About A Porch

There is a door off our kitchen that opens onto a screened porch. It is a nice little space; shady, quiet and it overlooks the exact spot in our yard where Nature defeats Man as the raspberry bushes and maidenhair ferns sweep down from the woods every summer to engulf a Stella D'oro garden that the previous owners planted. The deer are especially fond of this corner. I suspect because it is like a casserole: "Leaf, leaf, berry, leaf... whoa, is that a lily? Delightful!"

The porch would be an excellent place for a dining table and some chairs were it not for the supergigantic hot tub that hunkers in a corner and takes up two-thirds of the floor. Steve is devoted to this hot tub. In fact, he remembered to bring it with us when we moved in much the same way I remembered to bring Patrick.

Steve, I think, envisions some distant (one assumes widowered) future in which he is joined in this hot tub by a parcel of stewardesses - each more eager than the last to hold his loofah - and until that day arrives he tends the tub with bromide and love. I, in sharp contrast, have no interest in taking a bath outside no matter how numerous or nubile are the flight attendants who join me (after all, they would only be there for my safety) and I dislike the thing the way some people dislike their Aunt Agatha. It takes up so much space. Space that could be better used for holding glasses of wine and a nice green salad. Not to mention the fact that for a while I was convinced that it was the electricity absorbing monster that was driving our bills up to the stratosphere.

I think it should go somewhere else. And it is possible that I might win this debate in theory; especially now that we have unplugged and drained the hot tub so its current function is to hold the trash can that in turn is a receptacle for, ah, diapers that have seen better days. However, in order to get it on the porch in the first place Steve had to take down a wall and every day when he wakes up he finds that he does not feel particularly inclined to take it down again. Besides the hot tub has nowhere else to go and although Steve has a few cocktail napkin sketches of some gazebo-on-a-hill thing that could house it with storage underneath for the riding mower; that design is not exactly at the lumber buying stage.

So we have this porch and we have this enormous hot tub and thus we can only access about 48 square feet of the space, split into two strips about four  feet wide and eight feet long (ah HA! the strips overlap at the ends - you know you were thinking it.) And although you could probably rootle up something clever to do with the remaining area I never have. So for now it just sits there empty.

Which is not to say it does not get used.

I like to keep the glass door to the porch open when it is warm out. The cats enjoy prowling around (such as it is - mostly they sit on the hot tub cover and verbally harass the squirrels) and Caroline and Edward love it. It has a ceiling fan, which is a never ending source of toddler wonder (what is up with little kids and ceiling fans? seriously. they stand there like zombies - happy zombies - watching the blades go around and around and around... .) Since the door opens to the exterior it is heavy and although it is not very tightly sprung it tends to slam shut when there is a breeze. Or whenever it occurs to Edward to slam it, which would be every five minutes. If Caroline is lucky enough to not be standing in the way at the time; the door will click shut with Edward (and usually Caroline) on the outside. I find this scenario rather peaceful but it tends to freak them out so about thirty seconds after a slam I will hear the muffled wailing of twins followed by beating on the glass. This means I have to stop whatever it is I am doing (this week it has been coughing) and go open the door for them again. This gets boring after five minutes.  

Segue: Once upon a time Steve's cousin gave us some lovely hand-me-downs including a very nice, very sturdy boy's shoe. Shoe, singular. I assume she probably gave us two and I lost one or maybe she lost one and forgot that she had done so when she put the other in the bag; in any event we just have the one now. Many times I have thought about throwing it away but then I stop myself - it's such a nice shoe, I cannot just throw it in the trash. I have considered donating it but, honestly, why on earth would a needy family want an unmatched shoe any more than I do? So for a long time it just sat in Patrick's closet. Then one day I moved it downstairs during some massive closet clearing project and it stayed in the laundry room on a shelf.

I was in the laundry room about a month ago when I heard the porch door slam followed by the inevitable wah wah bang bang. This time I grabbed the solo shoe on my way to the porch and I wedged it securely under the door, thus preventing the twins from closing it again. Way to re-purpose, I thought. Success!

[I know it took me an inordinate amount of time to realize that I could prop the door open. I admit that I am not quick, but if you give me enough time I get there eventually.]

My intention going forward was to leave the shoe on the porch for the summer and when we wanted the door open I would use it as a door-stopper. So I was baffled when the shoe kept mysteriously disappearing from the porch and reappearing in the laundry room with the rest of the shoes. I assumed that Steve kept taking the shoe away and I was a little irritated that I had to keep bringing it back. You would think with all the time Steve and I spend together the subject would have come up between us at some point, but no.

A couple days ago Steve was off on a raspberry excursion with Patrick and his friends. Caroline and Edward were scuttling back and forth from the porch to the living room. I wedged the door open. I drank tea. Then I realized that the shoe was gone and further investigation revealed that it was placed in a neat row with the other shoes in the laundry room.

