enough, one of our "encounters" took place in their house, under the pool table, while she was UPSTAIRS IN THE OTHER ROOM!

[Bonnie]

I am 23 and seem to be ahead of the curve when it comes to dumb things. Last bad mistake was at age 19.. it involved getting drunk out of my mind in a household of men I knew to be untrustworthy with only my slender and slightly more sober gay boyfriend for protection. One of those men went on to sexually assault my best friend and is currently in prison for raping another woman. Shiver.

I don't have much of a history of doing dumb things (outside of that 6-month period at 19 where I got drunk 4 times a week) since I am cautious to the bone. Those kids that learn how to walk at 10 months but refuse to take a step without support until they are a year and two months old and have perfect balance? Yep, I was one.

I also didn't date until I was 19, lost my virginity to some dude I didn't give a crap about (don't regret it though) and 3 months after that met the love of my life, so that has saved me a lot of stories.

[VT_mama]

Definitely my stupidest moments involve my ex as well. I married him at 23 (such a fickle age!) after he showed clear signs of abusive behavior. I bought him cases of beer he would polish off in a night, even though he was clearly an alcoholic and capable of terrible emotional abuse while drinking. I went back to him after he smacked me around while my son watched. (I had bought that case of beer too.) When we *finally, finally* got divorced, I was terrified he would hurt me again and gave him primary physical custody of my son because he demanded it. I regret that most of all.

Sometimes I just want to invent time travel to go back give me old me a very, very stern talking-to. Other times, I kind of just want to cry for a while and eat too much chocolate.

[no name]

I have to agree, the early 20s are not good. For me it was a combination of no self-esteem and immaturity. You would like to have sex with me...why, I'm so flattered, or course I will.

Anyways. My worse came in several waves between 19 and 25. In terms of long term side effect, probably moving out of state for grad school and not even getting a degree, but loads of debt. Which ruined my credit.

Then my first serious boyfriend in college, who was older, but I was so young I made his life hell. I still shudder when I think of how poorly I behaved towards him and his family.

Then the guy I was supposed to marry, who my entire family hated. It never would have worked.

Then the prolonged period of promiscuity that went on until the night before I met my husband. He doesn't know it, but he's the only man I've ever been faithful to.

I have to chalk it up to life experience and learning. And I don't know that I would have recognized or apprecaited all that is wonderful about my husband if I hadn't been well aware of what else was out in the world. You know...kissing a ton of frogs to recognize a prince???

You can be sure that when my boys start dating I will have all these experiences in the back of my head and hoping like hell none of the girls treat them in any way shape or form resembles my teens and early 20s.

[Tracy]

Mine was in high school. Dated one boy for most of those years and was sure that I was in love. Regardless of the fact that he attempted to or did sleep with many of my friends. Some friends, right? I finally woke up and dumped him during my senior year. A month after I dumped him, he asked me to marry him. HA! Are you crazy, no way! So he married someone else. At 18! I thought I had dodged a bullet, until he called to say he had cancer. He was dying and he wanted to be with me. Oh the guilt! I carried on a relationship with him behind his wife's back while he was sick. In the end, he died a year later, his wife got a huge insurance payment and took off never to be heard from again. I'm sure that's why she was there in the first place. I was broken hearted and his family hated me for not marrying him. That's how I spent my freshmen year of college, basically a widow. I was a real catch back then! Have no idea how the current, wonderful husband saw through the sadness and self hate that I was dumping on myself from that life experience. But he did and we've been together for 13 wonderful years.

[Pam L]

Dumbest things, Oooo, art school instead of college, although I insisted on that, "posing" nude for a painting instructor I had a crush on, dating much older and then much younger "men" too much sex and drugs from 17-23 , but, in my defense, it was the 70's.

I've seen references to your ex but wasn't sure of the legal status or the back story.

[Kristin]

I remember you mentioning a few years ago or so that when you met Steve, you were "involved with someone else, maritally speaking." The wording has stuck with me and I totally plan to steal your phrase as soon as the occasion arises.

[tessa]

i could be feeling ever so slightly smug, except for the fact that i'm 22.

[anon]

Mmm... I have done many, many stupid things. Spent my entire 20s with a man with a drinking/drug problem, who, three weeks after I left him died of a drug overdose.

Then I did ANOTHER stupid thing, which turned out to be the best thing ever. Fell in love with an ex-friend's husband, started an affair (no sex, just high emotions and some kissing in the car) ended the affair, saw him once in 17 months (we had lunch) and then nothing... Until one day he emailed me, said after two years of marriage counseling he was leaving his wife and did I want to have dinner? I did. That was 2 1/2 years ago. We have been living together for two years with our three kids (one mine, two his) and we're 9 months pregnant with our first together, and fourth collectively.

