About A Porch

There is a door off our kitchen that opens onto a screened porch. It is a nice little space; shady, quiet and it overlooks the exact spot in our yard where Nature defeats Man as the raspberry bushes and maidenhair ferns sweep down from the woods every summer to engulf a Stella D'oro garden that the previous owners planted. The deer are especially fond of this corner. I suspect because it is like a casserole: "Leaf, leaf, berry, leaf... whoa, is that a lily? Delightful!"

The porch would be an excellent place for a dining table and some chairs were it not for the supergigantic hot tub that hunkers in a corner and takes up two-thirds of the floor. Steve is devoted to this hot tub. In fact, he remembered to bring it with us when we moved in much the same way I remembered to bring Patrick.

Steve, I think, envisions some distant (one assumes widowered) future in which he is joined in this hot tub by a parcel of stewardesses - each more eager than the last to hold his loofah - and until that day arrives he tends the tub with bromide and love. I, in sharp contrast, have no interest in taking a bath outside no matter how numerous or nubile are the flight attendants who join me (after all, they would only be there for my safety) and I dislike the thing the way some people dislike their Aunt Agatha. It takes up so much space. Space that could be better used for holding glasses of wine and a nice green salad. Not to mention the fact that for a while I was convinced that it was the electricity absorbing monster that was driving our bills up to the stratosphere.

I think it should go somewhere else. And it is possible that I might win this debate in theory; especially now that we have unplugged and drained the hot tub so its current function is to hold the trash can that in turn is a receptacle for, ah, diapers that have seen better days. However, in order to get it on the porch in the first place Steve had to take down a wall and every day when he wakes up he finds that he does not feel particularly inclined to take it down again. Besides the hot tub has nowhere else to go and although Steve has a few cocktail napkin sketches of some gazebo-on-a-hill thing that could house it with storage underneath for the riding mower; that design is not exactly at the lumber buying stage.

So we have this porch and we have this enormous hot tub and thus we can only access about 48 square feet of the space, split into two strips about four  feet wide and eight feet long (ah HA! the strips overlap at the ends - you know you were thinking it.) And although you could probably rootle up something clever to do with the remaining area I never have. So for now it just sits there empty.

Which is not to say it does not get used.

I like to keep the glass door to the porch open when it is warm out. The cats enjoy prowling around (such as it is - mostly they sit on the hot tub cover and verbally harass the squirrels) and Caroline and Edward love it. It has a ceiling fan, which is a never ending source of toddler wonder (what is up with little kids and ceiling fans? seriously. they stand there like zombies - happy zombies - watching the blades go around and around and around... .) Since the door opens to the exterior it is heavy and although it is not very tightly sprung it tends to slam shut when there is a breeze. Or whenever it occurs to Edward to slam it, which would be every five minutes. If Caroline is lucky enough to not be standing in the way at the time; the door will click shut with Edward (and usually Caroline) on the outside. I find this scenario rather peaceful but it tends to freak them out so about thirty seconds after a slam I will hear the muffled wailing of twins followed by beating on the glass. This means I have to stop whatever it is I am doing (this week it has been coughing) and go open the door for them again. This gets boring after five minutes.  

Segue: Once upon a time Steve's cousin gave us some lovely hand-me-downs including a very nice, very sturdy boy's shoe. Shoe, singular. I assume she probably gave us two and I lost one or maybe she lost one and forgot that she had done so when she put the other in the bag; in any event we just have the one now. Many times I have thought about throwing it away but then I stop myself - it's such a nice shoe, I cannot just throw it in the trash. I have considered donating it but, honestly, why on earth would a needy family want an unmatched shoe any more than I do? So for a long time it just sat in Patrick's closet. Then one day I moved it downstairs during some massive closet clearing project and it stayed in the laundry room on a shelf.

I was in the laundry room about a month ago when I heard the porch door slam followed by the inevitable wah wah bang bang. This time I grabbed the solo shoe on my way to the porch and I wedged it securely under the door, thus preventing the twins from closing it again. Way to re-purpose, I thought. Success!

[I know it took me an inordinate amount of time to realize that I could prop the door open. I admit that I am not quick, but if you give me enough time I get there eventually.]

My intention going forward was to leave the shoe on the porch for the summer and when we wanted the door open I would use it as a door-stopper. So I was baffled when the shoe kept mysteriously disappearing from the porch and reappearing in the laundry room with the rest of the shoes. I assumed that Steve kept taking the shoe away and I was a little irritated that I had to keep bringing it back. You would think with all the time Steve and I spend together the subject would have come up between us at some point, but no.

A couple days ago Steve was off on a raspberry excursion with Patrick and his friends. Caroline and Edward were scuttling back and forth from the porch to the living room. I wedged the door open. I drank tea. Then I realized that the shoe was gone and further investigation revealed that it was placed in a neat row with the other shoes in the laundry room.

EDWARD!