EDWARD!

Of course. Naturally, Edward would be bothered by the shoe not being with all the other shoes. Of course he would then do everything in his power to free the shoe and return it to its natural habitat. It is so very very Edward. Have I told you about the time Caroline pulled all of the bibs and washcloths out of a kitchen drawer and tossed them merrily about the floor and I thought, oh damn it, I'll need to pick that up; only to return to the kitchen five minutes later as Edward was putting the very last bib back into the drawer? Or that if I leave their pajamas on the living room floor for more than ten minutes after I put the twinks into clothes for the day Edward will pick up them up and throw them into the kitchen trash? Twice now I have opened the garbage and discovered pajamas nestled at the bottom while Edward stands nearby looking self-righteous.

If ever there is a child who will not succumb to the old if you don't pick up these toys I am throwing them away line it is Edward. Oh yeah, he'll sneer, good luck finding room in the trash can as I have already thrown away everything I found lying on the floor of your closet Mommy. Besides, all of his toys will already be put away, most likely in neat bins that he has labeled by category. It will turn out that I had been threatening to thrown away Caroline's stuff but she won't hear me because she won't take the damned headphones off.

Huh. Where was I?  

So Edward has been moving the porch shoe and I'm just surprised that I thought Steve had actually been tidying.

We discovered a small green frog out there yesterday.

This was very exciting.

I was afraid that Caroline and Edward would scare the frog away with their chatter and proximity but this frog was very friendly. Or possibly hearing impaired. Maybe suicidal. In any event it stayed there for hours no matter how close Edward's jabby fat finger came towards it or how often Caroline shrieked, "Hiiiiiiiiiiiii!" and "SEE? SEE FRUH? SEEEEEEEEE!"

And it inspired the following scene, which... I don't know. What ARE they doing here?

A. Some freaky twin thing
B. Caroline is interpreting the inner frog using graceful movement (plus A)
C. Yoga (plus A)
D. They have been called to prayer at a pitch heard only by dogs and children (plus A)
E. You tell me (but I am pretty sure it is A)

Comments

[arubagirl.typepad.com]

Heehee, I would vote for A too. Thanks for posting the video.

[YarMatey]

Clearly, they are listening for an oncoming train or stampede. Like the days of the old West.

[Jenn]

You should send the hot tub to ME, although if I had a hot tub I am 100% certain that I would spend the rest of my life either 1) sitting in the hot tub or 2) rushing through anything else non-hot tub related so that I could go back to sitting in the hot tub. Is it possible to boil your internal organs?

[stephie]

They were pretending to be the frog.

[Shawna]

Um, prostrating themselves before your magnificence?

[Lisa B in Seattle]

Well, did they *answer* you when you asked? No? Then must be A. :)

[cee]

She was pretending to be a frog of course!

[Esther]

Those curls! Can they possibly get any cuter? And I second YarMatey's comment--definitely listening for that stampede.

[Owlfan]

The hot tub in our master bathroom also serves as a receptacle for the trash can because 1) there is no other place big enough for a reasonable size trash can and 2) the hot water heater is not large enough to actually fill the hot tub with hot water. We've used the blasted thing once - visions of a romantic evening (childfree for once) were rather diminished by having to heat up kettles of water on the stove and in the microwave to get a decent amount of hot water in the tub.

[heather]

I vote they're listening to see if they can hear more frogs coming (plus A).

[Cathy]

They are paying homage to the great frog god, of course.

Now, late to the shows to watch. If you have the BBC on your system tape the third season of Torchwood Sunday afternoon. It has been a stand alone mini season this week, and it is really good. They will replay the whole thing Sunday afternoon.

The Closer is another good show, and if you haven't met Big Love yet you really need too. It is addicting! I'd start there, it's really fun. There are three twelve show seasons.

[kathleen999]

They are definitely being frogs. Very cute!

[Gwynn]

HAAA! That was too funny! It made my night.

My son does that when he likes something, but he usually tries to position his head on the object (cat, dog, broom, you name it.) So, I'm guessing that is not what they were up to. Consequently, I vote "D".

[Heather]

If you are ever again in the position of a unpurposeful shoe, I saw some being used as cute little planters in a garden shop the other day. Though that would certainly bother Edward, wouldn't it?

Looks like C to me.

[mama2beans]

Mama. They are laying down on the porch just like the frog is!

Slamming door problem coupled with Edwards need for tidy: drape a towel, pair of pants, or other long-ish ( but not too long, so he can't reach it) item of cloth over the top of the door, closest to the hinge. The door will "close" but there will always be a good two inch or more gap between the "closed" door and the actual closed position. Makes it simple for tiny hands to re-open. Also, saves little fingers ( and sisters, apparently) from being slammed.