Seriously, starting an affair with a married man is STUPID. Starting an affair with the married man of a former friend who already dislikes you? SUPER STUPID. And yet, It was the best thing I ever did, because I am partnered to the most fabulous, kind, wonderful man on earth and we are so, so, so happy. He makes up for my horrible 20s all the time. The only thing that sucks is that we didn't get together until my early thirties (his late thirties). I wish we had met when I was 20 because I just always want more, more, more time with him.

The other nice part is that about 1 week after he and his wife split, she met a great guy and THEY have been together for 2 1/2 years now as well. She still hates me, but I feel a lot better knowing she met the love of her life within a month.

As for choking, add me to the "yes, my child has choked camp." When my daughter was 3, she was eating green beans and said the texture was "funny", I told her to never mind the texture, but eat them anyway. She proceeded to eat the whole green bean without chewing. Since I had taken baby/child cpr, I knew the difference between gagging and choking (choking of course is when there is NO sound). It was truly terrifying. I hadn't taken baby/kid cpr since my daughter was about 6 months old, but the minute she started choking I ran through about a 1000 things in my head in about .6 seconds. I instantly recalled that babies to age 4 needed a different type of maneuver because there was a danger of cracking ribs. My daughter was almost 4 and tall for her age. I KNEW that I knew the adult heimlich (or whatever they call it these days) much better than the baby heimlich, so I opted for that. I also wondered whether I would have time to run outside and ask for help (I live on a city street) I didn't know if I did. I grabbed my daughter out of her chair and did the heimlich maneuver as well as I could remember while telling her not to be scared. OUT FLEW THE GREENBEAN!!! Oh god, that was the scariest moment of my life, but you know what? I too felt I would never remember how to do something like that, and I DID.

In cpr, you are supposed to be recertified every two years or so but even the teacher said, "You'll think you've forgotton everything and then if you ever need to use it, you will be amazed at what you still remember!) Nevertheless, I think I will go get recertified soon. Every time I think back on that story, it brings me back to that moment. Not fun.

[SalGal]

Oh the choices! Let's see . . . Not finishing grad school despite doing very nearly ALL the required work (and I'm STILL paying the student loans)? Getting engaged at 17? (Thankfully - although it nearly killed me at the time - HE dumped ME) No, no I think it has to be leaving bars at varying degrees of drunkeness during college and, despite the fact that I lived within walking distance, DRIVING around so I could smoke without my roommates knowing about it! OMG, the horrific stupidity!!! I am SO grateful I never hurt anyone and so ashamed I took the awful risk . . .

[Trixie]

Dumbest thing I ever did was marry my 1st husband whom I dated for 7 years and DID NOT have sex with during all that time. Turns out, the waiting wasn't worth it.

I too had an epiphany before the wedding -- a voice from God, if you will, that said to me clearly as I waited at a stoplight "Do not do it!" And I ignored it because, jeez, the invitations had already been sent!

And...then I met my current husband, while we were both still involved, "maritally speaking" with others.

13 years later, we are still very much in love and happy. But I, too, would be mortified to ever meet my ex MIL anywhere -- she was a nice lady.

[annie nonmoose]

I slept with a (married) client and was promptly fired from my job. And also promptly became the pariah in my professional community, which is a tight knit group of gossips.
But hey, on the bright side, it did send me back to college to train for another career! Silver lining and all that...

[victoria]

I once harshed on you re: first marriage (because I'm have a gift at being all judgmental and superior towards perfectly nice internet acquaintances who have never been anything but charming, witty, and delightful; I have always said, "Why did God endow me with gifts like smugness and condescension if He didn't intend me to use them?") but you never disclosed the KEY FACT that you were a CHILD BRIDE.

Holy cats, woman, I don't think ANYONE should be responsible for their 23 y.o. romantic decisions.

One of my friends married a younger man (he was 22, she 29), and her groom proceeded to liaise with various ladies whose chief appeal was not being his wife and while I was certainly sympathetic to my friend's distress, I did say to her (perhaps not terribly helpfully), "No one should get married at 22."

I would think even your former m.i.l., should she ever run into you in a surgical gown, would have the presence of mind to mention that, and forgive you.

[Shawna]

Ah 23. I don't miss you at all. Grad school was on my list of stupidities at that age too, but I kept beating my head against that wall until I got the degree a miserable 2 years later.

Oh and I also was perfectly dreadful to a nice boy who was contemplating marrying me. I was the bullet he dodged in that case though, when I dumped him for someone I went on to treat even worse. In the end I got my comeuppance, lessons were learned and look, in my 30s I'm practically respectable!