Of course. Naturally, Edward would be bothered by the shoe not being with all the other shoes. Of course he would then do everything in his power to free the shoe and return it to its natural habitat. It is so very very Edward. Have I told you about the time Caroline pulled all of the bibs and washcloths out of a kitchen drawer and tossed them merrily about the floor and I thought, oh damn it, I'll need to pick that up; only to return to the kitchen five minutes later as Edward was putting the very last bib back into the drawer? Or that if I leave their pajamas on the living room floor for more than ten minutes after I put the twinks into clothes for the day Edward will pick up them up and throw them into the kitchen trash? Twice now I have opened the garbage and discovered pajamas nestled at the bottom while Edward stands nearby looking self-righteous.

If ever there is a child who will not succumb to the old if you don't pick up these toys I am throwing them away line it is Edward. Oh yeah, he'll sneer, good luck finding room in the trash can as I have already thrown away everything I found lying on the floor of your closet Mommy. Besides, all of his toys will already be put away, most likely in neat bins that he has labeled by category. It will turn out that I had been threatening to thrown away Caroline's stuff but she won't hear me because she won't take the damned headphones off.

Huh. Where was I?  

So Edward has been moving the porch shoe and I'm just surprised that I thought Steve had actually been tidying.

We discovered a small green frog out there yesterday.

This was very exciting.

I was afraid that Caroline and Edward would scare the frog away with their chatter and proximity but this frog was very friendly. Or possibly hearing impaired. Maybe suicidal. In any event it stayed there for hours no matter how close Edward's jabby fat finger came towards it or how often Caroline shrieked, "Hiiiiiiiiiiiii!" and "SEE? SEE FRUH? SEEEEEEEEE!"

And it inspired the following scene, which... I don't know. What ARE they doing here?

A. Some freaky twin thing
B. Caroline is interpreting the inner frog using graceful movement (plus A)
C. Yoga (plus A)
D. They have been called to prayer at a pitch heard only by dogs and children (plus A)
E. You tell me (but I am pretty sure it is A)

Comments

[winecat]

Love Caroline's look at the end of the video as if she's saying "it's self evident, do I really need to explain it to you?"

[lisa]

Hold his loufah. Hehehe.

[Leandra]

What ARE they doing? I'm going with some freaky twin thing, though all the options you offered are intriguing.

We looked at a house once with a hot tub in the DINING ROOM. I can't imagine the moisture problems they must have had. I DREAM of an outdoor dining room such as you described, so I'm firmly in your camp on this one.

[Jaz]

Oh. Videos. Oh, I don't know if this old heart can take the cute.

[Christa]

I seriously cannot stand how cute those two are! I mean I am not sure how you manage to get anything else done, because I would be too busy just watching them. I keep thinking that Caroline is the cuter one (those curls, that skin!), but then you post a new picture of Edward (the eyebrows, that smile!) and the contest is a tie again.

Oh and I like the sandbox and ball pit ideas both!

[Monica C.]

Caroline waved to the frog, then they both put their ears to the ground to hear the frog's response ...

... otherwise known as Choice A. LOL.

[shriek house]

They were listening for the elephant stampede! I hope you all got out in time.

[michelmom]

I like the ball pit idea a lot.
I'm thinking it's not exclusively a twin thing, because my 22 month old lays down just like that - everywhere! The grass,tile floor, playground, in the middle of the mall. It's a little embarrassing.

[Lisa]

All I can say Julia, is when are you going to write a book? You are truly an amazing writer. I look forward to reading your posts all the time. My daughter, Giada, is a little bit older than the twins and I like to peek in and see what they're doing. I think you are amazing.

[Haitian American Family of Three]

I want a porch!!!! I would hang a sky chair and have lots of potted plants and maybe a table for painting. Ahh you are so lucky.

[Julie S]

I've recently found you and love your stories! So much so that I feel left hanging that you haven't returned to your story about the Peace Corp guy and you following him to somewhere in Central America or South America...can you return to that story soon?! Thanks! :)

[Maggie]

Julia, I could have written that EXACT story about the lone shoe (just not nearly as well). But I've wondered what is wrong with me - why can't I throw that beautiful (lonely) shoe away?!?! Now I know - thank you! Very funny. Loved loved loved that video.

[Katerina]

Juuuuuuuuuuuuuliaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

We love you
Your kids are awesome and cute
You are talented, witty and charming and cute too...

New post *please*!!! I need my fix of Julia-ness!!!

Thanks!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Sarahd]

Dude! You should put a hamper in the living room and let Edward go to town. He might start picking up everybody's dirty clothes!

[Jen]

Oh man - you just wait. When Edward is three and can run away you will spend all your time in stores chasing him while he picks up EVERYTHING that is on the floor. I think we should get paid by Publix and Kmart - we have restocked more of their shelves than the employees have. If Tas can't reach where the item goes than Mommy is designated to rectify the situation. I try very hard NOT to take my daughter shopping with me.

[Trista]

I know, what is it with babies and ceiling fans? It's like they're getting instructions from the mother ship when they get that glazed, fascinated look on their faces. My daughter can't get enough of them.