Signed, the mother of two very inventive preschoolers.

[bec]

Clearly they have an Indian background and are listening to the sounds of wild animals approaching, I'm sure they could have told you if you had but only asked. (Which you actually did but maybe they didn't want to tell you).

[Hetty Fauxvert]

Once again, you are inspiring jealousy here! I just wish one of our twins would pick things up! Or one thing ... something... anything? The closest they come is manic episodes where all the toys they can reach are hurled into the kitchen sink, there to become soggy, not clean.

On a less cheery note: Does that glass porch door have safety glass? Somewhere I have gained the impression you have an older house, so maybe the glass is older too. I still have a lovely scar on my arm from when I was ten and discovered that it is not a good idea to slam a glass door HARD, even in a fit of preadolescent pique.

Love the frogbabies. :)

[ella]

t

[tgsdmom]

Caroline is imitating the frog. Edward is imitating his sister. LOVED that video, anyhow.

You must have guessed you would get a comment about how amazingly you manage to write a descriptive paragraph without being a bore.

How about putting the tub outside (taking off a wall in the process) and filling it with sand to become an original sand box?

Get rubber stoppers for the door. (There used to be also a type that goes on the side of the door instead of between the door and the floor.) Have many and as colorful as possible. Let Edward play putting them on (or under) the door in various patterns and taking them out again. It will probably be 15 minutes before the door slams and you are called.

[Veronica]

I think they were being frogs. Plus A.

[Cookie]

OMG, I was laughing out loud at work reading about Edward tidying. Loved the video :) I think they are being frogs (Also A). Too cute.

Love the way your write about all your children. Then again you could probably write ingredients lists for packaged products and I would still enjoy reading it.

[Ruth]

I would have guessed that they are imitating frogs and/or the twin thing, except that my 22 month old does exactly the same thing at random intervals during the day, and she doesn't have a twin or a frog. So color me stumped.

I love our screen porch -- we play out there a lot during the summer -- and am amazed (and a bit jealous) that your Caroline and Edward haven't tried to pry up the screens yet. Ours is completely failing to keep out the bugs this summer because WB keeps picking at the screens until she gets them loose from the frame, then wrapping herself in them like a toga. Very annoying.

[Jennifer]

Maybe Caroline is telling Edward to "hide" and then they are both attempting to render themselves invisible to the frog?

[rosie_kate]

Oh, I laughed so hard during the description of Edward's neat-nickishness! Hilarious!

[llcsis]

Must be some male chromosome. We had a hot tub in the sunroom for 7 years. I think I was in it less than 10 times. Yet the husband thought it was the jewel in the crown of the house. Carefully and constantly testing the waters, taking out and scrubbing down the cover, yada yada. I suggested he combine it with another equally unappealing hobby of his, aquariums - but that was rejected.

[Claudia]

My Little Boy is cut from the same cloth as Edward. I love and encourage those tendencies, to the point that I'm afraid I'm going to raise a child with OCD.

Julia, answer me this... (Long time reader/lurker here.) Do you never get bogged down by the routine of family life? Your blog is generally, well, upbeat, and I'm envious of your ability to manage three children and not complain about it. Share the secret?

[ailo]

I love your stories.

[ksmaybe]

I'm with Ruth, however cute the frog/imitation idea is, my 22 month old does the same thing quite often. Sometimes it's out of frustration, sort of the mildest of possible tantrum behaviors, other times, I dunno, he just does it.

I love that they both are so normal and toddler yet so different at times. Caroline the mess maker, Edward the tidier :) Good thing you have both or Edward would have nothing to do and/or you'd have to pick up after Caroline constantly :)

[Kate (Bee In The Bonnet)]

I'm going to go out on a limb here and suggest that it is Option A.

And I'm desperately hoping that any future children of mine inherit my husband's Edward-like tendencies for putting things away. Yeah, it's a little frustrating every so often when your idea of "away" and his idea of "away" do not jive (a la clothes in the trash, which is SO something my husband would do, just to get them off the floor), but overall, it's really nice to live in a clean, organized house that you had nothing to do with cleaning or organizing. Of course, there is no way that the fates would allow me that kind of child, such a horribly willful youngster was I. One can hope, though.

[Annabelle]

Thank you for starting my Friday off with a smile...I needed that. This in particular got me going:

Besides, all of his toys will already be put away, most likely in neat bins that he has labeled by category. It will turn out that I had been threatening to thrown away Caroline's stuff but she won't hear me because she won't take the damned headphones off.

Simply because I can SEE it. You are such a lovely writer - thanks for sharing with us.