[Christiana]

My dumbest thing was guy-related when I was 20. He was attractive, charismatic, and came from a wealthy family, had a good education, etc. But he couldn't keep his zipper up. I even stayed with him when he fathered a child w/ another woman and gave it up for adoption. I will spare you any more details, but it was awful. All my friends hated him. My father once told me that I couldn't love him (my dad) and him (the boyfriend) at the same time.

And you have briefly mentioned said 1st husband before. But it's been awhile. And the only reason I know this is because I read through your archives a month or so ago. I've been reading since 2006, and you didn't mention him in all that time, but there is a casual mention in the before-then posts.

[Paula]

I remember your telling us about the first husband and how he yelled down the courthouse steps (or something, possibly I've embellished) that HE CHANGED THE CAT'S NAME.

That cracked me up and I yell it at my husband in my head when he pisses me off. (I'm leaving, I'm taking the cat and I'M CHANGING THE CAT'S NAME.) Notice I'm letting him keep the kids.

[Cassey]

hmmm i'm 24 and haven't done anything dumb...i'd be tempted to fell smug, but then again i don't have funny stories :-/

[C]

One summer in college I was accidentally dating three guys at once. I think the 'accidentally' part is really the worst.

There was my previous boyfriend, who I didn't really bother to break up with because hey, school was out, and we weren't seeing each other that often anyway.

There was a friend who I knew I did not want to actually date, but who very much wanted to date me, and I hedged around the topic rather than being particularly clear.

And then there was my future husband, another friend who was working out of state, so we started an email exchange. At the time, it seemed innocent enough, but in hindsight, it was soo a long distance relationship.

Although I suppose I was only 19 at the time, which is fairly forgivable. By 23 I was married, boring, and buying a fixer-upper house. It hasn't bitten me yet, but there is plenty of time for that.

[Victoria]

I am officially scared for my 20s. 19 has been a not-so-good year to me, but come August I am going to fear for my life.

So, stupidest thing I have done thus far? Age 17, hooking up online with a 21-year-old. At the time I didn't know it, but he makes 3-D tentacle porn. And he occasionally goes insanely jealous. And his next relationship was with an 18-year-old who moved in with him. Yeah, thank God he dumped me, and halfway through my freshman year of college I started going out with a lovely guy whom I have now been with for well over a year. So all's well right now. Also, still friends with the ex, although our conversations tend to drift towards more neutral things such as music! And movies! And cryptography!

[Heather]

Wow, we (your readers) are all so bad! I love it!
I married my "starter husband" also at 23. I have DREAMS (ok, nightmares) about the receiving I'd get from my x-f-i-l. I really did think fondly of guy (the f-i-l, not the husband).
On a related note, have you ever mentioned your ex to Patrick? I decided the other day to causally mention it to my 5 year olds when they found one of the few objects I kept related to the ex. I figured I didn't want to be divulged it at 16 or so, and really shock them. They went, "huh" and moved on. It didn't have 5% of the shock value I thought it might!

[Dara]

The dumbest thing I ever did in my twenties was spend my inheritance on exotic trips, leather pants, many, many pricey shoes, and one super cheap asshole boyfriend. Granted, this spending took about 5 years, but in the end all I had to show for it was two debt-free credit cards, one nicely furnished apartment, one paid for Honda Civic, and no boyfriend....at least that last bit was smart. Dumping cheapo was the BEST thing I did after blowing that money. I should have put a hefty down payment on a house or condo....

shoulda, coulda, woulda.

[Dara]

I really want to hear about your first marriage....no judgement. I have an ex-husband. It was a mistake. He was older (17 years) and I thought that wouldn't matter. In the end, the age difference wasn't the issue. He was an asshole. That was the problem.

I have since learned that he has divorced wife number three. Yet even more proof that he is/was/will evermore be an asshole.

[Anonymous]

I would say dumbest years of my life 18-22. Do I get points because I realized my mistake and became smarter before I turned 23? I moved away to college, fell in "love" with the first guy I was introduced to, spent the next 4 years following him and his drunken friends around like a little puppy while they all talked crap about the "rich little city girl" (side note I was NOT rich I just knew how to dress better than them) and ended up coming to my senses 2 weeks before graduation and dumped him. Ah, wasted college years.

[Jessica]

OK my turn. I am 24. Got Pregnant at 21, married and gave birth at 22. I now live with my husband and beautiful daughter and we are making our lives work as best we can. My husband is a wonderful father and our little girl is thriving and happy. I cannot say the same for our marriage. I don't know what will happen or if eventually we will love each other again the way we did before we had a child. I do know that I was a f-ing moron to think that I had already had enough of love's experiences to last me through a semi-loveless marriage.

le sigh.

[liz s]

I'm so glad you cleared that up. I don't ever remember your mentioning an EX.

We put the cover on the sandbox every time we are done. I love it.

Dumb hmmmmmmm can I write book?