PS - I was reading archives the other night - for wont of something else to do - and happened upon your post from TWO years ago, heralding the twins' CVS results. What a joy it was to read that, knowing that you now have this.

[Helen]

My two year old son watched the video, and answered, "I don't know what she's doing. Just walking around." As for me, I think Edward was trying to get a good look at the frog, and then Caroline was imitating Edward, and then Edward was imitating Caroline. So the closest answer would be A.

We need an Edward around here. He could teach my son, and my husband a thing or two about organization.

[Chris]

Amazing the number of diapers a twin set can produce. My 2 are 32 months now and just.now.potty training. Sigh.

[Martha]

I think they were being frogs. Cute how Caroline needed to create her own space in which to do it.

Re the shoe. I had heard that there was a group that collected single shoes for people that only had one foot so I just did a quick search. I found a couple of sites http://www.oddshoe.org http://www.oddshoefinder.com
Now I'm wondering if there is a place that takes single earrings :p

[Jan]

Definitely Caroline struck a pose to imitate the frog (love the wagging hands as she gets the idea) and Edward followed suit. Also draw attention to Caroline's creating her own "center stage" for the reenactment. Did you think about checking out the children's theaters in town for them at some point?

[Amanda]

Man, they're sweet. Just sweet little sweeties covered in sweet made from sugar that is SO SWEET. Jealous of your bebes, lady.

[victoria]

Should I be happy or sad that I didn't read these posts while I was still young enough to get pregnant? My life today would be unrecognizable.

[SarcastiCarrie]

We have the same voice when recorded! I say "when recorded" because I swear to you, I do not sound like that in my own head, not that there's anything wrong with our voice. I'm just much more something when I hear myself talk (older-sounding, maybe, or quite possibly sexier).
That is all.

[Kelly]

gah! can't see the video! As a mom of 13m twins, I'd like to get a glimpse of my future. But enjoyed the post nonetheless.

[Penny]

Once again, your children are just beautiful. I wish the video were a little longer. They are delightful!!

I think they are imitating the frog.

Let's hope Edward keeps up his neat thing. I know it would be wonderful to have teenagers who are like that!

[Katelyn]

Looks to me like they are "being" frogs. They are so darn cute its ridiculous!

[Corinne]

That's hilarious. The best part (aside from the hollow thuds, which I recognize from our own hardwood floor/baby melon rhythm section) is at the end when Caroline looks at you like "What do you mean, what are we doing? What does it LOOK like we're doing?"

[swimmermom]

Half of our salad forks went missing, gradually, when one of my kids was 1-1/2'ish. I figured they'd turn up eventually; things almost always do. Then one day I noticed a fork in the trash. The little nipper had been throwing them away! I rescued the one, but needless to say the other missing forks were lost to us forever. And it was a lovely new set of flatware that we'd splurged on, too.

[plumwin]

I just have to give you props for mentioning the baby obsession with ceiling fan phenomenon. My now almost three year old was enthralled for months and months starting at about 9 months. We have them in almost every room of our house and he would go from room to room just to lie down and gaze at one. Three separate people (including my mother in law!) asked me if I was concerned about autism because that behavior was not normal. Come on, after years of infertility we finally have this beautiful little boy and you are making me worry about stuff already? I fretted for weeks about it before finally asking the doctor. She nicely and patiently let me know that all babies do that and that he would be fine. He is but I’m still mad about it.

[QoB]

A, definitely.

Also, maybe I've just been watching too much Big Love, but you sound very like Nikki (Chloe Sevigny).

That is, I definitely have been watching too much Big Love, but I never thought your accent would sound Utahian. Does it, or am I just an ignorant foreigner?

[marta]

I love how Caroline looked at you like, What do you MEAN, what are we doing?

[Sandra]

Oh. My. My eyes reached the line about "called to prayer" at the same second that their heads hit the floor in the video - and now I am laughing so hard I am crying.

[jen]

At first I was going to say, oh wow, mine has been doing this same thing (randomly doing child's pose) but then I think the other commenters nailed it with the imitating the frog thing. They are adorable!

[Lissie]

(1) My daughter (14 months) often assumes a position rather similar to the one Caroline and Edward are taking, except she presses the top of her head into the floor (sort of a modified downward dog/child's pose combo, I guess). No idea why.

(2) Your video played automatically when I loaded your page, except that I hadn't scrolled down so all I heard was the audio, leading me to think for a moment that I was having a psychotic break. Thankfully, it was just you and your kids.

[Kimmyann]

When I moved into my current house 18 months ago I inherited a broken beyond repair hot tub. So I filled it with 1700 (yes that is 17 hundred) pounds of sand and turned it into an awesome sandbox.

[marie]

Two words: Ball pit.